Tomie: Another Face (1999)

The first sequel to Tomie was actually a three-episode TV series that was later released to video. It was originally called Tomie: Fearsome Beauty, but was renamed for the home video release.

This version of the Tomie story introduces her at different times in her life, beginning when her dead body is discovered amongst the garbage in the street. She comes back to life to break up her boyfriend and his former girlfriend, all while a mysterious man follows her, taking photos. Things end as they always do, with Tomie tossed from a roof and being taken to the woods to be buried, proving that these characters didn’t watch the first movie. As they walk to school the next day, hand in hand, our protagonists learn that Tomie cannot die.

Another photographer, who has lost his love for his art, finds Tomie and tells her that she reminds him of another girl, the one who taught him to love taking photos. However, when the photos are developed, he notices that Tomie has two faces, one beautiful and the other distorted. She tells him to in order to prove that she is not a ghost, he should kill her. He does, at which point she revives and the original girl — also Tomie — led him to his death before posing for selfies.

Finally, the eyepatch-wearing man is revealed as a cornoner who lost his job and family when Tomie left his examination table in the morgue. He attacks her, but she uses her new lover to fight him off, telling him if he loves her then he will kill the older trenchcoat-clad man. The coroner shows the boyfriend the truth, that Tomie has been responsible for so many deaths, but even when they try to burn her body, all of the ashes form in the sky in the shape of her face, with every bit of her forming new Tomies.

Nearly every review of this movie made mention of its low budget and general ineptitude. I kind of enjoyed it, but knew going in that this wasn’t going to be a perfect sequel. But for those looking for more Tomie, well, here it is.

Tomie (1999)

Manga creator Junji Ito grew up in a house where he was afraid to go to the bathroom, as it was at the end of a long underground tunnel filled with water crickets. While working as a dental technician, he was drawing at night and submitted a story to a magazine called Monthly Halloween that would become Tomie. The story was inspired by the death of a classmate, which Ito felt was odd that the boy just disappeared from the world. So he came up with the idea of a girl who died but just came back as if nothing has happened.

Director Ataru Oikawa didn’t want to make the movie version to be filled with gore, but more of a horrific youth drama. He still sought out Ito’s approval, taking parts from the original “Photograph” and “Kiss” stories and even had the creator’s approval for the casting of Miho Kanno as Tomie.

The police are looking into the murder of Tomie, a high school girl, which was followed over the next three years by the suicide or insanity of nine other students and a teacher. Soon, the detective assigned to the case learns that Tomie has been murdered and reborn in Gifu since the 1960’s, just as Japan joined the industrial era.

A classmate of Tomie, Tsukiko Izumisawa, can’t remember the three months around her friend’s murder. And oh yeah — her neighbor is nursing a strange baby that soon grows into another Tomie, which seduces Tsukiko’s boyfriend before attacking her at her therapist’s office by shoving cockroaches down her mouth. So our protagonist’s boyfriend does what any of us would do — he cuts the head off Tomie and takes Tsukiko to bury the body in the woods, which of course backfires. Tomie reappears and kisses Tsukiko full on the lips, who responds by setting her on fire.

That said, a few months later, Tsukiko begins to realize that she is becoming Tomie herself.

While not a horror movie, this certainly is a strange movie. For some reason, in the glut of Japanese horror that was badly remade in the U.S., this series never showed up. I would assume that’s because there’s no easy hook to grab on to.

Knocking on Death’s Door (1999)

If you’re an avid B&S About Movies reader, then you know Roger Corman ain’t one to pass up a hot film genre without creating a knockoff. And the paranormal was a hot property in 1999 courtesy of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Sixth Sense and David Koepp’s Stir of Echoes.

And Corman, at the very least, owned a solid to Craig Nevius — the guy he contracted to script the abortive tax dodge-copyright retainer that was 1994’s The Fantastic Four. So, yeah, the least Rog could do was greenlight another Nevius script. And remember, way back in the day, when Patrick Dempsey and Helen Slater were “things” that made you go the theater (ugh, chicks and movie date nights)? Well, Craig’s introduction to Hollywood was the 1989 Brat Pack-inspired Happy Together starring the duo.

So, that’s that backstory.

But why Rog didn’t slap an Amityville* prefix on this to sell as a bogus sequel is anyone’s guess. I mean, come on, Rog. Amityville: The Vacancy. Bam! Sequel city. How could you not see it, Rog?

