“Tell Big Daddy that nobody fools with The Guy from Harlem, you dig?” — Let than be a warning to anyone who decides to mess with John Shaft, er, we mean, Al Conners
I’m just talkin’ about . . . Al Connors?
Rene Martinez, Jr. only made three blaxsploitation films, but wow, what a VHS-rental trio they were: his debut, the bike-slanted Road of Death (1973; okay, so that’s not exactly blaxploiting), and his final effort, The Six Thousand Dollar Ni**er (1978) — which aka’d as the less offensive, Super Soul Brother, and even Black Superman. Each are equally inept in all of their flubbed lines, mumbled to staccato-SHOUTED thepsin’, bad sound, exposed mic booms, clumsy soft-core sex, and Rudy Ray Moore-styled fighting awfulness: which is just how we like our blaxploitation romps to roll. You dig?
If an ex-Deep Throat actress . . . and a guy trying to pull a Rudy Ray Moore film and album combo doesn’t inspire you. . . .
In between, Martinez made this Shaft ripoff penned by his wife, Gardenia, concerned with the adventures of a rough n’ tumble, streetwise private eye named Al Connors (Loye Hawkins). Working a case in Miami, Florida, Connors is called back up to Harlem by the CIA to protect an African princess from a kidnapping plot. His assignment leads to the kidnapping of a drug kingpin’s daughter by a rival gang who wants the princess. . . .
At least I think that’s how the two stories intertwined. Yeah, we’ll go with that plot. Sorry, I was blinded by the plaid and pastel-colored suits. Those white patent leather shoes aren’t helping, either. I mean, we are dealing with a story where the CIA can’t handle the protection of a government dignitary — their job description — and contract a fourth-rate private eye. So, forget “logic,” okay?
Eh, Martinez and Loye Hawkins — like Rudy Ray Moore (Petey Wheatstraw) before them — couldn’t write, act, or direct, but they gave it a shot — with whom I think are moonlighting porn actors (especially that curly-haired blonde white guy for the “big fight” finish). Sadly, the excitement of the blaxploitation-era was over and done by the time this Martinez opus hit the drive-ins . . . to later be discovered by an April Wine tee-shirt wearing lad obsessed with ’60s biker flicks and ’70s blaxsploitation films populating the “Action” shelves of his local video emporium. Sure, you have it easier with these Mill Creek sets, but, well . . . I guess you just had to be there . . . for the days when you had to physically leave your house to rent a movie and there were no bargain box sets.
Boris Karloff and Loye Hawkins one-stop shopping!
There’s two ways to enjoy The Guy From Harlem on Tubi: the original version or its Rifftrax version. There’s no freebie streams of Road of Death, but we found a trailer on You Tube — which is all you really need, trust us. There is, however, to our celluloid chagrin, a copy of The Six Thousand Dollar Ni**er on You Tube to torture one’s self by.
Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper were right: “Elvis Is Everywhere!” So drop your needle on the Dead Milkmen because, we are “Going to Graceland.” Don’t let the rockabilly sounds of Elvis Hitler bum your trip. (Remember, in our Beatles’ movies tribute, we called out the More Fiends for their cover-hybid of Motorhead and the Beatles on “Yellow Spades”? Well, not to be outdone: Elvis Hitler grafted Hendrix to the theme of TV’s Green Acres . . . and Pittsburgh’s John Russo made their video!)
Okay, uh, let’s get back to The King.
Elvis Presley may have died on August 16, 1977 . . . and transitioned into the rock ‘n’ roll ethers to party alongside Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and Kurt Cobain at “Club 27,” just south of the right foot of God. However, when it comes to the film industry: you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave . . . in spite of the famous, last words of KWKH’s Horace Lee Logan about Elvis leaving the building.
As you can tell by this latest “Exploring” feature’s title: this isn’t about the movies that starred the “real” Elvis, such as Love Me Tender and Change of Habit, and so on . . . but we did check out all of Elvis’s flicks behind the wheel with a “Drive in Friday: Elvis Racing Nite!” feature. And don’t come-a-knockin’ for any of the wealth of theatrical, television, and direct-to-video documentaries on Elvis.
As with our three-part “The Beatles: Influence on Film” series, this “Exploring” feature on Elvis is concerned with the speculative flicks, the films using the myth and legend of Elvis as plot fodder, and the historical sidebars to his career.
Let’s fire up that VCR . . . and don’t break your pelvis!
Living Legend: The King of Rock ‘n Roll (1980) — 2 Stars Self-made North Carolina filmmaker Earl Owensby (Dark Sunday) co-stars alongside Elvis’s ex-fiancee Ginger Alden in the ersatz tale of Eli Caufield, the King of Rock & Roll. As with the real King: Eli rules supreme on stage, but in private, his life is a mess, as he spirals with declining health issues and an escalating prescription medication addiction.
Roy Orbison stands in for Owensby’s vocals. Director Thom McIntyre also helmed Ginger Alden’s starring role in the country music-centric Lady Grey; he found great success with the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, U.S. television franchise.
Next up, Elvis receives a fan’s love letter.
To Elvis, with Love, aka Touched by Love (1980) — 3 Stars Sigh. This Elvis flick—alongside A Little Romance—incessantly running on HBO started our lifelong crush with Diane Lane. Deborah Raffin (Hanging on a Star) stars as a young nurse determined to reach an unresponsive teenage cerebral palsy patient by encouraging her to write to her favorite rock singer, Elvis Presley (no, he doesn’t show up).
The film, based on the real-life reminiscences of Lena Canada (from her book To Elvis, with Love), is a very sweet, well-made family-friendly film. The critics: forever running hot and cold. Deborah Raffin was nominated for both, a Golden Globe Award for “Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama,” as well as a Golden Raspberry for “Worst Actress” for her performance. The film’s second Razzie nod came courtesy of Hesper Anderson’s screenplay. A TV series scribe (Marcus Welby, M.D), Anderson also composed the TV movie The UFO Incident (the world-famous Barney and Bette Hill incident) and fared much better with critics by way of her next theatrical work, Children of a Lesser God.
Director Gus Trikonis . . . yes, the man behind Supercock (the Ross Hagan one about illegal cockfighting, dirty mind), Nashville Girl, The Evil, Moonshine County Express, and Take This Job and Shove It, directed this. No, really. Then he did a “real” Elvis movie with Don Johnson as The King, in the TV Movie, Elvis and the Beauty Queen.
Next up, here come the Elvis weirdos.
Mondo Elvis (1984/documentary) — 2 1/2 Stars Okay, so it’s a “documentary,” but it does deal with the “fantasies” of El’s fans. Do you have a hankerin’ to learn more about the fans who can’t give up the “ghost” . . . to go along with your Peanut Butter and ‘Nana sandwiches? Well, here’s your chance to meet an eclectic bunch who explain how The King touched their lives . . . just a little too deeply.
Next up, Elvis schools two lads on the art of motorcycle racing.
Eat the Peach (1986/drama) — 2 Stars Would you believe Elvis . . . as the inspiration for motorcycle stuntmen? So goes this Irish comedy—with its title derived from the T.S Elliot poem “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufock”—about two unemployed lads who, after watching Elvis Presley’s 1964 opus Roustabout, hatch a plan to change their fortunes by becoming motorcycle stuntmen. If you’re a fan of Bill Foresyth’s early ’80s comedies Comfort and Joy and Gregory’s Girl from across the pond—both which incessantly spun on HBO back in the day—you’ll enjoy this Elvis-inspired comedy also adopted by the U.S cable channel.
Next up, Elvis is kidnapped!
Heartbreak Hotel (1988/comedy) — 2 Stars First Elvis inspires motorcycle stuntmen in Eat the Peach, now he gets kidnapped . . . in a tale written and directed by a pre-Home Alone Christopher Columbus, in his follow up to Adventures in Babysitting. Charlie Schlatter (of TVs Diagnosis Murder) is Johnny Wolfe; he kidnaps Elvis (David Keith of Officer and a Gentleman) from a 1972 concert in Cleveland with the purpose to take him home to meet his mother (Tuesday Weld; meta-starred with Elvis in 1961’s Wild in the Country), a sickly, obsessed Elvis fan. The always reliable David Keith is fun to watch as he channels Elvis, but TV actor Charlie Schlatter isn’t a marquee actor and no Michael J. Fox (who could have made this really work), thus, this drags to a drab, TV movie-styled production.
Next up, the “ghost” of Elvis appears in a Memphis hotel.
Mystery Train (1989/drama) — 4 Stars This Jim Jarmusch multi-character study takes place in the Arcade, a rundown Memphis hotel. Its occupants are foreigner travelers fascinated with all thing Americana—especially Elvis. The stories include a Japanese couple who visit Graceland, but are split on their fandom of Carl Perkins vs. Elvis. There’s an Italian widow who meets a stranger who tries to sell her a comb—that belonged to a hitchhiking Elvis. Finally, Joe Strummer of the Clash (following his role in Straight to Hell), is an Elvis loving, side-burned crook who goes into hiding after a liquor story robber gone bad. Steve Buscemi (Airheads) shows up (bonus!), along with ’60s rocker Screaming Jay Hawkins following up his appearance in Jaramusch’s Stranger than Paradise.
As for Elvis, he takes up . . . sky diving?
Honeymoon in Vegas (1992) — 2 1/2 Stars Film historian Andrew Bergman, who brought Marlon Brando back to the screen in The Freshman, scores as writer and director—courtesy of James Caan, Nicolas Cage, and Pat Morita (we can so without Sarah Jessica Parker, ugh) bringing their A-games to the tables. When Cage’s private eye loses $65,000 in Las Vegas poker game, he’s quickly mixed up with Caan’s professional gambler and assisted by Pat’s ne’er-do-well taxi driver to beat the debt. When does The King show up? Well, do you not know your classic movie scenes? Cage gets mixed up with—and jumps in full El regalia—the Utah chapter of “The Flying Elvises,” a skydiving team of Elvis impersonators. Cage, needless to say, garnered a well-deserved “Best Actor in a Motion Picture” nod at the Golden Globes. (Did you check out our “Nic Cage Bitch” feature? Well, you should.)
Next up for the King, he leaves Vegas for Providence, Rhode Island.
It’s a Complex World (1992/comedy) — 1 Star Jeff Burgess is the manager of a Providence rock club, The Heartbreak Hotel. A disappointment to his ex-CIA agent father running for the Presidency, Dad feels his son’s rock club will negatively affect the presidential campaign: so he hires revolutionaries to stage a terrorist bombing at the club. As the terrorists close in, a biker gang (headed by Captain Lou Albano!) trashes the club. So, Elvis isn’t going to let his namesake be destroyed; he calls a Beatles tribute band appearing at the club—from beyond the grave, natch—to help Jeff fight off the villains. Blues rockers NRBQ (who appear on the film soundtracks for Tuff TurfandSpring Break) show up at the club for a few tunes, in addition to the New England bands Beat Legend and Stanley Matis and the Young Adults.
As for Elvis, well, his ghost reappears to a comic store clerk.
True Romance (1993/action) — 4 Stars Christian Slater stars in this post-Reservoir Dogs Quentin Tarentino romp (directed by Tony Scott) as a comic book store clerk falling for the wrong girl, which leads him to become a “murderer” pursued by the mob. During those times o’ trouble: Slater turns to the ghost of Elvis (Val Kilmer) for some friendly advice. Yes, Slater, later crosses paths with The King in 3000 Miles to Graceland.
As for Elvis, he’s off to learn a few dance steps from some kid.
Forrest Gump (1994/drama) — 4 Stars Yeah, the ‘60s greatest hits compilation soundtrack is great. Okay, well, maybe it’s a little nostalgia-evoking heavy handed. And we could do without Robin Wright. But hey, at least we, finally, know where The King picked up those dance moves that earned him the name “Elvis the Pelvis.” Peter Dobson turns in a brief, yet fun turn as King El; he brings it back, again, in a larger role as ol’ El in Protecting the King.
