Shreck (1990)

No not Shrek.

I don’t know who director Carl Denham is, but he’s not the guy who took King Kong to America. Instead, he’s making a movie about some screenprinting metalheads — my people, to be fair — who bring back Max Shreck — a German soldier who moved to Wisconsin and got gunned down by the cops in the 50s — the man who once owned the home where Roger Drake lives, makes pepperoni swastika pizza and watches old speeches from the war.

If you can make it past ten minutes of metal dudes going on and on about the Third Reich as newsreel footage plays, well, you’re going to be able to get through anything. Once the gore gets here and the wild time travel side story starts, though, this definitely gets better.

Back in high school, there were a lot of edgelords that drew swastikas all over the place and even made them in pottery class. My dad was an art teacher and one day, I remember him finding one in the kiln and instead of just letting it go, he picked it up and smashed it into pieces. I said, “That was someone’s project” and he replied, “You’re never wrong when you’re destroying one of those. Those should never be made again.” I hate that I now live in a world where people think it’s cool to be in groups that respect Hitler’s views and even worse, fly the swastika for dummies, the black and white American flag with that one blue line, like some fascist post-apocalyptic horror rag.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Troll 2 (1990)

There’s this school of thought that Troll 2 is the worst movie ever made.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It doesn’t commit the cardinal sin of a truly bad movie. At no time is it expected, boring or like anything you’ve ever seen before.

It’s not a romantic comedy that you can predict from the first story beat.

Instead, I put forth the argument that this movie is uniquely from its own world and therefore worthy of praise.

Director Claudio Fragasso — Drake Floyd — is no stranger to this site. He started his directing career by working alongside one of the most underappreciated of all Italian exploitation directors, Bruno Mattei, often making two of the same genre movies at the same time on the same set with the same actors like The True Story of the Nun of Monza and The Other Hell or Women’s Prison Massacre and Violence in a Women’s Prison.

Just a quick look through Fragrasso’s resume reveals movies I’ve gone on and on about. He wrote Rats: Night of TerrorDouble TargetStrike CommandoHell of the Living Dead and Zombie 3 while directing Monster DogZombie 4: After DeathBeyond Darkness and Night Killer. Again, most of these movies would appear on worst lists yet I find something magical and fun within each of them.

As you look at the names of those who produced this, you’ll see David Hills. Do not be fooled. This is Joe D’Amato, a man whose Filmirage released movies that made a buck no matter what and cut corners everywhere and I say that with utter devotion.

To realize this story, Fragrasso’s wife Rosella Drudi started the story as a way of expressing her frustration with several of her friends becoming vegetarians. Neither Fragasso nor Drudi spoke fluent English, so their script was broken up into what English they could speak. They would give the cast that script scene by scene and when those actors tried to fix the dialogue, Fragrasso would grow angry. He still gets angry and refers to the actors as dogs (Italian movie slang for bad actors; one can imagine how often Fulci used this word) who lied about their experiences.

The only person who spoke English? Producer D’Amato’s longtime friend and frequent collaborator Laura Gemser. Yes, Black Emanuelle herself.

Can you imagine living in Porterville, Utah in the late 80s and a big international production comes to town and it’s D’Amato, Fragrasso and the most gorgeous and exotic woman you’ve ever seen in your entire life? And she’s there to design the troll costumes?

Well, goblin costumes. Drudi wrote this as Goblins — that’s why Nilbog makes sense — but the American producers changed the name of the movie to try and pass it off as a sequel to Troll. Before you get angry at American capitalism, be aware that D’Amato would follow this by naming both The Crawlers and Quest for the Mighty Sword — which at least recycles one of the troll costumes — as Troll 3.

