ANOTHER TAKE ON: Longlegs (2024)

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Jennifer Upton is an American (non-werewolf) writer/editor in London. She currently works as a freelance ghostwriter of personal memoirs and writes for several blogs on topics as diverse as film history, punk rock, women’s issues, and international politics. For links to her work, please visit https://www.jennuptonwriter.com or send her a Tweet @Jennxldn

Longlegs is a like the popular small-town cover band you liked in college.

The songs are passable from a technical standpoint but can’t hold a candle to the originals.

Let’s take a look at the hit parade:

Silence of the Lambs, I Saw the Devil, Cure, Zodiac, Lisa and the Devil, Twin Peaks and Exorcist III.

If you’ve seen those, you’ve seen every scene from this movie done better.

That’s not to say it’s all bad. Longlegs is a movie that looks great and does a decent job of convincing a large segment of the movie going public that it’s better than it is. Plus, you’ve got Nic Cage doing his best Bob from Twin Peaks in Marilyn Manson cosplay which is fine. But we never learn who he is, or where he came from or how he came to be the devil’s dollmaker in the first place. Ultimately, this film’s story as thin as a sheet of cheap toilet roll with unexplained plot points that go nowhere.

For example: How did the FBI track Nic’s character down at the bus stop? Well, that’s just one plot hole you’ll hopefully be drunk enough to ignore when you watch this film.

Don’t even get me started on the lead character, Special Agent Lee Harker. In what universe would a person who can’t make eye contact with anyone get through the rigorous training in Quantico?  No, putting her hair in a ponytail didn’t sell it for me. How did she break the coded letters? Well, she just did, okay? Why did the dollmaker like the band T-Rex? He just did. That’s what this movie is. A series of “She/he just dids.”

The more I think about it, the more this movie downright pisses me off.

There may come a time in the future when I feel bad for being so hard on it, but this is my first reaction.  Scarcely two hours post-credit roll and I’m furious that I bought into Longlegs’ excellent marketing campaign. They got my money. But they won’t get it again. I’d rather rewatch any of the films listed above instead.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: Nature’s Playmates (1962)

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Herschell Gordon Lewis week (July 14 – 20) HG seemed to truly love packing theaters. He’s most famous for introducing gore to horror movies, but he’d fill any need that the audience had. He made every genre of exploitation __ – even kids movies! Gore movies would’ve happened eventually, but Herschell seemed to take joy in crafting gross-out shocks for unsuspecting cineasts. INTERESTING FACT! HG Lewis was a huge fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken and had them cater all of his productions. Col. Harland Sanders himself appeared in Lewis’ Blast Off Girls!

Chicago private detective Russell Harper (Scott Osborne) and his assistant Diana (Louise Downe, using the name Vicki Miles; she wrote several of Lewis’ films such as Linda and Abilene, Just for the Hell of It, Blood Feast and The Girl The Body and The Pill. She was a student at the University of Miami, where she studied to become a psychiatrist. She dropped out of premed school because she couldn’t handle cutting up things in anatomy class, which is funny, because again, she wrote Blood Feast. She was married to Lewis from 1962 to 1971.) are looking for a missing husband, which leads them — as these things happen and most often happen in the movies of Herschell Gordon Lewis and David F. Friedman — to a Florida nudist camp.

Is there a trampoline? Yes.

Is there a swimming scene? Yes, in a muddy body of water that I wouldn’t swim in wearing a hazmat suit.

Will a woman get naked and then put back on her high heels? Yes. Doesn’t that happen all the time?

Perhaps I have seen too many nudie cuties by this point but they have also become the warmest of blankets at the end of a stressful day.

You can watch this on Cultpix.

The Sizzlin’ Something Weird Summer Challenge 2024: Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In (1970)

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Herschell Gordon Lewis week (July 14 – 20) HG seemed to truly love packing theaters. He’s most famous for introducing gore to horror movies, but he’d fill any need that the audience had. He made every genre of exploitation __ – even kids movies! Gore movies would’ve happened eventually, but Herschell seemed to take joy in crafting gross-out shocks for unsuspecting cineasts. INTERESTING FACT! HG Lewis was a huge fan of Kentucky Fried Chicken and had them cater all of his productions. Col. Harland Sanders himself appeared in Lewis’ Blast Off Girls!

