Box Office Failures Week: Glitter (2001)

Mariah Carey went into this movie as probably the biggest diva on the planet, having emancipated herself from her first marriage to Tommy Mottola and her contract with Columbia Records to become exactly who she wanted to be.

She also pretty much lost her mind.

As she started the publicity tour for this movie, she’d leave long and rambling voicemails to her fans — her lambs, as she called them — on her website. And then there were the TV appearances. On BET’s 106 & Park, she hid behind pillows and claimed that she was living “one day that was continuous.” There was also the infamous TRL appearance on MTV,  where she emerged in a nightshirt giving away ice cream to the audience before discussing therapy and stripping on stage, ending with her yelling, “Mariah Carey has lost her mind!”

See — I told you.

By the end of the month, Carey was hospitalized for extreme exhaustion and had both a physical and emotional breakdown. The movie and soundtrack were delayed for a few weeks, then the attacks on September 11, 2001 happened. And no one wanted to think about music or fun or Mariah Carey going bonkers for a while.

I’m lying. I was ready for this trainwreck the whole time.

Carey herself said, “Here’s the thing that a lot of people don’t know, that movie was released on September 11, 2001 – could there be a worse day for that movie to come out? … I don’t even know that many people even saw the movie.” She’s since referred to the movie as the biggest mistake of her life.

Mariah is Billie Frank, the daughter of a 1970’s nightclub singer who once set their house on fire. She grew up in an orphanage with her two best friends, Louise and Roxanne (Da Brat and Tia Texada), but now all three girls are the backup singers to the host of Top Chef (Padma Lakshmi, the only person in this movie to probably has read The Satanic Diaries, much less be married at one point to its author).

Billie falls for Dice, a DJ who gets her out of her contract with Timothy (Terence Howard) for $100,000, an action that ends up costing him his life just as Billie is about to finally play Madison Square Garden. Man, I fast-forwarded the plot, but that’s pretty much it. Think A Star Is Born without all the crying in bathtubs.

As amazing a singer as Carey is, her five-octave voice does not translate to her ability to emote or carry the lead role. No one else is ready, willing or able to carry her. And look, I may be writing this in my sweatpants, but even I know that some of the fashions in this movie do anything but glitter.

Director Vondie Curtis-Hall — he’s also an actor, you may have seen him on Chicago Hope as Dr. Dennis Hancock — has mostly moved into TV movies about celebrities. Here’s hoping he goes meta and makes a Mariah film.

This movie has left me with so many questions. How old is Billie’s cat? It has to be at least twenty years old or longer. How did she and Dice learn how to telepathically write songs together? Why is no one interesting in this movie? Why did Ann Magnuson sign up for this? Why has the two-and-a-half hour length original cut never surfaced? Could Dice’s pants be any tighter? Are they perhaps his skin? And what’s up with that bicycle outfit that Mariah wears?

Glitter made $5.3 million on a $22 million dollar budget and the soundtrack album ended up being the worst selling record Carey released up until that point, so she was dropped from her Virgin contract, losing around $100 million dollars. Man — I can’t sleep and my total debt is so insignificant next to that amount. And I’ve never showed up and thrown ice cream sandwiches to Carson Daly yet. Maybe there’s hope for all of us. Thanks for showing us the way, Mariah.

Ape Week: Planet of the Apes (2001)

Mark Rosenthal and Lawrence Konner (The Legend of Billie JeanSuperman IV: A Quest for PeaceSometimes They Come BackThe Beverly Hillbillies and more) worked with The Polar Express and Cast Away writer William Broyles Jr.

After decades of trying to reboot the franchise, Tim Burton was able to get this script to the screen, even if nearly nobody was happy with the end results. Sure, it made money, but even the ending – spoiler, the Lincoln Memorial is now dedicated to General Thade and everyone on Earth is an ape — is the most nonsensical surprise ending of nearly all time.

Mark Wahlberg — the man who potentially could have stopped 9/11 — plays Captain Leo Davidson, a United States Air Force astronaut who opens a portal to another world and ends up captured by the apes sometime in the future of 5021.

After being captured, Leo and a female slave named Daena (Estella Warren) are bought by female chimpanzee Ari (Helena Bonham Carter), who brings them to work as servants in the house of her father, Senator Sandar (David Warner). Of course, Leo is destined to free the slaves and battle for freedom against Thade (Tim Roth, who turned down the role of Snape in the Harry Potter films to be in this movie) and Colonel Attar (Michael Clarke Duncan).

