So, if you’ve been keeping track during our two-day, end of the week tribute to the career of writer and director Micheal Fischa, you know it all began in 1989 with My Mom’s a Werewolf (an oft-programmed Mill Creek box set flick) — and ends nine films later with, well . . . I know . . . one look at the cover and I was offended as well. And you read that right: Pat Morita and Martin Kove star in this. And Ian Lithgow is, in fact, related to the more famous John: it’s his son (he graduated from Harvard and ends up in Rice Girl, wow: only in Hollywood; which proves everyone — regardless of their thespian training — has to start somewhere). And keeping that sibling-related less-famous-actor thing going, we have Martin Sheen’s younger brother, perpetual B-Movie stalwart, Joe Estevez (300-credits strong; he’s in Rollergator).
Is The Karate Kid connection whetting your appetite for a heaping bowl of rice?
Yeah, we thought so.
Cheryl “Cat” Ling — no relation to anyone and in her feature film, leading lady debut — is Windy Yee, a dimwitted actress pining for a leading role in director Martini’s (Dean Haglund of FOX-TV’s The X-Files) new movie, Hooker X. Of course, when you’re vying for the role of a hooker in a comedy — and your acting coach advised you to “go method” — there must be a case of mistaken identity. To that end, we have Martin Kove and Ian Lithgow as two undercover detectives who mistake her for a real hooker. Then their “sting operation” goes bad and they get their asses kicked by Pat Morita’s mobster. More comedic adventures, as we say at B&S About Movies, when we want to wrap up a review, ensues with an Iraqi warlord, a Hollywood Madam, and a 300-pound wrestler: the feared “Meathead.”
But guess what? There’s actually a pretty decent screwball comedy (it features a talking goldfish that serves as Cat’s “guardian angel,” so there’s that) under that awful cover and pseudo-offensive title. Lithgrow, who we kidded about going to Harvard and being in this, is actually adept at comedy. That’s not to say Rice Girl doesn’t have its moments of cringe in the thespian, scribin’, and directorial realms thanks to the ubiquitous low-budget — and the thick slices of ham flippin’ and floppin’ everywhere — but at least Micheal Fischa is trying at calling out the tropes of Asian stereotypes in Hollywood. And the parody songs “Sticky Rice” and “Marlin Man” sung by the game Ling are pretty funny, too.
You can watch Rice Girl as a free-with-ads stream on Tubi.
This just in: Turns out Rice Girl is no longer Micheal Fischa’s final movie. He’s completed a horror film, Hopped Up. However, according to the digital content warriors over at the IMDb, that film’s been completed since 2013. But it’s shot in Austria and in German, so, perhaps the film was released across Europe and it just never found a domestic, stateside release.
But we did find this theatrical one-sheet and a February 4, 2019 uploaded trailer — that’s in German with English subtitles. And from what you can see — Hopped Up is well-shot and looks really, really good — with one of our rehabbin’ campers having her head forced under a drill press, along with drugged-enduced zombies. So keep your eyes open for it and keep abreast at PrincFilms’ official website. There’s more at the film’s official Facebook page — which hasn’t been updated since 2014.
Now what’s interesting is that Michael Fischa also has a 2013-issued film — also Austrian-shot and in German — a horror effort called White Screech. And it has the same actresses/cast as Hopped Up. So, did Fischa direct these two films — written by Frederik Fussel (nine movies in post) — as part of a back-to-back package deal? Or are White Screech and Hopped Up the same movie — with alternate-cum-rebooted titles? If you know your Euro-cinema: when films cross an ocean, they are gussied up with new art work and titles.
I love a good film mystery! Don’t you?
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Micheal Fischa made his feature film debut with the oft-Mill Creek box set-programmed horror comedy My Mom’s a Werewolf. For this next film he went ’70s retro-blaxploitation with this oft-run HBO’er that stars that genre’s Richard Roundtree (Killpoint) and ex-NFL’er Jim Brown (Take a Hard Ride). And for you fans of the ABC-TV daytime soap General Hospital, there’s Anthony “Luke and the Ice Princess” Geary (who got his first B&S review with the TV Movie Intimate Agony) as their co-star.
The VHS cover, left. The overseas theatrical, right.
Rick and Melissa are a pair of high school (bi-racial) lovers who strive to get out of their inner-city hell rife with drugs, crime, and poverty. Then Rick — upon the gang-related death of his brother — rejoins his old gang to avenge his brother’s death by a rival gang. He’s arrested, natch, and now Melissa falls under the spell of Anthony Geary — the school’s clandestine, heroine-pushing guidance counselor. His supplier: Jim Brown. And when Melissa can’t pay her drug debts, she’s becomes Brown’s crack hoe-cum-sex slave. And that leaves Roundtree, who, if you haven’t figured out by the theatrical one-sheet, is the cop out to take down Geary and Brown.
Is it any good? Well, it’s Cannon Films good . . . whatever that means. It’s sleazy, then campy in places, then brutal, and pretty trope-ridden when it comes to the portrayal of Hispanics and blacks and their territorial gang wars. But the direction from Michael Fischa is alright and the acting from all quarters is serviceable. But this ain’t no Chuck Norris Cannon flick . . . and it certainly ain’t up the to quality of the requisite gang flick, The Warriors. But for being a retro-blaxploitation flick, Crack House hits all of that genre’s tent poles. Oh, and yes . . . that is Angel Tompkins from the soft-sexploitationer The Teacher (which we reviewed as part of our Howard Avedis tribute this week) thespin’ away.
Next up for Fischa: Death Spa. Oh, do we love Death Spa around here; the asparagus! What a way to go for a third film — from a horror comedy, to a blaxploit’er, and then to a late-to-the-game ’80s slasher with a freaky scene that deals in stinky sparrow grasses.
