When Robert E. Howard created Conan, it was popular for its time as a pulp character. By the time of his creator’s suicide in 1936, Conan had appeared in 21 complete stories, 17 of which had been published, as well as a number of unfinished tales. After years of the copyright to the character passing around, Lancer released a series of paperbacks with dynamic Frank Frazetta covers that introduced the Cimmerian barbarian to an entirely new audience.

In 1970, Marvel Comics began adapting the Howard tales, arguably increasing the reach of the character even further than the original books. Then, in 1975, Edward R. Pressman (who also produced Christmas Evil) and Edward Summer started working on getting the books onto the silver screen. They had Oliver Stone writing it and Arnold Schwarzenegger for the lead, but couldn’t get major studios interested.

However, in 1979, they sold the project to Dino De Laurentiis and John Milius picked as the director. Combining several Howard stories, the filming took place in Spain and the entire film was based on Frazetta’s artwork. After a year of editing — and plenty of gore being cut out — the film was released to $100 million dollars of box office, which increased thanks to home video and cable. Some don’t consider it a blockbuster, but how else would there so many ripoffs released in its wake?

The film begins with a sword being forged by a blacksmith who shows it to his son, the young Conan, and tells him the Riddle of Steel. To sum it up, “Flesh grows weak. Steel becomes brittle. But the will is indomitable”. He tells his son that everyone will fail him, but he can always count on steel.

The Cimmerians are soon murdered by a band of warriors led by Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). This villain is a combination of several Howard characters. While his name comes from one of Kull of Atlantis’ villains, he is similar to Thoth-Amon, leading an army of suicidal warriors devoted to their king.

Conan’s father is killed by dogs and his sword is given to Doom, who hypnotizes and then beheads Conan’s mom (Nadiuska, who was also in Guyana: Cult of the Damned) in front of him. Our hero is then sold into slavery, chained to a mill stone known as the Wheel of Pain. While other children die, Conan lives to become a monster of a man, consigned to the gladiator pits and used as a stud to create more soldiers. Yet Conan becomes a favorite of the men he has been sold to and is educated in the East before being freed.

Conan wanders the world as a free man, finding an ancient sword and meeting a witch who gives him a prophecy of his future. This scene kinda blows my mind, because Conan is so good at having sex that he turns the witch into a demon and then throws her into the fire. That’s how good Conan is in the sack.

Conan befriends Subotai (surfing legend Gerry Lopez), a Hyrkanian thief, and Valeria, a female mercenary. Her name comes from Conan’s companion in the story “Red Nails”, while her personality and fate are based on Bêlit, the pirate queen of “Queen of the Black Coast.” She’s played by Sandahl Bergman, who is also in She, a totally ridiculous movie that I want more people to love as much as me.

In the city of Zamora, the trio steal from the Tower of Serpents and Valeria and Conan seal their union by making love. Soon, they’re captured by the soldiers of King Osrić (Max von Sydow), who only ask that three bring back his daughter. Subotai and Valeria refuse, but Conan’s hatred of Doom sends him to the Temple of Set.

There, he’s captured and tortured, as Doom insults his family and crucifies him on the Tree of Woe. Before our hero dies, Subotai rescues him and brings him to Akiro, the Wizard of the Mounds. He’s played by Mako, who was also the voice of Master Splinter in 2007’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The wizard summons demons that heal our hero but extract a heavy toll that Valeria agrees to pay.

Finally, our heroes go back to Doom’s temple and unleash their full vengeance. However, Doom himself becomes a giant snake and slithers away, because this movie is both insane and awesome. As the trio rides away, Doom shoots Valeria with a snake arrow and she dies in Conan’s arms, paying the toll that the wizard warned her about.

She is burned at the Mounds. As Conan stares at the fire, having lost the love of his life, Subotai cries for his friend, explaining that “a Cimmerian won’t cry, so I cry for him.” How is a film sotestosteronee and gore filled so poetic at times?

