When we last left our friend Yor, he had decimated another group of people, found someone who had the same past as him and pissed off his girlfriend. Oh Yor, we can all identify with you, so we follow you in your journey as you try to figure out what the heck is going on.
Pag starts off part three by telling Yor that Kala is his woman, but he can have other women if he wants. Even Yor is like, wait, what? Yes, even in the past — OR IS IT THE FUTURE — it’s a man’s world. Warriors need to have as many children as they can to build a stronger tribe. Go ahead, tell that to Kala, who is super jealous. Luckily, Yor lets her help him float his boat — don’t read that wrong — as they’re now one big tribe. Well, they were until someone — YOR, I’M LOOKING AT YOU — let the raft float away. Pag and Kala are quite pleased that Kala was the one to save the day. Seriously, all is peaceful in the little tribe now, but when you have two women who only want to enjoy Yor’s choice meats, there’s going to be a battle.
Also, the until now never heard love theme version of Yor’s theme is making me want to pick up cars and hurl them into the sun. It’s that inspiring.
Pag decides to shoot a dinosaur, which is really an armadillo. They decide to cook it while Yor goes to get aromatic herbs for the roast — yes, this is real dialogue — and Roa follows him. They play with their necklaces for a bit while Kala cries. Pag tells her that she will drive him away with her jealousy, but she claims that the smoke got in her eyes.
Roa tells Yor that she belongs to him and that she’s never felt so passionate about a man before. Yor tells her that she’s beautiful and they kiss in front of a waterfall. Pag reminds Kala that under the law of their tribe, Kala can’t get upset. But she replies that Roa could take him away forever.
We catch up to the happy couple making out, discussing if this is a dream or not. As Yor runs back to the camp, Kala confronts Roa, telling her that only one of them can belong to Yor and that one of them must die. She attacks with a knife and we’re treated to some test of strength battling. But oh fuck — the blue-skinned cavemen, led by Ukan, are back!
Yor battles back against the odds and finally gets his one on one battle with Ukan. Meanwhile, Roa does what she does in every battle — get hit right in the head with a blunt object. After a battle to the death, Yor smashes Ukan’s head with a rock several times until he falls into the river. We follow his body long enough down the current to realize that he is truly dead.
But for every measure of happiness in Yor’s World, there is also sadness. Roa is dying, but not before she tells him of a floating island with a wonderful castle — which is where they come from. She asks Yor not to forget her — and to give her medallion to Kala. It is the symbol of their world and if she wears it, she will be accepted by their people. She asks for one more kiss and then dies.
They bury her under a little Stonehenge, while Kala tells Yor that Roa was a better person than her. Pag, ever the realist, reminds Yor that life is not a dream and must go on.
They finally make their way to the ocean, where Yor has to explain that you can’t drink salt water before stretching out Burt Reynolds style on the beach and taking a nap. Pag does some spearfishing and grills up some fish. Just before Yor bites in, we hear a scream. Yep — another dinosaur is doing some dinosaur business, trying to eat some villagers. Our little tribe makes short order of the beast and Kala offers Yor some blood, to which he refuses. Why? I have no idea either — he just laughs it off. Kala is like, I’ve only seen you kill one other dinosaur, so come on, this is a simple mistake. You don’t have to laugh at me for trying to follow logic in a story that defies all logic. Also, everything I’ve written after the phrase “he refuses” is inside my head.
The villagers that Yor saved bring him to meet the rest of their people. Pag notices that guards are watching the skies. One of the villagers asks where Yor’s other wives and children are. Kai, the leader of the village, explains that the sun is their god and offers his daughter, Tanita, to Yor, who responds that he already has a woman. Yor’s learned a life lesson — never upset your wife or she’ll stab other women.
Kai explains how a god came from the sky and killed some of his men. The god had skin that shone like the sun — like Yor’s medallion. They approached the god peacefully, but he murdered one of the tribesmen with fire. They attacked him with clubs and forced him back into his own flames, which killed him. All that was left was some of his clothing.
Everyone noshes on some leaves filled with meat while the kids take You and Kala into a big maze. The girls gather around a little bubbling cauldron, yelling his name and giggling. Kala is afraid, but Yor reminds her that they are just children. One of the girls unites Yor and Kala forever, promising that nothing will separate them. This explains why Yor and Kala aren’t there in the shorter film when the future men attack. As for Pag, he was investigating the god’s clothing and heard a voice warning of the attack.
Fire falls from the skies as the village is destroyed. Yor wants to help, but Pag tells him that if they don’t leave now, they’ll all die. Pag shows him the piece of clothing — damn talking box — that warned him. Yor pledges to get revenge for Kai and his people. Our heroes wander the grounds, telling the rest of the people that his destiny is not here. He asks them to rebuild the village and to find happiness.
Tanita tells Yor of a mysterious island and offers her father’s boat to him. The boat is hidden by fake walls, but not far. Sad waves are exchanged and our brave heroes are off on another quest, leaving behind death and destruction in their wake.
They’re not thirty seconds into their trip before the boat starts taking in water and they get caught in a storm. Yor is swept off the boat and the ship, now with only Pag and Kala on it, wrecks into the rocks. Blackness fills the screen.
Yor wakes up alone on an island, unsure of where he or his tribe is. He yells Kala’s name into the unanswering sea.
Meanwhile, we see a hooded man watching him from afar. They must analyze his card. A stormtrooper looking black-clad man walks into the light as part three comes to a close.
Whew! Watching these in longer parts really amps up the drama — even if I know where the story is going. And if you love Yor as much as me — let’s be honest, no one does — then I bet you can’t wait for the conclusion!