Penelope Spheeris made Wayne’s World, which is what so many know her for. Me, I remember when she made the three The Decline of Western Civilization movies. I would also like to forget that she made The Beverly Hillbillies and The Little Rascals.

She also made this movie about a vice squad that battles drug dealers and pornographers. In fact, three different teams of Hollywood Vice Squad officers work on three separate cases which include mob-run betting parlor, a bondage porn director and an old gangster who runs a teenage prostitution ring. Yes, there’s something here for the whole family.

Officers Chang (Evan C. Kim, Loo from The Kentucky Fried Movie) and Stevens (Joey Travolta) are two of the cops and their game is to act like Chang is a tourist. Things go too far when one of the girls ends up being a man with a knife, leading to a tense moment.

There’s also Officer Melton (Carris Fisher), who the boys — Jensen (Ronny Cox), Chavez and Miller — don’t trust to go after a BDSM director on her own.

Oh yeah — Pauline Stanton (Trish Van DeVere, the widow of George C. Scott) is looking for her daughter (Robin Wright), who has been kidnapped by James Walsh, owner of Pretty Girl Escorts. You know what I say: Never trust someone played by Frank Gorshin.

One of the other cops is played by Leon Isaac Kennedy, who was in all the Penitentiary movies as Martel “Too Sweet” Gordone. He should know something about vice, as he’s one of the first celebrities to have a sex tape leak, albeit one with his then-wife Jayne Kennedy.

Hard Boiled Haggerty is also in this, as he is in every movie that needed a bald henchman that Richard Moll had no interest in. He’s a former pro wrestler that shows up in more movies than you can imagine — everything from Paint Your Wagon to Earthquake, Deathsport and Rad.

Actually, I recognize so many people here. There’s Cec Verrell from Hell Comes to Frogtown. Beau Starr — yes, Sheriff Ben Meeker — is here. Julius Harris — Gravedigger from Darkman and Tee Hee Johnson from Live and Let Die is about the place. And Sandra Crisp, who was also known as Goddess Bunny, a drag queen star who survived a horrifying foster family and polio.

Kenneth Peters also wrote Vice Squad. No relation and no Wings Hauser.

This movie is, charitably, a mess. Fisher realized that and used it as the inspiration for the movie within her book Postcards from the Edge. But hey — you may like it. Check it out on Amazon Prime or Tubi.

What does it get for me to watch a movie? Sometimes, it’s the idea that “Grandpa” Al Lewis (in his final movie), Corey Feldman and James Hong would somehow all be in a beach sex comedy about a bet between rival South Beach volleyball teams.

This is the one and done for director Joe Esposito, who is harkening back to the summer evenings when Hardbodies aired seemingly non-stop on Cinemax. Well, sir, I have seen Hardbodies 900 times. I am a friend of Hardbodies. South Beach Academy, you are no Hardbodies.

Elizabeth Kaitan, Robin from the seventh Friday the 13th and Candy in four of the six Vice Academy movies, is on hand. So is Julie Cialini, Playboy’s Miss February 1994 and 1995 Playmate of the Year.

If you watched USA Up All Night, good news. You’ve already seen this. For the rest of you that did normal things and slept and didn’t watch sex movies on basic cable, why are you reading this?

You can watch this on Tubi and Vudu.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This review was originally posted on June 19, 2019, back when I was lost in the throes of trying to watch every single Linda Blair movie in the same week. It fits perfectly into this week of Police Academy films. Now, I have to watch the other two Jackie Kong movies that I am missing.

If you learn anything today, know that Linda Blair and Murray Langston, AKA The Unknown Comic, made two movies together: the romantic comedy Up Your Alley and this film, which takes Police Academy to an even filthier and more ridiculous level. Seriously: there’s no way this movie could have been made in 2019.

Jackie Kong directed four movies: The Being, The Underachievers, Blood Diner and this one, all with Bill Osco. Osco started his career producing adult films and would go on to star in The Being under the name Rexx Coltrane before starting to direct his own projects, starting with the comedy special The Unknown Comedy Show, a vehicle for Langston. Seeing as how two of his directing efforts are The Art of Nude Bowling and Cat Fight Wrestling, you’ll get an idea of where this film is heading.

Officer Melvin White (Langston) wants to be a stand-up comic, so to hide from his boss Captain Lewis (Billy Barty!), he becomes The Unknown Comic. At the very same time, a man with a paper bag over his head — and here I am assuming anyone in 2019 knows who The Unknown Comic is or what he looks like — is committing crimes.

