CULT EPICS 4K UHD RELEASE: Cheeky! (2000)

Released in Italy as TrasgredireCheeky! finds Tinto Brass — joined by a writing team that included his wife Carla Cipriani, Nicolaj Pennestri, Silvia Rossi and Massimiliano Zanin — for another trip into his erotic world, a place where the rear end can be viewed as the window to the soul.

Seriously, if you think Andy Sidaris fully realized his world of gorgeous women in a world of spy games, it’s time to watch a Tinto Brass film. This time, he centers his gaze on Carla Burin (Yuliya Mayarchuk), a young woman from Venice who has come to England to be with her boyfriend, Matteo (Jarno Berardi). The only one not happy about that is Matteo, who is continually jealous of her. Perhaps he should be, as nearly everyone wants to be with Carla, including Moira (Francesca Nunzi), the real estate agent who rented her a flat, and her French ex-boyfriend Bernard (Mauro Lorenz).

After making movies like Caligula and Salon Kitty, Brass went in the direction of trying to craft worlds that revolved around young women who almost constantly are nude, like a Milo Manara comic book brought to life.

Brass said his intent with Cheeky! was to advance the cause of feminism through the character of Carla. “She’s a modern woman who is fully aware of her sexuality and sensuality, and of her right to enjoy it without subduing herself to a chauvinist mentality. It’s an old habit, a fixation of mine, a belief that in order to discover women’s lies, all you just have to do is look at their ass. Because, as opposed to the face, which is a hypocrite mask capable of faking and lies, the ass doesn’t lie.”

Only Tinto Brass would make this movie, a film that pretty much is the male gaze 200% of the time and believe that it’s a feminist film. Well, it is a joyous one, as love wins out by the end. Mayarchuk, who Brass discovered working in a pizza shop, is shot in every frame like a goddess, but also a conflicted woman who wants the pleasures of the flesh yet doesn’t want to lose the man she loves.

I never watch one of Brass’ later films and feel gross about it. It feels like a celebration of beauty and young lust. Meanwhile, he’s a dirty old man puffing along on a cigar, shooting this all with his wife by his side.

Cult Epics presents the 4K UHD world premiere of the Uncut and Uncensored version of Cheeky. It has commentary by Eugenio Ercolani and Nathaniel Thompson, trailers in 4K, an interview with Massimo Di Venanzo, an isolated score by Pino Donaggio, Backstage with Tinto Brass, trailers, a photo gallery, a double-sided sleeve with original uncensored Italian poster art, a 20-page illustrated booklet with liner notes by Eugenio Ercolani and Domenico Monetti and a slipcase. You can order it from MVD.

25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE and CLEOPATRA DVD RELEASE: Silent Bite (2024)

Directed by Taylor Martin from a script by Simon Phillips — I just reviewed his movie The Bouncer — this starts with the aftermath of a bank robbery committed by a gang of holiday named criminals, including Father Christmas (Phillips), Prancer (Luke Avoledo), Grinch (Nick Biskupek), Rudolph (Dan Molson) and Snowman (Michael Swatton).

They’ve made it to the Jolly Rancher Hotel, but they don’t know that vampires — Mother (Sayla de Goede), Lucia (Louisa Capulet), Victoria (Kelly Schwartz) and Selene (Sienna Star) — are also there, ready to feed on college girls and initiate their new recruit Genie (Camille Blott). Meanwhile, the hotel’s clerk, Colin (Paul Whitney), is playing everyone against one another.

This is a very Tarantino-influenced movie, right down to the DJ (Chad Ridgely) giving us the story of the robbery that we don’t see, as well as someone who planned the heist that we never see, as well as the shift into horror when this starts as a crime film. It’s well done and makes the most of its budget, as well as giving innovative ways to fight vampires, like silver spoons and flash grenades.

Also: Stay tuned for a vampiric Santa.

You can get the Cleopatra DVD release of this movie from MVD.

VISUAL VENGEANCE ON TUBI: Sinister (2011)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Did you know that Visual Vengeance has a ton of movies on Tubi? It’s true. Check out this Letterboxd list and look for reviews as new movies get added. You can find this movie on Tubi.

No, not the 2012 movie Sinister, but instead the 2011 Steve Sessions film.

