So much of what I try to accomplish in exploring movies is to find the hidden, the moments that lie beneath the surface. To take what people have often labeled as trash, like genre films, and divine treasure. It’s my own alchemical way of trying to make life more than what it appears to be. To discover some meaning behind chaos and to celebrate art — the only thing we can leave behind. The disappearing moments that happen from the darkest of the dark to the first glimpses of dawn is when I generally watch films, with no other living person nearby. I find these moments of pure solitude nearly spiritual and these words you’re reading are pitiful attempts to transmute the pure joy I feel and share them with you as you read these electronic missives.

To me, magic comes in places you would not expect. And I live by one motto when people ask me about why I love the movies that I love. It comes from Frank Capra, the most populist of directors, whose simple stories helped Americans face the greatest issues that had ever come against our country. An immigrant to our shores who became one of its most celebrated storytellers, Capra was able to reach large groups of people, people with whom he could share his fables. He often used his art to explain how to find the strength to survive as a decent man in a corrupt world. And he’s part of a long tradition of story — and truth — tellers. I’ve always believed that the people that were considered mystics by our forebearers simply could remember and tell stories around the campfire (which — trust me — is a big part of The Otherworld, which we’ll get to in a minute). In reading a biography of Capra, I was struck by this: Capra “created mythical America of simple archetypes that with its humor, created powerful films that appealed to the elemental emotions of the audience. The immigrant who had struggled and been humiliated but perseveres due to his inner resolution harnessed the mythopoetic power of the movie to create proletarian passion plays that appealed to the psyche of the New Deal movie-goer.”

That quote that I live my life upon? “There are no rules in filmmaking. Only sins. And the cardinal sin is dullness.” I came to it by John Waters, but it’s true no matter what movie you apply it to. There is as much artwork in a film that you love, no matter who made it, than a film that has been awarded honors. Magic and art come from anywhere at any time and you need to take it when you find it, because life can often be marked by that sin of dullness.

Now that we’ve emerged from that introduction, we can get to discussing Richard Stanley’s The Otherworld — a film that is the exact opposite of dullness. Its concerns are magical and attempting to translate the struggles of the director’s life to the screen.

Stanley, a South African director and screenwriter, first came to my attention thanks to the controversy of 1996’s The Island of Dr. Moreau (which was well documented in 2014’s Lost Soul: The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley’s Island of Dr. Moreau). Long story short (and I recommend that you watch the film and read more about this, as it is amazing), Stanley spent four years developing the film only to have New Line continually fight his vision at every turn. I look at Stanley as a true artist, someone who was unwilling to deal with the mainstream Hollywood of today of meetings and focus groups and numbers versus casting flickering images of truthsaying onto modern cave walls. Most amazingly, after being released from the film that he had brought to life, Stanley would sneak onto the set of the troubled production dressed as one of the dog-human hybrids that Moreau had created. He had become fiction so that he could witness a real-life disaster first hand. Much like how the magician dreams of lead becoming gold, the true story became just as unreal as the tale that they were filming.

The Otherworld is an attempt by Stanley to explain the place where he lives — the French Pyrenees — and a moment in his life that even his art has not allowed him to fully translate to reality. This area is known as “The Zone,” a place of occult lore, thanks to ley lines, UFO sightings and Rennes-le-Château, a church rebuilt by 19th-century priest Father Bérenger Saunière. The strange tales of his wealth and secrets — some of them celebrated in a 1948 article and others used by a local merchant to build tourist interest in the area — led to 1982’s book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, which postulated that Saunière had the true Holy Grail — proof that Jesus Christ had survived the Crucifixion, married Mary Magdalene and had children — and used that to build his wealth. Other claims were that he had the actual body of Christ’s wife or a gateway to another dimension. Again — I could spend an entire website explaining more about Rennes-le-Château, particularly the insanity that the authors of The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail lost their plagiarism suit against Dan Brown, whose book The Da Vinci Code popularized these legends.

This area was also home to the Cathars, who the film postulates frightened the Christians that came here, as they placed women in positions of power, and the  Knights Templar, mystical Christian knights that were burned at the stake for blasphemy (or political and economic regions). Any genre fan will tell you that the Knights inspired The Blind Dead films. Again, I urge you to study more and learn of their complicated history.

Stanley meets magicians, sorcerers, tour guides and normal folks who have all been impacted by the place he calls home, never commenting on just how good of a grasp on reality his subjects have. At the heart of the film are two incidents where Stanley himself met a female presence, told through his actual words (and those of his wife). The recounting of their second meeting are incredibly interesting, as Stanley almost breaks down in tears describing what happened.

