Tubi picks (week 9)

Welcome to another week of movies to watch on Tubi.  Do you have some that you’d like to share? Get in touch because I’d love to share your picks.

1.  And God Said to Cain: TUBI LINK

Less Western than a straight up Gothic horror film, with Klaus Kinski’s character nearly a ghost, continually followed by gusts of winds and tolling bells as he returns to get his bloody vengeance.

2. Aenigma: TUBI LINK

What if Lucio Fulci made his Carrie and was kind of old and tired, but still willing to do some crazy stuff? What if indeed.

3. Terror at Red Wolf Inn: TUBI LINK

This movie has many names — Terror House, Terror at Red Wolf Inn or Folks at Red Wolf Inn — but it’s a singular film that comes from another world much stranger than the boring one we’re stuck on.

4. Day of the Animals: TUBI LINK

If your day has been bad, let me tell you, this movie has Leslie Nielsen rip his shirt off, goad a bear into a fight and then get obliterated. I think about it all of the time.  A movie filled with humans losing their fucking minds and animals ready to make them bleed for it.

5. They’re Playing with Fire: TUBI LINK

I hate Eric Brown. In the 80s, he got to get naked on screen with both Sybil Danning and Sylvia Kristel. No one deserves that many good things to happen to them. Also: this movie is not based on reality at all.

6. Private Lessons: TUBI LINK

Let’s just have an Eric Brown double feature then. Let’s compound the sadness. Let’s wonder why the 80s made so many problematic movies when in truth, they made movies like this because people wanted to see them.

7. Screamers: TUBI LINK

Underwater creatures killing people, voodoo, Atlantis and Barbara Bach. Need anything else? A person turned inside out? They threw that one in for free.

8. Over the Top: TUBI LINK

Trucks. Bad dads. Loggia. Stallone. Terry Funk. The strap.

9. Heart of Midnight: TUBI LINK

An American giallo that’s not afraid to get real weird in the best of ways. Vestron released some wild stuff and this may be amongst its oddest.

10. Deathsport: TUBI LINK

Sure, it makes no sense, but it’s a motorcycle sword post-apocalyptic movie with Richard Lynch and Claudia Jennings and that’s good enough for me. It should be good enough for you too.

Eye of the Cat (1969)

Written by Joseph Stefano (co-creator of The Outer Limits) and directed by David Lowell Rich (The Horror at 37,000 Feet), this feels like a giallo but it was shot in San Francisco by an American director.

Danielle (Eleanor Parker) is a rich woman who is missing 75% of her lungs which seems like the kind of thing that would kill you, but here we are and she’s getting her hair done. When her hairdresser Kassia (Gayle Hunnicutt, The Legend of Hell House) notices just how bad she is breathing, she calls Danielle’s nephew Wylie (Michael Sarrazin) with a plan to shut off her oxygen and then collect the inheritance, but the catphobic Wylie screws that up and an orange cat pays the price by getting electrocuted.

Danielle is being taken care of by Wylie’s brother Luke, but they’re both in it for the money, which was going to the cats before Luke uses a bowl of meat in a car and drives them off. Well, those cats are coming back and they’re not pleased at the humans who are keeping them from their homes.

By the end of the movie, the Luke, Wylie and Kassia are in a love and murder triangle, all while the cats have grown mad with need after bowls of meat have been hidden throughout the house and that electrocuted orange tabby rises like some ghostly avenger.

I mean, my cat tried to kill me for a piece of fried chicken last week, so I get it.

The TV version of this movie is way less intense, as there’s less ghost cat and his army of deadly mousers and just one cat and paranoia. This remix was made with a few new scenes and some outtakes edited together. It’s fine, but the theatrical ending has more cats going more bonkers than nearly anything I’ve ever seen before to the point that I was in hysterics.

Anacondas: Trail of Blood (2009)

Originally airing on SyFy on February 28, 2009, this movie was somehow topped when that network crossed it over with Lake Placid.

Dr. Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) and Peter Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies) are back from the last movie and the evil elite rich guy has figured out how to inject that baby anaconda from the last movie with blood orchid serum that allows it to continually regrow cells, because if you have created a monster snake, why not make one that can’t be killed because that seems like the kind of plan that often works.

The thing is, Murdoch has bone cancer and he thinks the blood of that snake can heal him, so he sends out a team of tough guys that will most assuredly get killed by snakes to get that blood orchid snake plasma cocktail.

I kind of love that after all this work, Murdoch injects the serum, gets over his cancer and then a snake decapitates him.

How did I watch four of these movies? Why did I watch four of these movies? OCD is weird because you only feel completeness when you tackle challenges and surpass them, but I’m not doing anything good for humanity. I’m in a basement watching snake movies and drinking too much Pepsi. Someone stop me.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Junesploitation 2022 recap

I was excited to take part in the 10th annual Junesploitation, a month-long celebration of exploitation and genre films that’s sponsored by F This Movie!

To see the 2021 recap, click here.