The production crew was almost all non-English-speaking Italians brought to America by Fragasso, including director of photography Giancarlo Ferrando (All the Colors of the DarkAnd God Said to CainTorsoYour Vice Is A Locked Room and Only I Have the Key, Hands of SteelAmerican Rickshaw), art director Massimo Lentini (The New York RipperThe Beyond), makeup artist Maurizio Trani (Sinbad of the Seven SeasCinema ParadisoZombiDawn of the MummyEmanuelle In America) and assistant director Alessandra Lenzi (High Finance WomanCop TargetHitcher In the Dark), whose Americanized name was Alexandra Humbert and if you didn’t guess, she’s Umberto Lenzi’s daughter.

As for the American cast, they’re a mix of would-be actors, like Michael Stephenson and locals such as George Hardy, a dentist who showed up to have fun and ended up playing one of the main roles in the movie. Or Don Packard, who played store owner Sandy Mahar. He seems like an absolute maniac because, well, he is. He was on a day trip from a nearby mental hospital and had also smoked a ton o marijuana before shooting, so his performance is as real it could be.

So what’s it all about, you may ask?

What isn’t it, I answer.

Michael Waits (Hardy) has always dreamed of being a farmer, so he packs his family up and moves to Nilbog, exchanging homes with the Presents family in a pre-air bnb bit of weirdness. Meanwhile, Grandpa Seth (Robert Ormsby) appears to his son Joshua (Stephenson) and warns him of that goblins wait for him and they plan on eating him and his family. At the same time, his sister Holly (Connie McFarland) is in the midst of dance routines and insinuating that her boyfriend Elliot (Jason Wright) is gay, so he gets all of his friends, packs them in an RV and follows them to Nilbog. On the way, Grandpa appears again as a hitchhiker and tells Joshua that his family will soon be plants that the goblins will devour.

This is literally twenty minutes of this movie and it hasn’t even really become strange yet.

Elliot’s friends Arnold, Drew and Brent are all dispatched whether by poisoned hamburger or drowning in popcorn or, in the case of Arnold, being transformed into a tree by Creedence Leonore Gielgud (Deborah Reed, who went on to be in the makeup department for Dumb and Dumber) and her Stonehenge Magic Stone. She then chainsaws the tree that Arnold becomes and this is presented as a side story and not even part of the plot because the film goes on wild tangents.

As for Elliot and the rest of the family, they all barricade them in the house — after Joshua urinates on their food in an attempt to keep them from eating poisonous goblin ingredients — and have to do a seance with Grandpa Seth for the ten minutes he has left before he returns to the afterlife.

Speaking of that pissing scene, the script called for him to act possessed, jump up on the chair and start screaming. In the documentary about this movie, Best Worst Movie, Stephenson said, “On the day of the shooting, Claudio Fragasso pulls me aside, looks at the script, and says, “Ah, possessed, that bullshit, boring, you stand up, you piss on the table.” Being ten years oldII was thinking, “What?,” but Claudio says, “You don’t worry, you jump on table, you unzip zipper, we cut, piss on table.””

Troll 2 is an odd movie, one that’s about a child’s grief when he loses the first adult in his life and has to come to terms with death, but it’s also about a community of people whose ways haven’t changed for years dealing with outsiders by devouring them. It’s also a horrifying movie because if you take the ending seriously, it’s really dark.

It’s also one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. Just the line readings like “I’m Sheriff Gene Freak” send me into fits of laughter. It’s one thing seeing it at home all alone. Seeing it in a packed theater is just the most wonderful of theatrical moments.

This is a movie where every main actor came to be cast as an extra and got a major part.

When you think about all of that, how can you say that this is a horrible movie? A movie that has brought so much joy? Get over the listicles and so bad it’s good mindset and embrace Italian maniacs running loose in America. This isn’t even Fragrasso’s weirdest movie!

Lanetli kadinlar (1990)

That title means Bloody Mansion Death and A Knife for Seven Cursed Women and man, this movie is… well, it’s something. For one, it looks like a shot on video 1990s adult film but one with no penetration and featuring its entirely female — save for a man in the beginning — cast in lingerie for its entire running time, except when they’re not showering. Is director and writer Kadir Akgün the Turkish Jim Wynorski?

