Gamera vs. Jiger (1970)

Known as Gamera tai Daimajū Jaigā in Japan, or Gamera vs. Giant Devil Beast Jiger, this is the sixth Gamera film. In the U.S., it was released straight to television under the name Gamera vs. Monster X.

The American version contains stock footage from Gamera vs. Guiron and Gamera vs. Barugon to extend the movie’s release time.

As Japan gets ready for Expo ’70 in Osaka, they decide to take a mysterious status called the Devil’s Whistle off an island. Gamera tries to stop them, but they take it anyway. It makes everyone sick and insane that goes near it.

The sound that the Devil’s Whistle makes Jiger go crazy too, so the beast comes down and starts taking out everyone in its way, as well as using its spiked tail to mess up Gamera. It also has a spiky bulbed tail that lays an egg — and eventually a baby Jiger — inside Gamera’s lungs.

That baby looks like a cute version of Jiger, but damn if those little Japanese kids don’t go inside Gamera and kill that infant with static from their walkie-talkies. The scientists then use big speakers to keep Jiger busy while the kids go back inside the giant turtle and jump-start his heart.

In their final battle, Gamera uses telephone poles like earplugs — man, these movies are inventive — and he smashes Juger’s tail, finally making her weak enough to destroy.

Despite the increasingly low budgets and bad effects, Gamera movies remain willing to embrace pure insanity. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for anyway?

House of Dark Shadows (1970)

Dark Shadows was a phenomenon. The kind of cultural big deal that needed to be cashed in on, which is why producer and creator Dan Curtis started pitching a featuring length TV movie from 1968 on.

The original idea was to simply edit together old episodes of the show, but soon the idea to tell the entire Barnabas Collins saga — complete with bloody bites and gore — took over. As the TV series was still on the air, several of the actors were written out, with Barnabas being trapped in a coffin — for 28 episodes — by a writer who was trying to use the vampire for a biographical novel. Other characters were replaced in the 1970 parallel world story arc.

With a budget of $750,000 — that was probably enough for 750 episodes of the actual series — and on location shooting at the Lyndhurst Estate in Tarrytown, New York and that town’s Sleepy Hollow Cemetery (as well as the Lockwood–Mathews Mansion in Norwalk, Connecticut), this movie looks gorgeous. And it’s a joy to see so much of the original cast come back and play modified versions of their roles.

However, what takes years on the soap opera now takes moments. It’s a bit disconcerting.

Much like his entry on the show, Barnabas (Johnathan Frid) is found by handyman Willie Loomis (John Karlen) and within moments, is both introducing himself as a long-lost European relative while also taking bites out of almost every single female castmember.

Daphne Budd? Bitten. Carolyn Stoddard? She gets a bite. Maggie Evans? Yep, her too.

Barnabas also gets transformed into a human by Dr. Julia Hoffman, but she falls for him and jealously transforms him into his true age. No worries — a few bites from his chosen bride, Maggie, brings him back to vitality.

The only part that you may not enjoy is Willie turning on Barnabas and the titular vampire succumbing to a crossbow to the back. That said, his bat flies away — Curtis was doing end credit teases way before the Marvel movies — in a nod to a projected sequel that never happened, Curse of Dark Shadows.

There’s also a moment where Quentin Collins’ theme is heard, but he doesn’t show up. I’m certain there were many young ladies who were crushed by this fact.

If you’ve never watched the original episodes, this is a fun movie. If you have, you may just end up upset that so much is glossed over. Regardless, I saw it at the drive-in, paired with its spiritual sequel and I enjoyed the hell out of it.

BONUS: We discussed this movie on our podcast.

Beast of Blood (1970)

All good things must come to an end. This is the final of the Blood Island films — which also included The Mad Doctor of Blood Island, Terror Is a Man and Brides of Blood — and also the last movie that Eddie Romero would make for Hemisphere Pictures.

As Dr. Bill Foster (John Ashley) Sheila Willard, her father and Carlos Lopez escape from Blood Island, this movie’s Beast gets on board and goes buck wild, killing everyone he can and blowing up the ship. He survives and heads back to the jungle while Dr. Foster spends months recovering. Everyone he knew or loved is now dead.

Of course, he’s going back to Blood Island.

Dr. Lorca (Eddie Garcia), who apparently died at the end of the last movie, is still alive but horribly scarred. He controls the beast, which can live without its head. It can even talk and control its own body from afar.