Two themes throughout this review are reflected within the film — the need for further research and the fact that reality is subjective. I get the feeling that Stanley could make hours of film about these subjects and never truly explain what has happened to him or his feelings. The Otherworld is an attempt, just as his other documentaries that appear on the second disk in Severin’s limited edition blu ray set (available here), were parts of him learning what would lead to this film. I’m intrigued to see what he does next, to be perfectly frank.

The camerawork is gorgeous, courtesy of cinematographer Karim Hussain, who added flair to 2015’s way better than I thought it would be We Are Still Here. There are some mind-melting images of night skies against the castle ruins which make me believe so many of the stories within this film. If they look like this on my TV screen, I cannot imagine seeing these vistas in real life.

There’s also a moment of pure synchronicity in the film, where Stanley discovers that a sorcerer in the area is using Lucio Fulci boxcovers to inform villagers that they are standing above one of the seven gates of Hell. I’ve always believed that there was more to Fulci’s films than simple gore. And for me, they’ve provided a gateway to other moviemakers, so seeing them show up here was a nice sign that my journey is on the right path.

Image from Stanley’s website, http://terraumbra13.blogspot.com

Often, I joke about who movies are truly made for, as so many of the films that we watch seem to have been created for an audience that was indifferent or may not have existed. I get the feeling that The Otherworld was made for Stanley himself, to explain (not exorcise) so many of the experiences that he has had. And it’s definitely for me, as it will be a film that I watch and meditate on more than several times. I can think of no higher praise than that.

What happens when you combine British portmanteau films, William S. Burroughs cut-up techniques, 1970’s philosophy, British men’s magazines like Mayfair and throw in a mummy? You get a sheer burst of pure insanity like Bizarre.

Also known as Secrets of Sex, the film starts with the story of a king who found his wife’s lover and trapped him in a chest. This theme of trapping lovers carries on throughout the film.

But never mind all that. Let’s meet our narrator — a mummy voiced by Valentine Dyall (The Haunting, Bedazzled and the voice of Count Karnstein in Lust for a Vampire). He’s here to tell us all about the battle of the sexes. Just listen to his words, as half-naked women and men fill the screen, one at a time: “Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine you were making love to this girl. Imagine you were making love to this boy. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine this boy was making love to you. Imagine this girl was making love to you. Imagine the consequences.”

We’re then on the front row of this battle, with women in underwear facing off with me grasping machine guns. The women have vegetables thrown at them as the men advance. One of the women, a blonde, stares down the men, who fall to her beauty before she removes a straight razor from between her legs.

Alright — let me be perfectly honest. Your ability to enjoy this film totally depends on the amount of drugs in your system, how late you’re watching it and your tolerance for 1970’s experimental filmmaking. If you’re been reading this site for any length of time, you know that this movie was pretty much made for me and sent forward 47 years into the future.

The vignettes that follow — two female photographers castrating a male model at breakfast, an old man that wants a son, a female burglar being caught by the owner of the house, a nerd trying to get Sue Bond (one of the longest running Benny Hill girls) to have a three-way with him and his lizard, the naked adventures of secret agent Lindy Leigh (a character actually from Mayfair Magazine), an old woman who has trapped men’s souls in flowers, an old man who wants a son from his young wife — don’t follow a true narrative structure all of the time. But that makes sense — one of the uncredited writers of the film, Brion Gysin, is credited with inventing the cut and paste technique, where random words are cut up and rearranged to create a new text. Sure, the Dadaists did this, too. But Burroughs always credits Gysin.

Finally, the armies amassed at the beginning have a big orgy (it’s mostly people rolling around on hay bales more than anything really all that pornographic).

Obviously, this movie was cut up — even after the cut-up technique — by censors. Nine minutes were taken from the UK cut and the re-edited U.S. version, Tales of the Bizarre, has seventeen minutes missing. It’s more bawdy than dirty, like the aforementioned Benny Hill with more bare breasts.

Bizarre was directed by Anthony Balch, a lifelong Bela Lugosi fan (he even met him during a 1950’s tour of the Dracula stage play) and distributor of European art films that he’s retitled with lurid aplomb, including 1971’s Satanic masterpiece of weird Don’t Deliver Us from Evil. He also created the sound version of 1922’s ode to witchcraft Häxan and directed Horror Hospital. By all accounts, Balch was an over the top burst of pure strange, walking all over the furniture and given to public outbursts. He even shows up in a cameo during the closing orgy.

I’m at a loss when it comes to describing this movie. It’s not sexy, in the way that what was once shocking now comes off as charmingly naive. It also wears its influences on its sleeve, displaying hip for 1970 books prominently on scenes, with the camera staring at the covers, as if to shout, “I read the books that I am supposed to!” It’s like a first-year college student with copies of Hermann Hesse, Albert Camus and Carlos Castaneda book all over the place in an attempt to impress whomever stops by their dorm.

