Man, don’t ever do what Betty, Johnny, Jeanne and Pete do in this movie. They go on a vacation together and when their ship’s captain gets too drunk to navigate, they head off to a jungle island to have some fun. Have we learned nothing from, well, every movie ever?

Johnny (why yes that is Robert Reed) falls into a pit right away and is saved by Dr. Albert Balleau and his servants. Like every rich white man who moves to an island hell to conduct experiments — just asked the cucked great men of Blood Island — Dr. Balleau is dealing with his wife Sandra (Lilyan Chauvin, whose acting credits are all over the place in respected movies like The Other Side of Midnight and the junk we love like Silent Night, Deadly Night and playing Van Damme’s mom in Universal Soldier) loving it up with houseguest Dean Gerard (Walter Brooke, the man who said the word plastics in The Graduate).

As our four protagonists wander around the home of the doctor, they find a woman floating in an aquarium and a vat of acid big enough to kill people in. That’s when our villain comes on out and announces why he does what he does. No, he didn’t see The Most Dangerous Game so many times that he decided to cosplay it. He was a sniper in the war and his dislike of killing became a lust for blood. He proves that by showing off his trophies, which now has his wife and her lover on display.

Can you believe that Pete was played by Eugene Persson, who went on to co-produce and co-create You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown?

This movie was made in 1959, but didn’t play theaters until 1961, when it was the double feature with The Devil’s Hand. Both movies were sold to TV in 1963 by Westhamtpon Features, a division of Desilu, along with First Spaceship on Venus, Varan the Unbelievable and Secret File: Hollywood.

This is a horrible movie. But as we all know I love the worst films.

Based on Norman Pett’s Jane, which ran in The Daily Mirror from December 5, 1932 to October 10, 1959. Jane is pretty much an adventurer, but she loses her clothes nearly every time she goes into action, which I guess is a very male gaze way of making her a heroine.

British Prime Minister Winston Churchill sends Jane (Kristen Hughes) and the Colonel on a mission to prevent the diamonds of the fabled Lost City from falling into the hands of Germany. As they make their way to Africa, they meet Jungle Jack Buck (Sam J. Jones, playing yet another comic strip style hero after getting to be Flash Gordon and The Spirit) and battle the evil Lola Pagola (Maud Adams) and her soldiers Heinrich, Herman and Hans (all played by Jasper Carrott).

This was directed by Terry Marcel, who also made Hawk the Slayer and Prisoners of the Lost Universe. It’s a good try, but trust me, it’s no Gwendoline.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Imagine a movie in which every single actor is an animal with all of the voices being done in post-production. Just sit back and let this wash over you, as Chassidou the cat loses the town’s magic wand to the evil monkey known as Black Genie.

Black Genie takes Barbara the duck hostage, so Saturnin the duck and Chassidou ride a balloon to the Land of the Doves to attempt to discover how to defeat the wizard.

This played in the U.S. as The Secret of Animal Island. It had to decimate minds, because I’ve watched it so many times and it continually amuses and enthralls me while making me wonder just how did this get filmed and how hard was it to make?

Director Jean Tourane also made a Saturnin TV series and another movie with the heroic duck that’s called Saturnin et le Vaca-Vaca.

Do you want to see a fox shampoo a chicken? A frog do a motorcycle stunt? A rabbit smoke a cigarette? Of course you do.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Sure, we have a Full Moon Week coming up, but there are definitely two different ideas behind what the studio is. Are they the America Filmirage, making low budget horror that looks decent and is way better than the money spent would suggest? Or are they the studio that knocks out inferior sequel after sequel, direct to streaming digital video junk and endless repacks of the same movie?

They can be both!

“Ascent from Hell” is really 1994’s Dark Angel: The Ascent, in which Veronica Iscariot (Angela Featherstone, Linda from The Wedding Singer) gets sick of tormenting sinners in Hell and decides to punish the wicked on Earth. But hey — she falls in love with a doctor named Max Barris who tends to her injuries. This was directed by Linda Hassani, whose last movie was Bunker of Blood: Chapter 5: Psycho Sideshow: Demon Freaks.

“Infinite Evil” may be familiar as the Full Moon adaption of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Lurking Fear. That 1994 released was written and directed by C. Courtney Joyner, who directed Trancers III and wrote From a Whisper to a Scream, Doctor Mordrid, Class of 1999, Prison and Total Excess: How Carolco Changed Hollywood. It’s all about Leffert’s Corners, a place that has been plagued by unearthly beings for decades. It’s basically abandoned except for a few hearty souls like a priest and now John Martense, who is in town to put his family’s estate in order. We all know what happens to people who come to claim inheritances in horror movies. Jon Finch, who was also in Frenzy and Murder on the Nile, clashed with the director and refused to even listen to him say cut. Ironically, the worries that David Hemmings would do the same led to Finch being cast.

