Black Noon (1971)

Bernard L. Kowalski has a decent horror pedigree, directing Night of the Blood BeastAttack of the Giant Leeches; Krakoa, East of JavaTerror in the Sky and Sssssss. Here, he puts the occult terror on a slow boil and puts Reverend John Keyes (Roy Thinnes, always battling the occult) and his wife Lorna (Lynn Loring, The Horror at 37,000 Feet) against an unseen force bedeviling a small Western town named San Melas.

There’s voodoo, devil worship and a mute young girl and a gunslinger possessed by the Left Hand Path. Ray Milland shows up, proving that Old Hollywood is never to be trusted. Plus there’s Gloria Grahame (Blood and Lace), Henry Silva (Almost HumanMegaforce), stuntman Stan Barrett, Joshua Bryant (Salem’s Lot), a young Leif Garrett and Jodie Foster’s brother Buddy.

70’s made for TV horror neglects the Old West, so this is a strange film to start with. Then again, it also plays the Troll 2 trick of a town with a backward name and a connection to witches, but it doesn’t telegraph that.

The ending — which moves to 1971 — more than makes up for the slow moving last 68 minutes. Actually, I love dreamy TV movies that seem to take forever to get anywhere. If this played on the CBS Late Movie, it would have probably taken two hours and forty minutes with all the commericals.

Actually, it did, on August 29, 1972 and March 6, 1975.

You, however, can just watch it on YouTube:

NBC Monday Night Movie: Angel Dusted (1981)

As with our yesterday’s review of CBS-TV’s The Killing of Randy Webster, this NBC original movie held a young adult appeal, yet was far too dark for their weekday, Special Treat young programming block that also dealt with the issues of drug abuse — but not like this.

Dick Lowry, best known for his Kenny Rogers song-to-TV movie adaptation and NBC-TV’s In The Line of Duty film series, directs a script by actress Darlene Craviotto (feature film debut in Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, aka Dracula’s Dog) based on the biographical book Angel Dusted: A Family’s Nightmare by Ursula Etons.

Jean Stapleton and Arthur Hill stars as Betty and Michael Etons, while Stapleton’s real life son John Putch stars as the drug addicted Owen. Helen Hunt (Trancers, Twister, As Good As It Gets) appears as his sister, Lizzy. Percy Rodrigues (Primus Isaac Kimbridge from Genesis II, the “voice” of the Loknar in Heavy Metal!) stars as one of the doctors treating Owen.

Okay . . . this is where, as with the mix up of actors in The Killing of Randy Webster, we need to clear up the Helen Hunt confusion with Angel Dusted.

After making this cautionary juvenile delinquency tale in a support role, Helen Hunt headlined — alongside Diana Scarwid (Mommy Dearest) and the who’s who cast of Tom Atkins, (pick a John Carpenter movie), Sam Bottoms (Open House), Art Hindle (Clint’s Dirty Harry movies), and Diane Ladd (Something Wicked This Way Comes) — the other “Angel Dust” cautionary tale, Desperate Lives, for NBC in 1983 . . . and Desperate Lives is the movie where a drug-crazed Helen Hunt “touches the grass” and jumps out of a high school’s third floor window.

There. Glad that’s settled.

Now back to the other PCP movie with Helen Hunt.

In this tale, John Putch (Sean Brody in Jaws 3-D; now a director banging out American Housewife episodes for ABC; Scrubs for NBC) is a doted-upon son who finds solace from the pressures of excellence from his affluent parents by developing a drug addiction. And he falls into a drug-induced psychosis after smoking pot laced with PCP.

While Putch is stellar in his acting debut, this is clearly mom’s show. For anyone who’s never experienced Jean Stapleton outside of her Edith Bunker character on CBS-TV’s long running All in the Family, they’ll be amazed at this master thespian’s range.

While the doctors just go through the motions — plying Owen with even more drugs-as-antidotes, such as the schizophrenics Haldol and Thorazine — Betty Etons struggles to hold her marriage and family together as she tries to nurse Owen back to a life of normalcy.

You can watch a pretty clean TV-taped VHS rip of Angel Dusted on You Tube. And since it’s owned by Warner Brothers (they provide the above trailer) this one is readily available to purchase for your collection of Jaws ephemera. Warner Bros. also owns Desperate Lives and since released it on VHS and DVD; that is if you’d like a copy for your ’70s juvenile delinquency film collection.

