Author Archives: bandsaboutmovies

10TH OLD SCHOOL KUNG FU FEST: The Swordsman Of All Swordsmen (1968)

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Directed by Joseph Kuo, who wrote it with Shui-Han Chiang and Tien-Yung Hsu, Yi dai jian wang tells the tale of Tsai Lai-Chieh (Peng Tien, Return of the 18 Bronzemen), who as a child had his entire family — nearly sixty members in all, killed by five martial arts masters. He has trained his entire life to destroy them, which is a plot that could be any other martial arts or wuxia movie, but this transcends the form with the last target of his vengeance — symbolized by the wooden names he keeps on his belt and breaks with each step toward killing them all — being a blind and broken old man that realizes that he deserves death.

La-Chieh is joined by two equally incredible fighters, Flying Swallow (Polly Kuan, Shi er sheng xiao) and Black Dragon (Chiang Nan, The Magic Blade), a swordsman dedicated to being the best of the best, even if that means that he must wait and help Lai-Chieh pay his blood debt to his family before they inevitably fight to the death. I loved how La-Chieh is willing to admit that Black Dragon is a better fighter than him, but his tenuous friend can only know through a duel which will destroy one of them. They save him for an attack with arrows and poison darts, giving him time to heal and get back on the bloody road of retribution.

This movie gets a lot of jaw-dropping scenery, bloody swordplay and even laughs in the midst of all the pathos and blood being spilled, adding up to a movie that inspires one to seek out more from everyone involved in its creation.

Want to see it for yourself?

You can watch The Swordsman of All Swordsmen next Saturday, April 22 at 3:30 PM in Theater 2 and Sunday, April 23 at 1 PM in Theater 2  at Metrograph and Subway Cinema in New York City. It’s part of the 10th Old School Kung Fu Fest: Sword Fighting Heroes Edition from April 21-30, 2023!

Tickets are on sale right here!

APRIL MOVIE THON 2: Angel of H.E.A.T. (1983)

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April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

At the beginning of this movie, Angel Harmony (Marilyn Chambers) is given a Doc Savage-like origin and you know, I was super into this movie, hoping that it would be a comedy version of pulp and Eurospy film cliches.

Sadly, this was not the case.

As computers are being taken, secret agents Samantha Vitesse (Mary Woronov, this movie is not all bad),  Mark Wisdom (Stephen Johnson) and Harry Covert (Milt Kogan) are assigned to solve the crime. There’s another group called The Protectors, who Angel works for, that wants to destroy the computers as they believe they are too powerful for anyone to possess.

Wait — if this is about The Protectors, who is H.E.A.T.? And what does it stand for? Well, Angel runs the group, because it means Harmony’s Elite Assault Team. Yes, I am also confused.  They are able to — according to this film — act “unhindered by bureaucratic lethargy and political corruption were able to strike fast and efficiently at the soft underbelly of Satan’s horde!” Yes, a they is missing there. The other members of her team include the Japanese Mean Wong (Andy Adams, you aren’t fooling anyone, that’s Randy West, who is not Japanese and was born in New York City) and German Hans Zeisel (Gerald Okamura, not German and born in Hawaii).

Somehow, this involves a disco named The Faux Pax and a small man named Randy Small (Jerry Rilley) rides Angel around. There’s also a scientist who makes New Wave music and has an army of sex slave killer androids.

It’s also filled with Bond jokes, Chambers saying “So that’s what’s behind the green door,” West speaking with subtitles and a movie that feels like it wants to be what Andy Sidaris would later perfect but never gets close to it.

That’s a shame, as Chambers was pretty good in this. Even her martial arts — clothed and unclothed — look pretty legitimate. Angel of H.E.A.T. is one of the few mainstream films she made after going from Ivory Snow model to Behind the Green Door, one of the biggest adult films of the porn chic era. Rabid is the only other major mainstream role that she had, but she also sang the song “Benihana” and kept coming back to adult and was always in demand. Sadly, she died at 56 of a cerebral hemorrhage caused by an aneurysm related to heart disease.

This was directed by Myrl A. Schreibman, who also made The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything and Parts: The Clonus Horror. Oh yeah, he also made Liberty and Bash, which teams up Miles O’Keefe and Lou Ferrigno and why am I not watching Ator and Hercules in a buddy cop movie right now?

APRIL MOVIE THON 2: How to Kill 400 Duponts (1967)

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April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

Also known as Arrriva Dorellik, this stars Johnny Dorelli as Dorellik, a character that he played on the television show Johnny Sera that is obviously inspired by Diabolik. His Eva Kant is Baby Eva, played by Margaret Lee, who was a big Eurospy star, appearing in Our Agent Tiger, Agent 077: From the Orient with Fury, Kiss the Girls and Make Them Die, Dick Smart 2007, Secret Agent Super Dragon and OSS 117 – Double Agent. She also somehow made it through 12 movies alongside Klaus Kinski, as the pairing of the two was quite popular.