Yet I can’t hate this movie. No, I mean, how can you? A dinosaur spies on a peeping tom. Shots of an airplane are intercut with a sex scene for no good reason. And above all else, a mummy — YES, A MUMMY — tells us all of the secrets of the war between the sexes in the most bored tone possible. Just look at the poster — DEAD FOR 1000 YEARS…HE ROSE FROM THE CRYPT TO REVEAL STRANGE AND SINISTER PASSIONS!

Throughout the 1990’s, Michele Soavi kept the traditions of Italian horror alive. Starting as an actor in films like Aliens 2: On Earth, City of the Living Dead, Demons and The New York Ripper, Soavi would also become an assistant director to greats such as Dario Argento (Tenebre, Phenomena), Lamberto Bava (Blastfighter and the previously mentioned Demons) and Terry Gilliam (The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and The Brothers Grimm). Finally, he’d graduate to creating his own films, including Stagefright, The Sect and The Church.

Cemetary Man is based on Tiziano Sclavi’s novel Dellamorte Dellamore (the best translation is “About Death, About Love”). Sclavi also created the comic book Dylan Dog, whose protagonist looks exactly like this film’s star Rupert Everett (and which was also made into a 2011 film).

Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett, My Best Friend’s Wedding) takes care of the Buffalora cemetery. He lives in a shack, with death and his mentally challenged assistant Gnaghi his only friends. Quite frankly, his life sucks. Young punks in town tell everyone he’s impotent. And his only hobbies are putting together a skull-shaped puzzle and crossing out dead people’s names in the telephone book.

That said, he has a hell of a job to do. The gates of the cemetery read “For those who will rise again,” and after a week, the dead rises from their graves, ready to kill the living. Francesco must kill them when they rise, even if no one wants to hear what a problem he’s facing. Again, the townspeople think he’s a moron, the mayor doesn’t care and, according to Franco, the town’s bookkeeper, he’d have to do a ton of paperwork if he really wanted the help.

While watching a funeral, Dellamorte falls in love with a widow. He waits for her to visit the graveside of her dead husband, then takes her on a tour of the grounds. As they have sex on the graves, her dead spouse rises and fatally bites her. Or maybe it’s a heart attack. Or maybe she isn’t even dead.  That said, seven days later, she also rises from the dead and Dellamorte must put her down as well.

Meanwhile, Gnaghi falls in love with the mayor’s daughter, Valentina. Even when she’s decapitated, he won’t fall out of love, instead digging up her head and starting up a romance. And the widow rises again, leading Dellamorte to believe that he was the one who killed her, not her husband. This causes him to either go insane or to begin seeing the truth, as the Angel of Death appears to him, begging him to stop killing the dead and only kill the living.

The widow has become the unattainable object of Dellamorte’s desire. He even tries to talk a doctor into removing his penis so that one aspect of her, the assistant to the new mayor (oh yeah, Valentina killed her dad when he shunned her new relationship) who is afraid of penetration, will fall in love with him. That relationship ends when she is raped, loses her phobia and marries her attacker.

Dellamorte then goes into town and kills anyone who said he was impotent. Meeting a prostitute in a bar, he realizes that she is also his unattainable love. He kills her and everyone in her apartment by setting it on fire.

Remember that bookkeeper, Franco? Well, he’s killed his whole family and the other murders that Dellamorte has done are all pinned on him. He drinks iodine to kill himself, but before he dies, Dellamorte visits. While visiting, he kills a nun, a nurse and a doctor, finally trying to confess to everything but no one will believe him.

Death reveals himself again and laughs that Dellamorte has not figured out what the difference between life and death is. So our hero packs up the car, grabs Gnaghi and tries to escape the town. As they race out of a tunnel, their car wrecks and Gnaghi is critically injured.

Dellamorte fears that the rest of the world has ceased to exist. He decides to kill himself and Gnaghi before his assistant is miraculously healed. He throws Dellamorte’s gun off a cliff and the two men decide to go back home.

If you’re looking for a narrative film that makes sense, this is not the movie. If you’re seeking a dream meditation of life, love and loss, then fire up your DVD player. Or streaming device, it is 2017 after all. Shot in a real abandoned cemetery, there are moments of poetic beauty and grace, like when the floating fool’s fire lights dance around the graves as Dellamorte and She make love. And there are also moments of abject horror and dread, as the film has an incredibly memorable personification of death.

Soavi would drop out of filmmaking to take care of his sick son in the late 1990’s, returning to work in television in the early 2000’s. Here’s hoping that he gets another chance to return to features, as Cemetery Man is everything I love about film — strangeness that is not easily accessible or categorized.