Yikes! The King’s mummified remains return.
Frankenstein Sings . . . The Movie (1995/comedy) — 1/2 Star Alec Sokolow and Joel Cohen, the creative team behind this musical comedy, made this in the same year as their Pixar Animation game changer, Toy Story. They’d go on to give us two Garfield movies and Evan Almighty; their earlier work, the 1988 televangelist spoof, Pass the Ammo, became a oft-ran pay cable favorite (pair it with Beth B.’s Salvation!). An amalgamate of Bobby “Boris” Pickett’s early ’60s novelty hit “Monster Mash” and an adaption of late ’60s stage musical, I’m Sorry the Bridge is Out, You’ll Have to Spend the Night, this also stars Pickett himself, as Dr. Frankenstein.
The pedigree is here, but why don’t I like this . . . am I biased to anything with Candace Cameron from TV’s Full House? No. Well, yes. But you know me with movies that feel to need to explain that “it’s a movie” (Hamburger: The Motion Picture will get you started): failure is afoot.
So, what’s this all have to do with Elvis?
Well, a young couple (Cameron) stranded on Halloween Night seeks refuge in the mansion of Dr. Frankenstein. As luck would have it, the good Doctor is throwing a party with his Monster, the Wolfman, and his mother, Mr. and Mrs. Dracula—and a mummified Elvis with his agent (Jimmy “JJ” Walker from TV’s Good Times?) as is invited guests. And the blood of a virgin (Cameron, natch) is needed to fully restore the king to life. Ugh. This Trix is for kids. And not even then.
And it gets worse: Elvis returns as a vampire.
Rockabilly Vampire (1997/comedy) — 1 Star The fact that Troma Studios takes on Elvis should be a warning to you. A writer with an obsession for ‘50s culture goes on a quest to prove that Elvis is still alive and well. When she finds the King: he’s a side-burned vampire that wants to the pretty writer to be his new ‘Cilla. Not even the rockabilly soundtrack, helps.
Next up for Elvis: he’s scarfing snack cakes at rural grocery stores.
Elvis Is Alive! (1998/comedy) — No Stars Subtitled: I Swear I Saw Him Eating Ding Dongs Outside the Piggly Wiggly’s . . . well, if you though Rockabilly Vampire was a rough stream of it. Not even the comedic stylings of Fred Willard as an Elvis impersonator helps this ersatz Saturday Night Live skit that goes on way, way, way . . . did I say “way” . . . too long.
Our raison d’etre is, of course, This is Spinal Tap, as a down-on-his-luck filmmaker has no choice but to write and direct a film about, well, the people who swear they’ve seen Elvis Presley . . . even though he’s been dead since 1977. So our faux-Marty Di Bergi travel’s America’s back roads interviewing an eclectic group of people, searching for the “truth”: Is The King still alive? All that is missing from this film is for it to be titled: Elvis Is Alive: The Movie. Yeah, it’s that bad. Yeah, if it’s all dumber than the “Country Music Spinal Tap” dung that is Dill Scallion, with it’s pseudo-Billy Ray Cyrus clone, it probably is. Look, if you absolutely must have a flick with a director on road trip looking for The King, fast forward to The King.
Next up, Elvis puts down the Ding Dongs . . . to become a federal agent?
Elvis Meets Nixon (1998/comedy) — 3 Stars Allan Arkush. That’s all you have to say and I am all in, as the man behind Rock ‘n Roll High School, as well as so many of the Roger Corman-produced films reviewed at B&S About Movies, directs this satirical rock ‘n’ roll tale making a big “what if” guess as to what happened during the infamous 1970 meeting between The King (looks sort-of-close but a still great n’ over-the-top Rick Peters; more TV work than film) and the President (a very funny Bob Gunton, in an antithesis of his role as the sadistic warden in The Shawshank Redemption; he also portrayed Nixon in a Watergate recreation for ABC-TV’s Nightline).
Elvis, guilt-tripped by an anti-war activist for contributing to the nation’s counterculture upheavals by influencing the Beatles, decides to correct that wrong by writing the President to become a Federal Drug agent. Comic events, as we say, ensues as El makes his way from Memphis to California to Washington as both men realizes they are in the same boat: they’re losing popularity with the people and desperately want to stay on top.
Under Arkush’s hand this tongue-in-cheek bioflick-meets-mockumentary is a lot of fun—and what film wouldn’t be so when TV takler Dick Cavett, musician Graham Nash, and Tony Curtis show up (as themselves)? That’s right: Elvis & Nixon, the later, dry-as-a-bone box office dramatic bomb missed the mark on the absurdity of these two egos being in the same room.
Well, El’s off to drift across American once more, back to Graceland.
Finding Graceland (1998/drama) — 3 Stars Johnathon Schaech (of Tom Hanks’s terrific rock flick, That Thing You Do!, in spite of Liv Tyler’s presence) is an aspiring singer who lost his girlfriend in a car crash: one that he caused, while on his way to Nashville. Harvey Keitel appears as an eccentric drifter—and former Elvis impersonator—who also lost his wife in a tragic accident: on the August 17, 1977, the same day the kind of rock n’ roll died. To cope with his loss, Keitel drifts aimless across the country—believing he is Elvis Presley. While attempting to drive away from the painful memories of the past in his beat up Cadillac, Schaech picks up the hitchhiking Elvis “on his way home” to Graceland. The duo soon ends up in Las Vegas, where Schaech begins a romance with a Marilyn Monroe look-alike and Keitel makes his return to the stage as the King.
How good is this film? Priscilla Presley enjoyed the script so much, she signed on as Executive Producer. Yeah, there’s a lot of heart up on that screen and Keitel is magnetic. Oh, as for Priscilla, if you’re keeping track: she also produced her own bioflick, Elvis and Me, as well as two TV docs: Elvis: The Tribute and Elvis Presley: The Searcher, as well two Elvis TV series: one a full, cancelled series, with the other a mini-series. Parts of this ended up a direct-to-DVD “what if” doc, Elvis Found Alive.
What’s that? The U.S is nuked and Elvis has come the “real” “King of America”?
Six-String Samurai (1998/action) — 4 Stars The year is 1957: America is a laid waste after a Russian nuclear strike. Only Las Vegas survives as Elvis rules the country—with the kids of America adopting El’s rockabilly style and love of the martial arts. The King dies after 40 years of rule . . . and the samurai warrior musicians he begets begin their fight as heir to the King’s throne. Armed with a samurai sword in one hand and a guitar in the other, a Buddy Holly-lookalike appears from the wasteland using his rock ‘n’ roll and martial art skills to save the day.
This combination of kung fu ‘n’ roll—call it a sushi-western meets the Wizard of Oz, if you will—stars real life martial arts expert Jeffrey Falcon, a veteran of numerous Hong Kong action films who also scripted, as the Six String Samurai.
While absolutely entertaining in its bonkers approach to, well, everything it tosses on-screen, the then very-hip Slamdance Festival buzz wasn’t enough: this bombed at the box office with a less than $200,000 take against its meager, $2 million budget.
Anyway, El’s death is short lived, as he’s reanimated, once again.
Rock ‘n’ Roll Frankenstein (1999/comedy) — No Stars Ugh. As if Frankenstein Sings . . . The Moviewasn’t enough to satiate our need for Elvis and Universal monsters cross-pollination. Did Paul Naschy make this? Oh, how we wish. . . .
Bernie Stein (yuk, yuk) is a washed up music agent desperate for a new musical talent to put him back on top. As luck would have it: Bernie’s coroner-employed nephew, Frankie Stein (ugh, ugh) developed a rejuvenation process that reanimates dead body parts. So Bernie decides that, instead of looking for new talent: he’ll create his own “ultimate rock star” by using the remains of rock’s greatest legends. Recruiting Iggy, a burnt out roadie with a fetish for desecrating graves, to acquire the legendary body parts, they construct a rock star with Keith Moon’s legs, Jimi Hendrix’s hands, Elvis’s head, and Jim Morrison’s penis. Unfortunately, a stoned Iggy cultivates the sexual organ of Liberace. Now Bernie’s newest star is confused by his sexual identity—as the “Liberace” side of the monster begins to assert itself and overpower the influence of its other, renowned body parts. Bernie’s monster then goes on a killing spree as a result of its sexual confusion.
Does the fact that the Monster performs the tune “I’m a Manster” and the punk-a-billy outfit Psycho Charger provides the tune, “Lectro Shock,” help? Nope. Everything Six-String Samurai is, this ain’t. This monster mush is just dumb, homophobic, vulgar, well, crap that’s an insult to the Presley estate as it tries to be the next The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Well, The King is off to rob Las Vegas!
3000 Miles to Graceland(2001/action-comedy) — 1 Star Do you want to see Kurt Russell—who was Elvis in the John Carpenter-made TV movie, Elvis—portray The King, again (well, sort of), alongside Kevin Costner’s interpretation? Well, here it is, as some ex-cons of the Ocean’s 11-variety plan to rob a Vegas casino during an Elvis Convention Week. Not only did this clear less than $19 million against an $87 million budget, it swept the award nods (but won, none) at the Golden Raspberry and Stinkers Bad Movie Awards—as anything with David Arquette and the perpetually-shrill Courteney Cox, should.
Huh? Elvis meets another President of the United States?
Bubba Ho-Tep (2002/horror-comedy) — 4 Stars Leave it to Don Coscarelli of Phantasm fame and Bruce Campbell of The Evil Dead franchise to channel Elvis Presley . . . and a black “JFK” taking residence in a nursing home to battle an Egyptian vampire-mummy that sucks old people’s souls thru their, well, anus.
The source material, a novella of the same name, appears in the pages of the anthology The King Is Dead: Tales of Elvis Post-Mortem written by Joe. R. Lansdale; his life is chronicled in the documentary, All Hail the Popcorn King. As for the sequel, Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires . . . well, that’s never going to a happen. But look for Dynamite Entertainment’s four-issue crossover-miniseries Army of Darkness/Bubba Ho-Tep that continues the tale with Campbell’s Ash Williams teaming with Elvis.
Next up for Elvis, a female serial killer knocks off Elvis impersonators.
Elvis Has Left the Building (2005/comedy) — 2 Stars Director Joel Zwick and actor John Corbett follow up their hit, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, with this Elvis-inspired comedy that’s not a docudrama about Horace Lee Logan, the disc jockey who first uttered those famous words . . . it’s the comic misadventure of Harmony, the cosmetics saleswoman.
Supernatural forces are at play in the life of Harmony (Kim Basinger), a cosmetics saleswoman who believes her life is eerily entwined with the King—ever since her birth at one of his concerts. So, while on the road selling her lipsticks, she accidentally kills a few Elvis impersonators—and receives the attention of the Feds. Along the way, she falls for an advertising executive (Corbett) on the way to an Elvis convention in Las Vegas, where the real Elvis (Gil McKinney of TV’s ER and Friday Night Lights) shows up alongside Billy Ray Cyrus (ugh) Annie Potts (Pretty In Pink, but TV’s Young Sheldong, these days).
As for Horace Lee Logan, he produced and hosted the country music radio program Louisiana Hayride, in which Elvis debuted in October 1954 on KWKH—a 50,000-watt superstation broadcasting from Shreveport, Louisiana reaching a mind boggling 28 states.
And as for The King: he’s lives via the life of another impersonator.
Eddie Presley (2007/drama) — 2 1/2 Stars We’ve seen the adventures of Elvis impersonators in 1998s Finding Graceland and 3000 Miles to Graceland. This time out, noted horror film director , known for the Pumpkinhead, The Stepfather, Puppet Master, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchises, changes genre gears to direct and produce this story about a down-and-out Tempe, Arizona, security guard who moonlights as an Elvis impersonator. Duane Whitaker, he of the redneck rape scene in Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction, wrote and starred in the original, one-act play written on which the film is based. Is Whitaker the next Billy Boy Thornton or Chazz Palminteri, here? No, but he’s still quite good in the ersatz-Elvis role. This lumbered around the festival circuits and was hard-to-find since 1992, even in a post-Pulp Fiction world, finding wider exposure on DVD in later years.
