Somehow, for as much as I dislike Christmas, I find myself watching tons of holiday movies. Much like the fruitcake that no one wants to eat but me, I continually try and binge as many seasonal films as possible. Each year, I discover movies that boggle my mind and upset my sensibilities.
2019 is no different. As I enter the end of December with nothing but rage in my heart and a determination that I will have Dr. Phibes-like revenge on my enemies in 2020, I try and remember that this season is one of love and forgiveness, not stress and recrimination.
Here’s the list from last year, where I demanded that you scream “Horray for Santy Claus,” meet the Ice Cream Bunny, meet incestual Nazis for family dinner and battle both Satan’s henchman Patch and Kirk Cameron.
Now, one more year is here and again, I’ve decided to take ten holiday films and gift you with a list of Santa-themed cinema that will decimate nearly any family gathering. Want people to leave? Put one of these on.
1. Sint: The Nightmare of Santa Claus, as the poster above claims, is the kind of movie that will save you thousands of dollars from your kids. No child is ever going to put out milk and cookies or send Santa a letter again after this one. It’s truly horrifying and a movie that not enough people that post-holiday horror lists ever discuss.
2. Dial Code Santa Claus: Home Alone ripped this off yet didn’t take its menace and pure fear. All hail Shudder for finally sharing this movie with America this Christmas, as this is a holiday horror film that everyone should see.
3. Blood Beat: I’ve watched this movie more times than I’d like to admit to you and I fall in love with it more with every single viewing. It takes all the fear of the holidays at your significant other’s family’s home and boom — it adds a possessed samurai helmet and psychic powers and sex scenes that are also murder scenes and man, just watch it. It’s on Amazon Prime right now.
4. Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation: Pure drugs. This movie is for people that do LSD before they hang out with their extended family and then people discuss their behavior every Christmas thereafter. If you watch one movie where a bug is inserted inside someone’s special place this Yuletide, make it this one. This is available for free — with ads — on Vudu.
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker: This movie is astounding. A human toy child, Mickey Rooney beating a child to death, toys that come alive and tear people to shreds…it’s everything you need to power through the last few hours of the season. You can watch this for free — with commercials — on Vudu.
6. J’ai rencontré le Père Noël: No moment in this movie makes sense or is based in the world that you know. It is 100% batshit insanity and everything you need for your holiday season. This might be my favorite non-horror holiday film, because, well, it’s pretty much a horror film without trying to be frightening. It’s on Tubi — feliz navidad!
7. The Magic Christmas Tree: Available on The Internet Archive, Tubi and Amazon Prime, this movie is seriously a hate crime against children. I have no idea how the kids that watched it even survived. I barely made it and I’m in my late 40’s. That means that, well, I kind of love it.
8. Home for the Holidays: You know what makes my holidays bright? A made for TV movie. But not just any made for TV movie, but a proto slasher that sees three sisters — Freddie (Jessica Walter, Arrested Development), Joanna (Jill Haworth, The Brides of Dracula) and Christine (Sally Field, Steel Magnolias — menaced by a hooded killer. No matter what holiday you’re celebrating, you can’t go wrong with a John Llewellyn Moxey movie. You can watch this on Amazon Prime.
9. Santa’s Slay: If I say to you, “Bil Goldberg as an evil Santa,” you may run from this film. You shouldn’t. It’s so much better than it has any right to be. Bonus points for casting Dave Thomas in this movie!
10. Rare Exports: A Santa that wants to kill everything in its path and a quest to capture elves and send them to American malls? Yeah, Rare Exports isn’t like any other holiday horror you’ll watch this year. It will also teach you not to swear around Santa. You can check it out on Shudder or Amazon Prime.
Happy holidays, everyone. No matter what you celebrate, what movies you like and how much you care about this season, thanks for coming to our site. It’s a labor of love, one that some folks don’t understand. But thank you for supporting it. Here’s hoping you get some great movies under your tree and some fun movie themed stuff, too.