Lycan Colony (2006)

Director and writer Rob Roy has had a strong connection to wolves his entire life. It started after he first saw Balto, which inspired him to create his own wolf film. The film you’re about to reach about. The film during which he attempted to contact Balto star Kevin Bacon for a cameo before being somewhat ironically chased off the actor’s property by dogs.

He told the Nashua Telegraph, “Let me say first of all that I am an animal lover. No werewolves were hurt during the making of Lycan ColonyI’ve always loved werewolf movies, but I’m tired of seeing the same storyline over and over again. The werewolf is always a sick tormented beast. He’s always the bad guy. In Lycan Colony, we filled a whole town with them. Some are good, some are bad. None of them are these simple monsters that show up for five minutes at the end of the movie. They’re the life and blood of a modern town, and much closer to us than we’re used to seeing in these movies.”

Roy is self-taught and learned every aspect of filmmaking – from make-up effects to building his own camera dollies, animatronic heads and blood sprayers as well as building his own blue-screen shooting area in his garage – while making this movie. 

Dr. Daniel Solomon (Bill Sykes), a disgraced alcoholic surgeon, and his family move to a small town in the wake of one of his surgeries under the influence costing a patient their life. He has an AA sponsor so bad that he takes him to a bar afterward, a bar where he meets a brother and sister who are ex-military and looking for their adventurer father. Seconds after they explain the inscription on their father’s watch, the bartender ends up dropping it on their table, which is like Chekov’s gun going off before you even see it. This leads to a werewolf attack within the bar, the military brother getting killed and Daniel falling through what can only be a warp zone to escape.

Meanwhile, Daniel’s son Stewart (Ryan O Roy) has fallen for Sarah (Libby Collins), who comes ot his room late at night and brings him to a graveyard where she bites his chest and makes him one of the cursed under the full moon.

Who can save the day? Maybe it’s Athena, the witch played by Kristi Lynn, who loaned all of her exotic animals to this movie which still doesn’t explain why a spider monkey randomly shows up at the end. She licks everything with sight and then explains the history of werewolves in animation that I am not even remotely sure can be referred to as animation. Speaking of animation, the military guy has a neck tattoo that was added in post and it flickers. It’s the most disconcerting take-you-out-of-the-movie thing I’ve ever seen and yes, it is awesome.

Made in Hudson, Bedford, Goffstown, Merrimack and Manchester, New Hampshire — which is why this had the tagline “Welcome to New Hampshire…Live free or die!” — you’ll perhaps struggle with some of the accents. These towns are the homes of stars like Seth Meyers, Sarah Silverman, Jane Balder from V, Grace Metalious who wrote Peyton Place and Adam Sandler. Perhaps most relevant to this film are the facts that GG Allin was born there as well as The Howling star Christopher Stone.

Keeping it local, the movie premiere at Chunky’s Cinema Pub in Pelham on Sunday, Oct. 23, 2005 with a concert/film screening/Halloween costume contest extravaganza. At Chunky’s you can order a Caesar Romero Salad, Wizard of Ozzarella Sticks, Reservoir Dogs (yes hot dogs), the Parmageddon Chicken Sandwich, a Kevin Bacon Burger, a Carrie Cosmo, the Catalina Wine Mixer Sangria, Jurassic Pork Tacos, Rum Forrest Rum or a Jabba the Hot Fudge Sundae.

If you ask Rob Roy, he says that this movie is about “The sensual underbelly of animalistic human beings and what happens when we surrender to that.” He’s expanded the universe of the film in Rage of the Theriomorphs, a book in which Dr. Dan, Dave, Russ, Stew, and Sarah are back and getting accustomed to their new lives and new rules. A new mysterious death has caused an uproar and a new threat to the entire town has arrived. This needs to be a movie, right?

Lycan Colony is the kind of movie that shuts off my brain and lets someone else drive. I never really recovered.

Ghost of the Pirate Queen (2006)

The Full Moon cut down version of Bikini Pirates, this Fred Olen Ray movie has Evan Stone in its cast and I think he just took his outfit from the adult movie Pirates and no one said anything.

