I had no good expectations of this movie, as movies from the 90s by Sergio Martino — Foxy Lady, La regina degli uomini pesce, Mozart is a Murderer — have been a mixed bag. Most of the reviews online were pretty rough on it as well. And then I remembered — you alone judge whether or not a movie is a success. It is only a success to you, the viewer, if you enjoy it.

And I loved this.

Also known as Foxy Lady and Spiando Marina (Spying Marina), this is a movie about Mark (Steve Bond, Picasso Trigger), a hitman who was once a cop until the death of his wife and son. The only thing that keeps him connected to humanity is his obsession with the sex worker who lives next door, Marina (Debora Caprioglio, who was the star of Tinto Brass’ Paprika).

Then she loses a snake in his apartment and ends up in his bed playing with it. I guess that’s the kind of meet cute you get in a giallo or an erotic thriller, which this is closer to. And Mark, well, he was a bad cop on the take to organized crime and that’s why his wife and child had to die.

Of course, these two escaping their lives is going to be impossible. All they’ll ever get are the stolen moments, quick bursts of physical passion and then violence is going to make its way in-between their story.

That said, I wish I could report that this was the same kind of film that Martino effortlessly created back in the 1972. You can blame Steve Bond for being a hangdog void from which no charisma can be unleashed. Perhaps it’s the music by Luigi Ceccarelli, which is hilariously from some other movie — or it seems that way — and not what we’re currently watching. Or you could blame the script by Martino and Piero Regnoli (who also wrote Voices from Beyond and Demonia for Fulci as well as Malombra, Sword of the Barbarians, Burial Ground and Patrick Still Lives. Or you can perhaps find fault in Martino’s skills. Maybe he felt the same way, as he used the name George Raminto for this.

That said, you can’t blame Debora Caprioglio. Not to be one of those dudes that leeringly wants to talk to you more about scream queens or Hammer girls, but if you’re a lover of women — or can appreciate the female form — she just might convince you that there is a Grand Designer to all of our world. Also: she dated Klaus Kinski when he was in his sixties and she was 18. Also also: In this movie it feels like she’s at war with clothes and hates them to the point that she should never be in them.

This was shot by Giancarlo Ferrando, who has endured filming some of the roughest entries in filmdom, including Troll 2, Devil Fish, A Bear Named Arthur (the only movie Martino said that he ever lost money on) and Detective School Dropouts. But you know me. I kind of love all of those movies.

Dario Argento signed on to direct a movie called Yellow, which was written by Jim Agnew and Sean Keller. Intended as a pastiche of the giallo genre Argento was so well known for, the film changed its name to, well, Giallo. That’s just the start of the problems.

The original cast was Ray Liotta, Vincent Gallo and Asia Argento, but Gallo and Argento didn’t part from their engagement on the best of terms. A year later, the cast had changed to have Adrien Brody take on Liotta and Gallo’s parts and Emmanuelle Seigner taking over for Asia. He was also dating another co-star, Elsa Pataky, but they broke up the same year this was made.

I guess this movie isn’t as awkward as when he had on dreadlocks and spoke in a racist accent to introduce Sean Paul on Saturday Night Live but it’s close.

Flight attendant Linda (Seigner) and detective Enzo Avolfi (Brody) work together to find Linda’s younger sister Celine (Pataky) who ha been taken by a serial killer in an unlicensed can who goes by the name Yellow. He drugs, mutilated and kills these women, but not before taking the photos he will use to get off to later.

As they hunt for Yellow, Enzo reveals that he became a cop after his mother was killed by a butcher. After he got revenge, he was raised by Inspector Mori (Robert Miano) to use his skills for good. You know, like Dexter. Also, the killer might literally be yellow because of liver disease, exactly like Sin City or the remake of Black Christmas.

It’s a simple idea to contrast cop and murderer, showing both of their origins and motivations, which is even more obvious because Brody plays both characters. Brody did double work here and didn’t get paid for any of it, which led to him suing and getting the movie’s release stopped. He eventually got paid.