Linda Blair comes in as Officer Sue Perman, who operates the switchboard for the police. Then there’s comedian and perennial Presidential candidate Pat Paulsen as Melvin’s partner, Officer Kent Lane. Pat Morita also shows up as a sexual assault victim and there’s an ongoing joke with Sydney Lassick (Charlie from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest) as a peeping tom.

Jack Riley, who played Bob Newhart’s patient Elliot Carlin has graduated from patient to doctor, here playing Murray’s therapist Dr. Zieglar. Throw in comedians Johnny Dark, Bill Kirchenbauer and Vic Dunlop, as well as Jaye P. Morgan, disc jockey Machine Gun Kelly (who is also in Roller Boogie and Voyage of the Rock Aliens) and an incredibly young Andrew Dice Clay.

There really isn’t any story here, but you do get Billy Barty farting throughout the film and the heroes donning blackface to solve a crime. There’s also a gay copy team, so this movie goes out of its way to offend nearly everyone. That said, it does have Linda punching a really obnoxious rich girl, which makes the movie.

Yes, Nico Mastorakis, the same maniac who made Island of Death, Blind Date and The Zero Boys, made a Police Academy ripoff. It also checks off another box with an appearance by Phillip, who is pretty much James Bond. Also, because this is Mastorakis, there’s some full-frontal nudity.

Also, Mastorakis never meant to actually direct the film, but after seeing that some of the dallies, he fired the original director and took over.

Gerald Okamura, the Hard Master from the first G.I. Joe movie and one of the hatchet men in Big Trouble In Little China, is Chiba, a man who owns a ninja academy in Topanga Canyon. His enemy owns Beverly Hills Ninja Academy. And just like Camp North Star and Camp Mohawk, they must battle.

There’s a mime, a klutz, some attractive women, a wiseacre and all the things you expect from this genre. Is Police Academy ripoff a genre? It is now.

Becky LeBeau, whose IMDB resume has Joysticks, multiple David Lee Roth videos, Hollywood Hot Tubs, Back to School, The Under Achievers, Not of This Earth, Rock-A-Die Baby and both Munchie movies, is in this. That alone should give you reason to find a copy of your own.

Also: a band on the soundtrack is called The Piggy Dicks. That is now my favorite band name ever.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This review was originally posted on our site on April 13, 2019, back when we were discussing teen sex comedies. A year later and not much has changed.

Any movie that starts with a plane crashing into downtown LA that’s played as a total farce is one I’m going to remember. Philo (Brett Cullen, who was on Falcon Crest and played Johnny Blaze’s dad in 2007’s Ghost RIder) has always wanted to be a pilot, but that crash — in a simulator — is because his contact lenses got knocked out by his friend and fellow pilot George (Donny Most, here booked as Don).

They decide that they want to stay on planes, so they enroll at Weidermeyer Academy, a stewardess school. Imagine Police Academy throughout this movie, with the teachers like Miss “Ironpants” Grummet as the older cops and the students as the cadets. Mary Cadorette — who played Vicky, the girl who finally got Jack Tripper to settle down and go from Three’s Company to Three’s a Crowd — is Kelly Johnson, an extremely clumsy girl. There’s a stereotypical gay guy. A frumpy overweight girl played by Wendie Jo Sperber, as Wendie played this role in nearly every film. There’s Wanda Polanski, a pro wrestler who just lost her latest boyfriend played by Conan the Barbarian‘s Sandahl Bergman. Julia Montgomery — yes, Betty Childs herself — plays an overly nice version of that role. Corinne Bohrer plays a punk rock girl in love with a biker (she’s a vet of these movies, appearing in Zapped!, Joysticks, Surf II, Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love and the fourth Police Academy movie). And oh yeah — Judy Landers as Sugar Dubois, a hooker with a heart of gold that’s on work release.

After going through hell, everyone graduates and gets a job at the struggling Stromboli Air. Their first flight has a blind person’s convention and a man with a bomb who doses people with LSD. Of course, our heroes have to land the plane and fix things. But don’t worry — everything works out just fine.

Voiceover artist Rob Paulsen (Pinky of Pinky and the Brain amongst 250 different animated characters and over 1000 commercials) shows up in a rare live-action role. Sherman Helmsley appears briefly as Mr. Buttersworth. And the owner of the school is played by William Bogert, who hosted the Frontline segments on Chapelle’s Show.

If you had Comedy Central in the 1990’s, there’s a good chance you saw this movie. Trust me. You did.