Seven women — a lingerie model (Silver Türk), a sex worker (Ayşin Soylu), a belly dancer (Ayla Tuncer), a homemaker (Hicran) an actress (Hülya Konuk), an ingenue (Figen Aydoğdu) and an ex-wife (Nur İncegül) — have all received the same letter from the same old man banker lover.  They are to come to his mansion and get a gift that’s only for them. What, the lead role in his movie Audra?

When they get there — all by boat, of course — he’s already dead in the bushes. Instead of doing the sensible thing and getting out of there, they all start fighting and then decide to all put on lingerie, which is kind of what you do when you’re a fancy underwear model, but these ladies all have different jobs. They do all shop at Frederick’s and not Victor’s Secret if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Then the news comes on — it uses the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark because of course it does — and then they all get a bloody note: “You are all going to die!” One of them dies quickly and everyone runs outside to get a weapon instead of you know, getting the fuck out of there. They also all put on fresh lingerie.

With each death — by poisoned liquor, by garotte, by poisoned food, by necktie, oh man this killer has just a few tricks until someone else gets shot and another gets stabbed — the girls drag the dead body to a room, cover it with a sheet and keep partying. There’s also a Psycho shower scene that turns sapphic, accompanied by the theme from Jaws.

A Turkish SOV giallo/Sorority House Massacre ripoff with hardcoded Greek subtitles starring big-haired 80s women all screaming at the top of their lungs at one another for forty-five fifth generation video quality minutes until one is killed. Fuck you James Cameron, this is my Avatar 2.

DISMEMBERCEMBER: Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990)

EDITOR’S NOTE: I hope you don’t mind a used gift, because this was first posted on December 24, 2019.

This entry in the Silent Night, Deadly Night series has nothing to do with any of the others, dropping the killer Santa Caldwell brothers for an entirely new plot. It was directed by Brian Yuzna and written by Yuzna, Woody Keith and Arthur Gorson. In the UK, it’s called Bugs, which is a much more descriptive title.

Keith took several of the ideas he had for the movie Society but was unable to get into that movie. Thanks to the miracle of how movies are released, that film came out two years after this one.

Kim Levitt (Neith Hunter, who is also in Less Than Zero and Carnosaur 2) is an aspiring journalist working at the L.A. Eye. Her boss gives breaks to all the guys, including her boyfriend Hank.

However, when she finds a spontaneously combusted body on her sidewalk, she starts her own investigation. That brings her to the bookstore of Fima (Maud Adams, the titular heroine of the James Bond film Octopussy), who gives her a book on feminism and the occult.

On Christmas Eve, Kim spends a rough evening with her boyfriend’s family, dealing with way too many questions and anger about her lack of religious faith. On Christmas Day, she attends a picnic Fima invited her to, where she meets Katherine Harrison (Jeanne Bates, Mrs. X from Eraserhead) and Jane Yanana (Sheeva from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation), who tells her about Adam’s first wife Lilith.

Merry Christmas, huh?

Soon, our heroine’s writing career is going well but she’s eating bugs and drinking weird tea and you know, it’s tannis root all over again. She passes out, only to awaken to Jane, Fima, Katherine, and Li performing a ritual where they cut open a live rat, pulls out some larva and shoves it inside her secret garden. It then comes out of her mouth as a vomited giant roach, which their assistant Ricky (Clint Howard!) slices up and drips all over her face.

The mania continues with her running to her man’s apartment and Ricky following her to stab Hank to death. Her co-worker Janice comes to help  — no she doesn’t she’s in on all this — before taking her back to meet Fima. Janice is played by Allyce Beasley, who you may remember as the secretary from TV’s Moonlighting.

This all leads to the Curse of Lilith, burning bugs, Ricky wiping out a family, an office holiday party and Reggie Bannister from Phantasm playing Eli, the horrible boss. Oh yeah — you also get to watch a gigantic insect eat Clint Howard, which really sounds like the best Christmas gift possible for me. Thank you, everyone involved.