The VoicesInMyHead You Tube page comes though again with a copy of this Micheal Fischa obscurity, which, it turns out, is easy to find on DVD as of late, thanks to MGM issuing it in a digital format. And this time, we’re embedding the trailer since we know Video Detective trailer uploads are video-embed elf proof.
As part of our two-month long “Cannon Month Tribute,” we took a second look at Crackhouse — as well as having a sit down with film critic Austin Trunick for a five-part interview to discuss Cannon’s library.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Uncle Howie, what happened? You gave us Mortuary . . . but you also gave us the sex romp They’re Playing with Fire. And everything that Texas Detour is, this ain’t (meaning “good”). We lost Howard Avedis in 2017, but this was his last movie, released in 1987. Maybe it’s because of the eleven films you wrote and directed, you didn’t produce it, Uncle Howie? Wait a sec . . . is this a Crown International boondoggle? They’re always f-in up movies with more boobs and dumb T&A than needed. Nope. But it’s produced by Hickmar, Howie’s production company? Ugh. What gives, IMDb, screwin’ our review with the bad film Intel.
Oh, Mr. Avedis. This is all on you, after all. But why?
Sorry, Howie. I love yahs and all, but this movie is the pits — and the dicks — rife with bad penile jokes (“What do you feed that monster?” and the classic line of “I need to know if I need to bring in a stunt cock!”) and a bunch of B-Movie actors non-thespin’ with the zeal of Z-actor hamness and hold the mayo.
This was a flat production (not a boob or chest joke, I swear), even for HBO. If not for Barbara “Re-Animator” Crampton, this would have been a pass. I mean, look at the cover cheese, will ya? And the white slavery angle is obviously from a mile away. And we’ve been there and done that to death with that plotline on way too many ’70s and ’80s TV series, already. Yeah, I know David “An American Werewolf in London” Naughton is our intrepid (white-as-white-bread-can-be-and-not-Don Johnson) cop, but come on . . . it’s David friggin’ Naugthon (who previously worked for Avedis alongside Karen Black in Separate Ways). So, if no Crampton, no chicken chokin’ and holdin’ the mayo for ol’ R.D.
Anyway, Crampton and her little sister head to the zoo for little sis’s 16th birthday because, well, having anyone under 13 kidnapped for a movie would be just too creepy. Seriously, how old were you when you were over the whole zoo and the circus thing? And clowns. And cotton candy. And tossin’ ping pong balls into goldfish bowls. Or tossin’ rings at peg boards to win the glass-blown tall n’ twisty Pepsi bottle for your bedroom? Who takes late-teens siblings or kids to the zoo for a birthday bash?
Okay, so the obligatory sleazy guy sees the cuties laughing and having fun. He hits on them . . . well, he’s on a nefarious recon, if you haven’t figured it out. Yep, he kidnaps little sis from the zoo’s restroom, courtesy of a female partner all set up with the ol’ wheelchair-body-switcheroo bit.
Yeah, you guess it: Screen sleaze stalwart Lance DeGault is a porn producer who sidelines as a white slaver (or is that slaver sidelining as a porn producer) who’s behind it all. And no one — not even Lt. cop boss Charles Napier (who we bow to around B&S) — will help Crampton. But the ol’ Dr. Pepper pitchman gets a wee-bit of the old “rise” over Babs, so he’ll help her, because, well, she’ll be indebted and hooked up with him. So, they go “undercover” as “porn producers” looking to cast their film. Does Babs go topless? You bet. Dr. Pepper shows his “pepper” as well, if that trips you trigger. To than end: The 1987 UK Virgin video release was cut by 2 minutes 8 secs by the BBFC and heavily edits shots of the divine Ms. Crampton being held to a bed and her bra removed with a knife.
Whatever. Big deal. They cut it. The scene’s not even offensive nor titillating — or anything. Where’s Dr. Carl Hill’s disembodied head when we need it? Or an acting coach on set. Swear to God: This is like watching a way too long two-part episode arc of Charlie’s Angeles — with a flash of boob and an errant-cum-incognito porn actress trying to go “legit” in the mainstream (and Lance DeGault was a heavy on Charlie’s Angeles at one point, so you get the TV Movieness of it all).
The cast is rounded out by Chick Vennera (two Chick flicks in one week), who’s also in the way betterHigh Risk, Jimmy “J.J from TV’s Good Times” Walker (who can’t act and sucks in everything, even The Guvyer, where he’s even worse at his job than Mark “I Hate Trump” Hamill), and not-seen-enough screen baddie Robert Dyer, who did this all pretty much before with Linda Blair in Savage Streets.
And after watching, you’ll know why this was one of Kim Everson’s (the other was her debut in Porky’s Revenge as “Inga,” if you’re looking for it) five films for her (deserving) brief, three-year “mainstream” career — and we say “mainstream” because she was a 1984 Playmate of the Month and starred in bunch of that publication’s videos. And to than end: There’s LOTS of adult film actresses in here — not that it helps spice this boring action of boredom’er much. Oh, and for you Bert I. Gordon fans: Kim Everson starred in his stab at a T&A comedy with The Big Bet, which also stars Sylvia “Emmanuelle” Kristel, so there’s that. Yes, the guy who gave us Food of the Gods and Empire of the Ants went T&A. Hey, it was a post-Animal House and Porky’s world out there and you just gotta try.
See? It wasn’t a total loss, as you got some Bert I. Gordon trivia to amaze your friends out of the deal.
Image courtesy of essexestateservices/eBay.
