I saw the first trailer for this movie and purposefully avoided any other reviews or spoilers, which was difficult, as this seems to be all that Film Twitter is talking about. The idea of the trailer — someone is turning children into people who their parents can’t recognize and need to kill — was intriguing.

So if you want to go into this like I did, spoiler free, stop reading now. I won’t be mad.

FBI agent Lee Harker (Maika Monroe) is able to find a suspect’s home without any other evidence. This leads to her being tested for psychic abilities and she’s able to divine the truth about half the time, which come to think of it, is a batting average that would get you into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Her superior officer,  Agent Carter (Blair Underwood) assigns her to his most puzzling case. A series of murder suicides have been happening for more than a decade. In each case, the father kills the wife and children and then kills himself. Family annihilators aren’t new. What is is that each crime scene has a letter in code from someone named Longlegs. This handwriting doesn’t match any victim yet there is no evidence that another person was ever in the home.

Each father also had a nine-year-old daughter born on the fourteenth of the month. The murders happened within six days before or after the birthday and form a sigil when laid out on a calendar with only one date missing to finish this occult shape.

The only survivor of Longlegs is Carrie Anne Camera (Kiernan Shipka) and she’s been in a mental home, silent for years. She recognizes Harker and gives her a clue to find her doll, which was an exact duplicate of her at nine along with a metal brain inside that the coroner claims had the voice of his ex-wife.

At this point, the FBI should realize that the killer — who has been sending letters to Harker and even broken into her home once, giving her the clues she needs to decode his language — knows too much about Harker, who already seems brittle and unable to deal with the case. They keep her on, even when they learn that her mother called the police about a man matching the look of Longlegs years ago and that Harker has a Polaroid of the man, which they use to soon arrest him.

Alright: I have to break from the narrative for a second and ask some questions.

Code and cyphers are cool. See Zodiac. See Se7en. See the real life Zodiac Killer.

However, the coded language in this movie is never really referred to again after Harker learns how to decode it. It never breaks anything in the case. It’s just cool.

Polaroids are cool, too. After years of pro wrestlers and strippers being the only ones to use them, they suddenly show up in a plenty of art and movies.

One Polaroid image of a man’s face is in no way enough evidence to find someone — they literally find Longlegs in seconds — much less enough physical evidence to keep him as long as they do.

And anyways, you should probably know that Longlegs is Nicholas Cage and his performance is wonderful but breaks the movie because other than the cinematography, nothing in it is as good as his over the top Tiny Tim in Blood Harvest acting. Then you wonder, why is the killer into T. Rex? Why does he make these dolls, which trust me, is the longest con ever. You have to get a creepy life-sized doll of a girl that looks exactly like her into the home and then have them play with it and then hope that she has a father, as well as being born on the ninth. It’s almost too much work until you get to the reveal.

Ah, the reveal.

Despite being a police procedural up until now, Longlegs has lived in Harker’s mother’s (Alicia Witt) basement and that he’s made her the accomplice, a nun who has never been mentioned in any of the police reports until the third act just lets you know that they make these metal-brained evil American Girl dolls with Satanic magic energy. I have to quote my friend Kris, who said, “Imagine if you watched all of Silence of the Lambs and you learn that Clarice’s mom used to bang it out with Hannibal Lecter.”

All of the metal brains seems Showtime Twin Peaks except that I expect that kind of thing from David Lynch and Twin Peaks is the epitome of horror police procedural and when it makes no sense at all, you demand that from it.

Now imagine investing time into a story and then you get a rug pull like this.

Anyways, in case you didn’t guess when you saw that Harker’s boss has a nine-year-old, you can see where this all ends up. You might think that one of the highest rated FBI agents in the country who has been working on a case for years about a man that kills girls age nine on the fourteenth of the month might have the deductive reasoning skills to figure that perhaps inviting an agent connected to his case is a bad idea, not to mention that maybe — just maybe — he and his family would be targeted.

Whoever did Neon’s marketing for this movie, creating the thebirthdaymurders.net website, the trailers, the 458-666-HELL phone number, the posters, it’s all great. Director Oz Perkins told IndieWire that NEON “really responded strongly to the movie, the raw materials of the movie really excited them, the way it looks, the way it feels, the way it sounds. They asked me early on, ‘Do we have your permission to kind of go nuts?’ And I said, ‘What else are we doing here? Go for it. Do your thing.””

The movie that they’re selling you is artifice. The outside of it looks so pretty, with long shots and takes that go on like a movie from another era, but then you’re reminded that it’s 2024 and most modern horror never sticks the landing. It’s not bad but isn’t it worse to believe that something could be great and it’s just average instead of figuring it’s average and not being disappointed?

