Tag Archives: 1982

USA UP ALL NIGHT: Pandemonium (1982)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Pandemonium was on USA Up All Night on January 14 and April 30, 1989; March 2 and September 28 and 29, 1990; March 22 and April 7, 1991.

There was a time, let’s call it 1983, when we couldn’t just sit down and instantly find any single movie from anywhere in the world and at any point in time. You might think that that would have been a dreary existence, but it was actually kind of awesome. You were at the mercy of the HBO Guide, whatever was on TV that day and whatever new releases were in your video store. Now, it’s all very robotic.

Pandemonium is exactly one of those movies, a film that would just show up on HBO to my delight and one that I’d often stare at on the video shelves. Did it belong in horror? Did it belong in comedy? What kind of maniacs would make this?

Alfred Sole, that’s who. It’s the last movie he’d direct. If anyone knew what slashers were — and had the timing to make fun of their conventions — the director of Alice, Sweet Alice was more than up to the task.

Welcome to It Had To Be, Indiana. It’s a place where football is king, and Blue Grange (Tab Hunter!) wins the 1963 National Championship before he goes on to professional glory. As the game ends, Bambi the cheerleader (Candy Azzara, who played Rodney’s wife in Easy Money and was almost Carol — she was in the second failed pilot — on All In the Family) tries to win his heart before the rest of the cheerleaders kick her out. Seconds later, they’re all skewered together by a javelin.

Almost two decades pass, and the cheerleading camp remains closed due to this tragedy, but Bambi comes back to town to start it back up. I just love how the words EXPOSITION and STILL MORE EXPOSITION flash on the screen while she explains her backstory to Pepe (David Landers, who was Squiggy on Laverne and Shirley) and his mother, Salt.

As each student arrives at the school, they’re labeled VICTIM #1, #2, #3, and so on. The first is Candy (Carol Kane!), who is basically Carrie as she gets into a fight with her mother about dirty pillows at the bus station.

Then there’s VICTIM #2: Glenn Dandy (Judge Reinhold), who comes from a strange family made up of Kaye Ballard (who was in Spike Jonze’s traveling group of musicians and would use her catchphrase “Good luck with your MOUTH!” on shows like The Patty Duke Show and The Perry Como Show) and Donald O’Connor from Singin’ In the Rain. And VICTIM #3: Mandy, whose dad (James MacKrell, who played Lew Landers in both Gremlins and The Howling) introduces her as if he were Bert Parks (look for Victoria Carroll from Nightmare In Wax as her mom).

VICTIM #4 is Sandy (Debralee Scott, Cathy Shumway from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, a show that probably will elicit blank stares from, well, anyone), who gets a ride from Ronald Reagan. And then there’s Andy and Randy, VICTIMS #4 and #5, played by Mile Chapin (Richie from The Funhouse) and Marc McClure (Jimmy Olson himself!).

“Candy, Mandy, Sandy, Andy and Randy,” they all shout.

“And me, Glen.” Everyone stares at Glen.

“Glen Dandy!” This line makes me laugh like a maniac. Look, I was 11 when I first saw this.

After meeting all of these folks, we get to know Sgt. Reginald Cooper (Tommy Smothers), a Mountie who is in the U.S. for some reason. He’s on the trail of a convict named Jarrett (Richard Romans, who provided voices for Heavy Metal), who killed his family with a drill and turned them into bookshelves. Perhaps he can meet up with The Breather from Student Bodies, and they can discuss bookends. Anyways, he’s escaped and Warden June (Eve Arden, Our Miss Brooks and Principal McGee from Grease) has no idea where he’s gone.

This is where I should mention that Johnson, Cooper’s assistant, is played by Paul Reubens in an almost proto-Pee-Wee Herman mode. In fact, much of the cast are Groundlings, so you get appearances by a young Phil Hartman and John Paragon as a prisoner.

The movie turns into a slasher as the killer makes his way to campus, and Cooper falls in love with Candy. Glenn gets blown up on a trampoline. Mandy is trying to brush her teeth for hours when she gets drilled.

But it’s not Jarrett or another killer named Fletcher or even Dr. Fuller from the mental hospital that’s behind it all. The real killer is still at large, with Bambi getting drowned in a tub full of milk and cookies. Randy, Andy and Sandy are killed after a game of strip poker. And now the killer is after Candy, revealing that he’s…

Well, don’t you want to watch this for yourself?

