April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

We as film nerds often get very high and mighty when it comes to our favorites.

Then again, as we all know, Joe D’Amato was making movies to make money.

Of course he made a breakdancing film.

His came six years after Breakin’, however.

Directed by Gerry Lively (the cinematographer of Friday, Angel 3, Children of the Corn 3, Hellraiser: Bloodline, Return of the Living Dead 3, Necronomicon, Motorhead’s video for “Hellraiser,” Hellraiser III, Waxwork and the director of two direct-to-video Dungeons and Dragons movies) and written by the always working 90s Italian screenwriter Daniele Stroppa — and produced by Joe D’Amato with costumes by Laura Gemser — Hot steps – passi caldi has two dancing squads squaring off in the Hot Steps contest at the Neptune disco.

Set in Florida but shot in New Orleans, this movie asks you to “Feel the Heat!” Rico (Kirk Rivera, also in Salsa and Cop Rock) leads one crew while Kevin (also in Salsa, as well as a movie called Sketch Artist II: Hands That See) is in charge of the other. There’s also Nancy (Lindsley Allen, a Goddess dancer in Showgirls, as well as someone in The Time’s “Jerk Out” video), Kevin’s little sister who nearly died and has come back to dance, baby.

Kevin coaches his team by saying things like “We have to be awesome if we want to win!” and he’s rich and we can assume his co-opting culture. He better watch his sister, because if she and Rico are making moves like that on the dance floor, you can only imagine what they’re doing when they get behind closed doors. Cha-cha-cha…

How does Kevin get back at his enemy? By sleeping with one of his dance team, Mayra (Dianne Granger).

Will true love win? Will Nancy’s legs stop working again? Is that Terri from Boardinghouse, Elizabeth Hall? Did they decide to have composer Tiromancino write more than two songs? Yes, no, yes and it sure doesn’t seem that way.

You can watch this on YouTube.

April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

Directed and written by Mino Guerrini (The Third Eye), this is the story of Stefano (Alessandro Freyberger, The Wild Beasts), a mechanic who dreams of being a boxer. It’s also a love story, as he falls for Giulia (Claudia Vegliante).

This is totally Lemon Popsicle in Italy and I love it, because it’s filmed by Aristide Massaccesi and has Michele Soavi as an assistant director. As if that’s not enough, Bob — Giovanni Frezza  — is in the cast.

I have no idea of anyone other than me that would care even the least bit about this movie, but such is my love for Filmirage. This obviously never came to America, where its translated title may have been When the Sun Shines…Let’s Go to the Beach but probably would have been given an insane name like Beyond the Sun or The Punch of Love.

You can watch this on YouTube.

April 16: Filmirage — Give in to the sleaze and write about a Joe D’Amato produced movie. There’s a list here.

Panasonic (Kiro Wehara, Thong from The Blade Master) has been sent by his master, General Electric, on a mission to protect the last place left on Earth that can create life, the Interzone. He soon meets Swan (Bruce Abbott, Re-Animator), the Max Rockatansky of this rip-off, and a slave girl named Tera (Beatrice Ring, Zombi 3). But this wouldn’t be an end of the world pastarmageddon movie without bad guys, who are led by Mantis (Teagan Clive, another obsession of mine, the bodybuilding blonde star who was also in Vice Academy Part 2, Alienator, Sinbad, Mob Boss, Obsession: A Taste for Fear, Jumpin’ Jack Flash and Armed and Dangerous. She also wrote the “Power Café” articles in Iron Man magazine, as well as episodes of Acapulco H.E.A.T. and Conan the Adventurer, plus she’s in the video for “California Girls” by David Lee Roth) and Balzaka (John Armstead, Error Fatale).

Is there a treasure to be found? Will it explain to Panasonic the truth of his name? You know it.

This was directed by Deran Sarafian, who also made The Falling, To Die For, Death Warrant, Gunmen and Terminal Velocity. A year after this, he’d be in Zombi 3. It was written by James L. Anderson and Clyde Anderson, so you may think this is an American movie. But then, there it was, produced by David Hills, who is Joe D’Amato, who is Aristide Massaccesi. And who is Clyde Anderson? Claudio Fragasso and Rossella Drudi. And is that Laura Gemser as Panasonic’s sister-in-law?