Sheldon Seymour is Herschell Gordon Lewis. Miss Nymphet’s Zap-In is Laugh-In. The difference is that this has nudity and the jokes aren’t as good. Then again, to younger people who never watched Laugh-In, this is going to seem strange. And really, it may only be important to hardcore fans of the Godfather of Gore.

The song “Miss Nymphet (Zap!)” by The Zaps, who are really Herschell’s son Robert, plays throughout the movie and you get jokes like this:

Go-Go Dancer #1: Do you know how to catch one of us topless dancers?

Go-Go Dancer #2: I’ll tell you. With a booby trap!

It’s also a lot like the cartoons that would be in a rip off of Playboy like Cavalier or Flirt. 

Actresses in this include Dixie Donovan (Angelica: The Young Vixen), Luanne Roberts (Bonnie’s Kids), Phyllis Stengel (Take It Out In Trade), Julie Conners (Night of the Witches and the adult movie that nearly ruined Lash LaRue, Hard On the Trail), Bambi Allen (who plays Miss Nymphet; she was also in Lash of Lust), Mary Jane Shippen (Don’t Just Lay There) and Debbie Osborne (The Cult).

I’m going to watch all of Lewis’ movies, so sometimes you have to work your way through some rough ones. The rounder 1970s bodies helped.

You can watch this on Cultpix.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: The Intruder Within (1981)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: The Intruder Within was on the CBS Late Movie on August 14, 1986 and May 28, 1987.

While Alien is by no means a wholly originally film — just watch Bava’s Planet of the Vampires — its success has begat a spawn (Deadly Spawn, too) of imitators. I’ve made it my insane mission to watch as many of them as possible — I can guarantee that at least one or two of them will be much better than the last outing — the space turd known as Prometheus.

One of the first rip-offs — I say it in a nice way — was 1981’s American TV movie, The Intruder Within.

Back in the day, Starlog was hyping this film as an almost sequel to Alien. With the popularity of the film, folks were ravenous to see more chest bursters in action. That said — this has nothing to do with the original other than stealing just about every single plot point.

Instead of space, this film goes to a more terrain — yet not less remote — location: an oil rig packed with folks like Chad Everett (TV’s Medical Center, Mulholland Drive, Airplane II) as our mustachioed hero, Jennifer Warren (Mutant, Slap Shot) as his love interest and fellow rig worker, Joseph Bottom (The Black Hole) as the villain, Rocke Tarkington (Ice Pirates) and Paul Larsson (The Blaster from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome!). It’s worth noting that every conversation the characters have — pre-alien — is about hooking up. They’re far from the mainland and feeling the urge to just get it on because all the drilling is getting them hot and bothered.

I hesitate to even write the plot to this, as I could just write the plot for Alien: crew finds eggs, someone goofs about and pays the price, the monster starts stalking the ship, hijinks ensue. Again — this film is hypersexualized, as one of the first monster attacks is more rape than attack. And there’s always a KY jelly like substance leaking out of everything. It’s also pretty bleak — the raped crew member dies after she gives birth to a full-sized alien and just about everyone dies pretty horribly — if off-camera, as this was still broadcast TV.

There’s also one well-done section of the film that explains that whatever the creature is, it predates the Biblical Flood and has lived beneath the ice for millions of years — very Lovecraftian themes that are never followed up on, sadly. Plus, being the ’80s, there’s a subplot about the oil company Zortron and how they may want the creature and eggs more than the oil (again, a plot point taken straight from Alien) and some character work about cheating spouses.

The actual creature suit is pretty nice and holds up well to being in the light. It was created by James Cummins, who also contributed to House, DeepStar Six (I’ll be getting to that one), Enemy Mine and The Beast Within. It’s very Giger-influenced to the point that many people incorrectly report that Giger worked on it. That said, it’s pretty strange to see an alien climb a ladder!