Other notables that show up are Alix Elias (Coach Steroid from Rock ‘n Roll High School), Pat Ast (Edna from Reform School Girls), Don McLeod (T.C. Quist from The Howling), Edie McClurg (who was in, well, any role that needed a funny redhead mom in the 1980’s) and former pro wrestler Lenny Montana (who was most famously Luca Brasi in The Godfather).

Will you like it? Well, I know some people who love Full Moon High and Wacko, while I dislike those films. And I’ve read plenty of folks online who have negatively compared this film to those. But this is just so much better, in my eyes. Sole has a great eye for a gag and some innovative camera movements. And despite the racism of the Japanese Airlines scene, having Godzilla as a stewardess who uses atomic breath to warm up coffee is still hilarious to me.

USA UP ALL NIGHT: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The Sword and the Sorcerer was on USA Up All Night on April 29, 1994 and May 9, 1997.

King Cromwell (Richard Lynch, Bad Dreams, God Told Me To) has come the whole way to Tomb Island to find Xusia (Richard Moll, contractually obligated to be in all 1980’s sword and sorcery movies, although a bad reaction to the contacts needed for his makeup caused Moll to only physically appear in the opening scene), a dead sorcerer who holds the key to defeating King Richard.

But Cromwell realizes that Xusia will turn against him, so he stabs the demonic magician and chases him off a cliff. He doesn’t need him any longer — he’s destroyed all of his enemy’s army. Prince Talon arrives just in time to watch his father die, but doesn’t lose his family’s sword, a triple-bladed number that shoots blades. He’s going to need it to avenge the deaths of his mother and father.

Eleven years later, Talon (now played by Lee Horsely, TV’s Matt Houston) leads a group of mercenaries back to the country of his birth, ready to get his revenge. And oh yeah — Xusia is still around.

Cromwell attacks the city of Edhan, taking Prince Mikah (Simon MacCorkingdale, Jaws 3D) captive and nearly getting his sister Alana too, before she is saved by Talon, who also agrees to rescue her brother if he can have her for one night.  Of course, as soon as our hero leaves, Alana gets taken by Cromwell.

Talon rescues Mikah, but is captured by Cromwell, who forces Alana to marry him. He invites the four neighboring kings to the ceremony, where he crucifies Talon (obviously Conan the Barbarian was an influence). But our hero is insanely strong, and he pulls himself off the crucifix as Mikah and his soldiers attack the castle (one of them, Phillip, is Reb Brown from Yor, Hunter from the Future).

Cromwell takes Alana to the castle’s dungeons, where his second-in-command, Machelli, reveals himself to be Xusia. Talon uses his sword to defeat him, then bests Cromwell in mortal combat. Finally, a giant snake attacks Alana, but Talon saves her and defeats Xusia again.

Talon might be the rightful heir, but he gives his crown to Mikah, then gets what he really wants: Alana. After a night of what we can only imagine is some solid cocksmanship (and perhaps a marital aid that works just like his sword), he and his men do a collective group walk of shame as they head out looking for a new adventure.

The end of the film promises “Watch for Talon’s Next Adventure Tales of an Ancient Empire,” but a sequel would not appear until 2012.

Despite being rated R, the cheapo toy company Fleetwood released both miniature figures and a replica sword from the film!

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: Q The Winged Serpent (1982)

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Back in the early 1980’s, the VHS market allowed my family to enjoy movies that never made it to Ellwood City, about an hour from Pittsburgh. Our hometown video store, Prime Time Video, was packed with films that fascinated me. I wish someone had footage of all the movies on the shelf. I know we definitely rented Ruggero Deodato’s Raiders of Atlantis, and this bizarre piece of cinema about an Aztec god loose in Manhattan. What a time to be alive, when you could walk down the street and wander row after row of horror movie choices!

The Aztec god Quetzalcoatl, a feather-winged dragon, has found its new pyramid on the Chrysler Building. The film starts by showing us how it finds and devours the heads of its victims in gory detail. Meanwhile, an Aztec cult is leaving sacrificed victims in its wake as Detective Shepard (David Carradine, Death Race 2000) and Sgt. Powell (Richard Roundtree, Shaft) tries to keep up.

The film cuts to a failed diamond heist that leads Jimmy Quinn (Michael Moriarty, who owns this film with a manic Method performance) to the title monster’s nest. He uses his new knowledge to move away from crime (and jazz piano playing) as he extorts the city for the location of the creature’s egg.

