Before he made  Hill Street Blues, L.A. Law and so many more shows, Steven Bochco made Vampire, a made for TV movie featuring so many of the people beloved by this site. This movie is a revelation, as I had never seen it before.

Richard Lynch stars as Anton Voytek, a handsome millionaire vampire who has used his undead power over women for centuries before coming into the orbit of vampire hunters John Rawlins (Jason Miller from The Exorcist, ironically the father of two future vampires: Joshua John Miller played Homer in Near Dark and Jason Patric was Michael in The Lost Boys) and E.G. Marshall.

The vampire’s lair is disturbed when a new church breaks ground, but his hoarded wealth allows him to quickly move up in modern society so that he can hunt down Rawlins, the architect that he blames for being awake.

Kathryn Harrold (who battled vampire bats in Nightwing and Luciano Pavarotti in Yes, Giorgio), Jessica Walter (Arrested Development), Barrie Youngfellow (also in the vampire film Nightmare In Blood), Michael Tucker (who would later be on L.A. Law), Jonelle Allen (who would one day play evil witch Lucinda Cavender in The Midnight Hour), Scott Paulin (who was the Red Skull in the 1990 Captain America) and Joe Spinell (if I have to tell you who he is, please never come back) all appear.

Originally airing October 7, 1979 on NBC, this was directed by E.W. Swackhamer (the original Spider-Man made for TV movie, Terror at London Bridge) and was intended to be the pilot for a continuing series. After all, Voytek escapes at the end.

1979 was a big year for vampire movies, with Herzog’s Nosferatu the Vampyre, Nocturna: Granddaughter of Dracula, Frank Langella’s turn as Dracula, Love At First Bite, Thirst, Salem’s Lot and The Curse of Dracula, which was part of Cliffhangers!, an NBC-TV series that gave birth to multiple made for TV movies that were re-edited from the episodic content like Dracula ’79 and World of Dracula.

This is way more than worth your time. You can check it out on YouTube:

I had no idea this movie even existed before browsing through some creature features on the Tubi application. However, my life has been greatly enriched after witnessing the majesty that is Aztec Rex. Aztec Rex was directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, the master behind Leprechaun 3 and 4. You know, the cool ones where the leprechaun shows up in Las Vegas and outer space respectively. That’s not to say that the other Leprechaun films are any less cool. They’re all pretty freaking cool. 

Well, Aztec Rex is about the secret history of Hernan Cortes’ first expedition to Mexico, the one he took there before he conquered the country. On his first foray into Mexico, Hernan Cortes, played by Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210, Sharknado) along with his men encounter an Aztec tribe who makes human sacrifices to a pair of Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Ian Ziering as Cortes is a must see in this film where he sports a ridiculous wig and goes in and out of a fake Spanish accent. Almost none of the other people playing the Spaniards even worry about an accent. In fact the monk who became stranded in Mexico and integrates with the Aztecs is played by Jack McGee, who has probably the most non Spanish accent known to man. You may know Jack as Chief Reilly from Rescue Me. 

This movie is nuts. The expedition has a single horse which is then eaten by a T-rex. Only one of the conquistadores sees the Rex and calls it a monster, everyone else just sits around arguing how it was probably a bear or some shit. The expedition is only like 6 people too and the tribe they encounter maybe has ten or twelve members. The conquistadores think it smart to attack the Aztecas but they blow dart their asses right quick. They try to sacrifice Cortes to the Rex but the monk Gria convinces the Aztecas to let them live. They have to fight the T-Rex who up to this point lived in peace with the natives. Shit pops the hell off.

Apparently guns, cannons, or arrows don’t faze T-Rex. They bounce straight off its skin, but pole arms can cut them. Also they are dumb enough to fall in pits full of sharpened sticks and impale themselves. Chief Matlal’s daughter, Ayacoatl played by Dichen Lachmen. has the hots for one of the Spaniards named Rios who saves her ass on numerous occasions. Unfortunately, she is betrothed to the cowardly shaman/head warrior dude,Xocozin. However, that doesn’t stop her from stripping down and throwing herself at Rios who refuses because his religion won’t let him get it on unless he’s married.

Xocozin tries to poison Rios’ fruit-laden wine when the Aztecas toast to their newfound alliance with the Spaniards, and Rios starts hallucinating fiercely. When he is saved by Gria and Ayacoatl, they hide from the remaining T-Rex in a grove of trees. Ayacoatl and Rios get wed really quickly by Gria, they then run off to another set of trees to get it on because this could be the only time they can. This sultry scene accompanied by romantic music is interrupted a few times with transitions of Xocozin running back to the village while thumping intense music plays. This part is so ridiculous that it alone begs to be seen which is quite a feat because the whole movie is full of what the hell moments. 

