In the seventh installment of Cybela Clare’s explosive series of alien exposes, Peabody Award-winning journalist Linda Moulton Howe, JFK experts Robert Morningstar and Jim Marrs, and psychic CEO Sebastien Martin have come together to explain why President John F Kennedy was killed.

One reason may be that he wanted to share the government’s most highly classified secret with the American people. That’s right. Kennedy wanted to tell everyone about aliens.

Ten days later after he made this decision, he was assassinated. Partially burnt documents, rescued from the fireplace of deceased counter-intelligence chief James Jesus Angleton are the proof.

Or so this movie says.

I’ve watched so many documentaries about Kennedy and this reminds me of when I read William Cooper’s Behold a Pale Horse, the book from which it seems so many conspiracy theories have come. Cooper wrote that Kennedy was assassinated because he was about to reveal that extraterrestrials were in the process of taking over the Earth, so he was killed by William Greer, the driver of the presidential limousine using a gas-powered device. He even said that the Zapruder film shows Greer turning to look into the back seat of the vehicle before firing the fatal shot.

As for Cooper himself, he went on to claim that the U.S. government had carried out the Oklahoma City bombing and was using remote mind-control devices to establish the New World Order. He also felt that he was being personally targeted by President Bill Clinton and the Internal Revenue Service. In 1998, federal authorities charged Cooper with tax evasion and bank fraud. They waited three years to serve him, as they were worried about what would happen.

In November of 2001, a 17-officer operation started with two sheriff’s deputies trying to lure Cooper away from his home and stockpile of weapons. When they identified themselves, he opened fire and almost made in back inside his house before he was shot and killed.

Cooper’s theory of JFK was even used in an episode of The X-Files, “Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man,” which used his phrase silent weapons for quiet wars. Depending on how deep you go, that could be disinfo. This documentary could be too.

I refuse to tell you how deep I go.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Hans Holzer’s The Amityville Curse was one of several books that the author and parapsychologist wrote about 112 Ocean Avenue (Murder In Amityville, Amityville II: The Possession and The Secret of Amityville are the others). They’re based on the time that he and spiritual medium Ethel Meyers spent in the house. She claimed that it had been built on top of an ancient Native American burial ground and the angry spirit of Shinnecock Indian Chief Rolling Thunder was the entity that had possessed Ronald Defeo Jr. when he killed his family.

This claim was denied by the Amityville Historical Society, as the Montaukett Indians, were the actual tribe that settled the area.

That didn’t stop Holzier from writing more books.

In 1990, The Amityville Curse was filmed as part of a series of Canadian Amityville movies. After purchasing a property in Amityville, Debbie and Marvin invite three of their closest friends to help renovate the place. Of course, things go horribly wrong and nearly everyone dies. I’d recommend all three of these films, which also include Amityville: A New Generation and Amityville: It’s About Time over any of the modern cash-in Amityville movies.

Now, Tubi has purchased a remake of The Amityville Curse from Incendo, the same folks who made Terror Train for the network. It was also produced by author — and Hanz’s daughter — Alexandra Holzer, who they said is contributing to the movie to pay “tribute to continuing the authenticity and legacy of her father’s work.”

She appears in the new series Amityville: An Origin Story as well as The Holzier Files,  Shattered Hopes: The True Story of the Amityville Murders and Famously Haunted: Amityville which is also on Tubi.

The movie begins with Mrs. Moriarty (Felicia Shulman) leaving a note and hanging herself. The movie jumps to three months later and a group of young people moving into the Amityville house. Billie Montenouvo (Mercedes Morris), Abigail Blaine (Tommie-Amber Pirie), Debbie Klein (Vanessa Smythe) and Lucy Davis (Jenny Raven) are trying to fix up the property and flip it so they can all make money. Debbie is the most driven of them and minutes after starting to unpack, she’s nearly killed by a falling mirror that Abigail shoves her out of the way of.

Lucy is obsessed with the history of the house, often listening to podcasts about what happened to the previous owners. Billie refuses to believe in ghosts while the others are open minded. That said, these girls are going to kill each other before the house gets fixed up.