Shephard finds out the location on his own, ruining Quinn’s plans. The cops conduct an attack that takes out a baby Q as the creature returns home, wiping out nearly everyone (don’t take Shaft, Q!) until it’s shot over and over, falling dead to the streets below. The cop also saves Quinn, who is almost sacrificed by a crazed Aztec priest.

That said — the magic of the past in man’s modern world is not gone. The film ends with one last egg hatching.

Q is a great movie even without the monster. In Will Harris’ great oral history of the film, David Carradine said: “I thought if Larry had left the monster out of it, between Michael Moriarty and me, there was a real great story there between the detectives and the sleazebag heroin addict/petty-thief character. That’s where the power in the movie is. That’s where the heart of it is… and not in the chicken that ate New York!“

And this is a movie that rose from tragedy! Cohen had just been fired from I, the Jury and didn’t want to waste the hotel room he had already paid for. He wrote the script, hired actors and was done with pre-production in just six days!

Like all of Cohen’s films—do I sound repetitive yet? — This is a movie that outdoes its small budget and looks like a million bucks. It has heart — and plenty of other organs — and verve and panache and any other hyperbole you’d love to bestow upon it.

JUNESPLOITATION: Twilight Theater (1982)

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DAY 21. Free Space!

Aired on February 13, 1982, this 90-minute bizarro sketch comedy pilot was co-executive produced by Steve Martin. NBC was trying to figure out what to do to relieve the pressure on Saturday Night Live‘s grueling production schedule, so they preempted SNL for a week to give Steve’s brain-child a test drive. What we got was a head-on collision between old-school variety show cheese and the new-wave, cocaine-fueled, anarchic comedy of the early 80s.

The framing device is honestly the best part. It plays like a parody of Masterpiece Theatre, celebrating the show’s 25th season. The legendary Roddy McDowall hosts from a plush wingback chair, wearing a tuxedo and cape, seated beneath oil portraits of the cast members (women included), all in formal wear, holding pipes. It sets you up for some high-concept satire. Instead, you get greeted by a black guy in drag humming the theme from Gone With the Wind and then things get really weird.

Like any pilot, this thing throws everything at the wall to see what sticks. Some of it is pure late-night genius; some of it makes you wonder if the writers’ room was just a pile of loose scripts and paranoia.

  • Playhouse Minus-One: This is the absolute crown jewel of the special. It’s a Civil War melodrama where the camera is the main character, a Southern belle named Mary Lou. You play Mary Lou, and your dialogue flashes on the screen with stage directions, and actors like George Peppard, Michael York and Steve Martin wait patiently for you to deliver your lines at home. It culminates in Steve Martin aggressively making out with the camera lens.
  • Auto Interruptus: Steve Martin plays a guy driving a carpool of three dudes to work. He turns on a radio talk show only to hear his own wife blabbing to the host about his terrible sexual performance. The punchline? She’s sleeping with all three guys in his carpool. It’s a dark, cynical take on the mockery of 80s machismo.
  • Women Who Have Made It With Me: Martin Mull hosts a talk show where he interviews three of his ex-lovers, only for them to systematically dissect how completely unmemorable he was in bed.
  • The No-Arms Bandits: Martin Mull plays a bank robber with no arms. He holds up a couple with a gun in his mouth, but the victims can’t understand his muffled orders, and he steals their wallets out of their pockets using his teeth.
  • Party in My Pants: A literal interpretation of the phrase in a song written by Robert Haimer and Billy Mumy, better known as Barnes & Barnes. You watch well-dressed people shrink down and disappear into the giant pant cuff of a derelict’s trousers to dance to disco music. It’s a classic Steve Martin concept—absurd merely for the sake of being absurd.

Plus, you get Harry Anderson (right before Night Court fame) playing an overage grade-school pervert and a hidden-camera sketch where Steve Martin tries to romance a girl using a series of terrible visual puns (she asks for flowers, he brings her cooking flour; she tells him to “stuff it,” so he slam-dunks a basketball in his bedroom).

Because it’s 1982, the musical interludes are delightfully all over the place. You get a performance by the legendary Devo, some cowboy yodeling from Riders in the Sky and the Temple City Kazoo Band playing Strauss.

The critics at the time absolutely hated this. They complained about the obtrusive, unconvincing laugh track that sounded like a drunk guy guffawing at his own jokes. They called it tedious, juvenile and a pale imitation of Fridays or SNL.

But looking back at it now through the lens of obscure television history? It’s a fascinating time capsule. It sits right in that awkward transitional phase where comedy was trying to evolve past the Carol Burnett Show format but hadn’t quite figured out how to sustain that new-wave, anarchic energy for a full 90 minutes.

