Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre (2000)

Yes, before you become outraged, keep in mind that this was made 12 years before Sandy Hook and doesn’t take place in Newtown, Connecticut, but instead Sandy Hook, New Jersey, a beach town where seven strippers all decide to have a weekend party.

Tim Beckley, who directed, wrote and stars in this as Mr. Creepo — he was also that character in his films Skin Eating Jungle VampiresBarely Legal Lesbian Vampires: The Curse of Ed Wood! and Punk Rock Zombie Kung Fu Catfight — got his start in adult, appearing in movies like Brooke Does CollegeHostage Girls and Long Hard Nights. More than that, he was a film reviewer for Hustler and the editor of Adult Cinema Review, as well as the author of The Philadelphia Experiment Revelations!Cryptid Creatures From Dark Domain and a book on Danzig’s bookshelf, Occult Secrets Of The Third Reich. Actually, that didn’t come out until 2017, so maybe Glenn had a different one back when he showed off his collection. Beckley was also married to Christy Canyon, Kimberly Carson and Kelly Nichols over his lifetime.

Sadly, as wild as Beckley’s real life sounds, the movie that he made is basically home video footage of musician Didi Delicious, fetish model Stephanie Hudson, Zane Ka, Persephone, Jeannene Scofield, Margaret Scura and the whole reason you should be watching this, Debbie Rochon. From Santa Claws to Mistress FrankensteinSlime City Massacre and Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark, I’ve watched so many movies just when I see her name.

This is another one and wow, it’s a rough watch. You know when your dad learned how to use the videocamera? Imagine this but with naked Twister and endless beach scene mixed with some bad murders.

Titanic: The Legend Goes On (2000)

There are two versions of this movie for America and you know, that may be two too many. What child wants to watch more than 1,500 people lose their lives? I mean, well, me as a kid because my friend Bill and I built way too many Titanic model kits and used to also build model cities and have natural disasters destroy them and then record audio of dying people in their final moments begging to have their arms amputated. I was a weird kid and even as strange as I was, I would not have watched this movie.

The version I saw of this was 58 minutes with 12 minutes of credits showing deleted scenes instead of the 82-minute long version and I hesitate to learn what was on there.

The heroine is Angelica, the poor servant of a wicked stepmother and two stepsisters who is seeking her mother but only as a locket with a photo of her. Cinderella is on the Titanic and yes, she can speak to the many animals who are also on board. There is also singing.

There is also the ship sinking and mostly everyone dying.

I mean, this movie is at once a combination of Love Boat — many different plots come together like scheming women trying to take the money of rich men and a jewel thief being chased by a cop — and the most sub-Disney movie you’ve avoided at Goodwill because you thought that maybe it was a religious cartoon.

Yes, there’s an evil chihuahua, some dalmations straight out of 101 Dalmations, some Mexican and Yiddish mice straight out of An American Tale, geese, a bird named Hector and a dog named Fritz who has to be a time traveler because how else would be able to rap and completely take over this movie and do a song called “Party Time?” I’m perfectly fine with cartoon animals being able to walk like humans, wear clothes and have music numbers, but I draw the line at anachronism.

Yet more to the point, should children be watching cartoons where people have to choose to die over their loved ones or remain behind and die because of love? As people recorded those screams on the soundtrack as the ship sinks, did anyone in the booth say, “Why are we making this?”

Characters literally walk away from scenes right in the middle of conversations in this. It’s almost amazing the sheer lack of quality on every level and yet that makes me want to watch this all over again. Like how at one point, someone is trying to get an old lady on one of the lifeboats and says, “Come on miss, you’re the last one on this boat.” She answers, “Rubbish, we’re in the middle of the ocean.” What does that mean?

This had an American consulting writer, Jymn Magon, who also wrote A Goofy MovieThe Book of PoohAn All Dogs Chirstmas Carol and episodes of Duck TalesAdventures of the Gummi BearsChip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers and Darkwing Duck. I really want to speak to Jymn and find out how this happened.

Let me tell you how: the Italy exploitation film industry.