When Abigail goes downstairs to fix a short, she freaks out when Frank (Dillon Casey) surprises her. They’re a couple but Billie and Lucy are, as are Debbie and Marv (Michael Xavier), a professor. But back to Frank. Why would he try to freak out his girlfriend in the infamous red room of the house? Why would you get high down there?

Meanwhile, Debbie falls over some books. You shouldn’t be clumsy in a haunted house.

You should also not have sex dreams about your friend’s boyfriend, as Abigail has a fantasy of Marv and sees Debbie show up with a shotgun. Then Frank comes back for another jump scare. Don’t get too attached to him, because he shows up dead at his own hand pretty quickly. Lucy wonders if it was the house,

Then, everyone discusses their finances. I am watching an Amityville movie that makes me consider that I won’t have this mortgage paid off until I am 78 years old. I will be dead and haunting this house before that happens.

After all this tragedy, why would Abigail allow podcaster Ben Holloway (Kenny Wong) to be in the house? This house is his holy grail and after all that drama, Debbie tells Abigail that she and Marv are fighting. The house is trending on Ben’s show Haunted Holloway, which isn’t helping anyone if they want to make enough money to sell this house. Everyone decides to let Ben stay and learn more about the house, but within like an hour he’s running in fear. And then a car hits him. Then he’s dead.

Lucy and Billie are fighting over the restaurant they own, adding more financial issues to this movie. The voices get to Billie, who decides to get into the bathtub fully clothed and bring a hairdryer into the water. Everyone breaks the door down and they find her dead.

So we have a podcaster down, two of the friends and no one is just leaving the house behind. This all proves to me that this is an Amityville movie. I would assume at any time they will either grab a spirit board or call a priest.

This is also very close to the idea of the original movie, except that no one has been killed with a nailgun yet. Also: nailguns are horrible weapons that don’t work like they do in the movies.

Reverend Marion (Ennis Esmer) shows up to tell Lucy that the soil outside is contaminated by all the Satanic rituals that happened in the past. She worries that Billie’s soul is trapped in the house, so he gives her a cross and starts going through the house and leaving symbols in chalk on the walls.

Meanwhile, Marv refuses to believe in the occult, even after three people have died — two on the same day — in the house. Then, you know, you’ve got a priest on a ladder writing on the walls while the lights are flicking on and off. A priest telling a bunch of scared people that the devil himself is toying with them before writing “die die die” on the walls and falling off a stepstool and snapping his leg like Sid Vicious when he jumped off the middle rope during the WCW Sin PPV.

Oh man — that’s when it all comes out, that Marv used to date Abigail before Debbie — who at the time of this revelation is looking at a cartoon drawing of Ron Defeo Jr. killing his family while a voice says “second best” — accuses them of having an affair and starts playing with a knife which she uses to slice her stomach open. And…she’s dead.

At times, this movie looks way too brightly lit with way too sharp digital camera work and other times, it appears to look like an honest to goodness film. Contrast the look of Debbie stabbing herself with the graveyard scene directly after, which looks really blue in tone and really gorgeous. It doesn’t seem to go together well, to be honest, but I notice this often in modern films, particularly streaming ones.

That’s when Doctor Harrison Cole (Brendan Fehr, Roswell, Final Destination), who Marv has battled and called a ghostbuster, comes to help with a seance and as you can imagine, Marv gets possessed by the house. Harrison keeps telling them it’s not a demon, even when it’s strangling him, but if a group of people were ever less prepared to fight the forces inside this house, I haven’t seen them.

That’s when Marv runs outside and near instantly finds a skull with a stab wound in it. Somehow, that causes Marv and Abigail to come together — literally — to hook up in the kitchen, getting caught by Lucy. The two have a woman to woman conversation about it before going to the cemetery to talk to Billie as she lies in the grave, telling her that she’s closing their restaurant.

Somehow, this brings Dr. Cole back, who gets to hear Marv speak in a demonic voice just as Abigail finds that letter that was being written — from the Moriarty family — at the beginning of the movie. As they read “This house killed my husband. It’s finally killed me…it will kill you too,” you can see Dr. Cole try to warn them just as he brains the college parapsychologist with a shovel, telling them to call 911. The phones don’t work because, well, this is Amityville.