However . . . we’re not reviewing this because of Corman or Nevius. Or that it was a missed Amityville “sequel” opportunity. Or the fact that David Carradine (Night Rhythms) is creeping up the joint. We’re here because John Doe of X is in the support cast as Professor Paul Ballard.

Yes. John Doe. As a University Professor. Yeah, you’re damn right I am watching this one — its Corman ripoffness be damned to the pits of hell.

So, Brad and Danielle (Brian Bloom and Kimberly Row) are two newlywed paranormal psychologists who enjoy their erotic kinks (hey, it’s a Corman ghost romp, after all). And Brad carries Danni over the threshold of the Sunset House, an infamously documented New England residence (actually filmed in Ireland), with the goal of recording the spirits-in-residence. And they discover the ghost of the autistic Samuel, a murdered little boy who likes to play “London Bridge Is Falling Down” on the piano and enjoys scrawling cryptic chalk warnings on the basement floors. And that Samuel sees the memory of his mommy in Danielle. Oh, and Danni’s pregnant and Sammy wants that fetus to keep his spirit warm. And that Sammy isn’t all too fond of sex, so Brad and Danielle “stir the spirits” with frequency. Oh, and Danielle used to get her freak on with her and Brad’s boss, Professor Ballard (you go, Mr. Doe). And the ‘ol town doctor, played by Carradine, only has kinky eyes for her. And so does the local cemetery’s creepy gravedigger. And with that, the ghostly grandfather clocks, red hot fireplace pokers, and axes are tossed around in quick succession.

Uh-oh! Caveat emptor ye David Carrdine fans: this is another marquee-on-the-box cameo boondoggle of the Eric Roberts variety, as ol’ Dave is on board for less than 10 minutes, and John Doe — who I personally came for — isn’t around for much longer. But if you’re into guys with haunting blue eyes of the Meg Foster variety (who doubled as a young “Burt Reynolds” in a gaggle of syndicated, late ’90s Smokey and the Bandit** TV movies) or actresses that look a little bit like Charlize Theron (and appeared in a bunch of soft core flicks prefixed with the words “Justine” and “Emmanuelle” and suffixed with numerals) frolicking inside a Corman house of horrors, then there’s something here for you to stream on a Friday Night.

But truth be told: Nevius’s script, in conjunction with its direction by Mitch Marcus (who also knocked out the 1999 Corman rip The Haunting of Hell House starring Michael York), actually has some nice, creepy n’ chilling visuals in spite of its low-budget effects, and genuine thrilling moments.

And you can watch it courtesy of a free-with-ads-stream on Tubi TV.

* We love our Amityville flicks around here, so much so we cataloged them all with our “Exploring: Amityville” featurette.

** We love our Smokey and the Bandit knockoffs and hicksploitation movin’ piktures ’round ‘ere, Cletus. So check out our “The Top 70 Good Ol’ Boys Film List” featurette, a collection of down-home films produced from 1972 to 1986.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies and publish music reviews and short stories on Medium.

Forces of Nature (1999)

John, my friend . . . you own me a brew at the “Double Douche” . . . for I just endured a “chick flick” — for you. A chick flick with Sandra Bullock, no less. And Ben Affleck. And I just went from the rim of the bowl, and into the swirl of the bowl . . . storms and hurricane analogies of the heart be damned.

Just the way he’s leaning back, like a limp-ass noodle, is pissing me off.

If all feels a little sitcomy, that’s because you’ll notice the name of Marc Lawrence on the marquee, who broke into the industry as a staff writer and supervising producer on NBC-TV’s Family Ties. He then went on to become Sandra Bullock’s go-to writer, also penning her films Miss Congeniality (2002), Miss Congeniality 2 (2002), and Two Weeks Notice (2002).

Amazingly, and only in Hollywood-penned careers, Ben Holmes, our romantic lead (Ben Affleck), is able to make a living — and live in Manhattan, the most expensive section of real estate in the U.S. — by writing “blurbs” on the sleeves of hardcover books. Meanwhile, Sam and I kill ourselves writing movie reviews for, get this, the glory — and the occasional free screener links. And the privilege to live in a week-to-week existence in Allegheny County where the Spaghetti-O’s flow like a fine wine.