Our hero lays waste to Doom’s troops and when Rexor (former Oakland Raider Ben Davidson, who also played the bouncer in Behind the Green Door), one of the largest of them, almost kills him Valeria reappears as a valkyrie to save him for the briefest of seconds. Subotai saves the princess and Conan finds his father’s sword and breaks it in combat. Look for Sven Ole Thorsen in this too as Thorgrim. Sven has dated Grace Jones since 1990, but has been in an open relationship with her since 2007. He’s also in Conan the Destroyer and The Running Man.

That night, Conan comes back to the Temple and is greeted with open arms by Doom, who tries to mentally stop him. Conan resists and beheads his enemy with his father’s broken sword. He has solved the Riddle of Steel: you must become the steel and only rely upon yourself.

Conan burns down the Temple of Set and returns the princess to her father. The movie then shows us Conan on the throne of an empire, letting us know that one day he will rule the entire land.

No one could play Conan but Arnold, who started growing his hair in 1979 for this part. He trained for this movie like he did for his bodybuilding competitions: weapons training, martial arts training, horse riding lessons, even sword fighting with an 11-pound broadsword two hours a day for three months, as well as how to fall and roll from 15-foot drops. He also got 5% of the movie’s profits, a pretty hefty sum.

I love this movie. I adore the fact that Conan doesn’t speak until 20 minutes into the film and doesn’t speak for the last 20 minutes either. It’s awesome that Valeria is just as strong of a fighter — and maybe even stronger in spirit — as Conan. Every 80’s sword and sorcery movie is in debt to this, as much as Arnold claims that his performance is owed to peblum star Steve Reeves.

Who has had a crazier life than Matt Cimber? Born Thomas Vitale Ottavian, he met his first wife Jayne Mansfield when he directed her on Broadway in Bus Stop. Just think about how his other two wives felt, competing with Jayne Mansfield. Come on.

He’s directed everything from Mansfield’s last movie Single Room Furnished to The Sexually Liberated Female, a cycle of three Blaxploitation films (The Black Six, which featured six currently playing football stars in Gene Washington, a San Francisco 49er Gene Washington, Pittsburgh Steeler Joe Greene,  Miami Dolphins’ running back Mercury Morris, Detroit Lions cornerback Lem Barney, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Willie Lanier and Minnesota Vikings defense end Carl Eller;  as well as Lady Cocoa and the Candy Tangerine Man), The Witch Who Came from the Sea and two Pia Zadora films, Fake-Out and Butterfly. He also created and directed the original Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling TV show (he’s played by Marc Maron and named Sam Sylvia in the Netflix series).

Today, we’re here to discuss Hundra, one of the two films he made with Laurene Landon (the other is Yellow Hair and the Fortress of Gold). 

Hundra is the only youngster in her tribe of Amazons who hasn’t been with a man and she has no problem letting the other ladies know. Sadly, every member of her tribe soon gets killed by barbarians and the old wise woman wants her to have kids rather than get revenge. And that means she needs a baby daddy.

One dude has bad manners and tries to kill her. Another is a thief who only wants to kill her. The other is a gay pimp. Finally, she meets a healer, but other ladies have to teach her how to seduce him. Obviously, they teach her well, because she’s soon with child until a sorcerer takes her baby and forces her into a humiliating ritual, but she soon escapes and takes everyone out.

Luckily, as the narrator tells us, the spirit of Hundra lives within women from then until now. Also, somehow, someway, Ennio Morricone was conned into doing the soundtrack for this film, which is way under his legendary talent.

Star Laurene Landon also shows up in the recently released Terror Tales, as well as The Stuff, It’s Alive III: Island of the Alive, Maniac Cop, Wicked Stepmother and many others. She’s the best part of this movie, totally devoted to the action sequences and doing every stunt except for one fall off a 180-foot building.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

The assistant director of Johnny Got His Gun, as well as the director of Big Bad Mama, Lone Wolf McQuaid and Eye for an Eye, Steve Carver directed this exploitation roughie, where slave girls become gladiators and rise against their masters. But hey — it has Pam Grier in it! And you know why it’s probably so sleazy? I blame the director of cinematography — Joe D’Amato!

