Suburban Sasquatch (2004)

Most bigfeet, bigfoots, skunk apes and otherwise hominoid cryptids tend to stay in the woods or far away from the eyes of man. Yet in Dave Wascavage’s $550 wonder Suburban Sasquatch, the creature has no issues in attacking human beings right in the small bedroom communities where they believe that they’re safe.

A lot of folks through the word auteur around like it means only doing one or two things on your movie. Dave earned this distinction by being the director, writer, editor, producer, cinematographer, composer, art, video effects, costume, sound, firearms, the voice of the sasquatch and playing the following roles: Dave the Fisherman, Hunter Victim 2, Waiter, Guest and, of course, the Suburban Sasquatch itself.

He’s also smart. Most of the budget went to the food for the wrap party.

Wascavage also knows how to talk about his movies, saying that this “…is a movie about famil, A statement about life as humanity presses onward into nature. The creature is a mystical creature seeking to change humanity.” 

So many lives are touched by the madness that is the creature. Rick Harlan (Bill Ushler) is a directionless man who sleeps on the box springs and a mattress with no need for a bed frame. He may dream of being an investigative reporter beyond just covering local community events, but even his best friends tell him that his dreams are, frankly, stupid.

John Rush (Dave Bovavita) is a cop who moved to town after losing his wife in a sasquatch attack, thinking that the suburbs would be a place to rest and heal. He’s wrong.

Talla (Sue Lynn Sanchez) is a Native American warrior who must fulfill the destiny of her family and hunt the beast as her ancestors have done since before we even measured time. She’s also where most of the film’s budget went, as Dave took Sanchez to a mall and found sound boots and fringed clothing that said “Native American warrior.”

As for the sasquatch itself — played by Bonavita, Juan Fernandez, Wes Miller and, as we said before, Wascavage who also created the beast’s distinctive vocalization by growling into a microphone, dropping the pitch and deciding that after three minutes, he had achieved perfection.

Perhaps the most charming thing is that this movie was a family affair, as Wascavage wrote it with his wife Mary, who also has that auteur gene, as she was also the caterer, screenplay editor, assistant propmaster and wrote the songs “Trust In Thee” and “Collision Force,” performing the latter. Dave’s mom Loretta also appears as Rick’s mom — owning every moment she’s on screen with lines like “And remember, I don’t like you. I love you.” — and his father and brother are also in the cast.

There are real estate women devouring hot dogs, a child being menaced by a bigfoot and then watching their mother get eviscerated, said bigfoot launching a cop car into the air in a feat of low grade CGI mayhem, bloody human limbs being used as weapons and a black garbage bag crafted lair filled with body parts that reminds me of the best parts of Don’t Go Into the Woods. Actually, that movie feels like the absent father of this film, drunkenly calling it on its birthday and awkwardly explaining why it can’t come to its birthday party.

Also: the sasquatch can teleport.

The best shot on video bigfoot movie ever made in West Chester, PA — home of CKY, some of the Jackass crew, Matisyahu, Amy Steel from Friday the 13th Part 2 and Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother’s Day — this is a movie with a heart — a bloody and gore-covered one — that makes it so much better than it has any right to be. For all the famous directors that bemoan what is and what is not cinema, they could do more for the art form by picking up a camera and finding a bigfoot suit with some prominent titties.

Want to hear even more from me and Bill from Drive-In Asylum?

We’re on the commentary track for the blu ray of this movie from new label Visual Vengeance in August!

Select Bonus Features:

  • New 2021 Commentary by Director David Wascavage
  • Commentary from Sam Panico of B&S About Movies and Bill Van Ryn of Drive-In Asylum
  • Includes full RIFFTRAX version of the movie
  • Archival Behind The Scenes Featurette
  • Making The CGI for Suburban Sasquatch
  • From The Director’s POV: Archival Interviews
  • Limited Edition Slipcover designed by Earl Kessler FIRST PRINTING ONLY
  • Collectible Mini-poster
  • ‘Stick your own’ VHS sticker set
  • And more

You can get Suburban Sasquatch from Diabolik DVD and Grindhouse Video.

Want to learn more about Visual Vengeance? Follow them on Twitter at VisualVenVideo, Instagram @visualvenvideo and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/visualvenvideo

Miss Con-Genie-Ality (2004)

Also known as Genie in a String Bikini and The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie, this is the movie you’d assume it is: a sexy I Dream of Jeannie with Nicole Sheridan as Barbara Eden, basically.

