This was Sherman Hemsley’s last movie and not his worst — Ghost Fever may be one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched and just drink in how bad that must make it — and also the sixth American Pie film.

It starts with Rob Shearson (Bug Hall, who was Alfalfa in the modern Little Rascals) masturbating with a sandwich, his dog eating it and him finishing in his mutt’s mouth. If you thought, “That having sex with a pie thing was racy,” bad news. He’s also in love with Heidi (Beth Behrs, who went on to be in 2 Broke Girls) who is ready to give it up to just about any guy, so you know, why not Rob?

His friends Nathan Kevin M. Horton) and Lube (Brandon Hardesty) are also virgins, bringing this back to the storyline of the original American Pie. This also has the Book of Love from that movie, which was originally written by Noah Levenstein (Eugene Levy).

I kind of like what they were going for in this, putting Curtis Armstrong in the cast as a teacher, Rosanna Arquette as Rob’s mom and even finding a role for Jim Wynorski. Hey — let him direct one of these! It also goes all in with a moose sodomizing someone, vacuum cleaner masturbation and an old sex worker dying mid-fellatio. This goes for it.

This was directed by John Putch, who was Sean Brody in Jaws 3D and David H. Steinberg, who also wrote Kindergarten Cop 2.

American Pie Presents: The Book of Love gets back to what makes these movies work, like featuring the hangout Dog Years and having sweetness along with the gross jokes. If you look closely at the signatures in the book in the movie, you can see the autographs of Jim Levenstein, Kevin Myers, Chris Ostreicher, Steve Stiffler, Dwight Stiffler, Matt Stiffler and Eric Stiffler.

One year after Amityville Scarecrow, Tina (Amanda Jade-Tyler) and Mary (Kate Sandison) are about to reopen the camp from the first movie, but there could be some evil still lurking about. In England. Not in New York. Yes, Amityville gets like that.

Directed by Craig McLearie (The Killing Tree) and written by Adam Cowie, the beginning of this movie is well shot and made me think that I was actually going to get a quality Amityville movie. Then, the talking begins and never seems to end and the Amityville Scarecrow never really does anything.

This movie is about trailer parks and the legal dealings of trailer parks and you know, I kind of want my Amityville movies to not be about human affairs but whatever. It’s better than the first one, but that’s like being constipated for a few days and then having non-stop diarrhea. They’re both bad and you don’t want go through them, but at least it’s some level of change.

I mean, I’m not going to stop pooping. And I’m not going to stop watching Amityville movies.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Despite the name, Cruel Intentions 3 has nothing to do with the original film, much less the sequel that was reedited from the canceled series. Instead, it has Kristina Anapau as Cassidy Merteuil, the cousin of the first movie’s Kathryn, who was played by Sarah Michelle Gellar. She’s caught up in the sexual schemes of roommates Jason Argyle (Kerr Smith) and Patrick Bates (Nathan Wetherington), which include revenge porn and sexual assault because…look, I don’t know. It seems like the rich think they can — and do — get away with everything.

The turnaround is that she wanted it and had pre-roofied herself and had been working with Jason to make their own bets. See, I saved you the time in your life that I have wasted.

This was directed by Scott Ziehl, who also made the direct-to-video Roadhouse 2, and written by Rhett Reese, who rose above this to make Zombieland, Deadpool and G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

This is an absolutely dreadful movie and when I die, I will do so lamenting the time I wasted watching it and so many other direct-to-video sequels.

You can watch this on Tubi.

They made a Cruel Intentions 2, I hear you say? Baby, they made three of them.

This was intended to be the Fox TV series Manchester Prep, a re-imagined prequel to the first film that was canceled before it even made it on the air in 1999. 13 episodes were ordered with original Cruel Intentions director Roger Kumble writing and executive producing the series, two were filmed and Rupert Murdoch himself was upset with all the incest, teenage sex and a scene with a female teen character was aroused by a horse’s penis.

Columbia TriStar Home Video repackaged the two existing episodes of the show as a direct-to-video film, but not before adding nudity and even more sex, including dialogue like “At this rate, your dick ll be in my mouth by lunch.”

Sebastian Valmont (Robin Dunne) has transferred to Manchester Prep following his father Edward’s (David McIlwraith) remarriage. Then he meets his new rival, his stepsister Kathryn Merteuil (Amy Adam, well before she was someone who starred in films and instead was playing sexy teens in Fox TV series) who warns him to stay out of her business. He then falls for Danielle Sherman (Sarah Thompson), the one girl — the only virgin in town — who he thinks is normal in this rich school filled with secret societies.