In the time after Spartacus, in the ancient Roman town of Brundusium, a group of slave girls are sold to Timarchus (Daniele Vargas, Eyeball), a promoter who puts together the fights in the colosseum. After the girls engage in a fight, she gets a big idea: make them fight to the death.

That’s when Mamawi (Pam Grier) and Bodicia (Margaret Markov) — who had just teamed up in Black Mama, White Mama — decide to team up and get out alive. Rosalba Neri (Lady Frankenstein herself!, as well as Lucifera: Demon Lover and Amuck!) is in this too!

Markov met her husband, producer Mark Damon, while making this movie, but couldn’t date until production was over, as director Steve Carver had made a rule regarding cast and crew intermingling.

Your enjoyment of this will depend on how much you enjoy watching women battle as gladiators and get treated as slaves. Go in wisely, dear reader.

You can watch this on Amazon Prime.

Terry Marcel also was behind Prisoners of the Lost Universe, The Last Seduction II and Jane and the Lost City (he was also A.D. on The Pink Panther series of films, as well as Straw Dogs) but today, we’re going to discuss his 1980 sword and sorcery epic Hawk the Slayer, which predates the Conan ripoff film cycle.

The wicked Voltan (Jack Palance, who is amazing in everything he did, no matter how silly the films get) murders his own father (Ferdy Mayne, who we all know and love from Night Train to Terror) over the magic of the last elven mindstone. Before he dies, the old king gives his son Hawk (John Terry, who was on TV’s Lost) a magic sword that responds to his mental commands. Our hero then promises to kill his brother in revenge.

Soon, though, Voltan has taken over the country. An injured soldier named Ranulf (W. Morgan Sheppard, who is also in Elvira: Mistress of the Dark) is taken in by the nuns of a convent who heal him but can’t save his hand. But Voltan soon descends on the convent and takes away their Mother Superior and Ranulf seeks Hawk to stop his brother.

Soon, Hawk learns of his new quest from a sorceress (Patricia Quinn, who was Magenta in The Rocky Horror Picture Show) and gathers his friends: Gort the giant (Bernard Bresslaw, who would go on to play a similar role in Krull), Crow the elf and Baldin the whip-wielding elf. Even though they raise enough gold to pay for the ransom on the nun, Hawk knows that his brother won’t live up to his word. After all, Voltan killed Hawk’s wife Eliane (Catriona MacColl! Holy cow! The star of City of the Living Dead, The Beyond and The House by the Cemetery!).

You can also watch out for Roy Kinnear (Henry Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) as an innkeeper and Patrick Magee (Tales from the Crypt, Asylum) as a priest.

The five warriors decide to attack Voltan and Hawk succeeds in killing his nephew Drogo (Shane Briant, who is in Lady Chatterley’s Lover), but Baldin is horribly wounded after one of the nuns turns heel on our heroes. Finally, Hawk gets his revenge, but an evil spirit brings Voltan back, so Hawk and Gort travel to find him. The battle isn’t over…and sequels called Hawk the Hunter and Hawk the Destroyer have been teased for years.

British kids who grew up in the 80’s LOVE this movie. For example, Simon Pegg worked plenty of references to it into the TV show Spaced. And The Darkness song “Nothin’s Gonna Stop Us” has Drogo’s line “I am no messanger. But I will give you a message. The message of DEATH!” in its lyrics.

This film is more influenced by Star Wars than Conan. Will you enjoy it? How do you feel about Krull? Because this movie feels so close to that one — except this one has a magic sword and that one has the Glave. Also, this movie has a great shouted line that makes me laugh every single time: “The hunchback will have something to say about this!” And an elf that talks like a robot, which makes no sense. Oh yeah — and Jack Palance being as over the top as it gets!