Camillo Teti, who directed and wrote this movie, produced The Dead Are Alive!Exterminators of the Year 3000 and the Killer Crocodile movies. He also directed the very late in the cycle giallo The Killer Is Still Among Us, which is one of the sleaziest I’ve seen so just imagine. That’s the guy making a Titanic movie for kids. He also directed Yo-rhad, un amico dallo spazio, a sciene fiction cartoon that has Ornella Muti in the voice cast.

Speaking of voices, Edmund Purdom is in this.

Of course he is.

PITTSBURGH MADE: Screwed (2000)

After Norm McDonald died, Dave Chappelle revealed that he did everything he could to get out of this movie, as it followed the death of his father. Chappelle said that Macdonald was the only person who could make him laugh at the time, which makes him one of the most important people with whom he’s ever worked with.

But here’s the thing. The police shields — which made me nervous just seeing that old logo and uniforms — are real. WPGH is today’s Fox 53. That’s really the Post-Gazette. But this was filmed in Vancouver instead of Pittsburgh, other than probably a few pickups, right? No?

I guess at least it’s set here?

Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewsk directed and wrote this and went on to much better things, including Ed Wood, The People vs. Larry Flynt, Man on the MoonAuto Focus and Dolemite Is My Name.  But yeah, it’s silly and actually pretty dumb, but seeing Norm whip around Muffin the dog as it draws blood on his finger while Chapelle screams made me laugh. I’m pretty simple minded

It’s also got Sherman Hemsley, Danny DeVito (who said he did this for the money) and Sarah Silverman in it. But come on. Make Pittsburgh movies here. Come on.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 29: Crazy Lips (2000)

29. A Horror Film Shot by Tokushö Kikumura.

Hirohisa Sasaki also directed Gore From Outer Space, but this movie, wow. A man may have killed several women and the press line up outside their family home, needing to know the truth. One of his sisters decides that she must prove her brother’s innocence, so she goes to a psychic but that’s when things get really bad, as the psychic and his assistant brutalize the family, using their own trauma to get inside and then destroy them.

This is in no way recommended for sane people or those with any level of morality. Also, you may be confused whether this is a comedy — what with all the singing and kung fu scenes, as well as the weird FBI agents — or a movie out to shock you with necrophilia, assaults and incest or just something that could only come from Japan, which is probably the best answer to “What did I just watch?”

Japan —  you embrace a bleak ending like no one else save 1970s New Hollywood directors.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 23: G-Men from Hell (2000)

23. A Horror Movie Based On an Indie Comic Book (EC Comics Adaptions Don’t Count).

Directed by Christopher Coppola and written by Robert Cooper, Richard L. Albert and Nicholas Johnson, this movie was based on Mike Allred’s Grafik Muzik. It stars William Forsythe as Dean Crept and Tate Donovan as Mike Mattress, two dead FBI agents who have no idea of morality that are working on buying their way into heaven.

Along the way, they investigate Greydon (Barry Newman) and Gloria Lake (Vanessa Angel), a married couple who both hire them to investigate one another, deal with an investigation by police officers Lt. Langdon (Gary Busey) and Detective Dalton (Zach Galligan) and steal a crystal from Satan (Robert Goulet). They may have also killed a police informant who may have killed our detectives named Buster (Bobcat Goldthwait), who is resurrected by a mad scientist (David Huddleston) and oh yeah, there’s also a superhero named Cheetah Man (Gregory Sporleder), Paul Rodriguez is a demonic gossip and Kari Wuhrer plays their secretary.

It looks really strange, like a 60s TV adventure series made in 2000 which is exactly what it is. I had no idea this movie even existed and yet here it is, packing so many actors into one weird little movie.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 23: Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows (2000)

23. PSYCHOGEOGRAPHY: In Psychotronic Challenge, the land haunts YOU! Hopefully that joke, ahem, landed okay. Folk it.

You know, I hate the first Blair Witch Project movie so I was assured that I’d despise this, a movie that utterly bombed at the box office and seemed to make no one happy. But you know, it totally worked. Sequels are hard to make. Joe Berlinger and Dick Beebe wanted to make this as a psychological thriller and meditation on mass hysteria — it’s also about how one town can become a place that it only was on film — and create a movie that was the direct opposite of the first film.

