Thor the Conqueror (1983)

The craze of making barbarian movies post-Conan the Barbarian had to feel like going back home for director Tonino Ricci, as he worked on the second unit on Thor and the Amazon Women all the way back in 1963, as well as other peblum movies such as Sword of the ConquererErik the Conqueror and Taur, il re della forza bruta. You may also know him for the films he directed, like Kid il monello del westUn omicidio perfetto a termine di legge, RushPanic and Encounters In the Deep.

Writer Tito Carpi wrote plenty of movies I’ve yelled with joy during, such as MartaTentaclesWarriors of the Wasteland and Sinbad of the Seven Seas.

Kind of taking a page out of the aforementioned Arnold movie — but not really — this starts with the death of Thor’s parents. Sure, we see Gant The Annihilator (Angelo Ragusa) speaking with the owl wizard Etna (Christopher Holm) as Thor’s mom squats him out behind a tree, but it’s only minutes before the army of Gnut (Raf Falcone) kill everyone but the wizard and the baby as Gant’s sword turns into a snake.

Thor grows up to be Bruno Minniti, who will grow up to be Rage and Rush. He has to find that sword to become the greatest chief of all time and to get there, he must become the most misogynist hero you’ve ever seen, repeatedly sleeping with women while his ghost owl magician adoptive father watches and yells stuff out and man, Italian movies.

One of those women, a virgin warrior named Sheeba (Maria Romano, Violence in a Women’s Prison) ends up becoming his slave and then his wife after saving him and then bears Thor a child, so sometimes getting caveman dragged into lovemaking can be a meet cute, if we believe a 1983 Italian exploitation movie and we never should.

There’s also Ina (Malisa Longo, who is also in Gunan, King of the Barbarians and was Helga, She Wolf of Stilberg), another virgin warrior that our hero who isn’t a hero must battle.

In the final battle, Etna sends Thor an animal to help him and says, “In days to come, they will call this a horse” and I laughed so hard that even thinking about it now makes me laugh even more.

You can watch this on YouTube.

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