Next up, we meet The King . . . and his stepbrother.
Protecting the King (2007/docudrama) — 1 Star David Edward Stanley, Elvis’s real life stepbrother, writes and directs this tale about his job protecting The King of Rock & Roll as his bodyguard, starting at the tender age of 16. Peter Dobson (of Frank Stallone’s failed passion project, The Good Life), who also portrayed Elvis in Forrest Gump, stars. Keep those eyes open for the always welcomed Tom Sizemore (who made his debut in A Matter of Degrees) and Dey Young (who broke our hearts in Rock ‘n’ Roll High School), neither helping, here.
As for Elvis, he keeps on truckin’ . . . right to the street near The Heartbreak Hotel.
Lonely Street (2009/drama) — 1 1/2 Stars In a casting twist of fate: Robert Patrick (the liquid metal “Terminator” in Terminator 2) played Elvis’s father Vernon in the U.S. TV mini-series, Elvis: The Early Years (2005). This time, Patrick may or may not be “The King,” living in seclusion under an assumed name, “Mr. Aaron.” Hounded by a tabloid reporter ready to ready to tell the world that “Elvis lives,” Mr. Aaron (remember, Aaron was Elvis’s dead twin brother) hires a bumbling private eye to keep his secret. Yes. Patrick as Elvis: it’s a stretch, but he makes it work, as great actor, should.
Well, actually . . . Elvis has been living in Simi Valley, California, the whole time.
Elvis Found Alive (2012/drama) — 3 Stars Skilled documentary-mockumentarian Joe Gilbert crafts an entertaining “what if” tale that ties up all the loose ends regarding the facts and fictions, myths and legends, theories and conspiracies concerning all things Elvis . . . from the lips of Jon Burrows, aka Elvis Aaron Presley, himself. Is this Spinal Tap version of the King more enjoyable than watching Tom Hanks goin’ all Oscar as Col. Tom Parker? Oh, you bet your grilled Peanut Butter and ‘Nana sandwiches and a bag o’ chips.
Well, after exploits of his stepbrother in Lonely Street, why not the tales of his real brother, Aaron?
The Identical(2014/drama) — 1 Star Did we really need a Christian-based inspiration film based on Elvis . . . if his brother, Aaron, never died? Well, here it is: Twin brothers are unknowingly separated at birth; one of them, Drexel Hemsley, becomes an iconic rock ‘n’ roll star; the other, Ryan Wade, born Dexter Hemsley, struggles in poverty as he battles his adopted preacher-father (Ray Liotta!) in his discovery of music vs. a life in the ministry. Seeing “Elvis,” go ’70 prog-rock, here—since he never died—is an interesting twist, though.
Oh, wait . . . Elvis is alive and well in Kalamazoo!
Elvis Lives! (2015/comedy) — 4 Stars Well, indie actor Jonathan Nation may not look like Elvis—and neither did Harvey Keitel, for that matter—but he shines as a past-his-prime Elvis finding redemption as a secret agent for the FBI. As with Joe Gilbert’s previous mock-document, noted Lifetime and Hallmark scribe and Z Nation staff writer Delondra Mesa speculates as to Elvis’s mob ties, faking his death, and building a new life in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Is Elvis still alive and well, in Alabama? Well, sort of. . . .
Orion: The Man Who Would Be King (2015/documentary) — 4 Stars The idea of a “phantom” Elvis first birthed in the fictionalized pages of Gail Brewer Giorgio’s novel, Orion. Published prior to Presley’s August 1977 death—with a somewhat analogous storyline to Jim Morrison’s alleged The Bank of America of Louisiana tome (and predating P.F Kluge’s similarly-styled 1980 novel, Eddie and the Cruisers)—Giorgio’s novel concerned an Elvis-styled singer who faked his death to escape fame.
Then Shelby Singleton, the then owner of Sun Records, Elvis Presley’s old recording home, pinched from Giorgio’s book (Giorgio was not complicit in Singleton’s marketing scheme) and created an Elvis doppelganger: Orion, and hired Alabama-born singer Jimmy Ellis to fill those blue suede shoes. The film tells Ellis’s real life story in the music business.
Ugh. Kevin Spacey in an Elvis déjà vu flick?
Elvis & Nixon (2016/comedy-drama) — 1/2 Star Just, no. Rewind the more passionate, Allan Arkush’s Elvis Meets Nixon from 1998. Kevin Spacey is pure Golden Raspberry slicing-ham as Nixon and the always-reliable Michael Shannon as The King? Great in other places, but not here. It’s all just a dumb, major studio boondoggle. Please leave the Elvis flicks to the indie guys. Please.
It was enviable: Elvis’s car has a tale to tell.
The King (2018/documentary) — 4 Stars Okay, we are breaking ranks with this second documentary that takes an inspired approach: Forty years after The King’s death, director Eugene Jarecki sets off across American in Elvis’s 1963 Rolls-Royce Phantom V to explore a life—and how that life affected Americans—via archive footage and interview insights. A really fine, unique work from the filmmaker who gave us insightful, The Trails of Henry Kissinger (2002).
Elvis as a twelve-year-old kid?
Rolling Elvis (2019/comedy) — 4 Stars A delightful, Columbia-imported, coming-of-age comedy that reminds of Bill Forsyth’s quirky, Scottish-made films from the ’80s, such as Gregory’s Girl. Set in 1985, an Elvis aficionado forces her child to enter the school talent show as Elvis Presley—as a punishment and alternative for explusion for his perpetual school truancy.
Okay, then how about the King goes sci-fi?
Elvis from Outer Space (2020/comedy) — 0 Stars Take away everything that made Bubba Ho-Tep—with Elvis saving humanity from an ancient Egyptian mummy—enjoyable and you have this tale that explains Elvis’s 1977 death as a cover up for his abduction by aliens from Alpha Centauri. Homesick, the aliens cut a deal with a double-crossing CIA for Elvis to return to Earth. Now a fugitive on the run, the King searches for his daughter Lisa Marie and lost love Linda Thompson—under the covers of a Las Vegas Elvis convention. If you enjoy bad CGI, awful green-screening, no actual Elvis songs, and comedy that’s not funny . . . of a film that’s actual a CGI-reboot for the Tubi age of a forgotten ditty, Memphis Rising: Elvis Lives (2011), then by all means, stream it.
And it all comes full circle to . . .
Elvis (2022/drama) — 2 Stars Baz Luhrmann, the Australian filmmaker who wowed us with the worldwide hit romantic comedy Strictly Ballroom (1992), along with the Leonardo DiCaprio-starring William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet (1996), and the Golden Globe Award-winning Moulin Rouge! (2001), writes and direct this biographical drama (that’s either 10-star-loved or one-star hated) starring Tom Hanks as Col. Tom Parker and ex-child/teen star Austin Butler (Disney’s Hannah Montana, Nickelodeon’s iCarly and Zoey 101; he was “Tex Watson” in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood) as Elvis (also in the running: Harry Styles of the boy band, One Direction).
The Beatles are also back in theaters with the upcoming Midas Man (a beleaguered production with a projected 2023 release) centered on the Beatles’ relationship with their manager, Brian Epstein. You can enjoy the last of our three-part “Exploring: The Beatles: Influences on Film” series to learn more about the film.
The Rest of the Best with Elvis, Worthy of a Watch on your DVD or Blu:
Elvis: The ’68 Comeback Special (1968/TV Special) Elvis: That’s the Way It Is (1970/documentary) Elvis on Tour (1972/concert film) Elvis (1979/TV docudrama) Yes, with Kurt Russell as The King. Elvis and the Beauty Queen (1981/TV docudrama) This time, it’s Don Johnson. This Is Elvis (1981/documentary) Elvis and Me (1988/TV docudrama) Hey, it’s Dale Midkiff. Elvis: The Miniseries, aka Elvis: The Early Years in its overseas theatrical life, (2005/TV docudrama) Yep. That’s Jonathan Rhys Meyers.
Let’s not forget Elvis’s racing flicks that we rounded up for one of our “Drive-In Friday” features.
A whole night of Elvis on the oval circle!
Additional Elvis Reading: Neal Umphred, a name you know from the internationally-acclaimed “Goldmine Price Guide to Collectable Records” series, has an in-depth blog, Elvis – A Touch of Gold, regarding Elvis’s music and records. The way author and music journalist Jim Cherry knows Jim Morrison? Yeah, it’s like that with Neal and Elvis. Visit Neal on the web at his personal website.
After speaking with Neal, I’ve learned his favorites are Finding Graceland, 3,000 Miles to Graceland, and The Identical. So take his suggestions and do check out those three films for your Elvis fix.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes film reviews for B&S About Moviesand publishes on Medium.
There are movies that pleasantly surprise you. Then there’s this third feature film by the Lammiman brothers, Dallas and Greg: Greg’s the writer; Dallas is the director. The “surprise” behind the film: it eschews the usual apocalypse trappings of man battling the prophesied Beast of Revelations.
Instead — with an influence of such Young Adult Films as The Hunger Games and Divergent franchises, but with the scrappy-inventivness of a Roger Corman ’80s space opera, e.g., Battle Beyond the Stars — we get a science fiction updating of the tale of the Mayflower. That fabled vessel and its passengers left England in 1620 to separate themselves from the Church of England, so as to find religious freedom; they eventually ended up in a “new Promised Land” in America, where they established the Plymouth Colony on the coast of Massachusetts.
The first Mayflower carried persecuted believers to the new world. The second Mayflower carries them to space.
Now, the new Mayflower II will transport persecuted Christians to an established utopian colony on Mars. However, as with most secular science fiction films dealing with “utopias” — for me, since I recently reviewed it, the Italian sci-horror import, Crucified (2021), comes to mind — that “promised land” is more corrupt and oppressive than the land the downtrodden left behind: this one overlorded by a defacto-styled Antichrist named Nero.
The questions the film ponders: As a believer, where do you stand with God? Faced with persecution for your beliefs, will you chose to follow the authority of man or rise up in revolt and remain faithful to God? Which is the greater fear in your life: God or man?
The Lammiman’s “Christian Sci-Fi” production from 2012, set in the future of 2050.
Needless to say, we are up against-the-budget, here, so, as with most Christian films: the main goal is to spread the world of the Lord, while providing wholesome, alternative entertainment for those off-put by secular science fiction films. As such, and referring back to films such as the Kendrick brothers’ (of Sherwood Pictures fame) really fine Flywheel: we’re dealing with a lot of first time actors and crew members, some professional; others volunteers, so the acting is rough in spots; some thespin’ better than others.
There’s very little in the way of shot-in-camera practical effects (what film today really has them), and what practical effects there are, well . . . the weapons look like (expertly) retrofitted Nerf rifles and pistols — and probably are (the lightning-bolt disruptor rays are decent, as are the holograms and touch screen controls; the surveillance drones are production-solid). There’s not much in the “futuristic” costuming department, but what little there is — in the way of the old, retrofitted hockey-motocross geared-up soldiers gag, and the off-the-Nutcracker-costume-rack military dresses — it looks just as good as any VHS’er of the video shelf ’80s or the Syfy Channel (before the double “y”) direct-to-DVD romps of the ’90s. The space ship interiors aren’t as effective as an old Roger Corman ’80s space opera, but certainly better than, and not as goofy-chinzy as, an Alfonzo Brescia ’80s Star Wars rip (Star Odyssey). The CGI work, however, while not exactly Star Trek: The Next Generation — but wants to be — is (very) effectively close to the style of that series.