 

Jill (Nicole Sheridan) and Dustin (Voodoo) have found a doubloon necklace and the diary of the pirate queen Morganna (Rebecca Love), so they get their friends Susan (Beverly Lynn) and Joe (Randy Spears!) to undergo a seance and that brings both Morganna and Captain Tygus (Stone) back to the land of the living and everyone races to find the treasure.

Also known as Harlots of the Caribbean, this movie has both a cabin in the woods and Morganna’s book looks like the Necronomicon. Except instead of blood coating the walls, people have sex in the shower.

I feel like my time on Earth is short and yet here I am, watching a softcore movie about pirate ghosts.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Fight Club – Members Only (2006)

You know how some people based their entire personality on Fight Club and it was incredibly annoying and you knew they were eventually going to start getting banking jobs like their rich parents and turn into the bosses they supposedly were against and all of their practiced cynicism and white knighting betrayed the fact that they had no identity beyond a film that really was a pose?

Don’t turn your back on those people.

But also, this is about Fight Club – Members Only, a Bollywood movie that takes the title and logo from that movie and well, that’s about it. These dudes named Vicky, Karan, Somil and Diku have started a Fight Club but it’s just for fun, you see, and when people make it not fun — and gangsters get involved — then they need to make it fun all over again.

There is no soap made from human fat nor any Meatloaf appearances or songs.

You can watch this on Tubi.

APRIL MOVIE THON DAY 16: Chai Lai’s Angels (2006)

Also known as Chai Lai and Dangerous Flowers, this Thai action film reimagines Charlie’s Angels as a Thai-centric adventure made for 35 million baht instead of the $92 million dollar budget for the Hollywood film.

The five Dangerous Flowers are Kulap(Rose) played by Bongkoj Khongmalai, Bua (Lotus) who is Supaksorn Chaimongkol, Chaba (Hibiscus) acted by Jintara Poonlarp, Pouy-sian (Crown of Thorns) who is Kessarin Ektawatkul and Na-wua (Spadix) played by Bunyawan Pongsuwan. Their job is to protect Miki, the daughter of a professor who knows the location of a hidden treasure known as the Andaman Pearl.

The best joke here is that chai-lai is thai for gorgeous, which makes this a perfect title. There’s literally non-stop action and a surprising amount of blood, as well as scenes that come directly out of the American version, as well as the idea that men always screw over the Angels.

There’s also a bad guy named Dragon, Miki’s evil stepmother Mei Ling and a cross-eyed transgender villain named King Kong who gets shot more times than I can count. Also, seeing as how the women in this wear swimsuits and lingerie for their missions, it’s not always correct, but it is fun. They’re definitely more capable than any of the man they come up against, which is good to see.

APRIL MOVIE THON DAY 4: Fool N Final (2006)

The tagline of this movie, “Stealing stones and breaking bones,” should tell you all you need to know, as this is the Indian Hindi-language remake of Snatch and yes, such a thing is possible.

Director Firoz Nadiadwala some very loose remakes of other movies like Phir Hera Pheri being based on another Guy Ritchie movie Lock Stock and Two Smoking BarrelsWelcome Loosely inspired by Mickey Blue Eyes, Awara Paagal Deewana ripping off The Whole Nine Yards and Deewane Huge Paagal remixing There’s Something About Mary.

Career criminal Raja (Shahid Kapoor), his lover Tina (Ayesha Takia) and her uncle Choubey (Paresh Rawal) are jewel thieves when Raja isn’t also living the life of Rahul, who had been killed in an accident. However, a gangster named Moscow Chikna (Arbaaz Khan) wants to chop off Choubey’s arms. So they abduct Rocky (Chunkey Pandey), who has stolen an even bigger diamond, only to earn the wrath of his uncle Choski (Gulshan Grover), who hires Gunmaster G9 (Jackie Shroff) to cut their throats if they don’t give him back his nephew.

At some point, everyone dresses like Superman, Spider-Man, Batman and Wonder Woman, which is where the poster comes from, and then Mike Tyson shows up in the credits like this is one of the Hangover movies. Huh?

This did horribly with critics and audiences. That said, it’s worth a curiosity look on Tubi.