“Evil Never Dies” is re-cut from 1998’s Talisman, in Theriel the Black Angel is summoned from his resting place to usher in the end of the world by killing seven different people. He decides that two teens will help him, but they just may save us all. This is yet another of the many, many David DeCoteau films that I have been lured into watching. His goal was a “male version of Suspiria.” I leave it up to you to decide if he was successful, but I don’t remember the scene in Argento’s film where dudes in their tighty whities made one another do push-ups and watched from bunk beds.

I really should make a list of good Full Moon versus bad Full Moon, but who can say which is which? In the case of remixed ones like this, it gets even harder. But just imagine: how can you take a 90-minute movie, jam it into 30 and then hope to have any narrative sense? And they didn’t just do this once. They do it all the time, like some content engine that does not care at all about quality.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Return of the Dead is a Shaw Brothers horror anthology in which three patients in a mental hospital — hey it worked for Asylum — tell their stories.

In the first story, a family who owns a bean curd farm get an amulet with three monkeys that can give any wish. Yes, The Monkey’s Paw works in every langauge. In the second story, a dead woman comes back from her watery grave to lure her lover into the world of the dead. In the final tale, a young rickshaw driver gives a ride to a beautiful woman who looks exactly like a rich woman who has recently died after a night of pleasure with her new husband. She pays for the trip with her pearl necklace. The next time he gives her a ride, she tells him of a casino where he can become rich. He only has to sell his rickshaw. Once her does — and becomes rich — the police arrest him for taking the necklace from the grave of the deceased woman. And the money he won? It’s all fake.

Director Li Han Hsiang made plenty of soft core films for Shaw Brothers, often in the form of supernatural anthology horror like this movie and The Ghost Story. This was the third movie he made in 1979 and he would make up to five in a busy year. Unlike later movies from this studio, this is light on gore but heavy on nudity, almost an erotic ghost story.

I have OCD really bad, I think. I mean, why else would you write about forty horror anthology films in one week? Here’s where it really kicks in: there are twenty Troublesome Night movies and I will never rest until I see every one of them. I will be a ghost, like in these films, forever blundering around the world until I see the final films in the series. And then, they will reboot it.

In the third Troublesome Night, a mortuary connects the stories. In the first, a mortician (Allen Ting, who was in the first two movies in this series) is ruined by the death of his favorite singer, so he takes her place in the coffin when her face is too damaged to allow for an open casket. Then he disappears because Hong Kong horror is weird.

The second tale revolves around a mother (Law Lan, who started acting in 1939 and is still performing) who has killed herself and the mortuary workers who keep getting more money out of her daughter (Christine Ng, Crime Story) for her funeral. Of course, they must pay the price.

Finally, the last story gets as dark as I’ve seen this series go, as a mortician commits suicide when her boyfriend leaves her because her job upsets him. Her ghost haunts him right into death.

Now my ectoplasmic form must depart to seek out Troublesome Night 4.

Do you like and/or know who Cradle of Filth is? Then you may/may not care about this movie, which features nearly everyone from the band’s Midian era lineup, as well as placing leader Dani Filth into a role that connects all of the stories.

It was written and directed by Alex Chandon, who had directed the band’s videos for “No Time to Cry” and “Her Ghost in the Fog.”

Things start with The Man (Filth) being attacked by two muggers before he turns things around and kills both of them. The stories are a mixed bag — that’s putting it lightly — generally involving goth-looking girls dying horribly, like a girl who sleeps with The Man and has a monster rip its way out of her womb and kill one of her friends.

Everything and every story is the fault of Kemper, the son of a Satanist who has been using his occult abilities to abduct and kill children while even now continuing his rampage through his son — The Man — from a mental ward.

There’s an amputee who can’t have sex with his wife until he kills his friend and takes his leg. Then his wife dies in a car crash and he kills himself. When the police arrive, The Man kills them both. That’s the whole story of that segment, which feels like an excuse to show amputee sex and the gore of a woman who has gone through a car window.

The cop who is trying to get to Kemper keeps hitting dead ends and even his son is caught up in this, growing obsessed with internet snuff chatrooms and ended up killed in one. He finally makes his way to the sanitarium, but even after he shoots The Man in the head, tentacles emerge from the wounds to end the movie.

You can see the Amicus influence in this, but it’s kinda like a Cradle of Filth song: long, overblown and yet still fun in parts. Your mileage, as they always say, may vary.