When Xocozin reaches the village, he and Matlal have a showdown with weaponry. It feels like it’s more meant for a kung fu flick than this film. There is also the plot of Cortes and another of his men attempting to abscond with the gold and leave for Spain by themselves while everyone else is off fighting dinosaurs but people start dying because Cortes is a shitty leader. The climax sees a Rex being blown up by gunpowder in a gourd when Xocozin is sacrificed to the Thunder Lizard, which I’ve forgotten to mention is what the Rex are referred to as the entirety of the movie. Gria finally gets to go back to Spain with Cortes and Cortes promises to come back and conquer Mexico, Rios demands he stay away from his valley where he ends up living among the Aztecas. Also Gria is sainted and his famous fruit-laden wine is named after him San Gria.

If you miss the days where the Sci-Fi channel aired its films without screaming, “We know it’s bad, we did it on purpose. HAR HAR” then this is the film for you. It had a vision and it set out to accomplish it, it may have become something that it had no intention being but damn it if it is not fun. You can watch this glorious slice of delectable B-movie goodness for free with ads on Tubi.

Twin sisters (both roles played by Stefanie Powers, which was 100% my reason for watching this movie) — one a European jet-setter, the other a housewife in need of adventure — decide to swap lives and identities for a week. What could go wrong? Oh, you know. Everything.

Made while Powers was on Hart to Hart — and also starring in three miniseries all at the same time — this movie was based on the best-selling novel by Judith Michael.

Originally airing on the NBC network, this movie has a blockbuster cast, with Barry Bostwick as the U.S. based husband. And look out! That’s Fabio Testi, who you may remember from What Have You Done to Solange?, Contraband and The Four of the Apocalypse, as the European beau to Powers.

While the American hausfrau is shaking her tailfeather to the smitten Testi on a yacht — to the Pointer Sisters’ “I’m So Excited,” years before that ditty reduced Jessie Spano to tears — the boat blows up real good, making this movie less about allowing your twin sister to have Biblical knowledge of your hubs and more about murder, baby. And if anyone knows murder in 1985 prime time, Stephanie Powers is the lady for the job.

So yeah. Barry Bostwick reacts to this news by realizing that he’s really in love with the rich girl sister because sex is dirty when it’s a secret and this never really gets explored and man, who doesn’t love run-on sentences?

Toss in Gina Lollobrigida, Brenda Vaccaro, a young Fairuza Balk and a pre-Ben Seaver Jeremy Miller and you have a cast ready for a paperback that ladies bring to the beach back when people still read trashy novels.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

Why did I watch this movie?

Was it my love of TV movies? Sure.

The fact that Robert Wagner was in it? Yes.

My enduring crush for Kate Jackson, whose looks, voices and demeanor made pre-pubescent me question why every other boy thought girls were gross? Of course.

The simple knowledge that I’ll watch just about anything, no matter how bad it may be? Undoubtedly.

Because John Carradine was in it? Come on. John Carradine is in everything.

Or that it was directed by E. W. Swackhamer, who made the insane Lookwell with Conan O’Brien and Robert Smigel, as well as the TV movie Vampire?

Come on. Just reading the synopsis and learning that Marianna Hill plays a famous sex symbol actress murdered in the 1930’s? That’s exactly why, dear reader.

Joel and Donna Gregory (Wagner and Jackson) are investigating the death of Lorna Love (Hill). This leads them to her house, where they meet with housekeeper Clara Josephs (Sylvia Sidney, the caseworker from Beetlejuice) and agent Oscar Payne (Bill Macy, who isn’t William H. Macy, but the husband of Maude).

Joel wants to know more because it turns out that his father was one of Lorna’s many lovers. So they decide to stay at Love House, where John Carradine shows up as a director who Lorna ruined. He claims that Joel’s dad was the only man to escape her before a mysterious creature attacks him, he has a heart attack and is then drowned in the garden’s fountain. If you can say anything about this movie, you should say that it’s pretty through with the brutal efficiency that it wipes out the seventy-year-old star of pretty much every horror movie made.

It’s at this point that any normal person would leave. Donna then finds an occult blade and one of her photos ruined, but she still stays. At this point, obviously she and Joel are in it to win it.

Joel and Donna then visit Denise Christian (Dorothy Lamour, who owned Old Chief Woodenhead in Creepshow 2 and played herself in The Phynx), a former rival of Lorna who — surprise! — also used to have a bit of “how’s your father” with Joel’s father. Is this whole movie about Robert Wagner’s dad engaging in adult congress with hot actresses? Yes, pretty much.

But really, this is where we learn the secret of Lorna: she asked for eternal beauty and youth. She got it and never slept again, so Joel Sr. smashed all the windows of her house — why? — and left. Afterward, she was obsessed with a healer named Father Eternal Fire.

Of course, being the son of his philandering papa, Joel starts fantasizing about Lorna. At the same time, someone tries to kill Donna by carbon monoxide poisoning. She survives and finally wants to leave, but Joel begs her to stay so they can figure out the secret.

