Tag Archives: 1987

Murder, She Wrote S4 E5: The Way to Dusty Death (1987)

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A business tyrant’s sudden death puts Jessica on the trail of several of his suspicious company executives.

Season 4, Episode 4: The Way to Dusty Death (October 25, 1987)

When Jessica and the rest of the corporate bigwigs get the invite to a chairman’s secluded country estate, they think they’re there to fight for the throne. Instead, they find their host stone-cold dead. Turns out, he didn’t just invite them over for cocktails; he brought them all together to reveal he was playing them against each other and just as the knives were coming out, someone decided to stop talking and start killing.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

  • Joanna Barnes (Lydia Barnett): A classic face of the 60s and 70s who was in everything from Spartacus to The War Wagon.
  • Richard Beymer (Morgan McCormack): Tony from West Side Story, but genre fans know him from his chilling turn in David Lynch’s Twin Peaks.
  • Lynn Carlin (Nicole): Best known for John Cassavetes’ Faces.
  • Nancy Dussault (Kate Dutton): A sitcom staple who brought a lot of charm to the screen during the golden age of TV guest spots. Muriel from Too Close for Comfort!
  • Jenilee Harrison (Serena): She was on Three’s Company and Dallas, but she’s logged enough appearances in TV mysteries to be considered part of the “we’ve seen you die in everything” club.
  • Richard Jaeckel (Dr. Leon Chatsworth): Now here’s a guy. A true character actor who showed up in everything from The Dirty Dozen to the horror-inflected Mako: The Jaws of Death and Grizzly. He fought nature throughout the drive-in era.
  • Andrea Marcovicci (Anne Hathaway): She’s got a resume that spans from high-brow drama to the Larry Cohen classic The Stuff.
  • Sandy McPeak (Spruce Osborne): A reliable heavy in countless 70s and 80s procedurals.
  • Joanna Pettet (Virginia McCormack): Total cult royalty. She was in the Bond spoof Casino Royale, but we know her for her roles in the horror flicks Welcome to Arrow Beach and the killer-house movie The Evil.
  • Lawrence Pressman (Tom Dutton): A veteran of the screen who turned up in The Hellstrom Chronicle and The Man in the Glass Booth.
  • Ray Walston (Q. L. Frubson): A legend. From the alien My Favorite Martian to the ultimate cool-but-mean teacher, Mr. Hand, in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
  • Cornel Wilde (Duncan Barnett): A swashbuckling star of the 40s and 50s who turned into a real master of exploitation and survival horror later in his career. He directed and starred in the gritty, intense The Naked Prey.
  • Jay Robinson (Paddock): He was Caligula in The Robe, but he’s also in The Sword and the Sorcerer, Transylvania Twist and the mutant-mosquito disaster flick Skeeter.

Smaller roles are played by Hank Brandt, Bob Snead, E.R. Davies, Larry Carr, Dotty Ertel, Ben Pollock, Walter Smith and Flo Di Re.

What happens?

Jessica finds herself in the concrete jungle of New York City, trading her quiet life in Cabot Cove for the cold, hard world of high finance. She’s been roped into the board of directors for Barnett Industries, mostly because the chairman, Duncan Barnett, thinks having her name on the letterhead adds some class.

She just wants to make sure her local paper-mill stays open.

Duncan calls for a special weekend retreat at his townhouse on 63rd Street, and the air is thick with ambition. Everyone in the room is sweating, waiting for the news that he’s finally stepping down and handing over the keys to the kingdom.

When Duncan stands up and drops the bombshell—that he’s not going anywhere—the room turns toxic. It’s full-on Macbeth. We’ve got Morgan McCormack and his wife Virginia playing the power-couple, fueled by a cryptic reading from a psychic named Paddock that promises them the crown.

Then, someone decides that waiting for the natural order of succession is for suckers.

The next morning, the board realizes their beloved boss is dead. At first, it looks like a botched poisoning attempt. Morgan and Ginny had already spiked his brandy with digitalis and they scramble to cover their tracks when they realize he didn’t drink it. But J.B. isn’t buying the easy answer. She starts digging, realizing that in a house full of vipers, the person who actually pulled the trigger (or in this case, pushed the appliance) was the one nobody suspected.

Who did it?

The killer is Kate Dutton (was she tired of Cosmic Cow?). While the McCormacks were busy plotting and planting fake evidence, Kate went to Duncan to plead her husband’s case. When Duncan laughed in her face, she didn’t walk away. She pushed the television set right into his bathtub, killing him with a high-voltage jolt.

At the risk of being on a government watch list, this is my favorite way people get murdered in movies.

Kate was caught because she claimed to have heard a noise from another room that, given the layout of the townhouse, would have been physically impossible to hear.

Who made it?

It was directed by Nick Havinga, who directed episodes of Cliffhangers! and the TV movie made from one of the unfinished stories, The Girl Who Saved the World. This was written by Philip Gerson.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. Come on! Jessica doesn’t even have a groove yet, much less is ready to get it back.

Was it any good?

It’s a nice change of pace from small town to big city.

Any trivia?

This was Cornel Wilde’s last role.

The title of this episode is quote from Macbeth:

“Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.”

The victims’ names are the same as the play and the character of Anne Hathaway is possibly named for Shakespeare’s wife.

Mrs. McCormack threatens Jessica with libel for something she said. Maybe she means slander.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Paddock: There are times when the forces of life combine to create a power where all things are possible, where a strong man can act with speed and decisiveness. For the timid, a moment never realized. For the bold, a moment that can catapult him to undreamed-of plateaus of personal wealth and power. Your will is extremely powerful, Mr. McCormack. It shall overpower those with whom you compete. And I can tell you, that will be soon, very soon.

What’s next?

Jessica’s British cousin, Emma MacGill is charged with an old flame’s murder. Get ready. This is where the show has her dressing up and acting like an idiot! This is also a British actor from American TV episode, with Christopher Hewett (Mr. Belvedere) and Jane Leeves (tossed salad and scrambled eggs) showing upo. Will Lynn Belvedere get killed or — even better — show Jessica a bit of the business? Or dare I dream of a sapphic tryst with Niles Crane’s love? Hurry back next week!

JUNESPLOITATION: Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater

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DAY 14. Cannon!

Wow, you have no idea how excited I am about this.

I saw VHS art for the movie Urban Warriors and saw something I have never seen before: the Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater line.

If you’ve spent any time looking at the history of the Cannon Group, you know that the company was essentially a house of cards held together by Menahem Golan’s ambition and a lot of pre-sold tape rights. They didn’t even bother starting their own domestic home video label until 1989. By that point, the wheels were already coming off the Go-Go Boys’ wagon and they were slashing their production budgets to the bone.

They needed product to fill the shelves of that new home video arm and they needed it cheap. That’s how they ended up dumpster diving into the international market, picking up some oddball productions.

I went to the source of all things Cannon, Austin Trunick, who already covered this four years ago on the Cannon Film Guide Facebook page, saying “In the late ’80s, Cannon tried to squeeze some money out of several of their older distro titles that hadn’t been fully exploited on the video market. Their idea was to have modern stars introduce the films, which resulted in the “Michael Dudikoff Presents Action Adventure Theater” line of tapes.”

Much like the 22-26 action adventure films that bear the title Sybil Danning’s Adventure Video for the USA Home Video company, this was a way to use an action star to make some money with no risk.

There are only four of these, so why don’t we get into them?

The Bronx Executioner (1989): Welcome to a post-apocalyptic wasteland where humanoids and androids are locked in a nonsensical war for supremacy. These androids bleed human blood, look like guys in leather jackets and apparently spent their entire R&D budget at a RadioShack clearance sale. If one of them had an Italian name, it would be Roberto Batty.

The film follows our rookie deputy, James (Gabriele Gori, Attrazione Pericolosa), who arrives in the Bronx to replace the legendary Sheriff Warren. And here is where the fun begins: Warren is played by the iconic Woody Strode, but every single frame of him is shamelessly recycled from the 1984 movie The Final Executioner.