Sorry, I can’t not spin the pentagram. Hail Cronos!

About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

CBS Wednesday Night Movie: The Killing of Randy Webster (1981)

Considering its juvenile delinquency plot and rock soundtrack (like an even bleaker Over the Edge), this was certainly made for young adults, but was far too dark for CBS-TV’s Schoolbreak Special young adult programming block. And it’s one of the greatest TV movies ever made. Yeah, I know we say that a lot about the TV movies we review here. But wow. This friggin’ movie.

Once again proving that all actors have to start somewhere: Sean Penn stars in a support role in his first feature film. Before he gained notice for his supporting Tom Cruise in the military school drama, Taps (1981), and then blew up with his roles as Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) and Bad Boys (1983) as Mick O’Brien, he was the undercard in this cautionary tale based on journalist Tom Curtis’s award-winning article “The Throwdown.”

The teleplay was written by prolific TV scribe Scott Swanton in his feature film debut. Regardless of his ratings successes on TV, Swanton only moved into theatrical features — once — with Racing for Glory (1989), a bike racing flick starring Peter Berg (who you know as an actor from Shocker, but as a director from Hancock and The Losers). But on the small screen? Wow. Swanton brought his A-Game with the Calendar Girl Murders (1984; Tom Skeritt/Sharon Stone) and Nightmare at Bitter Creek (1988; Tom Skeritt/Lindsay Wagner). Great TV movie stuff!

The rest of the cast is a who’s who of ’70 and ’80s films and television. Of course, you recognize the adult leads with the always welcomed Hal Holbrook (Creepshow, Rituals) and Dixie Carter from her wealth of TV series. But you also get Barry Corbin of WarGames (as Holbrook’s work partner) and an early roll for Jennifer Jason Leigh, who just came off her support role in Eyes of a Stranger (1981), and on the way to her breakout roles in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Easy Money (1983). And there’s Anthony Edwards, also of Fast Times, and on his way to Top Gun (1986) with Tom Cruise.

The rest of the cast is filled with the familiar faces of Chris Mulkey (a cabie witness), Scott Paulin (portrays writer Tom Curtis; yes, he was Red Skull in Captain America ’90) and Anne Ramsey (trailer park witness). Uber keen eyes will also notice the familiar John Dennis Johnson (48 Hrs., Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park) and Nancy Malone (too many TV series to mention), and James Whitmore, Jr. (now a prolific TV director, most recently for the NCIS franchise). And do we really have to go into the acting resume of director Sam Wanamaker? Billy Jack Goes to Washington (1977) and “Luigi Patrovita” in Raw Deal (1986) ringing any bells?

Courtesy of Getty Images/Made for TV Movie Fandom Wiki.

Sorry. I know. I get carried with the backstories and casts with these old TV movies. You’d probably like to know the plot now, right?

Randy Webster (Gary McCleery; who vanished from the biz after roles in Baby, It’s You (1983) and Matewan (1987) for John Sayles; oft confused with Paul Clemens of The Beast Within and Michael Kramer of Over the Edge: that settles that argument) is a troublesome high school student (his buddies are the nebbish Penn and Edwards) who, after a fight with this mom and dad (Carter and Holbrook) and his girlfriend (Jennifer Jason Leigh) on the same night, decides to let off some steam by breaking into an auto showroom and steal a van — and it ends with his death at the hands of Houston police officers. To cover up the incident, the cops use a “throwdown”; Holbrook and Carter are determined to clear their son’s name and prove he was murdered.

Oh, I almost forgot. The soundtrack. Oh-ho-ho, this friggin’ soundtrack!

Since this was a Canadian-made movie and April Wine just released their mainstream breakthrough album, 1981’s Nature of the Beast, half of the album was used in the film, most notably, “Crash and Burn” during the culminating cops vs. van chase.

And now, I go off the rails with April Wine love: No hard rock collection is complete without copies of their ’80s “big three” of Harder . . . Faster, First Glance, and The Nature of the Beast (honorabe mentions to ’75’s Stand Back and ’82’s Powerplay). The ‘Winers made their soundtrack debut with their two best-know hits, “Just Between You and Me” and “Sign of the Gypsy Queen,” in the Canadian comedy Gas (1981; back when Howie Mandell had hair and worked as an actor). One of their later, last and lesser and weaker hits, “Rock Myself to Sleep,” was used in vampire comedy Fright Night (1985) (and became a hit cover for the Jefferson friggin’ Starship; just to show how far the ‘Wine whoosed and slipped off the hard-rock tracks).