Now, two Americans making a giallo script and getting Argento to direct it could have been great but this just feels uninspired. I’ve read others try and explain how this is 21st century Argento and his new take and you shouldn’t expect the same greatness as the 70s and early 80s, but I don’t think anyone expected that this would be below the level of even bottom lever neo-gialli and feel closer to torture porn than a genre that if he didn’t invent, he certainly perfected. I feel the same way when people make excuses for modern day Metallica.  Two of those guys once wrote “Trapped Under Ice.” And Dario once made Deep Red and Tenebre, which for me are two of the most essential gialli.

The idea of the cab driver being a killer is like if Suspiria ended with Suzy Bannion dead before she ever got to the school. I know that Argento is playing with our expectations here but then he does something really rough. He doesn’t come close to reaching those expectations.

I always think about how much Argento and De Palma are alike. Argento hammers that point home because Yellow — played by Byron Diedra, get it? — has so many latex pieces that he looks as ridiculous as the killer in Body Double. Except, you know, Body Double is actually pretty good.

You can watch this on Tubi where it’s called Color of Fear. The title does not help at all.

The daughter of a lawyer, Ripa di Meana opened a fashion boutique in Piazza di Spagna, Rome soon after she finished college. The shop was a place where influential women of high society shopped as a result, Ripa di Meana became involved with the leading figures of the day, whether they be political, artistic, diplomatic or in the media. Famous for her political beliefs about animal cruelty and environmentalism, she was a frequent guest on TV panel shows and even acted in one movie, the sixth chapter in the Nico Giraldi film series that starred Tomas Milan, Sergio Corbucci’s 1979 film Assassinio sul Tevere. She never did again, as she hated being commanded, or so she said.

Beyond being a gossip columnist, she also wrote 14 books including four autobiographical books, I miei primi quarant’anni (My First Forty Years), La più bella del reame (The Most Beautiful in the Realm), Invecchierò Ma Con Calma (I Will Grow Old But Calmly) and Colazione al Grand Hotel (Breakfast at the Grand Hotel). The first two of those books were made into movies starring Carol Alt. The first was written and directed by Carlo Vanzina, who also made Nothing Underneath and the second was directed and written by Cesare Ferrario, who made The Monster of Florence.

When she directed and wrote this movie, it was pretty controversial, as she received public funds from the Ministry of Cultural Heritage and Activities, allegedly through personal friendships. That’s one of the reasons why it tops Italian lists of the worst movies ever. Wired Italy listed it along with Robot Monster, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Frankenstein Island, Disaster Movie, Cross of the 7 Jewels, Box Office 3D, Alex l’ariete, Plan 9 from Outer Space and Troll 2.

Writer Gabriel Nigla said, “Ripa Di Meana ‘s debut (and only film) as a director is a rambling product, the result of those who not only don’t understand how narration works, but have also seen few films in their own lives. History of women, violence and feminism makes all possible mistakes. A sampling of bad examples.”

Eva Grimaldi (Obsession: A Taste for Fear) is a recently divorced woman named Alma who falls for a male exotic dancer named Brian (Brando Giorgi) whom her friends have hired for her twenty-fifth birthday. She also has to deal with her ex-mother-in-law Milli (Anita Ekberg) who thinks that she has ruined her son’s life and now she wants revenge. Alma and Brian decide to jump on his motorcycle and get out of town,  but they’re soon followed by his jealous ex-lover Marilyn (Florence Guérin, Profumo, Too Beautiful to Die).   They try to hide out with Brian’s sister  Esmerelda (Apollonia Kotero) but now so many people are following them.  that it starts to feel like Benny Hill does giallo because Brian is soon killed and the hunt is on for a new man for Alma.

What blows my mind is that the cast for this movie is filled with talent. Were they worried that Ripa di Meana had some dirt on them? Why is Burt Young in this?  How about Debbie Lee Carrington, Thumbelina from Total Recall? Most importantly, at least to my state of mind, is how did Kid Creole end up in so many movies, particularly two incredibly strange Italian films of this era? He was also in Obsession: A Taste for Fear around this same time. Stranger still, Kid Creole did a song “Not Yet” with Grimaldi five years after this movie.