It doesn’t matter to me whether or not The Amityville Horror is truth or fiction. The truth is that the original film isn’t all that exciting. But the sequel? Holy shit — the sequel is pretty much everything you want in a movie — if you love movies filled with horrifyingly sick moments of glee.

Damiano Damiani, whose 1960’s and 1970’s western and crime output were marked by a streak of social criticism, directed this film from a screenplay by Tommy Lee Wallace (who not only played Michael Myers in the original Halloween, but would go on to direct Halloween III: Season of the Witch and the original version of It).

The film is actually a prequel, telling the story of the Montellis, who are based upon the DeFeo family. Anthony (Burt Young from Rocky) is the father of this brood. He’s rude, ill-tempered and ready to abuse everyone at a moment’s notice. If you’re looking for any family values — in fact, any values at all — you’re watching the wrong film.

He’s married to Dolores (Rutanya Alda, Carol Ann from Mommie Dearest), his long-suffering and very Catholic wife. They have four kids — Sonny, Patricia (Diane Franklin, Monique from Better Off Dead, as well as TerrorVision and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure), Mark and Jan. Even from the very beginning of the film, the family is on edge. Every single interaction between them is marked by weirdness before we even get into the occult portion of this film.

Things get worse — much worse — after a tunnel is found in the basement. This leads to doors knocking all night long and demonic messages showing up in the youngest kids’ room. Turning to the Church, Dolores tries to have Father Frank Adamsky bless the house. That lasts for all of ten seconds before Anthony flips out and throws the priest out.

When he gets to his car, the door is open and his Bible is torn apart. Clearly — all is not well. Again — the family is a mess before the Devil even gets involved. Dad is overly strict and abuse, mom clings to the Church and Sonny and Patricia yearn to have sex with one another (seriously, their first interactions define the word creeptastic).

While everyone else goes to church, Sonny stays behind and is taken over by a demonic force. The film nearly descends into body horror as we see the creature take root inside him. Soon, he’s playing fashion photographer with his sister, a game that quickly turns into sex. Instead of her being upset, Patricia instead tells him that she loved it. Keep in mind these are pretty much the two main protagonists of the story, so the tale takes a very Flowers in the Attic turn.

As Sonny becomes more demonic, Patricia decides to confess to Father Adamsky, but breaks down before she can. At Sonny’s birthday party — a scene where this film layers on the insanity — he goes full demon as she freely tries to give herself to him. She decides to call the priest and confess everything, but Father Tom (Simon himself from Simon, King of the Witches, as well as the original version of The Town that Dreaded Sundown) takes the phone off the hook so the priests can go skiing (!!!).

That night, Sonny fully becomes possessed and murders his entire family with shotgun blasts as a voice tells him to “kill them all.” Father Adamsky blames himself and even after the church refuses to allow him to exorcise the demon, he still makes an attempt. The demon goes from Sonny into his soul and the Amityville House is put up for sale…setting up part one.

If you think this is a rough little movie — and trust me, it is — it was even worse in its original cut. Test audiences were assaulted by scenes where Anthony anally rapes his wife Dolores and where the incest is on graphic display (versus being hinted at with an “after the loving” quick cut). Damiano stated that he wanted to really upset viewers. Well, he succeeded, with those scenes going the way of the dodo. A very depraved dodo.

Originally, this film was to be based on John G. Jones’ book The Amityville Horror Part II, but producer Dino De Laurentiis, in conjunction with American International Pictures, decided to be inspired Hans Holzer’s book Murder in Amityville. George Lutz, whose family’s 28-day residency at the haunted house led to the original film, sued and got a disclaimer on the posters for the film stating “This film has no affiliation with George and Kathy Lutz”.”

Even better — Ed and Lorraine Warren, the demonologists who are the basis for The Conjuring series of films — served as the demonology advisors. One only wonders how they felt about the tremendous amount of blasphemy on display here.

This is a film where no traditional structure can save anyone. The family unit is a joke. The Catholic Church does not care. And the police only exist to pick up the pieces at the end. It’s a grimy, gory, gross little film that has more in common with the grindhouse than its major studio origins would suggest.

Long story made short: I love this fucking movie.

Six people are stranded at a mansion in the English countryside — David Bower and Rosemary Bower (Carolyn Purdy-Gordon, wife of Stuart Gordon), two totally selfish and uncaring parents, and their daughter Judy. Plus, we have nice guy Ralph and two British punk rock hitchhikers, Isabel (played by Bunty Bailey, who starred in two landmark music videos for the band A-Ha) and Enid.

The mansion is owned by Gabriel and Hilary Hartwicke (Hilary Mason, the blind psychic from Don’t Look Now), toy makers who fill their home with their creations. As Judy had to give up her old teddy bear by her evil stepmother, they give her a new doll, Mr. Punch.