As for the story . . . well, if you’re into secular science fiction, and appreciate obscure, low-budget productions (such as my recent “Outer Space Week” reviews of Hyper Space and Space Chase, for example), you may be willing to watch. But even I have to agree: the woe-is-me, Christians-are-perpetually-persecuted plotting is a bit hokey-to-swallow. But we are dealing with the tale of the Mayflower meets the prophecies of Revelations, and, as far as Christian believers are concerned: that future threat is real and they’re committed to that belief. And you have to respect that spiritual focus.
And this film from the Lammiman brothers is an equally committed film. And a commendable one at that. And I appreciate their focus on creating wholesome, yet relevant, entertainment. I am glad I discovered Mayflower II, by accident, as I descended down a Tubi rabbit hole. I enjoyed watching it and I await the Lammiman brothers’ next, ambitious production.
You can watch Mayflower II on the Christian Movies You Tube portal or on Tubi. You can also stream it ad-free on Amazon Prime’s Dove portal. We love it when those who worked on the film find our heart-felt reviews and enjoy them — and clear up the bad web-Intel. Thanks, Lyndall!
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
“Hey, I can’t stop you from watching shark movies any more than I can stop myself.” — Sam Panico, in his review Great White (2021), the latest in a long line of “shark” movies.
We can’t help ourselves.
Yes. The rumors are true: B&S About Movies will watch anystreaming offering with a shark in it, as it is our quest — as with Ouija Boards and Amityville prefixers (and all of the “House/La Casa” and “Demons” sequels) — to watch them all. That shallow water quest began with our “Ten Jaws Ripoffs” feature back in 2018 that capped off our “Bastard Sons of Jaws” week of reviews . . . and the obsession continues with our recent, 2021 catch-up catch bin “Shark Weak” event.
Yes. We’ll even endure Brooke Hogan for our fix of sharks swimming through sand.
Sure, those celluloid chummers had their own, unique entertaining charms. However, this live-action, feature film debut (his first was the 2011 graphic-comic book feature Sex, Dogz, and Rock n Roll; there’s a very nice “file footage” graphic-animation sequence in Sky Sharks, as well) by writer-director Marc Fehse is an instantly engaging, can’t-stop-watching ride (that I’d watch even if not assigned to review it). It joyfully reminds of the equally absurd, Finland-made Iron Sky (2012) colliding with the Norwegian-made Dead Snow (2009) — with a pinch of Chad Ferrin’s uber-fun meshing of the demon possession and airline disaster genres with Exorcism at 60,000 Feet (in Sky Shark’s bonkers-stellar opening set piece).
True to the title, Sky Sharks wastes no time in unleashing (IMO, well-made) over-the-top graphic kills (CGI) as a Wehrmacht of artillery-packed flying sharks manned by Nazi zombies attack a Vancouver-departed flight over Iceland: the latest in a rash of “unexplainable” air crashes.
Yes. The above sentence is real. I typed it.
So, who’s behind this aerial shark mayhem? Richter Technologies via the U.S. Department of the Army’s Department of Investigation of Ancient War Engine. It seems the past — the crew of a long-lost, Antarctica ice-stranded experimental German U-Boat dabbling in “dynamic aquatics” — of Dr. Klaus Richter (Austrian actor Thomas Morris; known to U.S. audiences for Schinder’s List and the Tom Hanks-starring Angels & Demons) has returned to bring the 4th Reich to power. Attacks on New York and London await in the wings . . . or is that fins?
As with any ex-Nazi scientist pushing 100 and keeping young via injections: it wasn’t meant to be this way. It was Dr. Richter’s scientific innovations that made America the world’s foremost superpower to achieve world peace. His work also resulted in the creation of “Project Himmelsfaust.” Based in the development of the K7B youth serum: Old Nazi men never die: they turn into “super soldiers” for the Motherland. Meanwhile, due to its side effects: human females transform into an impervious zombie force — and they’re curvy and stacked.
Yeah, Sky Sharks is awesome: we’ve got air-breathing sharks armed with missile complements under their pectoral fins, hot zombie chicks with blades for hands . . . oh, just watch this movie! Keep your eyes open for the familiar U.S. TV and indie-film faces of Amanda Bearse, Robert LaSardo, Lar Park-Lincoln, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and the incomparable Tony Todd.
Screening on the overseas festival circuit since 2017 and making its U.S. streaming debut in late 2020 on Amazon, Sky Sharks made its bow this month as a free-with-ads stream on Tubi. For another ad-free experience, it’s now available as a VOD on You Tube Movies. The U.S. issued, MPI Home Video DVDs and Blus (2021) are available at all brick and mortar and online retailers, such as Amazon, Walmart, and Target. Also be sure to sample the trailer for Marc Fehse’s Sex, Dogz and Rock n Roll, on You Tube.
As for you, Sam: I told you I’d fin-up to the greens and raise your Great White. Place your bet, Big Hoss. Toss the chum bucket on the table. I dare you. A “Double Dog,” Farkus.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.
“Why is she naked?” “Do you shower with clothes on?” “I don’t. But Mary Rose was not found in her home and she was not nude when they discovered her body.” “Look. Horror fans want certain things in their films.” “Tits?” “Among other things.” — Screenwriter and Producer bickering about the devilish details
We were first exposed to the joint resume of Tupelo, Mississippi-based writer and actor, producer and director Glenn Payne and writer and actress Casey Dillard with their effective, micro-budgeted horror-thriller, Driven (2020). That film went on to win three awards for “Best Feature” at the Jackson Crossroads, Magnolia Independent, and Tupulo Film festivals, along with actor Richard Speight Jr. (CW’s Supernatural) winning the “Best Actor” award at the Nashville Film Festival.
When we learned the horror-comedy Killer Concept, the latest film from Glenn Payne’s Dead Leaf Productions, was newly available for Tubi streaming, we wanted to watch the film, as his previous work, Driven, was impressive. If you haven’t yet seen Driven, do: think Michael Mann’s Collateral starring Tom Cruise — only with demon’s showing up. Trust us, you’ll enjoy the stream. Since then, we’ve also watched Glenn’s early film, Earthrise (2014), an impressive, against-the-budget science fiction piece about three explorers returning home from Mars, for the first time. If you read our reviews for Anton Doiron’s Space Trucker Bruce (2014), Robert Goodrich’s Ares 11, and Monty Light’s Space (2020), you know that when a filmmaker effectively executes the off-Earth/space-centric genre, we’ll champion that film. Add Earthrise to that list.
The usual modus operandi in producing a film about an infamous serial killer: wait for the killer to be caught. Just not in this Hitchcockian cocktail with a twist of wryly lime.
Our auteur, Mark (Glenn Payne), is a cinematographer working with Seth, an aspiring producer (fellow local Mississippi actor Coley Bryant of the 2017 beauty queen-boxing comedy, Fighting Belle) who, like most producers, throws integrity to the wind when it comes to making a hit movie. Mark finds himself talked into a project by Seth and his writer, Holly (Casey Dillard, the lead in Driven), to make a movie about a still-at-large, local serial killer. Hey, they might even solve the crime as they’re making the movie, which will be a great promotional gimmick.
True to form, Seth, again, like most producers, could care less about that pesky “character development” and “plot” nonsense that writers like Holly pride themselves on. He doesn’t want a serious “art” piece about the psyche of what drives a man to kill women. “Get the Freud out of here, Holly!”: Seth wants an ’80s-styled “boobs and blades” job. Scream bloody murder and let slip the gallons of red Karo, says Seth. And fire up that fog machine.
As with Driven before it: Killer Concept, while on a tight budget, doesn’t look “cheap” in the least and comes off as a well-shot film: the camera moves with style and the lighting keeps the proceedings dark and thrilling against the script’s lighter delivery of its dark humor. Sure, it’s a horror-comedy, yes, but the concept isn’t a full-on yuk-yuk fest analogous to Scary Movie: it’s a lighter take on that film’s raison d’etre: Scream, a film that, itself, had its suspenseful moments as the narrative shifts screwed with your concepts as to what is and isn’t real.
I enjoyed the fine writing of Casey Dillard who, again, impressed with her Final Draft skills on Driven. In the frames of Killer Concept, she’s intelligently crafted a Droste effect-styled screenplay: she’s a screenwriter, writing a screenplay about a screenwriter, fed up with the clichés of screenwriting permeating today’s A24 and Blumhouse-driven horror industry. Dillard’s mise en abyme intelligence continues as our director, the somewhat introverted Mark, isn’t the creepy, weird, deformed, ugly serial killer that Seth wants him to be.
Oops. The bag just lost its cat.
I enjoyed the “reality” of Mark as penned by Dillard. You shiver at the thought of guys like Ted Bundy and Dennis Rader: no one saw it coming. And you don’t see it coming, here. Well, Seth and Holly don’t; but you do, now, since I slaughtered the burlapped feline.
Hey, it’s not my fault. You’re the one that reads reviews about movies, written by some “nice guy” hunkered down in a Pittsburgh basement that watched the movie, before you watch the movie. But you wouldn’t have watched the movie if I didn’t write about the movie to make you want to watch the movie. Or something like that.
Anyway, I gotta go. I need to put a few more strokes of paint on my self-portrait before my mom brings my lunch of raw goat livers a nice cup warm cocoa. But wait . . . my mom is dead and I am actually “mother” bring my own livers and cocoa. And “she” is writing a screenplay about “me,” I mean, me about her. . . .
Making its streaming debut earlier this year on Amazon, Killer Concept is now available as a free-with-ads stream on Tubi through Indie Rights Movies. You can learn more about Glenn Payne’s painting and film works at his official website and, again, at his official Facebook page for Dead Leaf Productions. And be sure to learn more about his previous film, Driven, with our review.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.In addition to writing film reviews for B&S About Movies, hepublishes music journalism pieces, as well as short stories based on his screenplays, on Medium.
NBC’s Saturday NightLive, initially known as NBC’s Saturday Night, premiered with its debut host, George Carlin, on October 11, 1975. The show’s taboo, National Lampoon-inspired comedy sketches that parodied contemporary culture and politics, was a late-night ratings blockbuster. So it was inevitable it would inspire a series of low-budget, “sketch anthology” drive-in knock offs.
The best known — and box office successful — of the faux-Not Ready for Prime Time Players ensembles was the The Kentucky Fried Movie (1977) directed by John Landis and written by the ZAZ team of David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker (later of Airplane! and The Naked Gun). Prior to SNL making it to air was the equally successful, X-rated The Groove Tube (1974). The writing and directing debut by Ken Shapiro, he would later do the same for the early, Chevy Chase comedy bomb, Modern Problems. You may also remember the better, late-to-the-game Amazon Women on the Moon (1987) featuring segments directed by Joe Dante.
Lost in between the success of those comedic omnibuses are Herschell Gordon Lewis’s trailblazer Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In (1970), The Boob Tube (1975), American Tickler (1978), Coming Attractions, aka Loose Shoes (1978; starring experienced improv-comics Bill Murray and Howard Hesseman), and National Lampoon’s hour-long cable special Disco Beaver from Outer Space (1979).
Then there’s this forgotten knockoff directed by Bradley R. Swirnoff and written by the BFS team of John Baskin, Stephen Feinberg, and Roger Shulman. Another similar, forgotten project from the comedic think tank was Tunnel Vision (1976).
As with their previous Tunnel Vision, Prime Time also deals with the nation’s first uncensored television network. This time — instead of the new network being part of a legitimate business venture in the future year of 1985 — all world television transmissions have been interrupted by an “unknown source” broadcasting a lineup of tasteless programs and commercials. Warner Bros. — who got involved hoping to appeal to the “hep” National Lampoon-reading college crowd weened on SNL — bankrolled the film for a mere $30,000 and intended to release it. When they saw the end product and deemed it “unreleasable,” they sold it to Cannon Films, which released it as American Raspberry in 1979. In fact, MGM was also burned (to the tune of $3 million) by Not Ready for Prime Time Players-connected material: the studio pulled SNL’s short film auteur Tom Schiller’s science fiction comedy (also working as a pseudo-anthology comedy), Nothing Last Forever (1984), from release and never screened it, anywhere (it’s now in the copyright vaults of Warners and part of the TCM library; Warners owns the pre-1986 MGM library).