Hollywood’s music consultants eventually come to realize the majesty of the ‘Wine, with the Canadian rockers earlier tunes “Say Hello,” “You Could Have Been a Lady” and “Oowatanite” appearing in numerous films. “Roller” from First Glance has appeared in Joe Dirt, Machine Gun Preacher, The Heat, Grown Ups 2, and Game Night, while “I Like to Rock” appeared in Nick Cage’s Drive Angry. Most recently, “Say Hello” turned up in the 2019 Dave Bautista-starring action flick, Stuber. And it looks like I’ll have to music consult a film myself to finally get the epic Brian Greenway-penned tunes “Before the Dawn” and “Right Down To It” on a soundtrack. . . .

Okay. Geeze, R.D. Here’s the friggin’ Charmin. Clean yourself up already.

Anyway, The Killing of Randy Webster is one of the few TV Movies that, during the video ’80s insatiable appetite for shelf product, was issued on VHS — with gaudy, sensationalistic sleeves, natch — and you can easily find a copy on Amazon and eBay. But watch out for those DVDs, as they’re grey market rips. What makes this movie work is that scribe Scott Swanton used the Akira Kurosawa Rashomon approach (like Alex Cox’s recently released Tombstone Rashomon) to investigate what really happened on that Houston highway. Just a beautiful film on all quarters.

There’s two clean VHS rips uploaded to You Tube. One with commercials — the for the full retro-TV experience — and one without commercials. And we found this pretty nifty catch-all playlist featuring a plethora, a virtual analog cornucopia, of the “Big Three” network’s TV movies of the ’70s and ’80s. Enjoy! And rock to the soundtrack of The Killing of Randy Webster, aka April Wine’s The Nature of the Beast.

About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

Roar (1981)

Shudder just did a series about Cursed Films and while they covered The Exorcist, they completed neglected this off-shoot, which may be the most dangerous, most cursed movie ever.

Noel Marshall was William Peter Blatty’s agent and the executive producer of that film before he decided to make this movie. Perhaps the problem is what we often discuss: the auteur complex.

Marshall wrote, co-produced, and starred in this movie alongside his then-wife, The Birds star Tippi Hedren, his stepdaughter Melanie Griffith and his sons Jerry and John.

During the filming of Mr. Kingstreet’s War, Marshall and Hedren got the idea to make this film about the plight of big cats called Lions, Lions and More Lions.

They approached animal trainers for support on the training of numerous big cats, and were told the idea was impossible. Each cat would need at least two trainers on set at all time. They dismissed these experts, as we’ll soon learn more about.

Hedren originally wanted actor Jack Nicholson to play the lead role, but Marshall decided to play that part.

The six months of production stretched into three years of shooting and eleven total years of production. The lions would live in Marshall’s homes and would eventually reach more than 130 lions, tigers, leopards, jaguars and cougars.

I referred to this film being cursed earlier. Instead of theory and conjecture, ala that Shudder show, let me give you facts: seventy people were injured during the making of this movie. Marhsall’s wounds got so bad that he got gangrene and nearly died, taking an entire year to recover.  There was also a near Biblical series of calamities, including a flood, a fire, a feline plague, destroyed equipment, Hedren breaking her leg after falling off an elephant, John nearly being smothered by a lion and needing more than fifty stitches to his head and Melanie being attacked by a lion and needing facial reconstruction.

Two years in, most of the investors had left. Marshall would sell four houses to pay for the film, rebuild the sets and rehire a crew. At the end, the movie would cost $17 million to independently make; $48 million in today’s money.

It would play theaters for a week and only bring in $2 million. Then, it went away for decades.

This is a movie that destroyed lives and a marriage.

A year after, Marshall and Hedren would split. His son John would tell Xfinity that, “Dad was crazy. He was absolutely bat [expletive] crazy. He was worse than the whole family put together. He was actually quite dangerous.”

Marshall was known for screaming at the cast and crew, ignoring safe words and working to get a shot more than take care of them.