GREGORY DARK WEEK: See No Evil (2006)

When Dan Madigan was a writer for WWE, he pitched a character that would have Jon Heidenreich become a thawed Nazi named Baron Von Bava, revived by the Jewish Paul Heyman, whose mother survived the Holocaust, complete with goosestepping and armband like a 1950s heel.

Somehow, he didn’t make it in wrestling. He did, however, write this movie.

Originally called Eye Scream Man, The Goodnight Man and Goodnight, this stars WWE wrestler — and current mayor of Knox City, TN — Kane as Jacob Goodnight. It also made $45 million on an $8 million dollar budget.

Years ago, Officer Frank Williams barely survived facing off with a killing machine in an abandoned house, losing his arm while his partner is killed and seven victims lose their eyes to a killer that somehow survived being shot in the head.

Now, he’s a social worker that’s part of the team that’s helping twentysomething teenagers work off their community service by cleaning up the abandoned Blackwell Hotel so that it can become a homeless shelter.

It’s all a trap as Jacob Goodnight is there to destroy anyone that intrudes on his turf, usually by using hooks and taking their eyeballs, unless they have religious tattoos. It’s a dark and dirty-looking 2000s slasher, but Dark’s talent as a director makes it better than it should be, which is the story of every movie he made.

Producer Vince McMahon supposedly had one suggestion: give Kane a three-foot cock.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006)

A prequel to 2003’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this movie reminds me that when a franchise has run out of ideas, they always go backward. Back to the well or, in this instance, back in time for a prequel.

Back in 1939, a woman gave birth in a slaughterhouse and dies, at which point the manager throws her infant into a dumpster where its rescured by Luda Mae Hewitt, who raises the baby as her son Thomas.

Fast forward to 1969 and Thomas works in the same slaughterhouse for the same manager and when the plant gets shut down by the health department, he refuses to leave. So when the manager pushes him, he gets killed by a chainsaw and his adopted brother Charlie  (R. Lee Ermey) kills the arresting officer that comes to their home — Sheriff Hoyt — and takes on his identity.

Thomas eventually becomes Leatherface — are you surprised? — but not before wiping out an entirely different set of teens years before the original movie, including Jordana Brewster from The Fast and the Furious series.

This comes from the days when Platinum Dunes were the Blumhouse of the 2000s, reinventing horror film series like The Amityville HorrorThe Hitcher, Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street to varying degrees of box office success. Director Jonathan Liebesman also was behind their reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

At this point, even a fan of the character like me — I dressed as Leatherface for more Halloweens than I can count on a severed hand — checked out.

Creepshow 3 (2006)

You know, I really try to be fair with sequels, but I can tell you that there’s no reason this movie should exist. Sure, Creepshow is too long, Stephen King is horrible in his segment and you could really not have so much in it, but it’s a blast and probably the last halfway decent thing George Romero would ever make. Creepshow 2 has snuck on me. If you asked me when I was younger, “Is it as good,” I’d qualify it by saying that it’s just missing something. Well, young me is a moron because those are three hard-hitting stories in there and the older I get, the more I sympathize with George Kennedy just trying to keep Old Chief Woodenhead painted.

But man. Creepshow 3 is the worst.

Directed by Ana Clavell and James Dudelson, who also made Day of the Dead 2: Contagium, this movie moves away from the EC Comics narrative element and is instead about a hot dog stand.

You read that right.

Man, it’s 3:13 AM and I should just go to bed, but let’s dish on this abysmal piece of fecund moviemaking.

The first story is about a girl named “Alice” and her family, who have found a remote control. If you think things like a remote turning a white family African-American is edgy, well, good for you. And at the end, a mad scientist turns her into a rabbit, which is the kind of ending kids in third grade do and their teachers give them a D.

“The Radio” has a radio that tells people what to do. “Call Girl” is about a vampire. “The Professor’s Wife” has a professor’s friends sure that his new wife is a robot until they tear her apart and he has to do voodoo to put her back together. And “Haunted Dog” literally lifts the last story from Creepshow 2 and had it be about hot dogs.

Did Clavell and Dudelson have a hot dog fetish?

Positive points: The Creep does show up at the end. And hey — America’s Sweetheart Bunny Gibson from American Bandstand plays a grandmother.