We soon discover that the dolls are alive and love to destroy humans — the eviler the better. The two girls try to steal antiques and get their faces smashed in and shot by toy soldiers before becoming dolls themselves. Rosemary is attacked by the dolls, then leaps out a window to her death. Her body is brought back to the house, leading David to believe Ralph is a killer.

Meanwhile, Judy reveals to Ralph that the dolls are alive and talks them into saving his life. David attacks, knocking out his daughter and the man he blames for his wife’s death, but the dolls save them. Mr. Punch battles David but is destroyed.

The old owners of the house reveal themselves and explain that the house tests people. Either they pass — like Ralph and Judy. Or they fail, like everyone else, and are turned into dolls. It just depends on who believes in the power of childhood. David now becomes Judy’s new doll, Judy picks Ralph to be her new dad and she leaves for home.

Meanwhile, we see all the evil folks as dolls on the shelf as new people get stuck outside the house and the cycle begins again.

Dolls is a Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Castle Freak) film and feels like a test run for the Demonic Toys movies. There are some moments of great invention, like the giant evil teddy bear and the eyeballs popping out of the punk girl. It was a theatrical release that actually didn’t do well, but found new life on video — where a young version of my wife found it and rented it just about every day.

Interestingly enough, the house where the movie was filmed once belonged to Dino De Laurentiis. It was an actual two-story house, but the outside of the house featured remnants of other De Laurentiis films, including Barbarella!

You can listen to us discuss this film on our podcast right here! https://youtu.be/OinZmF4art8

I feel sad as I begin the final chapter of Yor’s World. It was as if I found a sequel to a movie that’s 34 years old, another part of the story that I never thought I would see. I put it off for some time. But now, I must return to the time of future past and see my hero off to the end of his journey.

Yor wastes no time when a stormtrooper-like robot finds him. “Research unit six calling team leader,” it says. Yor responds by knocking its head off. But taking on a whole bunch of robots? One blue beam later and Yor’s out.

Meanwhile, Pag and Kala wash ashore. A robot sends a message, “Supreme leader, the other two foreign elements are in sector 1-6. We await your orders.” The hooded leader known as Overlord (John Steiner from Salon Kitty, Beyond the Door II and Caligula) watches on his crystal ball , then demands that they be captured as well. As more and more of the troopers land on the beach (their costumes, as well as Overlord’s, were leftover’s from 1979’s The Humanoid, a film that Antonio Margheriti created the FX for), a mysterious blonde man tells Pag and Kala to come with him.

A bunch of scientists place our hero in a tube and start probing him with a bright light. Beeps and boops and 808 sampler sounds play before Enna, a scientist, tells Yor that he has found the place that he has been searching for. This is where his parents are from and where he spent his childhood.

Yor demands to be untied, but Enna can only undo his hands. Only the supreme leader can free him. Turns out that Yor’s medallion has revealed a lot of information. His real name is Galahad, the only son of the rebel named Asgard. The ship that took his family into exile was destroyed. How he survived and who raised him is a mystery.

The Overlord gloats, saying that he’ll allow the moron to know all the secrets of his origin, but that the “kid” is the missing link he has been looking for to complete his genetic engineering theory. Finally, he has the “occasion to exercise his magnitude.”

Enna shows Yor some home movies where we see baby Yor! She shows him the last three chapters of his life, as clips of the film play on her viewscreen. He sees Roa again, who he refers to as “the sweetest moment of my life and the bitterest.” Didn’t we just see a recap at the beginning of this episode? This is padding of the highest order.

The good news is that Yor has learned that Pag and Kala have survived. But now, he has to talk to Overlord, who frees him from the table and tells him, “You’ll learn to know me,” which is a translation that sends me goofballs with joy. He reveals that he was the one who destroyed the village and whoever goes against him or disobeys his orders will be destroyed. In fact, he has already decided to destroy Kala.

Yor just walks away — security isn’t very tight. The Overlord looks pleased at this turn of events as he disappears to watch Yor on his crystal ball. His base looks like a big steel mill crossed with the kind of place the Eloi would live in. A blind scientist appears and tells them that if the Overlord keeps going, he will repeat the history of the world — he will do wrong.

Enna asks how they’ve survived in a world filled with radioactivity. Pag tells her that it’s a beautiful world filled with danger. Pag discusses the androids with the future people, but Kala disappears. Everyone in this scene is dressed like a Jack Kirby character come to life.

Kala wanders the base in search of Yor as the Overlord laughs, watching from afar and playing theremin. They get trapped in a hall of mirrors, able to see one another but not touch. Finally, they embrace and kiss as the Overlord keeps watch.

The Overlord finds them, explaining how radiation sickness has kept his people from repopulating, but they have radiation sickness. That’s why he is replacing them with robots, so that he can build an army that will rid the world of the barbarians.