Okay, back to the movie. . . .
As the President of the United States tries to get to bottom of who is responsible the tasteless transmissions, we’re subjected to a series of programs and commercials, aka skits, for 75-minutes of politically incorrect spoofs that would give today’s hashtag warriors a brain aneurysms as set they off on a quest to cancel-culture everyone connected to the project from existence.
There’s abortions and gynecologists. Catholic and midgets. Tampons and (fat) Charlie’s Angels (the series “Manny’s Nymphs”). There’s commercials calling out the tobacco industry and non-profit organizations like Save the Children. There’s spoofs on the then popular, yet annoying, commercials for car batteries (for an Execution organization promoting their “Die Tough Batteries”) and credit cards (“American Excess”). The capper is a commercial — that plays during the sitcom The Shitheads — for Trans Puerto Rico Airlines: its plane filled with goats and chickens as flies buzz around a pot of chili. Oh, wait: that’s topped by “sports coverage” of the Charles Whitman Invitational — as hunters sniper people and animals from a tower perch. And it goes on with a telethon raising funds for transvestites. Adolf Hitler pitching audio cassettes. Erection prevention sprays. Dog food commercials spoofing that funny topic of cannibalism.
And none of it is funny. None.
Well, at least not to me. Eh, the road to Judd Apatow had to start, somewhere. But why here? Oy, this was a chore to sit though. And to think my kid and teen self coveted these “adult comedies” back in the day. Yeah, sure . . . The Kentucky Fried Movie and The Groove Tube are okay, but this is, well, Plfffffffft!
The B&S About Movies crowd will notice the familiar character actors of Harris Yulin and Royce D. Applegate, along with Harry Shearer (This Is Spinal Tap), Warren Oates (Two-Lane Blacktop), Stephen Furst (Animal House), and an early Joanne Cassidy. And yes, that is Twink Caplan (Bloodspell), who became a successful producer in her own right with the ’90s comedies Curly Sue and Clueless. So, if you’re curious in seeing where those actors of VHS yore got their start, there’s something here to see. All others: hit that button and skip to the next Mill Creek selection.
It’s hard to believe the brains behind it all moved onto bigger and bigger things. But they did.
While Swirnoff and Freinberg left film and returned to the stage work from the improv lands which they came, we were unknowingly entertained by John Baskin and Stephen Feinberg into the late ’80s. The duo became a sought-after writing team for television, with multiple episodes of the hit series Love, American Style, All in the Family, Good Times, The Jeffersons, and Three’s Company, as well as developing the Jack Warden-starring series Crazy Like a Fox.
We’ve since given this film a second look, as part of our two-month “Cannon Month” blow out reviewing and re-reviewing all of the films carrying that iconic logo of ’80s VHS yore.
Oh, and speaking of National Lampoon . . . we’ve been chipping away at those reviews, as well:
You’ve heard Sam and myself rave — as result of his incessant, ’70s and ’80s TV movie work — the wares of Canadian filmmaker Steven Hilliard Stern. From his work with Portrait of a Showgirl (Tony Curtis and Rita Moreno!) The Ghost of Flight 401 (Ernest Borgnine!) and This Park Is Mine (Tommy Lee Jones!), Mr. Hilliard rocked our television sets. Then, in one of his rare, later theatrical works, Rolling Vengeance, well . . . a movie where a man reacts to the death of his wife and children by making a monster truck and killing everyone responsible . . . that’s our kinda movie!
Other entries in Stern’s superior TV movie oeuvre (on U.S. TV and cable; in Canada, they ran as theatrical features) are the James Brolin-starring The Ambush Murders (1982), the pre-stardom Tom Hanks-starring Mazes and Monsters (1982), and the Ned Beatty-starring Hostage Flight (1982).
I know. I know. Stop squeezing the Hilliard Stern toiletries. Get on with the review. . . .
Well, by the time of this not-so-comedy featuring second and third tier comedians, Stern was four films into theatrical features: B.S. I Love You (1971; a sexual revolution comedy starring JoAnna “Isis” Cameron), Neither by Day Nor by Night (1972; a war drama starring Zalman “Red Shoe Diaries” King), and Harrad Summer (1974; more “sexual revolution drama” starring Laurie “Eight Is Enough” Walters) — only Harrad Summer was a box office hit (and also a flop, when compared against the hit status/box office of the previous The Harrad Experiment). So off to TV Steven went, with U.S. series such as McCloud, Quincy M.E., and Hawaii Five-O. Remember when they tried to make Al Pacino’s hit cop flick, Serpico, and Logan’s Run, into TV series: Stern helmed them both.
“Ugh, R.D. The movie at hand, please.!”
Get your own copy as part of Mill Creek’s Drive-In Classics box set.
Okay, well, we have to remember Hilliard’s career is still in its infancy, but he did have a sort-of-hit on his hands with Harrad Summer leading to this . . . maybe if Steven was given a cast of better actors and comedians? And if this — being a “sex comedy” — had some actual (implied) sex or nudity? Ugh, Bob Dishy and Bill Dana (name a ’60s TV comedy), and Vito Scotti (name a ’60s comedy series that needed a Bela Lugosi-ham job), and a young Pat Morita just aren’t funny. No, the gag of Severn Darden’s (the Apes franchise) art collector walking around on his knees isn’t funny.
So, do we blame our TV movie god Steven Hilliard Stern for the out-dated, behind-the-times humor?
Nope.
Blame Mickey Rose, the brains behind the early ’60s Sid Caesar Show, as responsible for the comedic faux pas. And let us not forget the abysmal failures to spin off Tim Conway, Dean Martin, and Jonathan Winters into their own, out-of-date-before-they-made-it-to-air, one-season variety series. But wait . . . this is the same Mickey Rose who gave an assist to Woody Allen with What’s Up, Tiger Lily?, Take the Money and Run, and Allen’s first, runaway hit, Bananas (1971)? It is the same Mickey Rose!
So, what happened with Rose’s spoof of ’40s mafia films: one that plays, not as a film of the ’70s, but as a zany, madcap ’60s comedy, à la 1963’s It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World? But perhaps that was Rose’s scripting — and Stern’s — retro-intent? But who — in the post Vietnam ’70s — wants a zany, madcap ’60s throwback?
Was nothing learned from the failed Conway, Martin, and Winters TV series? Well, this sure as hell ain’t a Mel Brooks joint by any stretch of imaginary hopes. Maybe if Peter Sellers — who had to bow out due to a medical issue with his heart — remained as our hen-pecked, embezzler-cum-assassin?
So . . . Jordon Oliver (the awful Bob Dishy in the planned Sellers role) has been fired from his job for embezzlement. His wife wants a divorce. Now, Jordon decides on a insurance scam: take out a million dollar policy and bump off his rich wife (the never-hard-to-gaze-at Joanna Barnes of Spartacus and The Parent Trap). But that means she needs a medical examine — on the q.t. — so Jordon contracts a shady (and offensively-troped) doctor (a young Pat Morita) on the scam. Then, Jordon hires a hitman (Bill “Jose Jimenez” Dana, who, as with Tim Conway, leaves no wonder as to why he was stuck on TV for the remainder of his career). The comedy ensues as our lazy, inept hitman contracted another hitman. And its just goes on and on . . . and it gets sillier and sillier . . . and more groan-inducing with, what seems, the ad-libbed dopiness of desperate, no-longer-relevant comedians calling attention to themselves in an attempt to outdo the other . . . as the celluloid frames creak through the analog sprockets.
I mean, come on: one assassination attempt is by a-shark-in-the-swimming pool — complete with an “Acme Shark Rentals” truck at the curbside. And that’s after Dishy wears a chicken suit. And that’s after Dishy’s fakes a piano recital by way of a backstage dwarf (disguised as a daisy) on a mini-piano peckin’ off the classics. And Dishy’s awful, ongoing “Bogart” impression jokes. And on and on and on it goes . . . where it stops, nobody knows. Even at a meager one hour twenty-seven minutes, it’s still too long. No way Peter Sellers could have made this work. Never.
Ugh. Argh! What I do for you, Steven. What I do for you.
So, yeah. Cue the T.L.P Swicegood “Wah-Wah-waaaahhhhhhs” trombones from The Undertaker and his Pals, then file this madcap farce on the not-funny-words-on-a-dusty-shelf next to the analogous box office failures of Angel, Angel Down We Go, Myra Breckinridge, and Skidoo — as a celluloid curiosity to pick at on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Eh, well . . . at least Mickey Rose wrote and directed the original slasher spoof, Student Bodies. So, without ol’ Mickey, we’d have no ’90s Scream spoofs, so there’s that to ponder. And you can ponder it all — for free — on You Tube. Sure, it’s over on Amazon Prime, EPIX, and Paramount +, but do you really want to waste your hard-earned dollars on this? Do ya’ really? No, do you?
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Ricky Kasso, an American teenager who murdered his friend, Gary Lauwers, in an alleged (it wasn’t) “Satanic sacrifice” during the summer of 1984, is a name we’ve oft-spoken on the digitized pages of B&S About Movies. We’ve examined his giving-metal-a-bad-name exploits (but, as we come to learn through the frames of The Acid King: it was actually the media’s fault, not Kasso’s) in our reviews of the Keanu Reeves-starring River’s Edge (1986), Jim Van Bebber’s Deadbeat at Dawn (1988) (by way of his short film, My Sweet Satan (1994), based on Kasso’s exploits; he opines extensively, here), and a rather weak attempt at dramatizing the horrors as Black Circle Boys (1998). Other films based on David St. Clair’s (since discredit) book, Say You Love Satan (1987), are the better, Canadian-produced Ricky 6 (2000) (written and directed by Peter Filardi; he wrote The Craft in 1996), and the even weaker, fictionally-based Under Surveillance (2006) (aka Dark Chamber, starring underground horror queen Felissa Rose). Prior to these films, there was the gritty, B&W short (thirty-minutes) that fictionalized the myth: Where Evil Dwells (1985).
In the release-wake of The Acid King, we can also look forward to that film’s producer, Chandler Thistle, soon-to-be-released, ’70s drive-in styled throwback on the life of Ricky Kasso: Lucifer’s Satanic Daughter (2022), a film which plays it loose with the tale: after sacrificing his best friend, Ricky really does summon a witch.
The final, accurate word.
While the aforementioned David St. Clair’s book was the first document on Ricky Kasso’s life — one that quickly became a best-selling paperback (a “bible” we carried in our back pockets, as we did with the Jim Morrison paperback tale, No One Here Gets out Alive*) — that Dell Books’ paperback was left to fall out-of-print when it was discovered St. Clair’s work was not only heavily fictionalized: it also plagiarized several portions of “Kids in the Dark,” a November 1984 exposé on Kasso written by David Breskin for Rolling Stone.
However, the discredited David St. Clair was simply hoping the “Christian Scare” bandwagon. The since discredited best seller wholly responsible for the “Satanic Panic” craze of the ’80s was Lawrence Pazder’s Michelle Remembers (November 1980) where Michelle Smith alleges she was a “victim of Satanic ritual abuse led by her own mother.” Then there’s Laurel Rose Wilson’s equally discredited best seller — under the name of Lauren Stratford — of her own “ritualistic abuse” in the pages of Satan’s Underground (July 1991). The “panic” reached it apogee with “The Devil Worshipers,” ABC-TV’s irresponsible, 30-minute segment on a May 16, 1985, edition of their highly-rated, hour-long news magazine, 20/20 — which leads off with the exploits of the “Acid King” himself, Ricky Kasso. (Smith’s and Wilson’s exploits have since been chronicled with their own film: 2023’s Satan Wants You.)