This is a movie packed with actor spotting opportunities, from Paul Giamatti as slave trader Limbo to Kris Kristofferson as Daena’s father Karubiv, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Shang Tsung!) as General Krull, Lisa Marie as Nova, Erick Avari (who has portrayed 24 different ethnicities in his career) as Tival, Glenn Shadix (who was the voice of the Mayor of Halloween Town in The Nightmare Before Christmas) as Senator Nado, Freda Foh Shen (the voice of the Chinese takeout in Hey Dude, Where’s My Car?) as Bon and cameo appearances by the two actors most associated with the human side of the original films. Charlton Heston plays Thade’s father Zaius and Linda Harrison appears as a slave.

The films looks great, the Rick Baker effects are amazing, but sadly the film has no soul. There was plenty of studio overinvolvement in the film and Burton was in the midst of ending his relationship with Lisa Marie and beginning a new one with Helena Bonham-Carter. When asked if he’d make a sequel, Burton replied, “I’d rather jump out a window.”

Planet of the Apes won Worst Remake at the 22nd Golden Raspberry Awards, while Heston (Worst Supporting Actor) and Estella Warren (Worst Supporting Actress) also won awards. For what it’s worth, Tim Roth had major issues with Heston and had no idea that the NRA spokesperson would be in the film with him.

Wahlberg would later say to MTV News, when the next series of reboots was released, “I haven’t seen it yet, but I heard it was pretty damn good. Well, ours wasn’t. It is what it is. Ours wasn’t. They didn’t have the script right. Fox Studios had a release date before Tim Burton had shot a foot of film. They were pushing him and pushing him in the wrong direction. You have to let Tim do his thing.”

One last weird thing: Two apes in fill makeup appeared on the August 6, 2001 of WWE Raw. They entered the building to the theme song of Kamala and brought gifts for Stephanie McMahon before helping Chris Jericho throw a pie in her face. However, the apes were presented as real and not actors, which made the whole thing appear even more ridiculous.

Driven (2001)

After making Judge Dredd, Sylvester Stallone got interested in the world of auto racing.

He said of the film’s concept, “Racing’s very much like the world of acting. You have your front runners and you have guys that are there for the long race, and you have other guys that block for other people, that are called supporting and character actors. It’s all the same kind of situation. And you realize that you can’t always be number one. You just can’t be the guy in front all the time. So what you can do is lend support to, and help and nourish and encourage someone else. So it’s like your experiences live on in someone else. If you can find some young actor and you can say, “Listen, don’t do this and don’t do that and avoid this and that,” and share your experiences, and he does succeed, you can say, “You know what, I kind of contributed to that.” As an actor did you have to learn you can’t always be number one the hard way. Unfortunately, I did.”

Although this film was a commercial failure, it brought Renny Harlin back after his fiasco Cutthroat Island. He and Stallone had teamed up before for Cliffhanger. It was also a critical failure, nominated for seven Golden Raspberry awards and earning the ire of Jay Leno, who told Richard Roeper that it was the worst car film ever made.

In the middle of the 2000 Champ Car Season, rookie driver Jimmy Bly (Kip Pardue, Remember the Titans) is in the lead with five big wins. But the pressure is getting to him, thanks to his brother and business manager Demille (Robert Sean Leonard, TV’s House). It’s also put him directly in the crosshairs of reigning champ and teammate Beau Brandenburg (Til Schweiger, Inglorious Basterds), who is also dealing with the distraction of his fiancee Sophia (Estella Warren, 2001’s Planet of the Apes).

So Beau decides to dump her and he starts winning again. However, Jimmy has a big crash and needs an older driver to be his mentor, so team owner Carl Henry (Burt Reynolds!) brings back former champion Joe Tanto (Stallone) to replace Memo, another driver who is now married to Joe’s ex-wife Cathy (Gina Gershon). Whew — the drama is already started, but what do you expect from a movie with the tagline “Welcome to the human race.”

Joe’s just supposed to be a blocker, but when he learns that Jimmy is getting with Beau’s ex-fiancee, he tries to use his experience to fix things. It takes a car crash that nearly kills Memo to bring everyone back together and be friends.