I did laugh out loud when Lucy is stuck trying to keep Marv out while Abigail pours paint thinner all over the house to set it on fire. He’s outside screaming like Marky Mark in Fear while Abigail runs around. She yells for Abigail to get back. Abigail says, “We need to burn this house to the ****ing ground!” and just goes off while poor Lucy looks back and yells, “***k you you ****ing bitch! No one ever listens to me!” It’s the most real part of this entire movie and exactly what would happen, an honest bit of just plain frustration in the face of dealing with home improvement and the supernatural danger all around them.

Marv somehow just teleports into the house and sends Lucy into the basement, where she can hear her dead lover calling to her. At the same time as she struggles to release her, Marv is throwing Abigail all over the house and speaking in a demon voice and flickering like a post-J horror ripped off for America possessed person. She reponds by treating him like a Fulci victim — we don’t see the gore — and as he comes down the steps after her, she whac-a-moles him with a sledgehammer and then we get the squirting blood and some fun sound design. But ah, it’s all a ruse, as everyone in the house has gone to the side of the devil.

The movie closes at the graves — I won’t tell you who lives — with a discussion between the survivor and the limping priest. He asks why they stayed. The reply? “Because there’s nothing wrong with the place. It’s just a ****ing house.” The priest gets in the car and Dr, Cole says, “That house must be destroyed.” He’s still alive, somehow, and so is the priest, so are we getting Amityville: A New Generation 2023?  

Because as you know, the devil has me in a curse where I must watch every Amityville movie.

It’s true.

Check out the Letterboxd list and article.

Directed by Eric Tessier and written by Dennis Heaton (who also wrote Fido), this is actually just fine. But seriously, at this stage of the game, if you’re making an Amityville movie, you need to be more than fine. You need to reclaim whatever this franchise — is it even a franchise? — is and go absolutely wild. The only movies that feel like they’ve done this in the series are my beloved Amityville II: The Possession, a bit of Amityville 3D, Amityville: It’s About Time — I could almost use that title now to describe how these movies have been now instead of then, it’s about time for a good one! — and the In the Hood films.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Directed by Paul Dale and Austin Frosch, who wrote the movie, also worked with most of the same cast on Sewer Gators. When her grandmother dies, all Abby (Manon Pages) inherits is a kite, one her brother Brian (Charlie Early) instantly knows is an occult tool of the Third Reich, much like the haunted merry-go-round horse in CarousHELL. Some will think this is ridiculous, but I’ve been through Amityville movies where a haunted lamp, clock and stuffed monkey unleash supernatural evil.

A hungry for breakfast Oracle (Zach Lee) shows up in her kitchen and tells her to not look any deeper into the kite. Of course, she does, and you can imagine how that goes. Soon, a computer-animated kite is destroying anyone who wants to attend a bread festival and live to tell about it.

You’re either going to get what the filmmakers are going for or think that this is the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen. I’m not usually a fan of movies made to be ridiculous instead of somehow achieving that on their own, but I enjoyed the humor that Killer Kites attempts. I mean, look at the tagline: Not the scariest movies…but it’s up there.

You can get the movie on blu ray and VHS here.

Elise (Karen Abercrombie), a grandmother hurt by her past, and Patrick (Leon Pridgen), a widowed pastor have given up on love. But can faith bring them together?

Directed by Joanne Hock and written by Tara Lynn Marcelle and star and executive producer Karen Abercrombie, this is the first time I’ve seen Dallas star Charlene Tilton in a movie for some time.

This is a Pure Flix release, so if you’re not into faith movies, consider this before watching.

Elise is devoted to her grandson Derek (Jemarcus Kilgore) and her store Moxie. Pastor Patrick is just as concerned with those who worship at his church. It seems that neither has time for a relationship. However, the congregation decides to use technology to get the two of them together.

I realize that the majority of my site is devoted to martial arts, giallo, Jess Franco and the sleazier side of film. Consider this a refreshing break where we watch a movie that is meant for families and those that are trying to do the right thing.

I also enjoyed that the film didn’t make fun of faith, as well as having a cast that is racially diverse without calling it out. It’s a nice thing to see in films, especially religious themed movies.

