EDITOR’S NOTE: Up the Academy was on USA Up All Night on February 18 and July 28, 1989; June 27 and July 28, 1990; February 5 and June 25, 1994; February 24, April 10, August 5 and 25, 1995.

In 1980, 8-year-old Sam was all in on MAD Magazine—every issue. It’s how I saw so many R-rated movies, as I couldn’t go to the theater but could read them as redone by Mort Drucker. Imagine my joy when the Usual Gang of Idiots decided to make a movie, just like those new kids, the National Lampoon.

A note: MAD had the humor of old-school Jewish comedy, teaching me words like schmuck, while The Lampoon was rich kids who went to an Ivy League school and did drugs. Also: Oversimplification can be funny.

Publisher William Gaines — yes, the same guy who did Tales from the Crypt — told The Comics Journal, “What happened is that we had a contract with Warner Brothers to put out a MAD movie. It’s like four years old now. They came up with a script we didn’t like, then another one from our scriptwriters they didn’t like, but meanwhile they threw this script onto our desk … Although there were many things in it that I thought were offensive and should be removed, generally, I liked the script. And I thought, “Well, in addition to a MAD movie, there’s nothing wrong with having something like Lampoon did with Animal House.” Animal House was “Lampoon Presents” and really had nothing to do with the magazine; it was just using their name. It was a good movie, very successful, and it made Lampoon a lot of money. I guess. So we were going to do the same thing. “MAD Magazine Completely Disassociates Itself from Up the Academy“. But that was too long for them; they couldn’t think in that many words. They put the damn thing out without all the deletions they had promised to make, which means they’re liars. I’m talking about one of my sister companies [laughter] … And there we were connected with it, and there wasn’t much we could do about it. I paid Warner Bros. 30 grand to have MAD‘s name removed from television. So, for $30,000, we got out of being associated with it on HBO. It won’t say “MAD Magazine Presents,” and Alfred E. Neuman won’t be in it. And it was well worth $30,000.”

It is quite like many other sex comedies that came after The Men of Delta House. Chooch (Ralph Macchio) is the youngest son of an organized crime family; El-Hashid “Hash” Amier Jr. (Tommy Citera) is the son of an oil sheik; Eisenhower “Ike” MacArthur (Wendell Brown) is the son of a faith healer who keeps marrying young wives, and Hash keeps schtupping them (see, I did learn from MAD!). Oliver Holt (Hutch Parker) has a governor for a father and just wants to sleep with his girlfriend Candy (Stacy Nelkin, who is Ellie Grimbridge, and if you get that, welcome to the site), except his father doesn’t want a teen pregnancy getting in the way of his re-election.

Chooch wants to go straight, so enter new recruit, Rodney Ververgaert (Harry Teinowitz), who likes to make things explode.

They’re all being brutalized by Major Vaughn Liceman (Ron Leibman, the Emmy and Tony-winning actor who asked for his name to be removed from this movie; he was also married to Linda Lavin and Jessica Walter, which is pretty good when you think about it), your typical bad guy in a teen sex comedy.

Candy ends up being sent to military school as well, so Liceman sets the couple up and takes pictures of them in the act while demanding that he sleep with Candy to protect Oliver’s father’s election. There’s also a snobs vs. slobs soccer game, Tom Poston playing the most stereotypical mincing gay character ever, Antonio “Huggy Bear” Fargas as a coach, and the mind-blowing Barbara Bach as Lady Starke, Bliss, the teacher every boy in school wants.

Also, it’s not good. It’s aggressively bad.

Directed by Robert Downey Sr., who said it was “one of the worst fucking things in history,” and written by Tom Patchett and Jay Tarses, it was so bad that MAD skipped a letters column to present MAD Magazine Resents Throw Up the Academy, which called out Leibman taking his name off the movie, the fact that actors had to have been pubished by being in it and just two pages of the writers, artists and editors being so mad about the movie that they all quit.