Book of Shadows is closer to the Hollywood movies that the original went so hard away from. Berlinger originally made the film with an ambiguous tone that didn’t give away exactly what happened when the characters stayed overnight in the Black Hills. Artisan wanted a more commerical film, so they had him recut and reshoot this to make it more commercial. That footage was shot weeks from the release in a time when movies had to have prints made, not like how they could just upload the movie to theaters.

The interrogation that is spread throughout the movie was originally an eight-minute end of the story, but the studio also asked them to be spliced through the story. The filmmakers wanted a story that went from a lighthearted romp to suddenly getting violent and dark. They also added in Marilyn Manson’s “Disposable Teens,” which replaced Frank Sinatra’s “Witchcraft.”

Actually, I said this was a bomb earlier and it made $47 million on a $15 million budget. For any other movie, that’d be a success. But it didn’t equal what the first movie did. Honestly, that was impossible.

Tourists are filling up the small town of Burkittsville, Maryland, hoping to be part of the same occult scares that they saw in The Blair Witch Project. Jeff (Jeffrey Donovan) is obsessed with the movie and takes a group on a tour. They include Stephen (Stephen Barker Turner) and his pregnant girlfriend Tristen (Tristine Skyler), Wiccan Erica (Erica Leerhsen) and goth Kim (Kim Director). They camp in a cabin in the woods and hope to see something. Jeff already notices a tree in the middle of the house that was never there in his memory.

After doing drugs, everyone wakes up to Tristen losing her baby. It gets worse — they’ve all been marked for death, their research destroyed and the world itself turning on them. When they play the. tapes they find under the house backward, they see themselves taking part in a demonic ritual orgy and murdering other tourists. The video footage the police show them is even more damning, putting the statement that Jeff makes earlier, “Film lies but video always tells the truth” to the worst test.

Berlinger has mostly made true crime movies in his career, like the Paradise Lost Trilogy, in which he told the story of others who had been blamed for their occult murders, the West Memphis Three. He tried to make a horror movie while also creating a film that took audiences to task for believing everything shot on video to be true. People just wanted more of the same.

I know it’s pretty on the nose, but I love that this ended with Poe’s “Haunted.”

FANTASTIC FEST 2022: JSA: Joint Security Area (2000)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was originally on the site on January 20, 2021. It’s back as it played during Fantastic Fest.

In 2009, director Quentin Tarantino placed JSA amongst his top twenty films since 1992. Directed by Park Chan-wook, who also made Oldboy, this film tells the tale of a fatal shooting within the DMZ that exists between the borders of North and South Korea.

At one point the highest-grossing film in Korean history, JSA is the story of the fragile friendship that starts between four soldiers who are on opposite sides. Yet why did two of the North’s soldiers get killed and why are the stories so inconsistent? That’s what a neutral Swiss team of investigators wants to figure out.

Sergeant Lee Soo-hyeok (Lee Byung-hun, Storm Shadow in the G.I. Joe movies) is a South Korean soldier who has run back to his own country, rescued by his own troops and potentially guilty of shooting three North Korean soldiers, leaving two dead. He claims that he was kidnapped.

One of the dead, Jeong Woo-jin (Shin Ha-kyun, Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance) was shot eight times, which doesn’t seem like self-defense. And one of the other South Korean troops, Jeong Woo-jin (Shin Ha-kyun), suddenly tries to commit suicide.

The truth is that for some time, the men had all been friends. In fact, the surviving soldiers and Woo-jin were attempting to protect one another, something that had been happening since Kyeong-pil and Woo-jin saved Soo-hyeok from one of their land mines.

Yet can even the truth — once discovered — save anyone? This is a tense exploration of the divide that exists between people who are not all that different.

This is a tense watch and one that will anger you by the close. I have no idea how to save the world. All I know is to watch movies.

The Arrow Video release of this film is available from MVD. You can also watch it on Tubi.