You can watch this for free — with ads — on Tubi.

You can also get it on the Vestron Video Silent Night Deadly Night set which you can buy from Diabolik DVD.

DISMEMBERCEMBER: I Come In Peace (1990)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Did you know Die Hard was a Christmas movie? Shut up. Let’s talk about Dolph Lundgren fighting aliens over the Yuletide. Also not Dolph’s only holiday movie.

We were just discussing this movie as we opened Christmas gifts, because it has a different title now. Over the last few years, people have started referring to it by its original title Dark Angel, which was changed in the U.S. because there were two movies with that title in 1925 and 1935.

Director Craig R. Baxley started his career as a stuntman before moving into stunt coordination and second unit directing. Since then, he’s directed one of my favorite movies no one ever talks about — Stone Cold — as well as Action Jackson and the Stephen King adaptions Storm of the Century, Rose Red, The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer and Kingdom Hospital.

Jack Caine is a rough around the edges cop — he’s Dolph Lundgren, too — who is at war with the White Boys, a gang of white collar drug dealers who do stuff like kill partners and blow up police stations. They’re led by Victor Manning, played by Sherman Howard, who was Bub in Day of the Dead.

Caine is partnered with a by-the-book federal agent named Arwood “Larry” Smith, played by Brian Benben who you may remember from the HBO series Dream On. If you were a teen when there was no internet and you wanted guaranteed nudity.

Meanwhile, an alien drug dealer named Talec has come to Earth to leech out peoples’ brains. He’s portrayed by Matthias Hues, who is related to Engelbert Humperdinck and took over Van Damme’s role for No Retreat, No Surrender 2. He’s being pursued by Azeck, an alien cop. The guy who played him Jay Bilas, is on ESPN as a college basketball announcer, as he played for Duke University and was drafted fifth in the 1986 NBA Draft by the Dallas Mavericks. He was an assistant coach at Duke and is a practicing attorney in North Carolina.

David Ackroyd, who was in the TV movies Exo-Man and The Dark Secret of Harvest Home, plays Smith’s boss. Betsy Brantley (the body model for Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?) is Lundgren’s girlfriend, a coroner who helps him track the alien criminal. Michael J. Pollard has a cameo as a criminal, World Celebrity Chess Champion Jesse Vint (Forbidden WorldDeathsport) is Talec’s first victim and Al Leong shows up too, because he has to in any movie with cops and/or aliens.

Screenwriter David Koepp would move from this movie into some real blockbusters, like Death Becomes HerJurassic ParkCarlito’s WayThe ShadowMission: ImpossibleStir of Echoes (he also directed), Panic RoomSpider-ManIndiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and many more. He’s had an incredibly successful career and it all really got rolling here.

There’s been talk of a sequel for years, but at this point, I think only people like me — and maybe you reading this — would care. That said — I’m there whenever it comes out.

You can watch this on Tubi.

DISMEMBERCEMBER: Home Alone (1990)

Some see this holiday film — directed by Chris Columbus and written and produced by John Hughes — as a seasonal favorite. I see it as a story of bad parenting, exacerbated by the fact that they allowed the same situation to happen a year later, and a child driven to cruelty by the way he has been raised.

The entire horrifying McCallister family is leaving Chicago for Christmas in Paris. Peter (John Heard) and Kate’s (Catherine O’Hara) youngest son Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) is constantly being berated by the entire extended family and ends up having to spend the night in the attic, at which point he tells his mother that he wishes the entire family would disappear. That night, the power goes out, the family nearly misses their flight and Kevin is left home.

Have you ever been in a midwest attic in winter? It’s no place for a child to sleep.