Here’s just a sample of this hit piece:

“Once upon a time, there was a Publisher of a magazine. He was a happy man, publishing his magazine. But one day, he said, “Wouldn’t it be swell if they made a movie and my magazine sponsored it?! It would help sales! Isn’t that a wonderful idea?” All of his Yes-Men agreed that it was a wonderful idea, and so the smart people in Hollywood made a movie, and the magazine sponsored it. But did the Publisher live happily ever after? Not on your life! He overlooked one little thing while summoning images of millions of people rushing to see the movie and then rushing to newsstands to buy his magazine. The thing he overlooked was to find out if the movie was any good! Well? Was it? If you’ve seen it, you already know the answer to that question!”

I had never seen a magazine hype something and then apologize for it. It really was a big deal to my young brain.

It also has a terrifying real-life Alfred E. Newman, designed by Rick Baker. I can only compare this, as the end of the movie, to taking a painful shit and then wiping, only to find blood all over the toilet paper.

Yes, Rev. MacArthur, Ike’s dad, is played by King Coleman, the man who sang “(Do The) Mashed Potatoes.”

At least the soundtrack is good, filled with stuff like The Stooges’ “Gimme Danger” and “Night Theme,” Blondie’s “One Way Or Another” and “X Offender,” The Kinks’ “Yes Sir, No Sir,” Lou Reed’s “Street Hassle,” The Modern Lovers’ “Roadrunner,” David Johansen’s “Girls,” Nick Lowe’s “Heart of the City” and Cheap Trick’s “Surrender.” There’s no reason to have that many great songs in a film this fecund.

You can download this from the Internet Archive.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Meatballs III was on USA Up All Night on December 8 and 9, 1989; May 18 and November 9 and 10, 1990; June 22, September 13 and November 16 and 17, 1991; December 31, 1992; May 21, 1993 and January 10, 1994.

The Meatballs movies aren’t big on continuity, seeing as how Meatballs 2 wasn’t even intended to be a sequel. But at least the third one brings back Rudy, now all grown up and Patrick Dempsey. Over the summer, he’s working and working at a marina for Mean Gene.

Sure, I guess that works, the producers thought. But what if, since the last one had an alien, this episode of the Meatballs story has the ghost of an adult movie star played by Sally Kellerman? What if she has to help our protagonist lose his virginity? And what if her boss was Shannon Tweed? Now we have a movie, they shouted, and shoved their faces into a mountain of white powder.

Yes, if Roxy Dujour can’t get Rudy in bed with a lady, she goes to Hell. The God of the Meatballs continuity is definitely one that movies in very, very mysterious ways.

Director George Mendeluk also made The Kidnapping of the President and Doin’ Time, a movie I have been hunting down for a long time.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Pandemonium was on USA Up All Night on January 14 and April 30, 1989; March 2 and September 28 and 29, 1990; March 22 and April 7, 1991.

There was a time, let’s call it 1983, when we couldn’t just sit down and instantly find any single movie from anywhere in the world and at any point in time. You might think that that would have been a dreary existence, but it was actually kind of awesome. You were at the mercy of the HBO Guide, whatever was on TV that day and whatever new releases were in your video store. Now, it’s all very robotic.

Pandemonium is exactly one of those movies, a film that would just show up on HBO to my delight and one that I’d often stare at on the video shelves. Did it belong in horror? Did it belong in comedy? What kind of maniacs would make this?

Alfred Sole, that’s who. It’s the last movie he’d direct. If anyone knew what slashers were — and had the timing to make fun of their conventions — the director of Alice, Sweet Alice was more than up to the task.

Welcome to It Had To Be, Indiana. It’s a place where football is king, and Blue Grange (Tab Hunter!) wins the 1963 National Championship before he goes on to professional glory. As the game ends, Bambi the cheerleader (Candy Azzara, who played Rodney’s wife in Easy Money and was almost Carol — she was in the second failed pilot — on All In the Family) tries to win his heart before the rest of the cheerleaders kick her out. Seconds later, they’re all skewered together by a javelin.

Almost two decades pass, and the cheerleading camp remains closed due to this tragedy, but Bambi comes back to town to start it back up. I just love how the words EXPOSITION and STILL MORE EXPOSITION flash on the screen while she explains her backstory to Pepe (David Landers, who was Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley) and his mother, Salt.

As each student arrives at the school, they’re labeled VICTIM #1, #2, #3, and so on. The first is Candy (Carol Kane!), who is basically Carrie as she gets into a fight with her mother about dirty pillows at the bus station.