As for The Acid King: the film is not based on St. Clair’s discredited work, but Jesse P. Pollack’s own, well-received Simon Schuster book of the same name: a responsibly-written, nonfiction account of Ricky Kasso’s life; one that contains, not speculations or plagiarisms, but first-hand interviews with Ricky Kasso’s friends, family, and the investigators who worked the case. Pollack also takes it one step further: he examines the irresponsible, sensationalist journalism, noted above, that led to the creation of St. Clair’s work and its inspiration in the creation of the above noted films (and as we learn from the film: bands and their song catalogues).
The ongoing influence of Ricky Kasso.
Pollack is a writer of distinction when it come to New Jersey-New York-bred crimes. His first book, Death on the Devil’s Teeth (2015), investigated the somewhat similar, 1972 murder (occult sacrifice) on the cold case of Jeannette DePalma. Born and raised in the garden state of New Jersey, Pollack serves as a contributing writer for Weird NJ magazine, since 2001. As an accomplished musician, his soundtrack work appears in Driving Jersey, an Emmy-nominated PBS documentary series. (The soundtrack to The Acid King, not so much a “soundtrack,” but a montage of queasy-inducing, Blair Witch-styled noises, is an excellent complement to its subject matter that needs its own release.)
While I enjoy film documentaries (especially true-crime documents, then music docs; since The Acid King is amalgamate, it’s a win-win) I know the documentary-storytelling format isn’t for everyone. So, while I do not mind this insightful investigation’s one hour fifty-minute running time (a limited-edition “work print” briefly streamed on Amazon in October 2019 at two hours twenty-three minutes), that length — mostly narrated by talking heads — may discourage others to stream it. That’s my only reservation towards the film: the length, for the work, as result of its honest desire to finally set the story, straight, encourages (an engaging) steaming. As we’ve discussed many times at B&S About Movies: We are no longer in the lands of ’90s indie theatrical features distributed by the likes of Fine Line Features, Fox Searchlight, and Miramax, and 80-minute home video DVDs. Today’s distribution platform is all about digital streaming and the new distribution model allows filmmakers to break the rules when it comes to the art of storytelling. Filmmakers, today, can bypass studios, self-distribute and go straight the consumer — while indulging and not commercially compromise their vision.
The 30-plus minutes edited out of the 2019 work print-version for this 2021 streaming-relaunch are the film’s sidebars to other “Satanic Panic” cases from the ’80s in the wake of the Ricky Kasso case (we discuss those cases in our reviews of Black Circle Boys and River’s Edge); the new-distributed version concentrates on Ricky’s case, as it was the “Satanic Panic” harbinger. Other superfluous, irrelevant interviews (too much talking-headin’ from Jim Van Beeber and musicians who weren’t there; too much Amityville Horror tangents**) have been excised. Still, even with that earlier version’s narrative and production faux-pas (mostly in sound): the film is still real; its honesty in documenting the unfiltered truth is to be commended.
Oh, Geraldo. First the failure at Al Capone’s vault, now this.*˟
In reviewing the previous coverage of Ricky Kasso’s crimes, until The Acid King, the only U.S.-made examinations as to the “whys” behind Kasso’s crimes was, again, ABC-TV’s 20-20 segment, “The Devil Worshipers” (1985), the later “Devil Worship: Exposing Satan’s Underground” (1988), a prime-time episode of the syndicated Geraldo series hosted by Geraldo Rivera, and “Occult Killers” (2012), an episode of The Biography Channel’s (later to airing on LMN) Killer Kids series (S1:E1). Another is a critically-derided, hour-length Australian news magazine television document, “Satan in the Suburbs” (2000), which opted to enhance its insights with superfluous, A&E-styled “reenactments” of the events (some of which came from the movie, Ricky 6).
The system failed him: the system blamed Satan.
Considering those are hour-long programs, once you add in commercials, the actual running-time of those programs is about 40 to 45 minutes. I’ve read both, Say You Love Satan and The Acid King, and those episodic TV documents are greatly truncated, merely scratching the investigative surfaces: they’re also irresponsible, “Satanic Panic” agenda-driven pieces. The irresponsibility of those television, as well as magazine and newspaper, journalists (sans the responsible work of Rolling Stone‘s David Breskin) were exasperated by David St. Clair’s wreckless, religious-driven journalistic mania for the Paul and Jan Couch TBN crowd (Clip 1 and Clip 2 of their son Paul’s “Backmasking Special”; their minion, Pastor Gary, and his show, “The Eagle’s Next”: Clip 1, Clip 2, and Clip 3).
Jesse P. Pollack’s book is not only vastly superior to St. Clair’s (regardless of the controversies surrounding the book — which we did not know at the time of its release — it is still a well-written, entertaining read), his film is a superior, accurate account against those TV episodic documentaries. Where all other accounts stop, and inaccurately dismissed Ricky Kasso as the leader of a rock music-driven Satanic cult, Pollack’s film takes the necessary steps to examine the media’s irresponsible, “Satanic Panic” aftermath that came to influence (by way of duping, we learn) filmmakers and musicians. As The Acid King points out: Ricky’s crime is not to be excused; however, it was not a case of his being a “perfect kid” who started smoking joints, discovered Ozzy Osbourne’s music, then fell under Satan’s influence and decided to “sacrifice” someone.
Speaking of ’80s metal mixed with Satan: Visit our “No False Metal Movies” week of Satanic Panic-inspired film reviews.
While Jesse P. Pollack’s work is not as visually engaging as Tom O’Dell’s stellar, final documentary word on Charles Manson’s life with Manson: Music From an Unsound Mind (2019)**, or Joe Berlinger’s three-part Paradise Lost film franchise (1996/200/2011) on the tragic West Memphis 3 case, Pollack’s film is, nonetheless, an accurately-crafted, against-the-budget final word on the life and ongoing influence of Ricky Kasso. The Acid King also serves as a lesson to organized religion and big media: get the facts straight and enough with the self-serving sensationalism. And the fact that Ozzy Osbourne wasn’t on a recruiting drive for Satan, AC/DC doesn’t mean “Anti-Christ Devil Child,” KISS doesn’t mean “Kids in Satan’s Service,” W.A.S.P doesn’t mean “We Are Sexual Perverts” (or, insert your eyeroll: “We Are Satan’s Pawns”), and Tipper Gore was simply a woman with too much time on her hands who created the “Satanic Panic” industry.
The Acid King is a film that needs to exist about a man who shouldn’t have existed and a myth that should not have been created by an insatiable media and delusional religious fervor in the first place (but let’s not transform Kasso into a modern-day, Masonesque anti-folk hero for t-shirts and posters; he’s a murderer, after all). It’s a past that needs to be chronicled . . . so we do not repeat it.
But we always do, don’t we? We are human, after all.
And some of us are more human than others. And the less human do end up on tee-shirts and become infamous. . . .
The Acid King premieres-on-demand on November 9, 2021, through Wild Eye Releasing. You can learn more about the best-selling and acclaimed paperback that serves as the film’s basis at Goodreads, as well as sample several pages at Amazon Prime. You can learn more about the film and Jesse P. Pollack’s wares on Twitter, Instagram, and Simon and Schuster. Pollack also speaks at length with Micheal Whelan on his Unresolved podcast (45 minutes).
Update, March 2022: You can now watch The Acid King as a free-with-ads stream on Tubi.
Update, October 2022: Wild Eye Releasing issued the Blu-ray version. In addition to the HD-version of the film, the extras include a commentary track from co-writer/co-directors Jesse P. Pollack and Dan Jones, and Executive Producer Chandler Thistle, along with behind and deleted scenes features, extended interviews not appearing in the film, behind-the-scenes and crime scene photos image galleries, and two, full Unresolved podcast recordings regarding the Ricky Kasso case.
* We get down and dirty with Jim Morrison in our review of Larry Buchanan’s “What If” tale, Down on Us. We also discuss AC/DC’s lone feature film that broke them in the U.S., Let There Be Rock — a production ironically connected to the “No False Metal” classic, Rocktober Blood.
** We discuss the earlier influences Charles Manson had on filmmakers of the ’70s with our review of Lee Madden’s The Night God Screamed. We also discuss the religious and journalistic mania surrounding Ricky Kasso’s ’70s doppelganger: Ronald DeFeo, Jr., in our “Exploring: Amityville” featurette.
Straight outta the McMurray township, southwest of Pittsburgh, Giuseppe Lucarelli got his start in the business as a background actor on Northeastern U.S. and New York-shot network TV series such as Law and Order and Lipstick Jungle. As with Florida-based actors Chris Levine and Michigan-based Mason Heidger (Now Way Out and Tomorrow Is Yesterday, respectively), Lucarelli had enough of the auditions, the film school shorts and all of the other crazy hoops young acting hopefuls navigate. So he formed his own production company, Mountain Wind Productions, to write and direct Checkmate, his feature film debut (David Minniefield co-directs). He stars as Kyle Braddock, the medical examiner son of the recently murdered Chief Braddock “with a special set of skills” reluctantly drawn into an action-packed, downward spiral. The rest of the unknown, effective cast is headed by Sara Torres (roles on TV’s Dynasty and Cobra Kai), Matthew McCurdy (Agent Wells on CW’s Daredevil), and Dave Whalen (support roles in the theatrical features The Fault in Our Stars, Southpaw, and Jack Reacher).
Produced over a four-year period in and around Canonsburg, Southpointe, Pittsburgh’s Southside and Marketsquare, an assassin-serial killer known as Checkmate (James Quinn, lots of background work on Steel Town-shot features) has kidnapped — so the city believes — the daughter (Sara Torres) of the city’s new “Top Cop,” Chief Masters (Dave Whalen), in retaliation for his highly publicized crackdown on the human trafficking trade plaguing the city. This is a dark Pittsburgh: cops are in on the trafficking. Meanwhile, Kyle has actually rescued Katie Masters — and he’s on the run for the cop murders perpetrated by Checkmate. Now, two cops: one honest, one corrupt (the under-the-radar impressive Arash Mokhtar alongside the imposing Matthew McCurdy from Daredevil) race against time to uncover the truth.
The usual road for a new-to-the-scene indie filmmaker is horror: they’re cheap and easy to make because all you need is a patch of woods or swatch of desert and you’re ready to shoot. Taking on the action genre against-the-budget — in the city limits, no less — is not a small, easy task. The production values on this debut feature by Giuseppe Lucarelli, while on-a-budget, are nontheless higher in quality than your average Lifetime damsel-in-distress production (the Sara Torres connection). As a director, Lucarelli knows his camera and effectively froths his Iron City-locations into an effective noirish foam. He’s also pulled the best from his actors: sure, they’re not award-winning, but they’re not staccato-line reading thespians, either. His scripting is pretty solid as well. One of his nice turns of the Final Draft occurs when entering Katie’s apartment: Kyle tells her to wait, as it seems the bad guys have trashed her apartment looking for a crucial laptop, only to discover: “You mean you live like this?”.
We are not going to sugar coat: the reviews on Amazon and the IMDb haven’t been kind. And yes, this was shot in the hometown Pittsburgh-base of B&S About Movies — but that doesn’t mean we’re crackin’ the Olde Frothingslosh and giving Checkmate a raving, free-pass on our pages. If you’ve spent any time at our site, you know the rules: we are not going to review a film to tear down an indie filmmaker’s sincere efforts. So, if you’ve made it this far into the review, you know we’re not going to steer you wrong. Sure, Checkmate isn’t a perfect film, but there’s something streaming-worthy happening here. There’s a skill set and class in the frames from all concerned, so crack the Rolling Rock, and enjoy.