As for the Bronx itself? It’s a series of mounds of dirt and a derelict country villa that has never seen a New York City zip code in its life. James, fresh from a police academy that apparently consists solely of doing chin-ups on a metal pole, is tasked with policing this chaos. But the movie quickly gets bored with him, and shifts focus to Dakar (Alex Vitale, Jakoda from Strike Commando!), a humanoid leader who spends the better part of the runtime screaming into a walkie-talkie while driving a jeep through the Italian countryside.

When a cyborg goes on a killing spree, you’d expect some stakes, right? Forget it. You won’t get an explanation of who, why or what the hell is happening. The narrative is a patchwork quilt of stock footage, recycled scenes and incoherent voice-overs. As for the big bad, Margie is the quintessential evil android, strutting around in a dog collar and proclaiming, “Violence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” She’s the heart and soul of this mess. And she’s played by Margie Newton, who got all painted up in Mattei’s Hell of the Living Dead and was Aphrodite in Cozzi’s The Adventures of Hercules.

Director Vanio Amici is an equal-opportunity recycler. Why film a new action scene when you can just use the one you already shot five minutes ago? It saves time and prevents you from having to rewind to watch the faceless extras get blasted again. For a long time, people thought he was Umberto Lenzi, as the name on the credits is Bob Collins. Amici only directed one other movie, Detective Malone, which remixes two of Lenzi’s Black Cobra movies, further muddying the movie waters and making nerds like me wonder who really made it. As for the rest of his credits, he mainly worked as an editor with a resume that includes Black Demons, Karate Warrior 6, Aenigma and many adult films. Perhaps his toughest challenge was being the editor for Troll 2. I wonder how he was able to make it make as much sense as it does.

As for co-writer Piero Regnoli, his IMDb is the kind of magical place I could get lost in. His credits include Voices From Beyond, Penombra, Malabimba, Burial Ground, Patrick Still Lives, Cry of a Prostitute, The Third Eye, The Playgirls and the Vampire, and so many more. He also directed I’ll See You In Hell, Maciste In King Solomon’s Mines, Appuntamento a Dallas and the aforementioned Playgirls and the Vampire.

This has it all and by all, I mean perms, leather jackets, headbands and a finale so dramatically deep that it tries to mimic Blade Runner before hitting a hard freeze-frame.

Dakar: James, can I tell you something?

James: Sure. What?

Dakar: I always envied you. I wanted to be like you.

James: You mean human?

Dakar: It was just… a dream.

It’s a total mess. I loved it!

Cross Mission (1988): Leave it to Alfonso Brescia—working under his Al Bradley alias—to decide that what the jungle combat — Rambsoploitation — genre really needed wasn’t just more stock footage of explosions, but literal demons. What else can we expect from the director of Murder In Blue Light, Iron Warrior, The Beast In Space and an entire series of Star Wars rip-offs?

Cross Mission starts off as your standard, run-of-the-mill exploitation flick. General Romero, played by Antonio Poli, is the iron-fisted ruler of a small Latin American nation. He’s got the whole “I’m a good guy” routine down to a science, publicly torching marijuana fields to impress the U.N. inspectors. Of course, once the inspectors pack up their clipboards and head for the airport, it’s back to the narco-trafficking business as usual.

When a marine named William (Richard Randall, whose only other role is in a TV movie version of A Christmas Carol) decides to investigate the racket alongside a crusading reporter named Helen (Brigitte Porsche, her only role, and no, she’s not an adult star), things spiral into the usual jungle chaos. Do huts explode? Do some of the good guys die and need revenge? Does the hero get ready for the last battle in a montage, putting on a special outfit to show the audience he’s finally done playing nice? Yes to all of these things.

But here is where the movie veers off the tracks and into the territory of the sublime. Just when you think you’ve seen every trope in the book, Brescia hits you with the supernatural. General Romero isn’t just a drug lord; he’s a practitioner of the dark arts. He’s got the ability to summon a diabolical small demon named Astaroth, played by Nelson De La Rosa (the mini Brando of The Island of Dr. Moreau and the titular Rat Man), at will. When he’s shooting blue lightning at people, the movie suddenly shifts from a generic war film to an Italian bit of magic.

Brescia would go on to direct Miami Cops the following year, but Cross Mission remains a singular, bizarre experiment. It doesn’t fully succeed as a war movie, and it doesn’t fully succeed as a supernatural thriller, but for the sheer audacity of blending the two? It’s a more than decent one-time watch. You come for the jungle action, but you stay because you need to see how a magic little guy fits into an exploding helicopter subplot.

Bridge to Hell (1986): I love Umberto Lenzi. Whether its Eurospy (Super Seven Calling Cairo, Kriminal), his films with Carroll Baker (Orgasmo; So Sweet, So Perverse; A Quiet Place to Kill; Knife of Ice), giallo (Spasmo, Eyeball, Seven Bloodstained Orchids), cannibal films (Man From Deep River, Cannibal Ferox, Eaten Alive!), horror (Ghosthouse, Nightmare City), cop violence (Almost Human, The Tough Ones)…the guy knew how to make a movie.

Lt. Bill Rogers (Andy Forrest, also in Massimo Pirri’s The Kiss of the Cobra, Tonino Valerii’s Sicilian Connection, Lenzi’s The House of Witchcraft, Hunt for the Gold Scorpion and, oddly, the Giandomenico Curi-directed Italian Lambada movie and yes, there were two movies with this title in the same year), Sgt. Mario Pazilbo Esposito (Carlo Mucari, Snuff Killer and Obsession: A Taste for Fear) and Blitz (Paki Valente) have broken out of a POV camp. Rogers is an American pilot who trades a POW camp for the Yugoslavian wilderness after getting shot down. Espozi has the nickname Spaghetti because he’s Italian — in an Italian movie — and Blinz is an Austrian deserter who realized his side was losing.

Our motley crew of POWs managed to link up with some partisans and a local Orthodox priest. The partisans are desperate, looking for pilots to take their last two functioning planes and turn those German-held hillsides into a fireworks display. But while they’re busy flying for the resistance, the boys get wind of some serious loot. Vanya (Francesca Ferrè), a nun who traded her habit for a submachine gun, tips them off about a haul of priceless gold chalices stashed away at the St. Basil convent.

According to Andy J. Forrest, Ferrè was functionally blind without her glasses and ended one take by walking directly into a tree.

After pulling off two successful bombing runs, the POWs stop caring about the war effort and start plotting a heist. They leverage their pilot skills to score some hardware, then convince Vanya to lead them to the chapel. She thinks they’re on the level, but these guys are just mercenaries in disguise, ready to double-cross everyone for the gold.

There’s a Fabio Frizzi score, which is nice, and Luigi Ciccarese as cinematographer. He shot plenty of Bruno Mattei’s later movies, especially his SOV 2000s efforts, as well as tons of adult. Along the way, Lenzi stole battle scenes from The Battle of Sutjeska and Partizanska eskadrila.

It’s not the most exciting war movie you’ve seen, but it does have a genuinely impressive train explosion and watching our guys lean out of a biplane to drop bombs by hand is the kind of practical, low-budget ingenuity that makes these films so charming.

Urban Warriors (1987): You know you’re in for a wild ride when the opening act consists of a montage of mushroom clouds followed immediately by stock footage of volcanoes erupting. Then, we meet Brad (Bruno Bilotta), our hero, and his buddies, Maury (Bjorn Hammer) and Stan (Maurice Poli), who are hanging out in an underground lab when the power goes out. When they finally decide to crawl out of their bunker, they discover that the world has ended. And apparently, the end of the world is synonymous with an immediate, city-wide explosion in the local population of leather-clad biker gangs.

Vari’s vision of the future looks suspiciously like a gravel pit and a single abandoned factory. That’s the kind of set design that makes a Cirio Santiago movie look like a Cecil B. DeMille epic.

The mutants here are a special breed. According to Brad—who, again, as you may remember, was just working at a power station and doesn’t seem like a scientist—these guys suffer from a mutation that apparently destroys their inner ear whenever the sun goes down. Before you can say uno, due, tre, quattordici, all these bad ass post-apocalyptic warriors have vertigo.

The aesthetic is exactly what you’d expect if a group of guys raided a discount S&M shop and then realized they needed to re-qualify for their motorcycle licenses. Watching Brad’s buddy Maury emerge from a shack wearing a full-on studded leather helmet and a white scarf—while manning a bike with mounted weapons—is reason enough for the world to end.

