2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 30: The Jerky Boys (1995)

30. DEVILS NIGHT: Watch one with mischief, mayhem or pranks in it but please keep the fires to a minimum.

At some amazing point in the 90s, Disney released a movie about two men who made prank calls for a living. Yes, what a time to be alive. The Jerky Boys mean more to me than just about any other form of comedy if I’m honest and I don’t care what that says about my taste. If you talk to me for any length of time, there’s a very good chance that you will hear me say something from them, whether it’s “Real proud of ya,” “call you when,” or “I hear you Greeks like tunnels.”

This movie — directed by James Melkonian (The Stoned Age) and written by Melkonian, Rich Wilkes and its stars, Johnny Brennan and Kamal Ahmed — has so much in common with the hijinks films of the 80s. Like, two guys who make prank calls accidentally call the mafia and hijinks ensue.

There’s no way that critics would enjoy this movie. So what? I mean, they got Alan Arkin, Vincent Pastore and William Hickey to be in a movie about crank phone calls and used the universe of those calls — Brett Weir and Uncle Freddy, anyone? — to tell a longform story where there was perhaps none. It has Helmet playing “Symptom of the Universe” and they’re managed by Ozzy and I honestly think they made this movie just for me, because huh?

So yeah. You can say this sucks and I wouldn’t blame you, except I will resent you and wonder about your opinions for the rest of time, jerky.

Also: Captain Lou Albano feels right for this movie.

KINO LORBER BLU RAY RELEASE: Ace High (1968)

I quattro dell’Ave Maria, which means The Four of the Hail Mary, this is the second film in between God Forgives… I Don’t and Boot Hill, this starts with Cat and Hutch (Terence Hill and Bud Spencer) arriving in El Paso and getting mixed up with Cacopoulos (Eli Wallach), who takes $300,000 from them and goes on the run, but the three eventually have to come together.

There’s also Kevin McCarthy from Invasion of the Body Snatchers as a bad guy, as well as a role for Brock Peters from Porgy and Bess and To Kill a Mockingbird.

Director and writer Giuseppe Colizzi is the one that got Hill and Spencer together, which is a genius thing, and Spencer never wanted to be a comedic actor — I mean, the guy was a polymath. An Olympic swimmer, water polo champion, an attorney, an inventor, a pilot and a singer. Fate found him forever cast as a “grumpy strong-arm man with a blessed, naive child’s laughter and a golden heart.”

I can watch Spencer and Terence Hill movies all day, into the next day and into the next week. This is a more serious story for them as they had not yet become as devoted to comedy as movies like They Call Me Trinity would take the team.

You can get this blu ray from Kino Lorber. It has a new 4K scan of the original camera negative, a trailer and commentary by Alex Cox.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 29: Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout (1990)

29. EXERCISE OR EXORCISE?: You’ll work it out…

In case you ever wonder what life is for and why you’re here and get depressed or anxious, worry not. You live in the reality that produced Linnea Quigley and whatever made this all should be thanked. I’m not really religious but if I were to ever start a church, it would probably be one where we all watched this video and just stared at the tracking lines growing around this VHS wonder, a workout tape punctuated by jokes, zombies and synth. I mean, if you want to believe in God, just stare into the eyes of Linnea Quigley, listen to her bubbly voice and watch her kick here legs over her head while working out in a studded bra.

Ken Hall, who directed and wrote this, also made Evil Spawn and The Halfway House. He also made creatures for CrittersGhoulies, the Bio-Monster in BiohazardCarnosaur, the creatures in Willy’s Wonderland and wrote Dr. Alien and Nightmare Sisters. He’s not in the Criterion Collection but belongs somewhere more important, in the video store shelves of our wildest and fondest dreams.

Nobody watches this to work out. I mean, what other exercise video has its host murder every single other woman in it and then threaten you for jerking off to her films? I mean, this starts with a shower scene and ends with Linnea cooking human parts while dressed in lingerie that Frederick’s of Hollywood would say is too ridiculous.

Linnea shot this in her parent’s house and man, if you don’t love her after that, what is wrong with you?

You can watch this on Tubi.

BATS! BATS! BATS! THE DIA DOUBLE FEATURE!

I won’t be on this week, but join Mike Justice and Bill for the Drive-In Asylum Double Feature on Saturday at 8 PM EST on the Groovy Doom Facebook and YouTube pages.

Up first, Chosen Survivors, which you can watch on YouTube.