Gerard Prewitt (Lucien Eisenach) starts this movie by slowly possessing a woman (Isabelle Stephen) who gets nude in a bathtub, then has her mind and body taken over before being drowned. Then, Prewitt selects his second victim, Emily (Donna Hamblin), a career woman who has no time for her brother Sam (Donny Versiga).

Yet she needs him — and an expert in witchcraft (Luc Bernier) — when she starts to believe that she’s being haunted by the ghost of her mother. The truth is that Prewitt has picked her as his next victim, using the body of a dead serial killer to stalk her and an animated skeleton to chase her from room to room of her small home.

The slow burn nature, as well as the look and feel of this movie point to a film more rooted in the 70s weirdness that is the kind of place that I like to soak in, like that first bath scene without me having to take off my clothes. Also: How about that golden hearse the bad guy drives?

So many reviews claim this is too slow, that nothing really happens, that so much happens in real time, that it’s more about mood than being scary. Were they trying to sell this movie to me? Because in their effort to leave low scores, they somehow made me love this even more.

Born a Ninja (some year between 1978 and 1988)

Ninjas. “Life means nothing to them,” says Mister Tanaka, a man who shows up in this wearing an outfit like my dad in the mid 80s, a striped red polo and short shorts.

If you ask IFD what this Joe Law directed and written movie is about, they’d say, “A Japanese scientist tries to conceal a deadly formula, but an undead ace and his ninja devils are determined to use it to cause mischief and mayhem. It is up to Lung, a master of the lost art of Hocus Pocus, to keep evil at bay and prevent mass destruction on a global scale.”

Sure, maybe.

IMDB lists the director as Chi Lo, who used the name Joe Law to make Crippled Masters and Lo Ke to direct Deadly Hands of Kung Fu.  Seeing as how this was produced by Joseph Lai and Betty Chan, all bets are off.

Or maybe this is the same movie as American Commando Ninja and combines a Taiwanese TV show, another movie called Born a Ninja and the kind of dialogue that only can come from a 1980s dubbed into incomprehension ninja movie can give you. Or it’s Silent Killers. It could have so many titles and it would still be hard to tell you what happened.

Let me try.

Mister Tanaka has a secret formula from World War II that just could destroy the world. That much is true. Two women want the formula and they are Becky, who wears a yellow vest and Confederate flag shorts, but I think that means she’s into late 70s and early 80s redneck trends in America a little too late as they move across the globe and isn’t racist like my neighbor who wears short shorts and throws away all his kids toys after his wife took them and also has a huge Southern Cross up on his garage wall despite being an Italian man in Southwestern Pennsylvania. Did I go on a tangent? Becky is joined by Brenda, who loves denim so much she’s wearing it on the top and bottom. They’re joined by master of the hocus pocus style, Larry, which involves your everyday kung fu but also the ability to shoot fire out of his fingertips.

As for the bad guy ninja, that’s Meng Fei, who was also in the Ninja Death trilogy, Night Orchid, Everlasting ChivalryThe Sun Moon Legend and Middle Kingdom’s Mark of Blood. He’s pretty amazing in the last fight scene.

Anyways, Mister Tanaka keeps dreaming of dead people that were killed by this secret back in the war and the secret is a mirrored mustache that you put on a devil mask. There’s also a white ninja named David who battles Larry before they decide to be friends, get a room and drink beer and eat fried cabbage.

Or maybe that was the last movie? Have years of drinking, substances and Godfrey Ho movies dulled my reason and when confronted by this synth-scored shot on video wonder my mind just wanders in between different martial worlds, unsure of all the things I’ve seen, all the ninja deaths I’ve felt as if they were my own? In truth, the only important thing is that ninjas can become straw men and that you can swallow a sword in the middle of a fight and live.

I do know one thing. When David sees Larry hanging out with the two ladies, he says, “Two chicks? You one animal!” That’s exactly how I felt.

You can watch this on Tubi.

25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: A Doggone Christmas (2016)

Starring YouTube star Jesse the Jack Russell Terrier — who would go on to be in two sequel, A Doggone Hollywood and A Doggone Adventure — this is the holiday story of Murphy, a telepathic dog that has been taken by the CIA. Yes, the government is ready to liquidate these children in order to get back their secret weapon, a small dog who is so cute when he’s sleeping.

Now, you may ask, Sam, why did you choose this movie for your Christmas challenge?

Two words: Jim Wynorski.