According to David Carradine’s book Spirit of Shaolin, he called out Roger Corman before shooting began on this film, telling him that this was just a ripoff of Akira Kurosawa’s 1961 samurai epic Yojimbo. Corman replied, “Yes, it is rather like Yojimbo.” Carradine then said, “It’s not like Yojimbo. It is Yojimbo.”

That’s when the Corman BS began. He told Carradine, “Let me tell you a story. When Fistful of Dollars opened in Tokyo, Kurosawa’s friends called him up and said, “You must see this picture.” Kurosawa said, “Yes, I understand it is rather like Yojimbo.” They told him, “No, it’s not like Yojimbo; it is Yojimbo. You have to sue these people.””

That’s when Kurosawa dropped a bombshell: “I can’t sue them. Yojimbo is Dashiel Hammet’s book Red Harvest.”

The only problem? This story is absolutely untrue. Kurosawa successfully sued Sergio Leone (And to paraphrase Patton Oswalt, I’m not going to bore you and tell you how Last Man Standing is a ripoff, too).

The big difference is, none of these movies had David Carradine with a sword or a witch who is naked for the entire running time of the movie.

Originally known as Kain of the Desert Planet, this was directed by John C. Broderick, who was a supervising editor on The Exorcist. It was co-written with William Stout, an artist who storyboarded Raiders of the Lost Ark and both Conan films. He was also the production designer for the Masters of the Universe movie. Beyond that, he’s worked in comics, on theme parks and was the designer of Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch.

Note: For the full story on this movie and how William Stout had no idea it was being made, check out my interview with him.

So anyhow, let’s get to the movie. It’s all about the planet Ura, which exists under twin suns and has two rival leaders, Zeg (Luke Askew from Easy Rider, who would also play the villain against Carradine in Dune Warriors. Even better, Carradine would wear the exact same outfit from this film in that one, too) and Bal Caz, who are eternally at war with one another over the only water on the planet.

Kain (Carradine) arrives to make money by playing them off one another until he meets Naja (María Socas, who is also in Deathstalker II), an always naked sorceress who convinces him to save her people.

Keep an eye out for one of the baddies named Kief. He’s played by stuntman extraordinaire Anthony De Longis, who tried to save my childhood as Blade from the aforementioned Masters of the Universe. He’s really the only awesome part of that movie, other than Stout and Moebius’ character designs.

Carradine’s outfit is rather ridiculous. That’s helped by the fact that before shooting, he got in a fight with his girlfriend and punched a wall, messing up his hand. That’s why he wears a black glove throughout this movie.

The star’s own summation of the film is that Broderick was obsessed with María Socas (just watch the movie and see why) and kept her topless for the entire movie. He liked the swordplay and the fighting style he designed for the action, but claimed that it was uneven and warned readers of his book to not expect a great movie. 

You can watch this on Amazon Prime or on the Shout! TV streaming page.

I’ve been wanting to watch this movie for years. It has the most perfect of trailers, one that shows off its triumphant score, battles and ridiculous special effects, along with the twin sisters who will rise up to battle an evil wizard. Seriously, if you watch this trailer and don’t want to watch this movie, I really have no idea why you’re on our site.

How does an evil wizard get awesome powers? Well, if you’re Traigon, you’re going to have to sacrifice your firstborn child to the god Caligara. However, his wife surprises him by having twins and not revealing which one came first, so he has his men stick a giant claw into her nether regions, making you instantly realize that Jim Wynorski wrote this movie.

Before she passes away, she gives the babies to Krona, a warrior who promises to raise these “girl children” to be warriors — the two who are one — who will get revenge for their mother.

Twenty years later, after losing the first of his three lives to Krona, Traigon comes back to hunt down his daughters, who are now joined by Erlik the barbarian and Baldar the Viking.

Mira and Mara are played by Leigh and Lynette Harris, twin sisters who appeared together in the April 1978 issue of Playboy. They’re also in I, the Jury, the film that Larry Cohen quit to make Q the Winged Serpent.