If you’re a Howard Avedis completist, and we know you are, you can watch Kidnapped on You Tube. Yeah, we know it’s dubbed in French without English subtitles. Again, as with Uncle Howie’s Texas Detour: We had an English VHS rip bookmarked, then, when we go to press, the upload — along with the trailer — is gone. Yeah, we found a copy or two on a couple of iffy (Euro?) streaming sites — and when in doubt: don’t click it. At the time of writing and going to press, a couple of used copies of Kidnapped were available on eBay — and now, they are gone. (Thanks for that update, Kevin!) So, hang tough and keep looking, ye readers: another freebie stream or vintage VHS or DVD will show up, sometime. Who knows in what digital, legal limbo Howard Avedis’s Hickmar Productions now exists. . . .
And if you’re a real, serious Howard Avedis completionist: You can check out his foreign language, pre-U.S. catalog, which he made under the names of Hekmat Aghanikyan and Hikmat Labib: The Seven O’Clock Train (1961), Autumn Leaves (1964), and 1968’s Destiny, Farewell to Lebanon, and The Red Plain. At that point, he came to the U.S. and made The Stepmother in 1972. And boy, did Avedis love flicks about older women deflowering young lads, as he proved in his later films The Teacher (1974), Dr. Minx (1975), and the aforementioned Separate Ways and They’re Playing with Fire.
Thanks for the films filling up our VCRs, Uncle Howie. We enjoyed spotlighting your catalog this week, as you surely entertained us.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
From the Editor’s Desk, 2023: Dark Force Entertainment, via their catalog, offers copies of the Code Red reissue for Texas Detour. As we know, Code Red shut down, but this helpful Wikipedia page offers a listing of their past reissues, many which are available as used copies on various seller sites.
We try to be thorough as we build out little slice of movie heaven in the wilds of Allegheny County. And just when we think we have a genre licked — in this case hicksplotation — another film rears its ugly sprockets. And since we’re in the midst of a three-day tribute to all things Howard Avedis, we’re rollin’ his redneck entry.
Yes. The man who bought us the better known Mortuary and the even better known Scorchy— and even gave Adam “Batman” West a lead role with The Specialist — went ‘en git himself sum Smokey and the Bandit whisky backwash, Big Hoss! Yep, we needs to be addin’ this to our ever-growin’ “Top 70 Good Ol’ Boys Film List” of homegrown redneck flicks.
And if that’s not enough: Avedis brings along Patrick “Son of the Duke, John” Wayne (the SOV’er Revenge), Cameron Mitchell, and Priscilla “Three Company” Barnes, later of Rob Zombie retro-horrors fame (The Devil’s Rejects). Is that character actor de jour R.G Armstrong (Evilspeak)? Yep! And be on the lookout for the requite cast creepy, Anthony James (Ravagers; he also stars in Uncle Howie’s 1974 sorta soft-porner, The Teacher — which we are reviewing this week, so look for it).
Good job, art department. Make the typeset really, really small and draw up a hero that looks like Clint Eastwood, so we think we’re getting The Gauntlet (1977).
A trip across the United States takes a wrong turn when three California teenagers (led by matured ’60s kid actor Mitch Vogel, best known for TV’s Bonanza, in his final film role) have their van stolen — from the backlot of Paramount Studios’ Paramount Ranch. Stranded in a backwoods town — with the R.G.’s Sheriff Burt redneck-corruptin’ the joint and criminalizing roadside assistance — our teens serve sum redneck justice on the rednecks.
Ridin’ with Vogel’s Dale McCarthy is Wayne’s big brother Clay and their blonde sister Sugar (Lindsay Bloom of Terror at London Bridge). Clay’s a race car-stunt driver while Dale aspires for country-singer stardom. And to that end: they’re driving across Texas to get Dale to Nashville for an audition.
Cue the escaped convict trio who steal the van.
Then things — as they usually do in Texas — get worse.
Stuck in Podunk, Texarkana, Clay and the clan take a job as sharecroppers for pocket money. Then Clay hooks up with the farmer’s daughter (Barnes’s dad is ol’ Cam), because, well, if Clay didn’t keep it in his pants, this review would end right here. Of course, forget the van and being stranded, Dale, for you need sum lovin’, too. So, to that end, Sheriff Buford T.’s daughter Karen will fit the bill. And Sugar, hell, why not: she hookin’ up with the local greasy monkey at the gas station.
Cue Anthony James. He’s the Sheriff’s creepy son who wants sum of that sweet blonde Sugar. Redneck rape, ensues. Lazy Sheriff corruption, ensues. And all hell breaks loose, ensues . . . all to the tune of a film score by Howard Kaylan and Mark Volman. Who? Oh, right, before most of your times . . . they were in the Turtles (remember the annoying song “Happy Together” that appears on all of those film soundtracks to inspire “nostalgia” in the viewer), then became hippie-rockers Flo and Eddie and were in Frank Zappa’s band The Mothers of Invention.
Wow. Say what you will about the ’70s redneck craze and all of the inspired-Smokey knockoffs, but this one raises all the hicksplotation tent poles to pitch the tents to park yer TransAm and pop an ol’ can of Coors. It’s a trashy, sleazy fun ride, Big Hoss! Seriously, this ain’t bad. And . . . next up for Uncle Howie: Bo Hopkins in the damsel-in-distress-in-the-insane-asylum romp, The Fifth Floor (1978) and Karen Black in the this-isn’t-Fatal Attaction Separate Ways (1981).
What the hell? We had a trailer and copy of the movie bookmarked when scheduling our Howie tribute — and now it’s all gone from You Tube. Yeah, we found two copies of Texas Detour — on two iffy and never-heard-of-before sites — and the Magic 8 Ball says “Just Say No” to the click. But the DVDs and Blus abound and you can get your own at Diabolik Video. Nope. No copies on Amazon Prime or Vudu. Tubi, we need a free-with-ads steam.