Yep, as usual: in less than five minutes, Ben Affleck has managed to pissed me off with the desire to give him, as Sam would say, “a Chris Kattan punch in the nutsack” for making a movie.

Anyway, the “force of nature” comes in the form of a self-professed, free-spirited drifter named Sarah (Sandra Bullock) who ends up next to Ben on his flight from New York City to Savannah, Georgia. Oh, and Ben is on his way to marry Bridget who, of course, he discovers he doesn’t love, thanks to wild n’ crazy Sarah.

And how is it, a free-spirit without the income of our successful blurb writer, can afford to sit next to Ben on a plane? Eh, plot piffle. Lets cue the birds — the fowl that flies into the engines and grounds the plane. So Sarah convinces Ben to rent-ride share to Savannah. But why not hop another flight? Well, Ben hated flying in the first place — and now that friggin’ bird in the engine has him completely freaked out. Hey, he’s a book blurb writer and has everything to live for: for he, like the annoyances on NBC-TV’s Friends, has a job with an income level that in no way can afford him to live next to Joey Tribbiani and Chandler Bing who, based on economics, shouldn’t be able to live in Manhattan, either. (And how in the hell did Rachel Green — a homeless and unemployed runaway bride, without a degree in the field and no experience, and who couldn’t even cut it as a coffee house waitress — climb the ladder of Ralph Lauren’s fashion empire, then be courted by Gucci? Only in the sitcom-verse where you get amazing jobs with no training and apartments beyond your meager means, and there’s never a shortage of attractive women for annoying, bald Woody Allen knockoffs like George Costanza.)

Anyway . . . back to “The Force,” as the usual car rentals, train snafus, crowded buses, love on Tilt-a-Whirls, and thunderstorms — and the eventual hurricane — ensues. But why didn’t they call this Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? Well, that title was already taken by a Steve Martin and John Candy movie, remember? And naming a film after transportational devices isn’t as romantic as giving a movie a title that implies kismet.

Hey, what about John Doe?

Well, he’s married to Sandra and she dumps him for Ben. Dumping a hungry wolf for a douchy wash cloth? Welcome to the sitcom-verse. But in Sandra’s defense: John’s a scumbag that’s cheating her out of her family home and never lets her live down life’s mistakes. In John’s defense: he slugs ‘ol Benny-boy right in the kisser. Nice. But it took an hour and a half to get to John’s scene, so that punch to Ben’s face isn’t enough to save this rom-doggle — even if it’s John Doe throwing the punch. Maybe if John also socked Ben’s whiny-nasally co-star, Steve Zahn?

Hah. Too little, too late. Time for Pat McGurn to tap us a cold one, you know, at the place where, when Ben Affleck confronts me for this review . . . they’ll be sweepin’ my eyeballs off the floor.

Yeah, I’m going to need a TBS replay of John Doe in Road House to flush this celluloid infamy from my eyes. Yeah, John. I know you were in The Good Girl (2002) with Jennifer Aniston. But sorry, my friend. No can do. I already did the Affleck flick for you, and now you’re on shaky ground with Jen. Even Sam, the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer and Mix Master of Movie Themed Drinks, scoffed at my challenge to review it. Not even a threat from your Uncle Brad will make us. Sorry, John. But we’re just not that desperate for entertainment in Allegheny County. But feel free to write the tune “R.D Hit and Run Ben,” with no publishing rights on my end required.

But Sam — being the uber Rowdy Herrington* fan that he is — is reviewing Road House for ya! (*So much so, he conducted a four-part interview with the director.)

From the Useless Movie Trivia to Amaze Your Friends at Parties Department: This is the second John Doe review this week — the other is Man Maid (2008) — that features actor Steve Hytner and John Doe in the same movie — although they’re not in any scenes together, here. They’re also in the unreleased Mila Kunis flick Tom Cool (2009). And sci-fi fans may recall Hynter and Doe in the cast of “Into the Woods” from the first season of FOX-TV’s Roswell. So, there you go. Reviewing this movie wasn’t a total waste, for you’ve been movie trivia blessed.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

Sugar Town (1999)

Allison Anders and Kurt Voss wanted to re-team on another rock ‘n’ roll film since their 1983-begun, four-year shot Border Radio released in 1987, and the critical and box-office success of her Brill Building and Beach Boys “what if” rock flick Grace of My Heart (1996).