For all the exposition, set-up and character development, this movie ends just when it seems like it’s picking up steam. Who knew all it takes is a flare gun to defeat an alien? It certainly surprised me! The Intruder Within got to the party early, but it’s not the best of movies — filled with blocked off TV movie direction, too dark camerawork and a short running time. That said — it still has some charm and you can find worse ways to spend 100 minutes.

You can watch this on YouTube.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: Beyond the Door (1974)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Beyond the Door was on the CBS Late Movie on November 9, 1979 and January 30, 1981.

There are rip-offs of The Exorcist. And then there are rip-offs where copyright infringement lawsuits lead to Warner Brothers getting a cash settlement and a portion of the film’s future revenue. Beyond the Door would be the latter. It’s $40 million worldwide gross meant that this film would a film draw the ire and call of that most Satanic of all monsters, the suits and the lawyers.

Directed by Ovidio G. Assonitis, who wrote 1979’s most insane film The Visitor and directed Tentacles and Madhouse (and he was also CEO of Cannon, producing films like Lambada and American Ninja 5), the film opens with Satan literally speaking, promising to give a man ten more years of life if he knocks up a woman. Oh yeah — there’s also a naked female on a light up crucifix.

Jessica Barrett (Juliet Mills, TV’s Nanny and the Professor) is pregnant with her third child, which leads to the typical symptoms — strange voices, throwing up blood, screaming all night long. You know — the normal stuff.

Her other kids are also impacted by all this Satanic panic going on in the Barrett house, as her husband Robert (Gabriele Lavia, Deep Red) tries to help. Turns out an old lover, Dmitri (Richard Johnson, Dr. Menard from Zombi!) has something to do with all of this, as he’s the man Satan was speaking to in the opening of the film. He offers to help Jessica, but he’s really trying to ensure that her baby is born because it’s gonna be the Antichrist (DUM DUM DUM)!

The possessor ends up killing Dmitri after asking him to reach into Jessica and pull out her baby. She vomits blackness all over his face, so he starts banging on her stomach while yelling, “LIES! LIES LIES!” So the devil sends him back over that cliff in his car, killing him.

A dove flies by as we find Jessica on a boat, covered with a robe and wearing sunglasses. She has lost the baby but regained her life. Children run and play everywhere. Meanwhile, we cut to a young child unwrapping a gift, which contains a red car. He tosses it overboard, revealing that he’s the Antichrist. Or maybe he’s Jessica’s kid? Who knows. Who can say? He does have glowing eyes, so there’s that.

Beyond the Door zigs where The Exorcist zags. Instead of “Tubular Bells,” we get 70’s funk. Instead of priests, we get weird ex-lovers. Instead of kids being possessed, here they are just foul-mouthed little bastards.

Tales from the Crypt S4 E4: Seance (1992)

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Directed by Gary Fleder (Kiss the Girls) and written by Harry Anderson (yes, Judge Harry Stone), “Seance” has Benny Polosky (Ben Cross) and Alison Peters (Cathy Moriarty) try to take the money of Presco Chalmers (John Vernon) by telling him that Benny is the lawyer of Chalmers’ uncle Albert, who robbed a bank and invested the money, which made him $3 million dollars before he died. Now, they can help Chalmers get the money if he pays off Benny. Then again, this Tales from the Crypt, so things don’t work out.

“It was another one of those hot LA days. Things were about to get interesting when she walked in. Her name was Samantha and she was beautiful. A regular corpus delecti with a great chest…cavity, that is. Something in her socket said beware. Must’ve been the way she said hello to me. So, sweetheart. You say your husband’s been cheating on you with another ghoul? That it? Well, I’ll be glad to hear your story but first I’ve got a tawdry tale of my own to tell. It’s about a couple of scam artists who want to make a killing, providing they don’t kill each other first. I call it “Seance.””

The problem is that Benny feels bad about this and as he and Alison fight, Chalmers is killed by an elevator. Alison thinks that they can get the money of they now con his blind widow, Dorothy (Ellen Crawford), with a seance. This brings out Chalmers ghost, which kills both of the criminals, yanking Alison’s heart right out of her chest. Turns out that Madame Leona (Lupe Ontiveros) isn’t the carnie that everyone took her as.