Man, how I wish this show had made it to TV because it is absolute trash and I say that with all the best of meanings. I actually prefer Dunne to Ryan Phillipe, but as good as Amy Adams is, she in no way can match the sheer menace that Sarah Michelle Gellar was so perfect at being a horrible person that one wonders if anyone can act that well.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Vegas Vacation is the first movie in the series not to be a National Lampoon movie or a John Hughes script, although the extent of his work on National Lampoon’s European Vacation was that they took ideas he didn’t use for National Lampoon’s Vacation and had to give him credit. He didn’t like that the series had turned into a star vehicle for Chevy Chase and heard about the movie in a trade after it was already being made.

Ethan Embry is the new Rusty and Marisol Nichols is Audrey, while Chase, Beverly D’Angelo, Randy Quaid and Miriam Flynn all return. So does Christie Brinkley, despite not being in the past few sequels. Hijinks ensue, this time in Sin City, as Clark becomes addicted to gambling, Rusty becomes high rolling Nick Pappagiorgio, Ellen gets chased by Wayne Netwon and Audrey becomes an exotic dancer with her cousin Vicki (Shae D’lyn).

Directed by Stephen Kessler and written by Elisa Bell and Bob Ducsay, this is a movie that wastes Sid Caesar in his last role and goes away from what made the two best movies — National Lampoon’s Vacation and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation — work. This has no basis in reality and instead is just a vehicle for schtick with no sentiment to make it memorable.

Directed by Raja Gosnell (Scooby Doo, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Never Been Kissed as well as the editor of the first two movies in this series) and written and produced by John Hughes, this was the first Home Alone movie not to feature actor Macaulay Culkin as Kevin McCallister or director Chris Columbus and composer John Williams. It was also the last movie in the series to actually play big screens.

Terrorists Peter Beaupre (Olek Krupa), Alice Ribbons (Rya Kihlstedt), Burton Jernigan (Lenny Van Dohlen) and Earl Unger (David Thornton, the husband of Cyndi Lauper) have taken a million dollar microchip and hidden it in a remote control car that has been given as a gift by old Mrs. Hess (Marian Seldes) to new protagonist Alex Pruit (Alex D. Linz) when he shovels her driveway. You can guess what happens next, right?

Home Alone 3 going to be made at the same time as Home Alone 2: Lost in New York but that idea didn’t happen. There was also the idea to have Culkin to return as a teenage Kevin but that didn’t occur either.

An 11-year-old Scarlett Johansson is Alex’s sister Molly which is, I guess, one thing to look out for while this movie just drags. Oh yeah — James Saito, Shredder himself, plays a crime boss.

This movie is not good but compared to where the Home Alone movies would go after this…

EDITOR’S NOTE: This was first on the site on December 16, 2017. This is not the worst Donald Trump movie. That would be Ghosts Can’t Do It. 

It’s been a year since Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) was left home alone. A year since Harry Lime (Joe Pesci, Casino) and Marv Merchants (Daniel Stern, the voice of Kevin from The Wonder Years) tried to rob his home and they went to jail. And a year since Kevin’s parents, Kate (Catherine O’Hara, Best in Show) and Peter (John Heard, Cat People, The Seventh Sign) forgot that most basic of parenting skills: keeping track of your kids.

No one has learned anything.

The film was written by John Hughes (pretty much the majority of 80’s movies were, as well) and directed by Gremlins scribe Christopher Columbus. It was 1992’s biggest film, earning $359 million worldwide on a $20 million budget. $20 million? Where did all that money go? For all the pizza? Actually, Culkin got $4.5 million for this!

A funny note: During the filming, Culkin asked Joe Pesci why he never smiled. Pesci told him to shut up and said, “He’s pampered a lot by a lot of people, but not me, and I think he likes that.”

We start in Chicago the McCallister family is preparing for another big Christmas vacation. Kevin has no interest in going to Florida, as he feels like it has nothing to do with the holiday. And an incident at a school pageant leads to him going to the third floor of the house. So you know exactly what’s going to happen: everyone runs late, Kevin gets left behind and he ends up going to New York City all by himself.

Once Kevin gets there, he uses his cunning to trick the Plaza Hotel staff into getting his own room. I’d say Tim Curry (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Shadow, Congo) deserves better than this, but his IMDB pages is replete with total pieces of shit. Throw in Dana Ivey (The Addams Family) and Rob Schneider (Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and who the hell spent so much time to make such a well-written Wiki page for him?) and Kevin gets pretty much everything he dreamed of. A giant room and bed all to himself, a limo ride and the chance to watch a movie he’d not be allowed to watch, the sequel to Home Alone’s film within a film, Angels with Filthier Faces. In fact, now you can have the experience for yourself at the actual Plaza Hotel.