Even with the assignment of make a cute dog movie for the holidays, Jim goes above and beyond and casts Dominique Swain — yes, Lolita — as a researcher, Gail Thackray (Hard to Die) as a woman on a train and Lauren Parkinson (Snow White from Avengers Grimm: Time Wars and you know I watched the fuck out of that, Merry Christmas) as an agent dressed in skintight leather for the entire movie.

Wynorski understands the idea of something for daddy.

This is the man that made Chopping Mall and here he is, still working, making films for kids to be babysat by via streaming services while they’re on Christmas break. He just made Murderbot last year, so he’s still out there. During the most merry time of the year, let him into your home. If it’s cold outside for you, it’s cold outside for Jim Wynorski.

You can watch this on Tubi.

Ghost Planet (2024)

I’m a big fan of the films of Philip J. Cook, starting with Invader and Beyond the Rising Moon. Recently, Visual Vengeance put out Despiser, one of his movies that I was lucky to get to record a commentary track for. Since then, he’s made Outerworld, the Malice series of films and web series, Pungo: A Witch’s Tale and now this film, Ghost Planet.

All of Cook’s films share a unique look, as he pushes himself to develop his own special effects, and an interesting take on their stories, which eschew traditional Hollywood narratives.

Max Stone (Joe Mayes), his lawyer sister Julia (Claudia Troy) and their soldier half brother George (Mark Hyde, Despiser) are space rogues and archaeologists, looking for the technology left behind by the Tesserans. The ships that they find are beyond our understanding, but they have found an entire base full of them, just as a solar flare forces them to run.

A year later and things haven’t worked out so well. George has cancer, acquired on one of the many worlds where he was forced to do shadow ops, and the loan that Max took to pay for new body parts can’t be paid back, leading to repo men coming to take them back by force. They’re nearly killed before a mysterious woman named Trudy (Georgia Anastasia) saves them, killing a man and putting them in prison, where Julia is able to get them released.  Soon, they find out why they were able to get away. Trudy is an android owned by John Moesby (Ulysses E. Campbell), who wants them to go back to space and find the Tesseran technology for him.

This brings them to the titular Ghost Planet, a haunted world where the only living person is a young girl named Naiad (Julie Kashmanian), while being hunted by space pirates who want the same tech that they do. However, Naiad gives the Stones the edge they need, as she knows how to communicate with the Tesseran machinery.

I’ve read some reviews that take this movie to task for how it looks and I honestly wish these people had just an ounce of imagination. Cook has created several worlds here from sound stages, green screen, CGI and miniatures. It doesn’t always feel real, but you have to realize that he’s making this movie with the budget of a few days of the catering of a blockbuster. The trade off is that this is rich with ideas and heart.

What you get is a movie that looks and feels like nothing else, other than a Philip J. Cook movie. And that’s exactly what I wanted this to be. I mean, spaceships guided through the galaxy by bubblegum? Incredible.

You can learn more on the official site and watch this on Tubi.

See No Evil (1971)

Poor Mia Farrow.

It feels like she could never catch a break, whether that’s in movies or real life.

In See No Evil, she plays the recently blinded Sarah, who is staying with her uncle and aunt. As she goes on a date with Steve (Norman Eshley), she avoids being killed like everyone else. The next day, she has a carefree day in this manor home while the rest of her family is dead all around her, unseen thanks to her loss of vision.

The gardner, Barker (Brian Rawlinson), is somehow still alive. Well, not for long, but before he fades out, he tells her that the killer is coming back to find a bracelet they lost that has their name on it. We don’t see their face, but do get to see some distinctive boots as Sarah runs blindly into the woods before she’s saved by gypsies.

Tom (Michael Elphick), the leader of the gypsy family, sees the bracelet, which has the name Jack. He believes that it belongs to his brother, who was dating Sarah’s cousin Sandy (Diane Grayson). He tells Sarah that he’s taking her to the police, but instead, he’s locked her in a shed so that his family can escape.

I’m not going to reveal the killer, but Sarah is forced to fall down muddy hillsides before being saved and even then, she must endure one more near-death experience as she’s attacked while in the bath tub.

Writer Brian Clemens wrote the script on spec and Columbia Pictures told him “‘Well, if Mia Farrow plays the lead, we’ll buy it.” You can imagine what happened. He also wrote The Golden Voyage of SinbadAnd Soon the Darknes, Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde and directed and wrote Captain Kronos – Vampire Hunter.