Brad’s journey is a masterclass in survival priorities. After watching his buddy Maury get killed—a tragedy clearly caused by failing to stick to a strict vehicle maintenance schedule—Brad doesn’t weep. He gets himself some leather, finds a woman (Rosenda Scharschmidt, Dark Bar) to get busy with and promptly gets attacked because she wants his spinal marrow. At least he defeats the leader of the mutants, played by Alex Vitale, who will always be Jakoda from Strike Commando. Oh yeah — Malisa Longo from Cat In the Brain and the titular star of Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg –– is in this barterdown bootleg too.

This was Giuseppe Vari’s return to the director’s chair after a decade away, and spoiler alert: it was also his final film.

Much like another Michael Dudikoff Presents film, The Bronx Executioner, this takes scenes from The Final Executioner. Even stranger, I have heard Paolo Rustichelli’s theme described as either a cover of “White Lines” or the Art of Noise cover of “Dragnet.”

Good news: Cauldron just released this.

Murder, She Wrote S4 E3: Witness for the Defense (1987)

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Jessica goes to Quebec to testify at the trial of a friend who is accused of killing his wife and burning his house.

Season 4, Episode 3: Witness for the Defense (October 4, 1987)

Jessica Fletcher heads to Quebec to testify in a murder trial, but because this is her show, she ends up doing a better job than the defense attorney. This episode has everything: a burning house, a “suicidal” wife and a courtroom full of people who look like they belong in a Hammer movie.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Patrick McGoohan (Attorney Oliver Quayle): If you have to ask, you’re on the wrong website. McGoohan is the creator and star of the ultimate psychedelic spy-fi cult masterpiece, The Prisoner (“I am not a number, I am a free man!”). He was also the lead in Secret Agent/Danger Man, was in Scanners and played the villainous Longshanks in Braveheart. Here, he brings that trademark intensity that makes you wonder if he’s going to defend his client or trap everyone in an underground bunker.

Juliet Mills (Annette Pirage): Part of the legendary Mills acting dynasty, she’s best known to sitcom fans as the lead in Nanny and the Professor. But for us, she’s a legend for starring in the 1974 Exorcist rip-off/cult classic Beyond the Door, and later, the batshit-insane supernatural soap Passions.

Claire Trevor (Judith Harlan): A Film Noir queen, she won an Oscar for Key Largo and starred in Stagecoach. Seeing her in an 80s TV mystery is like finding a vintage Cadillac in a suburban garage—pure class.

Christopher Allport (Jim Harlan): You likely recognize him as Andrew Campbell from Mad Men, but horror fans know him as the star of the sentient-killer-snowman flick Jack Frost. He also survived The Savage Bees.

Richard Cox (Clay McCloud): Best known for the 1980 Al Pacino leather-bar thriller Cruising. He also popped up in Star Trek: The Next Generation and the horror-adjacent The Vindicator.

Stefan Gierasch (Dr. Cornwall): A premier “That Guy” character actor. He was in Carrie as the principal and played Delue in the western masterpiece Jeremiah Johnson.

Marilyn Hassett (Patricia Harlan): She was the star of the tear-jerker The Other Side of the Mountain. In the cult world, she led the 1979 thriller The Bell Jar and the 1984 slasher-mystery The Nightingales.

Simon Jones (Barnaby Friar): He is, and always will be, Arthur Dent from the original TV and radio versions of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. He also appeared in 12 Monkeys.

Dianne Kay (Monica Blane): Best known as Nancy Bradford on Eight Is Enough. She also starred in Spielberg’s comedy-war cult classic 1941.

James Staley (Fouchet): A veteran of 80s TV who appeared in The Video Dead.

Charlie Brill (Rudy): One half of the comedy duo “McCall & Brill.” Trekkies know him as Arne Darvin in the classic episode “The Trouble with Tribbles.”

Sean G. Griffin (Klebber): A reliable TV hand seen in everything from The Abyss to Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Dori Arnold (Secretary): Appeared in the TV movie The Last Convertible.

Ivan Bonar (His Lordship): A veteran of The Waltons and Dynasty.

Smaller roles are played by Charles Cirillo, Selby Dessner, Fritz Ford and Walter Smith.

What happens?

Jessica Fletcher travels to Quebec, where everyone has British accents, to testify as a character witness for her friend and fellow novelist, Jim Harlan. Six months prior, Jessica had been staying at the Harlan estate to help Jim proofread the galleys for his upcoming book. During that visit, a tragic explosion and fire leveled the garden house, killing Jim’s wife, Patricia.

While originally ruled an accident, new evidence has come to light. The authorities now believe Jim deliberately blew up the garden house to rid himself of a wife who was openly unfaithful and only interested in his wealth. Jessica, believing in Jim’s innocence, finds herself caught in a high-stakes legal battle led by the formidable and eccentric defense attorney Oliver Quayle.

As the trial progresses, Jessica begins to realize that her own memory of that night might be the key to the truth. She revisits the events leading up to the fire, seeking the missing pieces the police and the defense have overlooked. She realizes that the dynamics within the Harlan household, specifically the influence of Jim’s overprotective mother, Judith, are far more toxic than they appear.

While Jim and Patricia appeared affectionate, Patricia’s friend Monica Blane was present, and a mysterious interaction occurred between Patricia and the gardener. Patricia stayed behind for a 6:00 PM hair appointment while Jim drove Monica to the airport for a 7:40 PM flight. Jessica was dropped off at the Harlan townhouse at 6:30 PM, and the family gathered for dinner at 8:30 PM, where they received news of the fire.

It’s soon established that the fire was arson, caused by a disconnected gas line and a stove burner left open. There’s more evidence against J.B.’s friend, who testified he heard Jim threaten to kill Patricia after she demanded a divorce. Then, the medical examiner states that Patricia died from a blow to the head before the fire started. And to add to the timeline above, the sleazy owner of the Blue Sky Motel claims that Jim checked in with Monica Blane at 6:53 PM instead of just going to the airport.

In a shocking twist, the Crown calls Jessica to the stand to establish Jim’s whereabouts. However, the most entertaining segment occurs when Jim’s own lawyer, Oliver Quayle, cross-examines his own witness to discredit her. Quayle’s attack is a meta-commentary on the show itself. Just see the quotes below, as he points out that Jessica uses an alias (J.B. Fletcher), was once committed to an institution for the criminally insane (a reference to a book research trip) and highlights that her nieces and nephews — Victoria, Tracy and Grady — have all been arrested for murder.

Despite being dismissed by Quayle, Jessica continues her sleuthing. She learns that Patricia was an ex-convict being blackmailed by Monica. And while Patricia’s body was identified by her wedding ring, a valuable family brooch — an heirloom belonging to Jim’s grandmother — was missing from the scene.

Jessica realizes that a common thief or blackmailer would have taken the five-carat diamond rings, but only someone with sentimental ties would have specifically taken the brooch. Working with the Queen’s Counsel, Jessica sets a trap. They circulate a rumor that the gardener has the brooch. Predictably, the real killer arrives at the gardener’s shack to plant the evidence and frame him.

Who did it?

The shadowy figure is revealed to be Judith, Jim’s mother. Judith’s motive was protection and class-based elitism; she viewed Patricia as a common showgirl and an embezzler who was ruining her son’s life. Judith killed Patricia during a confrontation over her past and then set the fire to cover the crime, keeping the brooch simply because it was a family treasure she couldn’t bear to see destroyed. After Patricia was knocked unconscious (or killed) by the blow to the head, Judith staged a gas leak to cause the explosion, hoping the fire would destroy all evidence of the assault.

Who made it?

This was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by story editor Robert E. Swanson.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No, this is another serious episode, and there’s no time for that. But the famous popcorn GIF? That’s from this episode!

Was it any good?

Yes, it actually shows that these stories take place in a universe and aren’t all one-shots.

Any trivia?

This episode is set in Canada, but no filming actually takes place there.

The crimes referred to in the dialogue between Jessica and Oliver Quayle come from:

Give me a reasonable quote:

Attorney: Mrs. Fletcher, have you ever used the alias J.B. Fletcher?