This is a Roger Corman on the cheap production, one that steals the score from Battle Beyond the Stars. In typical Corman fashion, he also shortchanged director Jack Hill, who asked for his name to be removed because the special effects were shortchanged and also because he had written a role for his friend Sid Haig, who Corman refused to hire at the last minute. Instead, he’s credited as Brian Stuart, the first names of Corman’s sons. Hill also claims that Dino De Laurentiis stole his film’s lighting equipment to film Dune.

Becca would like you to know that the only reason they made this movie is just to show boobs. She’s never lived in a world without the internet, so perhaps she doesn’t understand. Me, I wanted to see the giant flying lion at the end, because I’m a grown-up adult.

There’s also a monkey man in this movie, a development that makes as much sense — and has me as excited — as when the werewolf dude shows up in Turkey Shoot. There’s also a satyr that helps our heroes who really creeped Becca out as he mostly screams like a goat.

Also: the twins are like the Corsican Brothers, so of course there is a scene where one has sex and the other lies there and orgasms while the goatman watches. Because man, what a missed opportunity if that hadn’t happened.

The end of this film, where the monkey man turns good and a giant woman’s head in the sky battles a flying lion while a virgin sacrifice happens? It’s everything I wanted this movie to be. It’s why you should be watching this.

Want to see more of Jack Hill’s films? I definitely recommend Spider Baby, which is as strange of a movie as you can find. There’s also Switchblade Sisters, Coffy, Foxy Brown, The Big Doll House, The Big Bird Cage and many more. They’re worth discovering.

You can watch Sorceress for free with an Amazon Prime membership.

In the small town of Pakoe, a woman is decapitated by a killer wearing swimming goggles and a burlap sack. He’s already killed before and chances are, he’s going to kill again unless sheriff Carl Carson can stop him. Soon, the killings will pile up and the killer will get cocky and taunt Carson via phone. But just who is he?

The Night Brings Charlie came late to the slasher cycle, coming out in 1990 from director Tom Logan (Shakma) and writer Bruce Carson.

Everyone believes that the killer is Charlie Puckett, a disfigured gardener who has to wear a mask similar to the description of the killer. He’s brought in for questioning but refuses to talk until he speaks with Walt, the coroner who served with him in Vietnam. Carson has doubts about the confession, so he sets a trap for the killer, who ends up being Walt. Yep, back in Vietnam, he killed a girl and was discharged. Now, his urge to kill has come back.

But wait – Walt says that Charlie a killer too. He helped kill the girl back in the war and he’s killed everyone else after the second victim. Now, Charlie is coming after the kids in town and there’s a chance to Carson won’t be able to save them in time. So who is the killer? And can anyone be saved in time? And how awesome is it when people are set on fire?

This isn’t an easy movie to find, so I’d like to thank friend of the site John S. Berry for sending it my way.

Malcolm D. Lee has directed some pretty decent films — Undercover Brother, The Best Man, Roll Bounce, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, Soul Men and Girls Trip. Now, he’s sending Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish — and some pretty great supporting actors — to Night School.

Also — don’t get this one confused with 1981 Americanized giallo Night School, which has a woman’s head cut off and put in a pot of stew that people eat out of.

Teddy Walker (Hart) dropped out of school when he couldn’t concentrate on his college prep tests. But it all seemed to work out — he’s going to inherit the grill store he’s worked at since his teens, a fancy lifestyle (that he can’t afford) and a wealthy girlfriend named Lisa.

Things blow up — literally — when he accidentally blows up the shop while proposing. That leads to a financial and personal tailspin that finds him going back to get his GED so that he can work with his friend Marvin (Ben Schwartz from Parks and Recreation).

He goes back to his old high school for classes, only to learn that the person he bullied the most, Stewart (Taran Killam), is now the principal. Luckily, he’s able to get into Carrie’s (Haddish) night school class. And when he’s not studying, he’s working in a religious fried chicken restaurant (to deflect potential piracy, this movie was shipped to theaters as “Christian Chickens”).

