Arthur Malcolm (Bo Brundin, who was in Meteor, The Day the Clown Cried and Raise the Titanic) can’t pay the rent — he’s a starving artist, you know? — so he tries to sneak into a woman’s bedroom and steals money off her nightstand. He thinks that she’s sleeping, she thinks he’s a rapist and this comical misunderstanding ends with her popping out his eye with a spoon and knocking him out a window.
Arthur pulls himself back up and decides that he’s going to keep being an artist but to do so, he’s going to kill people and use their eyeballs in his art.
It was produced by porn luminary Henri Pachard and distributed by J.E.R. Pictures as a double feature with The Ghastly Ones. The director and writer? Kent Bateman, who was the father of Jason and Justine, and would one day produce Teen Wolf Too.
Back to that porn connection, it has adult actors Larry Hunter (who was also in The Amazing Transplant with another actress from this movie, Mary Lamay) and Linda Southern. Another actress, Ann Wells, was also in Anything Once, Career Bed and The Detention Girls, was married to Bateman but is not the mother of his famous children.
Don’t be confused by the poster. This is not a movie about eyeballs moving on their own. No, it’s a movie about a man with an eyepatch saying “My eye!” and “I’m twisted!” while plucking other eyeballs out of their sockets. Over and over. Sometimes even in focus. Also: set to music stole from the Cecil Leuter and Georges Teperino albums TV Music 101 and TV Music 102.
This is the kind of movie that as soon as it starts, you’re either going to love or despise it.
Prince Mccoy (director, writer and star Michael Worth) has lost out on all the dreams he once had as he grew up in the small town of Apple Seed. His childhood bank foreclosed on everything his father owned, which he blames for his father’s death. And now, he has no home, no girlfriend and no hope. So he decides to drive across the country in his 1967 Mustang — which is all he owns — and make that bank pay for what they’ve done.
He picks up an old man named Carl Robbins (Rance Howard), a strange senior who has a bucket list on a napkin and a mission to lead Prince on a journey that will change both their lives, meeting a variety of people, like the love that Prince let get away, as they also confront the errors they’ve made in their own lives.
That’s because just like Prince wants to, Carl also robbed a bank. And despite his advanced age, he’s facing a prison sentence that will last for the rest of his life. Is Carl’s past going to be Prince’s future? And what happens when they make it to Apple Seed?
This is the last film that Rance Howard was in, released two years after his death. It also has a role for his son Clint.
There’s also an appearance by Robby Benson that echoes the movie Ode to Billie Joe, based on the song of the same name.
Worth told Diversions LA, “I did a film with Rance in Flagstaff, Arizona and I knew I had to do a film for him. It was just one of those things I wanted to get made. We completed the project just before Rance passed away.”
As I get older, I’ve been thinking of the journey of my life. This movie made me reflect on things and wonder when I will go from Prince to Carl in my experience.
This VCI Entertainment and MVD release has extras like an audio commentary by director and star Michael Worth, an alternate longer cut, a making-of, a short about the movie’s premiere, deleted and extended scenes, and a Rance Howard memorial video.
Julia Sweeney created the character Pat O’Neill Riley for Saturday Night Live but it wasn’t intended to be a mystery as to the character’s gender. Sweeney said, “I’d been an accountant for like five years, and there was one person I worked with in particular who had a lot of mannerisms like Pat. This person sort of drooled and had the kind of body language of Pat. I started trying to do him. I was testing it out on my friends and they were just like, “Yeah, it’s good, but it doesn’t seem like a guy that much.” Like I couldn’t quite pull off being in drag convincingly enough. So then I thought, maybe that’s the joke. I’ll just have one joke in here about how we don’t know if that’s a man or a woman just to sort of cover up for my lack of ability to really play a guy convincingly.”
First appearing on December 1, 1990 and showing up in twelve other episodes, Pat is of another era, a time when non-binary and transgender people were seen mostly as someone to joke about. Let’s be honest, they still are and even worse today. But for a time, Pat was the first character of its type.
Sweeney said about this film — yes, everyone from SNL was getting a movie at this stage — “I wrote It’s Pat with Jim Emerson and Steve Hibbert. We had a great time writing and a lot of fun making the film. The movie didn’t do well at the box office, not by a long shot. In fact, It’s Pat became a popular example of a film so despised that it got a zero percent Rotten Tomatoes rating! I guess in that way, it’s sort of a badge of honor. But I can’t help it, I love this film. It has so many people in it who I love, and loved. Many are dead: Charlie Rocket, who played Kyle, and Julie Hayden who played his wife (who died of cancer a couple of years after the film premiered,) my dad who played the priest who married us, and my brother Mike who had one line at the wedding shower of Pat and Chris. And there are so many good friends in the film too: Kathy Griffin and Dave Foley and Kathy Najimy and Tim Stack and Tim Meadows. And the band Ween! We had so much fun together.”
Yes. Ween is in this. It still makes me laugh that they show up.
Pat (Sweeney) and Chris (Dave Foley, who continually has played women in nearly every show that he’s been part of) have met, found out that they both like to eat and become engaged. Yet Pat can’t get her life together, she has a neighbor (Charles Rocket) obsessed with her and an appearance on America’s Creepiest People turns her into a celebrity, which causes the couple to break off their engagement. The entire free world then becomes obsessed by whether or not Pat is a man or a woman while Pat tries to get Chris back.
Sweeney didn’t want to make the film. She said, “I resisted it completely. I just didn’t know how we could make it last for two hours. But 20th Century Fox was really keen; our producer was really keen. So we thought, OK, we’ll write the script. And after three months, we fell madly in love with the script. Unfortunately, Fox did not.”
This was made by Touchstone Pictures instead of that studio.
It also has an uncredited writer.
Quentin Tarantino.
Playboy: You were hired to do a rewrite of It’s Pat. As one now familar with the perspiring androgyne from Saturday Night Live, is Pat a he or a she?
Tarantino: The androgyny aspect is only a part of Pat’s appeal. What I love about the character is that Pat is so fucking obnoxious. To tell the truth, I don’t know what Pat is. But I know what I want Pat to be: I want Pat to be a girl. There was only one sketch that Julia Sweeney, the actress who plays Pat did on Saturday Night Live that gave a clue to what Pat is. It was the sketch that Pat did with Harvey Keitel. They’re stranded on a deserted island and they have sex — and Harvey still doesn’t know what Pat is. And the thing is, they kissed in it. At one point they were thinking of taking the kiss out of the sketch. But Harvey, being Harvey, demanded they keep it in, that there’d be no integrity without the kiss. So that was the first time we’d seen Pat in an intimate situation — a smooch. There is a certain way that you hold your head, the way you come in for a kiss. And sitting there, watching it, I thought that Pat didn’t kiss like a guy. Pat kissed like a girl.
Sweeney was so upset after this that she never wanted to play the Pat character again. However, she had previously agreed for Pat to be honored as mayor for the day”in West Hollywood on Halloween. She would play Pat one last time on October 31, 1994, but claims that it was “halfhearted and pathetic.”
In this film, Mary Pickford plays not one, but two roles in a movie different from anything she had ever done before. One is beautiful, rich, but crippled Stella Maris and the other is deformed and abused orphan Unity Blake. For one of the first times in film, one actress would play two roles using double exposures and complex editing from director Marshall Neilan and cinematographer Walter Stradling.
Based on William John Locke’s 1913 novel, this begins with Stella Maris trapped in her London mansion bedroom. Unable to walk since birth, her wealthy family tries to keep her from the horrors of the world, such as World War I. There’s a sign on her door which tells anyone entering, “All unhappiness and world wisdom leave outside. Those without smiles need not enter.”
Unity Blake is an uneducated orphan who has been abused to the point that she is afraid of every person she meets. She’s been hired by Louisa (Marcia Manon) to work in the mansion.
John (Conway Tearle) may be married to Louisa, but it’s never been happy. He frequently visits Stella, who he has never told that he is married. Instead, he wants her to think that he is as perfect as her worldview.
One night, Unity loses the food she is delivering and as a result, a drunken Louisa beats her senseless. Louisa is arrested and jailed, while John decides to adopt Unity, who soon falls in love with him. Stella’s family wants her kept from the rich girl, as seeing another woman so broken will let her know that the world is a horrible place.
Unity decides to become educated, learning from her new guardian Aunt Gladys (Josephine Crowell), as Stella gets an operation which allows her to walk. She agrees to marry John, just as Louise gets out of jail, telling the young girl the truth about the man she is in love with.
That night, Aunt Gladys is overheard telling others that Louise will never allow John to live the life he deserves. Unity, realizing that John will only love Stella, murders Louise and kills herself, freeing John and allowing Stella to believe that there may be sadness, but there can also be joy afterward.
What I love about the golden age of media that we live in now is that movies like this, that may otherwise not be seen and could even be lost can now exist in my collection.
According to MVD, who released this film, “The Mary Pickford Foundation and the Paramount Film Archive partnered to access all elements available in the Pickford collections both at the UCLA Film & Television Archive and at the Library of Congress. Even though the archives were shut down during the pandemic, all parties cooperated to send the film elements to Paramount so they could be scanned in 4K resolution and commence work on the restoration.”
Using a 1967 35mm B&W Dupe Negative and an incomplete 1925 35mm Tinted Print, this has new digital inter-titles, repaired damaged to the prints, a stabilization of the actual playing of the movie and a frame rate that closely matches how audiences would have seen the movie in 1918.
Extras include a commentary track by Marc Wanamaker, author and film historian, as well as a pictorial book created by the Mary Pickford Foundation, a photo gallery and The Mountaineer’s Honor, an American Biograph short that has been newly mastered in HD with an original score by the Graves Brothers.
April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 26 and 27, 2024. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included) for an additional $15 per person. You can buy tickets at the show but get there early and learn more here.
For a list of all of the movies that have ever played the Monster-Rama, click here.
Here are the two drinks I’ll be bringing!
1985 Zombie (The Return of the Living Dead)
1 oz. Malibu rum
1 oz. Hurricane Proof rum
1 oz. spiced rum
.5 oz. peach schnapps
.5 oz. 99 Bananas
1 oz. orange juice
1 oz. lemon juice
1 oz. lime juice
.25 oz. grenadine
Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You know, violently? And wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way to die?
Mix all of this in a shaker with ice, then pour it into a big glass. Lose your brains.
Point Dume Sunset (Messiah of Evil)
1 oz. vodka
1.5 oz. Malibu rum
1.5 oz. peach schnapps
.5 oz. grenadine
2 oz. orange juice
2 oz. pineapple juice
Maraschino cherries are optional
Fill a glass with ice, then pour in this order: vodka, rum, schnapps then the juices. Then, pour your juices, then add cherries. Finally, pour the grenadine down the side of the glass, so that you get the “sunset” effect.
Then, sit in the sun and wait. And sleep. And dream. Each of us dying slowly in the prison of our minds.
“Welcome aboard, fright-seers! Looking for a little hell-iday fun? You’ve come to the right place! We specialize in all sorts of hackage tours! (cackles) So what will it be? A few days in a scream park? Or would you like me to book you into a nice, quiet dead and breakfast? Or perhaps you’d like to go treasure haunting like my friend, Red. He wants to steal a priceless black pearl in a tasteless tidbit I call: “Dead Wait.””
Red Buckley (James Remar) and his partner Charlie (Paul Anthony Weber) have been planning to steal a black pearl from plantation owner Emilie Duvall (John Rhys-Davies). There’s not much time, because the island where Duvall lives is about to be taken over by a revolution. So Red kills Charlies as they argue and decides to get the pearl for himself. He then meets Emilie at a bar — he’s pretty sickly, as he’s filled with water worms that have carved tunnels through his skin — along with the man’s much younger wife Kathrine (Vanity), who seduces the crook and they decide to kill her husband and split the pearl. The problem? Emilie has a worker named Peligre (Whoopi Goldberg) who does voodoo and plans on taking care of Red.
If you’re wondering how gross this one is going to get, well, Emilie has swallowed the pearl and Red has to dig through his worm-filled corpse to find it. That’s what you get when Tobe Hooper directs! But seriously, this is an intriguing episode.
There’s also a scene afterward where the Crypt Keeper has a talk show and interviews Whoopi.
Crypt Keeper: Oooh. Talk about being headed off at the pass. We’ve got a guest, kiddies. Whoopi! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I want you to know that I loved your movie The Killer Purple.
Whoopi: That’s Color Purple, Crypt Keeper.
Crypt Keeper: Oh! Right. Well, um, congratulations on winning that Academy A-weird.
Whoopi: Well thanks, but it’s actually called an Academy Award.
Crypt Keeper: Whatever. Look, it’s a pleasure to meet a big star like you.
Whoopi: Now, you’re a pretty big star. I mean, I’d love it if you would be in my next film.
Crypt Keeper: Really?
Whoopi: (pulls out a machete) Yeah, it’s just a bit part.
Crypt Keeper: I’m flattered!
Whoopi: But you don’t know what bit I want.
Crypt Keeper: Well, as long as I don’t wind up on the cutting room floor!
Whoopi: (Points the machete at him) Okay!
Crypt Keeper: (Gasps)
Whoopi: (Smiles at the camera)
This episode is based on “Dead Wait!” from Vault of Horror #23. It was written by Al Feldstein and William Gaines and drawn by Jack Davis.
April 26: Heavy Metal Movies: Pick a movie from Mike McPadden’s great book. RIP. List here.
Also known as The Rejuvenator, this forgotten film was inspired by The Wasp Woman. It was directed and co-written by Brian Thomas Jones, along with Simon Nuchtern (who directed the new sequences for Snuff as well as Savage Dawnand Silent Madness). Steven Mackler, who produced this film, had met Jones after he was impressed with the director’s short movie Overexposed. Mackler had a deal with Sony Video Software to make three movies and sent him the script for a movie called Skin, which was writtem by Nuchtern.
In an interview with Matty Budrewicz, Jones said, “I read the script and, when I finished, I said to myself “I can’t direct this script, but I know how to make this movie. It’s Bride of Frankenstein meets Sunset Boulevard! I pitched the concept to Mackler and he let me rewrite it.”
As for his changes, he stated, I’ve never really been a true fan of blood, guts and gore so when I was writing I tried to weave in all these themes of vanity, addiction, obsession and greed. I really wanted to make it my own movie—something really heartfelt and dramatic.”
Ruth Warren (Jessica Dublin, who was in Trinity Is Still My Name; So Sweet, So Dead; Fragment of Fear; Sex of the Witch; Death Steps In the Dark and much later Troma’s War) is a rich actress who has aged out of leading roles. Dr. Gregory Ashton (John MacKay) has been working for her in an attempt to make her young again. He’s running out of time, as she’s grown frustrated by a lack of results.
His new formula needs testing but she takes it, amazed at the results and becomes a younger woman by the name of Elizabeth Warren (Vivian Lanko). What she didn’t know before she took the formula is that it was based on parts of human brains and she must constantly be given those pieces of mind, so to speak, or she will transform into a monster that is chronically hungry for brains, more brains.
It’s never been released on DVD or blu ray, which is shocking when you think that it’s exactly the kind of movie that Vinegar Syndrome puts out. It’s not just a cheap direct to video film, though. It is filled with heart and characters that you start to care about along with sequences filled with goopy FX that stand up to anything else from the late 80s.
Plus, it has an appearance by the Poison Dollys, an all-female heavy metal band from Long Island. Members Gina Stile, Gail Kenny, Mef Manning and Roulette started as a cover band but added originals as time went on and worked with Kip Winger. One of their songs, “Love Is for Suckers” was recorded by Twisted Sister.
Gina Stile left Poison Dollys to form Envt with her sister Rhonni and was in Vixen from 1997 to 2001. She also played in Ban Animals, a Heart tribute band along with Marco Mendoza, Yngwie Malmsteen drummer John Macaluso and Great White bassist Teddy Cook.
How did I never see Rejuvenatrix until now?
Jones looks back on this movie with some sadness: “I’ve always been quite disappointed it never got the exposure or recognition I feel it deserved, even though it has developed its fans from those lucky enough to have seen it. The reviews and the fact it did OK on video… I probably should let it go but I’ll always hold a grudge for that SVS guy who didn’t understand the genre or its fandom and realize the potential of what he had.”
You can ready Matty’s interview at his amazing site, The Schlock Pit.
April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 26 and 27, 2024. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included) for an additional $15 per person. You can buy tickets at the show but get there early and learn more here.
One could be cynical and point to 1981’s Galaxy of Terror as a blatant cash grab, an Alien clone that pushes itself into squeamish territory that its inspiration only hinted at. You could see it as a disgusting piece of exploitation movie making, filled with faded stars. Or you could just realize that life can be a mysterious, amazing, wonderfully rewarding experience and that a movie can start off ripping something off and become its own gloriously weird and magical thing. Obviously, I’m in the latter camp. And if you aren’t, jump off this ride to Morganthus right now, bub!
Written and directed by Bruce D. Clark and produced by Roger Corman for around $700,000, this is no big budget affair. But it’s a film that uses footage from previous Corman efforts, notably Battle Beyond the Stars, to great effect. And it’s also a proving ground for the talent that would lead the science fiction genre throughout the following decade. James Cameron is the art director, providing some intriguing sets and interesting gore replete with maggots. And of all people, the late and oh so lamented Bill Paxton served as the set decorator, previous to his career as an actor.
Galaxy begins by showing the last survivor of a downed ship being tracked down and killed as he tried to run away with what looks to be a car muffler. We learn that this is all part of a game played between Mitri and the Planet Master, who keeps his identity hidden. They speak of plans being set into motion and sending another ship, The Quest, to its doom.
The ship’s crew is led by Captain Trantor (Grace Zabriskie, Sarah Palmer of Twin Peaks, as well as The Grudge and Child’s Play 2), who has survived an epic disaster which has rendered her unstable and quite possibly a danger to her entire crew. This point is hammered home as the moment the ship is close to Morganthus, it crash lands on the planet’s surface.
Also on board are:
Alluma (Erin Moran of TV’s Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi), a psychic sensitive.
Team leader Baelon (Zalman King, who would go behind the camera to steam up the scream with his Red Shoe Diaries series, as well as production (and at times, direction) duties on films such as Two Moon Junction, Wild Orchid and 9 ½ Weeks), who is a complete dick to one and all.
Quuhod, a mute crewmember and master of the throwing crystal (Sid Haig, who may be my real father. Honestly, if you’re on this site and have no idea who Sid Haig is, life has led you down a dark, dismal path. I’d suggest you stop reading now and go watch Spider Baby or House of 1000 Corpses or Coffy or The Big Bird Cage and so on and so on).
Cabren, the film’s hero, who seems to be the coolest head (and best mustachioed) on the ship (Edward Albert, son of Green Acres star Eddie Albert).
Dameia (Taaffe O’Connell, New Year’s Evil), the technical officer.
Commander Ilvar (Bernard Behrens, The Changeling), the overall team leader.
Ranger, a crew member (Robert Englund, again, if you need a lesson on the importance of this fine actor, your priorities need some serious evaluation).
One by one, the team faces their own fears as they explore the planet. Those fears include all manner of gory, horrific deaths. To satisfy the demands of the film’s backers, one of those horrific moments includes a sex scene with the buxom O’Connell, but the results are probably not what any of those backers ever dreamed they wanted. Her fear of sexuality and fantasy of submitting to something more powerful than herself leads to a gigantic maggot having a prolonged, fully nude sex scene complete with simulated intercourse, as she gets covered in slime and enjoys an orgasm so great that it kills her. Seriously — this is either the scene where you wonder aloud about Galaxy of Terror’s sheer lunacy or walk out of the room in disgust. There is no middle ground.
Finally, it’s revealed that this is all a cosmic child’s game and the Master must be replaced by one of the crew. I’ll leave it up to you to watch this film and enjoy the ending for yourself.
It’s worth noting: As Alien gave way to Aliens, an alum of this film, Cameron, would be at the helm. However, there would be no giant maggots or Sid Haig dancing around in a jumpsuit. If you ask me, we’re all the worse for that.
Also known as Planet of Terrors and Mind Warp: An Infinity of Terror, Galaxy demands to be viewed. Be warned – this is exploitation filmmaking at its most exploitative. It’s a scuzzy, scummy film and may not be for all tastes.
April Ghouls Drive-In Monster-Rama is back at The Riverside Drive-In Theatre in Vandergrift, PA on April 26 and 27, 2024. Admission is still only $15 per person each night (children 12 and under free with adult) and overnight camping is available (breakfast included) for an additional $15 per person. You can buy tickets at the show but get there early and learn more here.
After the Star Wars became an international sensation, Luigi Cozzi (the batshit insane Hercules movies with Lou Ferrigno, Contaminationand more) was able to round up a decent budget to make a film called Empire of the Stars, which eventually became this film. Cozzi battled against food poisoning of the cast and crew and even a Communist worker revolt which led to the movie being held for ransom to deliver a film that doesn’t look anything like Star Wars. Nope, Starcrash is the very definition of what I love in a film, a movie that takes inspiration from one source and then piles on the crazy and weird to bring you something you’ve never quite seen before. Maybe that’s because Cozzi never saw Star Wars and only read the novelization of the film!
In a galaxy far, far…yeah. You know what I mean. Anyways, Count Zarth Ann (Joe Spinell — yes, Frank Zito from Maniac is playing Darth Vader and if that instantly doesn’t tell you why this is such a great movie, not much else will) is taking over the galaxy with his giant fist shaped spaceship. Already, I love this movie more than anything that will come out this year.
Stella Star (Caroline Munro, Faceless,Slaughter High, The Spy Who Loved Me, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Dracula A.D. 1972, Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter…can you tell that someone likes Ms. Munro?) and Akton (Marjoe fucking Gortner, a former child preacher that exposed the faith healing racket in 1972’s Oscar-winning documentary Marjoe, as well as recording the album “Bad, but not Evil” and appearing in The Food of the Gods and Mausoleum…can you tell someone likes Mr. Gortner?) discover a body in hibernation as they go through some space wreckage, but are caught by the Imperial Space Police’s Sheriff Elle (a robot with a voice straight out of a spaghetti western) and the green-skinned Chief Thor (Robert Tessier, who formed Stunts Unlimited with director Hal Needham) and sentenced to life on separate prison planets.
Stella breaks out of her sentence almost immediately and is recaptured by Elle and Thor, who also have Akton. The Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher Plummer, who shot all his scenes on a sound stage in a few days, saying “Give me Rome any day. I’ll do porno in Rome, as long as I can get to Rome.”) thanks them for recovering the survivor. He informs them of his battle with Zarth Arn and asks for their help in finding his weapon and two other escape pods — one of which may contain his son.
A quick note — only Marjoe Gortner, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Plummer and Joe Spinell dubbed their voices (Spinell also worked as a dialogue coach on the set) due to budgetary concerns. That’s why Elle is played by one actor (Judd Hamilton) and voiced over by another (Hamilton Camp). And it’s also why the English-speaking Caroline Munro has the voice of Candy Clark (Gortner’s wife at the time)!
The film turns into a series of adventures — much like a movie serial — where our heroine goes from planet to planet, battling all manner of creatures and races. Like a world full of Amazons that have a gigantic female robot — in glorious stop-motion — that fires a giant sword as it menaces Elle and Stella. Or Thor revealing himself to be Zarth Arn’s Prince of Darkness and stranding everyone on a snow planet where Elle sacrifices himself by giving his body temperature to save Stella (Elle’s line “Now, maybe it’s time to use your ancient system of prayer and hope that it works for robots as well” is one of the most poignant I’ve heard in a movie. Forget for a second that this is a low budget space opera and just indulge yourself in the pathos!)!
Actually, Thor never gets the chance, as Akton straight up murders him and then brings Elle and Stella back from the dead.
Finally, our heroes discover the location of the third pod, but are attacked by Zarth Arn’s red field. As they land and inspect the pod, cavemen attack and tear Elle to pieces. However, a man in a gold mask fires laser bolts from his eyes and saves them. That man is the Emperor’s son, Prince Simon (holy shit, it’s David Hasselhoff!) and Akton comes back and uses a laser sword (not a lightsabre) to take out the rest of the cavemen. But there’s bad news — this is the Count’s planet!
Guards capture everyone and the Count reveals his plan to lure the Emperor here and blow up the planet with him on it. He leaves and orders several robots to keep watch. Akton fights and destroys them, but is mortally wounded. Before he dies, he explains that he has accepted his fate, a really strange speech in a movie that is filled with such science fiction action. It’s like a Zen koan inside a box of sugary breakfast cereal.
The Emperor arrives and uses a green ray to stop time, saving everyone, as he says, “You know, my son, I wouldn’t be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn’t have some powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!” Yes, Starcrash has some of the most ridiculous dialogue ever and I could not be happier about it.
A huge space battle breaks out, with rockets filled with suicide troopers and explosions and planets being threatened and the Emperor deciding to ram his ship, the Floating City, into the Count’s ship to kill them both. However, Elle has been repaired (“It’s so nice to be turned on again.”), which means he and Stella volunteer to do the suicide mission…which they survive.
Simon picks up our heroes and the Emperor gives this speech, another reminder of Starcrash’s power of language: “Well, it’s done. It’s happened. The stars are clear. The planets shine. We’ve won. Oh. Some dark force, no doubt, will show its face once more. The wheel will always turn; but for now, it’s calm. And for a little time, at least, we can rest.”
Sadly, Cozzi planned a sequel to the film titled Star Riders, which would have starred Klaus Kinski, Nancy Kwan and Jack Rabin. And it’s $12 million dollar budget was to come from Cannon Films! I weep for what has not been! And Escape from Galaxy 3 is also known as Starcrash 2, using tons of footage from the original and it has a heroine named Princess Belle Star.
Starcrash holds fond memories for me, because I saw it on a double bill with tomorrow’s film, Battle Beyond the Stars, at the Spotlite 88 Drive-In Theater. I vividly remember my dad laughing through most of the movie, but really liking the part where the rockets were fired into the Count’s ship and men jumped out of them. For the next several months, I thought more about these two films than Star Wars — we still had another year to go before The Empire Strikes Back as this was in the days before constant Star Wars-related media.
BONUS: Here’s the podcast episode I did for this movie:
B&S About Movies 