Now Kevin must deal with the Wet Bandits — Harry (Joe Pesci) and Marv (Daniel Stern) — as well as connect Old Man Marley (Roberts Blossom, who was Ezra Cobb in Deranged, a role that’s referenced by how all the kids think he was a serial killer) with his family and his mom must get back home to see her son on Christmas, aided by Gus Polinski (John Candy) and the Kenosha Kickers, the polka kings of the midwest.

Candy did his scenes as a favor and shot all of them in 23 hours, improvising everything, including his tale of leaving one of his kids at a funeral home. Candy was already a big star yet he was only paid $414 for his part, one that kind of makes the movie for me, while this movie made $474 million dollars.

I think it’s funny that Pesci hated being in this movie. He kept telling the crew that his dialogue was not of a quality commensurate with his acting ability and he disliked the early calls — Culkin could not work after ten p.m. — which kept him from playing golf. He also hated that he couldn’t swear on set.

Throughout the movie, Kevin annihilates Harry and Marv, which left Culkin with a scar in a scene and gave Pesci burns to his scalp. Columbus said of these scenes, “Every time the stunt guys did one of those stunts it wasn’t funny. We’d watch it, and I would just pray that the guys were alive.”

I really think that the attacks on the Wet Bandits are so brutal that there’s no way they would survive.

Is that your holiday fun?

Maybe I was too old for this, as my wife love watching it. I just never could get into the fact that Kevin comes from a rich family that can barely take care of him, he frequently magically fixes the lives of old near homeless people and then crushes the dreams of the lower class who have had to resort to crime to survive. I mean, the second movie literally has Kevin interact with Trump and bully the staff of a hotel because he has his father’s credit card. I have no sympathy or worry for him.

The Rift (1990)

Look, the pun is there, but between 1989 and 1990 there really was something in the water, as studios churned out The Abyss, Leviathan, The Evil Below, Lords of the Deep and DeepStar Six all in the span of several months and exploitation directors took notice, particularly Juan Piquer Simón, the man who gifted us with PiecesSlugsSupersonic Man and Cthulhu Mansion.

Released in the U.S. by Trimark and silently executive produced by Dino De Laurentiis — who shh, also produced Leviathan — this may have been the best budget that Simón would ever enjoy. That’s how he got a cast like Jack Scalia, R. Lee Ermey and Ray Wise. I mean, let’s think on that a bit. R,. Lee Ermey went from Francis Ford Coppola in Apcalpyse Now and Kubrick in Full Metal Jacket to the guy who made Pieces. Man, I love movies.

Written by Simón, Mark Coleman (who never did anything else), David Coleman (who directed Southern Shockers and wrote Cthulhu Mansion) and an uncredited British writer Colin Wilson, who wrote the novel Space Vampires that Lifeforce is based on, The Rift is all about Wick Hayes (Scalia), the engineer of the Siren I, a ship that is lost deep in the ocean and must be retrieved by a team that includes Captain Phillips (Ermey), navigation officer Robbins (Wise), a bunch of people doomed to die and, you guessed it, Wick’s ex-girlfriend Nina (Deborah Adair). Also, if you’re wondering, yes Edmund Purdom is in this.

Like The Abyss, there are aliens on the bottom of the ocean. Unlike that movie, this is made the old fashioned way with miniatures and stop motion and you know, I love that. There’s no fancy getting in a gigantic tank and CGI here. Colin Arthur, who did the special makeup effects, has a crazy resume, working on everything from 2001 to On Her Majesty’s Secret ServiceToomorrowThe Abominable Dr. PhibesHorror HospitalZardozKeep It Up Jack, Vampyres, Barry LyndonSinbad and the Eye of the TigerThe AppleChristiane F.Conan the BarbarianThe Fan and Edge of the Axe. That’s seriously the most all over the place career and I love it.