Every week, we talk about movies, show their ads and even have a cocktail that goes with it. Here’s the drink for the first movie:

Shelter Bats

  • 2 oz. Kraken
  • 4 oz. ginger ale
  • .5 oz. blue curacao
  • 1 oz. cranberry juice
  • .25 oz. grenadine
  1. Pour all ingredients into an ice-filled glass.
  2. Stir and climb up real high before drinking with the many, many bats.

Our second movie is The Bat People. It’s available right here.

Here’s the second drink:

It Drinks By Night

  • 1.5 oz. rum
  • 1 oz. Kaluha
  • 1 oz. milk
  • 3 oz. cola
  1. Add all ingredients to a glass filled with ice, cola last.
  2. Stir and fly away to join your people.

Enjoy the movies!

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 28: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

28. A Horror Film That Runs on Dream Logic.

How much dream logic is in this movie? Well, it’s based on a book named Traumnovelle (Dream Story) by Arthur Schnitzler.

This movie has the world record for longest shoot — 400 days — and has an entire New York City street recreated inside Pinewood Studios, so of course I’m obsessed. I love when movies could have been made on location or in normal places and are all made on a stage. I also kind of love that director, co-writer and producer Stanley Kubrick had created for himself a world where he could honestly get anything that he wanted.

Dr. William Harford and his wife Alice (the at-the-time married super couple of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman) live in a world of wealth and sexual availability. At a holiday party thrown by Victor Ziegler (Sydney Pollack), an older man tries to take Alice while two models offer a threeway to Bill. He’s stopped when Zieglar asks him to save the life of Mandy (Julienne Davis) as she overdoses. The next evening, Alice confesses thinking of leaving him when she fell for a navy officer on vacation this disturbs him but he’s high and also on call and heads off on a house call to pronounce a patient dead and another attempted seduction, this time by that man’s daughter Marion, then picks up a call girl named Domino (Vinessa Shaw) and learns of a costumed orgy in which his friend Nick Nightingale (Todd Field) will play piano blindfolded while an occult-themed sex ritual will be held.

I mean, somehow this descends from Tom Cruise wanting to get laid to him narrowly avoiding HIV and death at the hands of an underground cult that rules the world, all while his wife is asleep. And then,  when they go holiday shopping with their daughter, she tells him that they have to do something as soon as possible: Fuck.

It’s weird that the novel is all about anti-Jewish persecution and Kubrick removed all those references. Keep in mind both his parents were Jewish.

But maybe, as some have claimed, this movie is an in-code atonement for Kubrick’s conspiracy ties. He’d been wanting to make this since 2001. Or maybe he just wanted to make his porn movie, who can say. As it is, some think the movie wasn’t even finished. Like Garrett Brown, inventor of the Steadicam, who said, “I think Eyes Wide Shut was snatched up by the studio when Stanley died and they just grabbed the highest number Avid edit and ran off as if that was the movie. But it was three months before the movie was due to be released. I don’t think there’s a chance that was the movie he had in mind, or the music track and a lot of other things. It’s a great shame because you know it’s out there, but it doesn’t feel to me as it’s really his film.”

Then again, who knows?

Kubrick was, of course, an absolute maniac about every moment of this movie.

Here’s an example. For just one minute of the dream within a dream where Alice makes love to the navy man (model Gary Goba) Kidman had to shoot six days of naked sex scenes — fifty positions! — with a male model. Kubrick banned Cruise from the set.  He also would not allow Kidman to tell him what happened during the shoot. Yet this was one of Kidman’s personal favorite experiences, saying that working with Kubrick was like attending film school.

But let me hit that one harder. In a scene that never made it into the film, Kidman had a merkin over her private parts and Kubrick ordered Goba to go down on her. The model would later say, “He really wanted me to go for it.” I did and he was like, ‘You’ve got to really push in there and really move your head around,’ and I’d see him laughing and she would be like, ‘Oh God, Stanley!’ So I was really grinding away in there, with my mouth on her patch and there was hair in my mouth, too, and I’d be pulling one out.”

I find it hilarious that Kubrick was basically cucking the biggest movie star in the world.

Then he made him walk through a doorway 95 times for one shot.

And pretty much it makes fun of Scientology if you believe that theory.

Ah man, Kubrick. You were one weird dude.

Back to dreams: Kidman said, “It is a great memory for us, and at times it was almost a dreamlike state.”