The cast includes Candy Clark, Rosemary Clooney (singing on a show called “Common Nightmares”), Pam Dawber, Shelley Duvall, Bill Murray, Carl Reiner, Rick Moranis, Mr. T, Leslie Neilsen, Betty Thomas and even Pee-wee Herman, fresh off his Groundlings days and his 1981 HBO special, performing a bit of The Pee-wee Herman Show on network TV before the world even knew what hit ’em. This was written by Jim Fisher and Jim Staahl from SCTV; Carmen Finestra, the writer and executive producer who guided The Cosby Show and co-created Home Improvement; Gary Jacobs, who would go on to write for Newhart and create Empty Nest; SNL writer Kevin Kelton and sitcom vet Jeffrey Barron. They were joined in the writer’s room by executive producer Neal Israel, who, along with Pat Proft, pretty much shaped 80s movie humor. Or they made Police Academy. Director Perry Rosemond worked on a variety of shows and directed episodes of Bizarre.

It ends with Steve Martin doing his classic stand-up routine in front of a giant American flag, reciting the ridiculous things he believes in. There’s a second one of these with Leslie Nielsen hosting, and you better believe I’m looking for it now.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Chattanooga Film Festival 2026: Megaforce (1982)

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In 1982, you could not read a comic book without seeing the ad for Megaforce. It’s the first hype I can truly remember, save for the similar ad strategy for 1977’s Orca. As a ten-year-old chubby geek, I needed to know all about Ace Hunter and his crew of super soldiers.

I wondered, “As a small child living in a small town, could I truly be ready to join Megaforce?” The answer was no. I was too small for the bikes, too rotund for the jumpsuits. But it was a dream. A dream I have refused to give up on.

The Republic of Sardun is peaceful. Gambia, a neighboring country, is not. So they send General Byrne-White (Edward Mulhare from TV’s Knight Rider and The Ghost and Mrs. Muir) and Major Zara (Persis Khambatta, Star Trek: The Motion Picture) to ask Megaforce for help. The conflict will bring their leader, Commander Ace Hunter (Barry Bostwick from The Rocky Horror Picture Show), into conflict with his former friend and now rival, Duke Guerrera (Henry Silva, Killer Kane from 1979’s Buck Rodgers, Chained Heat, Fists of Steel, Amazon Women on the Moon).

That’s alright, though. Megaforce has incredible motorcycles, dune buggies and a big RV. Things will all work out.

Zara decides to try out, and Hunter falls in love with her. She passes, but he cannot allow her to join them in combat — she’d throw off the rest of the guys. That’s right — an empowered woman succeeds against the odds but can’t make it to the team because these guys wear spandex and headbands and need to just be guys, alright? It was 1982. The glass ceiling for Megaforce was ankle level.

Megaforce attacks Gamibia and blows up the base, then has some trouble getting out of the country. Seems that all these tanks are in the way. No worries — the boys all make multicolored smoke come out of their vehicles, which self-destruct, and they leave on foot, except for Hunter, who flies his into the cargo plane. Even then, he gives Guerrera the thumbs up, which the bad guy returns. Again, this was 1982. America was back, baby, and if we wanted to blow up all the vehicles instead of saving them, no matter how great and unique they were, we were going to do it. Who the fuck are you to deny Ace Hunter? Does he come down on the corner and knock the dicks out of your mouth? Don’t presume to tell this bandana-clad gentleman how to lead Megaforce.

Barry Bostwick was all in on this movie. And why not—he had a three-picture deal in case things picked up. His interviews at the time are so wonderful, like when he said the Pentagon tried to stop the movie because of how close Megaforce was to covert CIA strike teams (one can only wonder if they all had flags on their bikes and crazy collared dress uniforms, too). Or when he opined that the world needed a real-life Megaforce.

Megaforce came to us from Hal Needham, a former stuntman who went on to direct Smokey and the Bandit, Hooper, The Cannonball Run, Stroker Ace and 80’s BMX megafilm (seriously, it ruled the video stores of my teenage years) Rad. He even had his own toy — the Hal Needham Western Movie Stunt Set! You don’t even have to guess if I had it as a kid.

Barry Bostwick and Hal Needham weren’t alone, though. There were other members of the team, like Dallas (Michael Beck from The Warriors and Xanadu), who had a Confederate flag on his uniform, because we didn’t understand racism in 1982. Other team members have one name and are one note, like Ivan, Suki, Sixkiller, Anton and Lopez. All of their clothes were designed by Mattel, who saw big toy potential in the film, but only ended up making a playset and some Hot Wheels. My brother and I had them, even if he would not allow anyone else to play with his Megafighter dune buggy. There was even an Atari game!