Other effects are by Basilio Cortijo, who worked with Simón on all of his big films, plus Carlo De Marchis who did effects on Yellow Hair and the Fortress of GoldAlienMonster DogHundraDeep Red and A Lizard In a Woman’s Skin. María Luisa Pino, an effects assistant, was the wife of Arthur at the time and beyond working on several films in the effects field, she also was an editor on The Golden Voyage of SinbadThe House By the Edge of the LakeJaguar Lives!The AppleSolarbabies,  Edge of the Axe and Rest In Pieces.

Did the Spanish exploitation film industry get work or what?

Also: If you can’t get Jerry Goldsmith, who did the score for Leviathan, get his son Joel, who did the scores for LaserblastOlivia and Hollywood Hot Tubs.

You can watch this on Tubi.

CAULDRON FILMS BLU RAY RELEASE: American Rickshaw (1990)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is one of my favorite movies of all time by one of my favorite directors. This review was originally on the site on April 8, 2018.

Cauldron is to be celebrated for releasing it. Their release has a 2K restoration from the original camera negative, on-camera interviews with director Sergio Martino and production designer Massimo Antonello Geleng, then and now location footage, The Projection Booth Podcast episode that discusses the movie, commentary with Samm Deighan and Kat Ellinger, and an image gallery. You can get it from MVD.

A rickshaw driver in Miami is protected by an Asian witch when he comes up against a conspiracy involving him being videotaped having sex with a mysterious redhead and it causing the death of the son of a faith-healing televangelist played by Donald Pleasance — all directed by Sergio Martino (Torso, All the Colors of the Dark, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh and so much more)!

This seems like the perfect union of everything I love in movies. It’s pure junk and perfect for 3 AM weekend viewing! Scott (U.S. Olympic Gold Medalist Mitch Gaylord, American Anthem) just wants to get ahead in class and help his roommate with his rickshaw business. But after that aforementioned redhead hooks up with him, all hell breaks loose. Reverend Mortom’s (Pleasance) son Jason was taping the action and Scott flips out, beating the guy’s ass. But soon, Jason ends up getting killed when the boat the action happened on is set ablaze. Soon after, a hitman (Daniel Green, in a role made for George Eastman) comes after Scott, killing his roomie with another inferno.

There’s also an ancient Chinese woman, Madame Luna, who Scott helped with his rickshaw who uses a cobra, a cat and magic to rescue our hero throughout the movie. She also wrote him a letter that he never seems to get to finish. Even after it’s been eaten by rats, her voice still plays in his head when he is near the paper.

The cops are also after Scott, thinking that he’s killed the reverend’s son and his roommate. So our hero goes to the Pink Pussycat and kidnaps the redhead — who we soon learn is Joana Simpson, the girlfriend of the dead man. I should also mention that Scott is pretty much the most moronic asshole to ever be seen as a hero in a film and that’s covering so much territory. Yet even after kidnapping Joana at gunpoint she still likes him and ends up helping him.

Throughout, Martino uses tons of crazy zooms, weird cuts that defy editing logic and everyone is constantly running and grimacing. It’s like a Rob Liefeld comic come to life. And it’s awesome. And by awesome I mean that anyone normal — like Becca — will tell you that this is a shitty movie.

However, let me make my argument. Any movie where Donald Pleasence is an evil televangelist with a warthog statue that is locked in eternal combat with a sorceress directed by my favorite giallo director is going to obsess me. There’s also a shower sex scene where our hero keeps his jeans on, confounding me even further. There’s also a magical key that unlocks the secret of the statue that burns through the killer’s hand. There is also a magical cat. Holy fuck, this movie. I have no idea how anyone would even come up with these concepts.

It turns out that Scott and the reverend’s son were both born on the highest day of the Chinese calendar — 6/6/66 — which means that when Scott says that he wears a tiger t-shirt because he was born in the year of the tiger, he is full of shit. He was born in the year of the horse and American Horse is a much shittier title than American Tiger or American Rickshaw. It’s also the title of a song by the band The Cult, but I think I’m probably the only person who knows or cares about that.