Otherwise, this movie made me question my life choices. I mean, how did I watch every Bruno Mattei and Joe D’Amato movie and not feel this way? That’s how bad this movie is.

The Eden Formula (2006)

Oh no, this is really Carnosaur 6.

Dr. Harrison Parker (Jeff Fahey) has created the Eden Formula, which can reproduce organisms and cure diseases. Instead of helping people, the other scientists in his company have decided to reanimate a dinosaur to impress stockholders, which really proves that this movie is realistic because I can totally see that happening. And then industrial espionage happens with James Radcliffe (Tony Todd) breaking in and setting a T. Rex — this movie was also called Tyrannosaurus Wrecks — loose in Los Angeles where it goes after Rhonda Shapton (Dee Wallace).

So yeah. A star-studded cast, the effects guy who worked on the first movies — John Carl Buechler — writing and directing, all with the same rubbery effects you made fun of in the last five Carnosaur movies. They haven’t gotten any better. In fact, they may have gotten worse.

You know, we should take out a fund and just pay Tony Todd for his service in these movies. He deserves so much better than to be dressed as fake Morpheus and battling off-screen lizards from a movie made thirteen years ago.

Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction (2006)

You may notice that so many of the sequels we’ve covered this week are past their expiration date. By that, I mean the time to make a sequel to Basic Instinct was a few years after that one came out in 1992, not in 2006.

You may also remember that so many of these movies are troubled production. Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction is no different. MGM had planned this movie to come out in 2002 — still late, but somewhat better — but then decided they had no interest in making the movie. That’s when lead actress Sharon Stone filed a lawsuit claiming she was guaranteed at least $14 million for her commitment to the sequel, even if the movie never got made and as much as 15% of gross receipts if the film were released.

By 2004, the lawsuit was settled and director Michael Caton-Jones (Doc HollywoodThe JackalMemphis Belle) got the job. He was broke and needed to make a movie, but called making this movie a “poisoned chalice” and said that “It was horrible. And I knew before I started that it wasn’t going to be a particularly good film. Which is a very, very painful thing.”

The movie starts in London with novelist and possible serial killer Catherine Tramell (Stone) using a passed out soccer player’s hand to get herself off while speeding through the streets, finally crashing into the Thames river. It was at this point that I began laughing uncontrollably as the athlete gazes upon Tramell like she’s some kind of vision and then drowns while she swims away.

It turns out that the soccer star was all pilled up and couldn’t even move, but Scotland Yard is unable to make any charges stick. But she has to report to court ordered sessions with Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey), who she of courses beds and starts writing about for her new novel, a story in which real people all around them are being killed in both prose and real-life ways.

Unlike the original movie, which seems to only hint at the fact that Tramell is a killer or can manipulate any man or woman into doing what she wants, in this one it’s beyond obvious and there’s even a square up reel at the end showing all the murders and how she talked Glass into it.

I kind of love the reasons why no man was good enough for this movie. Michael Douglas? Too old. Robert Downey Jr.? Possession charges. Kurt Russell? Didn’t want to strip down. Pierce Brosnan? Didn’t like the sleaze. Bruce Greenwood? Potential actor strike. Rupert Everett? Calling a pervert who American audiences wouldn’t accept by the MGM CEO. And Benjamin Bratt? Sharon Stone didn’t think he was a good actor. Let that one set in.

Remember when Nigel Tufnel confusingly asked, “What’s wrong with being sexy?” I kept hearing that same question throughout this movie but it’s just a cavalcade of shocking scenes that by 2006 were no longer shocking. This is the kind of movie that demanded to be made by someone demented, someone willing to tell Sharon Stone that she’d have to dress like a cat and urinate in a litter box on camera or fart into jars and sell them to people if she wanted to shock someone. Instead, her scene of knowingly looking into another man’s eyes while engaging in an orgy is positively quaint. It’s like finding out your mom’s best friend is on Fetlife. You’re not all that surprised and you really don’t want to know the details or see any pictures, but you can be happy for her and wish her well.

Speaking of that, Stone wanted to make a third one and even offered to direct. Please make this happen.