This movie makes no sense and you should only watch it if you’re obsessed with Italian genre films and movies that somehow unite the weirdest casts.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Sergio Martino made four movies in 1983: two comedies with Gigi Sammarchi and Andrea Roncato (Acapulco, prima spiaggia… a sinistra and Se tutto va bene siamo rovinati), the post-apocalyptic 2019: After the Fall of New York and this movie. The title would be the ingredients for a witch’s spell: Eye, evil eye, parsley and fennel. Each of the stories star one of two comedy starts, either Lino Banfi or Johnny Dorell.

In the first story, “The Hair of Disgrace,” Altomare Secca (Banfi) owns an appliance store and plenty of problems, from a wife (Milena Vukotic, Andy Warhol’s Dracula) that has no interest in him and a daughter (Gegia) marrying a man that he hates. Then, one day, Corinto Marchialla (Mario Scaccia, the faith healer from The Antichrist) moves next door and Altomare believes that the man is the cause of all that has gone wrong in his life. His wife tells him to visit the King of the Occult (Franco Javarone), who advises him that he must take the hair from Marchialla’s wife Ludovica (Dagmar Lassander) to remove his bad luck.

Altomare keeps trying to remove all of the hair but the Malocchio, or evil eye, is still on him. It even causes his mistress Helen (Janet Agren, Hands of Steel) to leave him. Can he escape the spell that is on him?

The second story, “The Magician,” is about Gaspar the Magician (Dorelli), who wants to escape the life — and maybe the wife (Adriana Russo, Nightmare In Venice) — that he is in. A witch who is over three hundred years old, Marquise Del Querceto (Paola Borboni, who acted in nine decades of Italian cinema) promises him great power if he can get her pistachio ice cream. This transforms him into a magician able to even make it rain. Yet all the power has gone to his head and he has forgotten to get the witch the ice cream she asked for before her death. This story also has an appearance by Italian magician Silvan, who also performed card trucks under his real name, Aldo Savoldello, in Blonde In Black Leather.

Comedy is hard and often, Italian comedy is hard for American audiences to watch. Beyond the giallo that he was known for by American genre lovers, Martino made plenty of these movies.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Captive starts with a very simple premise: a group of hard-partying stoners — Ashley (Scout-Taylor Thompson from Bury the Bride, Getaway, Star Light, Get the Girl and oh yes, Rob Zombie’s Halloween movies), her boyfriend Luke (Michael Lovato), Crystal (Taise Lawrence), Mallory (Christina Robinson, Dexter), Claire (Katalina Parrish), Ed (Ryan Stajmiger), Alex (Alex Gopal) and Teddy (Timothy Chivalette) — break into a house where they start smoking, drinking and screwing. You know, everything else that gets you killed in a horror movie.

How much trouble are they asking for? Well, someone grabs an Ouija board and literally says, “Let’s fuck with some ghosts!”

Then they hear some noises in the basement and instead of leaving, everyone goes down to see what is going on.

Everyone should be dead by now.

I mean, we already saw a jogger (Kevin Chambers) get stalked in the beginning. We know something bad is about to happen. Do not tempt fate any more than you have to.

Or do, because otherwise, we wouldn’t have a movie.

In the basement, the gang finds Drake (Cody Frank) chained to the wall, begging to be let loose. He says that a couple picked him up hitchhiking but they took him back here and attacked him, leaving him captive inside their house. 

Only Ashley argues that they should free Drake. She wins over the group and all of a sudden, the mystery, poetry and excitement that she craved stops passing her by, because Drake is, well, if not a vampire — there’s a spoiler coming– pretty close. He quickly bites into her throat and introduces her to the ways of hunting and killing your friends for sustenance.

In the middle of all of these people getting chowed down and drank, the gang decides to throw a party. As bands rock out and bass beats wobble — or whatever it is that they do — Ashley and Drake do their best impersonation of a blood rave. Crystal and Mallory grab a crucifix and a stake, but can they defeat two undead creatures consumed with an unquenchable thirst for blood?

Look for Brendan Fehr from The Amityville Curse and Roswell in this as well as the person who owns this house.

