EDITOR’S NOTE: You can read another take on this movie here.

William Girdler was born on October 22, 1947 in Jefferson County, KY and this was his first of nine movies in six years, ending only when he died while scouting locations in the Philippines for his next film.

After he finished with the Air Force, Girlder formed Studio One with best friend and brother-in-law J. Patrick Kelly. Initially focused on TV commercials, Studio One eventually took on movies with this film. It later became Mid-America Pictures when Girdler’s films began making money.

According to the official William Girdler site, his “make ’em fast and cheap” directorial style was the result of a premonition that he’d die by the age of 30. Well, he made it to thirty, at least. Some say that Girdler was so obsessed with his own death that he said that he was in a race against time.

Filmed in Louisville in late 1971 for around $50,000, this is the story of concert pianist Lucina Martin (Carla Borelli) who has been abducted by Dr. Jason Specter (Charles Kissinger) and taken to his Pleasant Hill Hospital for treatment. It’s a sanitarium that she swears that she doesn’t belong in and who would want to be in a place where the doctor kills people to add to his Satanic majesty and immortality? And is Specter also the evil sorceress Martine? Because Kissinger is definitely playing both parts. He was also a horror host in Louisville known as the Fearmonger on WDRB.

It all leads up to a virgin sacrifice with our lovely piano player as the victim and Martine saying things like the fact that she “calls upon the gates of the dark realm to crash asunder” and invokes “blazing angles of the shining trapezoid.” What’s that? Oh, you know, the Order of the Trapezoid which later became the governing body of the Church of Satan.

More of that in a bit.

This being the early 70s, the ending is ambiguous, the rubber bugs and snakes countless and a Satan that looks like someone wearing a costume from a party store. You know, it might sound like I’m laughing at this movie, but I’m not. Asylum of Satan pleases me to an incredible degree, a movie made by someone who knew he was born to make movies and yet trying all he could to learn right there on the screen.

Girlder told the Louisville Times, “Other people learned how to make movies in film schools. I learned by doing it. Nobody saw Billy Friedkin’s or Steven Spielberg’s mistakes, but all my mistakes were right up there on the screen for everybody to see.”

The film was made with the assistance of local investors but the movie didn’t make enough to return their investment. Shortly before his too soon death, Girdler signed over the rights to this movie and Three On a Meathook to those original investors so that they could make back their money.

The Girdler site also has an amazing interview with Don Wrege, who clapped the clapboard for this movie. I loved every word, especially when he explains how the Church of Satan got involved being technical consultants.

“A bunch of high school girls (some daughters of investors) were dressed in virginal white, given candles and positioned in a circle around Borelli who was roped to the alter. A guy in a rubber suit. (Girdler said the suit/mask was from Rosemary’s Baby but wasn’t shown in the film, thus it was affordable and available and, of course, cool.)

There was a lot of motion involved. I think the guy in the rubber suit was on an apple box with wheels. The Asmans were on the largest crane we used the whole time, if I remember correctly. Multiple takes were done, all the time Kissinger (I think) was reciting the invocations that had been written by the satanic guy who was standing in the wings watching all of this take place. The incantation, if that’s the right word, was repeated any number of times with as much sincerity as Charlie Kissinger could muster, as multiple takes were filmed.

During one take, and at some very convenient point in the “prayer,” like “…if you’re present, show yourself…” or something like that, one of the white-draped high school daughters of an investor passed out and hit the floor. Everyone was horrified. The two people from the Black Church without hesitation ran to the girl’s limp body and began saying all sorts of weird shit, speaking in some unidentifiable tongue. The girl’s mother, who was there, TOTALLY freaked out, running to her daughter’s side screaming “You leave her alone…get away!” to the two Satanists.

The daughter came to in a few moments, and was excused for the day. Everything was really tense for a couple of hours after that. I think some folks started to wonder what the hell we were messing with. I made a mental note to try to keep track of that girl who fainted, but I haven’t had the nerve. I really don’t want to know.”

