James Glickenhaus — Suicide Cult, The Exterminator, The Soldier, The Protector — brings us this story of Bobby McBain, a soldier who brings together his old buddies to battle a Colombia dictator.

Christopher Walken plays McBain, which has nothing to do with The Simpsons except that this movie and that show got into legal wrangling which led to the cartoon to calling McBain his real name, Rainier Wolfcastle.

Besides a role for a young Luis Guzmán and an appearance by MTV VJ Karen “Duff” Duffy in a crack den, this movie also has Michael Ironsides, Steve James from The Delta Force and María Conchita Alonso.

It’s kind of mindblowing to see a star the level of Walken in a movie with Ironsides and James. It kind of also makes me deliriously happy.

Directed by, written by and starring Marco Antonio Andolfi — who also did the special effects — who claims he based this on comic books, plays and his real life, which really says a lot I guess. Eight years later, he took all this footage, re-edited it and threw in some footage he stole from The Serpent and the Rainbow like a good Italian filmmaker and called the film that ensured Talisman.

Marco Sartori (Andolfi) is wearing a huge cross with seven jewels — everyone cheer for the title reference — that gets turn off by some motorcycle criminals, which was what really happened to Andolfi and inspired this. Well, he needs that cross because without it, he turns into a weresomething, by which I mean that he’s nearly naked, except for a furry bikini and mask.

A mob boss (George Ardisson, who was once Secret Agent 3S3 and Thesus in Bava’s Hercules in the Haunted World) explains how he can get the cross back and lets one of his best girls, Maria (Annie Belle, who was in D’Amato’s Absurd and L’alcova) come along.

There’s also a fortune teller named Madame Amnesia played by former Miss World Zaira Zoccheddu, as well as Satanic cult that is whipping women and having sex because that’s how you raise the prince of all things evil from his slumber and sure, he looks like Chewbacca, but come on, he’s also the father — maybe? — of our hero. He at least did his mom and if I were a bad guy, I’d definitely say that out loud to get under a werewolf’s skin. Or fur.

Also, Gordon Mitchell leads the Black Mass and really, that’s enough to get me to spend $40 on this whenever Severin gets around to putting it out on blu ray.

If you find a weird movie on Tubi that sounds like another movie, chances are that BC Fourteen wrote and directed it. Fast and the Furry. Pets. Trolling. Avenger Dogs Christmas. Trump vs. the Illuminati. I’d like to think that he is an active artificial intelligence making these things based on slips of paper fed into him by an army of small children trained at birth to know what trends will be hot. Also, he’s from Pittsburgh, which makes me wonder so many more questions.

Most of those questions are about this movie, which has a clone of Van Helsing and Bigfoot being brought in to defend the Earth from the Illuminati, who have recruited Aleister Crowley in the body of an alien. And it’s all computer animated. I honestly can’t believe this thing exists and wonder if it was made specifically for me to find.

Also Dr. Jekyll is one of the good guys fighting the lizard aliens. And Stalin is in it. Plus Egyptian God of the Dead Anubis.And everyone human looks like Master Chief.

There’s also Bigfoot vs. Megalodon which has the furry guy against a robot Nazi shark.

More of these movies now.

You can watch this on Tubi.

There are movies that blow your mind and then there are movies that make you wonder if you’ve been experiencing reality properly. I use the term movie drugs on here pretty often.

Welcome to the black tar heroin of movie drugs.

Chung-Hsing Chao was an actor who’d been in movies like  Buddha’s Palm and Dragon Fist, Heroic Rivals and Born Invicible, as well as a stunt coordinator for Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow II, The Miracle Fighters and Magnificent 7 Kung Fu Kids. He also directed this movie along with Chun-Liang Chen. These are simple facts.

They can’t explain to you what you’re about to see.

The first of the Taiwanese Peach Kid trilogy — along with Magic of Spell and Magic Warriors — the movie adapts the Japanese legend of Momotaro, a hero born from a giant peach who battles demons with his animal friends, not unlike Yokai Monsters: Spook Warfare.

Again all facts.

So how about this? Imagine if Superman’s parents found him inside a piece of fruit and name him Peach Kid and raise him to be a good person, which means fighting King Devil, the man who has wanted him dead since he was a baby. But also keep in mind that Superman’s parents are an old married couple and are constantly battling one another in a war of words, more like a real married couple than the comic book unreality.

Also imagine that movies for kids can be filled with incredible degrees of violence and profanity while still telling a positive lesson. Where monkeys peeing is the height of comedy — it is — and speaking of animals, our hero can team up with Tiny Dog, Tiny Monkey, Tiny Cock and Knight Melon to fight evil, which takes the form of a witch and her army of miniature 80s hair metal dudes.

There’s also a peach-based robot, a Sun Sword, demon dismemberment, stunts that look way to painful to have not been, incredible fights, wire work, a demonic mutant shark getting definned and so much more.