This is less of a narrative movie for me and more a collection of magical images, as bodies squirt blood and beasts have swampy faces and make strange noises while their heads rot inside beakers and lab equipment.

To promote this one — which played a double bill with Curse of the Vampires, the producers printed counterfeit 10 bills printed that folded in half, with the other side revealing a poster for the film. Those fake sawbucks were scattered all around the neighborhoods where this movie played.

You can watch this for free on Amazon Prime. Severin released this — it’s sadly out of print — and also put out a swizzle stick with the Beast on it. You should totally order it right now!

Box Office Failures Week: Myra Breckinridge (1970)

Gore Vidal’s 1968 novel Myra Breckinridge was a landmark novel, an attack on the traditional norms of gender and sexuality, while also a biting satire of Hollywood. It was also seen as incredibly pornographic, so the idea that a movie could be made from the book seemed pretty out there.

After all, two weeks into writing the book, Vidal decided to make his main character transgender — and if you think transpeople are an issue today, you can only imagine how the world felt about them fifty years ago. An interesting trivia note — the name Breckinridge was taken from Bunny Breckinridge, who played The Ruler in Plan 9 From Outer Space. He was an openly gay man in a time when it was dangerous to be homosexual and was even jailed several times as a result. His desire to become a woman was ruined by the legal system and even a car accident on the way to get an illegal transition surgery in Mexico. In his later years, he’d open his San Francisco Spanish bungalow-style home to hippies and regale them with the history of closeted Hollywood.

Somehow, this got made, with Vidal making $750,000 ($5 million in today’s money) for the rights and screenplay. Original director — and Pittsburgh native — Bud Yorkin was replaced by Michael Sarne, an auteur who had made all of one film, 1968’s tale of swinging London Joanna. Somehow, he got complete creative control over this project.

Sarne quickly went over budget. One reason is that he’d often lock himself in a room while union cast and crew made money outside, thinking of what he’d do next for up to seven hours as a time. He also famously spent several days filming close-ups of food instead of handing that task off to a second unit. He also was big on getting the cast members to fight amongst themselves.

A former singer — who had a novelty #1 hit with “Come Outside” in the UK, somehow Sarne was able to do whatever he wanted, at least until this movie flopped. He never directed a movie in the U.S. again, but has acted in several films since this movie bombed oh so badly.  And his movie The Punk did well, but it took decades to revive his career.

I mean, Sarne trashed the entire cast long before the movie even came out. Welch was “useful only as a joke” and “an old raccoon.” Rex Reed was “faggy, prissy and unpleasant.” John Huston was “an old hack.”

When asked by The Independent about the film, Vidal minced no words. “One of the worst films ever made. A disaster. Myra was the most pre-publicized film since Gone with the Wind. It made the covers of Time and Newsweek. But you could tell it was going to be a disaster from reading Sarne’s script.”

So how bad is it? Well, somehow this 94-minute film feels like it takes 94 years to unspool. It ridicules old Hollywood for shock tactics, leading many of the Golden Era film actors who appeared in the movie to be angry that their old films were being used to punctuate puerile gags and a woman on man pegging assault. It got so bad that the White House asked for footage of Shirley Temple — now a U.S. ambassador — to be removed. Loretta Young successfully sued to have herself cut out of the film.

Yes, it’s a movie so bad that actors sued to get themselves on to the cutting room floor.

The film begins with Myron Breckinridge (critic Rex Reed, who also shows up in another megaflop, Inchon) has gone to Copenhagen to become the gorgeous Myra (Racquel Welch, who is, well, Racquel Welch and nearly melts the screen with each appearance). When he returns to the U.S., he heads off to his/her (Myra has no set gender pronoun) uncle Buck Loner’s (John Huston, who I would say deserves better, but he’s also in TentaclesBermuda Triangle and The Visitor, so he obviously would do anything; also all three of those movies are a billion times better than this) acting school, where he/she acts as his/her own widow to try and get half the school or a half a million bucks.

Somehow, Myra ends up becoming an etiquette teacher at the school, which means that he/she discusses mainly the Golden Age of Hollywood and female domination, all with the end goal of “the destruction of the last vestigial traces of traditional manhood in the race in order to realign the sexes, thus reducing population while increasing human happiness and preparing for its next stage.” Oh yeah — Myron also shows up as his/her conscience.

