An ambitious young reporter is granted an interview with one of the FBI’s most wanted (the always welcomed Richard Tyson of Eternal Code, Death Kiss, The League of Legend Keepers, and the awesome Three O’Clock High). Upon entering his compound she discovers one of his prized possessions, a serial killer who murders-on-call: HAVOC. Her only hope to stop the bloodshed is a rogue detective (Robert Bronzi, Death Kiss and Once Upon a Deadwood) searching for his daughter. Oh, and there’s a reality TV series subplot about of group of greedy city kids who trek up “Terror Mountain” for a million bucks cash prize that sets off the mayhem . . . and probably deserve a little bit o’ havoc in their lives to wise them up.
If Charles Bronson lookalike Bronzi’s work in Death Kiss was meant to evoke Death Wish and if Once a Time in Deadwood was to evoke a spagetti western Death Wish, then Cry Havoc — with its Bronson vs. Leatherface vibe — is meant to evoke Bronson’s Leo Kessler character in J. Lee Thompson’s From 10 to Midnight. If you ever wanted to see a masked serial killer in a balls-out, woodsy battle royal with a take-no-prisoners cop, then this is your movie.
Do you feel lucky, Jason?
Cry Havoc was released across all PPV and VOD platforms, as well as DVD, on May 5th.
Disclaimer: This was sent to us by the film’s PR firm.
“Once more unto the “Police Academy Week” breach, dear friends! Once more, Sam; for we jam up our VCRs with the VHS dead.“
A film such as Golfballs! solidifies the B&S About Movies celluloid theory: All of the Police Academy ripoffs (reviewed this week) are basically ‘60s beach movies, which are the same thing as Porky’s movies, which are the same thing asMeatballs ripoffs, which are really just Animal House ripoffs. And we’ll multiple that equation with Harold Ramis’s Caddyshack and Robert Zemeckis’s incredibly underrated Used Cars.
VHS image courtesy of eBay/ds2p1s
However, if we go back a bit further into the pre-VHS Drive-In epoch, there was 1979’s Gas Pump Girlsand 1981’s Lunch Wagon and, if we delve into the direct-to-DVD epoch, 1990’s Zoo Radio and 1992’s The Bikini Car Wash Company (did you ever hear of 1984’s The Malibu Bikini Shop 1995’s Bikini Drive-In: you just did). Yeah, you know the T&A drill: It’s all familiar in terms of plot and characters; it’s raunchy, it’s moronic, and it’s all innocent soft-core shenanigans. And, as is the case with most of these films, there isn’t so much a plot as it is a series of comedic skits and vignettes with the thinnest of through lines. The premise of each of these films is somewhat the same: slobs vs. the snobs. And the slobs with the once glorious business that’s now a shell of its former self is being squeezed out of business by the snobs who want to plow down the landscape or city block for condos or push through a highway overpass to benefit their business.
Such is the tale of Golfballs!, which takes a little bit from each of those films and a blatantly steals a whole lot from Caddyshack (right down to a camouflaged Bill Murray clone) and Used Cars—only adding boobs. Lots of gratuitous boobs from the likes of Playboy and Howard Stern’s perpetual radio guest Amy Lynn Baxter and adult film star Jennifer Steele (and a few others X-stars). And there’s jokes about blue (golf) balls and bent “wood,” a farting Chihuahua, cussing grannies, and more golf double entendres about “sticks” and “balls,” vaudevillian spit-takes, shower scenes, and public urination. Oh, and let’s not forget Golfballs!—as well as Porky’s and Caddyshack from which it pinches—was also shot in South Florida . . . and so was 1989’s Summer Job, which, come to think of it, is sort of like, well, Golfballs!, in the ugh-ack-groan comedy department.
Anyway . . . instead of the competing gas stations from Gas Pump Girls, car lots from Used Cars, and radio stations Zoo Radio, we have competing golf courses, with the once glorious and now decrepit Pennytree Country Club run by a kindly old dude and the upscale Bentwood (yuk, yuk!) run by an old bastard. And the old bastard wants to level Pennytree to make way for condos.
Ah, but when the daisy-duke wearing granddaughter (Christy Tummond) of Pennytree’s owner caddies for a heavy-tipping rich creepy guy—and he keels from a heart attack as she picks up a golfball—she knows how to save the club!
