27. MONSTERS… ALL?: Dracula, Frankenstein and Wolfman are (universal)ly adored. It’s time we start seeing other “people.”

There’s really no reason for this movie to exist.

Many people have tried and almost as many have failed to bring their vision of Dracula to the screen. For every Tod Browning and Karl Freund, for each Francis Ford Coppola or John Badham, there are just as many poorly received versions of the tale.

The Dario Argento of 2012 does not seem to be the person to be making this movie. Made after Giallo, a film that was considered — charitably — not the best of movies, Argento seemingly had a lot to prove. The visual stylist that made Deep Red, Suspiria, The Bird With the Crystal Plumage and Opera suddenly had movies that looked like made for TV films or episodic television instead of the dramatic flights of fancy that fill Tenebrae or even Sleepless. His movies became the law of diminishing returns and instead of being excited by the prospect of a new Argento movie, fans started to worry. I mean, I still haven’t watched Mother of Tears or this movie for so long.

Jonathan Harker (Unex Ugalde) is sent to the castle of Dracula (Thomas Kretschmann, who would go on to play Van Helsing on the 2013 Dracula series that aired in the U.S. on NBC) and becomes the blood donor for the count and his thrall Tania (Miriam Giovanelli). Meanwhile, his wife Mina (Marta Gastini) comes to London to stay with Lucy (Asia Argento), both of whom will soon be bitten by the vampire. You know the story and you know that Van Helsing (Rutger Hauer) will show up but did you know that he has garlic bullets?

As I wrote, we all know the story of Dracula so when an artist like Argento tells his version, we hope that we see it from a new angle. Or, as Coppola showed in his movie, that a famous director can still be indebted to Mario Bava and Terence Fisher. As for the acting, I never expect much, but Ugalde gives Keanu a run for the worst Harker I’ve seen. At least Hauer and Asia are fine in their roles.

That’s before we get into the effects. Yes, this was made in 2012, but the effects looked dated on release, as if they were from another decade or even more before. The scene where the count turns into a grasshopper must be seen to be believed.

Keep in mind that this movie had Luciano Tovoli as the cinematographer. The same person who did Suspiria and Tenebrae with Argento. I have no idea how they made a movie that looks this cheap. The colors are often muted to the point of blandness or worse, it looks like a house from the 70s with the brightest carpeting possible.

At least Claudio Simonetti did the music.

Giovanni Paolucci produced this. He also was behind the late era Mattei movies. If Bruno Mattei made this movie, I would be singing its praises. One because he died eight years before and the fact that he was back from the grave would make me so happy. Second, this is the kind of movie I expect from Mattei. From Argento, I expect more. That’s unfair, I realize, but when you make at least four — maybe five? — movies that I consider some of the best of all time, you get put on a different level. I also realize that your first album is your best album and this would be several albums from where Argento began but when you call a movie Argento’s Dracula, we want to see your specific stamp on it. Your stamp should not be CGI wolves that feel like they belong on a shirt from Wal-Mart.

In his book Fear, Argento said, “I was able to experiment with new movements and close-ups; using the most innovative technologies on the market means rediscovering the original wonder of the director’s job. It was as if what I was shooting had turned into the first movie of my career, and I had to learn everything from scratch.”

He also claims that his goal was to show Dracula’s romantic side and his transformation ability. “…for someone like myself who founded their very career on animals this was a unique opportunity to give free rein to my imagination. As so during the course of the film — thanks to digital effects — the Count turns into an owl, a wolf, a praying mantis, and materializes as a swarm of flies and an intrusion of cockroaches.” He also says that this was inspired by Hammer.

He also tells a story where he and Tovoli got lost in the rain. That seems to be what this movie is all about. A film about a great director lost with technology that he thinks is the future yet holds him in the past, unable to create something that stands the test of time.

I want to love this movie and it does everything it can to keep that from happening. The idea of the town working with the count? Great. The idea that there are hatchet murders in that town? Awesome. It goes nowhere. And there’s so much nudity and gore that you wonder, “Is Argento making his Joe D’Amato tribute?”

Also: This music video makes me laugh. I mean, no one told the drummer not to wear a jersey in a castle and maybe at least try and feel somewhat in the appropriate era?

You can watch this on Tubi.