While this Avedis romp is more Smokey and the Bandit-inspired hicksploitation than ’70s vansploitation in our opinion, because a van shows up in the opening act (it’s stolen and sets up the film), then reappears in the third act (for our redneck hippies’ great escape), this shows up on the latter lists, as well. We dive deeper into that cruisin’ genre with the definitive van flick: Van Nuys Blvd.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Editor’s Note: This review ran on February 8, 2021, as part of our Mill Creek B-Movie Blast month of reviews. We’re bringing it back for our “Hikmet ‘Howard’ Avedis Week” of reviews.
Mill Creek fans have listed Sly Stallone’s The Specialist from 1994 directed by Luis Llosa (of Crime Zone and Anaconda fame) on their lists for Mill Creek’s B-Movie Blast 50-Film pack. Others noted on their lists — uh, oh, there’s that friggin’ plural “S” again, the same “S” that bit me in the arse during out big, British-produced Satan’s Slave (1976) vs. the Indonesian-produced Satan’s Slaves (1982) snafu with our Mill Creek Pure Terror Month review back in November 2019 — that the film included on the B-Movie Blast set is Sergio Corbucci’s The Specialists (1969; starring French rock singer Johnny Hallyday (French rock singer; later of 1987s Terminus) — a film that we didn’t get around to during our “Spaghetti Western Week”* of reviews.
So, plural “S,” damn you, for ye almost deprived us of an Adam West . . . yes, THE ADAM WEST . . . spy thriller directed by Howard Avedis, he who gave us the epics of Connie Stevens as a rogue cop in Scorchyand ex-Waltons frolicking through the supernatural in Mortuary. Yeah, you know us all to well: we feel a “Howard Avedis Week” coming on, too. I mean, with film titles like The Stepmother and The Teacher (sexploitation time!!!!), and movies starring the B-Movie elite of Sybil Danning, Karen Black, Bo Hopkins, Patrick Wayne, Edy Williams (Dr. Minx!!!), and Angel Hopkins (!) with Jay “Dennis the Menace” North — how can we NOT have a “Howard Avedis Week” of reviews?
But. let’s get back to Adam’s West’s B-Movie milieu (Omega Cop, One Dark Night) in the Avedis schlock oeuvre.
As you can see from the theatrical one-sheet, this is all about Budapest, Hungary-imported bombshell Ahna Carpi, who blazed through 70-plus U.S. TV credits (The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is my fondest Carpi-ory) before retiring from the business. But you know her film work in . . . YES . . The Brotherhood of Satan and Piranha (oops, the 1972 one that Joe Dante didn’t direct — damn you, multiple titles) and . . . YES . . . as Tania in Enter the Dragon. And, would you believe she was a child actor in two episodes of the now Antenna oft-run ’60s series Leave It to Beaver (I just got done watching “Beaver’s Sweater” a few days ago!), but, back then, she was “Anna Capri” and not the more porny-reading Ahna, which is the proper, Euro-ethnic spelling of her first name. Oh, and to continue that Brotherhood of Satan degree of separation: Alvy “Hank Kimbel” Moore is in The Specialist (as blackmailing court bailiff) as well, and Avedis’s Mortuary (and a few others) . . . and Cotton Candy (but no Avedis or Capri on that one).
So, there’s your movie trivia for today: What two movies starred a Hungarian child actor and a Green Acres cast member?
See? Reposting that old Sly Stallone review, in error, would have robbed us of all this fun! But, alas . . . I know, I know . . . get to the friggin’ movie, already, R.D. Hey, I’ve haven’t seen this one either, so, let’s go, Adam West fans! Hit the play button!
Now, based on this still from the film (or promo pack from the film) posted by the Digital Content Management Team at the IMDb, you’d think you’re getting a spy thriller with Adam West as a B-Movie James Bond or as an ex-war vet now a kick ass private eye. Oh, ye Mill Creek grazer of the digital divide, how wrong are ye. For this is a Crown International Pictures — serious — court room drama. I know. I never thought I’d type that sentence in a review either. This from a studio that gives us a steady stream of boobs, vans, cheerleaders, female basketball coaches who have sex with male students, and any -sploitation variant you can imagine.
But this ain’t your granddad’s or great grandad’s Perry Mason, Owen Marshall: Attorney at Law, or Matlock (especially not with Nancy Stafford in the cast). This court room caper, again, looking at the rendering of Ahna in that dress, is an R-rated potboiler. But a Joe Eszterhas Jagged Edge neo-noir legal thriller this is not, Motion Picture Association Ratings to protect us youngins, be damned.
West is “The Specialist,” aka defense attorney Jerry Bounds, who’s in a court battle against fellow attorney Pike Smith (western actor John Anderson), an attorney who wants his job back on the board of a (corrupt) water company. So, to assure he wins the case, Pike recruits a sleazy P.I. (is there any other kind), Alec Sharkey (aka Howard Avedis aka’in as actor Russell Schmidt), who, in turn, recruits Londa Weyth (Ahna Carpi), his blonde-n’-hot operative serving as a juror-ringer on the trial, to seduce Bounds and get a mistrial declared.
So, in case you haven’t figure it out: The “Specialist” isn’t West as a cool-as-steel spy or ex-Special Forces-now-an-Attorney (or P.I.) bad-ass; the well-endowed Londa is the special forces sex kitten in these proceedings. Another sultry kitten in our midst is Playboy and Max Factor model Christiane Schmidtmer, you remember her as the hot stewardess from Boeing Boeing (1965) that got Jerry Lewis and Tony Curtis all hot-n-bothered.