For a movie that has been called the Silence of the Lambs for the 2020s, this has none of the actual story that backed up that film. The plot unravels as the holes become apparent with just a moment’s thought. As for the comparisons to Fincher, his iron grip of control and must be perfect realism wouldn’t have the 2007 version of The Price Is Right song play in a movie set in the 90s. Then again, Oregon rarely has lightning and thunder and that looks cool, so it’s in the movie.

I saw this at an Alamo Drafthouse and got trailers for Happy Birthday to Me and Brotherhood of Satan which put me in the headspace that I just might get a movie that I would like. But I’m just left with questions in this one and not the good kind of questions that intrigued me and wish I spent more time in the world of the film. I want things to be better and yes, yet again, I got caught up in the hype. You’d think I’d finally learn by now.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Armed and Dangerous was on the CBS Late Movie on October 27, 1989.

Mark Lester can do a buddy cop movie. But a comedy? A movie that starts with John Candy’s character sent up the river and Eugene Levy as the worst lawyer ever throwing himself on the mercy of a judge — Stacy Keach Sr.! — to keep the mob from killing him, with Candy in a Bill Murray role instead of the likable everyman?

If anyone can handle it, it’s Lester.

With no job prospects, Dooley and Kane (Candy and Levy) apply for work at Guard Dog Security, run by Captain Clarence O’Connell (Kenneth McMillan, Cat’s Eye) and supervised by Maggie Cavanaugh (an impish and delightful Meg Ryan).

Their first night on the job, some goons take advantage of them when lead guard Bruno makes our heroes take a break. He’s Tiny Lister, better known as Zeus from No Holds Barred and Deebo in the Friday movies.

This launches them on a quest to see who has set them up — again in Candy’s case — you get plenty of great casting to help the story move, a hallmark of Lester’s work. There’s Robert Loggia as corrupt union head Michael Carlino, Brion James and Johnathan Banks (both strangely with full heads of hair) as his goons, James Tolkan (Strickland from Back to the Future), Don Stroud (Stunts), Steve Railsback (Turkey Shoot) pretty much playing the same character as he did as Manson in Helter Skelter, Tony Burton (Duke from Rocky), Teagan Clive (yes, Bimbo Cop from Vice Academy 2 and The Alienator), Tito Puente, Judy Landers (Dr. Alien!), Christine Dupree (who was one of the models for the aborted video game Tattoo Assassins) and even a blink and you’ll miss him appearance by David Hess as a gunman.

You may watch this and say, “Robert Loggia has a nice, if familiar house.” That’s because Jed Clampett used to live there. The Sport Pit, the gym that gets messed up in the film, is also in the same strip mall that D-Fens shot up the phone booth in Falling Down.

By all accounts, this movie sounded like a mess to make. Originally written by Harold Ramis as a vehicle for Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi, it was resurrected by producer Brian Grazer.

Candy and Tom Hanks were cast, but Hanks dropped out, and Candy recommended Eugene Levy. Of all people, John Carpenter was initially attached to direct.

Ramis disliked the final film, saying: “It was not good. I tried to take my name off it. I took my name off in one place.” That said, he’s credited as a screenwriter, despite his demands.

As for Grazer, Lester demanded that John Candy call Meg Ryan a bitch in a scene. Candy refused, Lester walks and Grazer had to finish directing for the day. Keep in mind, this is an alleged story.

It’s an alright movie that moves fast enough. It doesn’t feel like Lester’s other films, but that may be because of studio pressures. I had difficulty locating a copy and the one I did find had Russian actors speaking over the English soundtrack, even reading out loud the credits. I think it made this a much better film.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Apple was on the CBS Late Movie on January 10 and June 12, 1986. I can’t understand how this was on CBS but there you go. 

The first time I saw The Apple, I was in the throes of losing my job and starting a new company and feeling lost. This is the movie that not only made me feel like I could go on, but inspired me to start writing more about films and why they mattered to me.

You know how everyone thinks Cannon put out some completely crazy movies? If you haven’t seen The Apple (also known as Star Rock), you haven’t seen their full power. Directed by Menahem Golan, this slice of sheer madness is a movie I use to test the resolve of anyone brave enough to watch movies with me.

The genesis of this film begins in 1975. Israeli rock producer Coby Recht was signed to Barclay Records and began to feel distrustful of show business. He worked it into a story with his wife Iris Yotvat and brought it to the attention of his longtime friend Menahem. After hearing the demos for the songs, the producer/director instructed Recht to go to Los Angeles immediately. They were making the movie.