The film’s second genesis was their friend, bassist John Taylor, who aspired to begin an acting career; so Anders and Voss manned the typewriters to create an acting showcase for the ex-Duran Duran’er. To lend to the film’s realism, Anders and Voss opted to cast musicians in lieu of actors: the rest of the cast stars former Spandau Ballet bassist Martin Kemp (who found acclaim in the 1990 British mobster flick The Krays; however, he worked as an actor since the early ’70s), Michael Des Barres (of Silverhead, Detective, and Power Station; as an actor, you know him as Murdoc from the original ’80s MacGyver), and John Doe of X (A Matter of Degrees). Also acting in the film — and providing the film’s musical direction — is Larry Klein, the ex-husband of ’70s folkie Joni Mitchell.

The plot concerns the exploits of Clive, Jonesey, and Nick (Taylor, Kemp, and Des Barres), three washed-up L.A. rock superstars who attempt to formulate a supergroup from their career ashes. They, of course, think they’ll return to the top of the charts with the outrageously sexist tune, “Gravy Stain Girl.” Their fellow washed-up L.A. rocker cohort, Carl (John Doe), is at odds with his pregnant wife over his recent hire as a lead guitarist for an up-and-coming singer. Roseanna Arquette stars as Eva, Clive’s equally washed-up and age-out actress wife, struggling to stay on top in Hollywood. Beverly D’Angelo is an older, rich woman who will back Clive’s musical endeavors — provided he sleeps with her.

Keep your ears open for John Doe’s post-X work in The John Doe Thing with “Tragedy by Definition.” The grungy alt-rock crowd will notice the sounds of PJ Harvey, Thalia Zedek’s Come, and Seattle’s Sup Pop’ers Combustible Edison on the soundtrack. J. Mascis of Dinosaur, Jr. (he recently appeared in I’ll Be Around), who scored Gas Food Lodging for Anders, provides the film score.

Made for a measly, budget conscious quarter of a million dollars, the film barely broke $170,000 in U.S. box office. So, don’t go into this expecting a mainstream Ray or Walk the Line; however, if you enjoy seeing rockers on film and enjoyed ’90s indie flicks courtesy of the October Films and Miramax imprints, then there’s something here for you to enjoy.

And for the Allison Anders and John Doe collaboration completists and Johnny Cash fans hankering for another cinematic beyond Walk the Line: Doe stars as the father of June Carter Cash (played by Jewel Kilcher instead of Reese Witherspoon) in Ring of Fire (2013), a cable TV adaption of the book Anchored in Love: An Intimate Portrait of June Carter Cash.

You can watch Sugar Town on You Tube.

From the “Trivia to Impress Your Friends at Parties Department”: John’s daughter Elena Nommensen, who has a bit part here (and in John’s 2007 film, The Sandpiper), became a wardrobe and art director. In addition to working on the upcoming Venom: Let There Be Carnage, she also worked (didn’t realize it then) on the recently reviewed short The Devil’s Passengers (discovered on a You Tube dive), and worked alongside her dad in his upcoming, 82nd acting project, D.O.A: The Movie.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

Brokedown Palace (1999)

What do you get when you have a Roger Corman-bred director and a screenplay titled after a cut from the Grateful Dead’s 1970 album American Beauty?

A box-office bomb that failed at making back half of its $25 million budget.

The film killed Jonathan Kaplan’s feature film career and became his last feature film. That’s a hard fall from 1988, when Jodie Foster won her first Oscar courtesy of his directing work on The Accused, which elevated his B-Movie status to Hollywood’s A-List with such high profile films as Unlawful Entry and Love Field (both 1992). Of course, the B&S crowd remembers Kaplan for the Drive-In potboilers Night Call Nurses (1972), The Student Nurses (1973), Truck Turner (1975), and White Line Fever (1975), and the quintessential juvenile delinquency flick of the ’70s, Over the Edge (1979).

Screenwriter David Arata — who earned an Academy Award nod for “Best Adapted Screenplay” for Children of Men (2007) — penned the tale of two American girls (Claire Danes and Kate Beckinsale) who decide to take a vacation to Hawaii after graduating high school. . . .

Then they make the mistake of changing their itinerary to Thailand because the prices to travel there are cheaper. . . .