This movie actually came out before Danger:Diabolik and the producer of the movie, Dino De Laurentiis, sued the makers of this film and made them change the title (which means Here Comes Dorellik) to How to Kill 400 Duponts. What’s funny is that this film’s Inspector Ginko, known as Police Commissioner Green, is played by Terry-Thomas, who ended up being in the De Laurentiis-produced movie.

As for the story, Dorellik must kill everyone with the last name Dupont if he wants to inherit a large fortune. It’s all rather silly instead of a true Eurospy movie, but the ending, where Dorellik and Green switch faces to their surprise is pretty funny.

Director Steno was a brand name for Italian comedies for years. The script was written by Franco Castellano and Giuseppe Moccia, who wrote fifty movies together and directed twenty.

 

APRIL MOVIE THON 2: The Love Factor (1969)

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April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

Directed by Michael Cort, who wrote it with Alistair McKenzie and Christopher Neame, The Love Factor is also known as Zeta One. It’s about secret agent James Word (Robin Hawdon) telling his boss W’s Ann (Yutte Stensgaard, Some Girls Do) about his latest adventure just as we also meet Zeta (Dawn Addams, The Vault of Horror) and her cadre of alien women from the planet Angvia — get it, it’s an anagram for vagina — who are trying to find new girls for their planet while also fighting off Major Bourden (James Robertson Justice) and his henchman Swyne (Charles Hawtrey).

Zeta has a formidable force of extraordinary magnitude, including Brigitte Skay (Isabella Duchess of the Devils), Anna Gael (Nana), Wendy Lingham, Valerie Leon (Queen Kong), Kirsten Betts (Twins of Evil) and Carol Hawkins (The Body Stealers).

Released in America by Film Ventures International four years after it played England as Zeta One, it was first shown as The Love Slaves and the next year was renamed The Love Factor. It was produced by Tigon and Vernon Sewell directed some of the scenes.

This is like Bond, Barbarella and pop art mixed with pasties, go go boots and the kind of humor that has the secret agent show up late and just want to make love to the many, many aliens he’s battling. It doesn’t make much sense, but who cares? It starts with a thirty-minute strip poker scene that really goes nowhere as well, but when you’re having fun, who is looking at the run time?

APRIL MOVIE THON 2: Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill (1966)

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April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

Instead of having that who is your favorite Bond discussion, we should all talk about who our favorite remix remake ripoff Bond is or which movie is best. Man, Kiss Kiss, Kill Kill is a pretty good one, even if it has some of the most laddish louts I’ve seen in one of these.

Based on Kommisar X, a popular series of crime novels from Germany, Kommissar X is a private detective and FBI Special Agent named Joe Walker, who is played by Tony Kendall. He’s paired with New York City police captain Tom Rowland is played by Brad Harris).

This is just the first of seven movies in this series of films. In 1966 alone, this movie, Kommissar X – Drei gelbe Katzen (Three Yellow Cats AKA Death is Nimble, Death is Quick) and Kommissar X – In den Klauen des goldenen Drachen (So Darling, So Deadly) all were released, followed by Kommissar X – Drei grüne Hunde (Death Trip AKA Kill Me Gently) in 1967, Kommissar X – Drei blaue Panther (Three Blue Panthers AKA Kill Panther Kill) a year later, Kommissar X – Drei goldene Schlangen (Three Golden Serpents AKA Island of Lost Girls) in 1969 and finally, 1971’s Kommissar X jagt die roten Tiger (FBI: Operation Pakistan AKA Tiger Gang).

The two men meet and come together to figure out why a scientist named Bob Carroll was killed. It. turns out that a rich villain named Oberon (Nikola Popović) who was stealing gold from his partners by irradiating it and having Carroll fix that at the cost of his own life when he became sick.

With a theme song called “I Love You Joe Walker,” you know that he’s going to be one of those spies that swing.

I kind of wonder how every Eurospy villain has an army made up of women with go go boots. And somehow, Joe Walker can turn any of them to his side with just a kiss. One can only imagine if he can do that vertically, what he does when things get horizontal.

Director Gianfranco Parolini went from peplum to westerns to Eurospy with ease, making three of the movies in this series, as well as The Three Fantastic Supermen, If You Meet Sartana…Pray for Your Death, the three Sabata movies, God’s Gun and the fantastic Yeti Giant of the 20th Century. He wrote the script along with Giovanni Simonelli (Jungle Raiders, The Crimes of the Black Cat, The Face With Two Left Feet, A Cat In the Brain), based on the books by Paul Alfred Müller AKA Bert F. Island.