Jimmy ends up the champ, with Beau in second and Joe in third. Everyone celebrates and I cheer on the credits, which finally freed me from this film. Stallone’s original script was 220 pages and Harlin’s first cut was four hours long, so while I often want a film to give more time, I was fine with this movie ending when it did.

If you know racing, one would assume you’ll love all the real racers showing up, but I would imagine so many of the details, like Joe throwing coins on the track to touch with his car, are absolutely ridiculous. Then again, this is supposedly a trick that trick real-life Formula One driver Juan Manuel Fangio of Argentina used to perform.

Ghosts of Mars (2001)

I love John Carpenter. However, the last of his films that I can 100% say that I enjoy with no reservations is 1994’s In the Mouth of Madness. After that, well, it gets a bit difficult to enjoy his movies — maybe it’s the budgets, perhaps he was burned out, maybe the studio heads were too difficult to deal with. Ghosts of Mars may have the most essential of all Carpenter tropes — embattled group of outsiders battles against overwhelming odds in a cramped space — but it just feels unfinished. There’s something here, but we never quite get to it. Carpenter wouldn’t make another movie until 2010’s The Ward, which is his last movie to date.

The script for this movie originally started off as Escape from Mars, another Snaked Plissken sequel, but when Escape from L.A. failed, the main character was changed to Ice CUbe playing Desolation Williams. Courtney Love was going to be in this as well, but her boyfriend’s ex-wife ran over her foot. Really.

Carpenter has stated he was intentionally trying to make Ghosts Of Mars over-the-top and intentionally mindless, but I never get that feeling. He has said, “I have no power over what critics say, but when people complained about the movie being campy and not scary…the name of the movie is Ghosts Of Mars, I figured the campiness would be self-explanatory.” Even Ice Cube was very critical about this and he stars in it! He said, “I don’t like that movie. I’m a big fan of John Carpenter and the only reason I did it was because John Carpenter directed it but they really didn’t have the money to pull the special effects off.”

In the future, Mars has been 84% terraformed, which means that humans can walk the surface of the planet. And, because humans are there, it just means that crime comes with them. Lt. Melanie Ballard (Natasha Henstridge) is on her way to transport Mars’ most dangerous criminal,Desolation’Williams (Ice Cube). Yet when she and her team arrive there, everyone is missing.

There’s a simple explanation: the miners unearthed an ancient Martian civilization and when they opened a door, they let out the ghosts of the people who once lived there, who took over the miners. Now, the newcomers to Mars have become the natives, self-mutilating themselves and destroying any humans that come their way.

Team leader Helena Braddock (Pam Grier) — future Mars society puts women in charge, which is pretty cool — is killed, Ballard assumes command. The real problem is even if you kill a possessed person, the ghost just goes into someone else. Ballard’s crew and the criminals she was sent to take in team up against the miners. Luckily, Ballard is a drug addict, and the illegal narcotics in her system repel the ghosts so that she and Williams survive. Even though he double crosses her, he still comes back to save her at the end, which seems to set up another movie.

Jason Statham was in this before he became a big star. He was originally going to be Williams, but the studio wanted a bigger star. Clea DuVall (The Faculty), Joanna Cassidy (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) and Robert Carradine (Revenge of the Nerds) are all in this as well.

Carpenter put together an all-star band for the soundtrack, with Anthrax, Steve Vai, Buckethead and Robin Finck all playing alongside the director’s synth. And yep — that’s Keith David narrating the film.

You can get this on blu ray from Mill Creek Entertainment.

DISCLAIMER: We were sent this blu ray by Mill Creek Entertainment, but that has no bearing on this review.

Replicant (2001)

Plenty of actors have played twins in a movie. But Jean-Claude Van Damme? He’s done it three times — Double ImpactMaximum Risk and this film, his second of three films with Ringo Lam, the man who created City On Fire, which inspired Reservoir Dogs. This time, Van Damme is both Edward “the Torch” Garrotte and his clone. And yes, the movie starts with a body being doused in gasoline and set on fire, so you know that this is definitely a Van Damme movie.

Garrotte is a serial killer who loves nothing more than killing women and then setting their dead bodies on fire. Detective Jake Riley (Michael Rooker!) is on the cusp of retirement, having chased the killer for three years. However, Garotte is also chasing down Jake and has marked his family for death.

