“There’s bad and then there’s boring-bad and this is just bad, which is a nice thing to say.”
— Sam Panico of B&S About Movies in his review of Brett Kelly’s Jurassic Shark
In our never-ending quest to review every shark flick ever released, we just have to. . . .
Besides, when you have Mark Polonia, who we jam on over here at B&S About Movies (who treaded these waters before with the bonkers Shark Encounters of the Third Kind) making a (unofficial) sequel to Brett Kelly’s nine year old film, who we also jam on at B&S (who slopped these waters before with Ouija Shark), well, we just have to. . . .
Do we have to tell you the CGI shark is bad and that the acting — babbling about the dangers of bio-engineering — is bad? That’s there not one practical, in-camera gunshot, blood drop, or explosion effect to be had? That the wide-to-close up continuity is beyond fubar’d? Yeah, we just have to. . . .
So, anyway, if you missed the Brett Kelly instigator: The (50-foot) megalodon unleashed by an oil rig frackin’ up the ocean floor in the first film is back, still swimming around the rig . . . one of the most understaffed rigs in the history of the fossil fuels industry because, well, the budget could only afford a cast of four. Well, there’s the folks in that local fishing village, flailing about as only bad “look at me” extras can.
“Dude, is the ’90s video game-era shark even original this film?”
Eh . . . with so many of these CGI “Shark Weak” films produced, these selachimorpha romps are probably recycling at a rate that would give Roger Corman pause. At least that shark jumping out of the ocean to clamp down on a CGI’d T-Rex poking along the beach — in a 50 million year flashback — looks new to the game. Why yes, that’s Polonia and Kelly — and sometimes Brett Piper — familiar stock players Jeff Kirkendall and Titus Himmelberger in the cast. At least, as Sam pointed out in his review of Brett Kelly’s Jurassic Shark, Mark Polonia’s sequel isn’t padded by twelve minutes of credits against fifty minutes of actual movie. To that end: we’ve only got two minutes of credits against a not-to-painfully quick 68-minutes . . . not counting the two minutes of opening titles of a shapely bikini babe wading in the water . . . who then swims for a minute, before her chomping. See, you can handle a 65-minute movie. . . .
Eh, stop your snobby bitchin’, ye film critic.
As is the case with any Brett Kelly flick (I liked Countrycide), or Polonia Brothers shingle swinger (which had the balls to mesh the shark genre and Amityville franchise via Amityville Island), or Brett Piper joint (who’s a god around here*) that comes down the streaming pipeline, we had a lot of ’60s retro drive-in fun. They all studied at the Dennis Divine School of Cinema**, so we likey.
In the middle of July, we rolled out a “Shark Weak” of reviews. During the earliest days of the site, we also rolled out a “Bastard Son of Jaws Week” and “Exploring: Ten Jaws Ripoffs” featurette. Yeah, that’s a lot of digital chum to swallow, but you can do it! Click those hyperlinks! Yeah, we know that Brett Kelly’s Raiders of the Lost Shark and Mark Polonia’s Virus Shark aren’t amid those reviews. Look, we are Polonia and Kelly fans, not masochists . . . but for more Polonia-related reviews, check out our reviews of Amityville Deathhouse, Amityville Exorcism, Empire of the Apes, Outpost Earth, and Return to Splatter Farm.
You can learn more about many of their films by visiting the Facebook page and official site of Wild Eye Releasing. Jurassic Shark 2 — as has Virus Shark — will probably end up on Tubi soon enough. But for those who can’t wait, it started streaming this week on You Tube and Amazon Prime. (Clicking either link will launch the official Wild Eye trailer.) Meanwhile, over at Asylum Studios, they’ve just released their own CGI shark fests that are Swim and Shark Season (I liked Swim; Shark Season not so much.) See, told you we are on a quest aboard the U.S.S B&S: all unofficial “Amityville” and “Jurassic” and “Shark” films will be watched!
* What? You never read our “Drive-In Friday: Brett Piper” night tribute? Bad B&S reader. Bad boy!
** What the hell, son? You never read our “Drive-In Friday: Dennis Devine” night tribute, either? You got sum hyperlinkin’ to do!
FYI: For our many European readers: Tubi is not available overseas without a U.S.-hosted proxy server. Please refer to You Tube or search on other streaming services. Wild Eye films are widely distributed, so you will surely find a streamable online copy in your country.