Box Office Failures Week: Abduction (2011)

So this whole month is about flops. And this movie, well, it made $82 million worldwide against its $35 million production budget, so that’s anything more than a flop. But it’s also John Singleton’s last movie — a career that had the promise of Boyz n the Hood ended with a vehicle for the werewolf boy from Twilight. Then again, he also made Four Brothers and 2 Fast 2 Furious, so maybe I’m being too generous to his promise.

Maybe I’m just upset because Abduction is the limpest of limp action movies and has the balls to be set in my hometown of Pittsburgh. Then again, most of it was shot in Hampton and Mount Lebanon, two neighborhoods rich with privileged folks who look down on our town’s yinzer soul. None of this will mean anything to you if didn’t grow up within earshot of the voice of Myron Cope, but Taylor Lautner is exactly the kind of kid who hung out at South Hills Village or Ross Park before his dad’s pals from the country club got him a cushy job so he could ogle and harass the interns, always a step ahead of you because there is no middle class here.

Ah, maybe I’m being hard on Taylor. After all, he was a wolf boy. And here, he plays a kid with Jason Isaacs and Maria Bello as his adoptive parents and a kindly Sigourney Weaver as a therapist who maybe isn’t all that kindly, but lives in one of those wacky houses you always stare up at Mt. Washington and wonder — who lives there?

Soon, his kinda sorta parents are dead, his house has been blown up real good and Alfred Molina is trying to kill him. What’s there to do but fall in love with Phil Collins’ daughter and try and find your real dad, only to discover that he’s Dylan McDermott or Dermot Mulroney?

Michael Nyqvist, who played Mikael Blomkvist in The Girl With…films, is also in this. Perhaps this is out American take on these spy thrillers, where instead of sexy and fashion-forward Lisbeth Salander, we get young Taylor rocking out his best American Eagle duds?

This movie got the kind of reviews that I can only dream of making, with one claiming that Bert from Sesame Street had more range than Taylor and the fact that an actual abduction would be preferable to watching this film.

Abduction and Lautner won the Teen Choice Awards for Choice Action Movie and Choice Action Actor. Meanwhile, the man who was once Jacob Black lost his bid to win a Razzie to Adam Sandler, who had the year actors like Cash Flagg could only dream about, as in 2011 he made Jack and Jill and Just Go With It.

If you want to hear exactly how much I hate this movie — and didn’t get the gist from reading the above words — then you should listen to our podcast where I basically went off on the movie for nearly an hour.

PS: Fuck Upper Saint Clair and Seven Fields, too.

The Amityville Haunting (2011)

Great tagline: The family did not survive. But the recordings did.

Good premise: The movie is based on actual found footage that documents the horrifying experiences of a family that moved into the infamous haunted house.

Bad news: It’s made by The Asylum.

Found footage, meet Amityville. Amityville, meet found footage.

You two play nice.

The Benson family decides to move into 112 Ocean Avenue, no matter what the rest of the known world knows. As soon as they decide to close on the house, their realtor drops dead in the driveway. The next week, a mover falls down the steps and dies. But hey — once you’re all moved in, who cares about little things like that?

Even when their daughter Melanie begins to speak to John Matthew DeFeo, no one thinks, “Maybe we should just rent a townhouse instead.”

Lead actor Jason Odell Williams graduated from the Actor’s Studio in New York and has written and produced several of his own plays. And yet, here he is, stuck in a found footage Amityville movie, a prospect that seems more dire than bugs attacking priests and blood dripping down the wall.

In the original Amityville film, an entire room would mysteriously appear. In The Amityville Haunting, it’s a mysterious landline telephone. There’s some message in that, I figure.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime and Tubi.

Ape Week: Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

After one movie — 2008’s The Escapist — Rupert Wyatt was picked to direct this blockbuster remake. It did pretty well, but his career took a bit of a hit this year when the film Captive State kind of disappeared.

This is more a remake of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes than the original film, as a brain repair technique gives advanced intelligence to a chimpanzee named Caesar, who leads an ape uprising.

Will Rodman (James Franco) is a scientist at the San Francisco biotech company Gen-Sys. Thanks to the viral-based drug ALZ-112 — which is being tested on chimpanzees — he’s close to finding a cure for Alzheimer’s disease, which his father (John Lithgow) suffers from.

One of the chimps in testing — Bright Eyes, named for Taylor’s nickname in the original film — goes wild in her cage and is put down, but they learn that she just gave birth to a son who is named Caesar. He’s inherited his mother’s intelligence as he’s been exposed to the drug inside the womb.