Meanwhile, a secret government agency has cloned the killer, giving him the mind of a child. Why anyone would do this is beyond me, but without this, we’d have no movie to speak of. Jake’s new job is to help the Replicant track down the killer using his own memories because that’s how DNA works.

The Replicant loves Jake and sees him as a big brother, but the old cop only sees the killer’s face. Then we learn why Garotte is how he is — his mother abused him before she killed his unfaithful dad, burning down their house afterward.

There’s a big battle in a hospital, Van Damme hitting Van Damme in the back of the head with a shovel and Michael Rooker gruffly barking every bit of his dialogue as if he was holding in the world’s biggest log and couldn’t find an open bathroom. Please view the entire sentence above as my endorsement for why you should watch this ridiculous movie. Let me throw in that evil Van Damme has a ridiculous wig that makes him look even sillier than he did when he had fake dreads in Double Team. Now do you want to watch it?

If so, you can see this for free on Tubi.

Joyride (2001)

The CB radio used to be the CNN of my small hometown. Or the internet. Or the cell phone. Everyone had one. Everyone talked on them. We all had handles, we all used the lingo. And the rest of the world stopped talking on the citizen’s band, but trust me. It didn’t go away.

We learned one very important lesson: don’t make the truckers angry. The kids in this movie should have known better.

College students Lewis Thomas (Paul Walker) and Venna Wilcox (Leelee Sobieski, remember her?) are headed home from college, but first they have to pick up his brother Fuller (Steve Zahn, remember him?) who needs bailed out. Again.

Fuller has a CB radio installed on Lewis’s car so they can listen in to trucker chatter on their long trip. They end up playing a prank on a trucker named Rusty Nail (voiced by Ted Levine from Silence of the Lambs) and act like a hot girl named Candy Cane, luring him to the hotel room of a man who treated Fuller badly. Rusty Nail ends up killing that man and stalking the brothers — and eventually Venna — for the rest of the film.

Written by J.J. Abrams, this movie is obviously influenced by Steven Spielberg’s Duel. The movie makers couldn’t decide which star Sobieski should have a love scene with, so they shot both. And then, they didn’t use either.

They also shot five other endings. One had Rusty kill himself as the police found a truck filled with bodies. Another had him arrested. There was one where the two brothers beat him up. One had him and his truck get blown up real good and the final one had him hit by his own truck.

That said, Rusty Nail would survive to appear in two direct-to-video sequels: Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead and Joy Ride 3: Roadkill.

I love the working titles of this film: Candy Cane, Highway Horror, Deadly Frequency, and Squelch. I love the alternate titles for foreign countries even more: Roadkill, Never Play with StrangersRadio KillerNever Talk to StrangersMortal Frequency and What a Ride!

Scary Movie 2 (2001)

Thomas Shablesky suggested this film for this all request Horror Comedy Week. I’ve known him since he was a little kid, literally. His brother and I were best friends, often watching Phantasm 2 over and over again, as well as Blood Sucking Freaks. I’m sure we warped his brain a little. He’s directed a few films of his own since then (and grown up around 20 or so years)!

Despite being killed off in the original, everyone from the first Scary Movie came back for this one. It’s the last one in the series for Marlon and Shawn Wayans, and director Keenen Ivory Wayans. The Wayans would eventually go on to produce A Haunted House.

Kennan Ivory Wayans watched over a hundred movies just to get ready for this movie. It starts with a parody of The Exorcist that originally had Marlon Brando in it, who completed one day of filming before he left due to being sick. He got to keep a million just for that day. He was replaced by James Woods, who made $1 million dollars for just four days of work. You know who almost did that part? Charlton Heston and even former President Bill Clinton.

This sequence has Megan Voorhees (Natasha Lyonne!) becomes possessed by the spirit of Hugh Kane (Richard Moll, who has to be in every 80’s horror movie). She even pees on the floor for an extended period, which is funny in the 2000’s where it was scary in the 1970’s. Woods is joined by Andy Richter as a second priest and they end up shooting Megan.

Everyone from the first movie is joined by Tori Spelling as a new character as they take a class in the paranormal from Professor Oldman (Tim Curry) and his paraplegic assistant Dwight Hartman (David Cross). According to Tori Spelling, she had a lead role, but after refusing to do a topless scene, Dimension Studios cut her out of more than half the movie. This seems kind of like BS, as this film doesn’t have any other nudity, but when the Weinsteins are involved, who can say.