So, with her boyfriend (Todd Allen Durkin)—her grandfather’s right hand man at the club—they hit the nightclubs and strip clubs recruiting hot bodies—both male and female—as scantily clad (the women even more so) caddies and the operators of a Topless (Golf) Cart Wash. And it all culminates with the Greasers and the Socs (Where are you, Ponyboy?) having a “winner take all” golf tournament. It’s no plot spoiler to telling you “The Outsiders” win this one.
And you know what? While not original in the slightest, for a low-budget shot-in-Fort Lauderdale indie with a group of amateur theatre actors, this good vs. evil romp isn’t that bad and has some actual laugh-out-loud moments. It’s not great. But it’s not awful. Too bad Golfballs! wasn’t made during the Drive-In heyday of the ‘70s; it would have cleaned up at the box office right alongside the likes of The Pom Pom Girls, The Van, Malibu Beach, H.O.T.S., and Van Nuys Blvd.
Golfballs! is a competently-shot and acted film; it’s unfortunate this ended up being the only feature film by South Floridian commercial director-cinematographer Steve Procko. It’s also the lone screenplay of Robert Small who, regardless of what the IMDb tells us, isn’t the same Robert Small who worked as a writer, director, and producer for A&E’s Biography, Comedy Central’s Pulp Comics and MTV’s Unplugged (once again burned by the IMDb’s digital content managers with their bad film Intel).
All of the local South Florida community theater actors are good in their roles—especially the leads of Christy Tummond and Todd Allen Durkin. While the affable Tummond dropped off the celluloid landscape, Durkin has since built up an impressive resume with recurring roles on the TV and cable series Magic City, Nashville, Drop Dead Diva, Wrecked, and I Am Frankie. He most recently guest-appeared on FOX-TV’s The Resident, as well as making a three-episode arc on ABC-TV’s January 2023 series, Will Trent. Elizabeth Rodriguez, who appears here as one of the “Bentwood Girls,” later appeared in recurring roles in Fear of the Walking Dead (Liza Ortiz) and Orange is the New Black (Aleda Diaz). As we like to say here at B&S About Movies: Everyone in Hollywood has to start somewhere . . . and Durkin and Rodriquez did alright for themselves. And we dig it.
Golfballs! received worldwide distribution on VHS and DVD and has been reviewed on French, German, and Japanese film sites (see? it pays to cast blonde adult film stars). Sadly, because of its content, it has never appeared on any VOD, PPV, or U.S. Cable TV platforms. Used out-of-print DVDs and VHS tapes are out there in the marketplace, but go for between $30 to $40 dollars. Luckily, we found a free copy to watch on You Tube.
Need another South Florida-shot Police Academy-inspired bit o’ hyjinks (aka policesploitation) with another South Florida-bred actor in his feature film-leading man debut? Check out Private Resort. Wanna rock SoFlo style? Check out Incident at Channel Q.
Update: In June 2022, film journalist David Wain caught up with director Steve Procko for some behind-the-scenes production stories on The Schlock Pit.
Canada made the move in the late 1980’s from slashers to sex comedies, so it seemed. This next Police Academy ripoff concerns firefighters and was filmed days after a very similar 80’s sex on the job comedy, Recruits.
Writer, producer and star Mike Strapko — along with his brother and an actor named Goran Kalezic — were production assistants on that Wassanga Beach shot, Charlie Wiener-directed film.
Wiener made a TV movie called Blue Murder and Dragon Hunt in addition to this movie (he also wrote Screwball Hotel), so let me assure you — his scumbag skills are in full effect here.
We meet our heroes — such as they are — Sam (Kalezic), Keith (Eric Crabb) and Baduski (Strapko) as they leave the beach to fight a fire, which really ends up being a surprise party for the firefighting parrot Fireballs, who loves beer and breasts.
I really think I might never have to write again after that sentence.
The movie then becomes Gung Ho, as Japanese business owner Mr. Matsuro wants to bring his company to town, but thinks that the fire department can’t handle things. He wants to bring in his own team of Japanese fire fighting experts.
Can you believe I just wrote that?
Strapko was supposedly an actual firefighter, so one would assume he’d want to make the profession look more heroic than this. Actually, scratch that. He just wanted to see as many breasts as possible, much like the character he’s playing, which is really more John Belushi cosplay than anything.