This was directed by Richard Fleischer, whose career encompasses everything from blockbusters like Fantastic Voyage and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea to magnificent disasters like Doctor Dolittle and The Jazz Singer and odd efforts like Amityville 3DConan the DestroyerRed Sonja and Mandingo. As the son of Max Fleischer, he was chairman of Fleischer Studios, which handles the licensing of Betty Boop and Koko the Clown. That’s why his last screen credit was creative consultant for The Betty Boop Movie Mystery in 1989.

Originally, this movie’s soundtrack was by Andre Previn, who was married to Farrow at the time. They wanted Previn to further change the music, but he was in Russia, which is why they tossed his music. Of course, Previn has a different story. The real one, probably, is that producer Leslie Linder disliked his score and hired David Whitaker to write a new one, which he also hated, and then Elmer Bernstein wrote the music. This helps in the ad campaign, as the movie was compared to Hitchcock.

Also known as Blind Terror, this starts with a walk past several marquees. While the movies Rapist Cult and The Convent Murders aren’t actual films, Torture Garden is playing on a TV.

See No Evil is a good suspense film that is better thanks to Farrow, who seems constantly on the verge of cracking. She’s so good at being an actual person when surrounded by the fantastic and the deadly, this being yet another great example of her abilities.

You can watch this on Tubi.

25 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS CHALLENGE: The 12 Disasters of Christmas (2012)

Not only is this a holiday movie, it’s a Mayan calendar movie. Yes, in the moments before Jacey’s (Magda Apanowicz) grandmother is killed by a gigantic icicle, she gives her a mystical ring and tells her that she’s the chosen one who will stop the end of the world on December 21, 2012.

Before you laugh at that, let me tell you this: Jacey was born right on Christmas in a town named Calvary, her parents are named Joseph (Ed Quinn) and Mary (Holly Elissa) and the song “The 12 Days of Christmas” isn’t just annoying, it explains each of the different disasters about to befall the human race. It was also written by the Mayans!

Directed by Steven R. Monroe — yes, the same guy who made the remake of I Spit On Your Grave — and written by Sydney Roper (Independence Daysaster, End of the World) and Rudy Thauberger (Snowmageddon), this is like The Dome plus The Mist plus every SyFy armageddon movie you’ve ever seen, plus a magic ring and special effects that include shaking the camera to make it seem like there’s an explosion.

Christmas lights come to life, birds unlife themselves, a mist freeze and kills people and only five golden rings can save everyone. There’s also a geomantic Mayan compass that everyone has to use to make their way to find them. There are also super religious people who want to sacrifice Jacey to save the world but she ends up figuring it all out.

You can watch this on Tubi.

SEVERIN 4K UHD RELEASE: 2020 Texas Gladiators (1982)

Severin is releasing this to retail on November 26, 2024. Until now, it has only been available on their site.

The most elusive, requested and unapologetically unhinged Penne Post-Apocalypse epic of all is finally available, uncut and uncensored on disc for the first time ever from Severin. Directed by Joe D’Amato, written by George Eastman and assistant directed by Michele Soavi, this stars Al Cliver, Peter Hooten, Sabrina Siani, Geretta Geretta and Donald O’Brien in an all-star — in my world — end of teh world bit of insanity.

It’s scanned in 4K from the original negative with new and archival special features, including interviews with D’Amato, Soavi, Eastman, Cliver and Geretta; a trailer and the soundtrack by Carlo Maria Cordio.

You can get it from Severin.

A film with many AKAs — Anno 2020: I Gladiatori del Futuro (Year 2020 Gladiators of the Future), Futoro, 2020: The Rangers of Texas, 2020: Freedom Fighters and Sudden Death — the film we’re going to call 2020 Texas Gladiators starts with a long battle after the end of the world, bringing you in before there’s even any story. Who even cares if there’s a story? People are getting killed left and right!

Also: Smarter people than me would call that in media res. I just call it in the middle of stuff.

We have five heroes here and they are Nisus (Al Cliver, EndgameWarriors of the Year 2072), Catch Dog (Daniel Stephen, War Bus which is a totally different movie than War Bus Commando)Jab (Harrison Mueller, She), Red Wolfe (Hal Yamanouchi, Rat Eater King from 2019: After the Fall of New York) and Halakron (Peter Hooten, the original Dr. Strange and the man who said, “I got molested in the little boys room.”).