Then they meet up with an Australian bad boy, natch, who offers to take them on a “free” day-trip to Hong Kong. . . .

Guess who just got duped into being drug mules?

I’m with Roger Ebert on this one, who gave it a “Thumbs Up” and three out of four stars. While it’s negativity toward the Thai justice system comes off a bit prejudice, Jonathan Kaplan crafted a quality film; he certainly didn’t deserve to be banished to the world of network television. And while a young Danes and Beckinsale deliver the goods, Bill Pullman and Lou Diamond Phillips are equally excellent. And there’s John Doe going toe-to-toe in the thespin’ arena, dependable and reliable on the screen, as always.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies and publishes on Medium.

Repost: The Rage: Carrie 2 (1999)

Editor’s Desk: This review originally ran on May 25, 2018, as part of our “Stephen King Week” of reviews and we’ve brought it back for John Doe Week.

Originally titled The Curse, this film, based on the real-life Spur Posse case (read up at Wikipedia; you’ve seen the case as plot fodder for Law & Order), sat in development hell for two years. One can only wish that it had remained there. How did we as a people allow this movie to happen? If only social media had been around to shame this film into nothingness back then!

The original story was so close to Carrie that the producers decided to go for it and the film finally went into production in 1998 under the title Carrie 2: Say You’re Sorry. However, just a few weeks into production, director Robert Mandel (School Ties, F/X) quit over creative difference and Katt Shea (Stripped to KillPoison Ivy, Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase) stepped in with less than a week to prepare and two weeks’ worth of unusable footage.

Did you like Hackers? Well, if you did, good news. The writer of that movie, Rafael Moreu, also wrote this. Chances are, however, that you disliked that movie. Most people do.

Man, where to start? Well, how about in the past, where Barbara Lang paints a red paint barrier throughout her house to protect her daughter Rachel from Satan? There’s a nice transition here where we go from the young girl holding her puppy to the teen version holding an older version of Walter the dog.

Rachel hates her foster parents (the dad is John Doe from X! and A Matter of Degrees) and only has one friend, Lisa (a pre-American Pie and American Beauty, if only by a few months, Mena Suvari). On the bus, Lisa shares that she just gave up her virginity to Eric (Zachery Ty Bryan of TV’s Home Improvement), a football player.

The truth? It’s all an elaborate game where players get points for sleeping with different girls. Eric rejects her and Lisa dives off the roof of the school, igniting Rachel’s telekinetic powers.

That’s when we meet Sue Snell (Amy Irving, who asked Brian De Palma for his blessing), the only person who came back from the original. She’s now a school counselor and she and Sheriff Kelton are trying to figure out why so many girls have come to her in tears. Never mind that one of them just did a perfect dive off the garden club’s roof.

Meanwhile, Walter the dog gets hit by a car and Jesse, the nice football player takes her to the animal hospital. Becca assures me that Jason London and his twin brother, Jesse, were once a big deal. All I know is that he was in Dazed and Confused.

The football players learn that Rachel figured out the game and alerted the police, so they try and intimidate her. Her powers nearly kill them before her foster parents arrive.

Sue Snell drops the bomb on Rachel soon after. Her father, Ralph White, also was the father of Carrie White, who burned down the school that Sue attended and killed 70 people thanks to her powers. Rachel refuses to believe that they are half-sisters, even after a visit to the burned down school. This is probably where the planned Sissy Spacek cameo would have gone, but she did not want to be in the film. She did allow her old footage to be used, however. There was even a version shot of this scene where Rachel kicked the metal bucket that dropped onto Carrie’s head, but thankfully smarter heads won out.

So Jesse falls in love with Rachel, despite popular girl Tracy being all butthurt about it. Oh yeah — I forgot that American Pie alumnus Eddie Kaye Thomas shows up, too.

The players get out of jail free thanks to the status of their parents. But they want revenge, so they decide to humiliate Rachel. They secretly tape Rachel and Jesse making love and play it at a big party that they’ve invited Rachel to. The players also reveal their sex game and make her believe that Jesse never really loved her.

As they all scream and yell at her (one of them even yells, “They’re all going to laugh at you,” which one imagines they would only know from an Adam Sandler routine), she finally unleashes her power and kills nearly everyone. This is the one great scene in the film, as her shitty tattoo (which looks like the fakest tattoo in the history of the fake tattoo game) becomes vines that descend down her arm.

