A Christmas Cruise (2017)

David DeCoteau made The Wrong Cruise for Lifetime, which also stars Vivica A. Fox, and that movie uses the exact same establishing shot of a cruise ship as this movie. Welcome to the world of DeCoteau, where stock footage and ADR rules the day.

This is the second combo of Fox and DeCoteau that I’ve watched this holiday season. Obviously, I’ve made an advent calendar for myself filled with feces.

NOTE: The actress and director have worked together way more times than I thought was possible, including The Wrong Roommate. Sadly, I fear my OCD means that I’m going to be watching all of them.

When Pam Stevenson’s (Fox) best friend Becky (Jessica Morris, who has been in DeCoteau’s The Wrong ManThe Wrong Mommy and The Wrong Teacher, as well as A Mermaid for Christmas) takes her on a Christmas cruise — see, the title pays off — the aspiring novelist somehow finds the love of her life onboard.

That said, the ship they board is the Queen Mary, which hasn’t sailed for years, and all of the film’s locations look like banquet rooms at some hotel.

Kristoff St. John — who was on The Young and the Restless with Fox — died this year and this was one of his last films. Thanks to his IMDB page, I learned a fact that I would never have found out otherwise: he was childhood friends with both Soleil Moon Frye and her brother Meeno Peluce. I never realized that these two 80’s stars — Punky Brewster and Jeffrey Jones from Voyagers! — were related.

This movie also has Rib Hillis (he used to be on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition), Cristine Prosperi (Imogen Moreno from Degrassi: The Next Generation), Corin Nemec (the titular Parker Lewis from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose) and Reatha Grey (whose acting career started all the way back in the blacksploitation movie Welcome Home Brother Charles).

This Ion television TV movie lacks the sheer insanity of the director’s other films, so my hopes of talking cats and holiday puppies were dashed. Instead, two older people found love on a holiday island. Then again, if I want to watch more DeCoteau seasonal fare, there’s also Christmas Matchmakers (also with Fox), Carole’s ChristmasMy Christmas Grandpa (again, with Fox), A Royal Christmas Ball and Runaway Christmas Bride.

Bah humbug.

You can watch this for free on Tubi and Amazon Prime.

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