Aztec Rex (2008)

I had no idea this movie even existed before browsing through some creature features on the Tubi application. However, my life has been greatly enriched after witnessing the majesty that is Aztec Rex. Aztec Rex was directed by Brian Trenchard-Smith, the master behind Leprechaun 3 and 4. You know, the cool ones where the leprechaun shows up in Las Vegas and outer space respectively. That’s not to say that the other Leprechaun films are any less cool. They’re all pretty freaking cool. 

Well, Aztec Rex is about the secret history of Hernan Cortes’ first expedition to Mexico, the one he took there before he conquered the country. On his first foray into Mexico, Hernan Cortes, played by Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills 90210, Sharknado) along with his men encounter an Aztec tribe who makes human sacrifices to a pair of Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Ian Ziering as Cortes is a must see in this film where he sports a ridiculous wig and goes in and out of a fake Spanish accent. Almost none of the other people playing the Spaniards even worry about an accent. In fact the monk who became stranded in Mexico and integrates with the Aztecs is played by Jack McGee, who has probably the most non Spanish accent known to man. You may know Jack as Chief Reilly from Rescue Me. 

This movie is nuts. The expedition has a single horse which is then eaten by a T-rex. Only one of the conquistadores sees the Rex and calls it a monster, everyone else just sits around arguing how it was probably a bear or some shit. The expedition is only like 6 people too and the tribe they encounter maybe has ten or twelve members. The conquistadores think it smart to attack the Aztecas but they blow dart their asses right quick. They try to sacrifice Cortes to the Rex but the monk Gria convinces the Aztecas to let them live. They have to fight the T-Rex who up to this point lived in peace with the natives. Shit pops the hell off.

Apparently guns, cannons, or arrows don’t faze T-Rex. They bounce straight off its skin, but pole arms can cut them. Also they are dumb enough to fall in pits full of sharpened sticks and impale themselves. Chief Matlal’s daughter, Ayacoatl played by Dichen Lachmen. has the hots for one of the Spaniards named Rios who saves her ass on numerous occasions. Unfortunately, she is betrothed to the cowardly shaman/head warrior dude,Xocozin. However, that doesn’t stop her from stripping down and throwing herself at Rios who refuses because his religion won’t let him get it on unless he’s married.

Xocozin tries to poison Rios’ fruit-laden wine when the Aztecas toast to their newfound alliance with the Spaniards, and Rios starts hallucinating fiercely. When he is saved by Gria and Ayacoatl, they hide from the remaining T-Rex in a grove of trees. Ayacoatl and Rios get wed really quickly by Gria, they then run off to another set of trees to get it on because this could be the only time they can. This sultry scene accompanied by romantic music is interrupted a few times with transitions of Xocozin running back to the village while thumping intense music plays. This part is so ridiculous that it alone begs to be seen which is quite a feat because the whole movie is full of what the hell moments. 

When Xocozin reaches the village, he and Matlal have a showdown with weaponry. It feels like it’s more meant for a kung fu flick than this film. There is also the plot of Cortes and another of his men attempting to abscond with the gold and leave for Spain by themselves while everyone else is off fighting dinosaurs but people start dying because Cortes is a shitty leader. The climax sees a Rex being blown up by gunpowder in a gourd when Xocozin is sacrificed to the Thunder Lizard, which I’ve forgotten to mention is what the Rex are referred to as the entirety of the movie. Gria finally gets to go back to Spain with Cortes and Cortes promises to come back and conquer Mexico, Rios demands he stay away from his valley where he ends up living among the Aztecas. Also Gria is sainted and his famous fruit-laden wine is named after him San Gria.

If you miss the days where the Sci-Fi channel aired its films without screaming, “We know it’s bad, we did it on purpose. HAR HAR” then this is the film for you. It had a vision and it set out to accomplish it, it may have become something that it had no intention being but damn it if it is not fun. You can watch this glorious slice of delectable B-movie goodness for free with ads on Tubi.

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