I mean, it’s literally the exact same set-up as the first episodes of the show but the story is told by the same crew Fred Olen Ray used for his mid-2000s softcore films, folks like Evan Stone, Voodoo, Beverly Lynne, Danielle Petty and Dolorian.

The genie does not wear a bikini.

I’m astounded that this movie came out in a time when the internet was around and actual porn was not hard to find. I mean, you could watch actual sex instead of the lead-up and frottage that this movie gives you.

Perhaps there’s a bigger audience for an I Dream of Jeannie parody than I could ever imagine.

You can watch this on Tubi with most of the lovemaking edited out.

Stone Age Sirens (2004)

If you’re a prehistoric cave girl accidentally transported to the future — like Tahra (Jezebelle Bond), our heroine — the first thing you’d probably do is have a threeway with some archaeologists named Richard (Alexandre Boisvert) and Sharon (Kennedy Johnston). I guess, right? Aren’t we all in the Fred Olen Ray cinematic universe?

I leave it to you to decide how a cavegirl got tattoos.

Also known as Teenage Cavegirls, this movie has a sex scene every 12 minutes or so — the Tubi version is somewhat edited — and footage taken from Planet of the Dinosaurs. The only person who doesn’t have sex is Professor James Matthews (John Henry Richardson, a Ray regular).

Those that do have wild cave sex include Lezley Zen, Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Danielle Petty and Evan Stone, who I have been in awe of since I saw him in Pirates and he somehow lived through a vigorous scene with Belladonna and Sasha Grey. I can only imagine he’s some kind of demigod or cyborg.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Watch the series: Wild Things (2004, 2005, 2010)

Editor’s note: To check out Wild Things, click here.

Wild Things 2 (2004): Directed by Jack Perez (Unauthorized: The Mary Kay Letourneau StoryUnauthorized: Brady Bunch – The Final Days) and written by Ross Helford (who also wrote the Sniper sequels) and Andy Hurst (who wrote the sequel to Single White Female), this movie does credit Stephen Peters for characters, but there’s not a single continuing character. In fact, it’s pretty much the same story and a very similar threesome scene, which you’ll soon discover just might be the defining moment of any movie called Wild Things.

Brittney Havers (Susan Ward) is a wealthy Florida high school senior who has list her mother to a car crash on Gator Alley — where she was presumably devoured by alligators — and her stepfather Niles Dunlap (Anthony Denison, who was Joey Buttafucco in The Amy Fisher Story, the Drew Barrymore one) has just died when his private plane went down. She’s about to earn a small amount of money each year until she’s done with college and then $25,000 a year, with the rest of the will — $70 million dollars worth — going to an heir if they can be found. That heir ends up being one of her classmates, Maya King (Leila Arcieri).

We soon see Brittney, Maya and the DNA test doctor all having some MFF action, which clues us in that this is all a ruse. Insurance investigator Terence Bridge (Isaiah Washington) thinks that it’s a scam too, as Dunlap once had scarlet fever and was possibly sterile. That means the DNA doctor is a crocodile meal and then, well, the twists and turns start to add up. Dead people are alive, partners get double-crossed, people on the side of the law aren’t and there’s even an open ending that makes you think that the backstabbing hasn’t stopped.

Imagine if they just redid the first one, had no major stars, still had the threesome scene and shot it like a prime time soap opera. That’s kind of a success in my book.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Wild Things: Diamonds in the Rough (2005): I love when a movie can be sold just on the title and doesn’t need to be tied into anything in any of the other movies in the series. So here we go. Another Wild Things, this one directed by Jay Lowi (Tangled) from a script by Andy Hurst and Ross Helfer, the same guys who wrote the last one.

Marie Clifton was given two diamonds — the “mother and daughter” — in her mother’s will, but her step-father Jay Clifton (Brad Johnson, who was in Nam Angels and was also a former Marlboro Man) has changed the will because he wants them for himself.

Meanwhile, there’s a sex ed seminar at school with Dr. Chad Johnson and probation officer Kristen Richards (Dina Meyer, once Batgirl on Birds of Prey as well as roles in D-ToxStarship Troopers and Saw), who reveals that she was the victim of a sex crime when she was in high school, which totally shuts down the raucous senior audience.