Yotvat said, “That was marvelous. That was just fantastic to think that it was going to be a movie all of the sudden. It was just amazing.”

It wasn’t going to stay that way.

Recht and Yotvat lived in a villa that Menahem provided, writing six screenplay drafts in three weeks. As those drafts progressed, the story became more comical and less Orwellian. Soon, things were getting corny, out of touch and out of date. If you’ve seen any of the movies that Golan was involved in, you can see how that might be true.

After auditioning thousands of hopefuls, Recht settled on Catherine Marie Stewart for the lead role of Bibi. Who is a singer. Not a dancer, like Stewart. He figured she could learn, but the producers decided to have her voice dubbed.

Tensions only got worse once filming began, as what started as a $4 million dollar movie turned into $10 million and then more. Editor Alain Jakubowicz claimed that Golan shot around a million feet of footage, with six cameras of coverage for every dance number, ending up with a four-hour rough cut.

The movie got way bigger than its scriptwriters intended. Shooting in West Berlin lasted forever, with a five-day shoot for the opening number, the song “Speed” being filmed at the Metropol nightclub (which held the world record for biggest indoor laser show) and some scenes were actually shot inside a gas chamber that had killed people during World War II.

Nigel Lythgoe, who later was a big part of American Idol, choreographed the film, saying that some days were “really, really depressing” and others “very, very stressful.” The cast and crew hated the script, but here they were, making the film.

Menahem and Recht’s battles soon got worse. The writer felt he should be in London mixing the songs (the sessions had more than 200 artists involved), but Menahem demanded that he show up at the shoot. The first day he was there, he witnessed the uncut version “Paradise Day” which featured fifteen dinosaurs and a tiger that broke free and escaped. This scene also contained elephants getting their trunks stuck in the set, actors collapsing while wearing a too hot brontosaurus costume and a set that made it near impossible for people to dance on and cameras to move around. Removing this scene makes the Biblical end of the movie come out of nowhere. That’s right. None of this is in the film.

Catherine Marie Stewart has stated that none of this rattled Menahem. In fact, he was convinced that The Apple was going to be embraced: “Menahem was very passionate about what he was doing. He had very lofty ideas about the project. He thought this was going to break him into the American film industry. It had, you know, all the elements that he thought were necessary at that time. It was the early eighties and there were a lot of musicals. And Menahem thought that was his ticket into the American film industry.”

So what happened?

The plot is basically Adam and Eve meets Faust. Bibi (Stewart) and Alphie (George Gilmour) are contestants in the 1994 Worldvision Song Festival. They’re talented but easily defeated by the machinations of Mr. Boogalow (Vladek Sheybal, Kronsteen in From Russian With Love) and BIM (Boogalow International Music).

The evil leader soon signs the duo but they soon fall victim to the darkness of show business. Bibi is caught up in the drugs and sex and glamour, while Alphie is beaten by cops and nearly dies to save her. He also lives with a woman who is either his mother or lover or landlady and no one ever explains it to us.

Eventually, they escape and live as hippies, having a child. Mr. Boogalow finds them and claims that Bibi owes him $10 million dollars, but soon God, known here as Mr. Topps (Joss Ackland, The House That Dripped Blood, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey) takes them away in his Rolls Royce and the Rapture occurs.

There are numerous scenes where people put stickers, called BIM Marks, all over their faces. Everyone has camel toe. And the movie is nearly 100% disco.

The movie premiered at the 1980 Montreal World Film Festival. To say it did not go well is an understatement.

Attendees hated the film so much that they launched giveaway records of the soundtrack at the screen. Menahem was so devastated that he almost jumped off his hotel balcony before being saved by his business partner, Yoram Globus. A similar scene happened at its second premiere at the Paramount Theater in Hollywood.

The director said, “It’s impossible that I’m so wrong about it. I cannot be that wrong about the movie. They just don’t understand what I was trying to do.”

I get it, Menahem. You were just trying to get people to understand the power of love and music and being hippies a full decade after any of that mattered. You didn’t care if anyone else got it. You had a vision. And we’re not talking about any of those critics today. No, we’re talking about you. We’re talking about The Apple.

This is a movie that wears its heart messily all over its spandex crotch. The songs are ridiculous. The dancing is, at times, poor. The story makes no sense at all. You’re lucky to sit and witness it. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve watched it!

BONUS! You can hear Becca and me talk all about The Apple on our podcast.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Real Genius was on the CBS Late Movie on March 2, 1990.

I was lucky enough to have some teachers that cared back in high school. One of them was the only teacher who gave me a D in my entire history and believe it or not, I should thank him for it.