That said — the film flopped hard. It’s been forgotten by nearly everyone, save the ridiculous folks like me who kiss their thumb and give people the “Megaforce salute.”

In fact, two of those people were Matt Stone and Trey Parker. There is no way to watch  Team America: World Police without seeing echoes of Ace Hunter’s hard work.

And the government itself got really interested. After the military refused to aid the production, they asked Needham for the plans for the Megaforce vehicles. He happily handed them over and claimed that Desert Storm’s hardware came directly from this film.

I cannot stress how completely dumb this film is. No one is ever in danger. No one ever appears to be a real human being. Therefore, it is wonderful, and I also recommend that you seek it out. Deeds not words!

Bonus: I talked about this movie on my podcast.

You can watch this either in-person or virtually at the Chattanooga Film Festival. For more info, visit the official site.

APRIL MOVIE THON DAY 8: Mongrel (1982)

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. You can listen to her podcast at https://thecinemajunction.com. 

Her latest book is Japanese Cult Cinema: Best of the Second Golden Age. She writes for Horror & Sons and Drive-in Asylum. She has also appeared on the podcasts Japan on Film, Making Tarantino, Making Scorsese, The Rad Revivalhouse and contributes to Cinemaforce. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or follow her on Instagram @jennxlondon. 

April 8: Zoo Lover’s Day — You know what that means. Animal attack films!

The artwork on the VHS cover for this hard-to-find early ‘80s thriller promises a vicious ghost monster dog. First, we get a better-than-average look at the horrors of renting a room in a shared house in the middle of the woods in Texas. 

The movie begins with the handsome Ken moving into the old stone manor and getting to know the other six tenants. Mitch Pileggi (The X-Files) plays Woody, the roommate from Hell. A “macho” guy in the attic room who delights in bullying the others and playing practical jokes. What an asshole. I would most definitely put cayenne pepper on his doorknob if I lived in this house. 

Then there’s Eisenhower or “Ike.” A war-obsessed whiny postal worker with a vicious dog who looks like a young Howard Stern. Ike is carrying a torch for Sharon – one of two unfortunate women who live in the house. We also have Jerry. A nice, young guy who indexes books for a living. The most horrifying job in all of publishing.  Jerry is terrified of dogs, having been bit by one as a child. He’s nervous and prone to nightmares so naturally, he’s the first character to sense when something supernatural is going on. Of course, no one believes him. 

Woody shoots Ike’s dog when it bites someone. He later digs it up and puts in Ken’s bed as a practical joke when Sharon starts giving Ken attention. 

The joke goes awry and Ken is accidentally electrocuted by an old lamp introduced as a clear health and safety violation in the first scene. 

The next night, Woody’s new puppy is disemboweled by an invisible growling entity. It also kills Ike. 

When a detective comes to take statements, Landlord Aldo Ray bursts through the door in all his Aldo glory demanding to know “What have these people done this time?” Ray’s commitment to playing his character with utter contempt toward his tenants is part of the reason why I enjoyed this movie immensely. 

We’ve all had a slumlord like this, right? The kind that doesn’t replace faulty lamps and then gets pissed off when people get electrocuted because, “It’ll give me a bad name!” Later, he bursts out of the bushes with a flashlight under his face at 4:30 am and summarily evicts everyone with no paperwork. No notice? “My shotgun’s all the notice I need!” I seriously love watching older actors portraying grumpy characters later in their careers. Ray Milland, are you listening? Aldo is giving you a run for your money in this film. 

The finale features a nice twist ending where there’s no ghost dog at all. It’s Jerry who turns out to be the worst kind of roommate a person can possibly have. He’s not a werewolf. He’s a feral maniac. Aldo dispatches Jerry with his boomstick, saves Sharon and the credits roll. Landlord Aldo was right. All he needed was his shotgun. We should have listened. 

There’s very little gore here. The movie functions best when it’s simply showing us the characters interact. All the actors are fully onboard with this movie. It’s a shame Robert A. Burns didn’t write or direct another feature-length project. Its dark, dry humor struck the perfect tone. Fingers crossed a boutique label puts this one out someday! 