Now here’s where the Wild Things drama comes in: Marie has a swim meet and her stepfather meets towel girl Elena Sandoval (Sanda McCoy, who was in the secret Porky’s movie Porky’s: Pimpin’ Pee Wee), who he invites to Marie’s eighteenth birthday party. The girls do not get along — that’s putting it mildly — so Jay takes her to one of his construction sites and you know what happens next allegedly. Now, Detective Michael Morrison (Linden Ashby) and Richards are on the case, along with Dr. Johnson, who is to examine Elena.

If you’re wondering how long it takes until Marie, Elena and the doctor are all reenacting scenes from You, Me and Dupree, it’s about as long as it takes to read this sentence.

But man, the twists and turns of this one are so plentiful that they take one of the things that worked so well in the original movie and show how it all came together over the credits. And for some reason, the good guys actually come out on top in this one.

How much sex, illegitimate children, gator eating and swamp chases can one small Florida town have? Well, they made four movies out of this. There’s your answer. This one has the sense to just go wild — no pun intended.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Wild Things: Foursome (2010): Each Wild Things movie seems like a remake of sorts. This installment has Andy Hurst, who wrote the second and third, directing and a script by Howard Zemski and Monty Featherstone, the team who wrote Sharkman.

The major difference is that this time, we’re talking about twenty-year-olds and not high schoolers. Carson Wheetly (Ashley Parker Angel, who was in O-Town) is the rich and spoiled son of NASCAR car racer Ted Wheetly (Cameron Daddo). He thinks his dad may have killed his mother, but first, let’s get to this movie’s other main difference.

Whereas every Wild Things is built around a threesome, this one goes one better and has, as the title spoils for you, a foursome between Carson, his girlfriend Rachel Thomas (Marnette Patterson), Brandi Cox (Jillian Murray, Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero) and Linda Dobson (Jessie Nickson).

Within a few days of that MFFF miracle — surely Carson is some level of science fiction character or at least a former boy band member — his father dies in a car crash that Bruno Mattei’s some Days of Thunder footage. That death is suspicious, so Detective Frank Walker (John Schneider, who may know a thing or two about car crashes) starts to investigate just as the will is announced, which states that Carson cannot inherit his father’s money and estate until he turns thirty or marries.

That means a quick marriage to Rachel, but they had a deal with everyone in the foursome, so Brandi and Linda seem to be dead meat, except that Rachel and Brandi are also working together to kill Carson. Once the girls end up — spoiler warning — using sex to kill Carson, they start conspiring to keep making love and attempting to murder one another.

This is the sort of movie that keeps the twists coming after the credits roll. All I have to say is keep your eye on lawyer George Stuben (Ethan Smith).

I miss the swamps of the other movies, but appreciate that this one is all about death and sex, which let’s face it, all giallo should be. It doesn’t get to that level, as it needs more fashion and better music, but it certainly has the sleaze — well, homogenized 2000s sleaze — going for it.

I kind of wish there was a fifth movie just to see if they’d get a fiveway into it.

Consider Tubi the Wild Things network, because they have every one of these movies.

 

The Punisher (2004)

Ah, 2004, a time when fascist racists had not yet taken the skull of the Punisher and used it to show us who they were or deify fake heroes who had bragged about killing numerous civilians in the name of service to their country. Yes, the Punisher skull, owned by Disney, a company that sues mom and pop daycares for daring to bootleg their mouse on their walls somehow allows white supremacy and the over militarization of the police state to run wild and take over their IP.

Anyways, you still here?

Taking most of the Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon stories and putting them up on the screen, the second take on The Punisher realizes that if you want to do it right, he needs that skull and he needs to just tear through human beings.

Director Jonathan Hensleigh wrote Die Hard with a Vengeance and Jumanji. This was produced by his wife, Gale Anne Hurd, and written with Michael France, who wrote movies for Marvel characters before the MCU like The Hulk and Fantastic Four. Hensleigh said, “The underlying events that give rise to Frank Castle’s vigilantism are not from the comic. I invented a lot of that. I made it a lot worse.”

Yes, the era when the comics were not good enough. This is why the MCU works. But at this point, comics were — and probably still are — looked at as junk and always loosely adapted.

So instead of being just home from Vietnam and seeing his family for the first time before they’re all killed, Frank Castle is an undercover cop who gets exposed and his entire family killed at a reunion.