MILL CREEK DVD RELEASE: Through the Decades: 2000s Collection: Nurse Betty (2000)

Waitress Betty Sizemore (Renée Zellweger) escapes the sadness of her life and bad marriage to car salesman Dale (Aaron Eckhart) by watching the show A Reason to Love. Things are worse than she thinks, as Dale is sleeping around and also selling drugs, which brings hitmen Charlie (Morgan Freeman) and Wesley (Chris Rock) into their lives. Betty watches as they scalp her hubby for the drugs he’s stolen — they are in her car — and the trauma causes her to become a character on the show she loves so much — at least inside her PTSD mind.

Betty goes on a journey to Los Angeles where her knowledge from the show allows her to work in a hospital and meet the love of her character’s life, Dr. David Ravell, who is really actor George McCord, who is really played by Greg Kinnear.

At the same time, Charlie and Wesley are still coming for her and the money that was taken from them. Can Betty’s inherent goodness win out against a brutal world?

Director Neil LaBute also made the remake of The Wicker Man and it’s strange to imagine that that movie came from the same person who made this.

The Mill Creek Through the Decades: 2000s Collection has some great movies for a great price like One Night at McCool’sSpy Game, The Emperor’s Club, The Shape of Things, 21 Grams, Baby Mama, State of PlayThe Hitcher and Cry Wolf.You can order it from Deep Discount.

KINO LORBER RAY RELEASE: The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave (2000)

Debuting on The John Byner Comedy Hour, Super Dave Osbourne was really Bob Einstein, the brother of Albert Brooks. At one point — thankfully, right? — he got to spin the character into his own movie, which he wrote with Lorne Cameron, David Hoselton and Don Lake. It was directed by Peter MacDonald, who does a lot of second unit directing, but whose actual directing career is truly all over the place, with movies as different as Rambo IIILegionnaireMo’ MoneyThe NeverEnding Story III: Return to Fantasia and reshoots on Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.

Super Dave survives a near-fatal accident — that’s every time he performs — and learns that he’s broke. His boss has embezzled from him and he loses his home, causing him to retire and settle down with Sandy (Gia Carides) and her son Timmy (Carl Michael Lindner). He needs heart surgery, so Super Dave comes out of retirement to try to outstunt his enemy, Gil Ruston (Dan Hedaya). There’s also Super Dave Jr. (Steve Van Wormer), a young stuntman who also turns on our hero. Luckily, Super Dave has assistant stunt coordinator Fuji Hakayito (Art Irizawa), and sportscaster Mike Walde on his side.

This movie sat on the shelf for two years before going straight to video. I think that if you love Super Dave, well, this is for you. It’s for me. And if you don’t know who he is, well…either this is a good opportunity to learn.

I read a review of this that said that this movie was made for one person and wondered why it was made. Well, as that one person, I’m glad to say it’s in my collection.

The Kino Lorber blu ray release has new commentary by MacDonald, moderated by historian and filmmaker Daniel Kremer, plus a trailer. You can get it from Kino Lorber.

Crocodile (2000)

Brady (Mark McLachlan), Claire (Caitlin Martin), Duncan (Chris Solari), Kit (D. W. Reiser), Annabelle (Julie Mintz) and her dog Princess, Sunny (Summer Knight), Foster (Rhett Jordan) and Hubs (Greg Wayne) are on spring break in a nice big rich kid boat and as they have a bonfire, Kit tells about a hotel owner named Harlan who had a crocodile named Flat Dog at his hotel. One wonders if it was the Starlite Motel and if it was a better Tobe Hooper crocodile movie.

Harlan thought that Flat Dog was the avatar of the ancient Egyptian crocodile god Sobek, so he set up a cult that worshipped his crocodile and then the town set his hotel on fire and chased him out, but just as this story finishes, Flat Dog appears and kills two fishermen.

Hooper said of this movie, “It’s the 25th anniversary of the first Chain Saw, and I really wanted to create an atmosphere that will wind you up like that.” This quote makes me really depressed.

This was made when CGI was new and everyone was convinced it was great and now everything looks like a rack toy of an alligator being given stop motion life except that would be awesome. Sadly, there’s a sequel. Double sadness: I will watch it.

You can watch this on Tubi.