You can get the Mill Creek DVD release of Heaven Sent from Deep Discount.

After being compromised during a mission gone wrong, an international assassin named Walker (Daniel Stisen ) is sent to Reassignment Center 42. There, he’ll get a new identity and be able to erase any trace of his last job and even his past.

However, a ruthless team of operatives led by Keates (Samantha Schnitzler) storms the secure compound forcing Walker to team up with an elite hitwoman named Elda (Lauren Okadigbo) and her mysterious charge Juliet (Yennis Cheung).

Who will survive The Siege?

Directed by Brad Watson and written by Nicole Bartlett, this is a movie mostly cast with stunt performers, which means that it’s all action from literally the first few minutes. You’re not coming to a movie like this for emotional resonance. You want to see people fire guns, do ill-advised stunts and beat the stuffing out of one another. I’m happy to report that this movie delivers more of that than you’ll find in probably ten other movies.

If video stores still existed on the scale of the past, this is the kind of movie that people would rent and be really surprised how much they liked it. They’d say, “I watched this movie with this super muscular dude getting in all these fights, two women had a brutal brawl and man, some dude used pliers to take the teeth from all the people he killed. It was pretty awesome.”

It is pretty awesome.

You can get The Siege on blu ray from Well Go USA.

After a quick and passionate few weeks of dating, Rafer (John Clarence Stewart) and Suzie (Marija Juliette Abney, Dora Milaje from the Black Panther movies) get married. At first, they like the freedom that they give one another, he for guy night and she for therapy. However, that’s not the truth. Both of them have a secret that will either destroy them both or bring them together forever.

Rafer tells his wife that he works at Red Light Insurance with Travis (Christian Campbell), but the truth is that he’s a killer for money, being given targets by a mysterious agency that sees all. He’s worried that Suzie is cheating on him, which he seemingly confirms when he catches her making out with a man in the back alley of a bar. The truth? She’s a serial killer, killing men who date rape women and cutting off the lobe of their left ear as a trophy.

Meanwhile, Detective Jane Flough (Summer Crockett Moore) and Detective Bob Reyes (Manny Perez) find that their cases are matching up as they find several bodies of men missing their lower left ear. As they get closer to Suzie — whose revelation has bonded her closer to Rafer — Detective Flough learns that her marriage is suffering as she keeps so much of her work from her partner.

Directed and written by Tony Glazer, A Killer Romance is one of the better Tubi originals that I’ve seen. There are people with actual problems in this, real feeling people in an unreal story of murder and contract killing. When Rafer keeps his life from his wife, he starts to destroy the trust that she had given him. You know, you may not be a killer and your wife might not murder men, but there are some relationship lessons that you can learn from this movie.

I also really dug Tao (Suo Liu), the philosophical agent who explains to our heroes that they have something that very few people will ever find and yet, he still must slice them to pieces. Yet because they have awakened a love for killing that has broken through the sadness and ennui he’s been experiencing, he feels that he must thank them. Between that and the random serial killer artwork that pops up in the background, A Killer Romance — originally called To Have and To Hold — has the right quirks, as well as solid cinematography from Tiffany Armour-Tejada and even giallo-style lighting in the bar scenes, that make it break out from the pack of been there, done that movies.

I kind of love when Tubi doesn’t even hide that they’re owned by Fox so you stop watching them and puts on shows like this that totally would have once aired on a Saturday afternoon on FX or Fox or one of their many, many channels.

This is so new that despite it airing on the channel starting today, there are no credits on IMDB. Obviously, with Netflix asking for your password so your mom, sister and girlfriend don’t have it and MAX being the mess you knew it would be, things are looking pretty good for Tubi.

You know, as long as my morality doesn’t get in the way and I sit back and realize that the fun streamer that has an Italian Giallo and Horror category has created the death cult of brain dead people stomping on Pride shippers at Target, because that’s the real problem and not the fact that a kid got shot in front of a school today and the shooter kept punching him after or that we enable oligarchs and tech-spending manchildren and man, if we take this show literally, the Scariest Places In America is just cities in Florida for 90 minutes. Orlando? Terrifying. Tallahassee? Bone chilling. Ocala? I just pissed myself.