By ninth grade, I didn’t care at all about school. I went through the motions, I knew that I wanted to be an artist or something creative, and I couldn’t wait to escape my small town. Every decision felt like something I was committed to and just did to fit in or fulfill some set role: marching band being a major one of these decisions. One of my few joys was the computer club, where Mr. Brown would allow students to learn how to program at night, watch movies that he selected or just hang out. It’s where I first heard a dubbed tape of Metallica’s song “Orion,” which put me on a path to the music I enjoyed. And it’s where I watched two movies that I can remember — My Science Project and this film.

Mitch Taylor is 15 and already in college. He’s been fast-tracked to Pacific Technical University where the best and brightest minds develop weapons — unbeknownst to them — for slimy Professor Jerry Hathaway (all-time all-star asshole William Atherton).

Chris Knight (Val Kilmer, never better) was once like Mitch but has now become burned out on academics and would rather party. Hathaway assigns Mitch to lead his laser research team because he has fresh ideas, but he’s also hoping that he’ll kick Chris in the butt and remind him how he used to be.

The bad kids of the college — such as it is, they’re all nerds in this movie — try to beat on MItch, but Chris rallies to his aid and explains why he is like he is. There was once a student named Lazlo who was devoted to his experiments until he learned they were all being used for weapons research. He went insane and now he lives inside the walls of the college. Chris didn’t want the same thing to happen to him, so he now enjoys life more than college.

Chris and Mitch get on the same page and they form a team to get things done. Lazlo even shows up to help. Mitch even gets a girlfriend, Jordan (Michelle Meyrink, who soon left acting to be a Zen Buddhist), who became pretty much every girl I looked for from that moment on. Then I learned the truth: there aren’t many genius geek girls that look and act like Michelle Meyrink.

Hijinks ensue — as they should — with the team taking down Hathaway, including taking his assistant Kent’s car apart and rebuilding it inside his dorm room, then placing a radio receiver inside his teeth so he thinks he can hear the voice of God, which ends up being Chris. Also: the prank at the end with the laser exploding Jiffy Pop inside Hathaway’s house is truly the prank of all movie pranks.

That’s what I love about this movie — the heroes may be put upon, but never emerge as mean spirited or hurtful in their revenge. They’ve been treated badly but there’s no reason to perpetuate the pain. They just want to have fun.

This movie is packed with talent. There’s Yuji Okumoto, a few years removed from his amazing heel work in The Karate Kid Part 2. Lazlo, the man in the walls who ends up entering tons of contests and becomes rich, is another cameo star turn by the always surprising Jonathan Gries. Warhol girl Patti D’Arbanville shows up (interestingly enough, she was the inspiration for two Cat Stevens songs, “Lady D’Arbanville” and “Wild World”). Severn Darden – Kolp from the last two Planet of the Apes films — plays a professor. Dean Devlin — who would go on to write Universal Soldier, Stargate and Independence Day) — acts in this. And the Valley Girl herself, Deborah Foreman, shows up.

By the way — Lazlo’s multiple Frito-Lay contest entries is more than just a funny scene in this movie. It’s based on reality. In 1974, Caltech students Steve Klein, Dave Novikoff and Barry Megdal did the same thing to win a McDonald’s contest. They sent in around 20% of the total entries and walked away with a station wagon, $3,000 in cash and $1,500 in food gift certificates.

I also love that Lazlo has left this quote inside his tunnels: “Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain,” a translation of a quote from the German poet Friedrich Schiller. Seriously, what a strange and well-rounded character, but that’s the genius of this movie (and Jon Gries).

Between Valley Girl, National Lampoon’s Joy of Sex and this movie, Martha Coolidge sure had a great teen movie run in the 80’s. She went on to make the critically acclaimed Rambling Rose and still works today in TV.

Back to that D. Mr. Brown — that same computer club teacher — was the one who gave it to me. I was taking a programming class and didn’t study and thought because he was so friendly to us he’d cut me a break. He didn’t.

At first I felt betrayed and angry. But as I realized that I had coasted and not lived up to my full potential — and spent 6 weeks grounded with no computer and had to apply myself — I realized that he was right.

From then on, I changed out my classes so that I would take classes that would prepare me to be an artist and writer. I dropped out of band and even went to school in the summer so that I could take more electives. That D changed my life. It’s funny because I was one person away from graduating with honors and part of me could be mad about it, because I had worked so hard. But I wasn’t in the National Honor Society or graduating with the smart kids because of that D. And that was fine — I refused to peak in high school. Better things were on the way. I learned that thanks to that class, that teacher and yes, this movie.