Yor asks him, if he rules a world of puppets, what is his purpose in life? The Overlord answers: To be a bringer of death. And also life. He wants Yor and Kala to create a new race of androids. But first, he must work on Yor’s brain, to eliminate every unjust thought. And once he has impregnated Kala, he will die.

The future people and Pag arrive to save our heroic couple. The Overlord rallies his troops, telling them to kill everyone. The good guys decide to activate an atomic bomb and wipe out the base, then start over again in Yor’s world. What follows is pure awesome — a barbarian with a laser gun. You honestly cannot get better than that. The movie tries, though, as Yor swings across the nuclear reactor like he’s Luke Skywalker. Even Pag gets in on the action, swinging across like a trapeze artist to save Yor as they set the bomb to go off.

The old blind leader tells the Overlord that he has lost, that they are disabling the base floor by floor. Yor yells for Pag to shoot him, but Enna says that the Overlord is only a shadow or illusion. Yor says fuck it and tries, but his laser has no effect on the final boss. Even impaling the guy with a candy cane colored pole hardly slows him down.

The blind man tells Overlord that only Yor represents the future before shutting down the army of clones. Nearly all of the future men die — one even tells Pag to not let Enna sacrifice herself — as the base begins to self destruct,. Yor does some insane spin kick and press slam kung fu on a robot and Pag adopts to using a laser gun really well for a caveman. He nearly is killed but the final robots are deactivated at the last minute.

Our heroes all board a spaceship, where the old blind man hopes that Yor can build a new planet based on love and understanding, because God forgives us. With that, everything blows up real good and Yor flies away.

The narrator tells us, “Yor returns to the primitive tribes on earth, determined to use this new technology to realize true progress and to prevent a new atomic holocaust for future generations.”

The future is not left up in the air, like in the U.S. version. Yor is going to make everything alright.

Like I said…I’m sad to say goodbye to Yor, Pag and Kala. But good news. I have one more bit of Yor awesomeness to share, so come back tomorrow!

When we last left our friend Yor, he had decimated another group of people, found someone who had the same past as him and pissed off his girlfriend. Oh Yor, we can all identify with you, so we follow you in your journey as you try to figure out what the heck is going on.

Pag starts off part three by telling Yor that Kala is his woman, but he can have other women if he wants. Even Yor is like, wait, what? Yes, even in the past — OR IS IT THE FUTURE — it’s a man’s world. Warriors need to have as many children as they can to build a stronger tribe. Go ahead, tell that to Kala, who is super jealous. Luckily, Yor lets her help him float his boat — don’t read that wrong — as they’re now one big tribe. Well, they were until someone — YOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU — let the raft float away. Pag and Kala are quite pleased that Kala was the one to save the day. Seriously, all is peaceful in the little tribe now, but when you have two women who only want to enjoy Yor’s choice meats, there’s going to be a battle.

Also, the until now never heard love theme version of Yor’s theme is making me want to pick up cars and hurl them into the sun. It’s that inspiring.

Pag decides to shoot a dinosaur, which is really an armadillo. They decide to cook it while Yor goes to get aromatic herbs for the roast — yes, this is real dialogue — and Roa follows him. They play with their necklaces for a bit while Kala cries. Pag tells her that she will drive him away with her jealousy, but she claims that the smoke got in her eyes.

Roa tells Yor that she belongs to him and that she’s never felt so passionate about a man before. Yor tells her that she’s beautiful and they kiss in front of a waterfall. Pag reminds Kala that under the law of their tribe, Kala can’t get upset. But she replies that Roa could take him away forever.

We catch up to the happy couple making out, discussing if this is a dream or not. As Yor runs back to the camp, Kala confronts Roa, telling her that only one of them can belong to Yor and that one of them must die. She attacks with a knife and we’re treated to some test of strength battling. But oh fuck — the blue-skinned cavemen, led by Ukan, are back!

Yor battles back against the odds and finally gets his one on one battle with Ukan. Meanwhile, Roa does what she does in every battle — get hit right in the head with a blunt object. After a battle to the death, Yor smashes Ukan’s head with a rock several times until he falls into the river. We follow his body long enough down the current to realize that he is truly dead.

But for every measure of happiness in Yor’s World, there is also sadness. Roa is dying, but not before she tells him of a floating island with a wonderful castle — which is where they come from. She asks Yor not to forget her — and to give her medallion to Kala. It is the symbol of their world and if she wears it, she will be accepted by their people. She asks for one more kiss and then dies.

They bury her under a little Stonehenge, while Kala tells Yor that Roa was a better person than her. Pag, ever the realist, reminds Yor that life is not a dream and must go on.