They have to save a monastery, but they just sit and watch as more people get attacked, like a priest who gets crucified and a nun gets so upset over everything that she grabs a piece of glass to slice her own throat What are they waiting for? Are they just going to watch everyone die?

Then, to make them look like they care even less — or are less inept — Catch Dog tries to rape one of the survivors! You guys are the heroes? Well, at least they kick him out after that. And that unfortunate woman is Maida (Sabrina Siani, Oncron from Conquest!), who hooks up with Nisus. Years later, they’re all settled down, the rest of the guys have gone their own way and Catch Dog has started an evil gang. Just like your friends from college or those high school people from Facebook who have the back the blue flag as their icon. Except that Catch Dog hasn’t forgotten anything.

His gang attacks the town where Nisus lives with his family. Surprisingly, they fight back the invaders, but then a vaguely Nazi army attacks and defeats our hero, shooting him across the forehead. Then the army kills and rapes everyone and everything, taking the town apart.

The leader of this army, Black One (Donald O’Brien, Dr. Butcher M.D. himself!) tells everyone that he’s in charge. They then take Nisus and force him to watch his wife get raped. This movie has more violent sex than — oh, Joe D’Amato and George Eastman directed it? Yeah. It figures. Never mind.

In one of my go-to reference guides to Italian exploitation, Spaghetti Nightmares, D’Amato says that Eastman “didn’t feel confident enough in the action scenes and so I dealt with those, leaving him to the direction of the actors. But in this case, the name recorded at the Ministry (director’s credit) was mine.”

Later in that book, Eastman pretty much makes anyone who likes these movies feel bad about their choices: “These (post-atomic) films, which were made in the wake of the various Mad Max movies, were decidedly crummy. The set designs were poor….and the genre met a swift and well-deserved death. I only wrote these awful movies for financial reasons….no attempt at originality was made at all.”

So what happens with our hero? He attacks one of the guys and gets shot a hundred times and dies. Is that the end of the movie? Nope. Instead, his old friends Halakron and Jab find Maida, who has been sold to a gambler, and Halakron wins her in a game of Russian Roulette. They all get busted for a bar fight, where they get tortured in salt mines. Luckily, Red Wolfe comes to save them.

Catch Dog’s gang attacks, but our heroes fake their deaths. They also meet up with a gang of Native Americans. Jab has to defeat one of them in battle to get them to join with our heroes. Of course, he wins. He’s Jab, bro.

Maida gets to kill Catch Dog, but Jab doesn’t make it. He dies in his friend’s arms because this is an Italian movie and even the heroes can die. Luckily, Halakron gets to kill Black One with a hatchet. So there’s that.

Halkron, Red Wolfe and the Native Americans win the day, save everyone and then ride off into the sunset, because post-apocalyptic Italian movies are just spaghetti westerns with shoulder pads. Italy is Texas. Texas is Italy. Even the end of the world is never the end.

SEVERIN BLU RAY RELEASE: Dario Argento’s Deep Cuts (1973, 1987)

Severin is releasing this to retail on November 26, 2024. Until now, it has only been available on their site.

At the peak of his cinematic triumphs, horror legend Dario Argento created projects for RAI TV that broadcast his singular vision of terror into millions of Italian homes: Door Into Darkness was the top-rated 1973 anthology series produced and hosted by Argento. This set has three of the four episodes sourced for the first time from the original 16mm negatives. Argento’s popular 1987 variety/talk show Giallo has stories directed by Argento, Luigi Cozzi and Lamberto Bava, as well as behind-the-scenes tours from Tenebrae, Phenomena and Opera, and guests that include Anthony Perkins, David Gilmour, Nick Mason, and Fiore Argento newly digitized from broadcast masters.

This Severin set also has over 8 hours of new and archival special features, including commentary by Nathaniel Thompson and Troy Howarth, Dario Argento: My CinemaDario Argento: Master of Horror and interviews with Argento, Cozzi, Bava, Dardano Sacchetti and Antonella Vitale. 

You can order this from Severin.

Here’s an overview of what you’ll find:

In 1973, Dario Argento was invited to RAI television and delivered Door Into Darkness, a show that he would host and even guide some of the episodes. Argento says, at the start of one of the episodes (translated into English) “As for Door Into Darkness, which is the title of the series, you will wonder what it means. Well, it means many things: opening a door to the unknown, to what we don’t know and which therefore disturbs us, scares us. But for me it also means other things. It can happen, and it has happened once, even just once in a person’s life, to close a door behind them and find themselves in a dark room… looking for the light switch and not finding it… trying to open the door and not being able to Do. And having to stay there, in the dark… alone… forever. Well, some of the protagonists of our stories have closed this fatal door behind them.”

