Joseph M. Sonneborn Jr. has exactly one credit as a director and producer. It’s this movie. One wonders if he had been kept from ever coming near a camera again after this, as this is the kind of movie that will test your resolve and perhaps, even make you question your existence.

It was written by Dorothy Brown Green, who unconfirmed sources claim is also the narrator of the most insidious Christmas movie of all time, Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

While this movie is 52 minutes long, only 15 minutes of it take place in Balloonland, where we meet young Sonny. He’s ended up there after his mother read him a bedtime story and he fell asleep. Now, he’s inside a world filled with giant balloon people and animals.

Then, we watch a Thanksgiving parade somewhere in Pennsylvania that seems to go on forever.

If you ever wanted to watch a befuddled child wander through the warehouse of what one only imagines is a parade float company. From trying to get a prince and princess balloon to kiss to meeting the king of the sea to getting to be the sheriff of Ballonland, that’s the extent of the storyline. Once Sonny fires his gun, we leave. Perhaps this is a statement on the way guns allowed the west to be tamed. It could be an indictment on the Second Amendment. Or probably just sloppy filmmaking.

Whoever is doing the talking — most think it’s Dorothy Brown Green — remains bored for most of the film, until certain balloons show up and she becomes so fervently intrigued by them that you may wonder what drugs were being passed around Ballonland.

Mike Nelson of Rifftrax has said that this is his favorite movie they’ve ever done. Take that and understand just how frighteningly inane, insane and intense this movie gets. These are the Christmas films that I truly love, movies that make you wonder if you are even on the same plane of consciousness that you started on. They are drugs on video.

You know, since it’s Christmas, why not just watch the whole movie right here? You can also watch the Rifftrax version for free on Tubi.

Author’s Note: This review previously ran on June 30, 2017.

James Bond in a Star Wars-inspired flick, along with the dude from the old American Express Card commercials and Brian Keith from Hardcastle and McCormick ranting with a bad Russian accent about the L.A Dodgers?

Thank you, Mr. Lucas. We believe in The Force. We believe.

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How do movies get inspired? Sometimes, they come to us whole cloth. Other times, they’re inspired by a book, a comic or an old TV show. And in other occasions, they’re based on crazy theories, like 2004’s The Day After Tomorrow taking a cue from the speculative science tome The Coming Global Superstorm by Art Bell and Whitley Strieber.

1979’s Meteor finds its inspiration in a similarly strange source: the 1967 MIT report Project Icarus. Yes, when casting about for a way to top the increasingly insane disaster epics of the 70s, the producers of this film went collegiate. How else do you top killer bees, burning skyrises, giant rats and cockroaches that shoot fire out of their ass?

The story? Asteroid Orpheus gets smashed by a comet, which means a five mile chunk of space junk is headed right toward Earth, but everyone is too concerned with politics. That is — until small pieces of asteroids start wiping out cities. Luckily, our government has a super secret nuclear missile platform called Hercules, which was once created for just such an event. Of course, this being the 70s and the Cold War, Hercules’ fourteen missiles are now pointed directly at Russia. Wouldn’t it have been cooler if there were twelve of them, one for each of his labors? It’s a moot point — those missiles won’t be enough.

Luckily, Russia has their very own satellite pointing back at us — Peter the Great. And even luckier, The President, played by Henry Ford doing the exact same character as he did in Fail-Safe (I can’t emphasize this enough, it’s like they copy and pasted him into this dreck), just blurts out on TV that both nations have the satellites and they just need the best scientists to work together: Dr. Alexei Dobov (Brian Keith of The Parent Trap and Family Affair) and Dr. Paul Bradley (Sean Connery of Zardoz and Outland*).

They interrupt Bradley as he attempts to win a sailboat race and he reacts to being called upon to help save the world the same way an elderly housecat would: by being a total asshole about it. I realize that Sean Connery’s whole schtick at times was to be somewhat contrary, but he’s like the worst movie riffer ever, constantly talking down to people and huffing and puffing his way through every single conversation. Yes, he’s also the hero of the film — but maybe that’s how they did things in the 70s. Asshole heroes and killing off Donald Sutherland.

Everyone meets in the NASA control center, located beneath Broadway. It’s a cavalcade of your favorite actors, as all disaster movies must be: Harry Sherwood (Karl Malden, The Streets of San Francisco), Major General Aldon (Martin Landau, Ed Wood and Space:1999) and interpreter Tatiana Donskaya (Natalie Wood of Brainstorm and Breakfast at Tiffany’s). Russia refuses to cooperate until more of the world gets destroyed. One only imagines if a Russian cut of this film existed, the Americans would behave much the same way.

By the time everyone gets their shit together, Hong Kong — home of the producers of this film — and the Swiss Alps both get annihilated. The latter is a particular tough loss, as a young Sybil Danning (pretty much every movie I ever had uncomfortable feelings during puberty to, but let’s just say Battle Beyond the Stars and Young Lady Chatterely 2) has decided to ski during the Apocalypse and pays the price. Just as the missiles are launched, the disaster part of this disaster film kick in, with New York City being struck and the subways being flooded, putting our main characters in peril.

