The movie that we know and some of us love as Yor Hunter from the Future originated as an Italian miniseries. I’ve scored that piece of grade Z cinema treasure and am diving headfirst into all of the magic that it can produce.
After a short recap, we return to the cave of the blue, well, cave men. They’re bringing out the women one at a time and fighting over them. What a life — drinking out of giant coolers, eating giant slabs of the choice meats and beating people up for scantily clad cavewomen whilst beating your chest. As the cavemen battle for the favor of Kala (now written out as Calla, Ka-Laa and Ca-Laa in the subtitles), Yor uses a giant bat to make the save (not before Kala is slapped around, though).
As they run through the caverns, Yor hits a blue caveman directly in the face with his stone axe. Rather than a violent demise, the blueskin comically sells the move like a Tom and Jerry cartoon. One almost expects small birds to fly around his head as he staggers.
Yor and Kala find a giant room of bones, all sacrifices to a large idol. With his medallion and woman back, Yor floods the cave. Flying in the face of the budget, the flood is pretty spectacular, with cave people extras flying all over the place and the water getting perilously close to the camera. Finally, Pag, Yor and Kala are all reunited. Of course, there’s still the question of Yor wiping out the rest of Pag and Kala’s people. That said — maybe the skeletons are supposed to be them and Yor isn’t the screw up his American edit has led us to believe.
Ukan is defeated. And, unbenowkst to me the first time I watched Yor, there’s a strange tie between him and Yor. Aytekin Akkaya, the actor who plays Ukan, played Captain America in 1973’s Three Giant Men. This Turkish love letter to copyright law is all about Spider-Man, here an evil mastermind in a green version of his suit who loves to kill people with outboard boat motors, battling El Santo and Cap. And as we all know, Yor himself, Reb Brown, played Cap in two TV movies. The fact that I have put this together should either amaze you or make you fear me.
Searching for food — perhaps wild boar — Yor discovers some pumpkins. If you ever want to pick out one sentence from this site to use out of context, perhaps that last sentence is it. Yor’s quest for food leads him right to Kala and they share another kiss. Soon, they find two skeletons of large dinosaurs, which Yor finds strange. He also knows how to measure mileage, referring to kilometers, which seems anachronistic.
They happen upon a cave filled with weapons and furs, which seems awfully convenient as things grow colder. That said — they’re heading off to a desert, so perhaps a full-length mink isn’t the fashion to be sporting.
Pag explains to Kala the eternal mystery and conundrum of loving Yor — you must allow him to find the secret to his past, even though it may cost you his love in the long run.
Pag warns Yor that where he wants to go, “This is the land of the sick. The people of the desert live here, they worship the god of fire. They say they perform magic rituals and have supernatural powers.” Kala throws in that, “The law of the dead governs this land.” There’s a woman who looks like Yor that he needs to find, which is driving Kala nuts. He answers her fears by frenching her, because as his theme song will tell you, “Yor is the man.”
If you’re a fan of movies where folks aimlessly walk through the desert, the next five minutes of this film are for you.
Yor finds some stock footage of a volcano and dry ice, which can only mean he’s reached his destination. I say that and then we spend five more minutes watching him run through the desert while triumphant music plays. Finally, Yor starts yelling for the queen and is confronted by some black metal album cover looking trees and mummies who are covered in dust and carrying sticks of fire. So, being the hero that we all know him to be, Yor starts hopping and running.
Kala had a dream about this — Yor surrounded by fire and all alone. This scene looks incredibly dangerous to shoot, with real fire being thrown right at Reb Brown, who obviously did all of his own stunts. Dudes are just running full speed down a mountain carrying flaming sticks, which seems like the most insane thing to do. The army of Dengars throws a net on Yor, but then we hear the voice of the queen, who demands that the men bring Yor to her.
Yor finds himself in a huge cave with large people trapped in ice. The mummies tie him up as the queen rises. She has blonde hair like Yor and the same medallion. The queen can’t answer how she got there, but that she arrived with the men trapped in ice. As the ice melts, it gives water to the people and they worship her like a divine being. The ice trapped men, the queen and Yor all wear the same medallion. What does it mean? Are they from the same tribe? The same race? The answers will have to wait as a mummy with a flaming sword comes in and they show an altar covered with blood. The queen doesn’t want them to kill Yor, but she has no choice. It’s between him and her. Yor’s cool about the whole thing — it doesn’t matter to him as long as she lives and her children keep their race alive.
Turns out that the very land that these people live on is poisoning them. To try and gain the favor of the gods, they kill everyone that enters their land. Yor sees through this, knowing that this won’t change anything. The queen is even more pragmatic. She doesn’t want to change their beliefs or customs, just allow them to survive.
We find out the queen’s name is Roa. Yor tells her that he’s looked everywhere for her. He tells her that she can either let him die or run away with him. She answers him by, well, she doesn’t answer him. She just kneels and prays. I’ve been there, Yor. You ask a simple question and you don’t even get anything remotely close to an answer.
Pag and Kala have been tracking Yor, but their camp has been overrun by spiders. They run to find Yor, to a place not fit for people or animals. Though they promised not to follow him, Kala wants to go to Yor.
Roa still hasn’t made up her mind when a bunch of dudes who look like Morris Bush on a star destroyer show back up to sacrifice Yor. He ain’t having it — swinging a burning sword at them n majestic slow motion. Roa begs him that it’s enough and that he should stop, but she doesn’t know Yor like we know Yor. Our boy has to wipe out an entire cave of people at least once a day. He sets a mummy ablaze and it lands in what we thought was just water. Nope. It’s gasoline, sending the entire cave up in flames.
There were some ballsy stuntmen making this movie, dudes unafraid to be set on fire with only some rags to protect them. If I had a beer — I’m writing this at 7 AM on a Sunday, why am I not drinking a beer — I’d toast them. No pun intended.
A stalactite falls and knocks out Roa as the cave starts to fall apart. Yor loses his sword but uses a high kick and another stalactite to impale a mummy. Yor also throws a flaming stick in a 3D shot that flies into a mummy, a cool little camera trick.
Yor emerges from the cave carrying Roa just as Pag and Kala arrive. Kala instantly looks upset, Roa wakes up and looks lovingly into Yor’s eyes and Yor just looks at the camera waiting for a wacky sitcom sound cue. Kala is having none of this.
That’s how part 2 ends…on a cliffhanger based on love, not action. What happens next? Well, I already know. I mean, I’ve seen Yor Hunter from the Future way too many times. But I’m still coming back for part 3. Here’s hoping I see you on the other side.