While the drug helps his father for some time, he becomes resistant to it. A neighbor attacks the dad while he’s confused and Caesar defends him, earning him a trip to the San Bruno Primate Shelter where he’s bullied by a chimp named Rocket and Dodge Landon (Tom Felton, who was Draco in the Harry Potter movies), the abusive head guard whose father (Brian Cox) manages the animal preserve.

As Caesar rises to the top of the primates, finally freeing the apes at the shelter and the San Francisco Zoo. Soon, he has run into the forest and a chance at freedom.

Andy Serkis is pretty amazing as Caesar and the effects are great. I prefer the original films, but it seems like enough people enjoyed this to lead to two sequels.

Christmas Spirit (2011)

Also known as A Christmas Puppy, this is yet another movie yawned forth from the hellscape of movies that are made by David DeCoteau. If you watched A Talking Cat!?! and were like, hey — I’d like him to make a Christmas movie, well, you already have Santa’s Summer House. But then if you want more, what kind of monster are you?

This is the first of DeCoteau’s Christmas movies, set in the same mansion where his homoerotic 1313 movie series is set.

Riley is charged with giving the Christmas Spirit to a family, so he does some breaking and entering and all manner of shenanigans ensue. There’s also a Christmas Spirit who wears a toga like she’s Vanna White in Goddess of Love who throws fortune cookies at Riley whenever he needs help.

Alexandra Paul — yes, the virgin Connie Swail from Dragnet — is in this, as is Maureen McCormick — yes, Marcia Brady — and Judy Landers — yes, Ms. Xenobia from Dr. Alien — as the voice of Chompie the dog.

While this movie was originally called A Christmas Puppy, the dog doesn’t show up until the end and really doesn’t have much to do with the film. That’s probably why the title was changed, because I could see lots of kids being sat down in front of this as a babysitter over the holidays and their poor soft skulls having to contend with the pure ridiculousness that is a David DeCoteau movie.

You can watch this for free on Amazon Prime. May the Lord be merciful to your soul.

2019 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 3: Deadball (2011)

DAY 3. SPORTS AND FITNESS: All pain, no gain. A workout watch out!

For this year’s challenge, I’ve wanted to avoid the expected and find movies that nobody is really talking about. Plus, each movie could never have been posted before to our site. That means that movies like Death Spa and Killer Workout were verboten.

The Japanese LOVE baseball, perhaps more than their American counterparts. Their love, however, is filtered through their own lens, which means that their edited American games take out everything between pitches. That means that a game that takes us 3 hours or more to watch can take but minutes. Keep that in mind and you’ll understand how a movie like Deddoboru came to be.

The film starts with young Jubeh Yakyu playing a game of catch with his father, who asks him to throw him his best pitch. This is a horrible time for Jubeh to discover he has superpowers, as the resulting throw ignites Earth and blows his dad up real good.

As a result, Jubeh becomes a juvenile delinquent and hero of the teenagers of Japan, doing things like killing fifty people a week and throwing TV sets at people. He’s sent to the Pterodactyl Juvenile Reformatory, a place where his adopted brother was once a prisoner before his death.

Chief warden Ishihara — not-so-coincidentally the granddaughter of a Nazi collaborator — is in charge of the prison baseball league and knows that the team will finally have a chance if Jubeh is on their team. Also: her butler looks exactly like Klaus Nomi, a fact that is called out in the film.

Director Yudai Yamaguchi knows of strange baseball. He also directed 2003’s Jigoku Koshien (Hell Stadium), or as it’s known in the West, Battlefield Baseball. The hero of that film was also named Jubeh, but this is less of a straight sequel than just another movie about deadly baseball.

Tak Sakaguchi, who plays Jubeh, is pretty much acting like the Japanese Man With No Name in this, constantly smoking and looking cool while he does so. Literally, he has the superpower — in addition to being able to throw father-murdering fastballs — to generate a cancer stick whenever he needs it.

Should you watch it? Does the prospect of a giant robot covered with swastikas and evil prisoner women battling a superpowered Asian Clint Eastwood fill you with glee? Because if it not, anata ni wa kokoro ga arimasen, as the Japanese say.

You can watch this for free on Popcorn Flix.

The FP (2011)

In The FP, disputes between rival gangs are settled by playing Beat-Beat Revelation, a dancing video game similar to Dance Dance Revolution. The 248 and the 245 are battling to control the FP — Frazier Park — and lessons must be learned.