I am sure West, looking to be taken seriously as an actor (and deserved, IMO), was hoping this adaptation of the best-selling novel Come Now the Lawyers, would become a box office hit and thrust him into a legit theatrical career with the bigger studios. As did author Ralph Bushnell Potts, himself a Seattle-based Attorney-at-Law (learn more about Potts’s interesting life with his 1991 obituary in the Seattle Times). But, alas . . . Potts’s serious book about Washington State’s early courts system was turned into a Crown International exploitation fest that is not the least bit titillating and fails on the salacious scale that Crown in known for via these Mill Creek box sets. In the annals of Crown International public domaindom, The Specialist is a truly odd duck in the Crown celluloid pond.
There’s no freebie rips online to share, but you can check out the trailer and a scene clip on You Tube. Of course, you can enjoy The Specialist as part of Mill Creek’s B-Movie Blast 50-Film Pack.
About the Author: You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook. He also writes for B&S Movies.
“Well, come on in a minute. I’m not gonna rape you.” — So says Ms. Marshall to her student, Sean, as she washes her car, squiring her legs off with the hose
So, courtesy of the IMDb and Wiki — we’re saving you the digital trip — we know Howard Avedis graduated from the University of Southern California with a Master of Arts, where he also won the coveted George Cukor Award. But instead of being recruited by say, Universal or 20th Century Fox, he was recruited by . . .
Crown International Pictures. And no one escapes their Crown International Pictures fate. Not when your George Cukor award leads to filming suggestive scenes of nymphos with water hoses. The studio hired Avedis to write and direct the pseudo-Giallo murder thriller The Stepmother(1972) starring Latin sex symbol Alejandro Rey (Fun in Acapulco with Elvis Presley; the when-animals-attack classic The Swarm; TerrorVision). Next up in the Avedis-Crown contract was The Teacher, a film shot in 12 days for $65,000.
Okay, so . . . as you can see by the very cute and prim-and-proper Angel Tompkins (we kid you not: in another when-animal-attack flick, The Bees and, we kid you not, closing her career with a bit part in Micheal Fischa’s Crack House; which we review this week, so look for it), we’re in a grindhouse variant of the award-winning box office bonanza that was the Dustin Hoffman-starring The Graduate. Yep. Angel is our “Ms. Robinson” this time.
Now, I remember my parents getting dressed up to see the “dirty” The Graduate (read our review of Rage that gets into those bygone days of yesteryear when going to the movies was an “event”). Seriously, that 1967 romantic-comedy was a HUGE DEAL with its college student played by Dustin Hoffman seduced by — and having a sexual relationship — with Anne Bancroft. The Graduate was right up there with Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy, Patty Duke in Valley of the Dolls, and Warren Beatty in Shampoo — in terms of being “dirty” because of its shedding the ’50s aesthetic and having “adult themes” that were, like The Teacher, branded “vulgar” and “lurid.”
Yeah, right. I watched all of those films years after the fact on VHS and was, well, bored by the films. I mean, they’re good films, but not the “shock” I was expecting. The same goes for all of those Golden Age of Porn films: yawn. This is it? So, if you take away the Mike Nichols restraint — and give his cougar Anne Bancroft a hose, and eliminate the iconic, artful “through the legs” shot and the memorable church scene of that film — you’d get The Teacher. Only, Tompkins, while enjoyable, ain’t no Bancroft and Jay North — while good here in his first adult film role — still ain’t no Hoffman. And Avedis, god love ’em, ain’t no Nichols.
And neither is our other, love struck (crazy) pup here: Anthony James. We are talking the go-to screen baddie of the ’70s from Clint Eastwood’s High Plains Drifter and the forgotten ’70s apoc’er Ravagers. He was Malcolm McDowell’s right-hand heavy in the Roy Scheider helicopter flick, Blue Thunder. James is pure awesome. You need a sweaty psycho: call Anthony James. (We just lost James in May of last year.) And Uncle Howie knows this because he brought James back for the 1978 hicksploitation romp, Texas Detour (which we also reviewed this week, so look for it).
So, anyway . . . it’s the summer. And love is in bloom — and stalking, natch, has blossomed because, well, it’s Anthony James and he must stalk — the 28-year-old Diane Marshall (at the time of filming, James was thirty-two; he’s not a “teen” but the older brother to one). And one of his buds in on the leering is his brother’s fellow high school friend: Jay “Dennis the Menace” North. Bikini bathing on boats and strip-naked exercising, ensues — all watched from the comfort of an old warehouse down by the docks where James lives with his brother.
Now, before we go onward: a school teacher who can afford to live on a boat on the riverfront? How, on a teacher’s salary . . . well, because, if not, this film review would stop right here. And her drifter-dreaming husband doesn’t have the required two pennies to rub . . . but I digress. Well, wait. I also need to point out she lives in a nice Cali-style split-level with a shiny Corvette in the drive way (for a sexy-boner car wash). Now, I dated a couple of school teachers . . . and between the salary and the student debt, they either lived in a dump or a crackerbox or had a bitchy-bossy roommate that dissed me at every opportunity. So what’s the dealo, here? Is our fair-haired teacher a prostitute on the sly? Dealing drugs? Her hubby’s a drifting, ne’er-do-well bum. so he’s no help. . . .
I know, quit over thinking and just trip n’ fall into the plot holes and get on with the review.
Yikes. I’d be “Hot for Teacher,” too.