Well, that advisor was Michael Aquino, the actual writer of a lot of the rituals in the Satanic Bible and he told the Girdler site that he didn’t remember anyone passing out. Aquino later broke away from the Church of Satan and formed the Temple of Set.

After receiving his PhD in political science from the University of California, Santa Barbara, Aquino worked as an adjunct professor at Golden Gate University until 1986. The whole time, he was serving as an Active Guard Reserve officer of the United States Army stationed at the Presidio of San Francisco.

As the 80s went on, Aquino became intrigued by the connections between Nazis and the occult. At one point, he performed a solitary rite at Walhalla beneath the Wewelsburg castle which was an infamous ceremonial space used by the Schutzstaffel’s Ahnenerbe group.

He then formed the Order of the Trapezoid, which was a chivalric order influenced by a mix of Satanism, Pagan heathery and even the application of runes within magic. Aquino was often challenged in the Satanic Panic of many crimes, as well as in conspiracy circles for numerous acts of evil as he started his career in PsyOps. He even welcomed LaVey’s daughter Zeena and her husband Nikolas Schreck into the group before the inevitable break.

But I digress, as I always say.

Girdler would do so much more — again, in such a short time — but the basics of his career are here. The 70s were prime time for Satanic movies and he took advantage of it just as he would of all manner of subjects that he thought would make box office.

He was even kind of William Castle in a way here, as the press book mentions ordering “Sign of Satan Soul Protectors” to protect theatergoers from the “Evil Stare of the Devil.” That’s also Girdler’s Porsche in this and his sister Lynne Kelly in the pool with the snakes, because Sherry Steiner refused.

Here’s a drink for this movie.

Snake in the Swimming Pool

• 2 oz. Southern Comfort
• 4 oz. cranberry juice
• 1 oz. lime juice

1. Build over ice, starting with the SoCo, then followed by the cranberry and lemon.

That title means 40 degrees in the shade of the sheet but you may know this Sergio Martino-directed. movie better as Sex With a Smile. In the U.S., all of those ads focused on Marty Feldman, who briefly shows up in one of the film’s five chapters. It’s American distributor Centaur/Surrogate even cut all of the credits and just have Feldman’s name in them along with changing the order of the stories.

“One for the Money” takes place in Switzerland as a rich Italian bride (Barbara Bouchet) meets a man (Enrico Montesano) who offers her 20 million lire (around $4.5 million dollars in 2023 U.S. cash) to make love. She blows him off but then starts to wonder “What if?”

“The Bodyguard” concerns a socialite (Dayle Haddon, who went from Disney movies like The World’s Greatest Athlete to movies like this and Just Jaeckin’s Madame Claude and The Last Romantic Lover) who hates how well her bodyguard (Feldman) keeps her secure. And then when she tries to escape him to met a new lover, she learns that maybe he was right to do his job so perfectly.

“Catch It While It’s Hot” is about a countess (Giovanna Ralli, What Have They Done to Your Daughters?) hooking up with her chauffeur (Alberto Lionello), while “Dream Girl” finds Edwige Fenech being so ravenous that she intrudes on the dreams of her neighbor (Tomas Milian), which he actually complains about. Come on, dude.

Finally, “A Dog’s Day” has a man save a woman (Sydne Rome, The Pumaman) from jumping off the ledge outside his apartment. They make a date and that’s when he meets her very jealous dog.

Martino’s sex comedies basically have the most attractive women ever dealing with men who look like buffoons. But I mean, would I fair any different upon trying to speak to Edwie Fenech or Barbara Bouchet? Also: Look for an appearance by Salvatore Baccaro, who played The Beast In Heat.

There’s also a sequel to this, Spogliamoci così, senza pudor, if you enjoy Italian sex comedies. In the same year that Martino made this, he also directed the poliziotteschi movies Gambling City and Silent Action as well as the giallo The Suspicious Death of a Minor. Few directors could hit so many genres with so much success.

I had no good expectations of this movie, as movies from the 90s by Sergio Martino — Foxy Lady, La regina degli uomini pesce, Mozart is a Murderer — have been a mixed bag. Most of the reviews online were pretty rough on it as well. And then I remembered — you alone judge whether or not a movie is a success. It is only a success to you, the viewer, if you enjoy it.