The rest is pretty much comedy by the numbers, but it is livened up by the cast. Rob Riggle is always great in everything that he does. Many only know Mary Lynn Rajskub from 24, but I remember her from Mr. Show and she’s always hilarious when given a chance to shine. I saw Al Madrigal do standup a few years back and am always excited to see him get the chance to be a success. Fat Joe is, well, Fat Joe, but still pretty fun. And any movie that has Keith David in the cast is going to make me happy.

This is pretty much as mainstream as the movies I watch can get, but there were still some fun moments. It’s not the greatest back to school movie (I mean, when a movie is called Back to School it should own that title), but it’ll cause a few laughs.

My real job is to write copy for marketing. I’ve been at it for over twenty years, and no matter how many great taglines I see in commercials, nothing moves me more than the copy that has sold my favorite movies. The words that sell Asylum are very special to me:

“Come to the Asylum…to get killed!”

The best lines make you say, “And then?” Or even better, “Why?” Why would I come to the Asylum? Why would I want to get killed? I need to know more. I need to watch this movie.

Asylum is a movie of pedigree. It comes from Amicus, the studio that made portmanteau horror their toast and baked beans. It’s written by Psycho author Robert Bloch, who based the script on several short stories. And it’s directed by Roy Ward Baker, whose films Quatermass and the Pit, The Vampire Lovers and The Vault of Horror belong in every media collection.

You know the narrative structure if you’ve seen an Amicus anthology film. Generally, unrelated people come together, tell their stories and realize that they’re either dead, in hell, or dead and in hell. Then, the narrator points to the camera and says something to the effect of “You’re next!”

Asylum breaks the mold by presenting its tales within a secluded home for the incurably insane. Dr. Martin arrives to interview for a position when he’s met by Dr. Lionel Rutherford, who is in a wheelchair thanks to an attack by inmate Dr. Starr, who was once the head of the place! If Dr. Martin can deduce exactly who Starr is from a series of patients, the job is his.

The first tale, “Frozen Fear,” is a very by-the-numbers EC Comics affair, with butcher paper-wrapped body parts suddenly finding a life of their own.

Yet, “The Weird Tailor” is when Asylum picks up speed and runs toward brilliance. A tailor, on the cusp of losing his shop, accepts a strange job from an even stranger man, played by Peter Cushing. There’s a feeling I get when Peter Wilton Cushing, OBE, appears on screen. It’s a return to childhood, remembering afternoons and late evenings watching endless Hammer movies with no adult cares and that moment of excitement when I recognized him in Star Wars. Here, as a man who has lost his son — Cushing was no stranger to loss, never getting over the death of his wife — he implores the tailor to create a suit for him, one with instructions that must be followed without question. The denouement of this episode still gets me every single time. This is pre-CGI practical magic creating sorcery on celluloid, an utter moment of strange beauty mixed with otherworldly dread.

The ending of “Lucy Comes to Stay” can be defined in the first few moments, but when you have Britt Ekland and Charlotte Rampling on screen together, something so trivial as an easy-to-divine twist is simple to get over.

“Mannikins of Horror” is a masterclass in unexpected twists. Soul transference and eerie toys converge to create a nightmare within the asylum’s four walls. And just when you think you’ve seen it all, the reveal of Dr. Starr will leave even the most seasoned fright fans stunned. Remember – nobody gets out of the Asylum unscathed. The unexpected twists in this tale will keep you guessing and gasping until the very end.

Despite owning thousands of DVDs and Blu-rays, Asylum always finds its way into our home’s player at least once a month. Why? Because it never loses its unique edge. How many films do you know that feature small robots filled with noodle-like guts stabbing doctors with scalpels, while glowing suit-wearing mannequins stalk the screen? And how many manage to combine these frightening moments with an ongoing theme of mankind’s tenuous grasp on sanity and identity? Asylum is a rare gem that accomplishes both, and it’s a film you won’t want to miss.

NOTE: This article originally ran on Horror and Sons.

BONUS: You can listen to the podcast we made about this film!