Yeah, it’s more death, but it doesn’t hit as hard.

Then again, you do get Roy Scheider as the Punisher’s dad.

And Kevin Nash as the Russian.

But as good as Thomas Jane is, you also get John Travolta as Howard Saint. And that’s kind of the issue with the Punisher. His villains, outside of Jigsaw and Barracuda, never seem to live all that long. Then again, the movies miss the fact that Punisher is a serial killer, a villain worse than the criminals he murders, a man who has long since gotten revenge over those who rubbed out his family and now is endlessly just killing and killing because he has nothing left.

To close, I love the Punisher. I had a poster — the Mike Zeck cover to issue #1 of the 1986 mini-series — on my dorm wall forever. I just wish that people understood what the character really stands for and that someone would finally make a good movie with the character.

APRIL MOVIE THON DAY 23: Garfield (2004)

Bill Murray doesn’t have an agent and has a phone that people call him on to try to hire him. He claims that he thought one of the screenwriters of this movie, Joel Cohen, was Joel Coen of the Coen Brothers.

Why would the Coen Brothers make a Garfield movie?

Murray has been telling this story as far back as a GQ interview in 2010, “I thought it would be kind of fun, because doing a voice is challenging, and I’d never done that. Plus, I looked at the script, and it said, “So-and-so and Joel Coen.” And I thought: Christ, well, I love those Coens! They’re funny. So I sorta read a few pages of it and thought, Yeah, I’d like to do that.

So they went off and shot the movie, and I forgot all about it. Finally, I went out to L.A. to record my lines. And usually when you’re looping a movie, if it takes two days, that’s a lot. I don’t know if I should even tell this story, because it’s kind of mean. What the hell? It’s interesting. So I worked all day and kept going, “That’s the line? Well, I can’t say that.” And you sit there and go, What can I say that will make this funny? And make it make sense? And I worked. I was exhausted, soaked with sweat, and the lines got worse and worse. And I said, “Okay, you better show me the whole rest of the movie, so we can see what we’re dealing with.” So I sat down and watched the whole thing, and I kept saying, “Who the hell cut this thing? Who did this? What the *bleep* was Coen thinking?” And then they explained it to me: It wasn’t written by that Joel Coen.”

Co-writer Alec Sokolow doesn’t believe Murarry: “He knew it was not Joel Coen well before he met Joel Cohen. It’s a funny take. And it kind of defends him against the criticism of making such an overtly commercial film. But it’s complete horse shit.”

But hey. Murray got to record his dialogue in his apartment and on the set of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.

I have no idea how you make a narrative movie out of Garfield, but these guys did it, and they made John into Breckin Meyer and gave him Jennifer Love Hewitt as a love interest. And if there can be fanservice for Garfield — umm, yes there can be, I may own several Garfield shirts and still am enraged that Kennywood took out the Garfield mill ride, a fact that I’ll go on and on about any time you’d like to know more — there is in this movie, as all of the characters — yes, there are more than just Garfield — show up, with Jimmy Kimmel as Spanky, Debra Messing as Arlene, Alan Cumming as Persnikitty, Nick Cannon as Louis the mouse, David Eigenberg as Nermal and Brad Garrett as Luca.

Odie doesn’t talk.

Murray still did the sequel, Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, with less confusion.

Now for the cosmic coincidence. When they made The Real Ghostbusters cartoon, Murray’s Dr. Peter Venkman was voiced by Lorenzo Music, who is the actor best known for the voice of Garfield.

You can watch this on Tubi.

MILL CREEK BLU RAY RELEASE: The Skulls, The Skulls II and The Skulls III (2000, 2002, 2004)

The Skulls* (2000): Sure, it’s set in Yale, but that’s Toronto, but otherwise, this is about the Skulls and Bones Society but they’re called the Skulls. Far be it from me to say it’s disinformation, but writer John Pogue (U.S. MarshallsRollerball and the just finished under the radar reimagining of Eraser; he also made Quarantine 2: Terminal and Deep Blue Sea 3) went to Yale, so either he knows something or he just lucked into three movies out of this idea.