And I loved this.

Also known as Foxy Lady and Spiando Marina (Spying Marina), this is a movie about Mark (Steve Bond, Picasso Trigger), a hitman who was once a cop until the death of his wife and son. The only thing that keeps him connected to humanity is his obsession with the sex worker who lives next door, Marina (Debora Caprioglio, who was the star of Tinto Brass’ Paprika).

Then she loses a snake in his apartment and ends up in his bed playing with it. I guess that’s the kind of meet cute you get in a giallo or an erotic thriller, which this is closer to. And Mark, well, he was a bad cop on the take to organized crime and that’s why his wife and child had to die.

Of course, these two escaping their lives is going to be impossible. All they’ll ever get are the stolen moments, quick bursts of physical passion and then violence is going to make its way in-between their story.

That said, I wish I could report that this was the same kind of film that Martino effortlessly created back in the 1972. You can blame Steve Bond for being a hangdog void from which no charisma can be unleashed. Perhaps it’s the music by Luigi Ceccarelli, which is hilariously from some other movie — or it seems that way — and not what we’re currently watching. Or you could blame the script by Martino and Piero Regnoli (who also wrote Voices from Beyond and Demonia for Fulci as well as Malombra, Sword of the Barbarians, Burial Ground and Patrick Still Lives. Or you can perhaps find fault in Martino’s skills. Maybe he felt the same way, as he used the name George Raminto for this.

That said, you can’t blame Debora Caprioglio. Not to be one of those dudes that leeringly wants to talk to you more about scream queens or Hammer girls, but if you’re a lover of women — or can appreciate the female form — she just might convince you that there is a Grand Designer to all of our world. Also: she dated Klaus Kinski when he was in his sixties and she was 18. Also also: In this movie it feels like she’s at war with clothes and hates them to the point that she should never be in them.

This was shot by Giancarlo Ferrando, who has endured filming some of the roughest entries in filmdom, including Troll 2, Devil Fish, A Bear Named Arthur (the only movie Martino said that he ever lost money on) and Detective School Dropouts. But you know me. I kind of love all of those movies.

Dario Argento signed on to direct a movie called Yellow, which was written by Jim Agnew and Sean Keller. Intended as a pastiche of the giallo genre Argento was so well known for, the film changed its name to, well, Giallo. That’s just the start of the problems.

The original cast was Ray Liotta, Vincent Gallo and Asia Argento, but Gallo and Argento didn’t part from their engagement on the best of terms. A year later, the cast had changed to have Adrien Brody take on Liotta and Gallo’s parts and Emmanuelle Seigner taking over for Asia. He was also dating another co-star, Elsa Pataky, but they broke up the same year this was made.

I guess this movie isn’t as awkward as when he had on dreadlocks and spoke in a racist accent to introduce Sean Paul on Saturday Night Live but it’s close.

Flight attendant Linda (Seigner) and detective Enzo Avolfi (Brody) work together to find Linda’s younger sister Celine (Pataky) who ha been taken by a serial killer in an unlicensed can who goes by the name Yellow. He drugs, mutilated and kills these women, but not before taking the photos he will use to get off to later.

As they hunt for Yellow, Enzo reveals that he became a cop after his mother was killed by a butcher. After he got revenge, he was raised by Inspector Mori (Robert Miano) to use his skills for good. You know, like Dexter. Also, the killer might literally be yellow because of liver disease, exactly like Sin City or the remake of Black Christmas.

It’s a simple idea to contrast cop and murderer, showing both of their origins and motivations, which is even more obvious because Brody plays both characters. Brody did double work here and didn’t get paid for any of it, which led to him suing and getting the movie’s release stopped. He eventually got paid.