Really, these kinds of movies need to be experienced in what I refer to as analog moments, where you stop taking notes and just let the high overtake you. This is high level strangeness from Taiwan, a country very much unlike our own, made decades ago and unconcerned with looking or feeling or acting like any movie that’s come before or since. Shut off that part of your mind that says that this is alien, that this is silly, that this is a goofy martial arts movie and you can see how fake the effects are. Pretend you’re a child again. Pretend you’re a cosmic being. Pretend that the world can be this good, if even for the running time of this film.

You can watch this on YouTube.

Look, sometimes even I just don’t know. Back in 1990, Salman Rushdie was targeted for death and it was all people talked about and his bok The Satanic Verses was available everywhere and got way bigger than it would have been otherwise. I mean, my parents bought a copy.

Three brothers — a cop and two low level bad guys — lose their sister to the outbreak of violence in the protests over the book, so they decide to avenge her and Islam’s honor by hunting down and killing Rushdie. They’re the good guys.

Rushie is a Bond supervillain who wants to destroy so that he can build casinos, nightclubs and brothels around the world. He’s also hiding in the Philippines where the Israeli Army guards him but can’t stop God, as three Quaran appear in the sky and lighting strike him to Hell.

So what did Rushdie himself think of a movie where three goofballs dress as Batman to come and kill him? After it was banned in the UK, he asked for that to be overturned, saying “As a writer, I am opposed in principle to the use of the archaic criminal laws of blasphemy, sedition and criminal libel against creative works, even in the case of a film which quite plainly vilifies me.”

It’s also 2 hours and 48 minutes out of your life.

Luckily, the always dependable White Slaves of Chinatown have it on their YouTube page.

Fabrizio De Angelis may not rank as high as his Italian moviemaking brethern, but the guy made all three Thunder movies and that alone makes him a star in my world even before you factor in Killer Crocodile, the Karate Warrior series and the fact that he wrote Zombie Holocaust, which became Dr. Butcher M.D.

So hey — what if he remade The Karate Kid and brought son of Italian movie star Antonio Sabato Jr. in for the Daniel-san role? He’d make me deliriously happy, that’s what. He plays Kevin Foster, who has to leave behind Oakland and his dad, police officer John Foster (David Werbeck!) asks his friend Billy to look after him.

As soon as the kid with the iron hands comes to town, he ends up hooking up with karate champ Jeff Hunter’s girl Kim (Natalie Hendrix, whose acting biography is filled with roles playing reporters and news anchors). They win a dance contest and so instead of a fistfight, they end up having a car race through the Tunnel Of Death. And then the goons destroy Kevin’s friend’s Jeep. And then, and only then, does he get his ass handed to him and challenged to a martial arts battle.

There is no rock. There is little karate. I was mesmerized for every single minute of the 86-minute run time of this movie. It’s also shot nowhere near where it’s set and is instead made in Savannah, Georgia.

If you want to get my attention, you make a movie in Italy and title it Beyond the Omega, just this close to a Joe D’Amato title, and I’ll spend hours of my life hunting your movie down online.

Also known as Il Tio Sepolcro…La Nostra Alcova (Your Sepulcher…Our Alcove, which also references another D’Amato title slightly, L’alcova), this is the tale of Aris (Lorenzo Lepori, who directed Catacomba and Flesh Contagium), whose bride-to-be Iris is murdered, an event that sends him on a death plunge that he may never escape.

The killer (Pio Bisanti) keeps on killing while Aris takes to the woods with a love doll named Persephone (Benedetta Rossi) who just so happens to be able to come to life. Of course, the more she’s alive, the more she looks like she’s dead and the more Aris seems to want her. Seeing as how he never got to make love to the virginal Iris, now he’s using that doll for everything he wanted his wife for. And perhaps more.

I mean, am I reading too much into the lead character’s name — Aristodemus — being so close to the real name of D’Amato, Aristide Massaccesi?

Director and writer Mattia De Pascali (McBetter) told the site Il Gabinetto Del Dott Trash (The Cabinet of Dr. Trash) “It was never my intention to make a remake of Buio Omega. D’Amato’s film inspired me to rework an old idea on a theme, that of the doll that comes to life, which has nothing to do with the 1979 classic. We treaded a bit in promoting Beyond The Omega as a tribute to Beyond The Darkness (aka Buio Omega) more to attract the attention of the public than for my real artistic need.”

This is one weird and quite frankly disturbing trip. Hail to Italy for remembering that it has roots in movies devoted to disturbing audiences!

Also known as Lucifer, this movie has a killer that even the police start to realize may have an actual mission from Satan himself. He starts with a schoolyard massacre and then comes after the only survivor, Mandy, who is being protected by the police. It’s pretty shocking, to be perfectly honest, to see a priest stab a woman and then just open fire on a playground packed with small children. You don’t see that in many — any — slashers.

Sadly, this movie never gets better or stranger or remains as shockingly original as that first scene. The cop falls for Mandy’s mom, they go on a bird watching vacation and the priest just keeps killing people when he isn’t stalking our little child protagonist.

The killer priest is a great idea and so underused. So maybe instead of this one — spoiler warning — you could watch Seven Bloodstained Orchids, Silver Bullet, Don’t Torture a Duckling, City of the Living Dead, To the Devil a Daughter, Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil and Happy Hell Night.