Luckily, the missiles do their job and just as the good news hits Earth, everyone gets rescued. I’ve struggled to write a more exciting ending to this review. Honestly — that’s the movie.

Meteor was a BIG deal when released — tie-in toys, a pinball machine, a Marvel comic book — everything that a major 70s blockbuster needed. Some blame American-International Pictures name being on this as a reason for its failure, as people instantly expected cheese from AIP. Some blame the completely boring script. Others just think that everyone was sick of disaster films, as the 70s themselves were pretty much a disaster.

Nevertheless, Meteor is competently directed by Ronald Neame, who also helmed The Poseidon Adventure. But the characters never get much to do other than have a few minutes of development and then try and survive.

The real disaster of this film was the muddy subway scene, which was shot in the swimming pool sets that Esther Williams once swam in. Connery suffered a respiratory infection that shut down the film for two days, Mudlen was buried alive TWICE and Wood was almost sucked into a pump and killed. In fact, during the filming of these scenes, the actors had to stuff their openings with cotton and wash their eyes out between each take. You’d think Natalie would have the good sense to stay out of the water after this. Sorry — too soon?

Some closing trivia — Natalie Wood spoke fluent Russian, as she was born to Russian immigrant parents and originally named Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko. Brian Keith also was fluent, but he taught himself the language. He was a last-minute replacement for Donald Pleasence.

And the buildings that get destroyed? They’re a series of apartments in St. Louis that were designed by Minoru Yamasaki, who also designed the World Trade Center. If 9-11 triggers you, maybe don’t watch Meteor, because the WTC gets blown up real good in it.

If it wasn’t for Meteor, we wouldn’t have Armageddon. At least we now know whom to blame.

*Yes, we realize he was in some other movies, too.

This article first appeared in the Drive-In Asylum 1979 Yearbook. You can buy a copy at Esty, Drive-In Asylum’s blogspot. Also be sure to visit with Drive-In Asylum on Facebook.

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Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker is currently playing in theaters and was theatrically on December 20 in the United States.

When members of Joe’s therapy group start dying under mysterious circumstances, Detective Harris is forced to reopen a cold case. Her only lead: Father William – the group therapy leader who seems to know more than what is in his police statements.

This comes from Eduardo Castrillo, whose film Worth we covered last year.

The sale copy for this reads: “In the tradition of The Exorcist and End of Days comes a paranormal whodunnit that pits a detective, priest and photographer against unexplainable evil.” Well, certainly these were movies and this is a movie as well.

Tom Sizemore stars as the priest and…well, he’s trying. Right? And hey there’s Miguel A. Núnez Jr., who was Spider in Return of the Living Dead and Dee Jay in Street Fighter. That’s probably the biggest selling point of the film to me.

If you’re streaming along and want to see a demonic zombie film with Tom Sizemore, well, I think there may be more than one option. But one of those is The Pining, which you watch for free on Amazon Prime.

DISCLAIMER: This movie was sent to us by its PR team. That has no bearing on our review.

During the day Paola is an ordinary primary school teacher, but at night, she turns into…The Christmas Witch, a magical creature who brings gifts to the good kids.

That said, what is a Christmas Witch? Well, she doesn’t even come on Christmas! In Italian folklore, Befana is an old woman who delivers gifts throughout Italy on Little Christmas, which is called Epiphany Eve (the night of January 5), the night before the Catholic Church celebrates the manifestation of the divinity.

Some suggest that Befana is descended from the Sabine/Roman goddess named Strenia. Regardless, each year, she visits all the children of Italy to fill their socks with candy and presents if they are good, or a lump of coal,  dark candy or a stick (if they live in Sicily) if they are bad. She also will sweep the house, which is symbolic of sweeping away the problems of last year.

So wait…why are we covering this on our site? Stay tuned after the trailer.

So why did we watch it?

The director is Michele Soavi.

You read that right. The same man who made Cemetery Man, Stagefright, La Secta and The Church.

This is his first theatrical film since 2008’s Blood of the Losers.

Yes, let that sink in. The dude in the metal mask from Demons made a Christmas movie for kids.

Don’t worry — it’s pretty crazy, even if his visual style is a bit muted here.

The plot concerns Paola being kidnapped by Mr. Johnny, a cruel toymaker who got his childhood ruined by the Witch and is now seeking revenge. Six brave kids all learn the teacher’s secret and work together to save Christmas from commercialism.

So yeah. Merry Christmas early, everyone. You may have wanted something filled with gore and all manner of insanity like a rabbit that learns how to use a TV remote, but hey, you can’t pick what’s under your tree. Just enjoy this one, which you can find for free on Tubi and Amazon Prime.

Leo McCarey was the son of one of Los Angeles’ biggest fight promoters, Thomas J. McCarey, and would be mentored by comedian Charley Chase and director Tod Browning. He cast Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy together, who became one of the most famous comedy duos of all time.