So, in addition to James and North, their other horny little buddy — and James’s little brother — played by Rudy Herrera, Jr. (who did this and The Stepmother for Howard, then quit acting — at least on film), also has the hots for Ms. Marshall. And the trio fights over her. Well, see yahs later, Rudy: he goes over the warehouse railing to his death. Of course, this puts James’s Ralf Gordon and North’s Sean Roberts at romantic odds and sets up our needed “love triangle.” Of course, Ralf has the upper hand: he’ll tell the cops Sean murdered lil’ brother Louie.
Well, it seems no one is going to Scarborough Fair, for there is no scent of parsley, sage, rosemary, or thyme. And here’s to you Mr. Gordon and Mr. Roberts, for Ms. Marshall lusts after you more than you know. And Ms. Marshall needs a little Jesus more than she knows.
Yeah, that’s right: Ms. Marshall is not officially divorced yet. And when the ol’ drifter-hubby returns from his drifter excursions, she tells him she wants a divorce, because, well, she’s having fun playing these two emotionally immature ne’er-do-wells against each other — the type who, when they get upset, go for an old army bayonet, in short order. That’s this film: hoses and bayonets. And binoculars that our faux Ms. Robinson was aware of all along: for she’s a kitten with a whip, but she’s no Ann-Margret. Or Mamie Van Doren.
Regardless of the scathing press accusing CBS-TV’s Dennis the Menace star Jay North “bottoming out” in a (Golden Age of) porn film, The Teacher is in no way on the level of the works of producer Bill Osco, he the king of the “erotic art film,” aka porn, that launched the “Golden Age of Porn” and unleashed the likes of Linda Lovelace in Deep Throat and Marilyn “Rabid” Chambers in Behind the Green Door. Yeah, the grindhouse Golden Age’er The Devil in Miss Jones may have cleaned up at the box office the year before, but this Avedis entry is not the least bit “erotic” or “art” for that matter. Yeah, the repetitive grindhouse washout plays and VHS replays add that grainy, 8MM feel of the uploads on this — and there’s the cheesy “wah-wah” guitar n’ flute music that adds to the porn vibe — but it’s not a porn. So watch without the worries of having to Ivory out the eyeballs . . . or stuffing a dish towel down your frontside for any “accidents” of the tent-pitchin’ variety. Prop your popcorn box on your lap without concern — and watch with boredom.
Yeah, Hollywood sucks (no pun intended). And its critics and puritanical gossip columnists are worse. Jay North — again, who’s actually very good here; not Hoffman good, but decent — filled with high hopes at this attempt at an adulthood transition into films with The Teacher, wrapped up his career. He reappeared in two more projects: a 1980 TV movie Scout’s Honor and 1985’s Wild Wind (I’ve seen nor never heard of either) in small support roles. Today, after a stint in the U.S. Navy, he came to work as a counselor for the Florida Department of Corrections, a career he still holds today.
Here we go again! The copy of The Teacher we bookmarked to share was gone by the time we went to press. However, we found a copy on a new Tubi-styled free-with-ads stream service called FlixHouse — and it’s an app that can be downloaded though Amazon Prime and runs on your Android, Amazon Fire TV tablet, and Apple TV. However, you can also stream FlixHouse online on your PC or laptop without a download. It looks safe and legit to us. You can watch, HERE, on FlixHouse.
Oh, if you’re keeping track, Uncle Howie loves “affairs” in films, so be sure to check out They’re Playing with Fire and Separate Ways (that review is coming), the former with Sybil Danning, the latter with Karen Black. Just wow.
About the Author:You can read the music and film reviews of R.D Francis on Medium and learn more about his work on Facebook.
Editor’s Note: Thanks for joining us on our three-day “Drag Racing Week” tribute to the funny cars and rails speeding down the quarter mile during the ’60s and ’70s. Let’s wrap it up with this bioflick on the two biggest starsof the sport. Search for “Drag Racing Week” to find ’em all.
Don “The Snake” Prudhomme and Tom “The Mongoose” McEwen were gods to the wee-lads of the ’70s. I was, myself, funny car crazy, with centerfold tear outs of “The Snake and The Mongoose” on my walls, right alongside magazine rips of champion motorcrosser Roger De Coster. I had the draggin’ duo’s matching Hot Wheels cars. I had their respective model kits: both funny and rail. When the ABC Wild World of Sports held one of Prudhomme and McEwen’s drag or funny car races on a Saturday afternoon, the neighborhood streets cleared: everyone sat in front of the TV. In terms of asphalt sports idols, The Snake and Mongoose were matched only by Richard Petty and Evel Knievel. They were the “Muhammad Ali” of racing. Everyone loved them.
But why did Hollywood never produce a film about the famed racers? Well, they did, finally, or you wouldn’t be reading this review. But it’s not the film an ol’ racing fan, such as myself, wanted. I expect this from a dramatic B-Movie dragger of the Crown International variety, like Burnout. But not this.
Now, you think those battling asphalt warriors would be ripe — like daredevil cyclist Evel Knievel, who had not one, but two movies about his life: the first, Evel Knievel (1971), starred George Hamilton; the second (and worse) dramatization, Viva Knievel (1977), starred Evel as himself — for a ’70s era theatrical film. Drag racing was so hot, so hip, and so trendy, the industry pumped out the early ’70s documentaries Funny Car Summer, Wheels of Fire, Wheels on Fire, and Seven Second Love Affair, and dramatic pieces, such as Drag Racer. Even exploitation coming-of-age drive-in flicks, such as the The Young Graduates, which wasn’t even about drag racing, tossed in a drag racing subplot to get us rubber-burning fans into the speaker and mosquito coil farm. Even George Lucas tossed in a drag racing subplot in the box office flounder that is More American Graffiti. If Elvis hadn’t gotten out of film, we probably would have gotten a hip swingin’ drag racing film — complete with Prudhomme, McEwen, Muldowney, and Garlits cameos — to go with his stock car racing flick trio of Viva Las Vegas, Spinout, and Speedway.