Here are the movies that we watched!

1. Space! The Philadelphia Experiment

2. Westerns! The Price of Power

3. Kung Fu! Zui hou nu

4. ‘90s Action! High Risk

5. Free Space! Curse of the Blue Lights

6. Slashers! Stripped to Kill 2: Live Nude Girls

7. Shannon Tweed! The Surrogate

8. Cars! Cannonball Run II

9. Monsters! Fungicide

10. Sex Comedy! Mr. Galactic

11. Free Space! Pushed to the Limit

12. Prison! Penitentiary II

13. Italian Horror! Ring of Darkness

14. Blaxploitation! JD’s Revenge

15. Bugs! Ticks

16. ‘80s Action! Miami Golem

17. Fulci! Nonostante le apparenze… e purchè la nazione non lo sappia… all’onorevole piacciono le donne

18. Cannon! Sinbad of the Seven Seas

19. Free Space! Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity

20. Regional Horror! Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

21. Jackie Chan! Lung Hing Foo Dai

22. Lethal Ladies! Personal Vendetta

23. Giallo! Death Occurred Last Night

24. ‘90s Comedy! BASEketball

25. Revenge! The Quick and the Dead

26. Free Space! Blood on Méliès’ Moon

27. Albert Pyun! Brainsmasher

28. ‘80s Horror! Rawhead Rex

29. Sword and Sorcery! Hearts and Armour

30. DTV! 555

Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)

Originally airing on July 26, 2008 on SyFy, this movie gives us what we always wanted: David Hasselhoff in a big snake movie.

Shot at the same time as Anacondas: Trail of Blood in Romania, a place where you may say, “Where the fuck are the anacondas?” and “Did they make every sequel in the former Soviet Union?”

Remember that blood orchid? Well, a serum made from it and an anaconda taken from the Amazon River have somehow ended up within crawling distance of the Danube thanks to a project that God himself will smite and destroy the life of rich fool Peter Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies, who was on SyFy like all day every day) and man, his assistant doesn’t even make it to the first commercial.

Now the queen anaconda is loose and Dr. Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) and snake hunter Stephen Hammett (Hasselhoff) must stop the snakes before they eat everyone in Bucharest. The truth is — I mean, do you even care if I keep you from watching this, I mean spoil this for you — is that Hasselhoff is trying to get a baby anaconda that has been given special powers thanks to the experiments Dr. Hayes has done and give it to Murdoch.

If you ever wanted to see a movie where Hasselhoff gets swarmed by baby snakes and blown up, this would be it.

Director Don E. FauntLeRoy worked with Victor Salva on Jeepers Creepers, Jeepers Creepers 2, Rosewood Lane and Dark House, so now I hate that I watched this even more. He was also the director of photography on Munchie and The Skateboard Kid, which may or may not be worse than the above issue.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Junesploitation: 555 (1988)

June 30: Junesploitation’s topic of the day — as suggested by F This Movie— is DTV! We’re excited to tackle a different genre every day, so check back and see what’s next.

King Video Distributor is just Wally and Roy Koz, who shot this movie on video and got Wally’s wife Linda to make it with them. She was the first assistant director and associate producer, so one imagines that she had plenty of notes for the scene where the Lake Front Butcher slices a woman and then has some post-death carnal knowledge of the corpse. Most movies would use this as a grand finale, while 555 puts it up front.

The killer has a pattern in that he kills five couples in five nights every five years, living up to the film’s name. The killer also doesn’t need a hockey mask or fancy burned up face. He’s just a dude in a Hawaiian shirt.

Actually, they’re called aloha shirts and first made at the Honolulu-based dry goods store Musa-Shiya the Shirtmaker which was owned by Koichiro Miyamoto. Originally these shirts — made out of Japanese prints — were the symbols of rich status as only those with millions could afford the trip to islands. After World War II and soldiers being stationed there, they became less for the prosperous and also became more floral based as anything Japanese was out of favor during and after the war.

This is a movie that has no idea that in our time it will be looked at as problematic. No, it has no idea what that word will come to mean. The Koz brothers felt like slashers had started to suck and that they could do a better job. So they made this, a movie that is so proud of its best effect that it ruins it on the box cover.

It’s a film that dares name its reporter heroine Susan Rather and has her talk about how no man can turn down her vagina, which that hard boiled cop certainly can’t, and they lie in bed talking dirty and seem like they support each other which is nice because I’m old now and I like to see older couples that still like to be around each other and have a healthy sex life. I’ve seen some reviews where they’re like, “She’s too old to get nude” and I have to say you’ll be fifty someday, my dude.

How romantic is it that when you see the first kill, there’s graffiti that says WK + LK and that’s for the director and his wife.

Shot in Blood-Vivid Video for Your Viewing Pleasure! With a tagline like that and the knowledge that the blood is neon colored, well — this is assuredly going to either upset you or make you all meat sweaty.

Also, Wally Koz was a gold prospector when he wasn’t making this movie.