The first episode, Il vicino de casa (The Neighbor) was the second directing job for Luigi Cozzi, who had debuted with Il tunnel sotto il mondo (The Tunnel Under the World). It’s the tale of a young couple by the names of Luca (Aldo Reggiani) and Stefania (Laura Belli). They arrive at their new home late at night with their infant child and barely meet anyone, other than knowing they have a neighbor (Mimmo Palmara) but otherwise, they live in a very isolated neighborhood.

On one of the first evenings they are there, as they watch Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, they start to see a stain in the corner of the ceiling that starts to leak from upstairs. What is it? And should they tell the neighbor they have never met? When they go up there, no one is home. However, they soon find the dead body of their neighbor’s wife just in time for him to come back and tie them up.

This story was also written by Cozzi and it has plenty of tension, such as the couple hiding in the dark and then realizing that the husband has dropped his lighter in the killer’s room. It also has a dark non-ending that doesn’t give you much hope, as well as an Argento cameo as a hitchhiker.

For the second episode of Doorway to Darkness, Dario Argento himself would direct and write. Il Tram (The Train) under the name Sirio Bernadotte (thanks to the incredible Italo Cinema).

A young woman is murdered on a train in the seconds that the lights go out and before they return. The murder baffles everyone except for Commisario Giordani (Enzo Cerusico) who seeks to solve it. He thinks that it has to be ticket taker Roberto Magli (Pierluigi Aprà), except that he’s never satisfied. It seems too simple. That’s when he brings his girlfriend Giulia (Paola Tedesco) to ride the train and try to lure out the true murderer.

A very Hitchcock-influenced story, this moment was originally going to be part of The Bird With the Crystal Plumage but it took away from the story. Argento would return to the dark mystery of a train and how frightening it can be in probably the best sequence of his post-Opera films in Sleepless. This may not have the insane energy and madness of his usual style, but the story is well-told and I loved how the hero must overcome his own shortcomings — he’s too cocky, which may be because of his youth — if he wants to save his lover and solve the mystery.

There’s also a striking scene where the killer chases Giulia through the train and into a station and down an immense hallway, all POV, all with her staring back at us. It’s incredible.

The third episode of Doorway to Darkness was directed by Mario Foglietti (who wrote the original story for Four Flies On Grey Velvet) and Luigi Cozzi and was written by Foglietti and Marcella Elsberger.

Argento informs us, in his introduction, that someone has escaped from a sanitarium, saying “…a sick mind wandering a small town, apparently normal, in matter of fact incandescent… Its aim: to kill.” That sick mind may be Robert Hoffman, who has checked into a hotel with an attache case before wandering the streets. One redhead is already killed when he meets Daniela Moreschi (Mara Venier) and follows her back home.

This feels like ten minutes of story shoved into an hour and sadly doesn’t work. But hey — Erika Blanc is in it and if the worst thing you do is watch a giallo with her in it, your day isn’t all that bad. Foglietti gets the look of Argento but doesn’t have the same ability to make art out of a flawed script.

Directed by Roberto Pariante (who was the assistant director for Argento on The Bird With the Crystal PlumageThe Cat o’Nine Tails and Four Flies On Grey Velvet) and Dario Argento, who wrote the script with Luigi Cozzi, Testimone oculare is my favor episode of Doorway to Darkness. It’s so simple and yet succeeds as an example of giallo.

Roberta Leoni (Marilù Tolo, Las trompetas del apocalipsis) is driving on a dark and rainy night when she sees a woman dive in front of her. She doesn’t hit her, but does find her dead body. She’s been shot in the back. That’s when she sees the glint of a gun and runs through the storm to a diner where she breaks down. The police, led by Inspector Rocchi (Glauco Onorato), take her back to the crime scene but there’s no body and no blood.

Everyone treats Roberta like a hysterical woman, including her husband Guido (Riccardo Salvino), even after someone breaks into their house while they’re out for their anniversary and the next day when someone tries to shove his wife into traffic. Then the phone calls start and never seem to stop.