Jessica: Yes, on my books. They’re my initials.

Attorney: So you admit that you are a writer?

Jessica: Well, I’ve never felt any need to deny it. At least, uh, not so far.

Attorney: And it was in the guise of a writer that you wheedled your way into the confidence of the Harlan family?

Jessica: Wheedled?

Attorney: Do you deny that the plot for your next book was stolen from an unfinished manuscript by James Harlan?

Jessica: I certainly do.

Attorney: That is a matter we will leave for the civil courts to decide. … Mrs. J.B. Fletcher, have you any recollection of being committed to the State of Maine Institute for the Criminally Insane between the months of May and July in the year 1985?

Jessica: I was never committed anywhere. I entered the institution voluntarily.

Attorney: Under the care of Dr. Sidney Bachmann, who is a specialist in the field of criminal psychosis?

Jessica: Yes. I was researching a book.

Attorney: Indeed? What a perfect subterfuge.

Jessica: The book was called Sanitarium of Death. It was dedicated to Dr. Bachmann.

Attorney: Out of gratitude, no doubt, for the excellent care you received. Is it not a fact, Mrs. Fletcher, that a niece of yours, Victoria Griffin, was arrested for murder last year?

Jessica: Yes, but…

Attorney: Is it not a fact that another niece, Tracy McGill, was also arrested for murder?

Jessica: Yes, but I can explain.

Attorney: And that your nephew, Grady Fletcher, was arrested not once but twice, also on the charge of homicide?

Jessica: Yes, I know how that seems.

Attorney: Seems? Madam, it seems that one of New England’s most respected families is a breeding ground for homicidal maniacs!

Jessica: The charges were dropped in every single one of those cases.

Attorney: Dropped? Oh, yes, then indeed, you must also be one of the most powerful families in your country. … I have no further questions.

What’s next?

Jessica visits a convent to see a former sorority sister and winds up searching for a nun’s killer. Clu Gulager is in it!

Murder, She Wrote S4 E2: When Thieves Fall Out (1987)

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When a prisoner is released from jail after serving 20 years, he returns to Cabot Cove to prove he was wrongly convicted.

Season 4, Episode 2: When Thieves Fall Out (September 27, 1987)

Twenty years is a long time to stew in a cage. It’s long enough for a town like Cabot Cove to turn a pack of local jocks into pillars of the community and long enough for a man like Andrew Durbin to decide it’s time he got his life back.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Tom Bosley (Sheriff Amos Tupper): Before he was dealing with Jessica’s meddling, he was America’s dad, Howard Cunningham, on Happy Days. Cult fans know him as the voice of The World of David the Gnome.

John Glover (Andrew Durbin): An absolute legend of the unsettling character actor pantheon. He’s best known as Lionel Luthor on Smallville and the billionaire Daniel Clamp in Gremlins 2: The New Batch. He’s also been in In the Mouth of Madness and was the voice of the Riddler in the 90s Batman: The Animated Series.

Michael Lembeck (Arnie Wakeman): Known for playing Max Horvath on One Day at a Time, Lembeck eventually moved behind the lens to direct The Santa Clause sequels.

Kenneth McMillan (Coach Kevin Cauldwell): You know him. You fear him. He’s the Baron Vladimir Harkonnen from David Lynch’s Dune (the one with the boils and the floating). He also played the grumpy Captain in The Taking of Pelham One Two Three and the neighbor in Cat’s Eye.

Caitlin O’Heaney (Tara Sillman): The ultimate Final Girl credential here: she was the lead, Amy, in the 1981 slasher classic He Knows You’re Alone (which featured a young Tom Hanks). She also starred in the short-lived but beloved adventure series Tales of the Gold Monkey.

John Bennett Perry (Judge Perry Sillman): Yes, he’s Matthew Perry’s dad. He’s been in everything from Independence Day to George of the Jungle.

Dack Rambo (Bill Hampton): Best known as Jack Ewing on Dallas. He had that perfectly coiffed 80s hair that seemed built for primetime soaps, but he also appeared in the cult horror-thriller Nightmare Honeymoon.

Shelley Smith (Alison Hampton): A former supermodel turned actress who was a staple of the game show circuit. She had a lead role in the series The Associates and appeared in the TV horror flick The Memory of Eva Ryker.

Mark Voland (Dan Pulling): A reliable TV face seen in The Love Boat and Matlock. He specializes in playing the “guy who might be the killer but is probably just a jerk.”

Charles Summers (Doc Mathews): A veteran of TV, popping up in Falcon Crest and various soaps.

Dick Durock (Man Stopping Fight): Keep your eyes peeled for the man breaking up the scuffle. Durock is the Swamp Thing. He played the mossy hero in both the 1982 Wes Craven film and the 1989 sequel, as well as the TV series. He’s a stunt legend who has been punched by every leading man in Hollywood.

What happens?

Durbin arrives in Maine with a chip on his shoulder the size of a lighthouse. Two decades ago, he was a hitchhiker who survived a car crash that killed a wealthy businessman. While Durbin ran for help, someone else showed up and finished the job, bashing the businessman’s head in with a rock and making off with $100,000 in bearer bonds. Durbin took the fall, largely because he was a long-haired anti-war protester in a town that didn’t like his kind.

He’s back because he finally recognized the face of the kid driving that other car: Bill Hampton, now a successful car dealer. Durbin starts a psychological war, hovering around Hampton like a ghost, eventually setting a trap by leaving his car at the dealership. Jessica, of course, gets pulled in when Hampton’s wife starts worrying about her husband’s fraying nerves. But before J.B. can mediate, Bill turns up dead with a bullet in his head and a suicide note blaming Durbin’s harassment.

Jessica notices the “suicide” was a right-handed shot to a left-handed man. The killer didn’t just want Bill dead; they wanted to frame Durbin again. But this isn’t your standard “Aunt Jess catches a greedy nephew” episode. It’s a deep dive into the rot beneath the surface of small-town nostalgia.

We get a classic subplot with Arnie Wakeman, a former athlete in a wheelchair, suing Hampton. In a moment of pure Jessica sleuthing, she notices scuff marks on a waxed floor and realizes Arnie is really unhurt. Speaking of athletes, this one centers on the state-champion football team of twenty years ago. These men are the town’s heroes, and their leader was Coach Cauldwell.

Who did it?

The reveal is a gut-punch. Coach Cauldwell wasn’t just a mentor; he was the one who saw the accident, saw the money and chose greed over the lives of his boys. When he realized the businessman was still alive, he used a rock to protect his future. Twenty years later, when Bill Hampton got cold feet about Durbin’s return, the Coach killed him, too. He viewed Bill like a son, but apparently, $100k and a reputation are worth more than family.

This is one of the rare downers on the show. Usually, when the handcuffs click, Jessica shares a laugh with Amos or Seth over a bowl of chowder. Not here. Jessica is genuinely wounded. She lost a friend in the Coach and discovered that her beloved neighbors were complicit in hiding a crime for two decades. When she confronts Durbin at the end, she displays that libertine scold energy—it almost feels like she’s actually annoyed at him for bringing the truth to light because of the collateral damage to her social circle.

Just look at this dialogue:

Jessica: I can’t help but think that justice could have been served in a better way.

Durbin: Oh? Well, you give it some thought, Mrs. Fletcher, and when you figure out what could have been, you let me know.

Who made it?

This was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by Arthur Weingarten. Speaking of Tales of the Golden Monkey, he wrote episodes of the other Indiana Jones cash-in TV series of the 1982-83 season, Bring ‘Em Back Alive.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No, this is a serious episode.

Was it any good?

Yes! I love learning that Cabot Cove isn’t always such a nice place to live.

Any trivia?

This episode’s title is from James William Emery Townsend, who said, “When thieves fall out, honest men get their dues. But when honest men fall out, lawyers get their fees.”

We learn in this episode that the population of Cabot Cove is 3,560. I expect it will be lower by the end of the series.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Andrew Durbin: I came to say good-bye and to thank you.

Jessica Fletcher: I’d rather you didn’t.

Andrew Durbin: But I was telling you the truth, and I did spend 20 years in prison unjustly.

Jessica Fletcher: Yes. And I’m sorry. But you knew when you came here what would happen.