Shot outside of Rome, I learned from Matty at The Shlock Pit that Sarafian and Ring were engaged, which explains them being in Zombi 3.

This is not the best Road Warrior movie you’ll see, but you know, Teagen Clive’s interpretative dancing is all I need. I’m so easy.

April 15: TV to Movies — Let’s decry the lack of originality in Hollywood. But first, let’s write about a movie that started as a TV show.

It’s hard to explain to people today how big a show The Fall Guy was. Everyone had that Heather Thomas poster up in their house; my grandfather had one way into the 1990s. This movie doesn’t require you to know anything about the show.

Directed by David Leitch (John Wick) and written by Drew Pearce (Hotel Artemis), this starts with stuntman Colt Seavers (Ryan Gosling) breaking his back on a stunt as he doubles for Tom Ryder (Aaron Taylor-Johnson). More than the pain, the idea that he isn’t indestructible ruins his ego and he ghosts on life, leaving behind his girlfriend Jody Moreno (Emily Blunt).

18 months later, Colt is called to the set of Metalstorm, Jody’s first movie, which is really her working out her feelings about him. He’s been hired by producer Gail Meyer (Hannah Waddingham), but he thinks Jody wants him back. In no way is that true. Yet there’s a more significant problem: Tom Ryder is gone and without him, there’s no movie. Colt doubles for him while trying to find the missing actor, who shows up dead in a bathtub, yet his body disappears before the police get there.

Working with personal assistant Alma Milan (Stephanie Hsu) and stunt coordinator Dan Tucker (Winston Duke), he learns that Tom has killed his stunt double in a brawl gone wrong. Before he can show the police the evidence, the phone is destroyed and Colt is taken by henchmen. Soon, it’s revealed — man, spoilers, right? — that Tom also broke Colt’s back, upset that he felt that his double was stealing the spotlight. He plans on setting Colt up for murdering his double, but of course, everything works out, love wins out and Metalstorm gets made with Jason Momoa.

And hey — there’s Lee Majors and Heather Thomas at the end.

This movie is a love letter to stunts—there’s a world record car roll in it—and action movies. Yep, Metalstorm comes from Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn and its tagline, “It’s High Noon at the End of the Universe,” is from Oblivion 2. I also love that the hero in that movie is named Space Cowboy, which is very George Peppard from Battle Beyond the Stars.

Plus, it has Endeavor 42, the actual boat from Miami Vice, exclamation-pointed with the show’s theme song, Seavers wearing a crew jacket, and sound effects from  The Six Million Dollar Man.

I loved this. It’s a big dumb action movie, complete with Hal Needham credits at the end!

April 14: Viva Italian Horror—Pick an Italian horror movie and enjoy the pasta sauce and gore.

Dario Argento did Opera and now, Phantom of the Opera, starring Julian Sands as the Phantom, perhaps the best-looking person to play the role. John Malkovich was the original actor for the part, but Sands ended up being in this, and unlike every other movie adaption, he wears no mask.

This is in the period of films where Argento is perhaps thought to have lost it. It’s in-between The Stendhal Syndrome and Sleepless and sadly, starts to look more like a made-for-TV movie (not always a bad thing) instead of the visually rich films that we expect from the director. Then again, it does have a score by Ennio Morricone and the acting isn’t bad. And if you like rats…

The Phantom (Sands) in this one is a telepathic man raised by said vermin, his baby basket plucked from a river and brought to the basement of the Paris Opera where he eventually finds Christine Daaé (Asia Argento), whom he seeks to gain the part of Juliet in a play. She’s also in love with Baron Raoul De Chagny (Andrea Di Stefano), yet she first succumbs to the lovemaking of the man with rat parents. Before you know it, he’s bringing chandeliers down on people and doing all he can for her, even if she winds up choosing the Baron; being flighty, she goes back to the Phantom by the end, but the police end up taking care of that, beating and stabbing him after he shrugs off a gunshot to the stomach by the Baron.