One night, while all alone, the killer calls and says that they will finally kill Roberta. Guido comes home just in time and says that instead of leaving — the killer cut the phone line — they are going to wait for them and he will shoot whoever is after her. As you can imagine, this isn’t the way things end up happening.

Sometimes, a simply told mystery is exactly what you need. That’s what this episode gave me. Supposedly Argento disliked the work that Pariante did and went back and filmed a lot of this himself — the tracking of the killer by footsteps is definitely him — and then not putting his name on it.

Gli incubi di Dario Argento (Dario Argento’s Nightmares) was a TV series created and directed by Dario Argento that was part of the RAI TV show Giallo by Enzo Tortora. He’s probably most famous for the show Portabello that had viewers call in to buy or sell things, present ideas or try and look for love. And if they could get the parrot who was the show’s namesake to say his name, they would win a prize. He was also arrested in 1983 and jailed for 7 months as it was thought he was a member of an organized crime family, the Nuova Camorra Organizzata. It was a case of mistaken identity and he got out of ten years in jail thanks to the Radical Party. They offered him a candidacy to the European Parliament, which he won in a landslide. He was cleared of all charges the year this show ran and brought this show — on which he discussed unsolved murder cases — and Portabella to RAI.

The main draw of these episodes are nine new mini-movies made by Argento. They’re three-minute shorts shot on 35mm that show off some wild effects but one of them, Nostalgia Punk, so upset viewers that it has rarely been shown since. The stories are:

La finestra sul cortile (The Window on the Court): This is Argento’s tribute to Alfred Hitchcock and Rear Window. After watching the film, a man named Massimo watches his neighbors fight. He runs down with a knife to stop them, but falls on his own weapon and is blamed by the police for killing the woman. If you recognize the music, it’s part of the Simon Boswell score from Phenomena.

Riti notturni (Night Rituals): This is also missing from some online versions of the film, but has a maid conspire with a voodoo coven to murder and devour the couple that she works for.

Il Verme (The Worm): A woman who goes by the name of Bettina is reading Dylan Dog (the comic book that Cemetery Man comes from) when she overhears a story about parasites that go from cats to humans. As she explores her nearly nude body in a mirror, she notices a worm has grown out of her eye, which she stabs out.

Amare e morire (Loving and Dying): Set to Michael Jackson’s “Bad,” this story has Gloria assaulted and left for dead. As she recovers, she believes that the man who raped her is one of three neighbors. She sleeps with each in an attempt to learn who it is and get her bloody revenge.

Nostalgia punk: The most controversial segment, this has a woman’s water become poisoned. She begins to vomit multicolored liquids and then parts of her body before she finally tears her own body to pieces and her organs rain out of her destroyed carcass. It got so many complaints that Argento was told to settle down in future segments.

La Strega (The witch): Using Morricone’s score from The Bird With the Crystal Plumage, this has Cinzia’s party guests playing a game called “The Witch” that ends with children screaming and holding a bloody head.

Addormentarsi (Falling asleep): A man is possessed by a demon just before he falls asleep and then devours his dog. This uses “Anarchy in the UK” by the Sex Pistols.

Sammy: Sammy is a young girl who is frightened when Santa enters her room. Then Santa removes his face and reveals a monster. It’s simple but it really works.

L’incubo di chi voleva interpretare l’incubo di Dario Argento (The Nightmare of the One Who Wished to Explain Dario Argento’s Nightmare): A young man comes to REI to be part of this series and when he stays at a hotel, he soon learns he’s in a room with foreigners who steal everything he has and then threaten to kill him. It turns out that it’s all a set-up by Argento.

At the beginning of every episode, Argento appears, often with Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni (Demons 2Il Bosco 1Opera) all gothed out and acting as his starry-eyed assistant.

Argento also created another segment for GialloTurno di notte (Night Shift), which was about what happens to cab drivers at night. Episodes were also directed by Lamberto Bava and Luigi Cozzi. He also shared how he filmed several big moments in his most famous movies, such as the Loma camera sequence in Tenebrae; the bird attack in Opera, the transformation scenes in Demons 2 and how he directed Goblin to create the score for Suspiria. These scenes are worth watching and also appear in the Luigi Cozzi-directed Dario Argento: Master of Horror.

While this is by no means necessary watching for those with a passing interest in Italian horror, for devotees of the form and Argento, it is required viewing. It’s the chance to basically get nine new stories even if they are very short.