APRIL MOVIE THON DAY 3: Ghosts Can’t Do It (1988)

I don’t like the Razzies much, but I have to agree with them for once. Ghosts Can’t Do It won worst picture, worst director, worst actress and worst supporting actor for the artist who debuted here, Donald Trump. Trump and co-star Leo Damian were also nominated for worst new star, but that went to Sofia Coppola. In retrospect, that seems rather mean. Actually, it seems a lot mean because I’ve watched untold movies some would consider bad and this movie is without a doubt the very worst film I’ve ever seen.

Somehow, John Derek decided to make a movie worse than Bolero and Tarzan the Ape Man and I didn’t think he had it in him. But oh wow — he did.

Katie (Derek) and Scott (Anthony Quinn) are thirty years apart in age but have a fulfilling, sex-filled relationship. Unfortunately, he has a heart attack and learns that they can never horizontally dance again, so instead of looking into alternate therapy or a second opinion, he kills himself.

Julie Newmar plays his guardian angel, who is so bad at her job that she allows him to return to Eartha and come up with a plan where Katie will kill Fausto (Damian) and he’ll possess the body. This comes after she’s traveled the world and tried to find the perfect sex partner, all while running her husband’s business and wheeling and dealing against Trump, who plays himself.

The end of this? Fausto accidentally drowns and Scott is unable to possess Fausto’s dead body, yet when Katie revives him with CPR, Scott can possess him. Huh? I just watched this movie only to watch it change the rules in the end after hours of Anthony Quinn violently pissing all over his acting legacy in a performance that defines and goes beyond bad.

I mean, let’s look at the dialogue in this and imagine it in Trump’s bombastic tone and Bo’s stilted voice:

Donald Trump: Be assured, Mrs. Scott, that in this room there are knives sharp enough to cut you to the bone and hearts cold enough to eat yours as hors-d’oeuvres.

Katie O’Dare Scott: You’re too pretty to be bad!

Donald Trump: You noticed.

Also, if Katie’s last name is Scott, her dead husband’s name is Scott Scott?

The credits for this have this line: And Yes, That Really Was Donald Trump.

Are we to doubt that that is the man himself? Is it an android?

Also, one more time, this movie’s happy ending is an innocent man dying so that Bo Derek can keep on banging a man thirty years older than her who has spent most of the movie in a tube lit like a swimming pool bellowing dialogue while she refers to him as “Great man.”

You can watch this on Tubi.

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