Lucas John “Luke” McNamara  (Joshua Jackson) grew up an orphan on the wrong side of the tracks but he still made into Yale on a rowing scholarship which is totally a thing. His only friends are his girlfriend Chloe (Leslie Bibb) and his friend Will (Hill Harper), yet he’s still invited to join one of Yale’s secret societies, the titular Skulls, and made a soulmate with Caleb Mandrake (Paul Walker), a legacy whose father Judge Litten Mandrake (Craig T. Nelson) is still very involved in Skulls business, along with Senator Ames Levritt (William Petersen) and provost Martin Lombard (Christopher McDonald, who is, always, Shooter McGavin).

As you can imagine, the Skulls are so connected that they run the cops, the courts, the government, pretty much anywhere rich people are. They kill Will when he gets too close to exposing their secrets and is killed, which pits Skull brother against Skull brother, Skull father against Skull son and Skull boyfriend against non-Skull girlfriend.

Director Rob Cohen didn’t go to Yale, but he did go to Harvard and Amherst. He followed this movie up with The Fast and the Furious and XXX, so maybe he did have something to do with that whole secret society making its members wealthy thing. Then again, he followed those up with Stealth and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, so maybe he wasn’t in all that tight.

Also, if you ever saw the 1970 TV movie The Brotherhood of the Bell, you may have already seen this movie.

*You can read our original review of this movie here.

The Skulls II (2002): Joe Chappelle is well-regarded for episodes of CSI: NYCSI: Miami and The Wire, but he made this back in 2002, a direct-to-video sequel to the original movie.

Star Robin Dunne, who plays Ryan Sommers, seems to take over for Joshua Jackson in direct-to-video sequels, what with him showing up in Cruel Intentions 2 (and yes, I own it; I am a self-professed sequel lover). He and his best friend Jeff (Christopher Ralph, who was in the Animorphs series) get picked for the Skulls; Jeff is super down, Ryan less so as his older brother Greg (James Gallanders) was a member and it’ll take time away from his demanding girlfriend Ali (Ashley Tesoro).

Ryan and Jeff are punished when a prank goes wrong and end up cleaning the attic of the Skulls’ headquarters, which gives them the perfect view to see senior Skull member Matt “Hutch” Hutchison (Aaron Ashmore) and field hockey team captain Diana Rollins (Margot Gagnon) partying on the roof and that party ends with her falling to her death. But is it real? Or just another part of the initiation?

Ryan’s research ends up taking him to the parents of Will Beckford from the first film who reveal how the Skulls killed their son. Then, his brother is fired from his lawyer job (do the Skulls own The Firm?) and Ali accuses him of assaulting her. Luckily, he can trust Kelly (Lindy Booth) and the two of them — along with Greg — work to undermine the secret society.

This movie may have been Michele Colucci-Zieger’s only writing credit, but her co-writer Hans Rodionoff wrote the two Lost Boys sequels (I have no idea how I haven’t gotten to those yet) and Deep Blue Sea 2.

The Skulls 3 (2004): Taylor Brooks (Clare Kramer, Glory from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) is a legacy of the Skulls, as her father Martin (Karl Pruner) and dead brother were both members. Now, she wants to challenge the group and be the first female member, which is a great hook for the story as it’s literally an old boy’s club.

This whole thing has a kinda, sorta giallo structure in that we see the cops trying to solve the case as we arrive in the middle of the story and see flashbacks. Her boyfriend Ethan (Shaun Sipos) also tried to join and was just plain embarrassed that a woman would try to join, so she decides that she totally has to join and I’m all for it.

This is the only full length film that J. Miles Dale has directed, but he’s produced several of Guillermo del Toro’s projects. Written by Joe Johnson, who also scribed Don’t Hang Up, this has one major advantage and it’s Barry Bostwick as the evil elder Skull that puts the whole plot in motion just to advance the military-industrial complex, so they’ve moved on from killing JFK to intimidating high school girls and their absentee fathers.

That said, I liked this way more than I should have. But traditionally I am easy on later sequels of movies I didn’t like so much in the first place, kind of like the kid brothers of bullies that beat me up. We have something in common, as we’ve both had to deal with the older sibling in similar, if different ways, so there’s some kinship. Or when I should beat them up, I realize that the circle of violence — or dunking on bad movies — can stop with me and I can try to find something to like.

You can get all three of The Skulls movies on one blu ray from Mill Creek. While there aren’t any extras, you do get every movie for a low price and can have them in one set, saving you room on your overflowing shelves. Am I speaking to myself? Because trust me, I spent an hour or more today just trying to rearrange things. You can get this from Deep Discount.

