Belcebú, soy tu puta del infierno (2005)

Satan is a lustful lesbian rock chick out to seduce satanic rock star Belcebu — who asks his fans to kill themselves for him — with the promise of eternal life.

Sounds good? Well, Troma distributed this and I was ready to just shut the whole thing off, but as you may notice in other reviews, the last five minutes deliver the kind of Satanic orgy that you don’t often see outside of a Tim Vigil comic book.

IMDB lists this as a TV movie, but I have no idea how this played on TV with that ending that’s filled with crucifixions, blood, demon bats, a monstrous beast having doggy style sex while blazing with the hand cannons, an impalement and things blowing up real good.

There’s a lot to get through to get there, like I said, like the hard scrabble tale of Belcebu’s sex worker ex. Look, if you’re going to call your movie I’m Your Whore from Hell just get to that big blowoff quickly.

Urban Evil (2005)

Yes, it’s another Full Moon remix — did they invent the remix or did Bad Boy? — in which several of their African-American themed movies all come together, get cut down to one-third of their length and don’t even get a wraparound or narrator to make sense of them all.

“Demonic Tunes” is The Horrible Dr. Bones, a movie in which the Urban Protectors discover that their music is being used to command an army of zombies by the titular Dr. Bones (Darrow Igus, The Fog). This was directed by Ted Nicolaou, who I would put on the good side of the Full Moon balance sheet thanks to movies like TerrorVisionSubspecies and Bad Channels.

“The Killing Kind” is better known as the 1999 Nicolaou film Ragdoll, which was also edited into another Full Moon remix movie called Devil Dolls, which has Doll Graveyard and Demonic Toys as the other segments. Man, a lot of companies have been talking about how they’re into being green and all about recycling, but Full Moon is actually doing it. Actually, this movie comes from their Alchemy Entertainment/Big City Pictures sub-line, because if Full Moon is about something instead of redoing things, they’re about sub-lines. Another of those would be Big City Records, a music label owned by Full Moon, which released the soundtrack, Ragdoll: Music Inspired By The Motion Picture. Diversification, people!

Finally, “Hidden Evil” is another Big City Pictures release, The Vault. Students and a teacher visit an abandoned school that was once a slave house and things go badly, as you can imagine when the supernatural gets involved. Director James Black has 144 acting roles on IMDB, but only made this one film. This one was developed for Band’s Empire Pictures as far back as 1989.

The second story is pretty decent and I think I may actually go back and watch Ragdoll to see how good it is at its full length. As for the rest, I feel like seeing a limited version may have been best for my sanity.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Possessed (2005)

Here’s the sales copy for this:

“Renowned producer and film executive Charlie Band has produced a welter of movies over the years for many different companies; Empire Pictures and Full Moon are just a couple of the production companies that have been led by the irrepressible Band. Now he is back with the Forbidden Worlds imprint, offering fare such as Possessed, which centers around some ghoulish themes that should be familiar to all Bandophiles.”

Here’s the truth: these are re-released films that you may have already bought or watched.

“The Devil’s Spell” is really 1999’s Witchouse, brought back and re-edited down to just thirty minutes. David DeCoteau directed this tale where a witch brings back the modern versions of those who wronged her to get some payback. Look, any time you go to a party and someone pulls back a carpet to reveal a pentagram, something not good is about to happen.

“Witches’ Dolls” is 2001’s Stitches, a Neal Marshall Stevens film that was the original script for Witchouse that was changed up after the producers decided that they wanted a movie closer to Night of the Demons. It does have one very upsetting scene where the villain asks a man to unstitch the skin on her back to reveal her demonic look.

“Resurrection of the Damned” is 1992’s Netherworld, a movie directed by David Schmoeller. He was also the man who made Tourist Trap and Puppet Master, Schmoeller has an interesting background, as he studied theater with Alejandro Jodorowsky and was mentored in film by legendary director Luis Buñuel. This is the story of a young man whose discovers that inside his father’s mansion in Louisiana a secretive cult is using winged creatures to raise the dead. Making this even better is that Anjanette Comer (The Baby) shows up.

You may have seen all of these before. If not, head to Tubi to check out this anthology mixtape of past fims from band’s many studios.

BRUNO MATTEI WEEK: Belle da Morire 2 (2005)

Pierre Le Blanc — also known as Bruno Mattei — is back with another journey into the world of modeling. Much like Sparkles once said, “Well I guess I just my first taste of the filthy side of this business.”