This all comes from the minds of Brandon and Jason Trost. Brandon has gone on to do cinematography for Crank: High Voltage, Rob Zombie’s Halloween II, and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, while Jason has created the film series All Superheroes Must Die and the film Wet and Reckless. He’s really blind in his right eye — or is trying to be fashionable — which is why he’s always wearing an eyepatch.

The film begins with L Dubba E, the leader of the 245 gang, murdering BTRO, the leader of the 248 gang. As a result, his brother JTRO (Jason Trost) leaves the FP behind to become a lumberjack.

A year later, L Dubba E has taken over the FP and is holding back all the booze, which is leading to an increase in meth usage and homelessness. KCDC (Art Hsu, who is also in Crank: High Voltage), another  248 member, brings our hero back home, where he reunites with Stacy, an ex-girlfriend who is now sleeping with the enemy.

Can JTRO rise to the level of his brother? Will Stacy stop having sex with the main bad guy and realize she loves our hero? Will people bring guns to a dance off?

If you’ve ever played video games, you’ll probably enjoy this more than most people. Jason Trost came up with the idea in his teens when he noticed people treating Dance Dance Revolution like an intense battle. The dialogue was inspired by Def Jam: Fight for NY, which makes absolute and total sense.

Best of all, James Remar is in the film as the narrator. He met the brothers when their dad worked on Mortal Kombat Annihilation‘s effects team.

This is the kind of film that you’re either going to fall in love with instantly — like I did — or think it’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen. Imagine Mad Max with dance-offs and you’ll get the idea.

You can watch this for free on Tubi.

Zookeeper (2011)

Frank Coraci has made a living doing films with Adam Sandler (The Wedding SingerThe WaterboyClick) and Kevin James (Here Comes the Boom and this movie). Sandler and James helped write this take on the “only one man can hear animals” trope and here we are — with me being a completist that needs to see every Stallone movie.

Griffin Keyes (James) proposes to Stephanie (Leslie Bibb), who rejects him because he’s a zookeeper. His heart is broken and five years pass before he runs into her again. Griffin’s brother Dave offers him a job at his car dealership and tries to get them back together, but obviously, our hero loves animals. And they love him so much that they decide to break the code and speak directly to him.

The central issue that this film gets wrong is that zoo vet Kate (Rosario Dawson), who he uses to get Stephanie jealous, is a million times beyond her in coolness and hotness levels.

Humans that appear include Joe Rogan as Stephanie’s boyfriend, Ken Jeong as a reptile house workers, Donnie Wahlberg as an evil zookeeper, and James’ real-life wife Steffiana de la Cruz.

Let us speak of the animals. Bernie the Gorilla was played by Tom Woodruff, Jr., the Academy Award-winning effects master of. Death Becomes Her and voiced by Nick Nolte. Crystal the Monkey plays Donald the Tufted Capuchin with Sandler providing the voice. Stallone is in here as Joe the Lion, alongside Judd Apatow as an elephant, Cher as Joe the Lion’s wife Janet, Jon Favreau as Jermo the bear, Faizon Love as another bear, Maya Rudolph as a giraffe, Bas Rutten (!) as a wolf, Don Rickles as a bullfrog, Jim Breuer as a crow and Richie Minervini as an ostrich.

It’s exactly the kind of movie you think it is. If you hate puerile junk with talking animals, you’re going to hate it. Perhaps by the context clues you’ve guessed my stance.

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Before Aquaman, Jason Momoa was almost another franchise star with this 2011 reimagining of Conan. Directed by Marcus Naspiel (who was also behind the remakes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th) and narrated by Morgan Freeman, it failed at the box office and had mostly negative reviews. That’s never stopped us from loving a movie before, so let’s check it out.

Conan is the son of Corin (Ron Perlman!), who is the chief of the Cimmerians and also a tough dad who doesn’t think his son is ready to hold a sword, despite him beheading several enemies. There’s also this Mask of Acheron that needs put back together, something that big bad Khaler Zym needs to bring his wife back to life. His troops attack Corin’s people, killing everyone but Conan.

Fast forward to Conan’s days as a pirate, where he meets Ela-Shan , a thief and together they embark on a journey to destroy Zym. Conan disfigured Lucius, one of the guards, as a child and goes further now. They learn that Zym seeks Tamara, a descendant of the sorcerers of Acheron, whose death will unleash the mask.