Myra has also grown obsessed with lovebirds Rusty and Mary Ann (Roger Herren, whose career was ruined after this lone role, and a very young Farrah Fawcett), who she sees as everything old fashioned, apple pie and America. To destroy them, she first pegs Rusty, who leaves his girl behind, then enters a lesbian relationship with Mary Ann, who wishes that Myra was really a woman so they could have a complete life. Ah, 1970.

Also — Mae West — pre-Sextette — is in here as a casting agent who is pretty much Mae West redoing all of her old routines. After auditioning plenty of men — look for a young Tom Selleck — she ends up getting the used up and presumably dilated Rusty as her next boy toy.

Buck is convinced that Myra is a liar and keeps trying to trip him/her up. These machinations end when Myra reveals that she hasn’t lost all of Myron, who then manifests himself and hits her with a car.

Myron awakens — in black and white thanks to a re-edit made to the DVD release to show us this was all a dream — and was never a woman at all.

All manner of people are utterly wasted in this movie, which I’ve come to respect in the same way that one looks up to rats for being able to get into social media eating pizza on a near-weekly basis. There’s Dan Heyada in a young role as a mental patient, Toni Basil more than a decade before her hit video “Mickey,” The Monkees’ actor Monte Landis, Helda Hopper’s son William, former pro wrestler Buck Kartalian, Kathleen Freeman (Microwave Marge from Gremlins 2), Grady Sutton (who was often in W.C. Fields movies and often played “sissy” roles), Andy Devine (who was Cookie, the sidekick of Roy Rogers), John Carradine (are you shocked?), Jim Backus, Calvin Lockart (The Beast Must Die), George Furth (Blazing Saddles) and Roger C. Carmel (Harry Mudd himself!).

Raquel Welch claimed that she was fascinated by Mae West, as she could never fully decide if West was a man or a woman. That seems like sour grapes, as West had a contract that allowed her to pick her costume colors above anyone else in the cast, leading to many of Welch’s outfits needing to be picked all over again.

And hey — Rex Reed refused to say the movie’s best — or worst — line, “Where are my tits? Where are my tits!?!” until he was told they’d just have someone impersonate his voice. He did it anyway.

As we’ve seen numerous times over Box Office Failures Week, many movies that were flops didn’t really flop. And some of the ones seen as poor films are actually pretty good. This is not the case. Not even a little bit.

Witchcraft ’70 (1970)

Witchcraft ’70 is a re-shot and re-edited U.S. domestic version of Angeli Bianchi… Angeli Neri (White Angel …Black Angel — more on that tomorrow). Because the U.S. producers changed so much, it’s nearly a different film, complete with Edmond Purdom (AbsurdDon’t Open ‘Till ChristmasPieces, 2019: After the Fall of New York) narrating the proceedings.

Lee Frost, who directed Love Camp 7Hot Spur, Dixie Dynamite, A Climax of Blue PowerThe Thing with Two Heads and The Black Gestapo, in addition to mondo films like Hollywood’s World of FleshMondo FreudoMondo Bizarro and The Forbidden directed the additional scenes in this revised version at the behest of TransAmerica Films.

Original director Luigi Scattini was behind lots of exploitation over in Italy like Sweden: Heaven and Hell and Blue Nude. He brought in Alberto Bevilacqua, who was a writer on films like Atom Age VampireBlack Sabbath and Planet of the Vampires.

How can you not love a movie that promises dialogue like “A ballad of the ’60’s said, “I left my heart in San Francisco.: Now in the ’70’s, it is possible to leave one’s soul there as well?” Yes, the biggest problems in 1970 were weed and witchcraft. Is it any wonder that this movie has led to so many samples in the songs of Electric Wizard?

Keep in mind, the ideas in this film — and the sheer nudity on display — destroys minds and reaped souls back in 1970. But in 2019? It could almost be on regular television. This version isn’t bad — the Italian version, like I said, which we’ll get to tomorrow, is missing plenty of the rougher footage from Frost, as well as a warning from Lieutenant David Estee of the Capitola California Police Department

But hey — you do get to see a Satanic wedding officiated by Anton LaVey, so there’s that.

I got this from the sadly gone Cult Action. I really wish that site was still around, if only to make me spend more money on movies that I can’t afford.

Ape Week: Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

Nothing succeeds like, well, success.