You can watch the whole movie on YouTube:

On Rotten Tomatoes, this movie has a rare approval rating of 0%, meaning no favorable reviews whatsoever. I’m going to say it right here and now: fuck you Rotten Tomatoes. Fuck you for ruining great looking posters with your shitty logo, fuck you for weaponizing criticism and fuck you for not having the sense of humor collectively to love this movie.

Well, I feel better. I’m also never getting to be a certified viewer on that site.

When he’s not talking to his fish Birdie, Commandant Eric Lassard has a good idea every now and then. Because the police force is overworked and understaffed, he’s recruiting civilian volunteers to work with his officers in a program called “Citizens On Patrol” (COP).

This movie neatly reinvents the premise of the first film, with Sergeant Carey Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg), Hightower (Bubba Smith), Jones (Michael Winslow), Tackleberry (David Graf), Sweetchuck (Tim Kazurisnky), Zed (Bobcat Goldthwait), Tackleberry’s wife Kathleen (Colleen Camp), Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook), Hooks (Marion Ramsey), and Nagata (Brian Tochi) training the new class while Captain Harris (G.W. Bailey) and Proctor (Lance Kinsey) back to torment them.

The Citizens on Patrol are played by Corinne Bohrer as Zed’s love interest Laura (she’s also in Joysticks, the immortal Surf II, Zapped! and Stewardess School, so you know she’s in my soul); voiceover actor Derek McGrath as Milt Butterworth; Scott Thomson — not from Kids In the Hall — as Sgt. Chad Copeland; Billie Bird as Tackleberry’s new best friend Mrs. Lois Feldman; David Spade (with Tony Hawk doing his skateboard stunts) as Kyle Rumford; Brian Backer (Rat from Fast Times At Ridgemont High) as Arnie Lewis and Tab Thacker (who would return to the series) as Tommy “House” Conklin.

If you were a skater back in 1987, this movie meant a lot to you. Beyond Hawk, Steve Caballero, Chris Miller, Tommy Guerrero, Lance Mountain and Mike McGill — pretty much the entire Bones Brigade — do an elaborate skating sequence. Stacy Peralta worked as the second-unit director on the film and ended up having to replace Hawk as David Spade’s stunt double as he was too tall.

They skate to Woodbine Centre, where Shazam! and The Freshman were also filmed before they get busted and forced into the COP — again, much like Mahoney in the initial film in this series.

Randall “Tex” Cobb and several gangs — including ninjas — end the movie pretty much reenacting Death Wish 3 without all the rape and gore.

Also, in the tradition of future big stars being in these movies, Sharon Stone plays Mahoney’s love interest. She attributes the collapse of her first marriage to why she made this movie, saying “hanging out with a gang of comedians, it was the best therapy.”

While this movie was being made, the cast also appeared in a full-motion Police Academy video game for Hasbro’s NEMO console. NBA Jam creator Mark Turmell told Polgyon, ““We actually made an interactive Police Academy game,” he says. “With the actors. We actually went down and had all of the production, weeks of filming, and it was all interactive. You could choose this path or that path. Everything was a big flow chart — that was a very exciting project.”

When Hasbro pulled the funding for the VHS powered video game system, the footage went away too. Somewhere, it still exists — a lost Police Academy film.

Directed by Miklos Lente, the cinematographer of Screwballs and Happy Birthday to Me, this movie is pretty much Meatballs. It stars one of America’s favorite drunk, Foster Brooks, and Canada’s answer to Bill Murray, Mike McDonald.

The kids at Camp Bottomout — and let me stress kids, they are 12 or so — have an anti-virginity pact. This would be bad enough, but then they go to a singles bar with a fake ID. Oh 1984, you were wonderful.

This is a movie willing to make jokes about child molestation and still get a PG rating, all while presenting rapid-fire ripoffs of ET and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Canada was a magical land in the 80’s, killing teens on one hand and getting them laid with the other. Long may your tax shelter movies like, neighbor to the north!

You can watch this on YouTube:

The girls of Vice Academy are back again. Linnea Quigley’s Didi gets may be gone and Ginger Lynn’s Holly is in prison, but there’s a whole new environmental issue to deal with and the threat of Malathion (Julia Parton, who did many an adult magazine photoshoot and is the cousin of Dolly), who is out to ruin Earth Day — a holiday created by a murderer (for real).

Luckily, Didi’s little sister Candy (Elizabeth Kaitan, Robin from Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood) has joined the force. Jayne Hamil does not appear as Devonshire with Jordana Capra taking over the role.

I watched all three of these movies one after the other and my brain is completely mush. Thank you, Rick Sloane.

You can watch this on Tubi or grab the Vinegar Syndrome box set and give good taste the middle finger.