That’s when they meet another follower of Father Eternal Fire, Marcella Geffenhart (Joan Blondell, who is also in The Phynx and, like everyone else in Hollywood pre-1950, Won Ton Ton, the Dog Who Saved Hollywood). She claims to be Lorna’s best friend and when Donna wants to know more, Joel goes AWOL and starts yelling about how Lorna deserves her secrets. So why are you writing a book about her?

I’m not going to spoil the rest, but it’s as ridiculous as you’d hope.

This ABC Movie of the Week originally aired on September 3, 1976. It was produced by Aaron Spelling, as were the occult-themed films How Awful About Allan, The House That Would Not Die, Crowhaven Farm, A Taste of Evil, Home for the Holidays, Satan’s School for Girls (which also stars Jackson), Cruise Into Terror and Don’t Go to Sleep.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime or YouTube:

Along with What’s the Matter With Helen?, this movie is one of the two collaborations between writer Henry Farrell and director Curtis Harrington.  It was the ABC Movie of the Week on September 22, 1970 and has stood the test of time as one of the better TV movies. And there’s some stiff competition for that.

Shot in just 12 days, it stars Anthony Perkins as Allan Colleigh, who has psychosomatic blindness after an accident — he left paint cans too close to a fire — that killed his abusive father and scarred his sister Katharine (Julie Harris from the 1963 version of The Haunting).

After Allan returns to their home after time in a mental hospital, he’s convinced that everyone is out to get him, including a new boarder with speaks in a hoarse whisper and one of his sister’s ex-boyfriends on the phone.

Joan Hackett — who was in two great TV movies, Dead of Night and The Possessed — appears as Allan’s former girlfriend. She gets caught up in his mania as rooms of the house explode into flames and he’s kidnapped by that mysterious ex.

How Awful About Allan has plenty of actors as comfortable on the stage as they were on the big or small screen. Perkins agreed to wear special contacts that completely made him blind so that his performance would be more realistic.

This didn’t get great reviews when it came out, but do the movie we love ever do?

You can download this on the Internet Archive, watch it on Amazon Prime or just use this YouTube link:

Phillip Leacock also directed When Michael Calls and Baffled!,two other TV movies of note, in addition to this taunt little thriller.

It was written by Richard Matheson, who wrote the scripts for House of Usher, The Legend of Hell House, Somewhere in Time and some great TV, like “Nightmare at 20,000 Feet” and “Steel” for The Twilight Zone, The Night Stalker, The Night Strangler, Scream of the Wolf, Trilogy of Terror and so much more.

Bob Mitchell and his wife Jean (Dabney Coleman and Cloris Leachman) are on their way to Los Angeles when a detour takes them to the nearly deserted Arroyo Motel, which only has two people there: cook Jim Cutler (Ross Martin, Artemus Gordon from The Wild Wild West) and a customer named Tom King (Ned Beatty). Both of them are beyond rude and Jean feels like something is wrong.

She’s right. When she comes back from using the phone, Bob is gone and soon, someone is driving off in their station wagon, leaving her trapped between the diner and a hotel, which is manned by another untrustworthy local named Vi (Louise Latham, Marnie).

Dana Eclar (Condorman) plays a lawman and Ron Feinberg (Fellini from A Boy and His Dog) is another shady character. A tiny cast for a big feeling movie that honestly escapes the small screen and could have played theaters, Dying Room Only fits neatly into the early 70’s genre of films where city folk using the new highways and byways of America run smack dab into small town backwoods menace.

Originally airing on September 18, 1973, the film faced criticism for how Leachman’s character is nearly destroyed by the loss of her husband, feeling that the movie had no aspiration toward feminism. There were also other reviews that it embodied the worst aspects of regional and cultural prejudice, which is pretty much what every movie in this genre does.

Jack B. Sowards created perhaps one of the most interesting parts of Star Trek: the Kobayashi Maru, a no-win scenario for new Starfleet captains that was first brought up in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He also wrote this TV movie which was directed by James Gladstone, whose tie to Star Trek is directing the classic episode “Where No Man Has Gone Before.” He also was behind the films Rollercoaster and When Time Ran Out…

Dennis Ryder (John Forsythe, who is astounding in this movie) is driving to San Francisco for a job interview when he hits a man who no one will admit is dead. No one — the sheriff (Earl Holliman from Police Woman), Ralph Meeker from The Alpha Incident, the town doctor (Noman Alden, Kansas City Bomber) and certainly not Anne Francis.

Jason Wingreen, who is in this, was also the voice of Boba Fett.

Seriously, this entire town is against Ryder. It’s a taunt 74 minutes and gets more out of that time than three movies today. I’ve heard people say it has a David Lynch vibe, which I can see. It’s intriguing when a man knows that he’s killed somebody and begs the police to charge him.

You can watch this on YouTube: