EDITOR’S NOTE: Beyond Evil was on the CBS Late Movie on April 24, 1986 and March 4, 1987.

Architect Larry Andrews and his new wife Barbara (horror movie super couple John Saxon and Linda Day George; if these two ever had a child it would either be a demon or a gleaming golden angel) have moved to a small island off the coast of the Philippines. Del (former minor league baseball player Michael Dante; he’s also in The Farmer and was introduced to acting by John Wayne), Larry’s business partner, had promised them a brand new condo. Instead, they’re moving into Casa Fortuna, the haunted former home of Esteban and Alma Martín (Janice Lynde), who died after a fight started by Alma’s obsession with the occult.

Within what seems like minutes, next door neighbors and psychic surgery experts Dr. Solomon (David Opatoshu) and his wife Leia (Anna Marisse) warn Larry that Alma wants his young bride’s body for her own. At the same time, Barbara is luring Del into the home with promises of sex and then shoving him off the balcony.

You know what this movie needs? An exorcism. Well, it gets it.

Herb Freed is kind of a forgotten king. I mean, the dude made Haunts, Graduation Day and Tomboy, which are three other movies I watch all the time. He wrote the script with producer David Baughn and Paul Ross.

You can watch this on Tubi or order it from Vinegar Syndrome.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Holocaust 2000 was on the CBS Late Movie on February 29, 1984.

Of all the things the devil’s done, I wonder exactly how he was able to get Kirk Douglas — KIRK DOUGLAS! — to be in an Alberto De Martino ripoff of The Omen? I mean, this is the same director who made The Antichrist and Miami Golem! What horrifying secrets does the First of the Fallen have to make one of the lead actors of Hollywood’s Golden Age appear in this burst of Satanic majesty?

Holocaust 2000 (AKA the Chosen and Rain of Fire) was written by De Martino, Michael Robson and Sergio Donati, who wrote some of the script for Once Upon a Time In the West and Duck, You Sucker! as well as Orca, early Arnold vehicle Raw Deal and the original version of Man On Fire.

You gotta hand it to Robert Caine (Douglas). No matter how many people protest, no matter the fact that his wife was stabbed in front of him at a party or the killer went nuts in a mental institution and sliced his own wrists in front of him, he’s not giving up his plan to build a nuclear power plant near a sacred cave in the Middle East.

He soon learns that he has bigger problems. His son Angel (Simon Ward, The Monster Club) is the Antichrist and the plant he wants to build looks just like the evil beast that the Whore of Babylon will ride at the end of the world.

Seriously, after a bit of crumpet, Caine falls asleep next to his way too young new girlfriend (Agostina Belliand, who was in the original Scent of a Woman) watches the nuclear plant rise from the sea, with multiple heads rising from the currents.

An Italian and UK co-production, this movie also features Ivo Garrani (Bava’s Black Sabbath) as The Prime Minister, Alexander Knox (who nearly won an Oscar for 1944’s Wilson before his liberal views got him chased out of Hollywood during the McCarthy era), Adolfo Celi (who wasn’t just Emilio Largo in Thunderball, he was also the Captain in Live Like a Cop, Die Like a Man and the villainous Ralph Valmount in Danger: Diabolik), Geoffrey Keen (Minister of Defence Frederick Gray in six James Bond movies and one of the three noblemen using Dracula in Taste the Blood of Dracula), Peter Cellier (Sir Frank Gordon from Yes, Prime Minister), Denis Lawson (Wedge Antilles!) and Tony Clarkin, who played a stormtrooper in the second and sixth Star Wars movies, as well as appearances in The Monster Club as a vampire and Outland.

In Europe, this movie ends with Caine living in exile with his newborn child, as Angel begins developing the plant intended to cause Armageddon. But in the U.S., Douglas returns to his company and blows everybody up real good.

You can watch this on Tubi.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Devil’s Rain was on the CBS Late Movie on November 2, 1979, August 13, and October 24, 1980.

The Devil’s Rain! is a movie that could only have been made in 1975. It united old Hollywood royalty, television stars, the visionary director of The Abominable Dr. Phibes and the Church of Satan in the Mexican desert.

It is not a perfect movie. You can’t even say that it has plot holes, as that would require something of a coherent plot — a fact director Robert Fuest was all too aware of. On the sparkling commentary track that accompanies the new Blu-ray release from Severin (picked up from the Dark Sky DVD release), he speaks about discussions with the writers (Gabe Essoe, James Ashton and Gerald Hopman, whose only credit is co-producing Evilspeak, so one assumes that he is Satan) where they assured him that the script made perfect sense. While Fuest claims that he did what he could to clear up his issues with the film, a movie that effectively decimated his promising directorial career emerged.

But you know what? I embrace plot holes the way some critics hold dearly onto their Criterion collection films and back issues of Premiere. There’s no way I can be objective about The Devil’s Rain! The only box it doesn’t check for me is a disclaimer stating that it’s based on a true story.

The film begins with close-ups of Bosch’s painting The Garden of Earthly Delights, along with the wails of the damned as they gnash their teeth in Hell. Then, we’re dropped into the lives of the Preston family, who have suffered under a curse for hundreds of years.

Turns out that at some point in the 18th century, the family screwed over Jonathan Corbis (Ernest Borgnine, Escape from New York), a Satanist who was eventually burned at the stake. He had a book containing the souls of all he had damned, which was stolen by Martin Fyfe (William Shatner, who I don’t need to tell you anything else about). Before he dies, Corbis vows revenge on the Fyfe family, which changes its name to Preston. He’s been stealing them one by one, selling their souls to Satan and trapping them in the devil’s rain. They then become living wax figures with melting eyes and black robes.

That’s how we meet Steve Preston, the leader of the family, who has escaped Corbis to warn his wife  (Ida Lupino, an actress (and director) known for noir classics like The Bigamist and On Dangerous Ground. She often referred to herself as the poor man’s Bette Davis, as she was usually offered the parts that Davis had turned down. She refused those parts so many times that Warner Brothers suspended her, so she used that time to learn the craft of directing on set. As roles for her slowed, she became the second female director admitted to the Director’s Guild, following Dorothy Arzner, the sole woman director of Hollywood’s “Golden Age.”) and son, Mark (also Shatner). As the old man tells them to return the Book of Souls, he melts in the rain.

So what does Mark do? He takes the book directly to Corbis, challenging him to a battle of faith in the desert. That battle quickly turns into Mark trying to escape, but Corbis’ disciples are too much for him. He shows a cross to the priest, who transforms it into a snake before using a ritual to erase Mark’s memory in preparation for a major ceremony.

Oh, the 1970s — when your main character gets wiped out minutes into a movie because he has to leave town for a three-day Star Trek convention in New York. That really happened, and I have no idea if that was why Shatner went from hero to geek in such record time.

Mark’s older brother Tom (Tom Skerritt, Alien) and his wife, Julie, must save the day. Oh yeah — they also have Dr. Sam Richards (Eddie Albert from TV’s Green Acres) along for the ride, as he’s a psychic researcher.

Finding Corbis’ church, Mark watches the ceremony that converts his brother into a wax follower. Anton LaVey shows up under a hood, and Corbis turns into a goat, which is an event that sent me scrambling through our living room in a paroxysm of glee. The Severin release also contains interviews with the Church of Satan’s High Priest Peter H. Gilmore, High Priestess Peggy Nadramia and LaVey’s wife and biographer Blanche Barton, all of whom share anecdotes of the Black Pope’s time on the set (indeed, it seems to be a madcap time by studying the photos they show, with LaVey in a jaunty leather cap smiling like a child on Walpurgisnacht) and input on the film. He’s nearly caught but also discovers that the source of Corbis’ power is the devil’s rain, a glass bottle containing the souls that the priest has captured.

But wait — if he has the devil’s rain, why did he need the book? If he came back to life, why does he need revenge? Look — perhaps these questions will derail your enjoyment of The Devil’s Rain! But not me.

During the final battle — the film moves incredibly fast, making ninety minutes feel like half an hour — the devil’s rain is destroyed by Mark, who finds his lost humanity. Then, it starts to rain.

I love how the advertising for this film states that this is “absolutely the most incredible ending of any motion picture ever!” They aren’t lying. Corbis and his followers melt for nearly ten minutes of special effects, turning into piles of goop. It’s over the top and ridiculous and extraneous and totally awesome. I use This kind of scene to determine if I can be friends with someone. If you dismiss it, you’ll never share a beer with me.

Producer Sandy Howard (who also was responsible for Meteor, Blue Monkey and the A Man Called Horse series) based his whole ad campaign around the end of the film, so he took over the final cut to ensure that this sequence would last and last.

Tom and his wife — whose ESP is the sole reason we can see the flashbacks to know why Corbis is doing what he does — make it out alive, but as he embraces his wife, we see that he’s really hugging Ernest Borgnine! Where’s his wife? Trapped in the devil’s rain, in a scene that comes back at the end of the credits that is harrowing as she looks out into the darkness with no hope.

Is The Devil’s Rain! a good movie? Well, that depends on your perspective. Despite the flimsy plot, Fuest succeeds at delivering plenty of pure weirdness and gorgeous visuals. And there’s so much talent on the screen — I didn’t even mention that this is one of John Travolta’s first films and that Keenan Wynn (Piranha, Laserblast) shows up as the sheriff.

Plus, like all 70’s occult movies, plenty of legends are behind the film. Like Ernest Borgnine claiming that there were so many accidents on set that he’d never work on a Satanic fmovieagain. Or he was saying that the Mafia produced the film and that he was never paid. Cinefantastique magazine even wrote that Fuest had suffered a nervous breakdown during the making of the movie, a fact he disputes on the commentary track. And LaVey claimed that he did a special success ritual for Travolta.

PS – Here’s the link to a June 1975 Argosy interview with LaVey during the filming of The Devil’s Rain! where he discusses buying the panties of “MGM’s most famous stars- from Greer Garson to Liz Taylor – with the labels still on them,” being minimized on movie sets and Ernest Borgnine accepting an honorary priesthood.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Valley of the Dolls was on the CBS Late Movie on October 25, 1974 and May 9 and September 1, 1975.

I love this movie. I can’t deny it. I won’t say that it’s a guilty pleasure. I have no beliefs that this is a great movie or that it’s a classic. I just love it. I quote from it all the time. I wish that I could live in the world of the film.

Jacqueline Susann. It’s thanks to you that I know just how bad dolls are.

Three young women are out to make it in the big bad world.

Neely O’Hara (Patty Duke) has talent, if she can just stay off the pills. She’s in the big bad world of Broadway, where she runs up against arrogant legend Helen Lawson (Susan Hayward).

Jennifer North (Sharon Tate) is gorgeous but doesn’t have the talent. She’s stuck in the chorus.

Anne Welles (Barbara Parkins) is an ingenue who has arrived in New York City to work in the theatrical agency that represents them.

Of course, the dolls — which are the barbiturates Seconal and Nembutal and various stimulants — are all too much for everyone. Neely becomes a diva and cheats on her husband with fashion designer Ted Casablanca, but when she puts her career before him, he leaves her. Eventually, her career goes into the skids because of all the drugs she’s on and she gets committed to a sanitarium.

Jennifer also heads to Hollywood, where she falls for nightclub singer Tony Polar, who has Huntington’s Chorea and ends up in the same asylum as Neely. She also has an abortion and to pay for her man’s care ends up doing French art films, which really means nudie cuties.

Anne falls for a guy named Lyon and she starts a new career as a model, but he gets stolen from her by Neely, fresh out of the sanitarium and ready to get on the make. Of course, she falls right back into the loving embrace of all them dolls. She also gets into a catfight with Helen Lawson and flushes her wig down the toilet, which is a moment that I always pause and get on my hands and knees and thank God that this movie was made.

She then hits rock bottom, has sex with a stranger and watches him rob her. That’s nothing — Jennifer’s mother can’t deal with her softcore films and won’t support her when cancer strikes. She commits suicide with all them dolls.

Anne gets on them too, but she decides to kick the habit and move back to New England. Lyon comes to try and win her back, but she walks away, out of his life for good.

No one leaves Valley of the Dolls unchanged.

Judy Garland was originally cast as Helen Lawson, but was fired when she reportedly came to work all messed up. She would have brought some real know-how of this world to that role. After all, Neely was based on her, as well as a little bit of Betty Hutton and Frances Farmer. She still got paid and loved the sequined pantsuit she was to wear in the movie so much she didn’t just keep it; she had costume designer Travilla make her duplicates.

Patty Duke brought plenty of know-how when it came to drugs, too. She had become addicted to drugs because her guardians gave them to her to make her a better actress.

Of course, this all led to probably my favorite movie of all time, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, which was filmed while the studio was being sued by Jacqueline Susann. Obviously, this Roger Ebert written and Russ Meyer directed film is a completely different and much crazier movie, if that’s possible. Her estate won $2 million in damages years after her death. That’s good, because she believed that even this movie was “a piece of shit.”

A lot of the more risque parts of her book never made it into the film, like Jennifer’s attempting to become a lesbian, Ted Casablanca’s homosexuality and Tony’s love of anal sex. Of course, there are plenty of mentions of the hard g “f word” throughout the film.

There were also two TV series made from this movie. 1981’s Jacqueline Susann’s Valley of the Dolls, had James Coburn, Catherine Hicks, Lisa Hartman, Gary Collins, Bert Convy, one-time wife of Robert Evans Camilla Sparv, Tricia O’Neill from Are You In the House Alone? and Britt Ekland. There was also another 1994 version called Valley of the Dolls which had Carol Lawrence as Bernice Stein (she was also Miriam on the 1981 series), Sally Kirkland, Melissa De Sousa and Sharon Case.

Director Mark Robson, who also was behind the movies Peyton Place and Earthquake — as well as an assistant editor on Citizen Kane and The Magnificent Ambersons and an editor on Cat People and I Walked With a Zombie — was rough as hell on the actresses in this movie. Sharon Tate was the one he directed most of his rage at, but even years after his death, Patty Duke would refer to him as “a mean son of a bitch.”

Famous science fiction writer, noted crank and one of my heroes, Harlan Ellison was the original screenwriter of this film. He was upset at the softened ending of the film and demanded that his name be taken off of it. Hollywood never really treated Harlan all that fairly, between stealing two of his Outer Limits episodes for Terminator and him getting fired from Disney within a few hours thanks to an impression of Mickey, Minnie and Donald having barnyard coitus.