You can watch it here, complete with a set of great trailers from the original VHS: https://www.facebook.com/TCSMFilmLocations/videos/robert-a-burns-mongrel-1982/1647824725372338/

Mysterious Two (1982)

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Between Death Line, Dead and Buried, Vice Squad, Wanted Dead or Alive and Poltergeist III, Gary Sherman has made some interesting movies. At the same time, he was doing plenty of work in TV, including the TV movie The Streets, the series Sable (based on the comic book Jon Sable: Freelance), and so much more. These are some fascinating pieces of his work, well worth tracking down.

Mysterious Two is one of the strangest of them, based on The Two, a cult led by Marshall Herff “Do” Applewhite Jr., that he co-led with Bonnie Lu “Ti” Nettles, also known as the UFO Missionaries. When she died in 1985, he continued leading the group, which changed its name to Heaven’s Gate. And you know how that went, right?

A failed pilot, this is the story of He (John Forsythe) and She (Priscilla Pointer), who are travelling the backroads of America and preaching a non-Christian gospel while hinting that they aren’t from around here. The authorities (Noah Beery Jr. and Robert Englund), a reporter by the name of Arnold Brown (Robert Pine) and a flute-playing young man named Tim Armstrong (James Stephens, not the Tim Armstrong from Operation Ivy) are trying to rescue his girlfriend Natalie (Karen McLarty) from the cult are all suspicious. Still, one night, the entire congregation at one of their tent revivals just disappears into the light. And hey — Vic Tayback!

Everyone is on a bus with no idea how they got there, all brought to a missile silo and bathed with green light. Somehow, they even take the baby out of one woman and never say where it went. And then, everyone disappears again, leaving the flute-player to find them, which would be the hook for a TV series that never aired.

Filmed in 1979 and left sitting on a TV pilot shelf until 1982, this is the kind of thing I would have watched and been obsessed about as a kid, drawing comics and writing stories about it, wondering why no one else cared. Now, I’m an old man who does the same thing.

Forsythe brings a strangely paternal, calm authority to the role, which aligns with The Two’s early recruitment style. They speak of “The Twilight and Midnight of Today,” promising an “Eternal Peace” that requires the total relinquishment of Earthly ties. They keep saying, “It is time,” and that’s shown by a pentagonal shape in the sky that keeps appearing, even after they disappear.

Watching this now, it feels less like a standard TV thriller and more like a proto-folk-horror piece. It captures that specific late-70s anxiety where the utopian dreams of the 60s had curdled into something much more isolated and dangerous. We wouldn’t really explore that until the 90s in TV series form, as The X-Files found a way to create a mythology that everyone could get into.

You can watch this on YouTube.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Jupiter Menace (1982)

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“In this documentary film narrated by George Kennedy, we investigate the planet Jupiter and the secret power it holds over our planet Earth.  Directors Peter Matulavich and Lee Auerbach have combined years of research and interviews with the nation’s leading scientists and historians.  The result is a documentary with such impact that it must be watched and then watched again to fully grasp the tremendous amount of information and prophetic study packed into all 80 minutes!  Discover the Jupiter Menace!” 

The world is doomed, and nothing can be done about it.

Directed by Lee Auerbach and Peter Matulavich (who wrote several episodes of In Search Of) and written by Matulavich and Alan Coats, this tells us that by the year 2000 — 26 years ago — the poles of our planet would move and send us into space, as a grand alignment would cause volcanoes to explode, earthquakes to shatter cities and, well, you wouldn’t want to live on this planet, let me tell you that much.

That’s because Jupiter and Saturn — “Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon, Miranda and Titania, Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten” — were about to move as well, and the Bible says that will happen, and so do astrologers and the Anasazi. Chester Brooks, a computer programmer and church deacon, explains in this movie how he programmed his computer with every reference to natural catastrophes in the Bible, then uses a simple map to calculate that the Dome of the Rock will be destroyed in the near future. 

So do John Gribbin and Stephen Plagemann, who said that this alignment of the planets would cause major disasters, including a large earthquake on the San Andreas Fault, in their 1974 book The Jupiter Effect. A rare planetary alignment when Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Pluto would be on the same side of the Sun would produce enough tidal forces on our system’s big star. 

The documentary highlights the San Andreas Fault as a scar and features Peter Franken (a former Pentagon researcher) describing a nightmare scenario where Los Angeles is taken out, resulting in over 100,000 immediate deaths and grotesque injuries. Then, technicians use a computer to simulate a 12-point earthquake on the Richter scale, a force 10,000 times more powerful than the 1906 San Francisco quake.