Jan de Bont, who would go on to shoot CujoBasic Instinct and, yes, Leonard Part 6 before directing SpeedTwister and The Haunting, was the cinematographer on this film. He was scalped by a lion and needed more than two hundred stitches. Of the film, he said, “The technical problems were gigantic. When you shoot with five cameras simultaneously, each has to be ingeniously disguised so they don’t appear in the shots. This was my first Hollywood film. And I’ll never be the same again.”

Togar was one of the lead lions. He was adopted from Anton Lavey, the leader of the Church of Satan, who could no longer keep him in his small San Francisco apartment. He was perhaps the most dangerous of the lions, despite being raised in a domestic situation. He would attack assistant director Doron Kauper, which required four and a half hours of surgery to survive. Twenty of the crew walked out and would not come back.

Man, I know way too much trivia about this film. Like how Ted Cassidy — Lurch from The Addams Family — was a writer. That three of the animals had to be shot by sheriffs after they escaped during the flood. And that was one of the other lions was named Christian and he’d live with the aforementioned Togar, which means smoke.

As for the actual movie, I’d describe it as a cross between Born FreeThe Birds and Jackass. It is less a narrative film when you know the story behind the movie.

Want to see it for yourself? Visit the official site or get it from Olive FIlms.

REPOST: Condorman (1981)

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This movie originally ran on the site a year ago, but it’s so related to James Bond week — and such an unappreciated film — I decided to bring it back.

The last time I saw this movie, I was 7 years old and watching it under the stars at the Spotlight 88 drive-in theater in Beaver Falls, PA. Sadly, that theater was destroyed by a freak tornado that tore through the Pittsburgh/Southwestern PA area on May 31, 1985. This was a seminal location for my childhood, a place where I saw tons of double features and built memories that would provide the foundation for the movie love that I still hold dear today.

Woodrow “Woody” Wilkins (future Andrew Lloyd Webber Phantom Michael Crawford) is a comic book artist whose devotion to realism extends to creating his own Condorman suit and attempting to fly off the Eiffel Tower. Instead of arresting him, his friend Harry (James Hampton, Uncle Harry the werewolf from the Teen Wolf movies), a CIA file clerk, asks him to exchange papers with someone in Istanbul.

Woody finds KGB spy Natalia Rambova (Barbara Carrera, Wicked Stepmother), who he tells that he is really Condorman. Impressed by how he protects her and how poorly she’s treated by her KGB boss Krokov (Oliver Reed!), she defects to the U.S., but only if Condorman helps her.

Woody’s already in love — he’s added Natalia to his comic as Laser Lady. When he’s asked to help her defect, he only agrees if the CIA designs him gear like his comic. Amazingly, they agree and the adventure is on.

Imagine James Bond crossed over with the Adam West-era Batman and you have an idea of how Condorman plays. For a Disney movie, Carrera is really sultry, which probably had an effect on my nine-year-old mind.

Before the days of licensing, Condorman had two cool tie-ins. A daily strip by Russ Heath and an ice cream flavor at Baskin-Robbins!

 

For Your Eyes Only (1981)

For Your Eyes Only was inspired by not just one Ian Fleming book. It has parts of Live and Let Die, Goldfinger and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, as well as the short stories For Your Eyes Only and Risico. It was an attempt to move away from the silliness of Moonraker and get Bond quite literally back down to Earth.

John Glen was promoted from editor to director. His plan? “We had gone as far as we could into space. We needed a change of some sort, back to the grass roots of Bond. We wanted to make the new film more of a thriller than a romp, without losing sight of what made Bond famous – its humour.”

The movie begins with Bond laying flowers at the grave of his wife Tracy, whose inscription is her last words: “We have all the time in the world.” Soon, he’s attacked by a bald man in a wheelchair holding a cat. Is it Blofeld? Glen said, “We just let people use their imaginations and draw their own conclusions … It’s a legal thing”. After all, Kevin McClory owned the film rights to Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the organization SPECTRE and other material associated with the development of Thunderball. Bond bests his arch-nemesis and dumps his wheelchair down a giant factory chimney. Consider this scene a middle finger to McClory, as producer Albert Broccoli wanted the world to know that he had no use for Blofeld ever again.