When the talkies took over, McCarey focused on features with the biggest stars of the era, such as Gloria Swanson, Eddie Cantor, the Marx Brothers, Mae West and W.C. Fields, but the failure of his 1937 film Make Way for Tomorrow nearly ruined his career. Today, that film is seen as a classic.

He left Paramount for Columbia, where he’d win his first Oscar for The Awful Truth, the film that established Cary Grant. Supposedly, Grant simply copied some of McCarey’s mannerisms and the rest was history.

The director remained independent instead of becoming a studio director. A devout Roman Catholic, he directed Going My Way, a story about a priest named Father Chuck O’Malley (Bing Crosby), which won him his second Oscar and Crosby a best actor statue. This movie was its follow-up, pairing Crosby with Ingrid Bergman. It’s based on McCarey’s aunt, Sister Mary Benedict, who died of typhoid.

While his anti-Communist films like My Son John and Satan Never Sleeps didn’t connect, McCarey’s An Affair To Remember is an all-time classic, inspiring films like Sleepless In Seattle.

McCarey’s filming method — unlike much of Hollywood at the time and based on his experience in silent films, was to keep the script fluid. He was often at the piano during filming, trying to think of new ideas to improve the film. Bing Crosby said that 75% of Going My Way “was made up on the set by Leo.”

The biggest movie of 1945, this movie marks an important moment in film history, as Bing Crosby’s Academy Award nomination for his portrayal of Father Chuck O’Malley made him the first actor in history to be nominated for two Oscars for playing the same role. In all, the film was nominated for eight Academy Awards including Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actress.

Made for $1.3 million, the film would go on to gross around $21.3 million. In today’s money, that’d be $300 million.

This time, O’Malley is assigned to St. Mary’s parish, which includes a run-down inner-city school that is about to be condemned. His role is to decide whether or not to keep the school open. They hope that businessman Horace P. Bogardus (Henry Travers, Clarence from It’s A Wonderful Life) will see it in his heart to save the school.

O’Malley and Sister Superior Mary Benedict (Bergman) both want to save the school but vary in the way they want to do it. Eventually, he gets the Sister to leave the school, but that’s because she contracts tuberculosis and a move to a dry climate will save her life. Of course, everything works out for everyone.

The production was overseen by a Catholic priest for authenticity. As the final farewell was being filmed, Bing Crosby and Ingrid Bergman passionately kissed one another, leading the priest-advisor to shout in protest, unaware that he was being pranked.

Olive Signature has just re-released this film on blu ray, mastered from new 4K restoration. It also has audio commentary by Bing Crosby biographer Gary Giddins, a feature on “Faith and Film” by Rose Pacatte, as well as discussions of the movie by Steve Massa, Professor Emily Carman and Abbey Bender.

The radio show The Screen Guild Theater aired two 30-minute radio adaptations of the movie with Bing Crosby and Ingrid Bergman reprising their film roles in 1946 and 1947. Both of these episodes are included on this release.  The first was broadcast on August 26, 1946, and the second on October 6, 1947.

Olive Signature has had some great releases as of late, including Invasion of the Body Snatchers and A Bucket of Blood. I love that they’ve been able to take movies that we know and love, yet are able to show us something new about them. You can get this movie right here.

DISCLAIMER: This movie was sent to us by Olive Films. Please check out their site and see what else they have to offer.

I love my wife, but man, when she gets control of the remote, we end up watching movies like Prancer when all I want to watch is Cannibal Holocaust again. I’m joking — I know it’s Christmas, but c’mon.

Here’s the demented thing about this movie: it has the same director as Let’s Scare Jessica to Death, John D. Hancock. I swear to Santa.

This movie is all about nine-year-old Jessica Riggs (Rebecca Harrell Tickell, who left acting to become a clean Earth activist), who is being raised by her widower father John (Sam Elliot). He can handle raising her brother Steve, but feels that she’d be better of being raised by his sister-in-law Sarah (Rutanya Alda from Mommie Dearest and Amityville II: The Possession).

Eventually, her obsession with Santa’s reindeer Prancer pays off and she gets to nurse him back to health. But man, is this a dark movie. The eighties are packed with dead moms in movies and this is yet another holiday film where everything is beyond somber.

Michael Constantine from the Greek Wedding movies is a Santa in this, plus you get Cloris Leachman, Abe Vigoda, a young Johnny Galecki and Ariana Richards from Jurassic Park.

You know how dark this one is?

Director John D. Hancock insists that Prancer’s fate — either he rejoins Santa or leaps off the cliff to his death — should be left open to interpretation.

Let that sink in: LEFT TO INTERPRETATION IN A MOVIE MADE FOR KIDS.

I’m not always a fan of studio notes, but I get why they wanted a more definitive answer. Originally, Hancock decided on an elaborate special-effects sequence showing Prancer’s journey to Santa’s sleigh, but they couldn’t afford that.

When asked, Hancock claims that the shot of Prancer rejoining Santa is all in Jessica’s mind.

So the reindeer is dead.

Merry Christmas from John D. Hancock.

Please don’t tell my wife, but there’s also a direct-to-video sequel, Prancer Returns. I pray that it’s not on Amazon Prime.