Eyes Wide Shut opened on the same weekend that John Kennedy Jr., his wife and her sister were killed in a plane crash. I can’t even imagine what Q people would think of this movie because like all Kubrick, it’s filled with so much, well, stuff, that you can make it about anything. But hey this has an occult sex party set in the mansion of the Rothschilds, so that has to mean something, right?

Then again, it ends with a very easily explained way of saying that this was all a fantasy:

“I think we should be grateful. Grateful that we’ve managed to survive through all of our adventures, whether they were real, or only a dream. Sure as I am that the reality of one night, let alone that of a whole lifetime can ever be the whole truth. And no dream is ever just a dream. The important thing is we’re awake now and hopefully for a long time to come.”

Oh man. I could obsess — and I sure will obsess — over this movie for my entire life.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 28: The Hidden (1987)

Day 28. SPACE ODDITIES: Aliens that imitate humans or take over a human body.

Jack Sholder made two unappreciated horror films, Alone In the Dark and A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge before this and it ended up becoming his move from that genre into action.

I remember renting this and had that feeling afterward that I wanted the characters to be real people. I wanted to get to know them better and spend more time with them, which is a little odd as one of the leads is an alien.

Detective Thomas Beck (Michael Nouri) is an LAPD cop. He’s definitely from our world or more likely, the universe of action filmmaking. FBI Special Agent Lloyd Gallagher (Kyle MacLachlan) is potentially something else. Together, they’re hunting a being that goes from body to body, starting with Jack DeVries (Chris Mulkey), once an ordinary person who has gone on a crime spree and who also takes hundreds of bullets and a car crash to slow down. The slug-like alien inside that man leaps into a nearly dead man, then into an exotic dancer (Claudia Christian), a dog and then even tries to get inside a politician.

Along the way, you get alien weapons, sports car mayhem, flamethrowers and even an emotional ending to this story. It kind of transcends simple science fiction ridiculousness while also having tons of it; it’s just a special movie to me.

Jim Kouf — using the name Bob Hunt — also wrote The Boogens before this. He’d later write StakeoutRush Hour and National Treasure.

This was called L’Alieno (The Alien) in Italy because they don’t care about spoilers.

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 27: Near Dark (1987)

27. A Horror Film by a Director who made more than three movies but only made one horror film. (Not THE SHINING. You can be more creative than that!)

EDITOR’S NOTE: I honestly couldn’t think of any that I haven’t written about before, so I had to post this, which was first on the site on September 8, 2020.

Two vampire movies came out in 1987.* One became a celebrated big-budget film that launched the careers of the Coreys and Kiefer Sutherland, with songs that people still sing, shirtless saxophonists and quotable dialogue about why there’s no need for a TV when you have TV Guide. The other movie was in and out of theaters in the time it took to read the last sentence and has stuck in my mind forever since.

Kathryn Bigelow had never directed a movie before. She was given five days to succeed or be replaced. She wanted to make a Western, but they weren’t popular. So she combined the vampire genre — the word is never mentioned — and hired three of the actors from her future husband James Cameron’s recently completed Aliens, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton and Jenette Goldstein.

Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar) falls for the mysterious Mae (Jenny Wright, who is another beyond cult horror film that few discuss, I, Madman) but then learns her family — Severen (Paxton), Jesse Hooker (Henriksen), Diamondback (Goldstein) and Homer (Joshua John Miller) — are a roving band of RV driving maniacs given to acts of merciless terror.

The only problem that I’ve ever had with this film is that I have always seen the normal people in the world as the real monsters, despite the hints that Jesse and Severen set the Great Chicago Fire. The blood transfusions that save the beautiful people seem way too easy of a way out of the hell that the gang promises.

Biglow would go on to make the equally well-made Blue Steel. Most of the cast went on to fame, at least in the circles of people who read our site. And if you look close enough, there’s a picture of a torn-apart Severen on my fridge.

If you’d like to learn more about the films scored by the band who gave this movie its unique soundtrack, check out our article Exploring: 10 Tangerine Dream Soundtracks.

*We know that A Return to Salem’s Lot and My Best Friend Is a Vampire also came out in 1987. For the sake of poetic license, we hope you understand why we juxtaposed these two films. Ironically, both movies have a son of The Exorcist star Jason Miller in their casts, with Joshua John Miller is in Near Dark and his half-brother Jason Patric in The Lost Boys.