Anyways. Off the soap box and time to talk about ghost chasing.

Written by Savannah Lucas (who was also behind Love You to Death: The Jodi Arias Story and Suburban Nightmare: JonBenét Ramsey) and narrated by Jake Hart, this is the kind of down and dirty doc that lists where its music and stock footage came from in the credits but not any of the people who are the talking heads in this, which makes them much like the people in four hour horror movies about movies that say things like, “Really, it’s the best of the sequels.”

Here are the thirteen places with some comments by me.

13. The Lizzie Borden home in Fall River, MA: Lizzie was fine, but I really prefer the 1975 TV movie The Legend of Lizzie Borden. As I sit here, I can think of so many better haunted places, but I guess they don’t have the lurid charges of an axe murderess who may have been a lesbian and ghost hunter Omar Escobar claims that he really got scared there, so who am I to doubt him when I sit in a basement all day watching dubbed ninja movies and he’s engaging in the pants filling terror of ghostbusting? To top that off, paranormal investigator — and TALKING BOARD COLLECTOR, this woman collects Ouija boards — Beckie Ann-Galetin smiles and guides us through this while looking way too much like the kind of girl young me would pine over and send Craigs List missed connections to…only to discover that she has a house full of spirit boards. They were correct about this show being scary.

12. Lake Lanier in Georgia: I feel for whoever had to write the Lake Lanier website and work on the FAQ, because this question had to feel like they were leading people to drown. Is Lake Lanier safe to swim in? “In addition to the Corps swim areas, there’s also a beautiful white-sand beach and designated swim area (with a stunning view) at Don Carter State Park. All swim areas are “swim at your own risk”, and there are no lifeguards on duty.” Actually, they put their photos on the site and their names are Robert and Bradley and nowhere on this cute little site do they mention that, oh I don’t know, that its the “largest lake in Georgia, is one of the deadliest in the U.S. Since its formation, 500 people have died there, nearly 200 since 1994,” according to an article in Oxford America. Nor that it’s a haunted lake. A haunted lake. Come on. I don’t even want to take a bath and you expect me to get into a haunted lake. Come on, Robert and Bradley.

11. The Sallie House in Atchinson, Kansas: The Visit Archinson website isn’t as friendly as our enemies in Georgia. Nope, right on the site they invite you to stay overnight at the Sallie House if you dare. They’re questioning my manhood, right in front of the cyberworld. No thank you. I will not challenge the spirit world, I will keep right on sitting here sipping on this Pineapple Bubbly and remain alive. And who is Sallie? Well, she was the little girl patient of Dr. Charles Finney who died on the operating table in the basement of this house and she’s now known as “The Man-Hating Ghost.” Nope. I’ll end up running out of that house sounding like Jim Varney, you know what I mean?

10. The Farnsworth House in Gettysburg, PA: Well, my wife’s best friend lives in Gettysburg and told me that all the children have white teeth there because the water is infused by the calcium from the bones of the Civil War dead. I’ve never wanted cavities so much in my life. Here’s some free advice. Never ever stay in a bed and breakfast that also has ghost tours, much less “Civil War era magician Professor Kerrigan who will delight you with Magic spanning from Card Tricks—using Civil War Era Playing Cards— to Illusions from his Parlor Presentation.” The professor has no idea how to capitalize properly and it’s giving me a bigger headache than sleight of hand usually does.

9, Sleepy Hollow in New York: Yes, all the movies get mentioned, even the one where Tim Burton reveals that he watched Black Sabbath. Not only is Washington Irving buried in Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, but Kykuit, the Rockefeller family’s opulent hilltop estate, is located here and nothing but nothing makes me more upset — and yes, scared — than rich people. So yes, Sleepy Hollow belongs right where it is.

8. Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, CO: You know this already, right? This is where Stephen King came up with The Shining because it freaked him out so much and he was too poor at the time to buy coke like he was mainlining into his eyes while directing Maximum Overdrive, so I will go and say that yes, this place is super scary. I did stay at the Timberline Lodge in Mt. Hood, OR where they shot the exteriors and it was very peaceful and quite breathtaking, but also very very scary because my mother-in-law went along and when I was looking at the “red rum” written on my bathroom mirror, she popped up and screamed, “What does that mean?” and then asked me who wrote it. I told her it was a ghost child and she didn’t sleep for days.