Andrew Durbin: I wasn’t sure, but I did warn you I was after justice.

What’s next?

Jessica goes to Quebec to testify at the trial of a friend who is accused of killing his wife and burning his house.

Murder, She Wrote S4 E1: A Fashionable Way to Die (1987)

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Jessica jaunts to Paris at the behest of an old friend whose fashion boutique is in financial trouble. When a local loan shark is murdered, Jessica must dig deep to find the truth.

Season 4, Episode 1: A Fashionable Way to Die (September 20, 1987)

Jessica flies to France to attend a big fashion show of one of her old friends. Will someone die? Have you ever watched this show?

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Lee Bergere (Maxim Soury): A veteran character actor best known for extensive television work across the 1960s–80s, including frequent appearances in suspense and crime dramas.  Best known to science fiction fans for playing Abraham Lincoln in the Star Trek: The Original Series episode “The Savage Curtain.” He’s also in the movies Time Trackers and played Joseph Anders on Dynasty.

Bill Beyers (Peter Appleyard): Primarily a working television performer who was in Tuff Turf.

Danielle Brisebois (Kim Bechet): Famous as a child star playing Stephanie Mills on All in the Family and Archie Bunker’s Place, and Molly in the original Broadway cast of Annie. She later became a successful songwriter (co-writing “Unwritten” for Natasha Bedingfield).

Randi Brooks (Lu Watters): Appeared in the cult sci-fi comedy The Man with Two Brains and the 80s action-horror Terror on Highway 91, as well as TerrorVision and Hamburger: The Motion Picture.

Taina Elg (Claudia Soury): A Golden Age film actress with a strong background in stage and screen, but she was also in Hercules In New York.

Juliet Prowse (Valerie Bechet): A celebrated dancer and performer known for musical films and television variety work. She’s in Who Killed Teddy Bear.

Barbara Rush (Eva Taylor): Known for Magnificent Obsession, The Young Philadelphians and her long-running role on 7th Heaven. Remembered for science fiction and suspense films such as It Came from Outer Space.

Fritz Weaver (Paris Inspector Hugues Panassié): A distinguished stage and screen actor strongly associated with high-profile genre television. Known for standout roles in psychological thrillers and science-fiction/horror classics like Creepshow, Demon Seed and episodes of The Twilight Zone.

Karen Hensel (Marie): A steady television character actress with a long career of guest roles across soap operas, crime dramas and procedural series, including the movies Psycho 3 and Caged Fear.

Michel Voletti (Officer Luter): Appears frequently in European film and television productions, often in supporting roles as law enforcement or authority figures.

Bonnie Ebsen (Yvette): Daughter of Buddy Ebsen; she appeared in several 80s hits like The Fall Guy and Hunter. She’s also in Black Magic Woman, which stars Apollonia and Mark Hamill.

Louise Dorsey (Dede): She’s the daughter of legendary crooner Engelbert Humperdinck and was the voice of Jetta on Jem.

Jean-Paul Vignon (Emcee): A character actor frequently cast in sophisticated or stylized supporting roles, often in European-influenced productions and genre-adjacent television.

Jules Hart (Margo): Appearing under the name Julie Silliman, she’s most often associated with television guest roles and supporting appearances in dramatic and thriller-oriented episodes.

Smaller roles include Alain Saint-Alix as a bellman, Louis Plante as Albert (as Louis R. Plante), Larry Carr, Paul LeClair and Ken Clayton as fashion show spectators, Conrad Hurtt as a cop and Nico Stevens as a reporter.

What happens?

Jessica does what she does best: flies to France, walks into an absolutely glitter-soaked mess and immediately becomes the only competent investigator in a 10-mile radius of haute couture after someone dies.

Her old friend Eva Taylor is on the verge of a career breakthrough, finally ready to shine at a major fashion show, if only she hadn’t signed her soul away in a contract with Maxim Soury, a man who treats financial backing like organized extortion but with better tailoring. He offers her funding and a loan extension in exchange for 50% of her brand, which is not a good deal, but she has to accept it.

Meanwhile, the supporting cast is busy turning Paris into a soap opera:

  • Valerie Bechet, nightclub chanteuse and Maxim’s discarded mistress, is singing heartbreak ballads professionally while living one bad mood away from homicide. 
  • Lu Watters, inexplicably broke fashion superstar, is bleeding money thanks to Maxim’s blackmail operation involving some very inconvenient photographs from her past. 
  • Officer Panassie is busy being confidently wrong about literally everything, including why Jessica wants to be anywhere near him.

Then Maxim turns up dead.

Naturally, the glitter immediately curdles into suspicion; everyone has a motive, and Eva is one bad headline away from becoming the designated scapegoat. J.B., meanwhile, is forced to untangle a web of blackmail, jealousy, and fashion-industry moral rot while politely tolerating French bureaucracy and men who think she’s there for romance instead of forensic reasoning.

Who did it?

The killer turns out to be Valerie Bechet.

Maxim’s habit of discarding women like seasonal collections finally catches up to him when he pushes things too far, this time involving Valerie’s daughter, Kim. The realization that Maxim has set his sights on the next generation is the final straw. Valerie, already simmering with resentment over being tossed aside and replaced, decides the show must go on permanently without its producer.

One dramatic confrontation later, Maxim is dead, Valerie’s nightclub act takes on a whole new level of tragic irony, and Jessica is left doing what she always does: solving a murder while everyone else processes the emotional wreckage of dating financially predatory villains in couture.

Eva is cleared, the fashion show limps forward in scandalous glory, and France once again learns the hard way that if Jessica Fletcher shows up, someone in your social circle is statistically going to go to Heaven. Or Hell. Or whatever.

Who made it?

This was directed by TV veteran Nick Havinga and written by Donald Ross, the man who wrote Hamburger: The Motion Picture.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

Dudes in France love some le belle-âge J.B. But as far as we know, no hanky panky.

Was it any good?

Yes!

Any trivia?

While the episode is busy serving murder, fashion and scandal, it’s also quietly swinging with some deep-cut jazz references:

  • Valerie and Kim Bechet tip their hats to Sidney Bechet, the legendary New Orleans clarinetist and soprano sax player who brought his sound to Europe as early as 1919—and later spent much of his final decade living it up in France. 
  • Inspector Hugues Panassié is named after Hugues Panassié, a major French jazz critic and author who championed traditional jazz and wrote books such as The Real Jazz. 
  • Officer Luter is a nod to Claude Luter, the Parisian bandleader who frequently collaborated with Bechet during his French years. 
  • Eva Taylor shares her name with Eva Taylor, a 1920s vocalist who recorded extensively with her husband, bandleader and songwriter Clarence Williams. 
  • And then there’s Lu Watters—borrowed from Lu Watters, a (male) trumpeter who helped spark a New Orleans-style revival scene in San Francisco back in 1940.

In the unmistakably Paris-set exterior shots, it’s not actually Angela Lansbury you’re seeing up close. A stand-in of similar build steps in, dressed identically but with slightly darker hair, cut shorter in the back. The camera then goes into full “don’t look too closely” mode, keeping her at a distance, filming from behind, or, conveniently, staging cars in the foreground. When she arrives at Le Jules Verne, the illusion gets especially cheeky: just as she turns toward the camera, another character’s hat swoops in to block her face.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Paris Inspector Hugues Panassié: The color is immaterial. Place her in custody. Panassie has done it again, huh?

Jessica Fletcher: Yes, Inspector, I think you have.

Paris Inspector Hugues Panassié: Merci, madam.

Jessica Fletcher: I think you’ve once again arrested the wrong woman.

What’s next?

When a prisoner is released from jail after serving 20 years, he returns to Cabot Cove to prove he was wrongly convicted. Swamp Thing is in this episode!

Murder, She Wrote S3 E22: Murder, She Spoke (1987)

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A temporary blackout at a recording studio leaves Jessica in the dark when the wealthy, soon-to-be-owner is stabbed to death.