 

Shakma (1990)

Shakma was played by a baboon named Typhoon and I should really just end this article here because I can’t top that.

Christopher Atkins has left The Blue Lagoon behind and now has a pet baboon named, well, Shakma. For some reason, he trusts his college professor Sorensen (Roddy McDowall) enough to inject his pet with some hormones to limit its aggression. This goes horribly wrong and Shakma goes, well, ape shit. I know, I know, baboon shit. Sorensen then tells Atkins’ character that he will euthanize Shakma.

So after all that, after a man killed his baboon, Atkins’ character Sam, his sister Kim (Ari Meyers) and his friends Gary, Bradley, Richard and Tracy (Amanda Wyss) all LARP with Sorensen in his real life roleplaying game and wait, this guy just — let me highlight this — killed the hero’s pet who is just a few steps down evolutionary-wise from being human.

These morons then trust a man way too old to be playing games with them to take out the fire alarms and lock them in the same building where a not-so-dead — and even more red ass enraged — Shakma just wants murder.

A movie filled with some of the absolutely most brainless characters ever, Shakma wipes out everyone. You’ll yell stuff like “Shakma is an animal, how can it cut the power?” and watch this with the knowledge that they made the baboon legit mental by continually saying its name, like some weird pro wrestling heat, and Amanda Wyss was quite rightly afraid of even being close to the belligerent baboon.

I can’t even oversell the main fact of this movie: every human in it is the dumbest human you will ever see. God bless Shakma for having the sense to take them down.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)

Dwight Little also made Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, Marked for Death, Rapid Fire and of course Free Willy 2: The Adventure Home. This time, the researchers are looking for Perrinnia Immortalis (Blood Orchid), a flower that could very well be the Fountain of Youth. And he had less of a budget and therefore less of a cast. Probably the one you’ll know is Morris Chestnut.

Hans Bauer wrote the original as well as another reptile gone wild movie, Komodo. He was joined on the scripting for this film by the team of Jim Cash and Jack Epps Jr. (who wrote Top Gun, The Flintstones in Viva Rock VegasLegal EaglesTurner & HoochThe Secret of My Success and Dick Tracy together). Yes, the same team as the original Anaconda.

Can flowers make snakes live forever? Do they really burn like that? Have I watched way too many movies? So many questions.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Snakes On a Plane (2006)

Back when people thought the internet was a positive thing, this movie had such an online buzz that New Line Cinema used web feedback for five days of reshooting, most of which was spent feeding lines with the f word in them to Samuel Jackson.

It was also the first movie where Hollywood learned that memes and online chatter do not equal box office and then like people getting that Men In Black light to the eyes, they forgot and did it again. And then again. And then some more.

After seeing a gang slaying, there’s no way Sean Jones (Nathan Phillips) is making it to Los Angeles alive. I mean, the guy he’s narcin on, Eddie Kim (Byron Lawson), just set a whole bunch of pheromone-sprayed venomous snakes loose on a plane and then marked everyone with a Hawaii lei to be killed.

FBI agents Neville Flynn and John Sanders (Jackson and Mark Houghton) are going to try and protected everyone on the plane, from flight attendant Claire Miller (Julianna Margulies)  and rapper Clarence “Three Gs” Dewey to Mercedes Harbont (Rachel Blanchard), her dog Mary-Kate, senior light attendant Grace (Lin Shaye) and, well, everybody on this plane once those snakes come on our and start biting faces.

David Dalessandro is a University of Pittsburgh associate vice chancellor of university development who found the time to write this script back in 1992 based on an article he read about Indonesian brown tree snakes climbing into planes during World War II.

Originally, this was going to be directed by Ronny Yu before David R. Ellis (Final Destination 2Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco) took over.

Even though the movie has 450 snakes coming from 30 different species of snakes in the cast, the majority of the ones in principal moments are either animatronic or CGI. That’s because real snakes don’t move around that much and aren’t that fast.

The best part? If you watch this on basic cable, Samuel Jackson yells, “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane!” And here you thought it would be the on-the-nose use of Cobra Starship for this movie’s theme.

You can watch this on Tubi.

The Pool (2018)

Day (Theeradej Wongpuapan) wakes up in a gigantic empty swimming pool with a crocodile eating his leg. Some movies would take their time to get here. The Pool just does it.

He’d been working as a photographer just hours ago, but his low sugar causes him to fall asleep, then wake up as the pool is drained. It’s too low to escape and even though he warns his girlfriend Koi, she dives in and hits her head. And then, you know, the gator shows up.

Does anyone need to use this pool? I mean, it’s days that go by, seemingly, as hunger, heat and an egg-laying crocodile make these two crazy clumsy Thai kids lives hell.

Directed and written by Ping Lumpraploeng, this movie remembers the main rule of crocodile or alligator movies: put a small dog in danger. It also has cornball CGI, goofball protagonists and made me happy that I have an above ground pool.

You can watch this on Shudder.