Bob Sapp, who was a major pro wrestling, MMA and pop culture star in Japan plays Ukafa, the leader of Zym’s soldiers. 

Zym and his daughter, Marique (an unrecognizable Rose McGowan who spent six hours a day in makeup for the role) attack a monastery, but Tamara runs away and is saved by Conan. For the rest of the film, Conan fights off many attempts on her life before saving her and recovering the sword that was taken from his father. 

This was also made before Momoa became a big star on Game of Thrones. Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all asked to play Conan’s father, yet refused.

This film felt like a video game cut scene for nearly two hours to me. It’s glossy and filled with CGI, with a huge budget compared to any Conan film that ever came before. Yet it just didn’t have the feel that I was looking for. Perhaps you’ll feel differently.

WATCH THE SERIES: Fright Night

Fright Night was the first modern horror film I ever watched. I remember painting in my parent’s kitchen and my father telling me not to be afraid and just watch it with him. It’s a great start — combining the Hammer films that I loved that didn’t scare me with new school special effects and metacommentary.

The very first film in the series, this one really speaks to me as I was part of the last generation to grow up with horror movie hosts on UHF channels. Sure, there’s Svengoolie today and some internet shows, but it’s not the same. Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowall) is one such host, a washed-up actor who was in a few great movies decades ago and now goes from town to town, playing the same old 1960’s Z list horror films, saying the same lines. 

The defining moment for him is that Charley Brewster (William Ragsdale, Mannequin 2: Mannequin on the Move) believes in all his bull. And when Jerry Dandrige (the untrustable Chris Sarandon) moves in next door and shows all the signs of being a vampire, Charley finds he needs Peter Vincent more than ever before.

Plus, you get a pre-Married with Children Amanda Bearse as Charley’s love interest and a pre-gay pornography/976-EVIL Stephen Geoffreys as Charley’s best friend/worst nemesis Evil Ed. And I just love Billy Cole (Jonathan Stark, House II) as Jerry’s thrall.

This is a movie made for those who love horror movies. After all, Peter Vincent is named after horror icons Peter Cushing and Vincent Price. Creator Tom Holland wrote the part for Price, but the acting great had stopped appearing in horror movies at this time in his career. As they made the film — and the sequel together — Holland and McDowall became life-long friends, with McDowall introducing the young director to Price, who was flattered that the part was written to honor him and thought that Fright Night “was wonderful and he thought Roddy did a wonderful job.”

He’s right — this is a movie that taps into the mind and heart of horror fans, as so many of us have wondered, “What if the monster — and the monster hunter — was real?” The lighthearted yet dangerous tone of the film is letter perfect. That scene in the nightclub, where Jerry takes on the security guard? As good as it gets.

Want to watch it now? You can catch it streaming on Hulu.

Also of note: I’m glad the original ending wasn’t used. It was to close with Charley and Amy making out with Peter Vincent coming on the TV to host Fright Night, saying “Tonight’s creepy crawler is Dracula Strikes Again. Obviously about vampires. You know what vampires look like, don’t you? They look like this!” Then, he would transform, look into the camera and say, “Hello, Charley.”

After the unexpected critical and financial success of this film, a sequel was inevitable. Holland and Sarandon were both making the first Child’s Play, so they couldn’t commit to the film, although the actor did visit the set. Stephen Geoffrey’s didn’t like the script, opting to star in 976-EVIL. Ultimately only Ragsdale and McDowall would return.

Three years and plenty of therapy later, Charley Brewster now believes that Jerry Dandrige was a serial killer and that vampires don’t exist. Now a college student with a new girlfriend, Alex Young (Traci Lind, who dated Dodi Fayed before Princess Diana), Charley sadly discovers that Peter Vincent is back to hosting Fright Night. As they leave Peter’s apartment, a new nemesis, Regine steals Charley’s attention. There’s even a new version of Evil Ed, a vampire named Louie (Jon Gries, who is great in everything he’s done from Joysticks and Real Genius to The Monster Squad and TerrorVision) who is making Charley and Alex’s lives hell.

It turns out that she’s Jerry Dandrige’s brother and here for revenge. Now, the tables are turned and Peter Vincent is the one who has to convince Charley that vampires are real. Even worse, she’s turning Charley into a vampire and has stolen the Fright Night hosting job away from Peter! There’s also a transgender rollerskating vampire, putting this movie years ahead of others in presenting LGBT roles (even if Belle is evil).

One small trivia note: the vampire form that Regine transforms into at the end was modeled after 45 Grave lead singer Dinah Cancer. If you don’t know her band, they sang the song “Partytime” from TThe Return of the Living Dead.