I’ve been down this new, indie-action road before with Prince Bagdasarian’s Abducted and Steven C. Miller’s serviceable action-thrillers packed with morally-screwed characters, such as the Bruce Willis-starringFirst Kill (2017), the Nicolas Cage-starring Arsenal (2018), and the Aaron Eckhart-starringLine of Duty (2019). Ditto for Claire Forlani upending the male-dominated genre with Inferno: Skyscraper Escape and Precious Cargo. Those films, however, benefited from their higher, under $5 million budgets. So what we have in the frames of Checkmate is more akin to the recent Eric Roberts-starring more cost-effective action-thriller (and he’s in the film more than most of his 590-plus films), Lone Star Deception — and that’s not a bad thing. Checkmate is a serviceable streaming action-thriller, but if you’re hitting the big red streaming button expecting a Willis-Cage joint awash in Bayos n’ Bayhems with an Eckart-chiseled jaw charisma, well . . . don’t do that. Add Giuseppe Lucarelli’s effort to the list and you’ll enjoy the thrilling ride.
One of the standouts of Checkmate is the soundtrack by Alex Triveri, who also doubled on the cinematography crew. He’s created a nice, Tangerine Dream-styled vibe in spots — giving Checkmate a low-res, Micheal Mann à la Thief — and I have no doubt he’s a fan of those German soundtrack masters. In addition to Triveri, Adrienne Wagner serves on the camera crew headed by William Feduska — in his second feature film, with his first being the found-footage horror The Devil’s Toy Box (2017). I really enjoy Feduska’s lighting and framing, here. So I’ll not only seek out his first film: if I see his name in the future, I’ll stream that film, as well.
Another appreciation is the gunfire effects: there are none, as those effects are effectively cutaway and implied. An action aficionado may feel denied by the lack of squibs and the use of blank weapons fire. Personally, CGI gun fire and After Effects bullet wounds — which is the budgetary norm for films of this ilk, well, they just don’t work for me. So, I appreciate the cutaway trick-of-the-eye-and-sound: I rather that than budgetary CGI bullets. (Please, save your sociopolitcal debates about Alec Baldwin and guns on sets. That’s not why we’re here. This is a movie review.)
Coming soon!
Making its self-released debut in June 2019 on Tubi, Checkmate now makes its wider spread, free-with-ads stream debut this month on You Tube courtesy of Indie Rights Movies**. If you prefer an ads-free experience, you can stream the film on Amazon Prime. And make an effort to stream, you should: Half of the profits from the film’s streaming income will be donated to World Central Kitchen, a nonprofit launched by celebrity chef Jose Andres that provides meals for people impacted by natural disasters.
You can learn more about actor, writer and director Giuseppe Lucarelli — and his work in the martial arts — courtesy of his recent interview (You Tube) on the Jibber Jabber Podcast.
Giuseppe Lucarelli has also recently completed shooting on his second feature, The First Seal. An action-thriller, it stars Rachel Keller, who you’ve recently enjoyed on episodes of the FOX-TV series Legion and Fargo.
You say you need more Yinzer movies? Well, we heard ol’ Marsha Phillips sing, so we got down and dirty in the Monongahela mud with Pittsburgh-made giallo films courtesy of our “Exploring:Yinzer Giallo” featurette (which has a Rowdy Herrington Easter Egg-interview!). Hey, somebody needs to deep think these things . . . and our flabby, soft-as-veal, cubicle-raised bodies are up to the film critic challenge. Also, this past February, for one of our “Back to the Drive-In” double-features nights, we watched the sort-of-Yinzer flicks Frankenstein 3-D paired with The Majorettes.
* Our thanks to Brad Hundt of The Washington Observer-Reporter for his August 2021 interview, which assisted us in the writing of this film review to honor the indie filmmaking efforts of Giuseppe Lucarelli.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.In addition to writing film reviews for B&S About Movies, hepublishes music journalism pieces, as well as short stories based on his screenplays, on Medium.
The one and only “Evil Woman Creeping from Dark” available on Shutterstock for indie filmmakers of the direct-to-video realms to clip-art into orb-tedium.
Image credit: Dmytro Konstantynov, by way of Felipe M. Guerra.
Courtesy of the investigative entertainment journalism of Felipe M. Guerra, with his article “When the Overuse of Stock Photos Creates an Unexpected ‘Star System’: Familiar faces keep appearing on cheap movie covers,” we’ve come to know the “Evil Woman Creeping from Dark” photo, seen above, is Ukrainian model Maria Konstantynova. We also know that she’s not an actress, she’s never appeared in a horror movie, and she’s not a professional model. But she is the wife of Dmytro Konstantynov, a photographer working with stock images, posting his wares on Shutterstock since 2007.
So, against our better judgement, we’re taking it upon ourselves — and curse you, Felipe, may the evil woman of the dark haunt your dreams — we’re going to review all of these German/Euro-released movies that feature Maria Konstantynova on the cover. Now, Felipe gave a “special thanks” to his filmmaker friend René Wiesner, whose own Facebook post regarding stock photos on DVD covers inspired the writing of Felipe’s article.
Well, we’re sending you a very special curse, René. You’ve been warned. As if I don’t have enough crap movies to review. . . . Oh, well. Let’s unpack ’em (alphabetically). And this is a bit long of an unpack: so bookmark us and come back as your one-stop Maria Konstantynova movie source!
The Films:
Absentia (2011) Clowntown (2016) The Hillside Stranglings (2004) Horror Cuts (2012) The Levenger Tapes (2013) A Night in the Woods (2011) NightThrist (2004) The Possession of Sophie Love (2013) Return of Killer Shrews (2012) Roadkill (2011)
More Films:
Atomic Shark (2016) Attack of the Killer Ants (2019) Frames of Fear 2 (2018) The Hospital (2013) Martyrs (2015)
Absentia (2011)
Remember Mike Flanagan and his box office hit, Oculus (2013)? Well, he made his writing and directing bones with star Katie Parker, later of Doctor Sleep (2019), in this Euro-clip artfest. However, unlike most of the films on this list featuring Maria Konstantynova on the cover: this is a well-made, Lovecraftian-styled horror of shadows and inferring and little-to-no shock scares.
A widowed woman (Courtney Bell) and her drug-addicted sister (Parker) discover the link between a mysterious subway tunnel to a series of disappearances — including that of her own husband: after seven years, he’s “Dead in Absentia.” Sure, it’s not as great as Oculus, but Flanagan’s class and style — on a meager $75,000 budget, mind you — is shining through, leaving you knowing he’s moving on to something bigger.
As with the recent, pretty decent Clown Fear (2020): The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the retro-model, here, getting a coat of colorful, facial grease paint, sans any skin masks. Okay, maybe Wes Craven’s The Hills Have Eyes is the mold. Okay, well, maybe these guys grew up with Rob Zombie’s take on the material, aka House of a 1000 Corpses. Anyway, the “guys” in this case are Ohio filmmaker Tom Nagel directing his brother Brian in their feature film debut (next up for the duo was 2018’s The Toybox).
Ugh. Without the prattle of the plethora of other “killer clown” movies, this is a lesson in pure boredom and predictability — rife with awful acting and cheap gore — as a group of friends are stranded in the ubiquitous, deserted small town populated by a gang of psychopaths dressed as clowns.
The Hillside Stranglings, aka The Hillside Strangler (2004)
In the never-ending quest to squeeze every last Euro out of a U.S.-made TV movie in the overseas marketplace: there’s Maria Konstantynova giving new life to a film that deserves not.
Sure, the tutelage of C. Thomas Howell (The Outsiders) and Nicholas Turturro (brother of John and of the currently on-the-air U.S. TV series Chicago P.D) starring as Bianchi and Buono led me to rent The Hillside Strangler (2004). However, regardless of its claims of being “a more accurate portrayal,” in the shadow of the stellar quality of Crenna’s 1989 TV movie The Case of the Hillside Strangers, this direct-to-video leftoverture left me feeling that this Howell-fronted version worked as a fictional piece — not an accrate serial killer biography — plotted around two (dark) historical figures.
So, yeah, don’t be duped by the “Producers of Ed Gein and Bundy” tagline: those films are just as low-budget and dopey-pathetic in their aftermarket tedium. The “Palisades Tartan Extreme” banner that’s not on the U.S. version? Uh, well, the U.S. version isn’t “extreme” in the least, so we’re guessing the overseas cut offers graphic, U.S.-delete scenes? Whatever, eh, it’s still better than most of the U.S. junk Maria’s shilling within the Deutschland borders.
Watch it on Amazon. Yikes, there’s a lot of C.Thomas Howell flicks on Tubi, just not this one. C.Tom’s okay, so make a day of it!
Horror Cuts: Bitches, Satans and Hellraisers (2012)
What “Doctor Death” is presenting here is four overseas, never-issued-in-the-U.S. horror films in a one-pack: Ugly Bitches (could be Crazy Bitches from 2014), Prince of Darkness (we think it’s Amir El Zalam from 2002), Walking the Dead (2010), and Frankenstein (your guess is as good as ours).
It’s not listed on the IMDb, but we found a DVD copy on Amazon, if you dare. But wait . . . the run time is only one hour seventeen minutes? So, it’s none of the films, noted above . . . but four short films cobbled on one DVD. Perhaps one of our German readers can clue us in as to what’s under the Maria Konstantynova cover.
If you find it on streaming platforms, let us know.
The Levenger Tapes (2013)
If the word “tape” doesn’t give it away: we’re dealing with another witch of the Blair variety. As with the later, Roadkill, below: we have three college kids (Johanna Brady of U.S. TV’s Quantico and Lili Mirojnick of Cloverfield, if you care) heading out into the woods — to look for a fabled cemetery — near one of the friend’s parents’ mountain home. Of course, the cameras are rolling, but instead of witch: they run into criminals-on-the-run . . . and vanish.
The always-welcomed Chris Mulkey (going way back to The Killing of Randy Webster and Act of Love) — who always deserves better than direct-to-video drek — is the detective watching the tapes to solve the boring mystery. And is it ever boring. Oh, is it ever.
You can fight the Zzzzzzzz on Tubi or as a PPV on You Tube to avoid the spot-load.
A Night in the Woods (2011)
Ugh, more “found footage” triffle? Yep, this British version of The Blair Witch Project tells the tale of Brody, his gal Kerry, and bud Leo as they go-a-campin’ in the haunted sticks of the legendary Wistman’s Woods outside the village of Dartmoor. Love triangles ensue as the wood’s ancient evil — yes, a witch — shows up to add to the terror.
Four Stars, you say?
Well, I must have watched the wrong movie: this is amateurish and boring with bad-everything. Even more so than the previous Blair-inspired snooze-fest. Oh, our fair Maria, Queen of the Crawling Dark, you deserve a better clip-art’in than this ultra low-budget British horror mess.
Night Thirst is obviously an alternate, Euro-overseas title to another film that doesn’t populate on the IMDb, Letterboxd, or Amazon. Google searches take us back to . . . well, Felipe M. Guerra’s original article that started this streaming torture chamber to hell in the first place.
Eh, it’s all par for the digital greens when chintzy studio shingles pack their wares by way of stock photo-manipulating art departments failing to list actors on the cover to make our research, easier. Again, we defer to our German readers (and as it turns out, French readers) to clear it up. If you find the film on DVD or streaming, let us know.
Update: November 7, 2021: From the “We Again Bow to Felipe M. Guerra’s ResearchDepartment“: Turns out the title of this film is NightThirst, aka NighThrist, — stylized as one word with the “T” capitalized. No wonder we couldn’t track it down. . . . So, as Felipe pointed out: “NightThrist is a movie released, here [France], an SOV production where most of the budget must have been used to buy Maria’s stock photo!” While released in France in 2002, it was released in the U.S. in 2004 . . . and by the way: You know the “shot-on-video” genre is our B&S jam: it’s why it has its own category at the site.
So, anyway: Felipe sends us the IMDb link. We open the link. We scream in glee and bounce off the walls and run outside and swing off the girders of the Monongahela’s Smithfield Street Bridge — it’s a Mark and John Polonia and Brett Piper co-production, who shoot their films in our home state (and throughout the Northeastern U.S., mostly in New Hampshire). Yes!