This movie is my kind of film. It’s neither sexy nor funny, so the more that it attempts either, it actually becomes more of the latter. For example, the idea of a bird that is dubbed to sound like it’s swearing is mildly fine the first time, becomes grating and then annoying before becoming incoherently amazing. This is the kind of movie that demands to be watched with an entire table full of mind-altering substances and a group of people who refuse to judge it and instead demand that it get worse so that it gets better.
The movie comes and goes from You Tube — as either a non-sign or age-restricted sign-in — and the lastest upload can be enjoyed HERE. In lieu of a trailer, you can watch We Bare All’s review-homage to USA’s “Up All Night” airing of Fireballs, which features plenty of clips from the film.
Steve Guttenberg returns as Colton West in the sequel to Lavalantula. Once again, giant lava spitting spiders are killing people, but this time it’s in Florida, where Colton’s stepdaughter is on spring break. Guttenberg’s former Police Academy co-stars Michael Winslow and Marion Ramsey are back to help stop them including biggest lavantula of them all — the Gargantulantula.
When Steve Guttenberg gives his inspirational speech, saying “There are no aliens in Florida,” Tahnee Welch and Tyrone Power, Jr. are there They are playing their roles from Cocoon and Cocoon: The Return, a fact that is probably lost on everyone but maniacs like you and me.
SyFy and their damn movies got me to watch this by not only featuring Guttenberg, Winslow and Ramsey, but throwing in Martin Kove. Some people are suckers for their favorite hot actresses. I show up for Martin Kove in movies. Such is my lot in life.
If you want to watch a bad CGI giant monster movie about spiders that lay eggs in people and basically fart out fire, I can’t stop you. I can’t tell you not to make the mistakes I made. I can only wish you the best.
I wanted . . . I needed a piece of Sam’s “Police Academy Week” action. And I think I found a movie that fits. Well, it’s more like an Animal House square peg in a Police Academy round hole . . . but let’s jam ‘er into that policesploitation pegboard, shall we? (And this movie is a hyperlink fest. It’s perfect for a B&S once over.)
As Sam’s review expertise pointed out this week: Police Academy ripoffs are basically beach movies, which are the same thing as Porky’s movies, which are the same thing asMeatballs ripoffs, which are also all really just Animal House ripoffs.
So let’s cue up Animal Resort, I mean, Private Resort.
“Hey, wait a minute. Sam already reviewed this one, R.D.”
Nope, that’s the Charles Grodin-starring Last Resort.
This “resort” movie stars Johnny Depp and, while one of the better ones, is one of the least remembered in a slew of ‘80s spring break/T&A comedies with the titles of Fraternity Vacation, Hot Resort, One Crazy Summer, Spring Break, and Where the Boys Are. Or just maybe you remember Private Resort better than those other movies? I mean, look at the stuff Sam remembered and dug up for “Police Academy Week,” right? Anything is possible in the B&S universe.
Anyway, Depp was fresh off his feature film debut with A Nightmare on Elm Street and a year away from his “arrival” with Oliver Stone’s Platoon in this, his leading man role. His co-star was a then unknown Rob Morrow in his acting debut—and on his way to a five-year run with CBS-TV’s Northern Exposure.
As is always the case at B&S About Movies: the plot is piffle and the cast is what draws us into a film released during the Drive-In ‘70s and the VHS ‘80s.
We’ve got Emily Longstreth, later of American Drive-In, Star Crystal, and Wired to Kill as the female lead. In support are Hector Elizondo (you know his resume!), ‘70s Southern-style comic and game show mainstay Dody Goodman, “Sgt./Lt. Callahan” Leslie Easterbrook from Police Academy2, 3, 4, Hilary Shepard from Weekend Pass (how did you miss that one, Sam?), Michael Bowen from Iron Eagle, Night of the Comet, and Valley Girl, Lisa London from H.O.T.S (which starred Angela Aames from Basic Training), and how can we forget Andrew “Dice” Clay fresh off his role from Night Patrol and on his way to The Adventures ofFord Fairlane?
Since this is a teen sex romp (and you want to watch the 82-minute, uncut theatrical version; TV edits need not apply), the plot is pretty simple: Depp and Morrow are two teen buddies scamming 30-something-plus wealthy babes at a Miami resort (actually the Ocean Reef Club in Key Largo, Florida). And amid the generous amounts the “T” and the “A,” they run afoul of The Maestro (Hector Elizondo), a jewel thief after a prized diamond necklace owned by a high-society woman (Dody Goodman).