This time, Bond must take an ATAC system that could be misused for controlling British military submarines back from Aristotle Kristatos (Julian Glover, who was almost Bond before Roger Moore was selected). Assisting our hero is Milos Columbo (Topol, Flash Gordon) and complicating matters are ice skater Bibi Dahl (Lynn Holly-Johnson, Ice Castles) and Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet).

This is the only Bond movie not to feature M, as Bernard Lee was dying of stomach cancer during filming. Q has an expanded role as a result.

Cannonball Run (1981)

Directed by Hal Needham (MegaforceSmokey and the Bandit), this movie was based on the 1979 running of an actual cross-country outlaw road race — the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining-Sea Memorial Trophy Dash — which began in Connecticut and ended in California. Or, you know, Cannonball, the 1976 Roger Corman produced film that tells the exact same story. Or The Gumball Rally.

That said, screenwriter Brock Yates came up with the actual race while writing for Car and Driver. The race had only one rule: “All competitors will drive any vehicle of their choosing, over any route, at any speed they judge practical, between the starting point and destination. The competitor finishing with the lowest elapsed time is the winner.”

Yates’ team was the only participant in the original 1971 running, which was named after Ernest “Cannonball” Baker, who in 1927 drove across the country in just 60 hours.

This is pretty much my dream idea of what a movie should be.

A very simple premise: a cross-country race for lots of money.

Add in plenty of actors you love.

Let hijinks ensue.

The players:

The ambulance: JJ McClure (Burt Reynolds) and Victor Prinzi (Dom DeLuise) are driving a souped-up Dodge Tradesman ambulance, the very same vehicle Needham and Yates used in the 1979 race.

The Ferrari 308 GTS: Driven by drunken former race star Jamie Blake (Dean Martin) and his gambler Morris Fenderbaum (Sammy Davis Jr.), who are both dressed as Catholic priests.

The Lamborghini Countach: Driven by Jill Rivers (Tara Buckman) and Marcie Thatcher (Adrienne Barbeau), who are using their looks to get ahead. This is pretty much the horror genre car, as Buckman would go on to appear in Silent Night, Deadly Night, Xtro II: The Second Encounter and, of course, Night Killer. Barbeau would live on in our hearts thanks to appearances in CreepshowThe Fog and Escape from New York.

The Subaru GL 4WD: Producers Golden Harvest demanded some Asian stars in the film. They got Jackie Chan in his second American film — after The Big Brawl — and Michael Hui.

The Laguna/Monte Carlo: This Hawaiian Tropic NASCAR car somehow switches makes throughout the film. It keeps the same drivers: Terry Bradshaw and Mel Tillis.

The Aston Martin DB5: Driven by Roger Moore, who is really James Bond, who is really Seymour Goldfarb, Jr., the potentially crazy heir to the Goldfarb Girdles fortune.

The Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow: Driven by rich old sheik Jamie Farr.

There’s so much more — DeLuise is also a superhero named Captain Chaos, Farrah Fawcett hooks up with Burt, Dr. Van Helsing (Jack Elam) wants to inject everyone with his medicine, Bert Convy gets into a fistfight with bikers led by Peter Fonda, Valerie Perrine shows up as a state trooper, stuntman Robert Tessler (Chief Thor from Starcrash, Verdugo from The Sword and the Sorcerer) fights Jackie Chan, all of the Bond girls are dubbed just like the real films and all manner of car stunts take up much of the running time.

Burt Reynolds did this movie for $5 million, a percentage of the profits and a promise he’d only work 14 days. He later said, “I did that film for all the wrong reasons. I never liked it. I did it to help out a friend of mine, Hal Needham. And I also felt it was immoral to turn down that kind of money. I suppose I sold out so I couldn’t really object to what people wrote about me.”

This movie is also the reason why seatbelts are required on all stunts now.

24-year-old German American stuntwoman Heidi von Beltz, who was a former championship skier and aspiring actor, was critically injured driving the Aston Martin car during a stunt. She had no previous stunt driving experience and was behind the wheel of a car with defective steering, clutch, and speedometer. Even worse, it had bald tires.

Her vehicle collided head-on with a van and made her a quadriplegic. Her personal injury lawsuit exceeded all available primary insurance coverage, so the production’s excess insurer, Interstate Fire sued von Beltz and her employer, Stuntman Inc., claiming that the lawsuit was not covered under its policy.

