Ape Week: Revolt of the Empire of the Apes (2017)

In 2227, Earth has become the playground for the apes and humans are only good for labor and sport. There are some rebel freedom fighters who are ready to battle against the apes and now, we begin the sequel to Empire of the Apes.

Seriously, it’s really come to this.

You may look at the poster and wonder, “Who is still using the mosaic filter on Photoshop in 2019?” These guys. That’s who. These guys.

Many of the reviews that I’ve read for this movie wonder why it was ever made. It somehow tops the original for poor editing, horrible font choices, costumes that were made in an elementary art school class, music that made me want to defecate myself and yes, scenes of apes spanking the hottest Hot Topic third key managers to ever work at the Johnstown Galleria.

Of all the horrific things that have happened to me in late 2019, this movie may be the worst of them all. CGI stock shots of buildings. Ben Cooper masks. Strobing lights. Dialogue that makes a Jess Franco movie look like a Woody Allen film. And yes, long scenes of apes laughing at their own jokes. And dirt bikes.

I worry that I’ve made this movie sound way better than it is. Please don’t watch it.

You can watch this on Tubi.

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