This episode is based on “Seance!” which was in The Vault of Horror #25 and was written and drawn by Johnny Craig. The original story has two con men working with Chalmers, but has a similar seance ending.

CBS LATE MOVIE MONTH: Moonshine County Express (1977)

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Moonshine County Express was on the CBS Late Movie on September 21, 1979 and October 16, 1981.

The Hammer Sisters are the kind of tough Southern girls that deal with their daddy’s murder by taking over his moonshine business, grabbing some weapons and being way tougher than any of the men they battle. Is that enough to get you to watch this movie?

What if I told you that it was directed by the same man who brought us The Evil, The Side Hackers and the movie based on the song Take This Job and Shove It?

Not yet? How does John Saxon playing a Southern stock car racer and moonshine runner sound? Not yet?

How about Susan Howard, former Dallas actress turned 700 Club host and NRA supporter?

William Conrad? Jeff Corey? Len “Uncle Leo” Lasser? Maurine “Marcia Brady” McCormick? Still not sold?

I get it. John Saxon was enough for me. But then I thought, I bet this movie has Claudia Jennings in it. And I was right. And that’s all it took.

What was it about American pop culture that took hicksploitation from the drive-in to the mainstream? I remember it myself — everyone had a CB radio, we all turned into The Dukes of Hazzard and watched Smokey and the Bandit on HBO. Heck, I even had a silver NASCAR jacket that made me look like a 5-year-old pit crew member.

From the very first moment that John Saxon appears on screen and does his best version of a Southern accent, I was thoroughly entertained by this silly trifle of a film. It’s a Roger Corman 1970’s drive-in movie, so you’re going to get plenty of cars getting smashed up, scummy bad guys and “100 proof women” like Candice Rialson (Chatterbox, Pets).

You can watch this on Tubi.

YOR HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE COMIC!

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In 1974, Argentinean master storytellers Ray Collins and Juan Zanotto created Henga el Cazador, known in the English-speaking world as Yor, the Hunter from the Future! An elegantly drawn pulp adventure on par with other classic barbarian stories, Yor’s comic book saga has much richer detail and backstory than the legendary cult film!

Antarctic Press is publishing four fully packed, 40-page volumes that introduce Yor’s world, where he battles dinosaurs and rescues his mate from a cult of barbaric Blue Men!

Editor and translator Steve Ross and cover artists Kelsey Shannon and Fred Perry have put together something amazing. You may know my love of Yor, so you have to understand just how exciting this is for me.

Ask your local comic book store to order it for you and check out the listing for the second issue in Previews.

Want to read more about this movie?

Blackout (2024)

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Joseph Perry writes for the film websites Gruesome Magazine, The Scariest Things, Horror Fuel, The Good, the Bad and the Verdict and Diabolique Magazine; for the film magazines Phantom of the Movies’ VideoScope and Drive-In Asylum; and for the pop culture websites When It Was Cool and Uphill Both Ways. He is also one of the hosts of When It Was Cool’s exclusive Uphill Both Ways podcast and can occasionally be heard as a cohost on Gruesome Magazine’s Decades of Horror: The Classic Era podcast.

Lara Shultz (Nicole Cates) is a hitwoman with a difference — she suffers from dissociative amnesia. In Director Sean Justin Norona’s action/thriller short Blackout, Shultz goes on an existential journey she didn’t expect to take, but it’s one from which she can never turn back. 

Norona, who cowrote the screenplay with Kayla Lucky, packs quite a bit into Blackout’s 19-minutes running time. Along with learning how Lara came to be a killer for hire, plenty of well-choreographed hand-to-hand combat and gunplay are on display. The short offers much more than simply action, though, as it really takes viewers inside the mind of its protagonist.

Cates makes for a strong lead, delivering solid narration and an impressive physical performance. Norona helms the short well. His choreography captures the proceedings nicely and his editing keeps the events flowing at a brisk clip.

Blackout is a super-assassin origin story that works just fine as a complete tale in short-film time, but I think the world building on display here has the potential for a highly intriguing feature film. 

Blackout is currently on the film festival circuit.