Personally, I can’t watch Kevin without comparing him to Henry Evans, Culkin’s character in The Good Son. He cons and swindles everyone in his path while having saccharine sweet moments with a homeless woman who has pigeons and Mr. Duncan, the owner of one of those toy stores that you just know are going to be boring, packed with old-timey wooden toys and educational games. Fuck that. Bring us the G.I. Joe’s forthwith, Mr. Duncan!

Of course, Harry and Marv have escaped from prison and instantly run into Kevin, as if synchronicity has constantly kept them interconnected. And Curry’s character takes a near-pathological glee in kicking a young child out into the cold streets of the city (but not before Kevin scares the entire staff with the iconic “Merry Christmas, you filthy animal!’ scene from his TV).

Certainly, it all works out. Kevin foils the gang’s robbery of the toy store. He gets reunited with his family. He establishes a lasting bond with the homeless woman. And everyone gets plenty of toys (and Kevin gets $967 worth of room service, which buys you two chocolate cakes, six chocolate mousses with chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry ice cream topped with M&Ms, chocolate sprinkles, cherries, nuts, marshmallows, caramel syrup, chocolate syrup, strawberry syrup, whipped cream, and bananas, six custard flans, a pastry cart, eight strawberry tarts, and thirty-six chocolate-covered strawberries).

Watching this movie 25 years after its release, one sees crass consumerism everywhere. Coke products are in nearly every scene (taking the place of Pepsi in the original), the Talkboy was created by Tiger Electronics just for the movie and American Airlines was a sponsor of the film.

In a post 9/11 world, it’s amazing to see people just walk up to the gate and Kevin being able to board planes at will with no real ID or boarding pass. And I haven’t gotten to the Donald Trump cameo! I’ll end up doing a week of movies our former President has been in, including Ghosts Can’t Do It, Two Weeks Notice, 54 and The Little Rascals.

After The Naked Mile, Erik Stifler (John White) and his cousin Dwight (Steve Talley) are back as Erik finally makes it to college and, well, gets to be in cosplay Animal House. Erik has brought along his friend Mike “Cooze” Coozeman (Jake Siegel) and has already broken up with his girlfriend Tracy, so any of the reason for the last movie having tension are over. Now, it’s time to join Beta House and sleep with co-eds.

Unlike the other Stiflers, Erik is a nice guy and falls for Ashley Thomas (Meghan Heffern), a nice girl confirming that Erik is again not like everyone else. Cooze gets into her roommate Denise (Sarah Power) who gives handjobs instead of sex, so everyone thinks she’s transgender because 2007 was not all that very long ago. There’s also Bobby (Nick Nicotera), the gross-out friend who is supposed to have an equally non-attractive girlfriend, except that beauty standards have also changed since this was made and Margie (Christine Barger) is super cute and way more sex positive than any other woman in this movie.

Then the movie becomes Revenge of the Nerds and goes into a series of drunken games officiated by Noah Levenstein (Eugene Levy), reminding us that this is an American Pie movie.

This was directed by Andrew Waller and written by Erik Lindsay, who was also behind the script from The Naked Mile. Do you need to watch it? Do you have a Christopher McDonald Letterboxd list? Or are you just trying to watch bad sequels like me?

The second American Pie direct-to-video film, The Naked Mile is about Erik Stifler (John White), who has been given a pass from his girlfriend Tracy Sterling (Jessy Schram) as he goes to the University of Michigan to visit his cousin Dwight (Steve Talley) and take part in the Naked Mile, a party that involves people, well, running a mile naked and partying. If you were wondering, who comes up with that, it would be Jim’s father (Eugene Levy).

The Naked Mile is a real thing that used to happen at the University of Michigan from 1985 to 2000. Senior students would celebrate their last day of class by running or biking a course through campus. The school was upset that this event was destroying their reputation.

Directed by Joe Nussbaum and written by Eric Lindsay, the main humor in this comes from a fraternity made up of smaller people who end up sleeping with really attractive women. I realize that 2006 is centuries away from today, but this is also so many miles — naked or clothed — from the quality of the American Pie films.

This was shot in Ontario but yet has none of the feel of 80s Canucksploitation sex comedies like Recruits, State Park, Screwballs, Oddballs, Pinball Summer, Meatballs III: Summer Job, Screwball Hotel and — how can anyone forget this is part Canadian — Porky’s.