Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Directed and produced by Charles Band, Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn feels like the movie that goes with all of my favorite stoner metal albums. It’s also in 3D, which makes it even better and it was already a movie in which the bad guys spray people with green drugs that put them into a dream state where they’re killed with crystals.

Dogen (Jeffrey Byron, who co-wrote The Dungeonmaster) is a space ranger searching for the supernatural evil that is Jared-Syn, the leader of the One Eyes who have torn out their own eye and started a holy crusade against the humans that have come to their planet. Except that Syn is probably not really one of them and just wants to destroy everyone.

Our hero rescues Dhyana, a crystal miner’s daughter played by Kelly Preston, and together they meet a prospector named Rhodes (Tim Thomerson), who takes him to the nomads. This leads to a battle with one of them, Hurok (Richard Moll, whose shaved head for this movie led to the producers of Night Court loving that look) that ends with them as friends.

I kind of love that this movie combines a western, a post-apocalyptic movie, science fiction, sorcery and whatever else it feels like throwing at the screen. I just wish that I had seen it in 3D as a kid, because I really feel like my life would be in a very different place today as a result.

The world needs more movies that make as little sense and are as entertaining as this.

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