7. St. Augustine Lighthouse in St. Augustine, FL: The oldest surviving structure in this Florida town, this is perhaps the most frightening place on the list because if you peaced out of my rant earlier, you also have to go to Florida to see it, a state where Deicide seems like the most well-adjusted people now. I mean, have you see Ron DeSantis laugh? He laughs like someone who can’t wait to touch the nuclear button. He’s already laughing the laugh he’ll laugh when that happens. Also, I refuse to call him an android or automaton because as we learned in Anton LaVey’s Five Point Plan, android companions are the way of our safer future.

6. The Clown Motel in Tenopah, NV: This 31-room motel was opened in 1985 by Lenroy and Leona David in honor of their late father Clarence, whose collection of over 150 clown statues was used to decorate the property. There are now 2,000 clowns that exist on the property and a cemetery nearby. None of these things are frightening, per se, they are just odd to people. Clowns aren’t as terrifying as the fact that the LAPD’s “34 helicopters and four small aircrafts also release 11,100 metric tons of carbon-dioxide emissions annually”which is way more than all the celebrity private planes people complain about according to Curbed. They also “are lowest and loudest in census blocks that are more than 40 percent Black, subjecting those residents to unwarranted stress, trauma, and sleep deprivation — in addition to blanketing those neighborhoods with toxic airborne pollutants.” Sometimes under 1,000 feet, putting civilians in danger. But go ahead, be freaked by clowns.

5. The Queen Mary in Long Beach, CA: You can stay overnight in the Queen Mary but like the back of an old Slayer shirt once asked, “Do you want to die?” Suite B-340 is supposedly haunted and you know, reality is like a videotape and when you record horrible moments over and over in the same spot of the tape — like the maniacs in my hometown including me that would pause Kelly Preston’s nude scene in Mischief on the only rental copy at Prime Time Video — things just get left behind. Things that want to eat your soul. Ask yourself: could I sleep on the same ship where The Poseidon Adventure and episodes of Baywatch were made?

4. The Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles: When your Wikipedia page says, “the hotel has a checkered history, with many suicides and deaths occurring there” in the third sentence, well…you should stay away. Now an affordable housing complex — I guess Candyman has a new address after he moved out of Cabrini–Green — this has been on enough true crime shows that even I, someone who writes about Godfrey Ho movies and tries to ignore Keith Morrison’s gleeful descriptions of human depravity and sadness knows what this place is. I mean, a girl drowned in the water tower and people drank aqua infused by her decaying body. If you want to stay in a place where Richard Ramirez could walk around unencumbered in his bloody boxers, I won’t stop you.

3. Alcatraz in San Francisco, CA: In 1969, the Indians of All Tribes occupied Alcatraz for 19 months in the name of freedom and Native American civil rights. That makes up for the fact that this was the final stop for so many career criminals, I guess. Like how this was the longtime — and often final — home for Al Capone, Robert Franklin “Birdman of Alcatraz” Stroud, Mickey Cohen and George “Machine Gun” Kelly. What’s really weird is that the families of the jail guards lived on the island. It’s now a national park.

2. The Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum in Weston, WV: I live minutes from here and I will never go. Why? Have you seen how many horror movies I watch? Do you realize that that’s research for staying alive? When a ghost tells you to “stay away,” you do not run headfirst into spectral slaughter. They have flea markets and Father’s Day car shows here. As Jake “The Snake” Roberts once said while contemplating the chocolate all over his jacket, “Ain’t no way.” Also: There are 12 things to do in Weston. This ranks #1. Two of the other things on the list are places to buy glass and #13 is Appalachian Oddities, which sells a trepanning set if you want to drill a hole in your head and also has a wall of pickled punks. I went to the Müttter Museum once and there was a whole wall of backlit fetuses in jars and I thought, “I can handle this,” and then, just then, the drugs kicked in. Imagine.