You need more rubber burnin’ action? Then check out our “Fast and Furious” tribute weeks with reviews to over 100 films. You can check out those “round ups” HERE and HERE.
You’d also think that after producing a hit film about Shirley Muldowney (Bonnie Bedelia), the First Lady of Drag Racing and the first woman to receive a license from the National Hot Rod Association (NHRA) — and even having “Big Daddy” Don Garlits (Billy McKinney) portrayed — in the film Heart Like a Wheel (1983), Hollywood would have responded with an ’80s theatrical film. Not even after David Cronenberg gave us the 1979 drag drama, Fast Company.
Nope. Denied again.
Instead: We got this years-too-late-TV movie (with a limited, 20-city theatrical release that failed to catch a box office upwind) starring Jesse Williams (star of TV’s Grey’s Anatomy and Station 19) as Don “The Snake” Prudhomme, and Richard Blake (guest roles on TV’s NCIS: Los Angeles and CSI: Crime Scene Investigations) as Tom “Mongoose” McEwen. Rounding out the cast are the always serviceable TV faces of Noah Wyle (who, I always felt should have been on the A-List with his fellow ER castmate, George Clooney) and the always game for-anything-the-SyFy Channel-throws-at-him, Ian Ziering. Also on deck are the always on point Tim Blake Nelson, Fred Dryer, and John Heard.
As you can see from the trailer, it’s all put together well enough. But this is a TV movie, after all, and it’s not Days of Thunder starring Tom Cruise. So, there’s lots . . . and lots . . . of stock footage spliced into the film — which was the same production weakness that plagued those Evel bio-flicks all those years ago. Honestly, if I wanted to watch old, classic clips of the races, I can pull those up on You Tube, ad nauseam. If I am pulling up a pop corn bucket, you have to give me more than old ABC Wild World of Sports clips in what ends up as a companion piece to the lightweight Disney Channel drag racing bio, On the Right Track (which, again, is serviceable enough, but it is an against-the-budget cable flick with TV actors). Even updated CGI cars would have been better serving than grainy ’70s clips. At least the CGI draggin’ would have matched to the rest of the dramatic footage.
But if you need a quick way to get down and dirty into the tale of the mutual friendship (and fake rivalry) and marketing brilliance of two guys — who put this kid on a hook and took him for several hundred laps on the bright orange track — then this is worth your time. It’s a serviceable B-Movie that, while too late to the track, it — finally — gets is all on record. (All the Hot Wheels images of the Snake and Mongoose you can handle are a Goggle click away.)
If Hollywood only made this bio-racer during the prime of Tom Cruise and George Clooney as the Snake and Mongoose, we’d have something special.
Oh, well. Que rubber, oil.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook.He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Wheels On Fire is a classic motor sports documentary — and also one of the most obscure and hard-to-find (as you can see, it’s even impossible to find a decent image of the theatrical one-sheet). But not in the land of Oz, since this was filmed in Liverpool, Sydney. This one kicks ass because of — before there were web-cam and fiber optics — has the first ever “race cam” strapped onto the drag car, which takes you behind the wheel at speeds above 300 kilometers (miles in the States) per hour.
Again, this one is near impossible to track down on VHS and DVD — and the DVDs are grey market VHS-rips. And there’s no trailer or clips. But if you have a family or friend connection in Australia, or you’ll willing to search that country’s online marketplace, you may get lucky finding hard and digital copies to purchase or stream.
And caveat emptor: Do not confuse Wheels On Fire from Australia with the U.S. drag racing documentary Wheels of Fire (1972).
We previous featured this film as part of our weekly “Drive-In Friday” feature.
About the Author: You can learn more about the writings of R.D Francis on Facebook. He also writes for B&S About Movies.
Editor’s Note: We first encountered this lost ’70s teensploitation romp on February 7, 2021, when we reviewed it as part of Mill Creek’s B-Movie Blast 50-Film Pack. Since it has rails, we’re bringing it back for our “Drag Racing Week” tribute to those rails of the ’60s and ’70s running the quarter mile.
Sam, the Chief Cook and Bottle Washer and Mix Master of Movie Themed Drink for B&S About Movies, is scary-psychic when it comes to my writing assignments. I don’t recall Dennis Christopher and Bruno Kirby ever popping up in conversation . . . Sam, how do you do it? It’s like my head is a Magic 8-Ball and you give it a shake. . . . It’s like Christmas!
Anyway . . . this why I love Mill Creek box sets — in this case, their B-Movie Blast 50-Film Pack — as it gives me a chance to see a movie that I never heard of, or seen. Yes . . . even with the Den and the Kirb in the house, so I don’t know how this one slipped by me. Sure, I’ve seen my fair share of ’70s soft-sexploitation flicks and T&A coming-of-age romps (but beware of advertising department scams) but this one . . . I don’t recall ever seeing The Young Graduates on a home video self. And, based on the college chick (What, high school?) showing off some strappy-sandals leg, along with the dune buggies, cycles, and rails . . . and that Crown International logo, well, what’s not to likey, here?
Now, you know how we are about particular actors ’round the B&S About Movie cubicles, right? In this case, for moi, I was into this lost drive-in ditty from the get, as it features early starring roles for two of my favorite actors: Dennis Christopher (Fade to Black and the really cool 10-Speed romp Breaking Away) and Bruno Kirby (How is Almost Summer not on a Mill Creek set? But, you know Bruno best from City Slickers and Good Morning, Vietnam). See? All actors have to start somewhere — and sometimes it has to be a Crown International flick.