Now, two Americans making a giallo script and getting Argento to direct it could have been great but this just feels uninspired. I’ve read others try and explain how this is 21st century Argento and his new take and you shouldn’t expect the same greatness as the 70s and early 80s, but I don’t think anyone expected that this would be below the level of even bottom lever neo-gialli and feel closer to torture porn than a genre that if he didn’t invent, he certainly perfected. I feel the same way when people make excuses for modern day Metallica.  Two of those guys once wrote “Trapped Under Ice.” And Dario once made Deep Red and Tenebre, which for me are two of the most essential gialli.

The idea of the cab driver being a killer is like if Suspiria ended with Suzy Bannion dead before she ever got to the school. I know that Argento is playing with our expectations here but then he does something really rough. He doesn’t come close to reaching those expectations.

I always think about how much Argento and De Palma are alike. Argento hammers that point home because Yellow — played by Byron Diedra, get it? — has so many latex pieces that he looks as ridiculous as the killer in Body Double. Except, you know, Body Double is actually pretty good.

You can watch this on Tubi where it’s called Color of Fear. The title does not help at all.

The daughter of a lawyer, Ripa di Meana opened a fashion boutique in Piazza di Spagna, Rome soon after she finished college. The shop was a place where influential women of high society shopped as a result, Ripa di Meana became involved with the leading figures of the day, whether they be political, artistic, diplomatic or in the media. Famous for her political beliefs about animal cruelty and environmentalism, she was a frequent guest on TV panel shows and even acted in one movie, the sixth chapter in the Nico Giraldi film series that starred Tomas Milan, Sergio Corbucci’s 1979 film Assassinio sul Tevere. She never did again, as she hated being commanded, or so she said.

Beyond being a gossip columnist, she also wrote 14 books including four autobiographical books, I miei primi quarant’anni (My First Forty Years), La più bella del reame (The Most Beautiful in the Realm), Invecchierò Ma Con Calma (I Will Grow Old But Calmly) and Colazione al Grand Hotel (Breakfast at the Grand Hotel). The first two of those books were made into movies starring Carol Alt. The first was written and directed by Carlo Vanzina, who also made Nothing Underneath and the second was directed and written by Cesare Ferrario, who made The Monster of Florence.

When she directed and wrote this movie, it was pretty controversial, as she received public funds from the Ministry of Cultural Heritage and Activities, allegedly through personal friendships. That’s one of the reasons why it tops Italian lists of the worst movies ever. Wired Italy listed it along with Robot Monster, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Frankenstein Island, Disaster Movie, Cross of the 7 Jewels, Box Office 3D, Alex l’ariete, Plan 9 from Outer Space and Troll 2.

Writer Gabriel Nigla said, “Ripa Di Meana ‘s debut (and only film) as a director is a rambling product, the result of those who not only don’t understand how narration works, but have also seen few films in their own lives. History of women, violence and feminism makes all possible mistakes. A sampling of bad examples.”

Eva Grimaldi (Obsession: A Taste for Fear) is a recently divorced woman named Alma who falls for a male exotic dancer named Brian (Brando Giorgi) whom her friends have hired for her twenty-fifth birthday. She also has to deal with her ex-mother-in-law Milli (Anita Ekberg) who thinks that she has ruined her son’s life and now she wants revenge. Alma and Brian decide to jump on his motorcycle and get out of town,  but they’re soon followed by his jealous ex-lover Marilyn (Florence Guérin, Profumo, Too Beautiful to Die).   They try to hide out with Brian’s sister  Esmerelda (Apollonia Kotero) but now so many people are following them.  that it starts to feel like Benny Hill does giallo because Brian is soon killed and the hunt is on for a new man for Alma.

What blows my mind is that the cast for this movie is filled with talent. Were they worried that Ripa di Meana had some dirt on them? Why is Burt Young in this?  How about Debbie Lee Carrington, Thumbelina from Total Recall? Most importantly, at least to my state of mind, is how did Kid Creole end up in so many movies, particularly two incredibly strange Italian films of this era? He was also in Obsession: A Taste for Fear around this same time. Stranger still, Kid Creole did a song “Not Yet” with Grimaldi five years after this movie.

This movie makes no sense and you should only watch it if you’re obsessed with Italian genre films and movies that somehow unite the weirdest casts.

You can watch this on YouTube.