So who is behind the lens and pen on this teen sex fest?
Well, this is another B&S lesson in “everyone in Hollywood has to start somewhere,” and the biggest name behind the scenes is screenwriter Alan Wenkus. Working as a “script doctor” on Private Resort, he would be nominated by the Writers Guild of America and the Oscar Academy for “Best Original Screenplay” for Straight Outta Compton. The resume of the screenwriter Wenkus “doctored” is TV scribe Gordon Mitchell: his resume dates to the late ‘60s as a staff writer on Gomer Pyle: USMC, Get Smart, The Jeffersons, and Mork & Mindy.
And who’s behind the lens?
It’s none other than George Bowers: his resume goes back to the Drive-In ‘70s as the editor on Van Nuys Blvd. and Galaxina for William Sachs. Transitioning to the director’s chair, Bowers debuted with The Hearse (Sam/Jennifer Upton), bought us another T&A romp with My Tutor, and finished his directing career with Private Resort. He then reverted back editing work with The Stepfather, Harlem Nights, and A League of Their Own. But the one video fringers remember Bowers the best for is the weird-fest that is The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.
Contrary to popular opinion—and as is the case with the confusion between Last Resort and Private Resort and Hot Resort—1981’s Private Lessons and 1983’s Private School aren’t sequels to Private Resort: their only “relationship” is that R. Ben Efraim produced all three of those “Private” teen sex comedies. I’ll venture a guess: Gordon Mitchell wrote an innocuous heist comedy and producer R. Ben Efraim brought on Wenkus to add some “sex comedy” to the proceedings.
Since this stars Depp, Private Resort is readily available across all VOD platforms and turns up as a free movie on various cable systems’ PPV menus. But the ever intrepid researchers at B&S About Movies found you a free copy on Daily Motion (it’s the uncut version with the boobs intact) to enjoy.
Another trailer embed bites the dust. We give up! You’re on your own!
About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
This Saturday night, join Bill Van Ryn and me LIVE here on Groovy Doom’s Facebook for the first ever Drive-In Asylum double feature watch party – late 80s monster freakout “Spookies” and 1971 PG-rated sickie “Blood and Lace” starring Gloria Grahame!
Both movies are on YouTube, but you should already own them! Please note that we will not be showing the movies just commenting on them.
There’s only one reason why I watched this Sharknado-esque movie. It’s right there on the poster: featuring the cast of Police Academy.
Yes, Steve Guttenberg, Michael Winslow, Marion Ramsey and Leslie Easterbrook are in this. Obviously, my devotion to you, dear reader, and the legacy of Carey Mahoney knows no limit.
Guttenberg plays Colton West, a former movie star stuck in direct to streaming movies, who is now facing off with spiders that have come out of a volcano.
This is one of those “full of people” movies, with Patrick Renna (Ham from The Sandlot), singer Nia Peebles, Ralph Garman (a familiar comedy face) and Danny Woodburn all making appearances.
Here’s something that makes me happy. After the producers told Guttenburg he could choose any of his past colleagues to be in the film, he picked his Police Academy friends, along with Peeples from Tower of Terror and Patrick Renna from The Big Green.
There’s even a Blue Oyster reference and a short crossover with Ian Ziering playing his role of Fin Shepard from Sharknado. Most of the cast would also return for the sequel, 2 Lava 2 Lantula. Martin Kove is in that as well, so it’s like the filmmakers are basically demanding that I watch it.
The rest of the world doesn’t remember it. I’d like to celebrate it for you, as it’s a monument to the late night cable stupidity that I spend a good chunk of my teen years on. Who am I lying to? I’ve spent a good portion of my life watching movies like this.
When TV Guide reviewed this movie, they said, “Honestly, there isn’t one moment in this alleged comedy that anyone over the age of seven would find even remotely funny.”
When I reviewed this movie, I stood on my couch and screamed, “I love Vic Tayback!” like some kind of imbecile.
Also known as Hollywood Air Force, this film is all about the adventures of Hollywood actors, stuntmen and writers who have been drafted into military service during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
After getting in trouble, they must pass an inspection or be sent to actual military service. Led by Vince Tucker (Chris Lemmon), they use movie magic to appear that they look like they know what they’re doing.