Will you just look at Dennis! He’s just a kid, for gosh sakes! Yep, 16!, and he went on to appear nearly 40 movies and made-for-TV flicks since this debut (he was also in the proto-slasher Blood and Lace that same year). And Quentin? Well, he obviously knows both of Dennis’s 1971 debuts from his video clerkin’ days, so the Q recruited Dennis as Leonide Moguy in Django Unchained. Oh, and Dennis is such a stoner dude that his name is “Pan,” and not a more stoner name there be.
Anyway, while Bruno was a bit older, at 22, he was still able to play “young,” as a high schooler seven years later — at 29 — in, again, one of my favorite of his films, Almost Summer. But I’ll always also remember Bruno for The Harrad Experiment (which, in spite of the title, is not a horror film, but a coming-of-age drama led by James Whitmore and Tippi Hedren . . . with a babe-in-the-woods Don Johnson). Then there’s Bruno’s oft-aired HBO favorite, Baby Blue Marine with Jan-Michael Vincent (that also needs a Mill Creek bow).
Oops. I digress with the Charmin squeezin’ over the actors I dig.
This is loaded with mini-dressed dancing chicks, hippes in flower-power vans, wah-wah psychedelic guitars, and drag-racing rails, hippie chicks, doobies and roach clips, squares in suits and ties who want to be engineers, and those teens who just want to dropout and ride their motor scooters. Truth: When it comes to errant draggin’ rails in a film, I choose The Young Graduates over More American Graffiti — even though the later is clearly the better made film, because the former is the more entertaining film.
Rompin’ through this Partridge Family-cum-Easy Rider-lite world is the requisite sort-of-bad girl, Mindy, who’s like an early version of a romantically confused, can’t-make-her-mind Rachel Green with her endless I-hate-Ross-I-love-Ross insanity. Here, Mindy’s dilemma is between her decent, educated boyfriend Bill or her hunky married-but-he’s-so-hot teacher.
Oops. She’s hot for teacher and the rabbit just hopped in: Mindy’s pregnant. And how does she deal? Well, she runs away with her bestie, Sandy, on motorbike ride to Big Sur, California.
George Lucas, who directed the original American Graffiti, wanted to make a sequel. However, Gary Kurtz and Francis Ford Coppola, who produced that film, talked Lucas out of it because, in their opinion, “sequels weren’t well received.” So Lucas vested his time on Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Lucas should have listened: for he ended up with another Howard the Duck.
For his writer and director, Lucas picked Bill L. Norton, who gave us one of the best, if not the best, of the CB trucker romps of the ’70s — as well as one of the best films based on a song*, Convoy. And the Smokey and the Bandit knock off**, Outlaw Blues, with Peter Fonda was pretty good.
Besides, this will work because Ron Howard, Cindy Williams and Harrison Ford — who were nobodies when the first movie was released and now big stars as result of their respective TV and film successes — were returning to do the sequel.
Lucas should have heeded the words of Kurtz and Coppola.
Keep on Truckin’.
Also on board from the original are Candy Clark, Paul Le Mat, Mackenzie Phillips, (our beloved) Bo Hopkins, and Charles Martin Smith (of the “No False Metal Classic” Trick or Treat). Richard Dreyfuss, who had Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third Kind under his belt, knew enough to stay away from this critical bomb that, while it make $15 million against its $3 million budget, is still considered a box office flop.
Set over the course of four consecutive New Year’s Eves from 1964 to 1967, the viewer is tossed to and fro from Woodstock to Vietnam to Haight-Asbury, and protests and draft card burning — and Steve and Laurie’s perpetual bickering as their marriage fails (proving why Cindy Williams vanished after TV’s Laverne and Shirley and Howard, wisely, went into directing. Their scenes are just painful to watch). Rewatching this — well, skimming — to review was not enjoyable and the last time I’ll ever look at it. The old Woodstock-era split-screen narrative technique (if you’re familiar with that 1970 concert document) is annoyingly dated in 1979.
Ah, but why we are here — if you haven’t guess by the theatrical one-sheets and our theme week — is the drag racing. In this case, Paul Le Mat’s John Milner — who, it turns out, didn’t die in an insinuated car crash during the word-on-screen epilogue of American Graffiti: he became a struggling drag racer. The scenes (we care about) were shot at the since long gone (it’s a car dealership, of all things) Fremont Raceway, later known as Baylands Raceway Park, (before it being torn down) in Fremont, California.
The rail ain’t helpin’.
Luckily, for us, it’s all original shot footage and not cheap-jacked film clips from other sources. But the shot-for-the-film dragging doesn’t help, here. This is a boring film. Drag Racer and Burnoutfrom Crown International Pictures — with their mutual stock footage drag inserts — are more entertaining, since they’re about drag racing and not treating the racing as subplot fodder. Where’s my copy of David Cronenberg’s drag romp,Fast Company?!
More American Graffiti is easy to find in the online marketplace on vintage VHS and LaserDiscs. It finally came out on DVD in 2003 as a single release and as a double feature disc with American Graffiti in 2004. It hit streaming platforms in 2011, Blu-ray (Europe only) in 2012, and eventually in the U.S. on Blu-ray in 2018. Here’s scene-clips to enjoy on You Tube and You Tube.
The four-sided double album is easily found on CD and worthy, unlike the film it promotes, of your purchase.
Oh, and Sam the Bossman offers his take on the film because, anyone who is connected to the majesty that is Messiah of Evil — in this case, Bill L. Norton, who acted in that Lucas-Star Wars sidebar – – always needs another take. Always, as guys Bill L. Norton is what B&S About Movies is all about!
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