Season 3, Episode 22: Murder, She Spoke (May 10, 1987)

Jessica has been booked in a studio to record her mystery books as part of a series for the blind. Mid-recording, a blackout hits the studio, and when the lights come back on, someone discovers Randy Whitman, the owner-to-be, dying of a stab wound to the back.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

William Atherton (Greg Dalton): The undisputed king of the “guy you love to hate.” Before he was getting his house covered in marshmallows in Ghostbusters, he was starring in the 1974 cult classic The Sugarland Express. Seriously, his IMDb is filled with roles that should just say “jerk.”

G.W. Bailey (Lt. Oswald Faraday): Long before he was the bumbling Captain Harris in Police Academy, Bailey was dodging the undead in Tom McLoughlin’s moody 1982 cult horror One Dark Night.

Michael Callan (Carl Anglin): A veteran of the screen who took a dip into the “Nature Gone Wild” subgenre with the 1977 giant-cat-on-the-loose flick The Uncanny, and appeared in the giallo-influenced TV thriller The Killer on Board.

Michael Cole (Earl Tuchman): Best known as Pete from The Mod Squad, but he earned his horror stripes playing the adult Henry Bowers in the original 1990 miniseries adaptation of Stephen King’s It.

Charlie Daniels (Stoney Carmichael): The man who told us the Devil went down to Georgia. While primarily a country legend, his presence here adds that grit necessary for a Southern-fried thriller.

Jonna Lee (Sally Ann Carmichael): A 1980s mainstay who faced off against a supernatural force in the 1984 film Making the Grade.

Fredric Lehne (Al Parker): You recognize him as the “Yellow-Eyed Demon” (Azazel) from Supernatural. He’s a genre veteran who also appeared in Night Game, a slasher set at a baseball stadium.

Wendy Phillips (Nancy Dalton): She survived the 1988 TV movie The People Across the Lake, which is a textbook “suburban nightmare” thriller.

Constance Towers (Margaret Witworth): A genuine icon of cult cinema. She starred in Samuel Fuller’s insane 1963 masterpiece Shock Corridor and the 1964 neo-noir The Naked Kiss. If you haven’t seen them, fix your life.

Patrick Wayne (Randy Witworth): The son of The Duke himself. He led the charge against Ray Harryhausen monsters in the 1977 fantasy-adventure cult classic Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger.

Mark Neely (Sergeant): A familiar face from The Young and the Restless, Neely also did time in the 1981 slasher Graduation Day.

Trish Garland (Secretary): Mostly known for her stage work, but she popped up in the psychological thriller The 4th Floor.

Austin Kelly (Cabbie): A reliable character actor who appeared in the gritty 1970s crime-cult classic Across 110th Street.

What happens?

If you thought the most dangerous thing in a recording studio was a high-pitched feedback loop or a diva’s rider, you clearly haven’t spent enough time in Cabot Cove’s extended universe.

In this week’s episode, our favorite mystery writer is recording her books for the blind. Naturally, because Jessica can’t even go to the grocery store without someone checking out permanently, a blackout hits the studio. When the lights flicker back on, Randy Whitman—the studio’s owner-to-be and a man with all the charm of a paper cut—is found with a knife in his back.

Enter Lt. Faraday, played by G.W. Bailey, who has apparently decided that since he can’t stop Mahoney and Tackleberry, he’ll spend his time being a condescending misogynist to a world-famous novelist. Faraday immediately pivots his detective skills toward Greg Dalton, the blind producer.

Why Greg? Because Faraday’s logic is airtight: Greg can move in the dark, he was near the switch, and he’s the suspicious type. Meanwhile, Jessica finds a bottle of expensive purple nail polish at the scene. That leads her to:

  • Suspect A: Cindy, the runaway niece of country star Stoney Carmichael, wears purple polish, but it’s the cheap stuff.
  • Suspect B: The victim’s widow, who seems about as sad as someone who just won the lottery, wears the expensive brand.
  • The Reality: The nail polish is a Total Red Herring. It has absolutely nothing to do with the murder, but it gives Jessica something to do while Faraday is busy being useless.

Things get messy when Jessica catches Nancy Dalton (Greg’s wife) trying to hide a set of matching silverware in the dryer. Pro tip: if your husband is a murder suspect, don’t try to tumble-dry the evidence. Jessica has to gently remind her that “Obstruction of Justice” isn’t a great look for the fall season.

The lightbulb — literally, see the trivia — finally goes off for J.B. when Faraday calls her and mistakes her recorded voice for her actual voice. Suddenly, the blackout rehearsals and the constant technical difficulties during Stoney’s recording sessions make sense.

Who did it?

Al Parker. He flipped a master switch on his keyboard to cause the blackouts, using them as dress rehearsals to frame Greg (who was conveniently distracted by his meds at the time).

How did Al pull off the ultimate alibi? The old Recorded Audio Trick. He made it look like Randy was calling him on the phone, but Al was actually just listening to a recording of Randy’s voice. This kept Randy pinned in one spot for the stabbing while making Al look like he was elsewhere, chatting away with the soon-to-be corpse.

Al tries to play it cool, claiming the evidence is circumstantial, which is a classic move for a guy who just got outsmarted by a woman in a smart blazer. It isn’t until Faraday finds the actual alibi tape (thanks to a heavy nudge from Jessica) that Al finally folds.

Faraday ends the episode by graciously admitting he’ll never undervalue female intuition again. Jessica likely responded with a polite smile, while internally calculating exactly how many ways she could have disposed of his body without leaving a trace.

Be nice to Jessica Fletcher. She has a very intimate relationship with death.

Who made it?

This was directed by Jessica’s real-life son, Anthony Pullen Shaw and written by Si Rose, who created Sigmund and the Sea Monster and Dr. Shrinker.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. I’m wondering if I’ll ever see that again. Maybe in season 4? This is the last episode of season 3.

Was it any good?

Yes!

Any trivia?

The moment that Jessica figures out who the murderer is, a light bulb comes on above her head.

Screenshot

Give me a reasonable quote:

Lt. Faraday: Oh, I think writing is a real good hobby for a woman. You can cook up some supper. You can chat on the phone. And then pop over to the old typewriter now and then for a few minutes.

Jessica Fletcher: Yes. When I’m not too busy beating laundry against the rocks in the river.

What’s next?

The first episode of season 4! Jessica jaunts to Paris at the behest of an old friend whose fashion boutique is in financial trouble. When a local loan shark is murdered, she must dig deep to find the truth.

Tales from the Darkside S2 E19: The Last Car (1987)

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This episode is a surrealist take on the Ghost Train story, serving as an allegory for death and the afterlife.

Stacey (Begonya Plaza), a college student traveling home for Thanksgiving, finds herself alone in a desolate train station. The atmosphere is immediately off as the station feels abandoned, and an exit sign falls from the wall without provocation. When her train arrives, she boards the very last car, the caboose.

Inside, she meets three eccentric passengers. Mrs. Crane (Mary Carver) is a grandmotherly figure who knits incessantly and speaks in soothing, rhythmic metaphors. The Old Man (Louis Guss) is a silent, suited passenger focused on his lunch box. And finally, Joe (Scooter Stevens) is a young boy dressed in a cowboy outfit who appears restless.

Mrs. Crane welcomes Stacey, explaining that the last car sways like a cradle. Stacey attempts to relax, but the logic of the world begins to fray. She notices her watch has stopped, and when the train enters its first tunnel, the lights flicker to the sound of a haunting, maniacal laugh. For a fleeting second, Stacey sees her own reflection closing the window shades independently of her movements.

As the journey continues, Stacey realizes she is trapped. The door to the next car is locked, appearing and disappearing, with signs forbidding passage while the train is in motion. Time becomes elastic; Joe inexplicably changes costumes, from a cowboy to an infantry soldier, and the passengers seem to know Stacey’s name despite never being introduced.

The horror escalates during the second tunnel sequence. Joe begins shooting his toy gun, but the play turns lethal. The Old Man is riddled with actual bullet holes and slumps over, dead. Stacey screams in terror, but as soon as the train exits the tunnel, the Old Man sits up, perfectly intact, and begins eating a sandwich as if nothing happened. Mrs. Crane simply smiles and tells a shell-shocked Stacey, “You get used to the tunnels… eventually.”

The appearance of the Conductor (Bert Williams) brings no relief. When Stacey demands to be let off or taken to the dining car, she is met with bureaucratic indifference. She offers her round-trip ticket, but the Conductor clips it and returns a one-way ticket, claiming it is the only kind he has.