There’s no way that this movie could live up to the original, but it tries. It hasn’t really been seen much, as LIVE Entertainment barely released it on home video. Artisan Entertainment released it on DVD in 2003, but it’s been out of print for a long time and commands big bucks. You can often find a bootleg of the high definition TV edition of the film at conventions (that’s where we got it!).

Written by Holland and directed by Tommy Lee Wallace (Halloween III: Season of the Witch and the original It, as well as the writer of Amityville II: The Possession, a movie I never cease trying to get people to watch), this movie suffered at the hands of a very real tragedy.

McDowall loved playing Peter Vincent and was eager to bring Holland back to make a third film, so he set up a meeting with the two of them and Carolco Pictures chairman Jose Menendez. Legend has it that the meeting did not go well. Later that night, Menendez and his wife were infamously murdered by their sons, Lyle and Erik. When McDowall learned of the news, he called Wallace and said “Well, I didn’t do it. Did you?”

As a result of the murders, Fright Night Part 2 lost its nationwide release schedule and only played in two theaters before being released directly to video. All of the planned advertising and public relations were canceled as well, which meant that most folks didn’t even know it was released until it showed up on video!

If you thought Hollywood was done with Fright Night, you’re wrong.

Colin Farrell plays Jerry here as “the shark from Jaws.” Christopher Mintz-Plasse plays Evil Ed as a geeky kid who was once best friends with Charley, who is now one of the popular high schools (remind me to tell you about the child vampire that used to chase me through my grandparent’s backyard someday). And former Dr. Who David Tennant is more Criss Angel than Zacherley.

This is a film that I really tried to get past and enjoy, but I just couldn’t be entertained by it. I’m not the only one. Tom Holland said, “Kudos to them on every level for their professionalism, but they forgot the humor and the heart. They should have called it something other than Fright Night, because it had no more than a passing resemblance to the original. What they did to Jerry Dandrige and Peter Vincent was criminal. Outside of that, it was wonderful.”

That said, there is a nice moment where Chris Sarandon makes a cameo as a victim of the new Jerry. Otherwise, this one is mean-spirited where it should have heart. No part of it feels fun. I was shocked to learn that it was directed by the same person who made I, Tonya and Lars and the Real Girl, Craig Gillespie.

And if you think that one is bad…

This direct-to-video sequel completely ignores the first remake, instead being a simultaneous remake of the first two films. The Gerri Dandridge in this one is a Romanian history and culture professor who teaches Charley, Evil Ed and Amy when they take a class trip to Romania. And this Peter Vincent hosts a reality show where he hunts vampires.

For some reason, Fox greenlit the movie and rushed it into being at a record pace. The first draft was written in a week and it was finished in 23 days. If only it didn’t feel like it went on for 24. This movie is a complete waste of time and the name of this franchise. It was like they heard someone say, “Nobody can make a worse remake than the last Fright Night.” And replied, “Hold my cup of blood and apple.”

Here are some other spinoffs:

NOW Comics released 27 total issues of a Fright Night comic that adapted both movies, as well as starting new stories where Peter and Charley battled a spider boy, squid people, aliens, a minotaur and the Legion of the Endless Night, which eventually brings back Jerry Dandrige to begin a new army of the undead peopled by French prostitutes!

Terror Time put out a new Fright Night comic book this year, Fright Night: The Peter Vincent Chronicles, which explains what happened to Peter between the first two original films. You can grab it — and the Fright Night coloring book and the screenplay too — right here.

In 1988, an Amiga video game was released. Strangely enough, you play as Jerry, trying to make it through your home and transform people into vampires. Everyone from the original Fright Night appears in the game as enemies and potential victims except Billy Cole.

And in 1989, the Indian film Kalpana House was released. It’s a loose remake, with Peter Vincent’s character being a priest and plenty of musical numbers. Yep. Really.

Finally, there’s the exhaustive 3 hour and 37-minute documentary You’re So Cool, Brewster! The Story of Fright Night. In addition to pretty much everything you’d ever want to know about the original two films, the filmmakers also created a series of trailers for the fictional movies The Resurrection of Dracula, Psychedelic Death, I Rip Your Jugular and Werewolf of Moldavia, which starred Peter Vincent (Simon Bamford, Ohnaka from Nightbreed and the Butterball Cenobite from the first two Hellraiser films) and Christopher Cushing (Nicholas Vince, Kinski from Nightbreed and the Chattering Cenobite from the first two Hellraiser films).

