TUBI EXCLUSIVE: Teardrop (2022)

That Tubi exclusive banner on movies is like a must be 18 years to rent sticker for my ancient brain because I keep watching these movies. Teardrop has two teachers — Chris (Jeff Branson, who was in the 2010 remake of I Spit On Your Grave) and Rebecca (Murray Gray) — who have brought three of their students — Josie (Rachael Thundat), Teala (Megan Lee) and Ross (Michael MacLane) — to the ghost town of Teardrop.

From the first meeting with hotel owner Denver (Bradley Fisher), you can tell that things aren’t going to end well. The whole town is infused with evil due to some hangings in its past and Chris just keeps coming back, again and again, probably dying over and over while dooming everyone who comes with him.

Sadly, none of the characters demonstrate a single unique angle: Josie uses her looks to get whatever she wants, Teala is an Asian hard working professional student and Ross is a white rapper who alternatively tries to connect and push away women. Chris is a writer whose failures have pushed him to teaching and then this town that he’s always felt drawn to, kind of like the Branson version of Jack Torrance while Rebecca starts to fall for him for no reason whatsoever. Also: edibles instead of smoking weed because it’s 2022.

Ah, it all makes sense to me now. Director Steven R. Monroe made those I Spit On Your Grave remakes as well as the film Complacent and, as most horror directors do these days, plenty of holiday streaming offerings. It was written by Spyder Dobrofsky who also alternates between horror and holidays.

Of all things, I liked the local girl — well, she can shapeshift, so I don’t want to be misgendering someone with that ability — who basically keeps telling the rapping kid that she’s dead and that he’s going to die too and even after she makes him puke all over the place — and lose his chain — he still considers going back to hook up. I grew up in a small town too, even if we weren’t all ghosts that had been lynched a century and change ago and I often wanted to tell anyone new to get out and go anywhere else.

Nobody ever listened.

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