The highlight for me was someone’s mom showing up to the party and immediately being eaten.

Best of all, this dips into The Monster Club playbook* and — spoiler — has Drake and Ashley be a strigoi, which in Romanian mythology would be a troubled spirit that rises from the grave and which was the original inspiration from Bram Stoker to make Dracula. In this movie, they have two hearts, need sunglasses during the day and aren’t stop by religious implements.

Director Gregg Simon (the TV series Blood Drive) and writer Travis Seppala have put together a quick-moving horror movie that sets you up for plenty of mayhem and delays just slightly before giving you all the red stuff. Cinematographer Jordi Ruiz Maso has a good eye for capturing the action and the addition of Bava-esque reds and blues to the credits and kill scenes ramps up the killing scenes.

There’s also a strong soundtrack with bands like WE WERE SUPERHEROES, DRAG, Chicago trumpeter Mitch Manker, Pittsburgh native Barak Shpiez, Matlock, L for Victory, Thomas Dekker (the voice of Littlefoot from The Land Before Time sequels and John Connor on the TV Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles? It seems so!), Glen Ballard (who co-wrote Jagged Little Pill), Brad Apodaca (with director Gregg Simon on one song) and Harley Poe.

For a movie that started back in 2020, this seemed to have a long path to its home on Tubi. It’s a good bite of cinematic junk food that’ll get you through a late night looking for something to watch while, well, as baked as the cast.

*”First we have the primate monsters, vampires, werewolves and ghouls – but everyone knows about those. Now pay attention: A vampire and a werewolf would produce a werevamp. A werewolf and a ghoul would produce a weregoo. A vamire and a ghoul would produce a vamgoo. A weregoo and a werevamp would produce a shaddy. A weregoo and a vamgoo would produce a maddy. A werevamp and a vamgoo would produce a raddy. If a shaddy were to mate with a raddy or a maddy, it would result in a mock (which frankly, is just a polite name for a mongrel). Just remember the basic rules of monsterdom: Vampires suck, werewolves hunt and ghouls tear. Shaddies lick, maddies yawn and mocks blow. Oh but a Shadmock, which is the result if a mock were to mate with any other hybrid, whistles – and they don’t do it very often. Now the humegoo, which is a cross between a ghoul and a human being, don’t really do anything interesting but they do have an unfortunate appetite for carrion (which they get, of course, from the ghoul side of the family). It must be noted that although monsters can mate with human beings, the results are almost always disastrous. Any questions?”

You can watch this on Tubi. You can learn more at the official site.

Directed by Matthew Thompson, who co-wrote the script with star Nicole Du Bois, Magic Carpet Rides is all about the love life — and often lack thereof — of Callie (Du Bois), a social media influencer who continually wonders why she can’t find the right guy, yet mostly goes out with guys who high five her when they get their own Uber home or who text her in the middle of the night asking for photos. One night walking home from a bar — her phone died and no one waited for her — she runs into Leo (Matthew Law), a man with no phone who lives a very different existence from her. Seeing as how this is a romantic comedy, of course opposites attract. Yet it’s getting there that tells the tale.

Callie and Leo have anything but a meet cute. She’s going to the bathroom in one corner of an alley, he in another. They even cross the streams accidentally. When his motorcycle breaks down, he has to walk home near her, which they argue over. He’s obviously a nice guy, as he makes sure she gets home safe. But he’s so different from Callie that he fascinates her.

Callie lives with social influencers, all of whom can barely talk to one another without bringing up brands they’ve been paid to promote. Leo lives on a boat, a place where he works on other ships, takes tourists out for cruises and brings home random women to give one memorable night before never seeing them again.

Both of them aren’t really ready to bring someone else into their self-centered lives. Yet maybe together they can navigate the world in a more authentic way. I say that until Callie starts streaming her love life to get followers who start to obsess over #boatguy and even cancel her when they catch them arguing.

Magic Carpet Rides has two leads that you want to see work it out, a supporting cast that offers some moments of fun and a script that sure, you’ve seen before, but it’s told in such a quick and innocuous way that you’ll end up enjoying the short time that you spent with this movie.

You can watch this on Tubi.