Sue has somehow stolen Barbara from the mental institution to try and save Rachel, but it causes her death (shades of Miss Collins in the original). Even spear guns and a flare gun can’t stop her. Finally, her mother tells her that she is possessed by Satan and wants nothing to do with her and Rachel begs to die.

Tracy comes into the house and Rachel kills her with absolutely no mercy. As the videotape of Jesse and Rachel plays, she makes him explain. He screams that he loves her but she doesn’t believe it until she hears the same tone on the video. The ceiling collapses on her and he stays by her side to kiss, but she pushes him away as she dies.

A year later, while in his college dorm with her dog (he must have one of those great football player deals that allow you to have a pet on campus and yes, I get the silliness of me being bothered by this when I’ve just watched an entire movie about psychic powers), Rachel appears to him in a dream before she shatters. And yes, that’s the dumbest ending I’ve seen in some time.

This movie is a complete piece of 1990’s shit. It’s all shot with that crushed black/blue filter, everything on the soundtrack sounds like Fear Factory and it makes you realize a time and place where horrible sequels like this and An American Werewolf in Paris were considered good ideas. This would have been better if it were a movie that stood on its own so that I could have ended this article with something like, well, it’s no Carrie. Instead, it shoves that fact into your face from the very first frame.

If you’d like to suffer through this for yourself, Amazon Prime and Hulu have you covered. Man. I hope Stephen King got more than his traditional $1 advance for this.

Murdercycle (1999)

Murdercycle, you have a great poster going for you and the absolutely insipid idea that aliens would come to Earth in the form of black leather wearing motorcycle riders, just like Galactica ’80, a show that only I am cursed to remember.

That’s when the military — along with a female doctor who can read minds — decides to head off to the desert to protect valuable alien intel that the Murdercycle wants back for its home planet.

So yeah. There are some conspiracy theories, some military cosplay and some Area 51 type shenanigans. It’s a very made for video rental kind of movie, so if you miss that era, this is here to reward you. It’s a small reward though, so be warned.

Director Thomas L. Callaway was the cinematographer for Action U.S.A.Slumber Party Massacre II, both Rage of Honor movies and something called Megachurch Murder that I feel like I have to seek out.

Credit for that awesome poster art goes to Charles Band, who was planning on using it from a movie called Battle Bikers. That artwork was never used, so it went to this movie.

Your ears aren’t playing tricks on you when it comes to the character names. They’re all Marvel Comics people, including Ditko, Wood, Adams, Coletta and Sinnott amongst others.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Drive-In Friday: Slobs vs. Snobs Comedy Night

As Robert Freese pointed out in his “Exploring: 80s Comedies” featurette for B&S About Movies, the late ’70s one-two punch of National Lampoon’s Animal House (1978) and Meatballs (1979) opened up a cottage industry of comedies featuring snobs vs. slobs, lovable losers, and harmless, misguided man-children behaving badly — with Caddyshack solidifying the genre to carry us through the rest of ’80s . . . and beyond with the likes of American Pie and all of its subsequent knockoffs.

Sadly, for every Easy Money and Revenge of the Nerds . . . well, as Freese points out, there’s was a LOT more swings and misses than hits in the ’80s . . . and we’re scrapin’ the grease pits and threadin’ the reels with four of ’em.

You’ve been warned.

Movie 1: Joysticks (1983)

Oh, man. Movie tough guy Joe Don Baker as a curmudgeonly businessman who wants to shut down the local video arcade? Greydon Clark, who directed The Uninvited, Without Warning, and Wacko, and acted in Satan’s Sadists is behind the beeps n’ boops? Nicholas Josef von Sternberg, the guy who lensed Petey Wheatstraw and Mistress of the Apes, sat behind the camera?

I’m all in.

This movie was such a big deal that Midway allowed the image of Pac-Man to be used, as well as their new game Satan’s Hollow, and the as-yet-unreleased Super Pac-Man during the big showdown at the movie’s end.

What the . . . did I just program both a Greydon Clark and a Nicholas Josef von Sternberg Drive-In Friday tribute nights?