When the alignment happened on March 10, 1982, no major disasters occurred. Gribbin later disavowed the theory, admitting in The Little Book of Science that he “don’t like it, and I’m sorry I ever had anything to do with it” In 1982, he and Plagemann published The Jupiter Effect Reconsidered, shifting the focus to a supposed 1980 event linked to Mount St. Helens, though this also lacked evidence, as you would expect.

Plagemann, Jeffrey Goodman and John White, who wrote Pole Shift. appear in this, along with psychics Clarissa Bernhardt (who claims to have predicted over 30 earthquakes and visualizes the San Francisco Bay becoming an inland sea and the East Coast being ravaged by volcanic activity) and Alex Tanous, and CSA leader James Ellison (an American white supremacist and this group means The Covenant, the Sword and the Arm of the Lord, a radical paramilitary and survivalist group active in the 70s and 80s). There is also a group of people who plan on living in the sky, the STEL Community, before they come back to the surface to rule. Located 60 miles south of Chicago, this group planned to build 3,000 airships by 1999 to hover above the Earth during the cataclysm, before building a new community they named Philadelphia.

What’s insane is that both of these groups are presented as sane and not at all fringe.

Why should you watch this? Because George Kennedy needed a paycheck, and I can respect that. It also has a soundtrack by Larry Fast, who is also Synergy. On his site, Fast says, “Larry Fast is best known for his series of pioneering electronic music albums recorded under the project name SYNERGY. He is also recognized for his decade-long work with Peter Gabriel, playing synthesizer on recordings and tours, and serving as part of the production team on many of Peter’s albums. During his career, Larry has worked as an electronic music composer/arranger and producer, contributing to numerous platinum-selling recordings with world-renowned artists. Performers as diverse as Nektar, Bonnie Tyler, Foreigner, Hall & Oates,  Annie Haslam (Renaissance), The Strawbs, Meat Loaf, Barbra Streisand and many others have called on Larry’s electronic production talents.” He also played synth on “Tonight Is What It Means to Be Young” and “Nowhere Fast” for the  Streets of Fire soundtrack, as well as on Hall and Oates’ “Private Eyes” and Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” 

Much like an off-brand Sunn movie, this has two narrators, the other being C. Lindsay Workman, who was the voice of God in Garfield: His Nine Lives. And hey — the cinematographer was Robert Harmon, who went on to direct The Hitcher and shot stills on Nocturna, Tourist Trap, Fairy Tales, Fade to Black and Hell Night.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Psychic Confession (1982)

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James Alan Hydrick was a self-professed psychic who could perform tricks like moving a pencil across a table. He first appeared on That’s Incredible! What’s, well, incredible is the fact that five years before, Hydrick was arrested for torture and kidnapping. He escaped three prisons, once by kicking right through a concrete wall, another by going right through the gates and the last time, pole vaulting his way out.

Hydrick claimed that he had psychokinesis and could turn the pages in a phone book by looking at them. As you can imagine, if you were around then, James Randi saw this magic trick trying to pass as psychic power and went after Hydrick, even replicating one of his tricks when Hydrick couldn’t on That’s My Line. 

Investigative journalist and professional magician Dan Korem finally got the “psychic” to confess, at which point Hydrick claimed that he was trying to see just how dumb the public was. After all, he convinced many people that he was given these powers by an ascended Eastern teacher named Master Woo.

That didn’t stop him from performing and starting karate schools, places that he used to lure children in and abuse them. Wanted on an outstanding warrant, Hydrick was arrested after police recognized him from Sally Jessy Raphael. Hydrick was sentenced to 17 years for molesting five boys in Huntington Beach, California, and then sent to the Atascadero State Hospital for treatment under the sexually violent predator law. 

This is the movie directed and written by Danny Korem that got the truth out of Hydrick. Hydrick would balance a pencil on the edge of a table. He didn’t use his mind; he used sharp, controlled puffs of air. Korem noted that Hydrick would turn his head to the side to make it look like he wasn’t blowing, but the air currents would travel along the surface of the table, moving the object.

To move objects under a sealed glass tank, Hydrick relied on the fact that most tables are not perfectly flat. He would blow air through the tiny gaps between the tank and the table.

During the investigation, Hydrick became extremely agitated and refused to perform when Korem placed sensitive microphones near him (to pick up the sound of his breathing) or used tape to seal the gaps under the glass tanks. 