Stacey’s desperation peaks when she looks through the door’s window as the Conductor leaves. For a split second, the polished interior of the train vanishes, replaced by a rotting, skeletal wreckage. The passengers are revealed as decayed corpses, and the Conductor is a grinning skeleton. However, as the train emerges into the light, the illusion of normalcy returns.

Mrs. Crane reveals the true nature of their journey: the Conductor won’t return until there is a new passenger to collect. Stacey is no longer a traveler; she is now a permanent fixture of the last car. Mrs. Crane drapes a handmade shawl around Stacey’s shoulders—the very one she had been knitting since Stacey boarded—and offers to teach her how to knit. This is the acceptance of death.

The episode concludes with the train entering another tunnel. This time, Stacey doesn’t scream. Instead, she joins the others in a rhythmic, catatonic chant: “Tunnel… Tunnel… Tunnel.” As the darkness engulfs the car, Stacey’s face withers into a pale, skeletal mask. She has finally gotten used to the tunnels, becoming just another ghost on a train that never reaches its destination.

This episode was directed by John Strysik, who directed five other episodes of this series. It was written by Michael McDowell, who wrote the script for Beetlejuice. This is one of the strongest episodes of the show.

Murder, She Wrote S3 E21: The Days Dwindle Down (1987)

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Jessica investigates the possibility that a man spent 30 years in prison for a murder he did not commit.

Season 3, Episode 21: The Days Dwindle Down (April 19, 1987)

An elderly waitress begs for J.B.’s help in solving a decades-old murder.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Richard Beymer (Sydney Jarvis): Best known as Tony in the original West Side Story, cult cinema fans adore him as Ben Horne in Twin Peaks. Here, he plays the man on trial for his life, providing the episode’s central tension.

June Havoc (Thelma Vantay): A true vaudeville legend (and the real-life sister of Gypsy Rose Lee), she brings old-school theatrical gravity to the role of the domineering mother-in-law.

Harry Morgan (Retired Lt. Richard Webb): Before he was Colonel Potter on M’A’S’H, he was Jack Webb’s partner on Dragnet. In a fun meta twist, he plays a retired detective whom Jessica hires to help her dig into the case.

Susan Strasberg (Dorothy Hearn Davis): The daughter of legendary acting coach Lee Strasberg, Susan was a “Method” darling who appeared in everything from Picnic to the psychedelic cult classic The Trip. She plays the tragic wife whose death sets the plot in motion.

Gloria Stuart (Edna Jarvis): Decades before she became a household name (and Oscar nominee) as “Old Rose” in James Cameron’s Titanic, Stuart was a 1930s starlet. She appears here in the present day, while Katherine Emery appears in uncredited archive footage as a younger version of her.

Art Hindle (Rod Wilson): A Canadian legend! If you love 70s/80s horror, you know him from David Cronenberg’s The Brood and the 1978 Invasion of the Body Snatchers. He plays the Wilson family’s son.

Martha Scott (Georgia Wilson): An Academy Award nominee for Our Town, she’s perhaps most famous for playing Charlton Heston’s mother in both The Ten Commandments and Ben-Hur. She plays the Wilson matriarch.

Jeffrey Lynn (Sam Wilson): A former leading man from the 1940s (Four Daughters), he returned to the screen for this role after a period of semi-retirement.

Debbie Zipp (Terry Wilson): A Murder, She Wrote regular. She appeared in several episodes playing different characters, most notably as the wife of Jessica’s nephew, Grady Fletcher.

Tom Dreesen (Peabody): A legendary stand-up comedian who famously toured with Frank Sinatra for years. He steps into a character role here.

Emory Bass (Manager): A character actor staple who you might recognize from 1776 or his numerous appearances on The Love Boat.

Russ Marin (Lt. Sharp): A “that guy” actor seen in everything from The Rockford Files to Buck Rogers in the 25th Century.

Mark Pilon (Male Secretary): A prolific voice actor and performer who appeared in various 80s staples like Knots Landing.

Walter Smith (Restaurant Patron): One of the unsung heroes of Hollywood—a professional background actor who appeared in hundreds of episodes of television, including over 40 episodes of Murder, She Wrote alone!

What happens?

Jessica is living the high life in a luxury hotel suite—probably on the dime of her publisher or some poor sap who didn’t realize inviting J.B. Fletcher to your city is a death warrant for at least one local socialite.

While she’s being pampered, she’s approached by Georgia Wilson. Georgia’s husband, Sam, just got out of the slammer after serving thirty years. He was sent up for the rub-out of his boss, Richard Jarvis. Sam’s story? He was framed. He claims Jarvis’s firm went bust, and the guy offered Sam his last ten grand to make his suicide look like an armed robbery so the insurance company would cough up a fortune for the Jarvis family. Only problem? Someone actually did kill him before the plan went south.

Sam and Georgia’s son, Rod, became a cop specifically to clear his old man’s name. He puts his badge and his expertise at Jessica’s disposal. Along with a retired Lt. Webb, they start digging into 30-year-old forensic evidence.

Naturally, someone isn’t happy about this walk down memory lane. After someone takes a literal shot at Jessica with a matching bullet, J.B. realizes the past isn’t dead.

Who did it?

The victim died by accident. His wife arrived home, caught him mid-attempt and tried to snatch the heater out of his hand because she actually loved the guy. Bang! The gun goes off in the struggle. The big giveaway for J.B. Webb? The fingerprints on the barrel proved it was a wrestling match, not a solo act.

Who made it?

This was directed by Michael J. Lynch and written by Philip Gerson.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. I’m wondering if I’ll ever see that.

Was it any good?

Yes, as always.

Any trivia?

The flashbacks are taken from the film Strange Bargain. Jeffrey Lynn, Martha Scott and Harry Morgan reprise their roles from the movie. In the movie, Lt. Webb identifies the murderer, and Sam is saved from prison.

Richard Beymer, who played Sydney Jarvis, was actually 14 years younger than Raymond Roe, who played the same character in Strange Behavior. By this point, he’d retired and was a Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Deputy.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Retired Lt. Richard Webb: I figured she was playin’ bedsheet bingo with the boss.

What’s next?

A temporary blackout at a recording studio leaves Jessica in the dark when the wealthy, soon-to-be-owner is stabbed to death.

VISUAL VENGEANCE BLU-RAY RELEASE: Born A Ninja/ Commando The Ninja (1987, 1983)

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This shot-on-video martial-arts double feature from Joseph Lai and IFD Films unleashes pure 1980s ninja chaos as two unlikely heroes are dragged into a war over stolen germ-warfare secrets. Featuring disappearing ninja assassins, endless waves of thugs, criminal masterminds, insane effects and the mysterious hocus pocus magic fighting style. These are both full-tilt SOV insanity, delivering cult ninja action at maximum volume.

Also: I love that Godfrey Ho movies have songs in them from bands like Clan of Mymox, Jean Michel Jarre, Wendy Carlos, Joy Division and more.

Born a Ninja (some year between 1978 and 1987): Ninjas. “Life means nothing to them,” says Mister Tanaka, a man who shows up in this wearing an outfit like my dad in the mid-80s, a striped red polo and short shorts.

If you ask IFD what this Joe Law-directed and written movie is about, they’d say, “A Japanese scientist tries to conceal a deadly formula, but an undead ace and his ninja devils are determined to use it to cause mischief and mayhem. It is up to Lung, a master of the lost art of Hocus Pocus, to keep evil at bay and prevent mass destruction on a global scale.”

Sure, maybe.

IMDB lists the director as Chi Lo, who used the name Joe Law to make Crippled Masters and Lo Ke to direct Deadly Hands of Kung Fu.  Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

This flick is a Frankenstein of footage. It combines a Taiwanese TV show, another movie, actually called Born a Ninja, and the kind of dialogue that only occurs when a 1980s script is translated from Cantonese to English by someone who primarily speaks “American Action Movie Trailer.” It could also be Silent Killers. It could be Ninja Destroyer. It could be titled Breakfast with a Shuriken, and it would still be impossible to tell you what actually happened.

Let me try.