This movie is a total blast, made in the time when ironic and cynical films did not seem to exist.

TUBI ORIGINAL: Blood, Sweet and Cheers (2023)

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Renee (Tammin Sursok, Tubi original Love and Penguins and the upcoming sequel You, Me and the Penguins) keeps arguing with her daughter Cherie (Monroe Cline, Tubi original Teardrop) about working harder in cheerleading and getting a scholarship. She ends up pushing her away and when Cherie moves into her father’s house, Renee decides that she should probably get accepted on a high school cheering team and getting that scholarship for her daughter, despite being at the very least thirty.

Oh man — Tubi is bringing it.

Director Traci Hays told Fangoria, “I was drawn to this campy, over-the-top, self-aware, dark comedy because of its twists and turns that follow a flawed and fierce female lead with something to prove. It’s a nostalgic classic high school tale reminiscent of films like Heathers, Mean Girls, The Breakfast Club, and Clueless.”

You had me for a while there, Traci.

Anyways, between clashing with the assistant principal (Doug Dawsom), the captain of the team (Aliyah J. Vasquez) and teacher Mrs. Jenkins (Rhyn McLemore), as well as getting all heated up over a young man named Ramsey (John Paul Kakos) who teaches the ways of love, even getting caught by her friend Lana (Courtney James Clark), Renne takes over the school through her cheering powers and, well, straight up drug planting and murder.

Hilariously, after all that, Coach Forrest (Sasha Hatfield) still wants to give her a scholarship.

This movie claims to be based on a true story, which one assumes would be the case of Wendy Brown, a 33-year-old mother who took her 15-year-old daughter’s place on her cheer team. When her daughter enrolled in a school in Nevada, Brown went to Ashwaubenon High School in her place, all with the goal of making up for the things she never did in her life, like earning a high school diploma and being a cheerleader.

This movie should have pushed for even more craziness, but as it is, I had a lot of fun watching it. The budget is obviously low, but the concept is high, even if it’s based, as mentioned above, on a story that is incredibly true.

You can watch this on Tubi.

10TH OLD SCHOOL KUNG FU FEST: The Assassin (2015)

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Loosely based on Nie Yinniang by Pei Xing, The Assassin is the story of Nie Yinniang (Shu Qi), a killing machine who recieves missions to terminate corrupt politicans from the nun and master who has raised her since she was a child. Yet when she starts to show mercy, she’s given a mission to test her: she must kill military governor Tian Ji’an (Chang Chen), who is not only her cousin, but the man that she was married to as a child, before all this killing. Yet she soon learns that if she kills Tian Ji’an before his sons are old enough to lead his village of Weibo, she will plunge the world into even more darkness than proving herself to someone who only cares who she murders.

This film was recognized outside of its home country, as Hou Hsiao-hsien won Best Director at the Cannes Film Festival. It was shot in higher mountainous regions of China, places that the director felt were untouched. “We looked for higher-altitude places where modern society hasn’t come in,” he explained to the New York Times. It was also Taiwan’s entry to the Oscars.

It’s more acting and scenery-driven than fighting, unlike so many wuxia, but man, this is a gorgeous film.

Want to see it for yourself?

The Assassin will play Saturday, April 29 at 7 PM in Theater 1 and Sunday, April 30 at 9:15 PM in Theater 1 at Metrograph and Subway Cinema in New York City. It’s part of the 10th Old School Kung Fu Fest: Sword Fighting Heroes Edition from April 21-30, 2023!

Tickets are on sale right here!

10TH OLD SCHOOL KUNG FU FEST: The King of Wuxia (2022)

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Director Lin Jing-Jie’s The King of Wuxia tells the story of one of the most talented — if unheralded in the Western world — filmmakers, King Hu. Bringing together actors, choreographers, critics, scholars, producers, fellow directors and others who knew and loved Hu to pay tribute to him, it’s a must-watch for fans of not just martial arts and wuxia cinema, but films as a whole.

From explorations of his best-known films Dragon Inn and A Touch of Zen— look for directors John Woo, Tsui Hark and Ann Hui to lend their adoration and scholarship — to the story of Hu’s life and his final unmade movie, this is everything I hoped that it would be and more.

You’ll also hear from Sammo Hung, Pei-Pei Cheng, Peggy Chiao and more, this is a three and a half hour deep dive into the life and films of a creator I’m glad that I now know more about.