Narrated by Jack Palance, this shows how it all went down. You can see Hydrick pretty much blowing air out of his mouth to move these objects before we learn how he learned karate to fight his brother, who he claimed killed his brother. To be fair, Hydrick’s family members admitted to shocking levels of abuse. His father would tie him to a barrel and put ping pong balls in his mouth so he couldn’t scream while being beaten, and his aunt even recalled his mother using a wooden paddle to sexually abuse Hydrick.

Hydrick admitted that as a child, he would imagine himself going to the moon or living in a mansion in China to escape the pain, childhood fantasies that became the lies he told the public about his Eastern training. Because his parents couldn’t handle his active nature, he was dumped in the Whitten Center, an institution for the mentally deficient, despite having a normal IQ.

This ends up all falling to pieces for him while we watch, a fascinating forty minutes of cringe and the knowledge that you’re watching a criminal in the act. Hydrick wasn’t just looking for fame; he was looking for a following. He admitted to Korem that he used his tricks to convert inmates in jail, making Bible pages turn by the power of God, just to see if he could control them. As we see Hydrick’s 1982 arrest, which occurred just days after he confessed to Korem, we learn that he was caught receiving stolen guns from his own students—the young boys he was supposed to be mentoring in his karate school.

Even while in jail for these charges, he continued to perform, once faking a suicide attempt with a trick rope just to amuse himself and manipulate the guards.

You can watch this on YouTube.

WEIRD WEDNESDAY: The Incubus (1982)

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Based on Ray Russell’s novel of the same title, Incubus is all about demon rape. There’s really no other way to say it. If you’re looking for the definitive word on the subject, this movie would probably be your best choice. And hey, John Cassavetes is in it!

The film opens in a rock quarry where Mandy and her boyfriend are swimming. More likely, they’re fooling around until an unseen force caves in the dude’s head and attacks her, putting her in the hospital with a ruptured uterus. While all this is going on, Tim Galen, a local teen, dreams of hooded men tying a woman down and torturing her.

Dr. Sam Cordell (Cassavetes) is treating the girl and we soon learn a lot about his life. His wife has recently died, he’s relocated to the town of Galen following a scandal and his daughter, Jenny, doesn’t really get along with him. Oh yeah — and she’s also dating Tim.

Sheriff Hank Walden (John Ireland, whose career stretches from classics like All the King’s Men and I Saw What You Did to Satan’s Cheerleaders) and reporter Laura Kincaid are on the case too, which expands when a librarian is killed and murdered. It turns out that she has red semen inside her body — so much semen that she’s literally been filled up and destroyed by it. If you’re thinking this is a totally scummy storyline, well, buckle up.

The rapes and murders continue and every single time, young Tim is having the dream while they happen, including an attack at a movie theater where he’s gone to try and distract himself. Look for an appearance by a really young Bruce Dickinson singing for his pre-Iron Maiden band Samson in this scene!

What is Dr. Sam doing? Oh, you know, showing Laura photos of his recently deceased second wife — the reason why he left wherever it was he lived before — and she looks exactly like the reporter. She has some news, too. The town of Galen has a long history of Satanic activity and these rape crimes are nothing new.

Is Tim the killer? Was his mother a witch? Or is his family part of a long line of witch hunters? Is the real killer a shapeshifting incubus, which rapes women in their dreams?

We get our answers pretty quickly. Sam tries to induce Tim’s demonic state while Laura takes Jenny up to bed. Tim tries to attack Laura with a witch hunting dagger his grandmother has given him, but Sam stops the boy and kills him. That’s when we learn that Laura had been the incubus all along. As she lovingly holds Sam, he looks to the bed where his dead daughter is bleeding between the legs.

Yes. That’s really the ending. I warned you that this film was rough, didn’t I?

Incubus was directed by John Hough, who was behind one of my favorite movies of all time, Twins of Evil. He also helmed The Legend of Hell House and both of Disney’s Witch Mountain movies. It’s written by Ray Russell, who also wrote plenty of other horror fiction that was made into movies and screenplays, including X the Man with the X-Ray Eyes, Mr. Sarndonicus, Zotz! and Roger Corman’s The Premature Burial.

While this movie moves slow and some subplots go nowhere, the last few minutes are exactly what you want the movie to be and Cassavetes is — as always — better than the material.

Satanic Harassment

  • 1 oz. Absolut Citron or citrus vodka
  • .75 oz. Midori
  • .5 oz. Chambord
  • 2 oz. orange juice
  • 2 oz. pineapple juice
  • 1 oz. margarita mix
  1. Shake everything in a shaker with ice.
  2. Pour out and be careful at the rock quarry.