After Planet of the Apes, producers considered several treatments before finally hiring Paul Dehn to write the movie, making him the primary writer for the films.

They didn’t use the sequel suggested by Pierre Boulle, author of the original novel, whose Planet of the Men script had Taylor as a messiah leading humans against the apes.

However, he eventually agreed, only if his character died and all of his salary went to charity.

Dehn altered the script to center on a new character, Brent, played by James Franciscus. And with original director Franklin J. Schaffner unavailable, as he was making Patton, Ted Post was hired. He’d go on to make one of my favorite movies ever, The Baby.

Immediately after Planet of the Apes, Taylor (Heston) and Nova (Linda Harrison) ride through the Forbidden Zone. Suddenly, fire emerges from the ground and Taylor disappears into a mountain.

That’s when a second ship — looking for Taylor — emerges. It crash lands and only Brent (Franciscus) survives. He soon meets Nova and sees that she wears Taylor’s dog tags. She takes him to Ape City, where he watches General Ursus (James Gregory, who went on to play Inspector Luger on Barney Miller) rally his soldiers into conquering the Forbidden Zone. Brent is discovered and wounded, which brings him to the home of Cornelius (David Watson takes over for Roddy McDowall for this installment, as the star was in Scotland directing a movie) and Zira (Kim Hunter).

Orson Welles almost played Ursus. I wish that had happened. Plus, Gregory Sierra, who played Verger, was also on Barney Miller as Detective Sergeant Chano Amenguale. And for some real ape trivia, while Normann Burton played a human and an ape in the films (he was the Hunt Leader in Planet of the Apes and an Army Officer in Escape from the Planet of the Apes), only Natalie Trundy (who was the wife of producer Arthur P. Jacobs) played all three groups across four sequels. She’s the mutant Albina in this movie, then plays Dr. Stephanie Branton in Escape and then finally the ape Lisa in Conquest and Battle.

Soon, they’re back in the Forbidden Zone, where psychic voices tell Brent to kill Nova, voices that come from telepathic mutants who worship an atomic bomb. Either this is going to make you check out — as many critics did — or love this movie as much as I do.

In the ruins of St. Patrick’s Cathedral, these humans who survived the bomb and became mutants are ready to go to war with the apes, ready to use their Divine Bomb as a last resort. Then, you get to witness their religious ceremony where they remove their faces to reveal their true form — skinless faces praying to a nuclear god. This set is reused from Hello Dolly! if you can believe that.

Oh yeah — Victor Buono shows up too!

Brent is separated from Nova and taken to a cell where the mutant Ongaro (Don Pedro Colley, who would later play Sheriff Ed Little on The Dukes of Hazzard) forces him to battle the still-alive Taylor to the death. Nova utters Taylor’s name and the humans kill the mutant. 

Just like Shakespeare, everyone dies. Seriously, most of the mutants commit suicide, Nova gets killed, Menedez is shot, Taylor gets gunned down and Brent gets murked, too. Luckily, Brent took out Ursus and Taylor says screw it and nukes everyone and everything. The end of this movie is amazing, so astounding that Electric Wizard used a sample from it on the song “Son of Nothing.”

“In one of the countless billions of galaxies in the universe lies a medium-sized star, and one of its satellites, a green and insignificant planet, is now dead”.

An alternate ending was written where Taylor, Brent and Nova escape and return to Ape City. With the help of Zira and Cornelius, they release the humans from the cages and a new order of peace begins. Hundreds of years later, the Lawgiver is teaching a group of ape and human children when a mutated gorilla appears and shoots a dove.

Before Richard Zanuck was fired as studio president during production, he is the one who gave the thumbs up to using the bomb to end this series. It was another Charlton Heston idea, who really didn’t want to be in these movies it seems. That said — this isn’t the end. Not at all.

How many movies keep going after the entire world gets blown up?

 

Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (1970)

The film Jaromil Jires directed before this one, 1969’s The Joke, has been described as “possibly the most shattering indictment of totalitarianism to come out of a Communist country.” As a result, it was banned for nearly twenty years.

Valerie and Her Week of Wonders is based on the 1935 Vítezslav Nezval novel. Much like that work, this movie is a work of surrealism and one of the films that I can best point to being part of a genre I’ve been referring to as “dark childhood” films, which I’ve come to represent as movies that use the supernatural to explain the pains of oncoming adulthood.