1. The Lemp Mansion in St. Louis, MO: William J. Lemp Brewing Co. dominated the St. Louis beer market before Prohibition with its Falstaff beer brand. So many members of the Lemp family — William J. Lemp Sr., Frederick, Billy, Charles and Elsa Lemp Wright — killed themselves in this house. Elsa may have been murdered. When the last surviving Lemp, Edwin, died in 1970 at the age of 90, his final wish was that his art collection and all of the family’s heirlooms were to be destroyed. Totally normal.

You know what’s the worst part of all of this? Self-professed “spiritual teacher, psychic medium and paranormal investigator” informs us at the end that the scariest places in America are right where we lived. “Maybe someone died in your house,” she helpfully coos. You know what? The dude whose wife left him and used to live here hung himself and I live feet away from the second largest Native American burial mound in the U.S. and when they built my plan, they left the bodies and only moved the headstones. I don’t need this stress.

You can watch this on Tubi.

I worry about AI a lot, because you know, I work as a writer in my non-constantly watching movies and writing about them time. I’ve been in this field for twenty-five years or more — this gets relevant for this movie as well, I promise — and I feel like I’ve been fighting Skynet since 1984 and now I’m being asked to embrace it.

This is all being confided in you, dear reader, because I feel like Amityville Emanuelle has been concocted by that very same AI that I’ve been asked to use for my work and not director Louis DeStefano (who also plays Detective James and is directing his first movie) and Geno McGahee (producer of Call Me Emanuelle, The Awakening of Emanuelle and the writer and producer of Amityville Cop and the writer, director and producer of Amityville: The Final Chapter, which was originally known as Sickle).

How else can we explain a movie that has Amityville, a spirit board and namechecks the character invented by Emmanuelle Arsan that has become a brand in itself, remixed remade and ripped off into so many different characters, whether black, white or in space?

How long did it take before someone realized that Emanuelle and Amityville are both available to put together and lure me into watching 65 minutes of the results?

That’s why I blame AI.

If you have watched any of the post-relevant Amityville movies by now — you can stop after the Canadian ones, if you’re like most people, or after the In the Hood ones if you’re like me — you should never look at the poster and decide to watch these movies. I promise you that hardly anything on this art happens in the movie or even gets close to it and looking at it will only spoil you for visuals that its creators and budget are unable to deliver.

As you know — you must know — on November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo Jr. shot and killed six members of his family at 112 Ocean Avenue in the suburban neighborhood in Amityville, located somewhere on the south shore of Long Island, New York.

This movie accepts that and even starts with a quick cut version of it to set up what we see next.

Twenty-some years later, Laura Lutz (Dawn Church) is working in marketing, of which she says, “I market things. I get people to buy things. It’s like advertising” as I screamed at the screen while I actually did marketing inches away from this prompt-created attempt to finally destroy my Amityville obsessed black soul. She’s also trying to date and hasn’t gotten any for a year because of, yes, marketing and good Lord, this movie is trying my soul because it’s hitting so close to home my dog is trembling as the house shakes this way and that.

She ends up going on a double date with her friend Allie (Linda S. Wong) and hooking up with a nebbish teacher named Evan (Chris Spinelli) who seems to be acting for the back rows of a theater that no longer exists. Oh — I nearly forgot. Some lady brought over a box of objects from her father — George Lutz, who was played by James Brolin and Ryan Reynolds once long before Amityville movies were made on a daily basis and I had to search Tubi every morning at 3:15 AM to see which ones had possessed my smart TV, forcing me to watch them eyes sleepily open, simply through just a touch of Lucifer’s burning hand.

One of the objects in the box of occult stuff her dad kept all these years looks like a cocktail shaker but the filmmakers assure us that it’s an urn. Well, that urn has the ashes of Ronald DeFeo Jr. in it, the father of this movie’s other lead, Gordon (Shane Ryan-Reid), who has been seeing visions of his murderous father more and more since he died in jail. And when his girlfriend Gena (Allie Perez) gets a Ouija board as a housewarming gift from Scott (Johnny Avila)and May (Joycelyne Lew)…I mean, who does this kind of thing? What kind of gift is that? Don’t you know what happens?