Also, only Bruno Mattei could get away with taking a big chunk of his movie Body and Soul, then adding new character names and redubbing the dialogue, then remixing it all as a brand new movie, much less a sequel to another of his films! Or maybe I’ve watched forty of Bruno’s movies in one week and they’re all starting to congeal together.

There are also scenes taken directly from Belle Da Morire and Snuff Trap, so at least this time, it’s only Perre Le Blanc stealing from Vincent Dawn. Which is, as you may have figured out by now, Bruno taking from Bruno to get me to watch another of his movies.

The really amazing thing is that Bruno was still making softcore movies in 2005, long after people had started renting actual pornography, much less being able to download it. You have to give the old master credit for that. Somewhere out there — well, there’s me at least — there are people who prefer the gymnastic and unrealistic wriggling that passes for aardvarking in the mondo de Mattei.

Funky Forest: The First Contact (2005)

Three brothers, Masaichi, Masaru and Masao*, struggle to be popular and get girlfriends. That’s the basic thread of this movie, which has 21 segments that may or may not make any sense to the overall narrative. Sometimes, the movie is content to be a science-fiction comedy and others, it just turns into dance battles and a tribute to Cronenberg’s eXistenZ where a girl plugs a wire for her stomach to a TV, at which point an open anus appears and another character shoves his fist into it, pulling out a miniature sushi chef.

The best way I can explain this movie is through some of the narration, which sounds like it came straight out of Prince of Darkness: “Only appearing in your dream. Distorting every sound to create a world like to other. This is what they live for; jumping from one person’s dream to another. Once you have been chosen, you will lose all control of your dreams.”

Co-written and co-directed by Katsuhito Ishii (The Taste of Tea, the animated parts of Kill Bill, Redline), Hajime Ishimine and Shunichiro Miki, I would describe this movie as watching five TV shows all constantly shifting channels while multiple people scream in your face. So yeah, I loved it.

*One brother is Guitar Brother, the other is constantly aroused and the third is a chubby American child. No, none of this is ever explained.

You can watch this on YouTube.

REPOST: Shadows in the Dark: The Val Lewton Legacy (2005)

EDITOR’S NOTE: This originally ran on March 12, 2021 on our site, but with Val Lewton’s birthday being today, we’ve re-running it.

Part of The Val Lewton Horror Collection, this documentary explains the magic of Val Lewton. Directed by Constantine Nasr (who has created many featurettes for DVDs), it unites William Friedkin, Joe Dante, John Landis, Mick Garris, Guillermo del Toro, Kim Newman, George Romero and many more to help tell the story.

Lewton was only alive for 47 years, but in that time — working late into the night — he created a shadow world of noir and suggestion that was the funhouse mirror of the Universal big monster shows. Lewton always wrote the final draft of the screenplays. Movies like Cat People, I Walked With A ZombieThe Body SnatcherThe Seventh VictimIsle of the DeadThe Curse of the Cat People and Bedlam are part of the language that we use to bring horror to film.

Lewton’s films may have been horror movies that only cost $150,000, but unlike many in Hollywood, he was giving artistic freedom within those confines. Before even starting to work at RKO, he said, “They may think I’m going to do the usual chiller stuff which’ll make a quick profit, be laughed at, and be forgotten, but I’m going to fool them…I’m going to do the kind of suspense movie I like.”

Unlike those aforementioned films, Lewton understood that true terror remained in the shadows and never showed its face. “If you make the screen dark enough,” he said, “the mind’s eye will read into it anything you want.”

Who else could have produced a film that featured the line “We’ve found that there is no Heaven on Earth, so we must worship evil for evil’s own sake.”?*

You’ll learn just enough about Lewton by watching this. You’ll get so much more actually watching his movies.

*The Seventh Victim, an astoundingly dark film.

Lee Majors Week: Hell to Pay (2005)

This movie promises ten legendary Western stars.

Those stars would be Buck Taylor (Newly on Gunsmoke), James Drury (The Virginian), Denny Miller (Duke Shannon from Wagon Train), Andrew Prine (who was on numerous cowboy shows but was also Simon King of the Witches), William Smith (who as we all know makes any movie better; he was also Joe Riley on Laredo), Bo Svenson, Peter Brown (Chad Cooper on Laredo), Tom Thomerson (who was Theodore Ogilvie on Gun Shy, the TV spinoff of The Apple Dumpling Gang) and our featured actor this week, Lee Majors (Heath from The Big Valley). And look out! It’s Stella Stevens!