Well, we have to take into account the Polonia shingle was just starting out nineteen years ago and is only thirteen films into their insane 60-plus SOV-resume. As with the above Horror Cuts: our absolute sweet Maria is swilling another omnibus film of four tales: “Terror,” “Tag,” “Demon Forest,” and “Christmas in July” wrapped-around by a stranded tow-truck driver, “Van Roth” (our director Jon McBride of Cannibal Campout and Woodchipper Massacre; both 1988), who ends up at a remote county home to hear the tales.
Again, we say to the clip-art Art Department: Could you have at least put: “From the director of Cannibal Campout and Woodchipper Massacre” and “Featuring special effects by Brett Piper of Mysterious Planet” on the sleeve? How difficult and costly could adding that bit o’ 12-point courier font, be?
Sorry, streaming masochist: Amazon, FShare, Tubi, and You Tube come up dry. But why am I having a premonition I’ll find this in the cut-out $1.00 DVD bins at Big Lots or Dollar Tree . . . stay tuned.
Okay, were is my lithium to calm my Piper-Polonia OCD . . . oh, shite . . . another episode of compulsion!
Update: November 14, 2021: From the “Maria Konstantynova is the Gift that Keeps on Giving Department“: It turns out our good friends at Wild Eye Entertainment are “the chintzy shingle” (Sorry! The studio did most of the Polonia flicks, noted above) responsible for the NighThirst art. The studio created the art for a French movie they acquired, named Nightshot . . . and the producer felt our sweet Maria (are you nuts?) “did not fit his movie,” (yes she does!), so Wild Eye scrapped the art work. Around that same time, Wild Eye acquired Mark Polonia’s NighThrist for Amazon Digital and needed art, quickly — so the studio temporarily repurposed the rejected Nightshot art work. NighThrist was available on Amazon Digital for about six months. According to Wild Eye, Polonia Entertainment’s horror omnibus NighThrist will be re-released to streaming and DVD with proper artwork in the future.
As for the France-produced Night Shot, aka Nightshot (2018): Sure enough, there it is on the IMDb with 20 user (English) reviews. Knock yourself out. For when you disrespect Maria, your film shall not be reviewed, here. Figure it out for yourself, ye Shakespeare: to stream or not to stream, that is the question.
Thanks to the Wild Eye gang for being good sports. Now, back to the celluloid craptacular.
The Possession of Sophie Love (2013)
Ugh, more Brit direct-to-video junk. Why, Maria? Why do you hate me so?
British low-budget auteur Philip Gardiner has written 57 movies and directed 105 — most are direct-to-video documentaries (on Hitler, Nostradamus, a few on The Bible, and Knights Templar), but there’s some horror and sci-fi in there, with the direct-to-DVD streamer likes of Robot Planet and The Killing Floor.
So, we have Jimmy, interning to become a psychologist, interviewing the teen-but-locked-up-in-a-child’s-home Sophie for his video thesis project at college. Turns out, Sophie had a happy home life, but blacked out, woke up, and found her mum n’ dad — dead. Yeah . . . Sophie soon sprouts a few different voices as the pea soup flies. And in some video quarters: Sophie’s last name is Lee, not Love. So go figure.
There’s no streams on Tubi or Amazon, but yikes . . . the You Tube trailer looks bad, as in awful. So, do you really need to see this? Do ya, huh? Do ya? No, really. Do you?
Return of the Killer Shrews, aka Mega Rats (2012)
Ever wondered where the Syfy Channel got the inspiration for their Sharknado franchise and every other film preceded by “Mega” in the title? Well, you may have never seen 1959’s The Killer Shrews, but here’s the sequel to get you up to speed.
Fifty-three years after being attacked by killer shrews on a remote island, Captain Thorne Sherman (James Best returning from the 1959 original) is hired by a reality television crew to return to the island. Since Ken Curtis (Festus from U.S. TV’s long-running Gunsmoke) passed away in 1991, the always-welcomed Bruce Davison (of the rat-famed original, Willard — yuk, yuk) takes on the role of Sherman’s sidekick, Jerry Farrell. Upping the I-want-to-watch quotient is Best’s Dukes of Hazzard TV-castmates in John Schneider and Rick Hurst.
While the original was good clean, snowy UHF-TV fun — with its coon hounds dressed in fur and fake fangs as giant shrews (a small insectivorous mammal resembling a mouse) — the CGI rats this go-around . . . well, just overlook it all and just enjoy James Best, once again, carrying a film.
Are you a fan of Lake Placid 3, Resident Evil: Afterlife, and I Spit on Your Grave 3? Then you’ll enjoy seeing British actress Kacey Clarke (of the long-running British series Grange Hill and The Inbetweeners) in this Ireland-shot, 24th entry in the “Maneater Series” made by RHI Entertainment for the SyFy Channel. You say you want to see all of the films in the series? Their Wikipage has the full listing.
Actually, Roadkill is not all that bad and the $2 million spent on the film shows on screen, and Stephen Rea (the Brit rock flick, Still Crazy, V for Vendetta, an Oscar-nod for The Crying Game) shows up . . . but didn’t I see this all before with Stephen King’s Thinner?
Let me explain: Kacey and her three friends travel the Irish countryside in an R.V., they steal a small town’s cherish medallion, then hit an old woman; she unleashes a Roc: the mythical bird of the cover (clipped art from who knows where and pasted-in with our sweet Maria), that hunts them down one by one. See? Thinner, only without the weight loss.
Give it a try with a slice of Strawberry pie, on You Tube.
Oh, no! There’s more? Who is she?
Courtesy of Shutterstock by way of Felipe.
Felipe M. Guerra also tracked down the reuse of the above photo. So, curse him, again, as we’re going to review those movies — the celluloid masochists that we are — as well.
Felipe also managed to contact the photographer responsible for the image; this time the photographer didn’t want to comment on the photo’s use. It’s since been removed from Shutterstock’s image bank.
Oy. Let’s unpack this quintet of films.
My eyeballs are toast. My brains are fried.
Atomic Shark, aka Saltwater (2016)
Oy, those Digital Content Managers of the IMDb are on the ball: This chum-epic is listed twice: as the TV movie Saltwater and the direct-to-DVD Atomic Shark. Ah, but the casts are totally different in each film. But wait . . . why is U.S. TV actor David Faustino in both, but Jeff Fahey — who we came to see — only appears in the first one, originally known as Saltwater? The first is directed by A.B Stone (Lake Placid vs. Anaconda, if you care), the latter film is by Lisa Palencia (Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy).
Argh! What the hell is going on, here, besides this being another IMDb-film rife with fake cast and crew reviews rating their chum with “9s” and “10s” — as we apologize to our fellow German film lovers for its reissue in their Motherland.
Well, as for Saltwater, aka Atomic Shark: When a lifeguard catches wind of a “dangerous anomaly” off the coast of San Diego — a radioactive shark (complete in glowing-red CGI) that causes bathers burst into flames — she commissions a band of unlikely heroes (Fahey and Faustino) to assist her on a suicide mission to save the west coast from total destruction. Now, according to the IMDB’er users: that is only the plot to A.B Stone’s, and not the plot to Lisa Palencia’s chum-opus. And sorry, Lisa. A.B’s was more than I could take. I am not watching your ode to radioactive selachimorpha.
Look, Jeff Fahey and David Faustino are the ne’er-do-well heros, here, okay, so you decide. But be warned: it’s all cheap, poorly written, and overacted to the extreme. Did we learn nothing from Godzilla, folks? Quit atomic testing in the deep ocean waters.
Sorry, no streams, but the You Tube trailer . . . yikes. Why did you make me write about this, Maria? Why? Are you really that hot that I’ll endure bad films for you. Oh, hell yes, and a bag o’ chips.
How I am feeling right about now.
Angriff der Killerameisen, aka Attack of the Killer Ants (2019)
Ah, everything is new again in the overseas markets . . . as the U.S. Texas-made Invicta (Latin for “undefeated”), itself aka’in as Killer Ants in 2009 in some U.S. quarters, returns in Germany under a new title.
Our young couple of Cory and Evan return to their roots in rural Texas to start a family. When Evan accepts a position as an English professor at the local college, the real nightmare begins for him and his entomologist wife: a fire ant plague sweeps across the Longhorn state. The ants, natch, aren’t made by Mother Nature, but by a mad scientist who employs Cory — out for the usual, trope-revenge on the town that scoffed at his research.
Oy! The bad effects. And Bad Sound. And Bad Acting. And Bad plotting. And there’s no budget. But the CGI ants aren’t bad, well, er, they’re not as awful as the rest of this mess. But seriously: Is the German entertainment industry so hard up that, instead of making their own movies, they’re reduced to redressing crappy American streamers?
Aren’t you glad we put in the effort to find a copy on Tubi? Well, are yah? Are yah? No, really? Are you?
Yes. I should have. Too late now. Almost done watching them all.
Brutality, aka Frames of Fear 2 (2018)
Join your host, Festering Frank, as he “returns from the grave” to bring you five more terrifying tales of blood-soaked horror of gory graveyards, mutated mothers, psycho Santas, and killer couples.
Okay, then. Maybe if Maria Konstantynova starred in one of the vignettes?
Eh, you can find out for yourself on Tubi. Hey! We even found “Part 3”: Frames of Fear 3 (2021) on Tubi and Amazon! Nope, sorry. There’s no stream of the first one. That’s all on you to dig up. Watching “Part 2,” which I didn’t finish, was enough for me. Hey, I’m doin’ it all for you, Maria!
I feel sick.
The Hospital (2013)
Okay, so old St. Leopold’s Hospital has many urban legends surrounding it, but the residents of little ‘ol Bridgeport all agree on one thing: tortured souls roam its abandoned halls. Of course, the mystery proves too much for a pretty young student who decides to investigate the legend for her senior class project.
Okay.
Apparently, writer and director Daniel Emery Taylor’s first installment did okay, since he made a sequel in 2015 — and he stars in both as the creepy Stanley Creech who haunts the halls. And they’re both on one German DVD two-pack to enjoy — Boy, Howdy!
Sorry, we can’t find any streams on Tubi or Amazon, but You Tube offers it as a PPV. But I don’t know . . . Oy, that trailer . . . to each his own. Again, do yah? No, really. Do you?
Me: a celluloid martyr for the cause.
Martyrs (2015)
Did you see the well-received French-Canadian original from 2008?
Well, if you did, that film makes this CGI’d American remake mess from the Annabelle and The Conjuring franchises team, even worse.
Yeah, if you witnessed the hopeless, art film darkness of Alexandre Aja’s New French Extreme hit, High Tension (2003), or Ryûhei Kitamura‘s brutal (Am I the only one who liked it?), serial-killer trope-upending, No One Lives (2012), then this remake will really disappoint. Sure, it’s not all awful, but it pales (and the violence is U.S.-lightened, of course) to the original. It’s all just so unnecessary, you know, like the U.S. Ju-On remake and endless sequels and reboots.
Hey, you don’t believe me? Rotten Tomatoes has it at 9% — and that’s nine percents too many, in my opinion.
It’s about a young girl escaping from her kidnapper’s lair, then struggling to fit in at the orphanage where she is sent. There, she makes friends with another abused orphan. Together, they seek out revenge on those who victimized and abused them.
You can watch it on Tubi. But seriously: stream the original, instead.
As Felipe pointed out in his article: Wouldn’t it be great if a filmmaker decides to explore the already popular faces of these stock photo-starlets and put them in a real horror movie — and not just on the cover.
I’d pay to stream that movie.
Speaking of Jon McBride . . . Coming late November 2021: a Jon McBride hootenanny!
* Thanks to Felipe M. Guerra and René Wiesner for tracking down the one-sheets and video box art used in this article. We tip our hats and bow, sirs.
You see: Kind, constructive review-comments and contact-messages from our readers, filmmakers, and distributors creates wonderful content and makes the love of and writing of films, funfor all concerned.
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