Then there’s VICTIM #2: Glenn Dandy (Judge Reinhold), who comes from a strange family made up of Kaye Ballard (who was in Spike Jonze’s traveling group of musicians and would use her catchphrase “Good luck with your MOUTH!” on shows like The Patty Duke Show and The Perry Como Show) and Donald O’Connor from Singin’ In the Rain. And VICTIM #3: Mandy, whose dad (James MacKrell, who played Lew Landers in both Gremlins and The Howling) introduces her as if he were Bert Parks (look for Victoria Carroll from Nightmare In Wax as her mom).

VICTIM #4 is Sandy (Debralee Scott, Cathy Shumway from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, a show that probably will elicit blank stares from, well, anyone), who gets a ride from Ronald Reagan. And then there’s Andy and Randy, VICTIMS #4 and #5, played by Mile Chapin (Richie from The Funhouse) and Marc McClure (Jimmy Olson himself!).

“Candy, Mandy, Sandy, Andy and Randy,” they all shout.

“And me, Glen.” Everyone stares at Glen.

“Glen Dandy!” This line makes me laugh like a maniac. Look, I was 11 when I first saw this.

After meeting all of these folks, we get to know Sgt. Reginald Cooper (Tommy Smothers), a Mountie who is in the U.S. for some reason. He’s on the trail of a convict named Jarrett (Richard Romans, who provided voices for Heavy Metal), who killed his family with a drill and turned them into bookshelves. Perhaps he can meet up with The Breather from Student Bodies, and they can discuss bookends. Anyways, he’s escaped and Warden June (Eve Arden, Our Miss Brooks and Principal McGee from Grease) has no idea where he’s gone.

This is where I should mention that Johnson, Cooper’s assistant, is played by Paul Reubens in an almost proto-Pee-Wee Herman mode. In fact, much of the cast are Groundlings, so you get appearances by a young Phil Hartman and John Paragon as a prisoner.

The movie turns into a slasher as the killer makes his way to campus, and Cooper falls in love with Candy. Glenn gets blown up on a trampoline. Mandy is trying to brush her teeth for hours when she gets drilled.

But it’s not Jarrett or another killer named Fletcher or even Dr. Fuller from the mental hospital that’s behind it all. The real killer is still at large, with Bambi getting drowned in a tub full of milk and cookies. Randy, Andy and Sandy are killed after a game of strip poker. And now the killer is after Candy, revealing that he’s…

Well, don’t you want to watch this for yourself?

Other notables that show up are Alix Elias (Coach Steroid from Rock ‘n Roll High School), Pat Ast (Edna from Reform School Girls), Don McLeod (T.C. Quist from The Howling), Edie McClurg (who was in, well, any role that needed a funny redhead mom in the 1980’s) and former pro wrestler Lenny Montana (who was most famously Luca Brasi in The Godfather).

Will you like it? Well, I know some people who love Full Moon High and Wacko, while I dislike those films. And I’ve read plenty of folks online who have negatively compared this film to those. But this is just so much better, in my eyes. Sole has a great eye for a gag and some innovative camera movements. And despite the racism of the Japanese Airlines scene, having Godzilla as a stewardess who uses atomic breath to warm up coffee is still hilarious to me.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Sword and the Sorcerer was on USA Up All Night on April 29, 1994 and May 9, 1997.

King Cromwell (Richard Lynch, Bad Dreams, God Told Me To) has come the whole way to Tomb Island to find Xusia (Richard Moll, contractually obligated to be in all 1980’s sword and sorcery movies, although a bad reaction to the contacts needed for his makeup caused Moll to only physically appear in the opening scene), a dead sorcerer who holds the key to defeating King Richard.

But Cromwell realizes that Xusia will turn against him, so he stabs the demonic magician and chases him off a cliff. He doesn’t need him any longer — he’s destroyed all of his enemy’s army. Prince Talon arrives just in time to watch his father die, but doesn’t lose his family’s sword, a triple-bladed number that shoots blades. He’s going to need it to avenge the deaths of his mother and father.

Eleven years later, Talon (now played by Lee Horsely, TV’s Matt Houston) leads a group of mercenaries back to the country of his birth, ready to get his revenge. And oh yeah — Xusia is still around.