They finally make their way to the ocean, where Yor has to explain that you can’t drink salt water before stretching out Burt Reynolds style on the beach and taking a nap. Pag does some spearfishing and grills up some fish. Just before Yor bites in, we hear a scream. Yep — another dinosaur is doing some dinosaur business, trying to eat some villagers. Our little tribe makes short order of the beast and Kala offers Yor some blood, to which he refuses. Why? I have no idea either — he just laughs it off. Kala is like, I’ve only seen you kill one other dinosaur, so come on, this is a simple mistake. You don’t have to laugh at me for trying to follow logic in a story that defies all logic. Also, everything I’ve written after the phrase “he refuses” is inside my head.

The villagers that Yor saved bring him to meet the rest of their people. Pag notices that guards are watching the skies. One of the villagers asks where Yor’s other wives and children are. Kai, the leader of the village, explains that the sun is their god and offers his daughter, Tanita, to Yor, who responds that he already has a woman. Yor’s learned a life lesson — never upset your wife or she’ll stab other women.

Kai explains how a god came from the sky and killed some of his men. The god had skin that shone like the sun — like Yor’s medallion. They approached the god peacefully, but he murdered one of the tribesmen with fire. They attacked him with clubs and forced him back into his own flames, which killed him. All that was left was some of his clothing.

Everyone noshes on some leaves filled with meat while the kids take You and Kala into a big maze. The girls gather around a little bubbling cauldron, yelling his name and giggling. Kala is afraid, but Yor reminds her that they are just children. One of the girls unites Yor and Kala forever, promising that nothing will separate them. This explains why Yor and Kala aren’t there in the shorter film when the future men attack. As for Pag, he was investigating the god’s clothing and heard a voice warning of the attack.

Fire falls from the skies as the village is destroyed. Yor wants to help, but Pag tells him that if they don’t leave now, they’ll all die. Pag shows him the piece of clothing — damn talking box — that warned him. Yor pledges to get revenge for Kai and his people. Our heroes wander the grounds, telling the rest of the people that his destiny is not here. He asks them to rebuild the village and to find happiness.

Tanita tells Yor of a mysterious island and offers her father’s boat to him. The boat is hidden by fake walls, but not far. Sad waves are exchanged and our brave heroes are off on another quest, leaving behind death and destruction in their wake.

They’re not thirty seconds into their trip before the boat starts taking in water and they get caught in a storm. Yor is swept off the boat and the ship, now with only Pag and Kala on it, wrecks into the rocks. Blackness fills the screen.

Yor wakes up alone on an island, unsure of where he or his tribe is. He yells Kala’s name into the unanswering sea.

Meanwhile, we see a hooded man watching him from afar. They must analyze his card. A stormtrooper looking black-clad man walks into the light as part three comes to a close.

Whew! Watching these in longer parts really amps up the drama — even if I know where the story is going. And if you love Yor as much as me — let’s be honest, no one does — then I bet you can’t wait for the conclusion!

The movie that we know and some of us love as Yor Hunter from the Future originated as an Italian miniseries. I’ve scored that piece of grade Z cinema treasure and am diving headfirst into all of the magic that it can produce.

After a short recap, we return to the cave of the blue, well, cavemen. They’re bringing out the women one at a time and fighting over them. What a life — drinking out of giant coolers, eating giant slabs of the choice meats and beating people up for scantily clad cavewomen whilst beating your chest. As the cavemen battle for the favor of Kala (now written out as Calla, Ka-Laa and Ca-Laa in the subtitles), Yor uses a giant bat to make the save (not before Kala is slapped around, though).

As they run through the caverns, Yor hits a blue caveman directly in the face with his stone axe. Rather than a violent demise, the blue skin comically sells the move like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. One almost expects small birds to fly around his head as he staggers.

Yor and Kala find a giant room of bones, all sacrifices to a large idol. With his medallion and woman back, Yor floods the cave. Flying in the face of the budget, the flood is pretty spectacular, with cave people extras flying all over the place and the water getting perilously close to the camera. Finally, Pag, Yor and Kala are all reunited. Of course,  there’s still the question of Yor wiping out the rest of Pag and Kala’s people. That said — maybe the skeletons are supposed to be them and Yor isn’t the screw up his American edit has led us to believe.

Ukan is defeated. And, unbeknownst to me the first time I watched Yor, there’s a strange tie between him and Yor. Aytekin Akkaya, the actor who plays Ukan, played Captain America in 1973’s Three Giant Men. This Turkish love letter to copyright law is all about Spider-Man, here an evil mastermind in a green version of his suit who loves to kill people with outboard boat motors, battling El Santo and Cap. And as we all know, Yor himself, Reb Brown, played Cap in two TV movies. The fact that I have put this together should either amaze you or make you fear me.