Well, they’re lucky because Gena’s cousin Janet (Saint Heart) is a medium. They need her pretty bad right now — she’s sure she’s going to die so she makes Gena promise to take care of her cat Roman — because Laura gets possessed by the spirit and it makes her hook up with two dudes at a bar and shows up inside her bed while she’s jilling off. Worse of all, Evan has gone murderous, killing everyone that comes close to her.

I fear that in all these words, I’ve somehow made Amityville Emanuelle more exciting than it is. It’s an Amityville movie with no real Amityville, not even a shot of the house, just connected to real people whose real lives were destroyed by the case. And I can handle exploitation — I wallow in it, let’s be honest — but when you go nowhere deeper than saying, “These are the kids of Amityville” and then just have them sit in a living room, this underwhelms even when I barely expected it to whelm. But adding to that ennui is the fact that they’ve somehow made an Emanuelle movie with no nudity and some of the most boring lovemaking scenes you’ll see outside of an afternoon soap opera. In fact, in one, the guy pulls a blanket over Laura’s shoulders while she’s on top of him. This is an Emanuelle movie, with one m, and that means that Joe D’Amato is practically spinning so fast in his grave now that he’s about to burst forth from the Earth at the utter gaul of making even a softcore sex movie the unsexiest sex you’ve seen since you found your parent’s hardback of Dr. Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex. Children of the seventies, remember when the only nudity you could find was the Sears catalog bra pages? That was volcanic compared to this flaccid nonsense.

Nearly everyone that acted in this either produced or also worked behind the camera, no one is blameless. You do it to yourself, you do and that’s what really hurts, as they say. Or sing.

You know, if Joe D’Amato was alive, he’d be making movies with titles a lot like this, but they’d also have half the cast torn to shreds and sitting bloody and congealing in an acid bathtub while a schoolmarmish maid gave her adopted child of a master a furtive handjob, because that’s how you really make a scummy movie. Please learn from the masters.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Sabina Geshem (Liana Liberato, Scream VI) is a dance teacher who once had her own dreams of dancing on Broadway. But that was before the injury and before she got serious with Ramsay Stranger (Jordan Rodrigues), whose business is struggling and who seems like absolutely the worst person for her to pin her hopes and dreams on. When she brings up that he opened another credit card in her name, just as she’s paid off the last one, he makes it her fault.

He assures her that if he can just have a good meeting with Randall Abbott (Richard Kind, who seems like a big star for a Tubi original), all their problems will disappear.

No, that’s exactly where they’ll start.

Randall could care less about Ramsay’s virus solution. Yet their meeting ends up introducing him to the businessman’s daughter Alvy (Rumer Willis) and yes, Ramsay has a type: pale redheads. He starts spending time with his new love interest while continually demoralizing his old one.

There may be hope yet. An old dancing friend named Celine (Stef Dawson, Annie Cresta from The Hunger Games series) who is just getting past cancer learns that Eva Graf Schierling (Lara Wolf) is taking over as the director of dance and she’s been asking where Sabina has been. The opportunity for her to become a dancer on the biggest stage there is still exists.

Ramsay responds to this by telling her that she keeps making the same mistakes, that she’s setting herself up to be a failure and that he wants nothing to do with her any longer. He disappears from her life, which allows her to put her energy into dancing and finally concentrate on herself.

That is, until Celina takes her to a party and she runs into Ramsay, who easily gets her back for a night.

He laughs when she thinks they’re getting back together and explains that he has a whole new life. She decides to see what that life is all about in upstate New York. It’s gorgeous. The people are kind. And no one is kinder to her than Alvy, who is nothing like the thieving force of evil that she expected.

The real problem? Alvy is pregnant. And so is Sabina.

Directed by Todd Bogin, who wrote the screenplay with Omali Jeffers and Frederic J.A. Richter, I really appreciated that this movie strayed from the psycho ex-girlfriend formula to present an ending that is tragic and quite sad. The film looks great, thanks to cinematographer Barbie Leung, who finds great lighting, deep colors and intriguing angles that keep the otherwise seen it before story seeming fresh and vital.

You can watch this on Tubi.