There are some cool dream sequences in this, no small amount of gore, and a sadly muted color pallette that doesn’t seem to even hunt at the rainbow excesses of the past. But you know, directors need to work, and Argento kept trying throughout the 90s, and fans of his- hey, that’s me- kept on hoping for more. I have this in a 4-pack, and that’s how it is available in the U.S., which is kind of sad, but I don’t think anyone is begging for a 4K of this or Dracula 3D. Actually, I am. Throw in Do You Like Hitchcock? and The Card Player, too.

Cinematographer Ronnie Taylor also worked on Opera, Argento’s other Phantom-inspired movie, and Popcorn, which has similar themes. He was also a cameraman on Phantom of the Paradise, so he really got a lot of work out of this story.

Also: I only have Pelts and The Five Days left of his movies to watch.

April 13: (Evil) Plant Appreciation Day — It ain’t easy being green. Pay tribute to all the plants with a movie starring one of them.

Directed, written, and starring Jason Liquori, Lumber vs. Jack is the story of Jack Woods, who finds himself saving his wife Jill (Debbie Rochon) from genetically modified trees. Now he and Brad (Brewier Welch) must go deep into the forest, rescue Michelle and Jody (Michelle Prenez and Jennifer Wenger) and join entymologist Sheila (Christina Daoust) to take out all of the vines and trees and whatever else has grown into something that wants to kill humans.

The main problem is that the sound quality is all over the place. But you know, it’s an evil plants movie. Liquori came up with the idea the first year that he lived in the mountains of North Carolina. The leaves just kept coming back, and it felt so strange to him. Then he made this.

There’s also a sequel, Jack vs. Pumpkins, with Monique Parent in it. You know I’m looking for it.

You can watch this on Tubi.

April 12: 412 Day — A movie about Pittsburgh (if you’re not from here that’s our area code). Or maybe one made here. Heck, just write about Striking Distance if you want.

Yes, Whispers in the Dark is mostly shot in New York City, but there are scenes shot in Pittsburgh, and that’s good enough. I wish I could tell you it was a Yinzer Giallo, but no. It’s close to real Giallo, but it has no Iron City, no one goes to eat at Primanti Brothers or walks past the Kaufmann’s clock.

Directed and written by Christopher Crowe (who also wrote the Marky Mark goes crazy movie Fear), this has Annabella Sciorra as Ann Hecker, a psychiatrist who gets obsessed over a patient, Eve Abergray (Deborah Unger, who A.C. Nicholas told me has never not been nude in a film and reminded me again of the beginning of Crash), who makes every man around her want to dominate her sexually. Like, totally nice guys suddenly become sexist and want to slap her around like she’s Barbara Bouchet or something.

Ann wants that life now and gets so upset that she confides in her teachers, the married couple Leo and Sarah Green (Alan Alda and Jill Clayburgh). She also starts dating a new guy, Doug McDowell (Jamey Sheridan), a former Air Force pilot.

But let’s get back to Eve, who comes into their next session, takes off her dress, and tells Ann how much she wants to jill off in front of her. Is Ann having a fantasy? Why doesn’t she react? How freakish is Eve? And is she also with Doug because she claims the lover who treats her the worst is Francis Douglas McDowell?

This leads to Doug and Ann fighting, which Eve sees and realizes they’re dating. She accuses Ann of living out her fantasies by going after someone she dated. And then, when Ann comes to apologize, Eve is dead at her own hand. Or maybe not, as Detective Morgenstern (Antony LaPaglia) says that she was murdered.

Is this a Giallo? Yes, we already went over that.

Who killed Eve? One of her patients, Fast Johnny C. (John Leguizamo)? Ann? Doug? Well, it’s probably not Johnny, who breaks into Ann’s place and ends up jumping to his death, just like Ann’s dad. Then, Doug is in a hangar with the detective’s dead body, but he gets hit by a car. This is filled with red herrings.

Gene Siskell said this was the worst movie of 1992, so you know I loved every minute.

You’ll ask, “Can the think woman’s sex symbol be a psycho sexual killer?” Look, he’s no Ivan Rassimov, but if you got this far, spoilers — he’s the one who beats his wife with a wine bottle and talks filthy in that Alan Alda voice you know so well. For that moment alone at the end, when he gets a hook right through his skull and he takes a bump into the surf, you probably should watch this.