In addition to the beloved Tayback, Lloyd Bridges, Matt McCoy (Sgt. Nick Lassard, of course), Tom Villard from We Got It Made and Deep Roy — yes, Fellini from Flash Gordon — all appear.
If you’re the kind of TV junkie who would get excited when E.Z. Taylor from the Three’s Company spin-off Three’s A Crowd shows up, much less also know that he was Kevin in The Final Terror, then this is a movie that you should come over to watch with me after this pandemic ends. Or maybe we’ll just watch it over the internet.
I spent lots of money to get this on DVD. Obviously, my love for the Police Academy movies — not to mention Christopher Lee and owning absolute junk on physical media — is unmatched.
You know what’s awesome about the world that we live in? Of all the movies to be amongst the first Western films to be shot in the Soviet Union, one of the Police Academyfilms would be one of them, lensing right in the midst of Red Square.
Commandant Eric Lassard (George Gaynes), Sergeant Larvell Jones (Michael Winslow), Sergeant Eugene Tackleberry (David Graf) and Captain Debbie Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook) are joined by Cadet Kyle Connors (Charlie Schlatter) and the despised Capt. Thaddeus Harris (G. W. Bailey).
Wait? Where’s Captain Moses Hightower? Well, Bubba Smith was asked to return, but when he was told that Sergeant Laverne Hooks (Marion Ramsey) wouldn’t be involved, he quit. This is exactly like the scene in the first Police Academy, which kind of makes me emotional.
Russian gangster Konstantine Konali (Ron Perlman!) is using Tetris to launder money. Russian Commandant Alexandrei Nikolaivich Rakov (Christopher Lee!) beings in help from the man he met at a police convention, Commandant Lassard.
Hijinks, as they say, ensue.
Is that Claire Forlani? Is that original Mousketeer Lonnie Burr as a gay Russian? Would you believe that the October 4, 1993 assault on the Russian parliament building almost took out the entire production team?
For his part, Perlman considers his work in this movie “a public service”, as he felt that he shut down the series, exclaiming, “I’m not going to apologize. I did that piece of shit.”
He forgets — as does most of the rest of the non-bonkers world, that there was a 1997 syndicated Police Academy series that followed a new crew of recruits across 26 episodes. Only Winslow would return as Jones, but there were guest-starring roles for Easterbrook with Callahan becoming a district attorney, Art Metrano as Mauser, Gaynes as Lassard, Graf as Tackleberry, who is now a Captain, Colleen Camp appearing in archival footage and Tim Kazurinsky as Sweetchuck. Bubba Smith would finally come back as well, with Hightower being promoted to Captain in episode 19.
There was also a 65-episode cartoon series that spawned a comic book and Kenner action figure line, which is amazing when you consider that the original Police Academy movies earned their R rating.
While the TV series is unavailable on DVD or even streaming, the cartoon certainly is. It was animated by Toei. Yes, the same studio that made Dragonball Z and Sailor Moon.
Rich Correll was Richard Rickover on Leave It to Beaver and helped Harold Lloyd preserve his film as a teen, a role he still works on. He’s directed tons of TV, like a hundred episodes of Hanna Montana. He also produced the Police Squad! TV series and worked with Police Academy‘s Paul Maslansky to make this somewhat forgotten 1990 teen comedy.
Ray Walston and Martin Mull are the grown-up good and bad guys in this story of a ski lodge being sold to make a mall, because in 1990 malls and avarice were things, not that they aren’t things right now.
George Lopez and Paul Feig — yes, the very same man who would make Freaks and Geeks and less famously, the 2016 Ghostbusters — make early appearances.
This was released the same year as Ski School, which got a sequel, while this movie had none of its planned follow-ups.
There’s a wacky guy who has multiple faces thanks to a mask that allows him to continually talk to himself. That’s pretty much the highlight of this film. I’d like to say that these are a genre in and out of themselves, but seeing as how this is posted during a week of Police Academy-ripoffs, I can tell you that they are basically beach movies, which are the same thing as Porky’s movies, which are the same thing as Meatballs ripoffs, which are also all really Animal House ripoffs.
B&S About Movies 
You must be logged in to post a comment.