Valerie is asleep when a thief steals her earrings. She’s frightened by the masked Constable, who grows angry when the thief simply returns what he has stolen to her. That’s when she learns that the earrings were a last gift from her mother before she entered a convent, but they once belonged to the Constable.

The Thief and the Constable remain at odds over the earrings and Valerie. That night, she meets the masked man in the street, where he leads her to a chamber where her grandmother ritualistically whips herself all in the name of a past lover. Oh yeah — there’s also a woman named Elsa who was once the Constable’s lover that grows young again when she tastes blood.

The earrings pass through multiple owners and it turns out that Valerie’s blood itself is the key to nearly everyone’s survival. People transform into monsters and cats and if you didn’t guess already, the movie at this point has descended into a dream that only Valerie can wake up from.

Honestly, it’s hard to rationally write about this film. You’re either going to love the magic in every frame or you’re going to think it’s too arty or strange. Obviously, I belong to the former camp.

Members of the bands Espers, Fern Knight, Fursaxa and other musicians formed the Valerie Project in 2006, performing original songs while the film plays.

If you’ve ever read the works of Angela Carter or saw the film that she wrote for director Neil Jordan, The Company of Wolves, you’re seeing work directly influenced by Valerie.

Grab the Criterion blu of this and do yourself a favor. It’s a perfect film.

Goodbye Gemini (1970)

Alan Gibson may have been born in Canada, but he’s more known for his British horror films, which include Dracula A.D. 1972 and The Satanic Rites of Dracula.

Goodbye Gemini was based on the book Ask Agamemnon by Jenni Hall. The book differs in that it is written in the style of a Greek tragedy, with Agmemnon coming to life and interacting with Jacki, who has amnesia and sees the story unfold in less linear fashion.

The film is way more about the incestuous relationship between Jacki and Julian, which angered conservative groups who were already enraged about the excesses of pop culture at the end of the 1960’s.

This film and Freddie Francis’ Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny and Girly were targeted by the conservative press, which resulting in protests and theaters that refused to show either film. While they weren’t on the list of video nasties, the scandal that came in the wake of these two films was definitely a precusor to their era.

Jacki (Judy Geeson, fresh off To Sir, With Love) and Julian (Martin Potter, fresh off Fellini’s Satyricon) are twins on break from university who have entered London’s party scene, accompanied by Jacki’s teddy bear Agamemnon. The twins see the stuffed toy as a father figure and often speak to him as if he were a real person.

The twosome eventually connect with Clive (Alexis Kanner, The Prisoner), a pimp who knows the wealthy and well-connected. He’s on teh make for Jacki with his kind of, sort of girlfriend Denise wants Julian. However, Julian sees he and his sister as two sides of one hive mind and believes that incest is the natural next stage in their closeness.

Clive, on the other hand, is hiding from a huge debt within the house of the twins. In order to get the money, Clive drugs Julian and has two of his transgender prostitutes molest the twin while the pimp takes photos for blackmail. Denise confesses this plan to Jacki, telling her that Clive has done this in the past and has gone so far as to sell men into sexual slavery.

Jacki soon comforts Julian, telling him that their relationship has not changed. She helps him escape this issue by tricking Clive. It starts when they bet him that he can’t tell them apart. They dress their room into an altar for their bear and dress in ceremonial robes. As the pimp awakens, they repeatedly stab him, which leads to Agamemnon being cut in half. This causes her to have a nervous breakdown.

As an amnesiac Jacki recovers at the home of parliament member James Harrington-Smith (Sir Michael Redgrave, father of Vanessa and Lynn, in one of his last roles), the police go on a manhunt for the twins. Between James not wanting to be connected to the scandal and the twins increasingly fragile grasp on reality, there’s no way that this story can end happily.

You should check this movie out for yourself. You can get it from Ronin Flix.

ANOTHER TAKE ON: Guru the Mad Monk (1970)

The Church of Mortavia needs cash, so Father Guru does what he can, which means getting dead bodies for medical students to experiment on. This may mean stabbing churchgoers in the eyeball or working with vampires and hunchbacks. And while this is all supposedly set in the Middle Ages, it was really shot in New York City’s St. Peter’s Church, which means that you just may hear the sounds of modern traffic.

Shot for $11,000, this is yet another Milligan film where the director Milligan wrote, directed, built sets and sewed costumes for a film made up of mainly off-off Broadway actors and Staten Island locals. How else would you populate a prison colony of Catholic sinners who were all waiting to be served sentences that are all being wiped out by an insane priest?