Cromwell attacks the city of Edhan, taking Prince Mikah (Simon MacCorkingdale, Jaws 3D) captive and nearly getting his sister Alana too, before she is saved by Talon, who also agrees to rescue her brother if he can have her for one night.  Of course, as soon as our hero leaves, Alana gets taken by Cromwell.

Talon rescues Mikah, but is captured by Cromwell, who forces Alana to marry him. He invites the four neighboring kings to the ceremony, where he crucifies Talon (obviously Conan the Barbarian was an influence). But our hero is insanely strong, and he pulls himself off the crucifix as Mikah and his soldiers attack the castle (one of them, Phillip, is Reb Brown from Yor, Hunter from the Future).

Cromwell takes Alana to the castle’s dungeons, where his second-in-command, Machelli, reveals himself to be Xusia. Talon uses his sword to defeat him, then bests Cromwell in mortal combat. Finally, a giant snake attacks Alana, but Talon saves her and defeats Xusia again.

Talon might be the rightful heir, but he gives his crown to Mikah, then gets what he really wants: Alana. After a night of what we can only imagine is some solid cocksmanship (and perhaps a marital aid that works just like his sword), he and his men do a collective group walk of shame as they head out looking for a new adventure.

The end of the film promises “Watch for Talon’s Next Adventure Tales of an Ancient Empire,” but a sequel would not appear until 2012.

Despite being rated R, the cheapo toy company Fleetwood released both miniature figures and a replica sword from the film!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Joy of Sex was on USA Up All Night on June 17, 1994; February 11 and October 27, 1995 and February 17 and April 12, 1996.

Did everybody’s parents have a copy of Dr. Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex? What a frightening book that was, what with its Chris Foss (Flash Gordon, Guardians of the Galaxy, Jodorowsky’s Dune) illustrations of incredibly hairy flower children engaging in all manner of marital congress.

Paramount Pictures thought that with the name of the book, they’d have a big movie, too. They spent all kinds of money to get the right and then paid Charles Grodin — who was told the movie could be about anything — to write the script. So he wrote a script about writing the script. That movie was eventually made as Movers & Shakers.

Next, John Hughes was to write a script that Penny Marshall would have directed and John Belushi would have starred in, but then Belushi died. That would have been a National Lampoon movie, and the studio tried to keep their name on the film before the publisher, Matty Simmons, made a huge deal of the Lampoon having nothing to do with the film.

Finally, Paramount was running out of time, with just four months left on its option. They went to TV producer Frank Konigsberg, who said, “They knew that in television you do things quickly. We threw together a script. They wanted me to use director Martha Coolidge, who’d just made Valley Girl. It was a job. We just had to get it done. I didn’t think it was a successful movie at all. It was awful. Martha hated it. I hated it.”

As for Coolidge, she would say, “Paramount insisted on topless girls running down the hall because they thought the formula demanded it, and it was totally gratuitous. I hated putting them in for no reason and argued against it. But when the film was previewed, the audience, particularly young women and girls, hated the nudity, so Paramount then asked me to cut as much of it out as I could!”

She described that experience as miserable, telling her official site, “We were under constant pressure and scrutiny to do the impossible, we had eight days of prep, 20 days to shoot, and my A.D. quit because he was so angry.”

By the end, she applied for an Alan Smithee credit for her directing. However, her name stayed on. She’d follow it up with Real Genius, which I hope was a more rewarding experience (It was — despite turning it down twice, once it was rewritten, she came around to the film and really got into it after producer Brian Grazer told her, “Making a movie should be fun!” She said that he ended up being “supportive, great to be around and knowledgeable about comedy and film production.”).

As for the movie, it’s all about high school senior Leslie Hindenberg (Judy from Revenge of the Nerds, who left acting to practice Zen Buddhism), who gets a mole checked and learns she only has six months to live. That leaves her with one goal in life: to lose her virginity.

There’s a good cast with Cameron Dye (Valley Girl, Out of the Dark) as the love interest and Christopher Lloyd as Leslie’s gym teacher dad, plus Colleen Camp, Ernie Hudson, Darren Dalton and Canadian scream queen Lisa Langlois (Happy Birthday to Me, Deadly Eyes).

But otherwise, if you were expecting something better, this isn’t it. I don’t blame Coolidge for this film’s failure.