They end up going to Hell House (it’s actually Wayne Manor from the Batman TV show) to do research, the home of Hanson the caretaker (Chris Elliot!). At this point, the movie descends into sight gags and gross-out humor, as you’d expect. There’s a cat fistfight, sex with ghosts, Howard Stern star Beetlejuice inside someone’s skull, a wheelchair fight and more. Your mileage will vary here as to whether you find this humorous or not. If you’ve seen The Haunting, you know most of this movie.

From Hell (2001)

Loosely based on Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell’s graphic novel, the Hughes Brothers were criticized by Moore for replacing his “gruff” version of Frederick Abberline with an “absinthe-swilling dandy.” They should have been ready for that — Moore hasn’t enjoyed a single adaption of his work. 

Here, the directors of Menace II SocietyDead Presidents and The Book of Eli go to Whitechapel to tell the story of who Jack the Ripper very well may have been.

Mary Kelly (Heather Graham) and her friends are all London prostitutes who must avoid violence whle trying to make a living with their bodies. When one of their friends, Ann Crook, is taken after her rich boyfriend returns, they learn that they are being hunted down and mutilated one by one. Soon, Whitechapel Police Inspector Frederick Abberline (Johnny Depp) is on the case, guided by psychic visions that he abates with opium.

His theory — which his partner Sergeant Peter Godley (Robbie Coltrane) doesn’t quite understand — is that the Ripper is a highly educated medical professional. After meeting with Sir William Gull (Ian Holm), the physician to the Royal Family, Abberline starts to see that there is a dark conspiracy behind everything, particularly the influence of the Freemasons.

The truth is that Gull is the killer, taking out the witnesses to painter Albert Sickert’s forbidden marriage and child with Crook. The bigger secret is that Sickert is Prince Albert, grandson of reigning Queen Victoria, and their daughter is a royal heir.

I don’t want to give away much more — I’ve already said so much — but nothing ends well, to say the least. While not as deep as Moore and Campbell’s graphic novel, this film has an interesting visual style and really depicts the squalor of London in the time of the Ripper. I really liked the way the opium visions and murderous messages were presented here. There’s really no reason for the Elephant Man to show up or the main characters’ romance, though. It all feels somewhat thrown in.

Bones (2001)

As of late, director Ernest Dickerson has worked on plenty of TV, like The Walking DeadDexterThe Man in the High Castle and The Wire. But around here, he’s better known for his movies Juice and Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight. He also worked on the first two seasons of Tales from the Dark Side, giving him a great eye for horror. Throw in Snoop Dogg as a demon from the past of a neighborhood and it looks like we have a movie!

Way back in 1979, Jimmy Bones (Snoop Dogg) was a numbers runner, but also a respected and loved protector of his community. That all changes when he’s betrayed by drug dealer Eddie Mack (Ricky Harris, who was many of the skit voices on Snoop’s albums) and bad cop Lupovich, who also forced Jimmy’s friends Jeremiah and Shotgun — as well as his girl Pearl (Pam Grier!) — to be complicit in his death by stabbing him and burying him inside a building. Soon, the neighborhood dies around Jimmy Bones.

In 2001, four enterprising teens — some of them the children of the people who killed Jimmy — open a hip hop club in the building where Jimmy’s body rests. Well, rest isn’t the right term. Soon, he’s back, bringing Hell with him as he takes the lives of each of the men who destroyed everything he held dear.

The best parts of this movie are the talking heads of the people Bones has killed, as well as Pam Grier. She’s always dependable and pretty fun here, both in her 1979 role and the 2001 version, who has become a fortune teller.

There are some great shots of Snoop slowly walking his way out of Hell to come back to our reality. As long as you aren’t expecting anything, then you’ll probably enjoy this. Snoop’s exactly the kind of actor you’d expect him to be — he’s having fun making his own version of J.D.’s Revenge and getting to make out with Pam Grier. We should all be so lucky.

You can catch this on Shudder.

Valentine (2001)

Valentine is a post-Scream slasher that feels closer to a giallo than an American slasher at times, with elaborate death sequences and a masked killer who wears the face of Cupid. It’s packed with the hottest actors of the early 2000’s and directed by Australian Jamie Blanks, who also made Urban Legend and remade Long Weekend in 2008.