Searching for food — perhaps wild boar — Yor discovers some pumpkins. If you ever want to pick out one sentence from this site to use out of context, perhaps that last sentence is it. Yor’s quest for food leads him right to Kala and they share another kiss. Soon, they find two skeletons of large dinosaurs, which Yor finds strange. He also knows how to measure mileage, referring to kilometers, which seems anachronistic.

They happen upon a cave filled with weapons and furs, which seems awfully convenient as things grow colder. That said — they’re heading off to a desert, so perhaps a full-length mink isn’t the fashion to be sporting.

Pag explains to Kala the eternal mystery and conundrum of loving Yor — you must allow him to find the secret to his past, even though it may cost you his love in the long run.

Pag warns Yor that where he wants to go, “This is the land of the sick. The people of the desert live here, they worship the god of fire. They say they perform magic rituals and have supernatural powers.” Kala throws in that, “The law of the dead governs this land.” There’s a woman who looks like Yor that he needs to find, which is driving Kala nuts. He answers her fears by frenching her, because as his theme song will tell you, “Yor is the man.”

If you’re a fan of movies where folks aimlessly walk through the desert, the next five minutes of this film are for you.

Yor finds some stock footage of a volcano and dry ice, which can only mean he’s reached his destination. I say that and then we spend five more minutes watching him run through the desert while triumphant music plays. Finally, Yor starts yelling for the queen and is confronted by some black metal album cover looking trees and mummies who are covered in dust and carrying sticks of fire. So, being the hero that we all know him to be, Yor starts hopping and running.

Kala had a dream about this — Yor surrounded by fire and all alone. This scene looks incredibly dangerous to shoot, with real fire being thrown right at Reb Brown, who obviously did all of his own stunts. Dudes are just running full speed down a mountain carrying flaming sticks, which seems like the most insane thing to do. The army of Dengars throws a net on Yor, but then we hear the voice of the queen, who demands that the men bring Yor to her.

Yor finds himself in a huge cave with large people trapped in ice. The mummies tie him up as the queen rises. She has blonde hair like Yor and the same medallion. The queen can’t answer how she got there, but that she arrived with the men trapped in ice. As the ice melts, it gives water to the people and they worship her like a divine being. The ice trapped men, the queen and Yor all wear the same medallion. What does it mean? Are they from the same tribe? The same race? The answers will have to wait as a mummy with a flaming sword comes in and they show an altar covered with blood. The queen doesn’t want them to kill Yor, but she has no choice. It’s between him and her. Yor’s cool about the whole thing — it doesn’t matter to him as long as she lives and her children keep their race alive.

Turns out that the very land that these people live on is poisoning them. To try and gain the favor of the gods, they kill everyone that enters their land. Yor sees through this, knowing that this won’t change anything. The queen is even more pragmatic. She doesn’t want to change their beliefs or customs, just allow them to survive.

We find out the queen’s name is Roa. Yor tells her that he’s looked everywhere for her. He tells her that she can either let him die or run away with him. She answers him by, well, she doesn’t answer him. She just kneels and prays. I’ve been there, Yor. You ask a simple question and you don’t even get anything remotely close to an answer.

Pag and Kala have been tracking Yor, but their camp has been overrun by spiders. They run to find Yor, to a place not fit for people or animals. Though they promised not to follow him, Kala wants to go to Yor.

Roa still hasn’t made up her mind when a bunch of dudes who look like Morris Bush on a star destroyer show back up to sacrifice Yor. He ain’t having it — swinging a burning sword at them n majestic slow motion. Roa begs him that it’s enough and that he should stop, but she doesn’t know Yor like we know Yor. Our boy has to wipe out an entire cave of people at least once a day. He sets a mummy ablaze and it lands in what we thought was just water. Nope. It’s gasoline, sending the entire cave up in flames.

There were some ballsy stuntmen making this movie, dudes unafraid to be set on fire with only some rags to protect them. If I had a beer — I’m writing this at 7 AM on a Sunday, why am I not drinking a beer — I’d toast them. No pun intended.

A stalactite falls and knocks out Roa as the cave starts to fall apart. Yor loses his sword but uses a high kick and another stalactite to impale a mummy. Yor also throws a flaming stick in a 3D shot that flies into a mummy, a cool little camera trick.

Yor emerges from the cave carrying Roa just as Pag and Kala arrive. Kala instantly looks upset, Roa wakes up and looks lovingly into Yor’s eyes and Yor just looks at the camera waiting for a wacky sitcom sound cue. Kala is having none of this.

That’s how part 2 ends…on a cliffhanger based on love, not action. What happens next? Well, I already know. I mean, I’ve seen Yor Hunter from the Future way too many times. But I’m still coming back for part 3. Here’s hoping I see you on the other side.