Bite Me! (2004)

Strip clubs are, by and large, incredibly boring places. Take it from someone who may have nearly married a dancer and who was also with someone for a long time who covered them. They’re only exciting if you’re drunk, have money and no access to women. Well, unless they’re the club in the movie, Strip-O-Sauraus, which has giant dinosaurs in the parking lot. That’s kinda cool, right?

Crystal is played by Erin Brown, she was born Erin DeWright but may be better known as Misty Mundae. You may also recognize Teresa as Julian Wells, but she’s also appeared as Suzy McCoppin in movies like Fist of the Warrior and has covered nightlife and sexuality for several magazines, TV shows and websites. Trix is Erika Smith, who has a ton of credits but  perhaps the best is Van Helsing in The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing, which I had no idea was a thing.

There’s a weed deal gone wrong at the club and all the cockroaches become bloodthirsty vampire cockroaches, which isn’t good at all, and it gets worse when Crystal gets bit by one of them.

So yeah, maybe this club is a little more exciting than somewhere like Cheerleaders on a cold January night in Pittsburgh.

Here’s to Brett Piper, still making movies (well, this is from 2004, but he’s still directing stuff like Outpost Earth and doing effects for Shark Encounters of the Third Kind).

You can watch this on Tubi.

KINO LORBER BLU RAY RELEASE: The Card Player (2004)

EDITOR’S NOTE: We originally wrote about this movie back on September 15, 2021. Now, Kino Lorber has released it on blu ray, along with audio commentary by Troy Howarth and Nathaniel Thompson, interviews with director Dario Argento, set designer Antonello Geleng and actress Fiore Argento. There are also trailers and your choice of watching this in English or Italian with English subtitles. The slipcase release and blu ray itself are both gorgeous and I’m so excited to have this in my collection. You can get it yourself from Kino Lorber.

Look, I’ll come clean. I’ve outright written off Argento’s post-Opera work without putting the work in, but that’s because the films I have seen have upset me so greatly — and in no way a good way — that it felt like putting in the work to watch another one after Sleepless felt like, well, work.

This was originally going to be a sequel to The Stendhal Syndrome and titled In the Dark, but everything changed when Asia Argento declined to be involved.

The biggest issue is that the story is intriguing but as you wait for the visuals, nothing much happens. If this were any other director, I’d be fine with this movie. But with Argento, perhaps unfairly, I want more. I want bullets tearing through keyholes and eyeballs, bodies crashing through windows, menacing forests and colors that burn their way into my ventral occipital lobe. Instead, this looks no better than a TV procedural.

The Card Player is a masked and black gloved killer who kidnaps women in Rome, then challenges the police to play internet poker with him for their lives. If the police lose, they get to watch someone get tortured and killed Red Room-style online.

There’s a great close with a train bearing down on the killer and a victim who play poker right up to the end. Sure, the effect that follows is poor, but getting there isn’t horrible.

What is bad is that this entire movie is based around watching people play video poker. While we can argue whether or not Argento was inventing Twitch, the fact is that 1972 Dario would shoot a poker game like cards were flying at us filled with mystery and menace. Instead, we simply watch cards slowly get dealt out.

Man, Dario. I really want to see you do something great. And I get it. You already did. Maybe I should take it easier on you. But we always want more from the ones we love.

Trees 2: The Root of All Evil (2004)

Trees was Jaws, substituting Sheriff Cody for Brody], botanist Max Cooper for oceanographer Matt Hooper and lumberjack named Squint for, you already yelled it out, Quint. But hey — there’s certainly a sequel in here, as Ranger Cody goes to live in a resort town that is soon battling an army of government-created genetically enhanced trees that eat humans and get loose over the holidays.

Yes, that is Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter. And this is definitely in the Troma school of a movie that’s aware of how dumb it is and going deep to be even dumber.

I’m all for the idea of killer tree movies. There’s already Day of the TriffidsThe HappeningThe Guardian, The Crawlers and as bad as some of those are, they sustain interest and entertain much better than this movie.

Imagine hearing a bad joke and laughing at how well it’s told. Now just imagine if someone tells the same joke with no delivery and timing.

That’s this movie.

You can watch this on YouTube.