BONUS: You can hear Becca and Sam discuss this movie on our podcast.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 27: Mom, Can I Keep Her? (1998)

27. THE NATURAL ENTERTAINER: Watch one with a pro-wrestler turned actor. Put some raw fun in your movie mania.

Terry Funk is the wrestler that every other wrestler wants to be. When I was a kid and saw him battling Hulk Hogan in his short WWF stint, trying to punch ring announcers, running out with a branding iron and yelling at everyone in his path, I said to myself, “I’m going to be Terry Funk someday.” And that was before ECW, before death matches in Japan, before he did moonsaults in his fifties. I trained with his brother Dory and kept asking, “How does Terry throw those great punches?” The art of pro wrestling is very important and making things look perfect is even more so.

He told me he’d tell me someday.

This movie — directed by Fred Olen Ray, also a pro wrestler — starts with Terry Funk as Jungle Ed, introducing a gorilla on stage and do we need anything else from this movie? How about if it also has a cast of people I’d love to meet? One-time Buck Rogers Gil Gerard? He’s on hand. So are Alana Stewart, Brinke Stevens, Reese from Malcolm In the Middle, George “Buck” Flower, Don McLeod (TC Quist and also the gorilla from those old commercials who’d jump up and down on suitcases) and Mary Woronov too.

Let me say that for you real loud.

Mary Woronov is in a movie with Terry Funk.

Look, a gorilla eats all the cookies. And Brinke Stevens is just so wonderful, I want to write her poetry and leave it in her mailbox because I’d be too shy for her to ever know it was from me.

So on the way out of Florida and leaving the Funkin’ Dojo, I asked Dory Funk Jr. again, “How can Terry make his punches look so good?”

He answered, “He just punches you in the face.”

THE IMPORTANT CINEMA CLUB’S SUPER SCARY MOVIE CHALLENGE DAY 26: Killer Queen (2019)

26. A Horror Film Released By Gold Ninja Video.

First off, rush out and buy this from Gold Ninja or watch it on Tubi. This movie feels like it emerged from another time and place and everyone who claims to be making movies that feel like they came from the past are liars because this movie gets every moment right while also staring into the future like it’s a blinding sun.

Shot on 8mm and looking like a grainy blast from out of nowhere, Ramin Fahrenheit wrote, directed and stars in this movie. She’s a young woman just out of the mental ward who goes from simple robbery to murder in the same way that I would try to decide what I want for dinner. She’s driven to kill by something that she can’t control, keeping herself hidden but always finding herself in the glaring spotlight and unleashing her vengeance.

Lo-fi as fuck in the best of ways, pushed forward by a score by Norman Orenstein, this honestly amazes me that it came from years and not decades or realities away, a movie that feels like Jess Franco coming through the fabric of time and space to become Canadian and devastate your senses all over again, yet with a more feminine understanding of just how cruel the world is but never forgetting to have scummy gore and a screwy narrative like Driller Killer without the New York art scene.

Every grindhouse inspired movie goes for broke with wacky action, goofy trailers and throwing some video effects to make it all look like it’s on dirty film. This is on dirty film with the beauty that can only come when audio and picture are made in two worlds, lending this a disjointed quality that activates the movie drug endorphins in my fragile mind, bringing me into that most magical planes of mental existence, that place where movies are perfect for their imperfection.

2022 Scarecrow Psychotronic Challenge Day 26: Devour (2005)

26. GAMESHOWS: Roll the bones, try your luck, gamble with your life!

ARGs are the new RPGs, as a game called The Pathway causes the deaths of Jake Gray’s (Jensen Ackles) friends Conrad (Teach Grant) and Dakota (Dominique Swain). The game itself is operated by Aiden Kater (Martin Cummins) and his Satanic followers who are tricking people into killing their targets or ending their own lives.

Working with occultist Marisol (Shannyn Sossamon), Jake finds Ivan Reisz (William Sadler), a man who lost his wife and child to The Pathway and demons, but then he learns that the child was raised as a human. And that’s who The Pathway was created to get and turn back over to Satan who ends up being Ivan’s wife. What?  Oh, let’s take it one step further. Marisol and this woman and the devil are all the same person.

What a twist! Maybe none of this was real! Oh man, the 2000s, when every movie had to have oh so many turns along the way. Oh well. Nearly everyone in this also ended up being in the show Supernatural. Adam and Seth Gross, who wrote this, went on to write the DOA movie, which maybe doesn’t mean as much.

You can watch this on Tubi.