Mister Tanaka has a secret formula from World War II that could destroy the world. That much is true. Two women want the formula: Becky, who wears a yellow vest and Confederate-flag shorts. Still, I think that means she’s into late 70s and early 80s redneck trends in America a little too late as they move across the globe and this isn’t racist like my neighbor who wears short shorts and threw away all his kids toys after his wife left with the kids and also has a huge Southern Cross up on his garage wall despite being an Italian man in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Also, his fiancée’s last name is Gambino. She backed right into our car, and he came over in just a G-string to see if we were OK.

Did I go on a tangent?

Becky is joined by Brenda. She loves denim so much she’s rocking the full Canadian tuxedo while doing high kicks. They’re joined by Larry, a master of the hocus pocus style. This involves your everyday kung fu, supplemented by the ability to shoot fire from your fingertips. It’s the kind of martial arts I used to try in my backyard until my mom threatened to take away my bang snaps.

As for the bad guy ninja, that’s Meng Fei, who was also in the Ninja Death trilogy, Night Orchid, Everlasting Chivalry, The Sun Moon Legend and Middle Kingdom’s Mark of Blood. He’s pretty amazing in the last fight scene.

Anyways, Mister Tanaka keeps dreaming of dead people that were killed by this secret back in the war, and the secret is a mirrored mustache that you put on a devil mask. Then there’s a white ninja named David. He battles Larry in the woods—because all ninja battles must occur in a public park with visible power lines—before they decide to be best friends. They get a room, drink beer, and eat fried cabbage. Honestly? That’s the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen in an IFD production.

Or maybe that was the last movie? Have years of drinking, substances, and Godfrey Ho movies dulled my reason, and when confronted by this synth-scored shot on video, my mind just wanders between different martial worlds, unsure of all the things I’ve seen, all the ninja deaths I’ve felt as if they were my own? In truth, the only important thing is that ninjas can become straw men and that you can swallow a sword in the middle of a fight and live.

Music in this one includes Jerry Fielding’s soundtrack for The Gauntlet, the Ken Thorne score for The Protector and Roy Budd’s “Fb M15.” Check out the Letterboxd list of IFC music cues here, I’ve commented several times on it.

I do know one thing. When David sees Larry hanging out with the two ladies, he says, “Two chicks? You one animal!” That’s exactly how I felt watching this movie. I was an animal. A confused, beautiful, ninja-obsessed animal.

Commando the Ninja (1983): Also known as American Commando Ninja, IFD claims it was made by Joe Law. Really, who can tell you the truth? Who even knows how many titles this has, how much music it stole or what it’s about? Hocus pocus, as the sensei says at the beginning. It doesn’t have to make sense. Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

Jow Law is also Law Chi AKA Chi Lo, the director of The Crippled Masters, Deadly Hands of Kung Fu (using the name Lo Ke), Girl with Cat’s Eyes and Magic Swords.

This poster has nothing to do with the movie you’re about to watch. Who cares? You’re here, one assumes, for ninjas. Or commandos. Or Commando the Ninja.

In the world of 80s Hong Kong chop-socky cinema, truth is a relative term. Who knows how many titles this has? Who knows how many synth-pop tracks were borrowed from Tangerine Dream? Who even knows what’s going on?

IFD also lets us know what this should be about: “David, an up-coming young master of Ninjitsu, is recruited by his Master to steal the formula for a bacteriological weapon and to free the Japanese scientist who is responsible for developing it. He is pitted against two wily opponents: Mark, a KGB operative, and Martin, who are bent on using the formula in a bid for world domination. The fate of humanity is in the hands of David and a group of four surprisingly acrobatic young fighters.”

Is it? What is the sound of one hand clapping? If a ninja wears a bright neon headband in a forest of green, is he truly invisible?

Allow this koan to expand your reality.

The student asked, “Master, how can the hero fight the villain when they are never in the same frame together?”

The Master replied, “The sword that strikes in Taiwan draws blood in Hong Kong. The bridge between them is not made of stone, but of a 1984 Scotch tape splice.”

Look, all I know is that only a ninja can kill a ninja.

Extras include SD masters from original tape elements, Commando the Ninja commentary with Justin Decloux and Will Sloane of The Important Cinema Club, Born A Ninja commentary by Justin Decloux of The Important Cinema Club, The Essential Godfrey Ho and The Law Chi Touch video essays, an interview with Kwan Chung, an image gallery, trailers, two mini-posters, a reversible sleeve featuring original VHS art, a “Stick Your Own” VHS sticker set, a limited edition O-Card by Uncle Frank, a booklet with essay by ninja movie expert C.J. Lines and a Blu-ray sleeve featuring art by The Dude.

Holy fuck, this is everything. It’s more effort than went into the original filming of the movie, and I am 100% here for it. If you want to see a man in a red polo shirt talk about the futility of life before a white ninja eats fried cabbage, this is your Holy Grail.

I also have to call out how amazing the menus are on these releases. The arcade inspired one on this release is perfect and something few labels would put that much time and effort into making. Just another reason why you need to buy this.

You can get this from MVD.

Murder, She Wrote S3 E20: The Cemetery Vote (1987)

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The reform mayor dies in a so-called “accident,” and the mayor’s father is murdered after he demands an investigation into it.

Season 3, Episode 20: The Cemetery Vote (April 5, 1987)

Jessica investigates when her nephew, a junior executive for a large accounting firm, is charged with tax fraud and the murder of his boss.

Who’s in it, outside of Angela Lansbury?

Bruce Davison plays David Carroll, and the man is a legend, appearing in Willard, The Lords of Salem, and so many more movies.

Ed Lauter is the law here; Sheriff Orville Yates and no one played the menacing authority figure better. He was the creepy attendant in Cujo, the cop dealing with Bronson in Death Wish 3 and fought off The Car.

Marie Windsor is Kate Gunnerson, and she was in The Day Mars Invaded Earth.

Jeff Yagher plays Deputy Wayne Beeler. He was in V.

Joseph Campanella is George McDaniels.

Charlene Tilton plays Cyndy March and is best known for Dallas.

Mitchell Ryan is Captain Ernest Lenko, and I will always know him for his role in Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers as Dr. Terence Wynn, the man behind the Cult of Thorn.

Ellen Bry plays Linda Stevens, John McLiam is Harry Stevens, Dick Balduzzi plays Gil Stokes, Katherine De Hetre is Rita, Zale Kessler plays the coroner, Neal Penso is a paramedic and Hank Robinson and Ilona Wilson are casino players.

What happens?

Look, we all know J.B. Fletcher has more dear old friends than a politician has skeletons in the closet, like the Angel of Death. This time, she’s trekking out to Comstock, Idaho. It’s another one of those fictional map-dots that seem to exist only so someone can get murdered in it.

Our girl Jess is living her best life in Rome when she rings up Seth Hazlitt and gets the skinny: Linda Stevens (who we assume is a Cabot Cove expat because they once shared a picnic on the beach) is now a widow. Her husband, the Mayor, took a permanent detour in a car crash. Jess does what Jess does. She cuts the pasta tour short and flies into the eye of the storm to comfort the grieving friend. But Linda’s father-in-law, Harry, isn’t buying the accident narrative. He thinks the town’s political machine is running on high-octane foul play.

So he dies too. Turns out, being the only guy in town asking the right questions is a great way to get a one-way ticket to the morgue.

Who did it?

Deputy Mayor David Carroll! Bruce Davison goes from clean-up candidate to clean the blood off the carpet real fast. Carroll was playing both sides of the fence, tipping off an illegal gambling ring about police raids. Why? Because he wanted their political support (read: dirty money and influence) to slide into the Mayor’s chair.

Who made it?

This was directed by Seymour Robbie and written by Robert Van Scoyk.

Does Jessica dress up and act stupid? Does she get some?

No. A serious and non-sexy J.B. Boo.

Was it any good?

It’s decent.

Any trivia?

The sound of the truck that runs Jessica and David off the road was taken from the made-for-TV movie Duel.

Give me a reasonable quote:

Jessica Fletcher: Well, I really have to get home. Amos Tupper may uphold the law, but I can’t trust him to water my plants.

What’s next?

Jessica investigates the possibility that a man spent 30 years in prison for a murder he did not commit. Art Hindle is in this episode!