Movie 2: My Chauffeur (1986)

Sigh . . . Deborah Foreman, as Sam pointed out in his review, is our favorite 1980s comedy girl that caused our hearts to weep in the frames of Real Genius, Valley Girl, and April Fools Day. And she was always reliable and dependable on screen. How she never broke though to the A-List in major Hollywood films as the next “Meg Ryan” with her plucky Carole Lombard crossed with early Shirley MacLaine vibe is anyone’s guess.

Well, movies like this certainly didn’t help.

The “golf course” in this one is replaced by the Brentwood Limousine Service run by Howard “Dr. Johnny Fever” Hesseman and owned by E.G Marshall from Creepshow. And, of course, love blooms between Foreman’s commoner driver and E.G’s son played by Sam “Flash Gordon” Jones — on his way to the late ’80s post-apoc slop that is Driving Force and the early ’90s Basic Instinct wannabe that is Night Rhythms.

What the . . . did I just program a Sam Jones Drive-In Friday night?

Intermission! Let’s Eat! You need a Chilly Dilly!

Back to the show!

Movie 3: Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)

Not to be confused with Hot Dog: The Movie starring David Naughton (yep, the Dr. Pepper “Making It” from Meatballs American Werewolf guy). And not to be confused for being an actual movie. And no, you’re not confused: writer and director Mike Marvin — yes, the guy who concocted one of the most F’up car flicks ever, The Wraith — is behind both fast food oddities.

So, if you think that any movie that needs to suffix itself with a colon and remind you that it’s a “motion picture” and a “movie” has to be good . . . think again. But, as Sam pointed out in his more complete review: when you’re in a small town with one duplex theater and one quad drive-in back in the ol’ pre-cable TV days with no Internet streaming, you ended up seeing suffix n’ colon’d movies for lack of anything else to do during the summer.

So, if you ever wanted to see a movie where — I am safe enough in my masculinity to admit — the very hot Leigh McCloskey from Dario Argento’s Inferno can’t seem to stop being a hornburger horndog and hooking up with ALL of the girls on campus, this is your movie. And Leigh keeps getting kicked out of schools as result. And his reputation is so bad, Faber College won’t even have him. So he ends up at Buster Burger University run by Dick Butkus in the John Vernon role.

Dude, let’s get the hell out of here and head on down to the Delta House!

Movie 4: Golfballs! (1999)

We dug up this way-late-to-the-course direct-to-video oddity during our “Police Academy Week” tribute because, well, you think you’re getting a Caddyshack redux, but your really getting a Police Academy rip sans cops and lots of golfballs boobs.

No, it’s not “alright,” when you blatantly steal a whole lot from Caddyshack (right down to a camouflaged Bill Murray clone) and add lots of gratuitous boobs from the likes of Playboy and Howard Stern’s perpetual radio guest Amy Lynn Baxter and adult film star Jennifer Steele. And there’s jokes about blue (golf) balls and bent “wood,” a farting Chihuahua, cussing grannies, and more golf double entendres about “sticks” and “balls,” vaudevillian spit-takes, shower scenes, and public urination.

Maybe if they added a colon and reminded us this was a “motion picture” it would have helped? Nah.

About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.

SLASHER MONTH: Witchouse (1999)

Witchouse is the kind of movie that I’d compromise with any girl I dated in 1999. The video store was closing, she wouldn’t watch a foreign film and it seemed like something close enough to what she wanted and that I could stomach. It is a film of, there’s that word again, compromise.

It’s directed by David DeCoteau, whose movies are either somewhat inspired silliness like Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama or beefcake disguised as horror like Bigfoot vs. D.B. Cooper or holiday movies. And oh yeah — A Talking Cat!?!

May Day 1998. Elizabeth Lafay — no relation to Abigail — has brought together the descendants of those that stopped her murderous Aunt Lilith by burning her at the stake three hundred years ago for a murderous party.

One of the party-goers is Janet, who is played by Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife (and friend to Paris Hilton) Brooke Mueller.

Filmed back to back with Retro Puppet Master, this is a Full Moon kind of movie, if you know what I’m saying and I think you do. That also means that there are two more in the series, if there wasn’t enough witch or house or witchouse here for you. It’s also kind of, sort of another installment of Night of the Demons if you were hoping for a third installment, filled with stock characters including one Linnea Quigley-ish lady who carries a guitar everywhere she goes so that we know she loves to rock and roll.

You can watch this on Tubi.