The movie starts at a St. Valentine’s Day dance in 1988. Jeremy Melton, the school geek, asks four different girls to dance. Three of them — Shelley, Lily and Paige — instantly reject him while Kate at least gives him a break and says, “Maybe later.”

He finally hooks up with Dorothy, an overweight girl, and they make out in the bleachers. A bully finds them and everyone starts to laugh at the two of them until she claims that he is raping her. This removes Jeremy from school and their lives.

One by one, these girls are stalked and killed. Shelley is now Katherine Heigl and a UCLA med student. After getting a Valentine in her locker, a killer in a trench coat and Cupid mask stalks her and slices her throat. As she dies, his nose begins to bleed. I’m assuming that the people who made this hoped that none of us had ever seen Alone in the Dark.

At her funeral, Kate (Marley Shelton, Grindhouse), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel, Legally Blonde), Paige (Denise Richards), and Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw, daughter of Kate) are questioned by the police. They all get the same Valentines, like the one Dorothy gets that goes so far as to say, “Roses are red, Violets are blue, They’ll need dental records to identify you.” She’s no longer heavy and is part of the in crowd, with a boyfriend named Campbell — who may or may not be a con artist but is definitely a giallo-style red herring.

Lily gets chocolates, but they’re filled with maggots. And at the exhibit of Lily’s boyfriend Max (Johnny Whitworth, AJ from Empire Records), Lily is chased by the killer through the exhibits until she is shot multiple times with arrows — ala the real Saint Valentine — and falls to her death inside a dumpster.

They all realize that the initials on the cars are JM, which means that the killer could be Jeremy Melton. Dorothy admits her lie that sent Jeremy to reform school. It’s at this point that the lead cop, Detective Leon Vaughn (Fulvio Cecere, whose movie 350 Days is all about the life of a pro wrestler) hits on Paige and she strongly rebuffs him.

Kate’s neighbor breaks into her apartment as he has been stealing her panties and is killed with an iron. And as Dorothy plans a huge party, Campbell is killed with an ax. Her friends all assume that he has simply dumped her as she’s still the fat girl in their eyes. Of course, if she listened to Ruthie, Campbell’s crazy ex, she’d know the truth. But she gets brutally killed at the party in a kill that’s reminiscent of Deep Red.

At the party itself, Paige is electrocuted in a hot tub and the power cuts out. Dorothy and Kate begin to argue over who the killer’s identity, with Kate saying that its the mysterious Campbell, while Dorothy accuses Adam (David Boreanaz of TV’s Angel), Kate’s alcoholic ne’er do well boyfriend. They then learn that Lily never made it to California and that she may be dead. After a call from Detective Vaughn, they start to investigate further. As they worry about their safety, they try to call him back but get no answer. Suddenly, they hear a ringtone and follow the sound of it until they find his severed head outside the house.

Kate is absolutely convinced that Adam is Jeremy and runs back inside the house to find him waiting for her. He asks her to dance, but she gets freaked out and runs from him — right into the corpses of Paige and Ruthie. That’s when the Cupid killer runs right into her but is shot by Adam. The mask falls off to reveal Dorothy.

Adam finds it in his heart to forgive Kate, explaining how if you have enough childhood trauma, like how Dorothy dealt with the abuse of being overweight, that anger can stay with you and cause violence. They wait for the police to arrive as he embraces her, telling her that he always loved her. She closes her eyes and we notice that his nose has begun to bleed.

There are plenty of red herrings along the way, like Dorothy’s cherub necklace that could point to her as the killer. And then there’s the fact that that necklace really belonged to Ruthie. But after that gets dealt with, it’s pretty obvious who our killer is.

I liked how each of the murders ends up corresponding to the horrible things that the girls said to Jeremy at the dance, like Paige’s claim that she’d “rather be boiled alive” actually ends up happening.

It’s also refreshing that the women in this, by and large, are aware of how men try to use them and respond in modern ways, such as Paige shutting down the main detective.

Valentine isn’t the best movie you’ll watch, but you can get it for $3 at most streaming sites and for around $2 or less at most used DVD stores. That’s a decent enough price to spend — it goes down as easily as a Valentine’s chocolate but won’t stay with you much longer than a summer fling.