FUCKED UP FUTURES PART 2: 2019: After the Fall of New York

Sergio Martino gets a lot of love around here. Then again, anyone that makes five completely off their rocker giallo in two years would, too. From The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh to The Case of the Scorpion’s Tail, the virtually perfect All the Colors of the DarkYour Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have the Key and Torso, Martino has more than made his mark on film. And you have probably figured out how much the post-apocalyptic genre is loved here, too. Here’s hoping that this mixture of the two works!

In 2015, mankind finally did what we knew they all would. They blew the Earth up real good. Afterward, the Eurax won the war and the Pan-American Confederacy was wiped out. The healthy survivors were experimented on and everyone else was murdered in so many different ways. The Eurax look like Darth Vader, if they wore the British wrestling version of Kendo Nagasaki’s outfits. And oh yeah — there haven’t been any children born since the nukes got dropped.

Out in the desert, life goes on. And by life, we mean punk rockers and goths watching two cars fight. One is filled with guys in face paint wearing football pads. The other has our hero, Parsifal (Michael Sopkiw, Blastfighter). He defeats the other team and is awarded prizes by a top-hat wearing circus barker and a robot clown, including a woman of his very own. He then heads out into the wasteland on his super cool tricycle, where he passes some dead cyborgs.

A hovercraft comes along and demands that our hero come with them. He refuses, then drives along until he finds some mutants who are foaming at the mouth. Green foam, that is. Parsifal kills them and then sets the woman free, giving her a horse. And then, to prove how ineffectual of a hero he is, he’s instantly knocked out cold by the dudes from the hovercraft and taken to Alaska.

Why Alaska? Because we’re in the base of the Pan-American Confederacy, who have survived. Their President sends Parsifal on a mission to find the only fertile woman in New York and harvest her eggs. If he succeeds, he gets to go away from Earth on a spaceship. And he has Ratchet, a one-eyed badass, and Bronx, a dude with a claw for a hand, to help him.

They break into the city via tunnels and run afoul of a gang of mutants — led by the Rat Eater King — after trying to save a little person named Shorty. Then Eurax troops attack and only Parsifal, Bronx and Giara, one of the bad girls, are saved.

Bronx is questioned by a Eurax commander (or Eurac, internet sites just don’t agree on the proper spelling) who has Picasso art all over his interrogation room. Bronx decides to rip out the man’s eyes while Parsifal is being tortured on a rack. That doesn’t seem to work well, so Officer Ania (Anna Kanakis, Warriors of the Wasteland) makes out with him until he tells all of his secrets, again showing what a completely inept hero he is. Well, I guess he’s smart enough to tell them that Giara is the fertile one when she isn’t.

Parsifal and Giara make their escape, covered by Bronx, who kills several soldiers until Ania shoots him. Thanks to the return of Ratchet and Shorty, they make their way to the ruined UN building. Good news! Shorty knows where to find that mythical last fertile woman in New York.

The commander gets new eyeballs while Ania tells him that they have eight submarines watching for the escapees. The Eurax find Shorty’s people and, as they usually do, kill everyone with a high frequency sound weapon. Only Shorty, Parsifal, Ratchet and Giara escape.

While they’re being chased, they run into Big Ape (George Eastman! Yes!) and his Hairy Men, who are kind of like Planet of the Apes in this otherwise Mad Max affair. Big Ape looks like a hairy beast wearing a pirate outfit, so of course, he’s my favorite character in this movie. Turns out he always wanted to knock a woman up, so he agrees to help.

Oh yeah — Parsifal fights off one of the Hairy Men who has taken a liking to Giara. So there’s that happening now.

They find the last fertile woman, who has been put into suspended animation by her dead professor father (and also dressed in see-through plastic). The guys all run off to get armor for a vehicle while Big Ape knocks out Giara and makes his move on the last fertile woman. Oh yeah — Shorty also sacrifices himself to save everyone.

Our heroes escape — Giara strangely not saying anything about Big Ape attacking her and having sex with a woman who can’t consent, so #metoo will exist even after the fall of New York — and make their way through the Eurax defenses. However, a laser beam penetrates the car and turns Big Ape into a smoking skeleton! What! This movie confounds the senses sometimes!

Ania shoots the Eurax leader and takes over. And out of nowhere, Ratchet turns on everyone and tries to kill Parsifal. Why? Honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe because he’s a cyborg, even if we haven’t determined that cyborgs are evil? Giara ends up saving him and getting killed as a result, telling our hero that humanity is worth saving.

So when Parsifal comes back, the leader tells him that because he’s dying and won’t survive the space trip, he can have his seat. As the spaceship leaves Earth, the last fertile woman wakes up and looks into Parsifal’s eyes.

Wait — so that’s it? Were they setting up a sequel? Are we missing a few reels of the film? Did a bunch get cut out of the American version? I have no idea! This movie makes little to no sense. And I love it!

“They baked the Big Apple!” one character yells as the synthesized sounds of Oliver Onions (the dudes who wrote the theme for You, Hunter from the Future) plays. If that doesn’t make you want to watch this movie, I really don’t know what else to tell you.

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