There are some amazing scenes in the first part with Peking Opera performers where they show off their sword fighting and jumping ability, as another set of talented performers create music and sound effects live. I’ve never seen anything like this and it added to the sheer joy of this film, even if the proposed movie that John Woo was going to produce never got made. I mean, Chow Yun Fat leading Chinese railroad workers in America during the Gold Rush to protect their adopted home? I’m all emotional even wondering what that would have been like.

Want to see it for yourself?

The U.S. Premiere of The King of Wuxia is next Friday, April 21 at 7 PM in Theater 1 at Metrograph and Subway Cinema in New York City. It’s part of the 10th Old School Kung Fu Fest: Sword Fighting Heroes Edition from April 21-30, 2023!

Tickets are on sale right here!

DEAF CROCODILE BLU RAY RELEASE: The Tale of Tsar Saltan (1967)

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Deaf Crocodile Films, in association with distribution partner Seagull Films and with restoration from the original camera negative by Mosfilm Studio, has created a new restoration of famed Russian fantasy filmmaker Aleksandr Ptushko’s Skazka O Tsare Saltane.

Adapted from the Alexander Pushkin fairy tale, this movie is beyond gorgeous.

Driven from the Russian court by her evil sisters while Tsar Saltan (Vladimir Andreyev) is at war with cannibal trolls, Tsarina (Larisa Golubkina) and her infant son Prince Gvidon are tossed in a cask and launched into stormy seas. Somehow, her son (Oleg Vidov) has grown to adulthood and helps them to make it to an island where he falls in love with a human swan — a wereswan? — princess (Kseniya Ryabinkina) while dreaming of seeing his father again. So he asks the swan to transform him into an insect so he may spy on the evil sisters and learn how he and his mother can finally return to their home.

This is a movie filled with sheer magic, like a town trapped in time that must be rescued, monstrous sea giants, lion statues that come to life and a singing squirrel that is a puppet that will warm even the coldest  of hearts. The fact that this movie is now coming out in the U.S. and can be streamed and purchased on blu ray is the kind of miracle that shows that we are truly in the golden age of physical media.

Deaf Crocodile has already released two other Ptushko films, Ilya Muromets (The Sword & the Dragon) and Sampo (The Day the Earth Froze). They’ve described his work as a combination of Walt Disney, Ray Harryhausen and Mario Bava, which sounds too fantastic but I can assure you is completely true. If you’re wondering if you’ve heard of this creative force, he co-wrote Viy.

You can get The Tale of Tsar Saltan from Deaf Crocodile. It features a newhour-long video interview with legendary visual effects artist and film historian Robert Skotak on Aleksandr Ptushko and the history of Soviet fantastika filmmaking, moderated by Dennis Bartok of Deaf Crocodile Films, a new commentary track by comics artist (Swamp Thing), film historian and author Stephen R. Bissette, a new essay by film historian and professor Peter Rollberg (Historical Dictionary of Russian and Soviet Cinema) and box art by Tony Stella.

APRIL MOVIE THON 2: The Van (1977)

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April 15: King Yourself! — Pick a movie released by Crown International Pictures. Here’s a list!

The song in this movie, “Chevy Van” by Sammy Johns*, is a lie, because the protagonist of The Van, Bobby (Stuart Goetz), drives a 1976 Dodge B200 Tradesman customized by George Barris.

As for me, I grew up with two Ford Custom vans, one a basic panel van that I used to be a landscaper and the other a fully customized one with tables and chairs and shag carpeting. Yeah! 9 miles to the gallon!

Crown International Pictures took what worked for American-International Pictures and their beach party movies and added sex and drugs. This movie comes from the days before AIDS, before women truly being characters with agency in movies (well, not all the time) and even before Porky’s.

What it does have is Danny DeVito as Bobby’s friend Andy. And such well-known vans that two of the automobiles from this movie, Straight Arrow and Van Killer, were released as toy cars.

Bobby wants Sally (Connie Hoffman) but she’s already dating tough guy Dugan (Steve Oliver). So he tries to get with Tina (Deborah White), who is way too good for him, before racing Dugan and rolling his van. He survives and moves on vanless.

Director Sam Grossman only directed this film. Writer Robert J. Rosenthal also wrote The Pom Pom Girls, Malibu Beach and Zapped! while Celia Susan Cotelo was also a writer on Malibu Beach.

If you liked this, I can also recommend Van Nuys Blvd. and, of course, Supervan.

*Nine other songs by the artist are in this: “Early Morning Love,” “Jenny,” “Rag Doll,” “Hang My Head and Moan, “Country Lady,” “You’re So Sweet,” “Peas in a Pod,” “Bless My Soul” and “Hey, Mr. Dreamer.”