Donald Pleasence comes to attack the Chinese woman, but the cobra and cat attack him before he chokes her. Have you ever heard Pleasence do a Southern accent at the same time that he can’t shake his British voice? You will. I’d say this role was beneath him, but I can also point to so many other films that he was in that are worse.

The killer finally catches up with Scott, who runs across railroad ties and trips — he was an Olympic gymnast — before a semi takes out the killer, who suddenly has a snake come out of his eyeball! Again — this fucking movie!

Scott takes the statue back to Madame Luna, who is young again. The cops listen to Joana, who tells them that Scott is innocent. And the Reverend goes on TV and transforms into a warthog while Luna outs him to the world. Yes, you just read that correctly. Then, his wife screams that he is the devil and shoots him as everyone watches the warthog under his skin emerge. “He was the devil!” she screams as the cops matter of factly lead her away. A man just turned into a giant bloody pig. This should be a much bigger deal than the way the cops behave.

Just watch this trailer and wonder, “How could a movie like this be created and no one is constantly talking about it?” When I hear people complain that they’re bored and hate the world, it’s movies like this that I point them to.

MVD REWIND COLLECTION BLU RAY RELEASE: Ski Patrol (1990)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was originally on the site on May 8, 2020. MVD has just released it on blu ray with a high definition (1080p) presentation of the main feature in 1.85:1 aspect ratio. You also get the original trailer, reversible artwork and limited edition slipcover. Order it from MVD.

Rich Correll was Richard Rickover on Leave It to Beaver and helped Harold Lloyd preserve his film as a teen, a role he still works on. He’s directed tons of TV, like a hundred episodes of Hanna Montana. He also produced the Police Squad! TV series and worked with Police Academy‘s Paul Maslansky to make this somewhat forgotten 1990 teen comedy.

Ray Walston and Martin Mull are the grown-up good and bad guys in this story of a ski lodge being sold to make a mall, because in 1990 malls and avarice were things, not that they aren’t things right now.

George Lopez and Paul Feig — yes, the very same man who would make Freaks and Geeks and less famously, the 2016 Ghostbusters  — make early appearances.

This was released the same year as Ski School, which got a sequel, while this movie had none of its planned follow-ups.

There’s a wacky guy who has multiple faces thanks to a mask that allows him to continually talk to himself. That’s pretty much the highlight of this film. I’d like to say that these are a genre in and out of themselves, but seeing as how this is posted during a week of Police Academy ripoffs, I can tell you that they are basically beach movies, which are the same thing as Porky’s movies, which are the same thing as Meatballs ripoffs, which are also all really Animal House ripoffs.

I still watch every single one of them.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 29: Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout (1990)

29. EXERCISE OR EXORCISE?: You’ll work it out…

In case you ever wonder what life is for and why you’re here and get depressed or anxious, worry not. You live in the reality that produced Linnea Quigley and whatever made this all should be thanked. I’m not really religious but if I were to ever start a church, it would probably be one where we all watched this video and just stared at the tracking lines growing around this VHS wonder, a workout tape punctuated by jokes, zombies and synth. I mean, if you want to believe in God, just stare into the eyes of Linnea Quigley, listen to her bubbly voice and watch her kick here legs over her head while working out in a studded bra.

Ken Hall, who directed and wrote this, also made Evil Spawn and The Halfway House. He also made creatures for CrittersGhoulies, the Bio-Monster in BiohazardCarnosaur, the creatures in Willy’s Wonderland and wrote Dr. Alien and Nightmare Sisters. He’s not in the Criterion Collection but belongs somewhere more important, in the video store shelves of our wildest and fondest dreams.

Nobody watches this to work out. I mean, what other exercise video has its host murder every single other woman in it and then threaten you for jerking off to her films? I mean, this starts with a shower scene and ends with Linnea cooking human parts while dressed in lingerie that Frederick’s of Hollywood would say is too ridiculous.

Linnea shot this in her parent’s house and man, if you don’t love her after that, what is wrong with you?

You can watch this on Tubi.