Wait a second. That’s nine cowboys (and Stella). I guess maybe competitive shooter Gene Pearcey is another one? Or Rico Nance, who was an extra on Deadwood after this? Maybe Griff Furst, who was in the remake of The Magnificent Seven?

Any way you look at it, this is the cowboy version of the streaming slashers that come my way every day. It’s legitimately one of the worst-sounding movies I’ve ever heard and you know a movie is bad when it has William Smith, Lee Majors and Tim Thomerson in it and I still can’t stand it.

An utter failure on every level.

Director Chris McIntyre made a movie called Gang Warz with Chino XL and Coolio, as well as Captured Alive with Pat Morita, Backstreet Justice with Viveca Lindfors, Paul Sorvino and Hector Elizondo, plus Hammerlock, another Pat Morita project.

I shall watch none of these.

You can watch this on Tubi.

KAUJI DAY MARATHON: Kong: King of Atlantis (2005)

This film reunites the cast from Kong: The Animated Series and even had a Game Boy Advance video game made from it. It’s all about Queen Reptilla raising the kingdom of Atlantis back from the ocean floor and her trying to convince King Kong into becoming its ruler.

There’s a really great scene in the beginning as the shaman Lua has a nightmare about Kong climbing the Empire State Building and New York City flooding around him. Just as suddenly, black tar begins appearing all over Kong Island, taking many of the animals away with it.

Jason, the adopted human brother of Kong, and Lua argue between saving Kong Island and rescuing its animals. She refuses to tell him that a dark prophecy is here, which begins with an eclipse and will end with Kong bringing back the lizard race that once ruled the planet. Oh yeah — the original Kong, who this one is cloned from, is the one who sunk Atlantis in the first place.

This is a surprisingly dark entry in the Kong cartoon series, with the titular ape worrying about proving himself, dark elder gods returning to Earth and baby cubs watching their mothers be pulled into tar pits. I enjoyed it, but you may want to discuss it with your kids after they enjoy it. Or you know, just let them watch Jess Franco movies and let them become maniacs.

You can watch this on the official Kong: The Animated Series YouTube page or on Tubi.

Shadows in the Dark: The Val Lewton Legacy (2005)

Part of The Val Lewton Horror Collection, this documentary explains the magic of Val Lewton. Directed by Constantine Nasr (who has created many featurettes for DVDs), it unites William Friedkin, Joe Dante, John Landis, Mick Garris, Guillermo del Toro, Kim Newman, George Romero and many more to help tell the story.

Lewton was only alive for 47 years, but in that time — working late into the night — he created a shadow world of noir and suggestion that was the funhouse mirror of the Universal big monster shows. Lewton always wrote the final draft of the screenplays. Movies like Cat People, I Walked With A ZombieThe Body SnatcherThe Seventh VictimIsle of the DeadThe Curse of the Cat People and Bedlam are part of the language that we use to bring horror to film.

Lewton’s films may have been horror movies that only cost $150,000, but unlike many in Hollywood, he was giving artistic freedom within those confines. Before even starting to work at RKO, he said, “They may think I’m going to do the usual chiller stuff which’ll make a quick profit, be laughed at, and be forgotten, but I’m going to fool them…I’m going to do the kind of suspense movie I like.”

Unlike those aforementioned films, Lewton understood that true terror remained in the shadows and never showed its face. “If you make the screen dark enough,” he said, “the mind’s eye will read into it anything you want.”

Who else could have produced a film that featured the line “We’ve found that there is no Heaven on Earth, so we must worship evil for evil’s own sake.”?*

You’ll learn just enough about Lewton by watching this. You’ll get so much more actually watching his movies.

*The Seventh Victim, an astoundingly dark film.

Tomie: Revenge (2005)

Another Ataru Okiawa directed entry in the Tomie film series, this one is all about a young female doctor who hits a naked woman with her car one night. As she searches for the women through the woods, she finds an abandoned house filled with bodies and one unconscious girl. And oh yeah — the one she hit with her car just happened to have a mole under her eye.

This episode is based on Junji Ito’s manga Tomie Chapter 5:Revenge. In that story, a crew of hikers are looking for a missing man on a frozen mountain and, as often happens around frozen mountains, cannibalism ensues.

The same thing goes on here, except Tomie lives in a cabin with all her male servants, who she occasionally eats when she isn’t screaming stuff that sounds a lot like The Scum Manifesto.

I would advise not watching every Tomie movie in one week, but if you haven’t learned how strong my film-watching endurance is, you don’t know me.