Sadly, these trailers are on the hard to find physical release of the documentary. You can watch it on Shudder right here, though!

Last year, Tom Holland announced that he’s writing Fright Night 2 as a book, with the goal of obtaining the rights to the series by 2019 and making a new movie. In the past, he’s talked about continuing the series by having single-father Charley Brewster inherit his mother’s home with his two teenage children learning that something evil is in the house next door — Evil Ed, who is trying to bring Dandrige back.

Whew! Here’s hoping you enjoyed our look at the past, present and hopefully future of a horror classic. And if you haven’t seen the original sequel, hunt it down! It’s pretty good!

Drive Angry (2011)

I have a real soft spot for Nicholas Cage. Sure, he’s been in some shit movies, but he’s our generation’s John Carradine, taking role after role because he’s a working actor. Who else could give us the magic of “No, not the bees?”

Directed by Patrick Lussier, who edited all of Wes Craven’s later films and directed the remake of My Bloody Valentine, this film was originally shot to take full advantage of the 3D process. It’s as close as a grindhouse film as you’re going to get when you’re spending $29 million to make a film.

John Milton (Cage) died ten years ago and went to Hell, but he’s broken out and stolen Satan’s gun, The Godkiller, to come back and get revenge against Jonah King (Billy Burke, Lights Out and The Twilight Saga), a cult leader who killed Milton’s daughter and plans on killing his granddaughter in order to bring Hell to Earth.

On his way to the abandoned Stillwater prison to kill the evil cultist, he runs across Piper (Amber Heard, Mera in the upcoming Justice League, the remake of The StepfatherMachete Kills), a waitress with bad luck in boyfriends. Directly after telling Milton her boyfriend is a good guy, she catches him in bed with a real estate agent. She kicks the woman’s naked ass literally to the curb and attacking her boyfriend, who assaults her. Milton saves her and they make their escape by stealing his 1969 Dodge Charger R/T 440.

That’s when we meet Satan’s agent, The Accountant (William Fichtner, as close as we’re going to get to a character actor in this day and age). His mission? Get Milton and The Godkiller back to Hell. He carries an Obolos, the coin that the Greeks would put over a dead man’s eyes as a payment to Charon, the ferryman for the dead. He can use the coin to become a badge or as a weapon. He kills Piper’s boyfriend and takes two cops with him to hunt down Milton.

After a night of drinking, both Milton and Piper are hooking up (not with one another, but with folks they found at the bar, though all Piper lets the guy do is paint her nails) when King and his men attack. Milton doesn’t even stop fucking the blonde he’s with, shooting and killing numerous men before he gets hit with a taser, which ends up giving her an orgasm — I’ve never seen that in a movie before!

Just then, The Accountant and the cops attack and Piper has to kill one of them to save Milton. On the run, they use The Godkiller to nearly take out the Accountant before they’re ambushed at King’s church. Milton is shot through the eye (Cage loved this idea and it may be why he decided to do the movie) and the church kidnaps Piper. Milton recovers because, well, he’s already dead and saves her before their car is shot up.

Milton comes clean with Piper, telling her that he died ten years ago to protect his family and best friend, Webster. In Hell, he watched his daughter die and decided to escape to save his granddaughter. It’s hinted here and in other scenes that Satan actually hates those that worship him, as he’s a quiet man who simply acts as the warden for evil souls. Milton’s stolen Godkiller doesn’t just kill people — it wipes their soul out of existence, the fate that he wants to deliver to King.

Piper agrees to following Milton to the bitter end and they head to Stillwater. The Accountant decides to help them, destroying a roadblock set up by Sheriff Cap (Tom Atkins, Pittsburgh’s greatest and star of Halloween 3: Season of the WitchThe Fog and Night of the Creeps).

Of course good wins out, but not before we get to see The Godkiller decimate King, whose skull is used to drink beer. Yep — finally someone has followed through on their promise to drink from someone’s skull.

The Accountant tells Milton that this is the most fun he’s ever had and that if Milton ever escapes again — which he promises that he will — he’ll have to hunt him down. They go back to Hell in a 1957 Chevy Bel Air.

Drive Angry isn’t a work of art. That said — it’s a hell of a lot of fun. There’s plenty of gore, lots of good gunplay and fun dialogue. Plus, plenty of Cage being Cage. You can’t ask for more than that. It’s not afraid to be an R rated movie — which, again, you can’t go wrong with.