This was made as part of a double bill with another of Milligan’s movies, The Body Beneath. It’s around 55 minutes long and has some gore, but in no way does it have as inventive of a title as Milligan’s best-named film, The Rats are Coming! The Werewolves are Here!

Milligan is a fascinating character study, probably moreso than his films to be perfectly honest. He was considered one of the worst directors of all time until his movie Fleshpot on 42nd Street was rediscovered by Something Weird Video and his theatrical efforts were unearthed. In some strange universe, his work as a queer filmmaker found a better audience than maniacs like me who watched his movies like The Ghastly Ones.

You can watch this for free on Tubi and Amazon Prime if you don’t have the Pure Terror box set.

PURE TERROR MONTH: Guru the Mad Monk (1970)

The Middle Ages were hard times for mad monks. Father Guru (Neal Flanagan) is a corrupt chaplain in the 15th Century, employed in a bizarre prison complex. Assigned to deliver the last rites to condemned prisoners, Guru also carries out punishments like heating up an iron cross and then searing the flesh of sinners while they kneel before him. When prison guard Carl’s girlfriend Nadja (Judith Israel) is locked up, accused of murdering her newborn baby, Carl (Paul Lieber) appeals to Guru to save his girlfriend from execution. In return, Guru enlists Carl’s help to acquire corpses to sell to medical schools for profit. Carl also finds himself indebted to Guru’s secret mistress, Olga (Jacquelin Webb), who gives him the drugs necessary to fake Nadja’s death.  Olga demands that Carl allow her some alone time with all the recently deceased corpses at the prison so that she may drain their blood for use in her ‘experiments’. What she really meant to say was “meals”, since she is a vampire.

Are you still following this?

Guru, who not only likes to date vampires but also has two-person conversations with himself in the mirror, is resentful over the fact that the mother church refuses to send more money to his parish. When Nadja is revived, they hide her in a tower chamber, where she spends her days looking out the window and noticing that people keep coming to the church and never leaving. Sometimes Guru kills them for Olga, and sometimes Olga kills them herself, but Guru has a knack for picking the right ones, especially when they say things like “Nobody knows I came here.” Nadja can’t wait to tell someone about it, bored in her tower chamber while Carl is on a long body-collecting journey for Guru. She also befriends Guru’s hunchback assistant, Igor, who is clearly so in love that he can hardly speak around her.  He has a memorable freakout moment when she shows him the slightest bit of interest and cheerfully asks him questions about himself. 

I’ve always thought of Andy Milligan as the John Waters of horror movies. Although he lacked recurring stars as outrageous as Divine, Edith Massey and Jean Hill, his films are driven by a similar manic energy. Not as earnest as Ed Wood’s cinematic output, Milligan movies usually don’t aspire to be better than they are, they just want to wallow in despicable behavior for an hour and then move on to the next feature. 

Guru the Mad Monk is one of the better examples of the way Milligan’s films take the more ridiculous aspects of the plot for granted. The plot goes on and on with daytime drama involving true love, religious convictions, and the abuse of power, with very little regard given to the fact that one of the characters is a fucking vampire. We are just supposed to accept that she’s a vampire, with no explanation given other than a throwaway line when Guru makes reference to when she was “bitten by that animal!” I kinda want the movie to be about that, ya know? But instead, you just have to go with it, because the movie charges full speed ahead right past it. Don’t worry, it runs just short of a full hour, so it won’t waste too much of your time.

Like Waters, Milligan has a way with dialogue that has to be heard to be believed. I won’t accuse the actors of delivering bad performances with stilted delivery, because actually they are rather convincing in these hopelessly bullshit roles. There’s nothing at all going for this movie without the performances, and I was not disappointed by these actors. Judith Israel is particularly good, channeling Mia Farrow from her hairstyle right down to her crisp, accented diction. 

A period picture is an ambitious concept for an ultra low budget film, and “Guru” has Milligan’s usual Halloween costume look to it. It’s supposed to be the Middle Ages, yet the women all wear modern cosmetics and the lead actress has lovely hair that probably took her Middle Ages hairdresser about an hour to shape for her. I wonder if they came to her tower to do her hair right there. Don’t let your guard down or you may catch yourself thinking this is one of the best ways to spend an hour of your life.