APRIL MOVIE THON 2: Angel of H.E.A.T. (1983)

April 16: Shaken, Stirred, Whatever — Write about a Eurospy movie that’s kind of like Bond but not Bond.

At the beginning of this movie, Angel Harmony (Marilyn Chambers) is given a Doc Savage-like origin and you know, I was super into this movie, hoping that it would be a comedy version of pulp and Eurospy film cliches.

Sadly, this was not the case.

As computers are being taken, secret agents Samantha Vitesse (Mary Woronov, this movie is not all bad),  Mark Wisdom (Stephen Johnson) and Harry Covert (Milt Kogan) are assigned to solve the crime. There’s another group called The Protectors, who Angel works for, that wants to destroy the computers as they believe they are too powerful for anyone to possess.

Wait — if this is about The Protectors, who is H.E.A.T.? And what does it stand for? Well, Angel runs the group, because it means Harmony’s Elite Assault Team. Yes, I am also confused.  They are able to — according to this film — act “unhindered by bureaucratic lethargy and political corruption were able to strike fast and efficiently at the soft underbelly of Satan’s horde!” Yes, a they is missing there. The other members of her team include the Japanese Mean Wong (Andy Adams, you aren’t fooling anyone, that’s Randy West, who is not Japanese and was born in New York City) and German Hans Zeisel (Gerald Okamura, not German and born in Hawaii).

Somehow, this involves a disco named The Faux Pax and a small man named Randy Small (Jerry Rilley) rides Angel around. There’s also a scientist who makes New Wave music and has an army of sex slave killer androids.

It’s also filled with Bond jokes, Chambers saying “So that’s what’s behind the green door,” West speaking with subtitles and a movie that feels like it wants to be what Andy Sidaris would later perfect but never gets close to it.

That’s a shame, as Chambers was pretty good in this. Even her martial arts — clothed and unclothed — look pretty legitimate. Angel of H.E.A.T. is one of the few mainstream films she made after going from Ivory Snow model to Behind the Green Door, one of the biggest adult films of the porn chic era. Rabid is the only other major mainstream role that she had, but she also sang the song “Benihana” and kept coming back to adult and was always in demand. Sadly, she died at 56 of a cerebral hemorrhage caused by an aneurysm related to heart disease.

This was directed by Myrl A. Schreibman, who also made The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything and Parts: The Clonus Horror. Oh yeah, he also made Liberty and Bash, which teams up Miles O’Keefe and Lou Ferrigno and why am I not watching Ator and Hercules in a buddy cop movie right now?

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