After years of court cases, she was eventually awarded $7 million although the judge later reduced that amount to $3.2 million or just enough to pay her medical and legal bills. She died in 2015.

Here’s something good out of this movie: It inspired Jackie Chan to always include bloopers at the end of his films. Hopefully that makes up for the fact that Needham didn’t know the difference between Asian races and cast Chan as a Japanese racer.

For Your Height Only (1981)

Ernesto dela Cruz was born in poverty and with primordial dwarfism and underdeveloped intellectual capacities. However, despite his start, he fell in love with martial arts. As he was working with a stunt team, he was noticed by actor and producer Peter Caballes. Working with his wife Cora, they would play the roles of his guardians, agents, producers and writers of some of his greatest roles. Weng Weng was born, but outside of his native Philippines, he wouldn’t become famous until after his early death.

Weng Weng plays Agent 00, who is pretty much James Bond. Equipped with gadgets, his job is to stop Mr. Giant and rescue Dr. Kohlet before the N-Bomb is set off.

From an anti-poison ring to a bladed remote control hat, a miniature machine gun and even a jetpack, Agent 00 romances women, kills henchmen and gets into Hidden Island, Mr. Giant’s base — just like Bond.

Mr. Giant is revealed to be a dwarf himself, which has some poetic meaning, one assumes.

With the tagline “Bigger than Goldfinger’s Finger – Bigger Than Thunderball’s …” this is a movie that has no interest in being subtle or politically correct. It does, however, reference past Filipino Eurospy films, as Agent OO’s commanding officer is played by Filipino actor Tony Ferrer, who played Agent X44 in the 1960’s.

At 2’9″, Weng Weng is considered to be the shortest man to star in an action movie. The world is sadder that he is no longer in it. Any movie where the lead spy is referred to as being “cute as a potato” is one for me.

I Think I’m Having a Baby (1981)

While not produced or directed by Dan Curtis, this made for TV movie was produced by his company. It was produced by former actor Joseph Stern, Eda Godel Hallinan and Keetje Van Benschoten.

Directed by Arthur Allan Seidelman — yes, the same man who made Hercules In New York — and written by teen fiction writer Blossom Elfman, this is a movie filled with nascent Hollywood talent.

Jennifer Jason Leigh, Helen Hunt, Tracey Gold and Ally Sheedy are all on hand for about 28-minutes in the hopes that you’ll learn to talk out sex before you have it. As Becca told me that she learned, stop fooling around with boys and just get a bunny instead.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime or the YouTube link below.

Kiss Daddy Goodbye (1981)

This is why I have insomnia. Because I try to sleep, but then I start worrying about being able to pay the bills and what will I do next and how am I going to take care of my wife and then I realize, “Hey! Fabian made a movie with Marilyn Burns from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Marvin Miller, who was the voice of Robbie the Robot…”

And now I’m awake.

Otherwise known as Revenge of the Zombie, this movie was directed by Patrick Regan, who also wrote the lost slasher movie — seriously, someone help me find it, The Farmer. This is his only directing credit, though he did second unit on a bunch of movies, like The Phantom.

It starts his kids — Nell and Patrick — as Beth and Michael Nicholas, psychic kids who have been homeschooled by their dad, Guy. He runs afoul of some bikers, who kill him, so the kids keep him alive Weekend At Bernie’s style so that the Board of Education employee Nora Dennis (Burns) doesn’t put them in an orphanage. Also — Fabian plays a local sheriff, outdoing his work in Disco Fever

Chester Grimes plays the leader of the bikers and if you wanted a biker in the 1980’s, you called Chester. From CHiPs to Electra Glide in BlueThe Rockford FilesPee-wee’s Big AdventureBosom BuddiesThe Garbage Pail Kids Movie and Dragnet, there he is.

And look out! There’s Robert Dryer, who if you watched lots of movies like I do at 4 AM, you’d recognize as Jake from Savage Streets, the titular character in The Borrower and Lord Barak from The Sisterhood.

Is that Jon Cedar from The Manitou as a shady land owner? Yes it is.

Kids that raise dad from the dead, so that he can kill bikers and bury himself in the sand, while Fabian and Sally Hardesty make eyes at one another. Yeah! This movie makes no sense, so I advise you to see it as I did: on a VHS tape uploaded to YouTube with obtrusive Spanish subtitles. Trust me — it makes it all so much better.